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Step One: Wake up in her bed. She will be laying beside you, sound asleep–roll over and look at her. Trace the scars that blemish her skin with your eyes. Look at the places that you’ve touched: realize that you are one of the few given the chance to memorize what places make her sigh, what places make her laugh. Ghost your fingertips over and across her lips. Realize you love her. When she stirs awake, take in the lopsided grin she offers you. Whisper what you will never say aloud into her mouth when she leans close to you: I love you, I love you, I need you.
Step Two: Walk into her quarters one day with the intention of surprising her. She will not be there. Ask EDI where she is. You will be told that she is on a mission–she left an hour ago, in fact. Stand in the silence of the room. Swallow the disappointment that rises like bile in your throat. Disregard the fact that she did not say goodbye.
Step Three: Remind yourself that you knew this was a bad idea. Remind yourself that you told her you weren’t interested in anything serious. Close your eyes. See her in the darkness that surrounds you, smiling, laughing, fighting. Wonder when the mug that had previously been in your hands shattered into a thousand pieces. Wonder why she will never be yours.
Step Four: When she kisses you, don’t kiss back. You can’t. Her lips taste like ash and dust, like impossibilities and war. She doesn’t notice the frown on your lips when she pulls away. She never will.
Step Five: Save the entire goddamn universe with her. Taste blood in your mouth after the battle is over. Watch as she celebrates with your crewmates. Tend to your wounds. Forget the feeling of forever.
Step Six: Remember that you cannot love a woman who will never love you. Close your heart to her. Pull away when she touches you. Fail. Wake up in her bed. Count her scars. Remember that she will never look at them and think of you.
Step Seven: Leave when she does. She is gone. Forget. Don’t remember. Be a better man. Toughen up, soldier, a broken heart is not a wound we acknowledge. You are bleeding, but no one can see. Carry on.
Step Eight: One month passes. Stop loving her.
Step Nine: Four months pass. Stop loving her.
Step Ten: Six months pass. Stop loving her. There is another woman, strong, capable, with eyes that shine and a smile that feels like home. Don’t think about your Savior. Succeed, for once, and pack the memory of her away. Bury the pieces of your heart that she held in her hands. When she comes to you again, realize that you have found the things that she could never give: home, security, safety. Be grateful. Be strong. Fall out of love with your savior; return the things she gave you.
Leave. Cradle the small ache in your heart. Go where she can never follow.