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~*~
I am silence.
I am a shadow to be used as my Lord deems fit.
It has always been this way. From the moment my memories first solidified, to this very day. I have been trained from the first cries that escaped my lips to be a harbinger of death from the deepest of shadows.
It’s all I have ever known.
Physiker by trade, I have faithfully served my Lord and the only one I might truly call a friend, doing my best to ensure his survival in any and every way possible.
Never once have I faltered. Even when Harunobu brought Sasuke in under his wing, I still remained Harunobu’s ever diligent shadow, foiling any attempts at ending his life before they ever even became a thought.
I have never faltered. Not even when his illness grew more severe. I traveled far and wide in search of cures I had not been aware of before.
I have done everything in my power to protect him, for he is my light and I, his shadow.
I have never faltered. Not even when Sasuke saved another soul from damnation, bringing in the woman from the clan that had somehow escaped Iga’s clutches.
This woman of the Mitsuba clan - she may be the key I have sought for so long. The key I need to unlock the mechanism to Harunobu’s illness. I watched as she gave Sasuke an antidote that had been naught but myth. I saw how quickly it worked and a spark of hope ignited in me. In no time, Sasuke’s health had returned from taking a poisoned needle for Harunobu. Something that should have been done by me as Harunobu’s shadow.
~*~
I have faltered.
Time untold has passed since then. The Mitsuba girl was assigned to work alongside me as I taught her what I know as a healer.
Such a strange word, healer. Particularly when applied to one the likes of myself, who would take life just as easily as give it, should my Lord command it.
Enough time has passed, that I know her scent. I know her shape. I know her. I do not show it, for it is forbidden to the children of the shadows, but when she enters my quarters to start work anew, my heart starts to burn.
On occasion, I have caught myself looking forward to another day, rather than simply living for the moment, ever ready to follow Harunobu’s word. Her smile brightens every room she enters, her presence warm like a summer day.
I am not used to such a feeling. So used to the cold shadows as I am, her warm disposition and smile sear my flesh, her light blinding. But I cannot turn away.
I find myself wanting more of something I know I can never have.
~*~
Mikawa.
Sasuke has taken her to the Tokugawa on some fools errant, a mission he was never given by Harunobu. Yes, it had been one of Tokugawa’s men who had attempted to take our Lord’s life. However, a shinobi mustn’t rush in blindly.
All because of some reckless endeavor, he plans on using the Mitsuba woman and his own pseudo son as a front to get closer to the Tokugawa lord.
If only Sasuke truly knew and understood how she felt about him. If he had reciprocated her feelings, then would he have truly taken her with him? Used her? Like as not, should he somehow fail, he is not above using others to achieve his goal. Except for using someone for a means to an end, both he and she are alike in that they have a deeply set need to help and protect others. It’s what drives them.
This is foreign to me, for I am a simple instrument, a tool.
~*~
I have faltered.
Weeks have passed. Her sweet scent still lingers in my memory. Her smile haunts my dreams whenever I do sleep.
Tsutsujigasaki is not quite as bright as it once was without her there.
The smell of herbs from her room is dried now, its fresh scent long since gone and replaced by something bitter, leaving a unpleasant feel in its wake.
I have long given emotions away to logic, knowledge and drive to serve Harunobu. Emotions just get in the way and I have no need for them.
So why, then, do I feel this way? What am I feeling now?
I couldn’t possibly be… No. If it had been, I would never have let her go, surely.
~*~
I have not faltered.
I tell myself this as I watch Harunobu become more ill, yet he still plans on taking on the Oda.
My part is done in my advisement not to continue while in his current condition. I know he won’t listen.
I find myself wondering, however, if Harunobu suspects something is amiss that only he can see. The downside of serving the same Lord as long as I have - nothing is hidden from him.
What does he see when he looks at me with his tiger-gold eyes? There is nothing to see, for nothing shall keep me from serving him without fault.
~*~
She has returned, but her presence is diminished somehow.
The urge to ask what happened is strong, yet I am stronger and push it down. If I have learned one thing, it is that details come to light in their own time.
I do not ask what is wrong. I already know what happened to cause the change in her. I am there for her, should she require as we work tirelessly on poultices and tinctures for the Takeda clan.
Though I fight it, my heart and soul are warmed by her presence, the chill I had thought solidified in it’s presence, nearly gone.
~*~
I have faltered.
War is upon us. The very last place I would ever expect a woman like her to be. Yet, here she is, on the battlefield and running from me though I try to stop her.
Her eyes are set only on Sasuke. My eyes are on her.
I feel fear for the first time in time untold when I see the danger she’s in - while her eyes are on Sasuke.
I slay that which would cause her harm, my eyes moving back to her. Her eyes are on Sasuke. Sasuke’s eyes are on her.
Sasuke seems shocked to see her. If he could see what was before him, he would have realized sooner what he had. The fool.
~*~
I have not faltered.
I see the way she looks at him, how he looks at her, and I know that it was meant to be.
Perhaps It is more beneficial to remain the shadow, lurking, watching. Protecting those who are the most important.
I once thought that Harunobu was my only light.
I know now that I was wrong.