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They don’t want this to happen, they don’t want to have to say goodbye. But they both know it’s inevitable.
“I can’t let go,” Carina has her arms are around Maya’s shoulders as she snuggles her face into Maya’s neck inhaling deeply. Carina didn’t think it would be this hard saying goodbye. Carina has left to go to Italy for the summer when they were in high school and they were separated before but not like this. They haven’t been separated for this long before and never since they started dating.
Five months, it seems like forever until Christmas and the holidays but that’s how long they have to wait. It’s going to feel like torture.
“Me neither.” Maya says into Carina’s hair as she kisses the crown of her head and they both stand there in silence.
They are both stuck in their heads as they stand there in the parking garage living in this moment wanting to etch it into their brains. They know it’s not forever but it’s going to feel like it is.
“But it’s only five months until Christmas it’s going to fly by and before you know it you’ll be home for three whole weeks.” Maya says trying to reassure not only Carina but herself as well.
Carina nods and sighs knowing she is right; she leans back to look into Maya’s eyes and gives her a sad and weak smile as tears begin to gather. Her vision becomes blurry from the unshed tears until they finally drop out of her eyes. She sniffles wishing this wasn’t so hard.
“Hey, don’t cry.” Maya says letting go of Carina to frame her face with both her hands wiping away her tears with her thumbs. Maya hates seeing Carina cry, she always feels so helpless. She wishes she could take all her pain away from her and carry it around herself. “This isn’t a goodbye okay?”
“It sure as hell feels like it is,” Carina grumbles sounding like a child making Maya chuckle.
“No it’s not. Goodbyes imply you aren’t coming back; this is just a see you later.” Maya smiles as tears start to gather in her eyes as well, she doesn’t want to cry. She wants to stay strong for Carina.
Carina nods sniffling once more leaning into Maya’s touch closing her eyes trying to etch the feeling of her hands into her brain knowing she’s going to need it. “Yeah, see you later. You and me against the world right?” Carina asks staring into her favorite pair of eyes, she sees the assurance and strength she needs in Maya’s eyes. They are going to be fine; they are going to get through this. They have been through a hell of a lot worse than long distance. It’s going to be really hard and a learning curve as well but they know if they have each other they can do just about anything.
“Yeah, you and me against the world, nothing can break us apart.” Maya says closing her eyes and leaning forward connecting both of their foreheads. They both sit there in silence for a few moments before breaking apart.
“You should get going, you don’t want to miss your flight.” Maya says pulling away fully and shoving her hands into her pockets knowing if she doesn’t she will never let Carina leave.
“Okay…Be safe okay? I don’t want to get any calls about you getting hurt, you have to come home okay? Don’t let your pride get the better of you.” Carina says pointing at Maya a small smile on her face trying to lighten the mood. The truth is Carina is absolutely terrified about leaving Maya behind because of her new job and she knows Maya can tell. The thought about being on the other side of the country and the chance of something happening terrifies her. She doesn’t want to get a call and have to wait five hours in order to get to her. But Maya’s eyes light up when she talks about it and that makes Carina feel better, she knows Maya wouldn’t put herself in any position to get hurt, she trusts her. It also helps that she ended up in the same station as the others, Carina has already asked them to keep an eye on her and to send her updates.
“I promise to be careful; I will keep you updated on everything sound good? I won’t put myself in unnecessary danger.” Maya reassures her knowing she needs to hear the words, knowing she is terrified of what might happen while she’s away.
“Okay, I can live with that I guess.” Carina says and they stand there in silence for a little neither of them wanting to leave.
“I love you.” Maya says wrapping her arms around Carina’s shoulder’s one more time.
Carina reciprocates the hug wrapping her arms around Maya’s waist holding her close, “Ti voglio bene tanto bambina, sempre per sempre.” [I love you so much baby, always forever]
They both pull away from the hug and pull each other in for a searing kiss wanting to show the other how much they love each other.
“Have a safe flight and text me when you land and get to the dorms.” Maya says taking a step back as Carina gathers her bags.
“I will, promise,” Carina gives her one quick kiss on her cheek before heading towards the doors. She doesn’t look back knowing if she does she won’t want to leave.
Maya watches her walks away leaning against the back of the car not wanting to go home to an empty apartment. Not wanting to go to a place that screams Carina, she doesn’t want to feel sad anymore. She can’t, she needs to do something before she goes crazy. She decides going to her mom’s is a safe place to go, at least she can vent to her and she also knows she will make her lunch if she goes over there and she won’t complain about that.
She gets in her car and drives in silence without the radio on, she doesn’t think she can handle the noise with everything that is going on in her mind.
All she can think about is Carina and how terrified she is of this next chapter of their lives. A chapter that involves them being separated more than being together, a chapter that involves her heart aching because Carina isn’t there to help calm it.
She thinks about how they are going to miss out on things going on each other’s lives, how the physical distance could possibly cause emotional distance as well.
Maya wishes more than anything that she was strong enough for this, strong enough to not be self-conscious and worried that something is going to split them apart. She knows that her feeling this is ridiculous, Carina loves her and Maya knows this she really does. But she also knows that when Carina walks into a room everyone turns their heads, she knows the probability of someone making a move on her.
She trusts Carina and she knows nothing will happen on her end, she knows Carina would ever cheat. She wishes have they didn’t have to be separated especially not for four years. But she knows Carina worked extremely hard to get into Harvard and Maya is insanely proud that she gets to tell people that her girlfriend is going to Harvard Medical School.
It just sucks.
She gets to her moms and walks into the house not even bothering to knock and not caring to be honest. She and her mom have gotten closer over the last four years and they are to the point she will go to her for advice. This instant being one of them, she needs to talk to someone about this and her mom seems to be one of the best people to talk to.
“Mom?” Maya calls out knowing she must be home seeing the front door was unlocked.
“Maya?” Katherine says confused as she walks into the foyer out of the kitchen to see her daughter walking towards her.
“What are you doing here?” She asks trying to think if they had previously agreed to meet up and have lunch.
“Nice to see you too mom,” Maya says laughing and moving into the kitchen to sit down at the table.
Katherine rolls her eyes and laughs sitting across the table from her daughter, she finally takes in how she looks and notices the tear track and blood shot eyes. She then remembers what today is, it’s the day Carina left for Harvard, suddenly everything makes sense.
“How are you doing? It’s got to be really hard letting her go.” Katherine comments.
“I’m not really letting her go, but I am not doing too well as I am sure you can tell. I didn’t think it was going to be as hard as it is. I knew that it was going to hurt and sting but not like this, this feels…it feels like my heart is breaking. We have been separated before when she used to go to Italy for the summer in high school so why does this feel so different?”
Katherine gives her daughter a sad smile knowing how inseparable Maya and Carina are, how much the two of them care for the other. Katherine looks at them and sees pure love and admiration they share between them.
“Because you love her Maya and not as friends, you are in love with her honey. Since you two have become a couple you haven’t been separated, and knowing she is going to be gone for months probably hurts a lot more than you thought it would. It hurts now but I am sure it’s going to get easier with time. You two will get into a rhythm and before you know it the four years will be over with.”
Katherine hopes she is helping but her daughters fear at ease, she can see the turmoil on her face and wishes she could take away her pain.
“Yeah you’re right, it’s just hard, knowing that I will only see her through a phone screen up until Christmas. But I have work to distract me, working 24 and sometimes 48 hour shifts will take my mind off of it hopefully.” Maya says hopeful that it will be true, she needs it to be true.
“Thanks mom, I really needed to talk to someone about this,” Maya says giving her mom a smile. Maya is happy that she has her in her life to get advice from, she could have gone to one of her friends but they all are busy with their new careers and she knows none of them would have time to talk to her.
“You’re welcome, I am always here to listen to you whenever you need. Now how about I make you some lunch before I have to go to work huh?” Katherine asks and Maya’s nods a smile on her face. Maya feels 10x better having talked about Carina leaving, it still hurts a whole lot but she knows they can get through this. As long as they stick together they can conquer anything.
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Carina goes through the whole process of checking her bags and going through security on autopilot. She doesn’t think about anything really, not wanting to cry in front of a bunch of strangers. Once she’s through she finds her gate and sits down looking out the window as the plains and baggage carts move about. She focuses on that and not anything else, she can’t think about the fact she is leaving Maya behind in Seattle. She is really excited to go to medical school and start this next chapter in her life but she wished Maya could do that with her. She wishes Maya could go to the Fire Academy in Boston so they can be together, but she knows that’s a lot to ask of Maya. Besides all of their friends and families are there in Seattle and Maya would have to start fresh and she doesn’t want to ask her to do that.
Carina feels like she is going to miss out on so much by being in Boston, life is going to keep going and she is sad that she won’t be able to live it with her friends. But she is going to make new friends at Harvard and everything will be okay, her and Maya are going to be okay.
Carina looks around and watches all the people walking through the terminal wondering to herself where they are all going. It takes her mind off of her racing thoughts until she hears that her flight is boarding and she stands up as they call for business class.
Carina: I’m boarding the plane now, I’ll let you know when I land, ti voglio bene bella.
Carina texts Maya as she sits down knowing she is probably just getting home. She closes her eyes and lets her head hit the head rest as she keeps her tears at bay. Her heart hurts and she doesn’t want to start openly crying in public where a crowd of people watch her.
Maya: Okay, have a safe flight babe, I love you too.
One simple text makes Carina’s heart calm down and smile, something as simple as a text telling her to have a safe flight. She knows they can do this, that they can survive this and come out the other side stronger for it.
They can do this, they will survive. It’s them against the world, they are a team and no one can tear them apart.