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Sirius sat alone on the cold bench of the tube in the darkest hour of night, watching the silent sleepers around him. The world was quiet but his mind was unbearably loud.
How could things have possibly gone so wrong?
Right now he was supposed to be happy and celebrating. It was supposed to be perfect and wonderful and bliss because he made the bold decision that would change everything. For the better.
And yet here he was. Alone. He should’ve expected this, honestly. Sirius always made stupid, rash decisions. It was in his blood.
Sirius almost criticized himself for taking the night train, for the silence made his self pity immeasurable. But bustling crowds would feel stifling, mocking. Nothing could help, really.
~
It had been cold. Beautiful fairy lights were hung all around the Potter’s porch, soaking them in yellowish, dazed lighting.
He looked beautiful, Remus remembered. Looking back, Remus hoped that’s how he’d always picture Sirius. Not the crestfallen look on his face after, nearly begging Remus to stay.
Remus regretted it now. Not what he said, but what he did. Standing there in front of the man he loved, Remus dropped his hand and simply said no. It felt all wrong and messed up but he hadn’t known what to do. Remus couldn’t marry, not now, not during a war, not when he felt so twisted up inside. He wasn’t ready.
But Remus left him there. And for that he could never forgive himself.
~
Sirius felt horribly stupid. He had told Regulus excitedly, all giddy and stupid and in love.
Sirius wanted an exciting, heartstopping moment he’d never forget. It’s true he’d never forget, at least.
Words wouldn’t come to his mouth. His mind was a mess and his life was tumbling apart but he couldn’t say anything.
~
Remus felt he’d never deserved Sirius. At least now he could find someone better for him.
Sirius was golden and warm. He helped to quell the constant anxiety in Remus’s head. They’d lost forever, because of Remus, and now friendship even would be so hard.
Remus had watched Sirius’ face fall and watched him crumble. At his own hand. It was torture
And yet it was his fault. Remus was never ready so he watched Sirius leave.
What a shame he was fucked in the head.
“Marry me,” Sirius whispered, senseless and desperate in the fragile night. “Marry me, Remus.”
Remus hoped someday Sirius would find the real thing, the blissful love he deserved that would help to patch up what Remus tore apart. Sirius deserved someone better than him.
And then he’ll forget Remus and their lost love. And all his champagne problems.
It was for the best.