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It's pretty unexpected of him, but Hirano's alone in the dorm room, sitting in his desk chair and swiveling around until he feels too dizzy to continue. He crosses his arms and leans forward with his eyes shut tight to get the room to quit spinning.
His focus is completely shot, not like there’s much to focus on to begin with. He’s already completed all of his college entrance exams and passed them, and he doesn’t have to go back to school, but he tends to study at least a little bit lest he forget material he should know before he starts classes but that’s a bust. His mind is all over the place, eyes trailing over the calendar to the day next week he’ll be moving out of the dorms and back in with his parents.
Hirano had once tried to battle his hesitance by reminding himself that it’s sort of his fault that this dread follows him as the days pass. He was the one who wanted to remain roommates with Kagi, he was the one who knew last year that prolonging their day-to-day life of living together was brought upon from a place of selfishness telling him I don’t want to part with him yet. So now that he’s struggling, who's to blame? This is his fault, and he has to face the consequences.
But he’s made peace with that. Yeah, it’s his fault, so what? Doesn’t everyone try to prolong feelings of ease, normalcy, and happiness regardless of the future outcomes? He’s human, for crying out loud. If he had the choice, he wouldn’t move out at all! Hirano had seen the opportunity to stay with Kagi one more year and he took it, and yeah, he’s facing the consequences now, but it was definitely worth it.
Still, he knows better than to try and justify his hesitance with anything short of he’s really special to me, so why would I want to leave? It’s that easy, probably.
Hirano opens his eyes, which feel heavy now that he’s had them closed for an excessive amount of time, and gazes towards the balcony door. The curtains are drawn, but the sun is definitely setting, and Kagi should be back soon. The last thing he wants is for Kagi to see him in this state because that’s pretty embarrassing, watching your upperclassman struggle to finish one page of studying.
He briefly remembers back at the end of his second year when Kagi was devoting a lot of his energy to studying in order to make it into the top 50 so they could room together again. He used to feel pretty bad about it because he was the one who suggested it, but it was easy to tell that Kagi wanted it just as bad as he did. Seeing him that determined was such a wakeup call. It motivates him, even now.
The memory makes him smile, and he turns his attention back to his studies feeling just a tad bit better until his eyes catch the calendar on his desk once again, and he groans. “I should get some water..."
Pushing himself up from the seat, Hirano steps over to the door and reaches for the knob before it swings open and smacks him in the face. “Ah!”
Kagi gasps, knocking the door back closed and his hand over Hirano’s now red forehead. “I’m so sorry, Hirano-san! Are you okay?” he asks, frantic.
Hirano blinks up at his junior, the unfiltered worry in his expression over this very minor occurrence, and before it makes him feel a bit down, it makes him laugh. “I’m not dying, Kagi-kun, I’m fine!”
All of that tension leaves in an instant, it seems, and Kagi’s entire figure relaxes along with a somewhat sheepish smile on his face, then this curiosity is thrown into the mix. “Oh, were you going somewhere?”
A drink, he almost answers, but then checks the time and realizes that curfew is soon, and he’s not that thirsty. No, what he needs is to get it together and finish the page he's working on, but now that Kagi’s here, that’s not gonna work anymore. He might as well close his books for today. “Eh, I’ll worry about it later,” he says, and returns to his desk to clear it. “How was practice?”
“It went well!" Kagi says, still wearing an absent smile. "Almost sprained my ankle though.”
Hirano snaps his head over to him. Kagi just dropped that like it was nothing, and he guesses it’s fine since he didn’t, but still. He decides to ask, “How’d that happen?”
Kagi takes off his jacket and hangs it up over his bed, definitely unconcerned. “When I came down from a jump, I landed on it funny. It’s fine though!” he adds, just now catching Hirano’s worry. He finds himself smiling again, warning him to be careful, and Kagi continues on about a few other things from practice.
It’s times like this that he hopes this aspect of their relationship never changes, even if he isn’t physically around for it. He wants Kagi to still rely on him the same way he would if they were living together, to tell him mundane things about his day that don't even matter but neither of them care because it's just how they are.
Hirano is taking out his earrings and catches a glimpse of Kagi’s face as he finishes his story and rummages through his messy wardrobe. It’s one that’s been popping up more and more recently, one that only further aches his heart when he sees it, one that accurately depicts Hirano’s aversion to the ominous date on his calendar. It’s not like they really spoke about it, the tension that comes with knowing that the clock is counting down the moments til they inevitably separate (and that sounds pretty dramatic, doesn’t it?).
It’s not like they’re separating forever either. Hirano plans on finding any excuse to come see Kagi even if their schedules don’t match, and he’ll still text him and ask how he’s doing, he’ll still hang out with him on days they both can, he'll still support him in basketball, but it’s not the same as living with him, and the fact that he’s gonna be rising in the morning without having to go over to the bedside of his junior across the way and wake him up too just sounds wrong.
Hirano spent three years sharing a room, the last two with the same person whom he cares for deeply. Now that he’s leaving though, Kagi’s getting his own room arranged and has to wake himself up on time in the morning, and he really has to get his studying habits right. Hirano’s been helping him out with that the past school year, to the point where Kagi gets up on his own pretty often now. It’s just different than when he was avoiding him on purpose because it wasn’t like Kagi was actually sleeping then.
Well, that was— well, recently, Kagi’s been oversleeping on purpose. “Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing,” he told him one morning, but he wasn’t upset. Honestly, it was nice, still is nice, that he’s been able to spoil him a little more, even if only for a short amount of time. That was the closest they had come to talking about it, but Kagi didn’t even respond, instead pouting and turning over to face the wall.
Kagi goes to take a bath, and as he does that, Hirano can think of nothing better to do than to brood, sitting on the floor with his cheek pressed against his mattress.
...
His eyes blink open to the sight of Kagi bent down beside him, looking right at him, and it makes both of them jump at the surprise of unknowingly staring at each other.
“Sorry!” Kagi quickly extends the distance between them, avoiding his eyes, and Hirano just woke up apparently and is already kind of pissed. “It’s just unusual for you to fall asleep on the floor…”
Unusual is putting it lightly, but he’s right, and Hirano sits up straight but doesn’t move to stand or climb on the bed if he’s tired. Yeah, he is tired, but there’s a bit more to it than just the weight of his eyelids.
He pinches his arm, the one that Kagi can’t see. He doesn’t want to act like this feeling doesn’t exist. They both learned their lesson from that last year, and they should know better now. “It’s weird,” he says, “isn’t it?”
Kagi gapes, and he definitely knows what he’s talking about already, judging by how he brings his hands together around his legs and doesn’t respond immediately. Hirano won’t avoid looking at Kagi, he wants to get as much of his face as possible, honestly, and he also has to make sure that thought stays in his head at all costs. “I don't like it,” he mutters eventually, and Hirano has to bite back a laugh because Kagi is pouting in the same way he would by having to study or having to go back home for a while. It’s adorable. “Do you have to graduate?”
“Uh, yeah?” Hirano answers, welcoming a smile that’s been pushing at his lips. “Even if I didn’t want to, it’s kinda too late anyway.”
Kagi lays his head atop of his knees. “I’m gonna text you all the time.”
Hirano leans back against the bed. “You can do that.”
“And I’m gonna call you sometimes.”
“Sure.”
“Could you still come to some of my games?”
The rational part of him knows that it’s gonna be few and far between, considering the commute from his parents place to the school, but he’s allowing himself that little undying hope in the form of the junior beside him, and his smile doesn’t cease. “Of course,” he tells him.
Kagi giggles into his arm, and it’s bittersweet. “You’re just agreeing with everything I say.”
Caught him, but he rolls his eyes and pokes Kagi’s cheek anyway. “You callin’ me a liar? I’m serious.” It may be embarrassing to admit, but that’s another thing he’s gonna promise himself. One is that he spends hatsumode with Kagi again next year since he couldn’t this year, two is that he remains a constant in Kagi’s life. That’s all he wants, really.
Said junior is now burying his face into his arms and groaning. “You’re so unfair.”
Hirano frowns. “Unfair? What do you want me to do?”
He watches Kagi stretch out his legs and lean back on his palms, humming in thought, then, “Give me a farewell gift for my emotional distress.”
“Like hell.”
“You gotta compensate your poor junior somehow, Hirano-san,” Kagi continues, purposely dragging out his vowels and eyes still gazing upwards. “It’s kind of your fault that I can’t function alone now.”
Hirano pinches his sides, and Kagi yelps and falls over, and now they’re both laughing because he can’t even be mad at that, not that he would have been before. He was spoiling him on purpose because he liked to be relied on by Kagi, and he liked how happy it made Kagi, by extension making him happy. So sure, he can take responsibility for that. “You’re a brat, you know that?”
Kagi’s sprawled out on the floor, staring at the ceiling and making a face. “I never noticed how cold this floor is.”
He feels it on his palm, that the hard floor is cool to the touch. Kagi sits on it quite often, sometimes even doing what Hirano had and falling asleep with his knees on the ground, but very rarely lies down on it. “Yeah, that’s because you’re supposed to walk on it, silly.”
Then Kagi’s face lights up, and he snaps himself upright. “Let’s sleep on it.”
“Huh?” he taps the floor in front of them incessantly. “You just said it was cold. Our back’s are gonna be begging for mercy in the morning too.”
“Yeah, but I have a futon in the closet, so we wouldn’t need to,” he says.
Hirano crosses his arms. “And how big is this futon to fit two people? You’re enormous.”
Kagi thinks about it for a moment, and his face is slightly pink, trying to sound convincing as he admits, “It’s… not big, but we can both fit. It’s just for tonight after all. Like a slumber party!”
He’s unamused at this imagery, trying to shake away any bashfulness threatening in his throat and quietly clearing it. “We literally live together. We’re only a few feet away...”
“Okay, but what’s the harm in sleeping next to each other?”
There is none, he knows, it’s not like anything will happen that wouldn’t have happened already by sleeping any closer to him than he already does, but Hirano’s instinct is to think of the consequences of doing so, only allowing himself to voice a few of them. “Still, the floor is kind of…”
It’s then that Kagi breaks eye contact, a pout spreading over his face, but one that doesn’t even take itself seriously with how awkward it comes off as. “What, would you rather one of our beds then?”
“Floor it is,” he snaps, and Kagi’s hiding his face, cackling.
Kagi lays the futon in the middle of the floor, and the two of them stand over it to determine if it will actually fit the two of them. It seems larger than for the average person but that’s likely because Kagi is larger than the average person, if only by a little. That fact, and the fact that they’re supposed to be sharing it, sort of clash with each other.
Kagi returns back to the closet and pulls out one of the extra blankets he has in there, laying it beside the futon as a sort of extension so that they aren’t confined. The difference isn’t huge, but it did something.
Hirano is unable to understand why exactly he’s so open about doing this in the first place. The answer should be simple, but it isn’t. For some reason, he kind of wants to, however weird it may end up being. And that means he joins Kagi in tossing their pillows onto the futon and dragging their blankets from the bed to the floor with them.
Hirano shuts off the lights and returns to their makeshift bed. He knows that if he hesitates to sit and lie down, he won’t be able to do it without running out of the room and running back in, so he’s already dropping to the floor before he can think of it further. “If I wake up with the worst back pain in existence, it’s your head.”
Kagi, already lying down next to him, says, “Definitely worth it. I think the futon should be comfortable though.”
Now they’re side by side, close enough that Hirano’s elbow is nudging at Kagi’s arm, and it’s weird because they’re supposed to stay like this until they fall asleep and Hirano’s never done this before. He never had slumber parties with any of the friends at his elementary school or the neighbor’s kids, and definitely not in middle school, so the fact that his first time experiencing something like this is with Kagi, whose situation with Hirano is rather special, is something… well, special.
But he knows one thing for sure. “We’re not gonna get any sleep.”
“Nope,” replies Kagi, and the two snicker.
...
It’s fairly late into the night now, and neither of them are asleep just yet, and if Hirano’s being honest, he hasn’t even looked over at Kagi since the lights went out at least an hour and a half ago. His position’s been the same; he’s on his back, hands on his abdomen and staring up at the ceiling, which he can only see because his eyes have adjusted to the dark.
He’s also certain Kagi hasn’t moved either, but he doesn’t know what position he’s in. The two have just been talking about nonsense here and there, and luckily they aren’t making too much noise doing so this time since they aren’t in their beds, so they can whisper and be easily heard by the other.
Somehow, the awkward phase lasted about ten minutes, and Hirano wants to keep it that way, except he doesn’t like this position. He likes to lay on his side, usually his right, but turning away from Kagi also feels wrong, which only leaves facing him. But no, I’m not doing that. Who needs sleep anyway? It’s not like tomorrow is any more important than today, at least for him, but he still has to study for an upcoming test the day after, and Kagi has morning practice and still has school to attend, so why is he even risking his sleep at the end of the year in the first place?
Well, only for a week, that is. It’s not like Kagi’s taking exams for another while, and Hirano will be moved out next week.
He thins out his lips. “Kagi-kun,” he softly calls out to him.
“Hm?”
It’s the first time Hirano tilts his head to his left to look at him, Kagi’s already looking right back, but it doesn’t deter him as he’s saying, “I… don’t want to move out either.” Kagi doesn’t react immediately, and Hirano’s not even sure if either of them are taking in what he’s saying, but he continues anyway. “I know it’s probably harder for you, for me to move out because of everything, but I really enjoy living with you. So it’s hard for me too.”
Silence drags over them for a moment, and Hirano’s starting to feel the effects of his own words in his heart, then Kagi’s entire expression breaks and voice wobbles. “Are you trying to make me cry, Hirano-san?” he whispers.
And now Hirano’s wide-eyed and turning directly onto his side to try to prevent this, hovering his hands over Kagi’s face and sort of panicking. “What? No— no. No. Stop. Do not cry, Kagi-kun, I refuse to let you cry because of me!”
Kagi’s on his side too, furiously rubbing his eyes and sniffling forcefully. “Why would you say that!” he complains, words still trembling and pained.
Hirano himself is whispering aggressively, “It’s the truth!” He wanted to get that out there. He doesn't want Kagi to watch him move out thinking that he didn’t care, that it was easy, that the two years they spent together were unremarkable and burdening. They were probably the best years of his life, if he wants to be really honest, but he’s not telling Kagi that. Over his dead body. “I’m being upfront about it.”
Kagi nods, “I know, I know…” and drops his hands away. Now they’re really face-to-face, and now it’s really weird, and despite the suffocating feeling in his chest that arises from it, he can’t seem to want to look away, and what did he expect? Kagi doesn’t move either.
The angle is nice. He knows that Kagi has a nice face, and he has nice eyes and nice hair. Frankly, this is a brag. No one gets to see Kagi this close up for this long except for him, and definitely not in a situation like this. The boast is an unusual one, though, and he’s wondering why his mind jumped to that so quickly, but the answer is simple this time. Because he’s lying down on a futon between their beds, inches away from Kagiura Akira, and he allowed it to happen.
Huh.
He’s about to say something that he shouldn't, but Kagi beats him to a topic to bring up. “Are you gonna dye your hair black for graduation?”
Dye. Hair dye, oh yeah, that. What was I about to say? Hirano asks himself, but he doesn’t give his brain any time to admit. “I should do that, huh?”
“Well I assumed you would since you do for opening ceremonies and stuff.” He isn't really looking him in the eye, but honestly? Hirano’s grateful for that for once. Kagi adds under his breath (but Hirano’s really that close so he can hear it), “And you’re graduating in a few days, so…”
He is graduating in a few days. “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, I should do that,” he repeats, realizes that he’s repeating, and mentally pinches himself to speak more coherently. “I’m really fucking up my hair, aren’t I?”
This pulls a smile out of Kagi. “Probably. But blond hair suits you.”
He’s said that to me before, Hirano thinks. He does like having blond hair, even though it’s very damaging. He might let it grow back to black naturally before he dyes it again next time, but he also doesn’t want to look like that one second year. As for graduation though, “Maybe I’ll do it tomorrow.”
“You’re totally stalling,” Kagi accuses, and he’s totally right, too. “What’s the worst they can do if you don’t? Expel you?”
Hirano chuckles, kicking Kagi’s leg from under the two blankets. “Obviously they can’t punish me for it when I graduate, but pictures and relatives and stuff.” Dying it black is an absolute hassle, especially considering that he usually only has it that way for a few days at most before he goes back to blond, and yeah, not only is it expensive and time-consuming, his hair suffers from it. He can’t wait to go bald at 30.
Either way, he’s not usually this hesitant to do it though, especially considering how he went through with it every school year for the opening ceremony, so why should he be stalling for graduation? Hirano knows why that is, of course, and he shrugs. “Sounds like that just speeds up the whole process, doesn’t it?”
And as always, Kagi gets him right away, and he gives a slight nod, a tight smile on his lips and still not entirely meeting Hirano’s eyes. “I wish time would slow down a little. That would be great.”
“Until you get to class.”
“Hey!”
Hirano grins, bringing up his arm to lay his head on over the pillow. A time machine, a slower second, all of that does sound great, if only for the night in which they lie together on their dorm floor.
There’s something so silly about being a teenager sometimes, about how hard it is to articulate exactly how you feel at an exact moment. What else could Hirano say to Kagi, other than wanting to be like this for more than a while, for more than a night? There’s some sort of awkward comfort he finds in being next to him the way that he is, and it’s weird because why? He’s been finding this comfort and contentment in just living with Kagi since, what, maybe the third month? Time somehow proved how easy it is to do, how compatible they are, how being together is second-nature, commonplace, and Hirano wants that to continue.
For the love of God, what else would he say?
“Kagi-kun.” This time, Kagi does look him in the eye, probably because he tries to avoid being blatantly rude. “Move in with me when you graduate.”
Out of all the things Hirano has ever said, specifically to Kagi, that was probably one of the most embarrassing things to come tumbling out of his mouth without his permission.
Kagi is gawking at him like he just committed a crime. It’s half-funny, half-justified, and he’s fighting the urge to cover his face, instead he’s probably glaring at Kagi like he’s the one who committed a crime.
It takes maybe 45 seconds for Kagi to croak out a response, except it’s one of the clearest things he’s said all week. “This sounds like a proposal, Hirano-san.”
Now they’re both gawking at each other, and Hirano doesn’t want to guess how red his face is in the dark considering that Kagi’s smile really reaches his eyes this time, and he means it. He’s beaming, practically shining, and it’s such a beautiful smile, the problem being that Hirano himself is short-circuiting at the sight and the words just said. He’s sputtering, “Seriously?”
“It really does!” his hands are over his face, but his smile still peeks around the corners and through his fingers as his shoulders shake. “I can’t believe you!”
“Wh—” Hirano’s done thinking before he acts, or speaks for that matter, and grabs Kagi’s hands to pull them away from his face because he wants to see him. “Well— well maybe it is, damn it, just answer me!”
“A—answer? You didn’t ask, you demanded!” Kagi counters, eyes wider than they probably should go.
“Fine!” Hirano exclaims, and he’s holding both of Kagi’s hands in some sort of weird, heat-of-the-moment plea, trying his best not to pass out from how stupid he feels even asking this but he really can’t see any other way out of this. The more words tumble out, the more it sounds like this proposal Kagi mentioned, and he doesn’t care anymore because it may as well be. Hirano has no plans of being away from Kagi no matter what colleges they attend or what jobs they'll have or how many years pass, and it’s not a well-thought out idea at all, but he can’t care anymore, staying as earnest as possible. “Move in with me next year, Kagi.”
He hadn’t meant to drop the honorific either, but it sounds perfectly fine to him despite the slight tremor in his hands that he’s hiding by squeezing Kagi’s. That, or Kagi’s hands are shaking as his are, and the grasp they have between each other’s fingers is the only thing keeping them as steady as they can be.
Hirano had thought it impossible for Kagi’s smile to get any brighter, for his face to be any more beautiful, but that’s a day, a night, he’s proved so, so wrong, because Kagi is definitely crying now, not the tears that Hirano wants to rid of, but the tears he never thought he’d be capable of seeing. “Okay,” Kagi answers, and it’s quiet but not unsure. No, it’s a declaration, and he tacks on an, “I promise.”
No, Hirano thinks, I refuse to cry in front of him. Turns out he doesn’t have to because Kagi lowers himself until his forehead hits their hands. Whatever tear falls out of his eye and hits his pillow is hidden by the darkness and out of his sight, and that’s good, because that was the most disgusting monologue he’s ever spoken out loud, worse than reading his sorry letter to his teacher about having dyed his hair blond and wearing earrings.
“I can’t believe you, Hirano-san,” Kagi groans, still masking his face from the angle. It’s as ‘Kagi’ as anything ever could be, except for how somber his voice sounds, something he doesn’t like. “How am I supposed to survive this year?”
Hirano inhales as deeply as he can without it sounding like a sniffle. “Well,” he begins. “You did say you were gonna be on my ass all the time, so there’s that.”
“Pft—” his head moves slightly so that he can look off to the side again. “And you said I could.”
Hirano’s rolling his eyes already. “You’re so spoiled.”
“Another addition to the list of things that you caused.”
Hirano kicks Kagi again, but this time it’s weak because he’s laughing against the top of his head, unable to care about their proximity and how this might appear, how they may find themselves in the morning because the future doesn’t matter until their promise is fulfilled, and he can’t wait for that to happen.
Kagi is still Kagi, actually, so besides all of the embarrassing things Hirano’s had the displeasure of saying that night, he says, “I hope you’re ready to hear a lot of ‘I love you’s’ from now on.”
And Hirano can’t quite hide his relief in that fact, always revealed by his voice, his tone, and his grin. “Never.”