Work Text:
So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
He still couldn’t believe that his life was about to come to an end. Rationally, he knew he was dying. The terrible pain he was in, the wound that would not heal were merciless reminders of that fact. But he had cheated death so many times, sometimes even welcomed it, that it seemed tragically ironic that death would come for him now. Now when he didn’t want to die, and for one reason only.
Horatio.
Archie Kennedy wasn’t a man who cried easily, but facing the harsh reality of having to leave Horatio alone was crushing him, and, no matter how much he fought it, a tear dropped from the corner of his eye.
Horatio had always been somewhat closed off, reserved, shy. Only Archie had ever managed to get past the walls Horatio had built around himself, when, as young midshipmen, they had become the best of friends. Back then, Archie had realised that Horatio meant so much more than that to him, but he had never voiced his deeper feelings, afraid that, in doing so, he would lose the person who meant the most to him. Archie was in love, but he had decided that Horatio wouldn’t ever find out.
Until Spain. Until Archie’s desperation had brought him on the brink of death. Furtive glances at first, and, later, gazes held for too long, fleeting touches of hands, words left unsaid, desperate pleas for Archie to get better, were all unexpected signs that, by some kind of miracle, Horatio felt the same way as he did. And those years ever since Horatio had opened his heart to him, had been the happiest of Archie’s life.
Brothers in arms, best friends, lovers. They were everything to each other, and Archie dreaded to think what would happen to Horatio’s world when he was no longer in it. He knew him too well not to realise that he would again hide behind those walls of his, close his heart and live his life like a good officer in His Majesty’s Navy was supposed to do, but dying a little inside every day. And Archie loved him too much to bear the thought of that happening to him.
If a great wave shall fall
And fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own?
But at least Horatio would live. Archie had made sure of that. As far as the Admiralty was concerned, Lieutenant Kennedy was the mutinous officer who had attacked his captain. Horatio was safe, and that was all that mattered.
Was it though? He probably was only kidding himself. Yes, Horatio was safe. He would not be hanged, but his heart had been torn to shreds. Archie had seen the horrified look on Horatio’s face as the marines were taking Archie away. Horatio could not comprehend what had just happened, could not comprehend that someone could sacrifice so much for him. On that beautiful face of his, disbelief had slowly faded into despair. Knowing Horatio as well as he did, Archie feared that he would feel guilty for the rest of his life. Please forgive me, Horatio. And forgive yourself. It’s not your fault. You know I’d do anything for you.
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
“I don’t deserve what you did for me”.
“I’d rather have hanged than watch you do this”.
“I don’t want to let you go”.
The desperate words Horatio whispered at his bedside, he didn’t need to say them. Archie knew, he had always known. He knew Horatio’s heart as if it was his own. And he also knew that Horatio was forcing himself not to shed a single tear. But Archie could feel the pain he was in just by looking at his strained features, at the way he was shaking, at the way his hand was fiercely gripping Archie’s. Hold on, Horatio. Please hold on to me. Maybe if you hold on hard enough, then I won’t be able to leave.
“I don’t want to leave you either”, Archie rasped, and with what little strength he had left, tried to squeeze back the hand holding his. He wanted to stay with Horatio forever. Why couldn’t he? Why was life so cruel? All he wanted was to stand by his side like he had always done. Always together...
Images started flooding his mind.
Seeing the Indy for the first time.
Reading Cervantes together.
Holding hands in the dark, the only way they could love one another on the ship.
Standing together at the top of the main mast of the Indy.
How Horatio had smiled at him that day… He had never forgotten about it. It was the smile that Horatio reserved for him, and for him only. What would happen now? Would Horatio ever smile like that again? Archie hoped he would, he prayed he would. He wanted to ask him, to beg him to live again after this, but he found he had no voice left, and that scared him. He thought he felt Horatio’s hand clasp his tighter, and heard his voice calling out his name, but it was all blending together, the pain, the fear, Horatio’s voice.
The last thing he was aware of was a broken voice whispering “Archie, I love you”.
And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
Peace. No more pain. Archie felt like he was wrapped up in a cocoon, floating away. It was liberating. There was no noise, and the raging pain that had plagued him for days was no more. Apparently, the afterlife wasn’t so bad after all.
Except for one thing: Horatio wasn’t here. Archie’s heart already ached for his presence. Horatio desperately telling him he loved him was the last thing he ever heard while he was alive. I love you too, Horatio, and I will treasure those words for all of eternity. But I miss you already. I need to see you. I need to make sure you’re alright. How can I be at peace not knowing if you are? There had to be a way for him to watch over Horatio, love him from afar, and make sure he was doing fine…
If a great wave shall fall
And fall upon us all
Well then I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you
Someone was stroking his hair. Gently, lovingly. It was soothing, and Archie sighed, leaning into the touch. A touch that he was slowly beginning to recognize. Only one person had ever touched him like that. But it couldn’t be.
Archie was dead, and if Horatio was here with him, it could only mean one thing… No! Everything he did, he did for one reason only, to protect Horatio. He had done all he could to ensure that Horatio was alive, healthy and doing what he loved most. Horatio couldn’t be here, he couldn’t be dead. It couldn’t have been all for nothing… He wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all, but all that came out was a barely audible whimper.
“It’s alright, Archie, it’s alright”.
Why was Horatio saying that? Nothing was alright. Nothing would ever be alright again. He had failed, as he always did, but this time Horatio had paid the price. Archie was truly as useless as he had always thought he was. Again, he hadn’t been able to do something right, not even in the end. A tear escaped from his eye, and he felt like he had lost the last shred of his dignity.
He felt a gentle hand wipe away that lone tear.
“There’s no need for that, Archie. Everything is going to be fine. You’re weak because of the surgery, but the doctor says you’re going to live. It’s a miracle, Archie. A miracle”.
Surgery? He didn’t remember any surgery… Archie was utterly confused. Wasn’t he supposed to be dead? What was Horatio talking about? Realising he wasn’t even sure of where he was, Archie tried to fight his way out of the fog he was in, desperate to understand.
Opening his eyes was a struggle, but, when he finally did, he saw Horatio smiling at him like he never had before, his eyes suspiciously wet.
“Horatio?”, he managed to croak out.
A strangled sound, between a laugh and a sob, was the only answer Horatio was able to give. He could only nod, his hand still running through Archie’s hair and grounding him to this new and weird reality. He still wasn’t quite sure where they were. This wasn’t the prison infirmary anymore, but he was positive now that this wasn’t the afterlife either.
“I don’t understand”, Archie murmured, a wave of dizziness threatening to pull him under again.
Horatio tried to regain his composure and cleared his throat, reaching for Archie’s hand.
“It’s normal for you to be a little confused. It’s the laudanum, the doctor gave you a whole bottle to get you through the surgery. But don’t you worry about a thing now. Just rest. I’ll be here when you wake up. I’m not leaving you”.
Archie smiled. After all, he didn’t care where he was. Against all odds, apparently they were both going to be fine. Horatio was with him. That was all he needed to know. He gave himself away to the darkness and happily returned to his cocoon.
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
Archie slept a lot in the days that followed, and every time he woke up, he found Horatio by his side. His constant presence made him feel incredibly safe and loved, and never had he loved him more than in those moments. One time, he woke to find that Horatio had laid his head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat with a look of wonder on his face. When he sensed Archie watching him, he blushed and quickly composed himself, but tentatively reached up to caress his cheek, whispering, “You’re so very precious to me, Archie”, and kissed him so sweetly that Archie wanted to weep.
Horatio had filled him in on everything that had happened after he had passed out in the infirmary. Something about Pellew bringing in a surgeon who had somehow managed to remove the bullet. Something about Horatio getting a command. Something about how Horatio had managed to stow Archie away aboard Retribution. Something about Archie needing a new identity.
It was a lot of information to digest, and the details were starting to blur together in Archie’s mind, but, to him, it didn’t matter. He let himself be lulled by the rocking of the ship that was bringing them back home, secure in the knowledge that he and Horatio were together, exactly how they were supposed to be.
I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time
Archie had always known it couldn’t last.
He and Horatio had spent some wonderful months together. The uneasy peace between England and France had kept Horatio ashore, and he hadn’t minded one bit, much to Archie’s surprise. They had kept away from Portsmouth, for fear someone would recognize Archie there. That gained them the sort of privacy they never had before. His worries about Archie’s safety notwithstanding, Horatio was happy and carefree. Archie never thought his lover could be complete without a commission, but Horatio had assured him that being with him was more than enough, and that he had never been happier.
They made love every night, and slept in each other’s arms until morning. It was bliss, pure and simple.
But peace never lasts forever, and when news came that Horatio was expected to ship out in a few days’ time, Archie felt his happy life slipping away for good. Horatio was going away, but Archie wasn’t a commissioned officer anymore, so, this time, where Horatio went, he couldn’t follow.
Archie knew he was being selfish. Horatio loved being at sea, and Archie should have been happy that Horatio would be out doing what he loved most. Yet, his heart was breaking at the thought of someone else being at Horatio’s side on the quarterdeck, filling a post that should have been his, and his alone.
Today they were going to be separated, and Archie feared their relationship wasn’t ever going to be the same again. Archie had decided long ago that he was going to wait for Horatio if he ever went away. Yes, he was a sentimental fool, but there was no other way for him to live than beside Horatio. And if that meant faithfully waiting for him to return like any dutiful partner would, then that’s what he would do. But doubts were plaguing him.
Horatio didn’t seem as eager as Archie had expected to take command of the Hotspur, and he had been miserable ever since he heard the news of his shipping out. This time, though, Horatio had been reluctant to share his deepest feelings with Archie, who was left wondering about his reasons. Was Horatio troubled about leaving Archie behind, or was it something else?
What if Horatio had changed his mind about the two of them? After being made a commander, Horatio may have realised the inconvenience of having an undead, convicted mutineer waiting for him ashore. What if Horatio was thinking of ending things before it became too painful? Even entertaining the notion seemed unbearable to Archie.
But when Horatio appeared before him in his new commander uniform, with the shining golden epaulette, all rational thought escaped Archie. His beautiful figure clashed with the grim expression on his face, and Archie wondered once again what was clouding his lover’s brown eyes.
Without saying a word, Horatio walked up to Archie and gripped him in a fierce hug. Archie felt a gush of breath against his ear, and the words Horatio spoke next made him weak in the knees.
“There won’t be a moment on that damn ship that I won’t think of you”.
Archie wrapped his arms around Horatio and waited for his next words. Was Horatio going to say goodbye to him for good?
Without breaking contact, Horatio whispered against Archie’s neck, “I know I have no right to ask this of you, but… will you wait for me?” When he drew back, Archie could see Horatio looking at him with his deep dark eyes clouded by doubt.
Relief flooded through Archie, and he had to smile. They were a couple of silly fools. He, for ever doubting Horatio, and Horatio, for actually believing that Archie could ever live without him.
There was no hesitation in Archie’s reply, only a lingering fear for Horatio’s safety.
“I’ll wait for you for as long as I live, Horatio. Just come back to me”.
Archie felt Horatio release the breath he was holding.
“I’ll be back. Always.” Horatio whispered against Archie’s lips.
It was that simple, really. Archie loved the best man he had ever known, who loved him in return. Even if they were oceans apart, in their hearts they would be as close as ever.
They were still brothers in arms, best friends, lovers. Wherever they would go.