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Wade’s fingers stroked his gun, in a totally non-sexual way. “Patience,” he chided it.
His stomach growled.
“You too,” he complained. “Shh.”
He stepped in front of his target, some scrawny idiot who had decided to wander home past midnight. Wade wasn’t really being picky.
Wade brandished the gun.
“Hands up!”
The boy blinked twice and held up his hands. He was shorter than Wade. Cute. A shoulder-bag hefted on one shoulder. He looked at Wade curiously. “Uh…are you okay?”
Wade gave him an incredulous look. “I’m robbing you.”
The guy nodded. “Yeah, I got that. But you look a little…” he waved his hands. “Uh.”
Wade glared at him. “Give me all your money.” He didn’t like people going off script. At least, it was supposed to be the script, he assumed. He’d never actually robbed someone before.
And yeah, he knew he looked like crap. If he was okay, he wouldn’t be robbing someone in the middle of the night.
“I…I’ll do you one better.”
“Better?” Wade examined him. “Are you okay?” He gestured to his own head with the gun, then winced and pointed it back at the guy. “Up there.”
The man was nodding, seemingly to himself. “I’ll buy your gun.”
“W-what?” This was not how it was supposed to go. There were rules goddamit.
The man nodded again. “I’ll give you my money. You give me the gun.”
Wade wondered if he’d hit his head. “That’s not how it works.”
“I know that,” the guy said patiently. “But this way, no one gets hurt, and nothing illegal goes on.” He frowned to himself. “Well, I suppose you’re selling me a gun, I’m not quite sure on the rules about that anymore.” He shrugged. “But you’re not technically robbing me right? That’s a plus.” He pulled out his wallet, emptying the cash into his hand and holding it out. “Deal?”
Wade looked at the cash. “Deal.” He flipped the gun and handed it over, taking the cash with his free hand.
The man looked pleased as the both let go of their respective offerings.
Wade skimmed through the cash. It was a lot of cash.
“Wait.” Wade said, his brain finally coming online. “Now you’re going to rob me.”
The guy looked at him with wide eyes. “Nope. I’m not a dick.” He nodded once again and stepped past him, going along his way, and carefully placing the gun in his bag. “Besides, it looks like you need the money.”
Wade stood there for a few seconds. “Hey!” He turned and ran after the guy. “I’m not a dick,” he informed him.
The guy raised an eyebrow, and kept walking. “Didn’t say you were.”
“Yes you did. You said people who robbed people are dicks.”
The man shrugged. “People who buy guns off people and then rob them, actually.”
Wade screwed up his face in thought. “I guess.”
The man nodded sagely. “Mm-hmm.”
“But you’re going to call the police right? I mean, you have my gun, you could like trace it or whatever. Wait, are you secret service? Is that why you have so much money?”
“I’m a scientist.”
“Scientists don’t get paid that much.”
“I’m a very good scientist.”
“Are you a weapon scientist?”
The man’s lips quirked. “Nope.”
Wade pulled a face. “Can’t believe I robbed a nerd.”
“Tried to rob.”
Wade stuck out his tongue.
“Are you going to follow me home?”
Wade shrugged. “Maybe. Why?”
“Why would it matter if the guy who tried to rob me followed me home?”
“Hey, you’re the one playing the good Samaritan card.”
“That doesn’t mean I’m going to let you into my house.”
“I don’t know why, plenty of good smut stories start that way.”
“I’m not going to have sex with you either.”
“Aw, and here I was all excited.”
The man stopped and shot him a look. “Seriously,” he waved a hand. “Shoo.”
Wade pouted. “Aren’t you worried I’m a criminal?”
“You tried to rob me. I know you’re a criminal.” He paused. “Well, a wannabe anyway.”
Wade put a hand over his heart. “That hurt.” He shook his head. “How do you know I don’t work for a gang?”
“You’d suck at being in a gang.”
“Or maybe I’m a really good actor. Or maybe I’ll go and rob someone else.”
“I gave you enough money to last for ages. There’s no point robbing someone else.”
“Maybe I get off on it. Or maybe I’m a compulsive gambler. Maybe the money’ll be gone within the hour.”
“Are you?”
“No,” Wade admitted. “But I might be.”
“I trust you.” The guy started walking away.
“Do you?”
“You gave me your gun. A hardened criminal would have just taken the money. So would someone who was in the habit of getting into trouble.”
“Aw, look at you, little logic factory.”
“I am a scientist.”
Wade nodded. “I remember.”
“Good. You probably don’t have brain damage then.”
“That hurts too.”
“You held a gun to me. That probably hurt more.”
“I’m more sensitive than you.”
“I’m sure.”
“I am. When they killed off Spock’s mother in that awful reboot, I cried. When they cancelled Almost Human, I cried. When I found out the new Star Wars movie was gonna ignore all the book canon, I cried.”
The guys lips quirked again. “I thought I was the nerd.”
“I’m a geek,” Wade admitted. “Or wait, it’s changed hasn’t it? Geeks and nerds are the other way round now. Ughh. I’m like Roy from IT Crowd, and you’re Moss.”
“Gee, thanks.” The guy looked both ways before crossing a road.
“Hey, Moss is cool!”
“Sure he is.” The guy ran a hand through his hair. “I came here to drink milk and kick ass, and I’ve just finished my milk.”
Wade laughed. “See, that’s the type of thing I’m talking about.”
“Tnetennba,” he murmured, not really paying Wade attention.
“Good morning, that’s a nice tnetennba.” Wade dutifully added.
The guy smiled at him. “It’s been a while since I’ve watched it.”
“Well, it’s over now. I cried when it ended too,” Wade confided.
“Of course you did.”
“The special was pretty good though. Noel Fielding is pretty hot.”
The guy flushed. “Yeah.”
“Ooh, sorry, is homosexuality a touchy subject?” Wade asked genuinely.
The man shook his head. “No, it’s just…”
“Ooh, are you gay?” Wade stepped closer. “Cos I’m definitely single, and you’re pretty hot.”
The guy’s flush deepened, but he managed an annoyed look. “You tried to rob me fifteen minutes ago.”
“Ancient history. And that’s not a no.”
“No.”
“Rude.”
“You just-” the guy sighed.
“You haven’t even introduced yourself yet. Bad manners,” Wade continued.
“Peter.”
Wade almost tripped. He hadn’t been expecting him to actually answer. “Well, hello Peter,” he said in his flirtiest voice.
“Don’t do that, I’m still not sleeping with you.”
“Why not? You could be my sugar-”
“I swear to god if you finish that sentence I’m calling the police.”
“Hmph.”
“So what’s your name?”
“Huh?”
“Your name,” Peter repeated patiently.
“Oh. Wade.” Wade nodded. “Wait! Don’t tell the police.”
“I wasn’t going to.” Peter stopped walking. They had reached the corner of a block. “I’m going to go now.”
“Aw. I was enjoying our talk, Petey baby.”
Peter gave him a bemused look. “Yeah, this has been an…experience.”
“Do I at least get your number?”
“Do you even have a phone?”
“I’m hurt.”
“You keep saying that.”
“You keeping wounding me. My pride is very fragile, baby boy.”
“Why would I give you my number?”
“Because,” Wade said with wide eyes. “If you don’t, I might get the idea that this is how every robbery is supposed to go, like I might think that’s how you meet people, like a social activity, and I might go and rob someone else, maybe an old lady, and do you really want that on your consciousness?”
Peter stood there for a few seconds. Finally he pulled out a business card. “Just…just don’t go robbing people.”
Wade nodded energetically. “Wouldn’t think of it, hot stuff.”
Peter turned away. “Good night Wade.”
“Night Petey!”
Wade hummed to himself as he walked away.
This night had been far more productive than Wade had predicted. Not only did he have enough cash to last weeks, he had a hot guy’s number.
And people said crime was wrong.