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The alarm ringing made Yoongi jolt. It was time for him to wake up. But was it considering waking up when he hadn’t slept. The entire night, he just laid on his side, in bed, body curled with his hands pressed between his knees. At first, he was just coming down from the adrenaline of the show but that blew over quickly, leaving him to wallow at the end.
With BTS announcing their temporary pause on group activities, Yoongi set off on creating his own schedule.
There was only one goal in mind: Finding his muse again.
He felt embarrassed for himself and to the fans. Having to admit that writing music didn’t come as easy to him anymore, that he didn’t see purpose and reason in spending nights at the Genius Lab anymore.
So he went back to his roots.
He went back underground and started participating in rap battles again. Surprisingly, not many people cared or minded that he was Suga from BTS. Ironically, they were more worried that their underground spots would be swarming with his fans that they voluntarily kept his identity a secret.
His new pseud nickname was ‘The Shooter’, known for his all black outfits, spit fire rap and jabbing lyrics.
Everyone in the rap scene, both rappers and supporters were very chill and it was easy for him to ease his way back into the underground scene.
Last night, just like any other show, Yoongi had an amazing time. Drinks were going around, rappers were having fun taking part in the fun performances on stage and all the supporters in the pit were cheering.
As he waited for his name to be called, Yoongi took a swig of whiskey, standing up and cracking his neck. Once his name was called, he could hear the crowd cheering for him. It wasn’t a night of competition, just one of having fun, people sharing the same passion for rap and music like him. Yoongi hadn’t genuinely smiled like this in a while.
“Shooter! Shooter! Shooter!” The crowd chanted as he began rapping. There weren’t any planned lyrics, it was all freestyle, something Yoongi missed the most. No need for censoring, age restriction or ‘safe’ lyrics.
As he vibed in support of the other rapper on stage, he scanned the crowd. But suddenly, Yoongi felt the wind get knocked out of him.
The person that stood right at the back, face barely visible, only the soft glow of a nearby exit sign helped Yoongi make out the person’s features only slightly.
He didn’t know if it was real, he wasn’t used to seeing the person so far back, not even looking at the stage. This wasn’t a usual mannerism. He was more used to seeing the person vibe in the front row, rather than chat with someone making the music more a background tune.
“Sorry, I need a break!” Yoongi bowed in apology and ran off the stage. No one minded, the other rappers happy to just have more of their verses in the performance. He pulled his headset off, tossing the mic aside.
“Yoongi? You good?” His manager asked.
“Y-Yeah. I need a drink.” Yoongi removed his managers hands from his shoulders and walked out. Instead of heading to the bar like he said, he went to the exit sign.
But you were gone. Yoongi scratched his head with a perplexed face. He let out a long sigh and headed to a bar.
“Whiskey. Neat.” He ordered, sliding onto the bar stool. Holding the patterned crystal glass by the rim, he took a sip and leaned his head against the back of his wrists, one hand steadily holding the glass.
Maybe this was a sign that he should just call it a night, the exhaustion hitting him and he was just seeing things. Yoongi finished the rest of his drink with one gulp and went to find his manager so he could go home. He ignored all the other people that tried to talk to him on the way to the van. Even the drive home was so quiet. Without even a goodbye, Yoongi jumped out of the van the moment it stopped at the driveway and headed to his apartment.
*BARK*
“Good evening, Holly.” Yoongi bent down to pat his head, running his fingers through the soft brown fur. Holly trotted after Yoongi, excited to just hop into bed with his owner.
There was only the sound of Holly’s footsteps and Yoongi’s house slippers shuffling around. Yoongi jumped into the shower first to get himself clean.
Leaning against the cool tiles of his shower stall, he thought back to what happened post breakup.
With ultimate secrecy, he even tried online dating. He was desperate to get rid of any thoughts in relation to him. There was something about his pride, having to show that he moved on first before you did. And some girls were really nice, coming from families that Yoongi’s mother would be excited to meet.
However, something about each of them was off.
It was too different and instead of focusing on how wonderful his date was, Yoongi found himself nitpicking at what she lacked. Not what she lacked as a person but what she lacked compared to you.
You were Yoongi’s person. The person that just clicked with him immediately and complemented his personality and mannerisms.
You had set the bar so high above the moon that Yoongi was never able to find anyone that could even come close.
After his shower, Yoongi poured himself another drink and headed to his bedroom for the night. Holly used the staircase to climb onto the big bed, curling right in the middle, meaning that Yoongi had to sleep at the side.
“Good boy.” Yoongi smiled softly, caressing Holly’s ear between his fingers. He took a seat at the small study desk in his room, it was only there in case he was lazy to head to his actual home studio. While he waited for his laptop to turn on, he scrolled on his phone, checking social media and messages from his group members.
‘New gaming set up! - Seokjin hyung’
‘Attachment: 1 image’
It was weird at first, not having all members living together. But Yoongi was glad for his own space. He could decorate it how he liked it, going for a minimalist look and do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.
‘Yoongi hyung! I hope your performance tonight went well! If you don’t mind, I sent you the new beats I was working with for track 4? There’s no rush but I would love to hear your opinion on it! - Jiminie’
Right, with the announcement of solo albums coming out, Yoongi was not only working on his own music but helping the others too.
Yoongi let out yet another sigh, this one full of despair. He rubbed his face with his hands in frustration, he hated that he had let you into his mind to invade his thoughts again.
*whimper*
“I’m alright, Holly ah.” Yoongi turned to the dog, who rested his head on his paws and looked up at his dad.
You loved Holly a lot and Holly loved you too. While he wasn’t known to be the best with strangers, just like his dad, Holly immediately took a liking to you. Your dream was to work with animals and Yoongi would never forget the way your eyes just lit up when you were with an animal.
You and Yoongi… You dated for so long that everyone thought you were going to get married.
You met when you were both 17, in high school. Yoongi went to an all boys school and you went to an all girls school but you met since you both take the same route home together.
As a kid, Yoongi was always teased about wanting to do music, even his family strongly disapproved of it. They always ended up arguing over how music is never a stable living, especially since Yoongi’s family struggled financially.
But you were the only one that supported him and his dreams. You listened to every lyric and tune that Yoongi put together.
When the first offer came, you encouraged Yoongi to take it. Every criticism, you worked through it with him. He knew he could trust you to tell him the truth and never hide anything from him.
Despite the financial struggle, Yoongi still pushed on, thanks to you. He promised to marry you, even going as far to plan out the house that you would live in together, the design mirroring the current apartment that he stayed in quite a bit. The first sign of success was when he was offered a contract by Big Hit Entertainment after placing second in a competition.
“Should I do song writing or rap?” Yoongi chewed on his bottom lip as he stared at the sign up sheet.
“Wanna flip a coin?” You offered.
“Aegi… This is serious.” Yoongi gave you a flat look. You threw your head back with laughter, reaching out to cup your boyfriend’s cheeks, positioning his head up so that it faced you.
“Listen, Min Yoongi. You got this, alright? Whether you wanna rap, write music or split an atom, heck even if you wanna fly! Go for it!” You grinned.
“Come here, you.” Yoongi softened, wrapping his arms around your waist to pull you onto his lap.
“Whatever happens, I’ll make sure to work hard and let you live the best life you could ever have, okay? Even if I have to fight my way to make it to the top, I will.” He pressed his forehead against your cheek to hold you close.
“And I’ll be there too. Fighting with you. Watch my technique.” You did mini punches with your fists.
“Yeah, you’ll definitely scare them off.” Yoongi chuckled, watching you with adoration. You weren’t usually this childish and playful, he knew you were just acting like that so he wouldn’t be so stressed and it really worked. Being with you made him feel calmer.
“Yeah so don’t mess with me! That includes you too, Min Yoongi. I’ll beat you up if I have to.” You huffed with a frown. Yoongi laughed so hard that the laughs escaping him were silent.
“I wouldn’t dare.”
“I’ll buy you a big house, you can decorate it how you’d like and we’ll have as many animals as you’d like.” Yoongi smiled softly.
“Do you really mean that? Because be prepared for me to bring home different animals to take care of and nurse through the night.” You warned with a chuckle. Yoongi tucked a stray hair behind your ears.
“I’ll even stay up with you to keep watch.” He promised.
Yoongi fell back against the back rest of his chair, staring into space while he head pressed against the head rest. He wondered if you really got the job you wanted and are living the life that you dreamt of. The both of you were so sure that by now, you would be in a home of your own together, just enjoying your lives together.
This proved to make it hard to be productive. So Yoongi headed to bed. He didn’t sleep, his mind too busy running wild. Even talking to ARMY on Weverse wasn’t enough. That emptiness in his chest was back after so many years.
When Yoongi’s alarm rang the following morning, he got up to feed Holly first. He wasn’t hungry so he didn’t need breakfast.
Sitting at his kitchen island with a big cup of iced americano, he called Namjoon over to his house.
“Hey, hyung.” Namjoon removed his shoes as he entered.
“Hey. Thanks for coming, Namjoon ah.” Yoongi forced a smile. Honestly, Yoongi didn't know why he called Namjoon over. Maybe he felt that someone being around would take his mind off of you.
He made Namjoon a coffee as well, the both of them chilling in Yoongi’s living room with soft rap music playing in the background.
“I saw her last night... She was at the show I was performing at. It’s been a few years and she still looks the same.” Yoongi said, looking down at the cup in his hands. Namjoon would know what Yoongi is talking about. After all, you became best friends with Namjoon after getting together with Yoongi.
“I see...” Namjoon didn’t really know what to say. Yoongi knew why. It was because Namjoon was still in contact with you. Despite breaking up with Yoongi, you were on good terms with Namjoon.
“I know you’re still talking to her and that you follow her on your other social media account.” Yoongi cleared his throat.
“You’re right. But do you really want to know, hyung?” Namjoon was uncertain.
“After seeing her last night, I just need to know how she is. And what she’s up to now.” Yoongi confessed. Maybe knowing how you were doing would calm him down and he could move on again.
“Fine. Here.” Namjoon handed you his phone with your social media page on it. Yoongi was careful with the scrolling, not wanting to accidentally like a picture.
“She’s working as a vet nurse now. And volunteers at an animal rehabilitation centre...” Namjoon explained as Yoongi came upon a photo of you cuddled with a baby penguin.
“She achieved her dream... She actually did it, huh?” Yoongi didn’t even realise the proud smile he had on his face as he heard Namjoon’s words about you. Just like him, you had achieved your dream. The both of you made it to the future that you wanted for yourselves. While you were working with animals, he was successfully writing music.
“We don’t chat all the time with our busy schedules but she asks about you from time to time. She’s happy that we made it, that you achieved your dream as well. She’s really happy for you, hyung.” Namjoon said softly.
“She asks about me?” Yoongi blinked in confusion. Namjoon nodded his head.
Honestly, Yoongi didn’t know why he didn’t contact you. You didn’t exactly part on bad terms. The both of you grew apart and things just weren’t healthy anymore, there wasn’t any communication.
But as you parted, you told Yoongi that he could always call you and that you would still always be supporting him no matter what.
Yoongi did contemplate calling you. Maybe remaining friends was a possibility but Yoongi couldn’t bring himself to call you. What if you were just saying it to be nice?
Did you want him to call in the first place?
If you really wanted to talk to him again, you would have called him right? Instead of waiting for him to call you.
However, now you were both living in that ideal future that you both dreamt about. The only thing that was missing was your plans of still being together, sharing many new firsts as a couple, maybe even getting married and starting a family of your own at this age.
Your dreams and aspirations of success didn’t seem so far anymore, it didn’t feel like something out of reach or a fantasy anymore. The both of you had been through a lot, as a couple and as individuals.
Maybe now was the time to put that in the past and start anew again.
“Did she... move on?” Yoongi asked. He knew that you were pretty and in the years that he dated you, you had many suitors. It wouldn’t be surprising if you have a new partner.
“She-”
“You know what? I don’t want to know. Don’t tell me. I shouldn’t even be caring about that.” Yoongi cut the younger off with a wave.
After a couple of drinks and some takeout lunch, Namjoon left. He was needed at the studio to go through the new tracks for Taehyung’s solo album. Yoongi laid on his bed. He regretted not letting Namjoon reply whether you were attached now. It was going to eat at him until he knew.
He needed to find a way to speak to you. Turning in his chair, he scratched his head as he faced his computer screen. Would it be weird if he appeared at your work? It definitely would.
“You do it, Holly. You call your mum.” Yoongi put the phone in front of the poodle, who took his toy and turned around, ignoring his dad.
Over the next few days, Yoongi tried to distract himself, going back to the underground performances, producing music for his upcoming solo album and helping the other members with their own music production.
“Good work today.” Yoongi said to Jimin.
“Thanks, hyung.” Jimin grinned with a wave and left the studio. Just as the door closed, Yoongi’s phone beeped on his desk.
‘Coincidentally, hyung. Jungkook took Bam to the vet and guess who’s in the neighbourhood for her rotation. He bumped into her as she was clocking out. - Namjoon’
‘Attachment: 1 image’
Yoongi’s eyes widened at the image from that Jungkook sent to Namjoon and was subsequently sent to him. Jungkook was seen posing with you, hugging Bam. You were smiling happily, dressed casual but stylish, the same style you and Yoongi always had. You were wearing an old shirt, tied to make it more fitting and skinny jeans.
That ‘old shirt’ you wore, Yoongi couldn’t believe that you still kept it, much less wore it out. It was Yoongi’s shirt that you stole from him. There was a lot of significance in it.
Prior to debut, Yoongi couldn’t afford branded clothes. This was the first branded shirt he wore. You had found it and taken ownership of it.
“Jagi, where’s the-” Yoongi stopped at the bedroom door just as you pulled the shirt over your head.
“Where did you find this?” Yoongi came forward, bending down. His fingers grabbed the edge of the sleeve, a soft smile on his face.
“I was looking for my skirt and found it. I’ve never seen you wearing this before and judging by your reaction, you haven’t seen it in a bit? It seems old and faded.” You asked.
“Oh, I didn’t tell you when I got it. But this was the first branded shirt I bought when I saved enough money from producing. I thought I lost it somewhere but I’m glad you found it. I don’t wear it anymore but it’s nice to have as a memory.” Yoongi patted your head.
“I should remove it then.” You moved to pull the shirt over your head but Yoongi stopped you by grabbing your wrists.
“No, aegi. It looks good on you. You should keep it.” He chuckled.
“Really?”
“Of course. You look cute.” Yoongi chuckled. The shirt was so big that you were practically swimming in it. But in Yoongi’s eyes, only you could look so cute in such an old shirt.
“Let me see.” Yoongi pulled you to stand up. The shirt was a dress on you but you made it work, of course. He sat on the bed, wrapping his arms around your waist. You placed your hands on his head as he leaned against your abdomen.
“I didn’t think you would be the sentimental type, Yoon.” You teased with a giggle. This was the man that said he never wants to re-produce the same song, that he has no regrets for any content that he has ever put out and that you should only be looking at the future, never the past. It was surprising that he kept this shirt.
“You’re right, I’m not sure why I kept it too. I guess that’s why I’m not so fussed about you having it.” He looked up at you.
Yoongi smiled fondly at the memory. Thanks to you, he was able to find such joy in even the most mundane moments. You always found a way to brighten up any room that you walked into and make people smile.
Ever since you started dating, he was the silent affectionate kind of guy. You were fine with that, you loved Yoongi for Yoongi. You didn’t want or need him to change.
But with being having silent affection, that also meant Yoongi was used to hiding his emotions instead of sharing and discussing them.
After so many years of your relationship, you felt your relationship growing distant. Even the smallest communication you had was gone and the both of you were growing incessantly frustrated with each other.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were taking Holly with you?” Yoongi asked on the phone, frowning when he came home to find the house dark and empty. There was no sign of you or the brown poodle anywhere. He heard you let out a soft sigh and apology to whoever you were with.
“Hang on. Let me get out of the study hall.” You said to Yoongi. Yoongi waited quietly, the frown still on his face as he tapped his foot against the ground.
“I needed to go for study hall so I brought Holly with me. Don’t worry, he’s fine and well taken care of.” You spoke calmly.
“You still shouldn’t have just taken him without telling me.”
“Yoongi, I honestly didn’t even know if you were coming home tonight. Holly and I haven’t seen you in a week. I took him with me for the night so he wouldn’t be alone.” You finally approached the sensitive topic.
“Why do you have to say it like that? You know I’m busy with this comeback and the extra producing jobs.” Yoongi sighed.
“I know... Yoongi. I understand, you know I do... But try to understand it from my point of view too. How many nights I wait up, not sure if you’re having dinner or even coming home to sleep. You don’t answer your phone, no updates, nothing. When was the last time we even saw each other in the flesh? Much less, talked on the phone like this.” You sighed.
“You know I can take care of myself. It’s not like something is going to happen to me at the studio.”
“Look, I have to go. We’ll talk soon. There’s leftovers in the fridge you can heat up if you’re hungry.” You didn’t want to argue with him, you wanted to leave this call as soon as possible.
“Where are you now? Why are you even staying out the entire night?” Yoongi asked before you had the chance to hang up on him.
“I told you, I have a major presentation to do and an exam to study for. Plus, I’m more productive in school, where my professors and classmates are. I’ll be home tomorrow and I promise we’ll talk then.” You replied.
“I’m coming to get you now.”
“No, Yoongi. Just stay home and sleep, I’ll be home tomorrow morning.” You were just exhausted with this conversation.
After you hung up, Yoongi went to check the calendar on your desk. His eyes widened, the exam you were studying for wasn’t an ordinary exam. It was your vetenarian medicine placement exam, the most important one. Now he felt bad, he didn’t have the guts to face you now.
You had returned home the next morning, even making sure to come home earlier because you felt bad for leaving the conversation with Yoongi. But even at 6am, the house was empty. Holly trotted in and around the apartment.
“Guess he’s busy, huh?” You sighed, scratching Holly’s head.
And this was just the beginning of your fights with Yoongi. All the fights that were left in the air with no chance for you to talk it out with him, plus you saw each other less and less.
In the end, you decided that it wasn’t healthy for you to continue this. You both parted unwillingly and in tears but it was ‘for the best’.
-
You waved to the last patient that walked out before returning back to the nurses’ station. Yawning, you stretched your arms over your head.
“Heading home for the night?”
“I’ll just do one more round before handing over to the night shift. Have a nice night, doctor.” You smiled. The doctor nodded and waved before leaving. Grabbing the clipboard from the box, you went to the cages where the animals that were hospitalised were resting. You did the routine checks on them. Just as you were finished, the team for the night shift came in.
“Good work today!” They smiled as they took over from you.
“Thank you. Have a nice night.” You wished. Going to the locker room, you grabbed your bag. You smiled softly at the small picture of Holly you hung up in your locker.
“Hope you’re doing well.” You chuckled at the photo. Before heading off, you went to the main back area.
“Suga, time to go home.” You reached in to gently lift the sleeping kitten. The white feline opened his eyes, leaning into the warmth of your touch.
“Let’s go home.” You carried him in your arms. This kitten was new, it was a rescue that a good samaritan brought to the clinic. For some reason, his mannerisms just reminded you of your ex boyfriend.
You couldn’t help but be drawn to him that you adopted him, even naming him Suga. He followed you into work because his health still wasn’t 100% and you needed to check on him every now and then. Also, the doctors assisted you in making sure he was checked up on and vaccinated.
“Sleepy boy.” You smiled endearingly. After bidding everyone goodbye, you checked your messages that you received during the day while you couldn’t be on your phone.
‘Hey. I know it’s been a while... How are you?- Yoongi’
You weren’t expecting the sudden message from your ex boyfriend. You hadn’t spoken to him since the break up.
‘Hey, sorry for replying so late. I’m good, Yoongi. What about you? - (y/n)’
‘Glad to hear, Jungkook told me he saw you when he took Bam to the vet. But Bangtan’s taking some time off. We’re doing some solo albums and performances now. - Yoongi’
‘I heard. I’m glad, you all deserve a break. - (y/n)’
‘I actually wanted to ask you... - Yoongi’
‘Ask me? - (y/n)’
‘I’ve been thinking a lot about everything... you, me, whatever happened... You didn’t deserve that, (y/n). We should have communicated and talked things out instead of hiding it. Maybe we will never get back to what we used to be. Even if we have to start all over again, right from the start of everything. I think we can work it out. - Yoongi’
‘You’re right, Yoongi. We were getting frustrated but unable to tell each other. As promising as it sounds, do you think we can really make things work again? - (y/n)’
‘I do. I still love you. - Yoongi’
‘Honestly, I don’t know how I feel. Maybe there’s still love there but there’s still hurt too. - (y/n)’
‘It’s okay. Let’s not get too far and just talk things out, you don’t have to make a decision on anything now. Maybe talking will bring you some clarity on what you feel. Even if at the end, things still aren’t meant to be. At least this will be the closure we need. - Yoongi’
‘Alright. - (y/n)’
‘What are you doing now? - Yoongi’