Archive of Our Own ^beta

sunoo hasn’t seen niki in months, nor have they spoken.

ever since he went back to japan it’s been complete silence from the both of them. their relationship had been strained right before niki had started packing to go back.

a fight that ended in tears and harsh words that sunoo didn’t mean and he hopes niki didn’t mean either.

sunoo yearns to hear niki’s voice again, to hold niki like there’s no tomorrow, but sunoo has no idea when niki will return, no idea if he will even return to korea, to enhypen, to him. he doesn’t even have a clue if niki will call him again.

the shrill sound of his phone breaks sunoo out of his daze. he looks at who’s calling, it can’t be the rest of the members, they’re home, they don’t have schedules right now.

it’s him.

“hyung,” is the first thing niki says when sunoo answers the phone, “i’m sorry.”

sunoo can do nothing but sigh. he’s no prepared for this, he has no idea what he should even say to niki. it’s been too long.

“i…” his words get caught in his throat, there’s a lump beginning to form.

“hyung, i understand if you don’t want to see me, don’t want to hear me, but the weight of everything i have said and everything i haven’t said is beginning to weigh me down, i need to get it out. hyung… will you listen?”

sunoo swallows down the lump as best as he can.

“yes, i will.” it comes out as barely a whisper, but sunoo can hear the quiet sigh of relief coming from niki, so he knows he heard.

“what i meant… before i left for japan, it’s not true. i don’t even know why i said it,” niki then lets out a quiet laugh of disbelief, “i guess it was too much. all the hyungs… they didn’t want me to leave, but i needed this break, i needed to see my family again before i broke down for good. you guys didn’t seem to understand the true effects of having to leave your family and not see them for three years.”

it’s quiet for a few seconds, like niki wants sunoo to reply to him, but he has nothing to say. there’s nothing he can say that will quell the tension between them.

so, niki continues, “i didn’t mean to stay for as long as i did, six months is a long time. in that time, i didn’t contact anyone, none of the other hyungs; it felt like such a burden to actually explain myself, even though i know now that i should have. you guys would have understood, but i left and didn’t contact anyone for six months.

“the others tried to contact me. you were the only one who didn’t, and i know it’s because of the fight we had before i left. if i’m being honest, if it was you who had messaged me, i would have answered, i would have been back by now. i don’t want to put the blame on you though hyung. you must have felt like shit after what happened and i did too. i mean, it took me months to gain enough courage to call you.

“what i said when i left, i don’t hate you, it honestly couldn’t be more far from the truth. i… you can probably tell what i want to say, but i don’t know if over the phone is a very good idea, i don’t know if it’ll make you hate me more, and i can’t bear to know that you hate me.”

“i don’t hate you,” sunoo finally speaks, “i don’t care if it’s over the phone, niki. all i care about is the fact that i can hear you say it. i had a lot of regrets about what i said to you that day you left. it’s the entire reason i never contacted you. i felt regretful that i could even say those words to begin with. six months is a long time to go without talking to someone, and i think the longer it went the harder it got to build up courage to contact you.

“it took me weeks to realise that i don’t need to blame myself for your disappearance, that you probably needed this, for your own sake, for your own mental health. i just hope, truly hope that you will come back to enhypen, come back to me.”

there’s another silence in between them, one that drags on for minutes. the only sound is the sound of their ragged breathing, words still left unsaid in the air.

“i’ll come back,” niki eventually breaks the silence between then, “i will come back to enhypen, but i still need time. i don’t think i’ve truly healed from what i needed to be healed, but i promise, i won’t give up on enhypen, on you, on us.”

another long silence sits between them, three words needed to be said.

“hyung… sunoo-hyung, i love you.”

niki ends the call before sunoo can reply, his own i love you stays hanging off the end of his tongue.

now sunoo has to go back to yearning for what he lost months ago. these few minutes of talking to niki wasn’t enough to heal his soul broken by what they could have had months ago, but is now nothing but a dream.

if he’s already lasted this long what’s another few months? sunoo wants to laugh. to save him from heartbreak he hopes his feelings for niki dissipates before he gets back. he doesn’t want to keep waiting.

his heart won’t let him though. his heart belongs to niki. always had, and it always will, no matter how long niki stays away, because sunoo’s heart is attached to niki in a way he’s never felt before.

sunoo can only laugh, “how pitiful.”