Work Text:
After everything, there was nothing.
Jiang Cheng was aware that now should have been the conclusion where he reveals that he never hated Wei Wuxian, that he had always wanted him to come back, and that everything would be fine.
He would have his brother back.
But it wasn’t like that, at all.
He knows that Jin Ling needed more family. After Guanyin Temple, he knew that now there was a chance for Jin Ling to have more family, more friends.
But Jiang Cheng returned to Lotus Pier without Wei Wuxian, who had left so easily with Lan Zhan.
He had always left so easily with Lan Zhan.
And maybe that wasn’t fair, or right to think, but Jiang Cheng was tired.
He was tired of this tension that marred his shoulders, that held him together when everything had failed.
After rebuilding Lotus Pier without his family, without his brother, it was anger that had held him together.
When the nights were too quiet, and too long, and he didn’t dare to face his regrets, it was anger that kept him from going too deep into the water. Bravery was never his strengths, he was never known for his courage, not like-
He knew what his disciples must think of him.
Once a year, without fail, he had spent a day and a night in one of the empty rooms in Lotus Pier, untouched but tidied.
It wasn’t until a year after Guanyin Temple that they heard so much as a noise from those rooms.
After the fall of Lotus Pier, Jiang Cheng had done his best to ready his siblings’ rooms for their return. Had tried to salvage as much as he could, tidy as much as he did when soldiers had torn through their childhoods.
Neither rooms were ever used again.
Except today was Wei Wuxian’s birthday, and his wedding had been formally announced, but there was a lack of invitation in his letter.
Jiang Cheng knew that he had no right to attend Wei Wuxian’s wedding- he was no longer a part of the Jiang Sect, he was no longer Jiang Cheng’s to give away.
Had he ever been?
It was easy to cling to the anger, that fiery feeling in his gut, it was easier than to admit that he was hurt .
Since Wen Ning had revealed to him the truth about Suibian , there was this feeling, permanently in the back of his body, crawling up his body.
He wasn’t sure what this feeling was, maybe it was disgust, maybe it was relief. After all, Wei Wuxian had given him his golden core, that stood for love and protection, didn’t it?
He didn’t dare to tell neither Wei Wuxian nor Wen Ning the reason for why he had no golden core anymore.
Maybe if he had pulled himself together more after the fall of Lotus Pier, after Wen Zhuliu, things would be different now. Wei Wuxian could have kept his golden core, and would never have gone into demonic cultivation-
But it was the present now, and the past could only laugh at him.
There it was.
The tingling on his lower back, the tension that settled in his jaw that made his teeth ache.
He had blamed Wei Wuxian for sixteen years for that tension, silently, had shunned anyone who had mentioned his name.
If only A-jie could see him now.
Shaking, Jiang Cheng bent low on his knees, his hands on the floor. He was sat inside Wei Wuxian’s room, not looking up, never looking up.
It was a wonder he had even heard of Wei Wuxian’s wedding. Jiang Cheng had made no effort to be in contact with him.
Was it an olive branch? Was it purely for politics?
Jiang Cheng couldn’t trust his judgement like this.
Sighing, he sat up, closing his eyes.
###
Jiang Cheng stood at the end of Lotus Pier, on the deck, and looked out over the river. Nearly two decades ago, he had stood on this exact spot, but he hadn’t been alone then. Never alone, always with his brother and sister.
Now he was alone, always alone.
Jin Ling, the only family he had left, now a sect leader in his own right, always in Lanling. He tried to visit as often as he could, with his own sect to run.
It was easy to ignore the quiet of Lotus Pier when he had a toddler to raise, when he had Jin Ling for the summer, showing him the festivals of their sect, the holidays to celebrate, when Jin Ling’s eyes looked too familiar.
‘If only you had stood by your brother.’ He heard Jin Guangyao’s voice often.
Jiang Cheng often wished to carve out his thoughts from his mind, but had never found a sufficient technique.
He had never thought it was possible to feel so much, to bury a feeling so much, that you never feel it again.
Oftentimes, now, he only felt a few things.
Hunger.
Guilt.
Anger.
Shame.
Fatigue.
But even then, he could go nights without sleeping. When the thoughts kept him awake, there was little he could do to ignore them.
It was easier clinging to anger, than it was letting himself feel it.
He knew he was considered young. For a sect leader, in the history of his sect, especially.
Then why did it feel like he was old?
Why did it feel like he had enough memories for three lifetimes?
Why did it feel like he was ready to let go?
###
Naming his heir was not difficult.
The Head Disciple of the Sect, after all, was a very capable cultivator named Hao Jun, who he had relied on many, many times over the years, when Sect Leaders tested his patience.
She was young, yes, but she knew what it meant to attempt the impossible.
She knew it better than him.
It seemed that it was still something he would never understand, like his father had said all those years ago.
Years where it was clear that everyone understood it better than him.
If he could help others in the sect understand it better than him, then he had done his job, had carried on the legacy of his parents, and his sister.
He fulfilled his duty as sect leader, and as uncle.
He pretended he didn’t notice the concerned looks from his disciples, didn’t pretend to notice how they seemed to become more constant, each look lasting longer than the last.
He was tired.
###
“Jiujiu.” Jin Ling had said. “Wei Wuxian-” He sighed, grimacing when he saw the sour look on his uncle’s face. “I want you two to meet.”
Jiang Cheng’s instinct was to scowl, and yell.
Yelling was easy, was familiar, it was something that had been constant from his mother, her painful yelling. He didn’t like to think of his parents often, but when he did, he couldn’t help but wonder if she had yelled less, had alienated Wei Wuxian less, would he have been braver, and stood by his brother?
“Jiujiu, are you listening?” Jin Ling nudged him, hand on his shoulder.
Jiang Cheng swallowed down the bile that formed in the back of his throat. “Yeah, I heard you, A-Ling.” He sighed, ignoring the emptiness inside of him where his anger used to be.
Shame, really. Wei Wuxian had sacrificed so much for him, had given him so much, and Jiang Cheng still hadn’t thanked him.
He didn’t like to lie, and thanking Wei Wuxian for his sacrifice felt too much like lying.
“He is really happy with Lan Zhan. In Gusu.” Jin Ling spoke carefully.
This is your fault, A-Cheng. He heard A-Jie scold him.
Jiang Cheng hummed. Not in agreement, not a scoff.
He was sure Wei Wuxian found his happiness, in Gusu, never Yunmeng. Never Lotus Pier.
“What of it?” Jiang Cheng prompted.
“He could be happy here.” Jin Ling said, and he sounded so much his age.
“In Lanling? Fine, invite him over then.” Jiang Cheng huffed. He didn’t like where this conversation was turning.
“Would you stay, and meet him with me?” Jin Ling continued on.
“You don’t need me there. If you want him as your uncle, claim him, and let him know you want him to be your Uncle. Idiot always took things the wrong way.” Jiang Cheng, and he couldn’t help the bitterness and disappointment well up in him.
If he sounded bitter, then fine.
Maybe he was still bitter.
Wei Wuxian was supposed to be his brother but he had left.
He had left Jiang Cheng to re-build their home alone.
Selfish, he knew it was selfish. Wei Wuxian had given so much to this world, and now he had his home.
Jiang Cheng was still alone.
Jin Ling pressed his lips together but didn’t push. Jiang Cheng breathed a sigh of relief.
###
Staring at the blank page in front of him, he failed to have any thoughts.
It felt more like a jumble of noise, scratching in his mind to get out.
He ended up writing a lot, too much, and crumbled the pages and pages, burning them so no one could ever read them.
Not a fan of ‘should’, but he knew he should be crying.
Writing about A-Jie, about their parents, addressed to Wei Wuxian, this was a time to be emotional.
Yet he felt nothing.
Not even anger, that had been so steadfast for sixteen years.
There was nothing inside him, and it worried him.
Was there something wrong with him?
Pushing the papers away, he prepared himself for the meetings of his day.
While he had heard that Lan Xichen had left seclusion to be there for his brother’s Wedding, he also heard that he went back into seclusion after.
Jiang Cheng wished he could do that.
He wished for a lot of things, however, and none of them had ever come true.
He had wished for his dogs back.
He had wished for his brother back.
No.
There was one wish that had been granted, in the worst way possible.
He had gotten a golden core.
###
On his way to one of the outer villages in Yunmeng, he had finally met two people he hadn’t thought he’d meet, well, ever again.
Wen Ning had looked at him with unsure eyes, seeing him advance on the road.
Jiang Cheng also travelled alone, used to the silence, after all.
Lan Sizhui, on the other hand, had met him with a neutral smile.
“Clan Leader Jiang.” He had bowed appropriately.
Oh yes, this was Lan Zhan’s son.
Speechless, Jiang Cheng felt nothing.
“What brings you to the outer border?” Lan Sizhui asked politely. He didn’t mean it.
“I could ask you the same.” Jiang Cheng finally settled on. “I am-” he waved his hand towards the crops, “checking in on my people. Why aren’t you at Cloud Recessess, if I may ask?”
Lan Sizhui smiled a bit more tightly. “We are on our way, visiting Sect Leader Jin.” He looked a bit nervously towards Wen Ning, back to Jiang Cheng.
Ah, they were waiting for him to explode with anger. To yell, to forbid them from seeing his nephew.
“Does he know who he’s expecting?” Jiang Cheng said simply.
“Yes.” Wen Ning finally spoke, standing a bit more proudly now.
Ah.
“Have a safe journey, then.” Jiang Cheng said, barely loud enough for them to hear him. His head started pounding, incoherent thoughts racing after one another, and he hurried his steps, off towards the inn where he was guided to stay in one of the rooms.
Once alone, he splashed his face with cold water from a basin, ignoring the sudden feeling of fear that’s threatening to swallow him up.
Wen.
The Name was so complicated, with devastation wrought in its name, and yet he was saved by two Wens, owed them more than he had ever owed anyone- perhaps except for one.
Lotus Pier, burning, and his mother, dead in front of him.
Wen Zhuliu’s face flashed dangerously in his mind, and he lost the feeling in his legs, sliding to the floor, his hands shaking in his lap.
He could still feel, deep inside his chest, the cold that had followed when he crushed his golden core.
The sudden warmth that had flooded his system after Wei Wuxian-
His brother.
Who still had no idea what Jiang Cheng had done to save him, to sacrifice himself so Wei Wuxian could live.
So Jiang Yanli could live.
He was supposed to live, supposed to live, with A-jie and now-
Shaking still, the last thing he remembered was seeing his robes, wet from his hands in his lap, and it was like his mind stopped.
Moving, he felt his body shift, he heard his breath coming in short instances, and he thought faintly how it had been years since his mind disappeared briefly.
He wasn’t sure how much time had passed till he found himself again, the feeling of awareness shoved back into his body, and he shook again, the very core of his being shaking.
He rarely saw Wen Zhuliu’s face anymore, only at night, deep in his nightmares, hovering above his parents’ corpses, his hand tugged into Jiang Cheng’s chest.
Wen Chao, even rarer.
The smile he wore when he saw Wen Zhuliu’s hands disappear into Jiang Cheng’s chest.
He had never felt so violated before.
The feeling of violation had only returned after Wen Ning had told him whose golden core now resided inside him.
He thought he had made his own choices, had been given a gift from the Gods themselves, but it was his brother who had sacrificed himself again.
Had it really been worth it?
Jiang Cheng shook his head, and he hated how he felt his sacrifice had been defeated- by Wei Wuxian’s.
That’s not how the world saw it, that’s not how he was supposed to see it.
Taking off his outer robes, he folded them neatly, putting them on the stand next to the bed.
It would be another night of sleepless thoughts.
###
Jiang Cheng watched from far away.
A night hunt, of Jin Ling, Lan Sizhui, Lan Jingyi, and Wei Wuxian headed out into the forest.
They hadn’t seen him, hadn’t told him.
Why would they?
Jin Ling didn’t owe him anything.
He should bond more with his family.
Wei Wuxian had never ceased to be family. Had never stopped being his brother.
And wasn’t that the sick twist of it all?
Through all the names Wei Wuxian carried, he had always been his brother.
Did he know that?
Jiang Cheng clenched his fists together, so hard, that if only he had them tight enough, he could get rid of the ugly ache inside his heart.
And no matter how much Jiang Cheng loved his nephew, he could never offer him something like that.
Going on a night hunt with his new Lan friends, and his new Uncle, and be fun.
Jiang Cheng sucked at being fun.
It had never stopped grating him how much he missed having Wei Wuxian and A-jie while raising A-Ling.
They should have been there.
But now Jiang Cheng was alone.
He turned around, ready to head back to Lotus Pier without announcing he had visited when he spotted perhaps the last person he wanted to run into.
Hanguang Jun.
And Hanguang Jun spotted him.
“Great.” He mumbled, and sighed.
“Jiang Wanyin.” Hanguang Jun did not look happy to see him. He didn’t blame him. “What a surprise to see you.”
Jiang Cheng huffed, “Is it? Well, Hello, to you, as well. I was just leaving.” He huffed.
“You should say something. To Wei Ying.” Hanguang Jun’s face softened, speaking of his husband.
Jiang Cheng looked at Hanguang Jun with narrowed eyes. “You hate me.” He spoke freely. He felt this was a fair assessment. “Why would you want me near your husband ?” He raised his eyebrows.
“I don’t hate you.” Hanguang Jun said, then eased his shoulders slightly back. “Wei Ying misses his brother.” He said.
This took Jiang Cheng by surprise.
Had he miscalculated?
He frowned, suspicious, and rubbed his finger against Zidian, looking away. He didn’t know how to react, let alone what to say out loud to someone like Hanguang Jun.
He missed his brother, too.
But it couldn’t be this simple, it couldn’t be this easy.
It couldn’t be like this, where Hanguang Jun tells him that Wei Wuxian misses him, but does nothing to reach out. Never wrote to him, but to everyone but him. It can’t be like this, that couldn’t be the truth.
He was aware that the seconds were ticking by and he had not responded to him.
Tension rose in his shoulders, and he looked back at Hanguang Jun, motionless and patient as ever.
It pissed him off.
“He misses his brother?” Jiang Cheng frowned, “I don’t believe that.” Taking a risk, he continued. “If he misses his brother, why have I not heard from him in all this time? Where was my invitation to your wedding? Why did I hear from the Gusu Clan only when it comes to politics? If Wei Wuxian misses me, Jiang Cheng, why-” He was interrupted by Hanguang Jun’s simple,
“He is respecting your boundary.”
Jiang Cheng let out a shaky breath, “What boundary? When did I tell him to never contact me? No, if Wei Wuxian misses his brother, he can show his damn face in his home -” He spoke too freely, regretting the words as soon as they left.
Taking a step back, he ran his hands down his robes, ignoring the shake of his hands.
“Tell Wei Wuxian that my boundary has been set, then. Lotus Pier is open to visitors from any and all clans, and-” too informal. “A-and that Wei Wuxian’s room awaits him. Should he wish to visit.”
It can’t be this easy. It cannot.
Too many years he spent hanging onto this hurt, for a sentence like ‘He misses his brother’ to be the salvation he seeked?
No.
It can’t.
Lan Wangji spent several minutes staring at him, and Jiang Cheng spent just as many minutes staring back at him.
“I will tell him.”
“Good.” Jiang Cheng huffed, clinging to the easy anger. It hurt less.
###
Jiang Cheng was no stranger to the burning loneliness that life could force on you.
That he forced on himself.
He couldn’t even remember the reasons, really, except that they were important, and right.
Even if they weren’t really, it was what made the stretch of days go by easier.
It made the discomfort easier to swallow on days when the self-loathing would not go away, when the voice deep inside his mind that sounded like A-Jie wouldn’t stop blaming him, when it physically hurt, standing on the docks all alone, watching and greeting Guests into Lotus Pier.
Lotus Pier, which he re-built, with his sister by his side, who was not there to see her greet a delegation from the Gusu Clan.
When he greeted Wei Wuxian, and his husband, Lan Zhan.
She would smile at that, at her brother’s husband.
Unlike Jiang Cheng, who could only watch with a press of his lips as the two walked into Lotus Pier, with their son Lan Sizhui, and, from what Jiang Cheng understood, his cousin , Wen Ning.
It was only with a push from Jin Ling that Jiang Cheng had allowed Wen Ning to come along.
“It wasn’t him, Jiujiu. It’s not fair, and Lan Sizhui isn’t done discovering who he really is!” was what Jin Ling had said.
From how much his nephew spoke of this Lan Sizhui it was easy to guess why Jin Ling cared so much.
He was finding love and friendship, and it wasn’t due to anything Jiang Cheng did.
Silent, he led the delegation through the re-built Lotus Pier, noticing that this was the first time that Wei Wuxian had seen his, well, not home, but childhood home since it had been burnt and fallen.
He could hear the excitement in Wei Wuxian’s voice, it was obvious, and perhaps, even deliberate.
Jiang Cheng knew that people did not think of him as intelligent, but that didn’t stop his pride from growing when he had spotted the subtleties in Wei Wuxian’s behaviour.
He covered his emotions as easily as breathing, with smiles, and soft spoken words. With a shy smile, and a wave of his hands.
Had Lan Zhan seen through him yet?
Jiang Cheng did not turn around until they reached the entrance, and he finally spoke.
He had a speech prepared. Something about the importance of hosting guests, and how the Clan looks forward to the renewed relationship between the two sects. Distant and cold.
But seeing the soft happiness and hesitance on Wei Wuxian’s face, he paused.
Instead, he said:
“I prepared your room for you.” He looked straight at Wei Wuxian, and hoped that he would understand what Jiang Cheng meant. But things weren’t ever as easy with Wei Wuxian as Jiang Cheng hoped for, so he continued. “You and Lan Zhan can stay there, of course. The Guest rooms have been prepared for the others. Before you go to your room, however, I think you should pay your respects to the family shrine.”
Wei Wuxian looked at him, with what seemed to be renewed eyes.
“Thank you.” He smiled, a small one, and led the little group to the family shrine.
Jiang Cheng did not go with them.
He was trying his best, but that was too much too soon.
Instead, he headed to his room, feeling a new type of tired, the type that he felt in his bones.
###
Jin Ling would arrive the next day.
He had thought it best, that when meeting so many people with such a complicated relationship that he has someone ‘on his side.’
Jiang Cheng had rolled his eyes, but had deeply appreciated the gesture.
Especially right now, as he was watching dinner unfold, he really appreciated that Jin Ling would arrive so soon.
Wei Wuxian, for all of his faults, had never had a problem with entertaining guests. Not only guests, but especially friends.
Jiang Cheng wasn’t even so sure how he was supposed to react.
The conversation flowed freely, if freely could describe that Wei Wuxian was telling them all a story of the past, with mainly Lan Sizhui commenting in between. Lan Zhan and Wen Ning sat quietly, observing.
Anger is what they were looking for. With Wen Ning looking at him nervously every other second or so, trying to gauge how Jiang Cheng would respond to such a story. A sentimental story.
Lan Zhan, on the other hand, did not hide the warning in his eyes, that if Jiang Cheng dared to say the wrong word, he would not hesitate to take Wei Wuxian and leave.
It was presumptuous, and right, and Jiang Cheng hated that Lan Zhan felt he needed to protect Wei Wuxian from him. But it was right, and Jiang Cheng hated it.
He was sure he would feel anger, too, with how Wei Wuxian would throw in a ‘Right, Jiang Cheng? Do you remember that?’ but all he felt was cold.
Maybe this had been a mistake, after all.
If Wei Wuxian had realized that Jiang Cheng had kept his room tidy for nearly two decades now, and how there were no dogs in Lotus Pier, then he did not show it.
It felt almost as if he, himself, wasn’t even there. Like this could all fade away in an instant, and he would wake up, and not remember such a vivid dream.
This was how the first two days passed. Even after Jin Ling arrived, it still felt like a dream.
Seeing his nephew in action did not move him, either, with how freely he looked at Lan Sizhui, curious, and admiring, nor did it move him with how easily Jin Ling handled Wei Wuxian or Wen Ning.
Wen Ning, above all.
Was it wrong of Jiang Cheng to expect for everything to go wrong?
For there to be a flute, in the distance, playing, and for the world to end again?
He couldn’t help the tingling tension in his lower back, and the vacant stare he had.
“Jiujiu?
Ah, Jin Ling had been talking to him.
“Sorry, A-Ling. What is it?” Jiang Cheng sat back up, the two were sitting in front of Jin Ling’s room ( A-Jie’s room) with their feet in the water.
“I said I know it must be weird to have them all here, but I can tell they really appreciate it.” Jin Ling smiled. He did that more now, these days. He knew that becoming a Sect Leader this young was extremely difficult, but it was amazing how much his nephew had changed within the year.
It wasn’t due to his amazing parenting, he knew that.
“Mhm.” Jiang Cheng hummed, not in agreement, but not against him.
“Are you-” Jin Ling hesitated here, “okay, jiujiu?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Jiang Cheng forced a non-committal tone.
“It’s just, it’s been a while since you’ve yelled.” Jin Ling said quietly.
“Maybe my voice is tired, A-Ling.” He said quickly, sighing.
“But, if something was wrong, you’d tell me, right?” Jin Ling scooted closer to his Uncle, staring at him.
“Of course I would.” Jiang Cheng lied.
When had lying gotten so easy?
Too easy.
###
It was later that night where things came to a head.
Jiang Cheng had gotten ready for bed, cutting dinner short, when three knocks came from the door.
He walked to the door and opened it, and looked right into the face of Wei Wuxian.
Great.
He raised his eyebrows, in a silent question.
“Ah, Jiang Cheng, I just wanted to thank you.” Wei Wuxian seemed nervous, putting his hands behind his back, and smiling shyly.
Jiang Cheng frowned, “For what?”
“Oh, you know, for inviting me, and hosting everyone.” Wei Wuxian smiled, a true smile, and Jiang Cheng felt the tension ease in the pit of his stomach.
“You're welcome.”
“I also realized that we hadn’t had the chance to talk. Just us two, without everyone.” Wei Wuxian looked a bit more serious now.
“Was there something for us to talk about?” Jiang Cheng said. The words came out too bitter, too harsh.
“I think there is.”
“Right.” Jiang Cheng said. His first instinct was to huff, and say something like, well if Wei Wuxian thinks there is something to talk about, then it doesn’t matter what Jiang Cheng wants.
Instead, he turned around and left the door open for Wei Wuxian to come inside.
“I know it must be weird for you to have Wen Ning stay here, but I really appreciate it. Him and A-Yuan have so much to talk about.” Wei Wuxian said hesitantly, following Jiang Cheng in.
“Mhm.” Jiang Cheng said simply, sitting down at the small table in his room. “Do you want something to drink?”
“No, no, that’s alright.” Wei Wuxian sat down opposite him.
The two stared at each other.
“Ay, Jiang Cheng, you’re not making it easy.” Wei Wuxian looked away first.
Jiang Cheng didn’t say anything. There was too much to say, and he wasn’t sure he could say any of them without crying.
You left me.
Why did you give me your core?
You left me.
Do you like Lotus Pier now?
You left me.
I did it all without you. I had to!
You left me.
Jin Ling prefers you already, I can tell.
You left me.
Why does everyone love you more than me?
You left me.
How is it that easy for you?
“Jin Ling said that there was something for us to talk about.” Wei Wuxian finally said.
“A-Ling is very smart, you know. He’s very observant, too.” Jiang Cheng replied, looking away now, too.
“You have to tell me what it is. I won’t be able to guess.” Wei Wuxian leant back in his chair, the smile on his face gone.
Jiang Cheng sighed, his hands neatly folded together. He had no intention of telling Wei Wuxian, but Jin Ling, it seemed, wanted to force his hand.
“I don’t know whether you’ll remember this.” Jiang Cheng started. He did not look at his brother. “You must remember this. You had gone out to buy medicine for A-jie.”
A gasp.
“I heard you, even though I didn’t move. I couldn’t move. I was too-” shocked? Heartbroken? “Whatever. Something told me to follow you. To protect you. It was after you had bought medicine, you were buying food. Wen Soldiers saw you, and they circled around you.”
Silence.
“Mother had been so harsh on you, she always had. You were so weak from her whip, it was like you could barely walk, even. But you did, you carried on for us. But I knew that if they caught you, you wouldn’t leave their clutches alive.”
Jiang Cheng looked at Wei Wuxian, sighing. Wei Wuxian did not betray any emotion.
“There wasn’t much I had done to protect Lotus Pier from the Wen. There wasn’t much I had done to protect my parents.” Jiang Cheng sighed, and closed his eyes. He still remembered the deep feeling of panic, and the cold resolution that had taken a hold of him.
“I called out.”
“Jiang Cheng.” Wei Wuxian sounded choked, but Jiang Cheng did not look at him.
“I knew that they would be cruel, and merciless. I couldn’t put that on you.”
“You were so angry at me.” Wei Wuxian gave off of a choked sound.
“I was. I was angry at you.” Jiang Cheng sighed again, then looked up. “But you are my brother. You never let it show, but you give up so much for us. You gave up so much for us. I wanted- needed- to protect you, too. To give this to you.” He felt strangely empty.
“I let them capture me. And they melted my core.”
Wei Wuxian snapped up at him, hot fury in his eyes. “You let them capture you?!”
“Of course I did!” Jiang Cheng hissed. “Only to find out you gave me your core!”
“You needed it more than I did!”
“I never wanted your core! If I knew what you would do, I would never have gone up that damned mountain!”
Wei Wuxian pressed his lips together, his fists clenched on the table. “I’m not going to apologize for giving you my golden core. I don’t regret it, and I would do it again.”
That did it.
“Just listen to yourself! Wei Wuxian, the great self-sacrificing idiot! It does not matter what others do for you, it only matters what you do! I sacrificed myself so you could take care of A-jie!”
“Jiang Cheng, that’s not-”
“Quiet!” Jiang Cheng yelled, “Just let me talk!” He hissed. “The Great Wei Wuxian, with his selflessness.” The anger settled in his stomach, and it was like he had breathed in life again. “A-Jie needed you. I-I have never been good with words. I am too much my mother’s son. I paid for that, that doesn’t matter to me. But you- I could save you, and then I would have done my father proud. Mother wanted you to protect me, but it was my duty, it was what I needed to do!” Jiang Cheng cried out, pointing to himself.
Rest assured, his throat felt thick with want and need, and tears filled up his eyes.
“You were always everyone’s first choice. So talented, with no effort. But this one thing I could do, this one thing I could give to you.” He hissed, and let out a choked sigh. “And you threw it away like it was nothing!”
Wei Wuxian looked at him for a while, his eyebrow twitching. It only ever did that, when he was too angry for words.
“I didn’t throw it away! I gave my golden core to you so you could be the Leader I always knew you could be!”
“Oh, and I couldn’t do it without a golden core, could I? I needed your great strength, your power! Do you know what it feels like to always play catch-up? To find out that what you thought made you special, wasn’t even yours to begin with? That the one thing I thought I did right, was made null and void!” Jiang Cheng yelled angrily, and slammed his hands on the table. “I am supposed to be eternally grateful to you, that’s what they all think.” Jiang Cheng laughed bitterly, “But the only thing I felt was violated . Do you think this is what I wanted?”
“You always wanted to be at the top.” Wei Wuxian said quietly. “That’s what you said once you realized you didn’t have a core. You were crying, sobbing!” His voice rose in anger. “What was I supposed to do? I could never leave you like that, I always wanted you to have everything you needed!”
“I needed you!” Jiang Cheng stood up angrily, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. It was getting harder to speak. “I needed you- and you weren’t there! You always chose someone else! I rebuilt Lotus Pier, alone, without my shidi! We were supposed to be the Twin Prides of Yunmeng!”
He knew if they continued like this, that Lan Zhan would whisk Wei Wuxian away with a silent glare thrown at Jiang Cheng.
But Jiang Cheng needed to get this out before he could stop.
“That was what I needed! Don’t you dare tell me what I needed, and what you gave me! I needed my brother!” He sobbed, “I needed my family! And where were you? Always lying, always keeping secrets! Now that you’re back, this is the first time you even visited! I am always an afterthought, I am never enough for you!”
Fuck.
“Why was I never enough?”
He had backed away from Wei Wuxian while he was screaming, and now, with his back pressed to the wall, he slid down, letting out what felt like thirty years’ worth of emotions. He had gone too far, bared his soul too much, and he could only see through blurry eyes as his brother came closer.
“Oh, Jiang Cheng.” Wei Wuxian reached out to him, his warm hands cupping his face. There was no pity in his voice, not like Jiang Cheng had feared, only concern.
“I am so sorry. I never knew that’s how you felt.” He whispered, nudging Jiang Cheng’s legs down, and took his younger brother into his arms.
“Why would you?” Jiang Cheng hissed, grabbing onto Wei Wuxian’s dark robes. “I-I never said a word. And I wouldn’t have, until A-Ling said anything.”
“Jiang Cheng.” Wei Wuxian said again, a hand coming up to his face. “Look at me.”
He shook his head. It was tough enough speaking those words out loud, but now to look into the face of his consequence?
Jiang Cheng never did know what it meant to attempt the impossible.
“Didi.” Wei Wuxian whispered, and Jiang Cheng caved, looking up into his brother’s face. “I’m here now.” With those three words, Jiang Cheng knew what Wei Wuxian meant.
I’m sorry for leaving.
I’m sorry I left you.
I’m sorry I wasn’t here.
I'm not sorry for giving you my golden core.
He was here now.
###
All he has left in the end is Jin Ling, and no longer, as much, because now he is the sect leader of the Jin Sect. He has grown into a fine young man, and Jiang Cheng wanted to believe that it was partially due to him. But he was probably giving himself too much credit. He tried, he had tried, so hard.
He was just too much like his mother.
His anger burnt easily, too easily, and his feelings never made it out of his chest, only ever in the form of shouted words.
Words spoken ominously, vaguely, and with heat that only came from when you couldn’t control your feelings anymore at all so all you could do is be overwhelmed.
Jiang Cheng was fortunate enough that Jin Ling knew this.
He never knew how, but Jin Ling knew that his anger was born out of love, that his shouted words were from concern and an inability to ever admit things the way it seemed so easy for everyone else.
He had overheard these conversations between other people.
Words to describe their feelings, spoken aloud.
Even Wei Wuxian and Lan Zhan, after everything, had their own language. The looks between them were unspoken words.
After all these years, he finally overheard them speaking loving words to each other.
Jiang Cheng burned with shame, and jealousy.
At least he could name these emotions, finally, and somewhat admit them to himself.
He would never let anyone else know about the ugly heat that curled in his chest when he heard Wei Wuxian declare his love for Lan Zhan. Describe, in detail, how the other made him feel.
More recently, on one of the many supervised trips of Wei Wuxian to Lotus Pier, Wei Wuxian had tried taking that tone with Jiang Cheng.
“Didi, I can’t even begin to describe how happy I am to be here with you.” Wei Wuxian said, when it was just them two.
After everything, Wei Wuxian still loved him.
“Then don’t.” Jiang Cheng said, too rough, too sharp.
It always went like this, and this time Wei Wuxian looked at him with a sullen look.
Not disappointment, quite.
Something else.
“Jiang Cheng.” Wei Wuxian said, “Tell me what you feel.”
Jiang Cheng looked up at him with an incredulous look.
“What? Why-” He started, he could feel a rant build up in his chest, the way anger tended to build up when he couldn’t explain why he felt this way.
“Please.” Wei Wuxian pleaded, not with his words, but with his eyes.
“I hate how easy it is for you.” Jiang Cheng spat out, his throat aching with the intensity of emotions.
“What’s easy for me?” Wei Wuxian asked patiently.
Jiang Cheng tried to take a deep breath. They were sitting on the edge of the pier. A spot just them two had, decades ago, and now.
“I-” Jiang Cheng started again, but it was difficult to speak. Why couldn’t he say it?
Wei Wuxian did not rush him.
“A-Jie was always so good with her words.” Jiang Cheng closed his eyes, but this was how he could start. “Even now, with all that we’ve been through, I don’t understand. I can’t understand. You are so much like her.”
He took another deep breath, trying to ignore the ache in his throat.
“Jin Ling is like her. He understands, somehow, everything from my yelling. I never understood what Mother wanted, and she never spoke what she meant. She would yell, and shout, and I am just like that.” Jiang Cheng whispered, choked up.
“You say, all these words.” Jiang Cheng continued, “Some days I don’t feel it. Now it’s too much. I wish-” His words died in his throat. Wei Wuxian had reached out, and put his hand on his younger brother’s shoulder. “You know what I mean. When I yell, and I push. You have to know what I mean, because I cannot tell you.”
Jiang Cheng grabbed at Wei Wuxian’s arms, vision blurred, yes, but he looked at his brother the most direct he’s been in a while.
“I know. Of course, I know.” Wei Wuxian sounded choked up too, and leant their foreheads together. “Didi, I’ve not always known. But I do now.”
“It hurts.” Jiang Cheng breathed, “It hurts so much.”
Wei Wuxian cradled his younger brother’s face in his hands, wiping away his tears, again, like he had all those months ago in the temple.
“My poor Didi.” Wei Wuxian whispered, with no teasing in his voice. He was completely serious, for once.
“Why can’t I just fucking tell you what I think?” Jiang Cheng fell into his brother’s arms, turning his face away in shame. “Am I doing it right?”
“It will be okay, A-Cheng.” Wei Wuxian whispered, and cradled his younger brother in his arms. This felt an awful lot like healing, though it ached.
To have Wei Wuxian hold him, when there was no A-jie left, and none of their parents, it felt like the past was being mended slowly by these two men holding each other.
“A-Jie would be so proud of you.” Wei Wuxian whispered.
“She would be, of you, too.” Jiang Cheng whimpered, “With your stupid bravery and never caring about the consequences when it comes to yourself.” He growled, anger laced into his words, and he grabbed at Wei Wuxian’s black robes.
“Aya, A-Cheng. Don’t ruin this beautiful moment.” Wei Wuxian said, the lilting tone of joking back in his voice.
Jiang Cheng pulled away, pouting, but didn’t let go of his brother.
“I’m glad A-Ling invited me to Lotus Pier. I would never have known that my dear Didi would still care so much, for me.” Wei Wuxian said, putting his hands over Jiang Cheng’s.
“You always did care too much.” Wei Wuxian said, almost wistfully, and nudged Jiang Cheng to let go.
“Let’s go back. All this talking has made me exhausted.” Wei Wuxian stood up slowly, and extended his hand towards Jiang Cheng.
Jiang Cheng took his hand and the two headed back, the Twin Prides of Yunmeng.
Not reunited, not quite, but together again.