Archive of Our Own

White.

Pain.

Death.

In the history of his career, SU has always seen white. Always seeing pain. And always seeing... death.

The Surgeon God.

That title had been carried by him for over five years. He is a very well-known doctor as well as a surgeon who is very popular with his excellent abilities. The hospitals that recruited him mostly came from the prestigious group of hospitals in Nagazora. He is also known as an expert surgeon with only a ten percent failure rate.

All those reputations may sound so exaggerated. He isn't a God who can save every life of course. However, almost ninety-eight percent of the lives of the patients handled by him were always saved by SU—no matter how bad their conditions. Graduating at a very young age—25 years old—with the highest grades at his institute is certainly an amazing achievement in SU's educational history.

The Embodiment of the Messiah. The Savior. The Lifesaver.

Yes. There are so many nicknames attached to SU's identity apart from being a 'Surgeon God'. For some reason, all those exaggerated aliases and praises that aimed to describe all his perfection, actually made SU sick of hearing it.

Fed up?

Yes, right. Being a god of surgeons doesn't mean he never made mistakes. The thing that he hated the most in his life is; when he failed to save the lives of his patients. He knows that the survival of human life and destiny can't be controlled with his own hands. Well, because he too is a normal human who is also not able to save himself when something worse happens to his life and health.

He too has so many flaws and weaknesses.

However, SU has studied hard enough for years to hone his skills. He keeps learning desperately so that his talents and abilities can be useful to everyone. Ever since his parents died—just because of some mistakes in the surgical procedure—that's when SU was determined to become a professional surgeon so that the fateful incident that befell his parents would not happen to anyone else.

He hated seeing death.

And SU will do everything he can to minimize the arrival of the almighty grim reaper so as not to pick up the life of every patient he treats.

He will do anything.

Even though the way he used it... wasn't very... reasonable.

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_________

"Quick, check the blood pressure!"

"The patient's heart rate is getting weaker, Doctor SU! The pulse is below 30 bps!"

"Damn it! We can't let this situation happen any longer! Do the cardioversion procedure immediately!"

"Understood!"

The situation in the operating room looks so precarious.

Beads of sweat-drenched on SU's forehead as he desperately tried to save the life of his patient. A 62 years old woman appears to be in critical condition due to chronic lung cancer. SU still clearly remembers when he managed to make this woman's condition better about a month ago. But now, for some reason, her condition suddenly dropped and all his efforts to maintain his patient's life were on the verge of failure.

"W-We can't fail! She must be saved!" With great determination, SU tried hard to maintain his patient's heart rate. He kept trying to stimulate it with a manual defibrillator, setting the voltage accordingly. He also began to observe the woman's motoric system and placed several new leads on her body, but to no avail. The woman was still unable to respond and her breathing was getting weaker.

"Please! Just let her die! She is not strong anymore, Doctor! Just let my mother rest in peace!"

"Calm down, Miss Pardo! The doctor and all his team are still trying to do their best in the operating room! Please, don't scream in the hospital and don't disturb their concentration—"

"I DON'T CARE! I WON'T BE ABLE TO LOOK AT HER LIKE THIS! UGH! JUST LET HER REST IN PEACE! PLEASE, STOP THE OPERATION!"

The heartbreaking sound of screams and sobs from the outside shattered the silence within the emergency room. SU widened his eyes and could only look down at his tightly clenched hands. No. He would not let the woman in front of him just die in vain like this. Seriously, has her daughter gone mad? Why did she want her mother to just die?

As long as SU is still able to put all his might, he won't give up that easily.

However….

How hard the surgeon god persisted in his determination…

The only one who has the right to determine the outcome is only the true God all along.

Beeeep!

The static sound produced by the electrocardiogram machine indicates that the patient's heart rate has stopped completely. The entire team of doctors and nurses—except SU—seemed to shake their heads with resignation. Amidst the masks they wore to cover half of their faces, SU could tell that there was a glimmer of surrender and a trace of regret etched into each of their expressions.

And that made SU so annoyed.

"Wait! W-What's wrong with all of you! W-We can still do something, right? Quickly, give the patient defibrillation shock—"

"Dr. SU. That's enough."

"D-Doctor Speirs!?"

SU's whole body seemed to go limp when Speirs—his senior, seemed to shake his head with a sad expression. There was nothing more they could do. The angel of death had already taken the life of the woman in front of them. SU looked down with regret painted on his pale face.

"H-How is this possible? Why does the patient seem to have resisted all the inducements that I've given her through multiple defibrillation procedures? W-What has happened exactly?"

SU couldn't help but wonder in frustration. He stared at Speirs with a look of disapproval on his face. And his senior gives his answer with a very sad tone.

"Perhaps, the woman was already too tired to endure all of her sufferings and wanted to rest in peace. There is nothing we can do, SU. All of this has become part of her fate.

Tired.

Fate.

Those two words seemed to sink deeply within SU's mind. Two words that feel so painful to say. He had heard those words many times from the people around him. And somehow, SU always denied it. He always wanted to get those two words out of his mind.

His fuchsia eyes then directed at the figure of the woman who was no longer breathing. And he looks so shocked seeing a faint smile on the face of his dead patient. That smile seemed so peaceful. So serene. As if the woman was so happy to be able to leave this world for good. It seems that what Speirs said was true.

His patient was the one who decided to depart from this world.

And there's nothing SU can do... but to let her go.

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________

His steps seemed so hasty.

After battling hard on his battlefield which was a hospital, SU decided to return to an apartment he had lived in for the past few years. His mind seemed to be drifting as he recalled the little conversation he had with Speirs in the hospital corridor—after handing the patient's lifeless body into his daughter's hands.

Disappointment is still apparent on SU's face. As well as sorrow and grief.

And as a friend as well as his colleague, Speirs will certainly try to encourage him.

"It's not your fault, SU. We did our best."

"I know that, Dr. Speirs. It's just that, I'm still confused whenever I see some patients who have lost their will to live."

SU's attention seemed to be directed downwards as if he was following the patchwork of the hospital floor he stepped on. He really had no idea.

"When I was a student at my institute, I always studied hard to understand how the human organs work. I was always desperately learning to find a way to keep those organs functioning. A doctor's job is to save lives. The patient's life. And if the patient wants to die, then as a doctor, I really feel like a failure because I couldn't even motivate them to keep living."

Speirs sighed hearing that. He understands SU's principles. The gray-haired male just wants to carry out his duty as a doctor and provide safety for all his patients. And he also understands the inner conflict when the patient lost their hope and wanted to die.

"However, Letting our patients go is also a form of rescue, SU."

"Huh?" SU frowned. Skepticism arose in his mind. "How can letting a patient die is a form of salvation, Dr. Speirs?"

Speirs stopped his steps and lifted his head for a moment. SU was still looking at him, waiting for an answer.

"That's because we've freed them from all of that pain. We've freed them from the shackles of those machines and medical equipment, SU. We have set them free. And there is no better form of salvation than just being released from the prison of the pain itself."

SU went silent.

Speirs's answer reminded him of one thing.

He began to remember one important thing that he always desperately denied. The thought of applying the theory of death as a form of salvation. The most important thing that made SU's heart feel like being crushed with no mercy. And as if he could read his junior's mind, Speirs started to offer him a question that made SU's heart freeze for a moment.

"Are you thinking about... Kevin?"

"..."

SU stared blankly.

His mouth was clenched shut, unable to speak. Speirs understood his silence. Even though he is always the one who advises SU, he knows that his junior is a very stubborn man and won't listen to him anyway.

However, this time…

Speirs couldn't let him continue to be trapped in his increasingly narrowed principle.

"How long are you going to keep it, SU?"

SU's whole body seemed to be shivering in terror. His head started to feel dizzy as the images of the existence Speirs talked about flashed through his mind. His gaze slowly dimmed.

And the last message from his senior seemed to make his heart bathed in pain.

"It's already been a year. He must be really tired... SU."

…

"He must be very . . . tired."

.

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_______

Blam!

The door of his apartment had been slammed violently. In a hurry, SU started walking toward his room. His mind is getting frantic. His head felt so heavy, thinking about all the possibilities. The chain of denial is getting more and more suffocating. SU won't believe in Speirs' words. He will not admit what just his senior had said to him was only the truth. The gray-haired man shook his head with a very pale expression.

'Impossible.'

'There's no way he'd be tired.'

'Kevin can't be tired.'

'He is a strong man. He will survive.'

'You... must be strong right, Kevin?'

'You can survive right?'

'Yes! You can do it! What am I talking about?'

And the scenery that will unfold before his eyes seems to contradict all the suggestions that had been formed within his logic.

He started to open his room, staring at the figure of a white-haired man who seemed to be lying weakly on his bed, sleeping peacefully. If SU insists that the man in front of him is fine, then it means that SU is the one who is a hypocrite. If he insisted that the man wasn't tired at all, then it means, SU is the one who is lying and chooses to be blind toward reality.

The white-haired man in front of him already looks so… weak. Even weaker than a piece of white paper. So fragile.

Monitor screen. ICP monitor. EKG lead wires. Nasogastric and Endotracheal tubes. Ventilator. Intravenous catheter. And many more…

All of that medical equipment is like a prison that restrains the fragile man. Instead of looking like a patient who has fallen into a deep sleep, he actually looks like a half-robot who can only survive with the help of medical equipment around him. The machines seemed to do more work than the internal organs within his own body.

The ventilator keeps forcing the man to breathe. Always forced to supply all the air, no matter if his lungs were getting tired to take it. No matter if his lungs stop functioning altogether.

The nasogastric tube keeps providing liquid food into his stomach. The nutrient that his lifeless body might not really need.

The Monitor screen keeps displaying the patient’s heart rate, breathing, blood pressure, and intracranial pressure.
This machine won't stop working to keep an eye on the white-haired man. As if the man's heart isn't allowed to stop beating for a second. As if he isn't allowed to leave this world completely.

And all of these sights were too cruel to behold.

SU finally breaks.

The gray-haired doctor could only kneel with his dimmed eyes. This white-haired man is actually everything to him. It is the substance of SU's own life. And staring at the man's increasingly hopeless state only makes SU slowly feel the gnawing hole within his heart, making a part of him dead as well.

Kevin Kaslana.

That was the name carried by the white-haired man who is now lying in a coma on SU's white bed. The brilliant smile that always painted on Kevin's handsome face was long gone. Those beautiful azure eyes which reminded SU of the clear sky are no longer open. His deep voice which gave a serene feeling to SU could never be heard ever again.

The thick silence keeps engulfing them both with the company of the small sound of all his medical equipment.

SU takes a deep breath for a moment. This is the tale of Kevin Kaslana. One of the most precious patients in the eyes of the surgeon god.

And he is also the one...

The one that SU loves so much in his entire life.

A part of his soul itself.

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________

Fate brought them together when Kevin was rushed to the emergency unit at a large hospital where SU worked two years ago. The white-haired man had been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

He had also been given a verdict that his life would not last more than one year. And if he decides to have surgery, then the success rate percentage only reaches 20 percent.

When Kevin's health care was left entirely to SU—with the hope that the surgeon god could prolong Kevin's life even longer, he never had thought that Kevin would turn out to be such an interesting man.

Besides he always refuses to do chemotherapy and drug therapy and even refuses to have surgery, the man always looks so optimistic. SU never saw the sadness etched on his patient's face considering that his life would not last long.

Kevin is always smiling.

And for the first time, SU felt like he had been drowned in curiosity by a patient who was full of... enigma.

"Morning, Doctor! Today looks great, isn't it? Some nurses have already replaced my flowers with new ones."

"Morning, Kevin. Wow, really? Here I am about to bring you some new flowers myself."

SU always regularly visits Kevin and monitors the white-haired man's condition. As a professional doctor, he only wants to carry out procedures that already apply in the hospital. Even if the patient refuses to do any treatment, that doesn't mean SU's job is done. In addition to keeping an eye on Kevin's condition, he is required to be able to persuade the man so that he finally agrees to do a total treatment.

This is also a mandate that Kevin's family has entrusted to him. And SU will do his best to not disappoint them.

With a faint smile, SU started dragging a chair and then sat down beside Kevin's bed. The white-haired man seemed to be leaning on the pillow of his bed, ready to answer several questions that SU would usually ask him.

"How are you? Does your head still hurt?"

"No. I haven't felt pain in my head for three days. I just feel dizzy but it doesn't last too long," Kevin said while tilting his head and supporting his chin with his hand, looking at SU, smiling once again.

"You don't need to worry about me, Doctor. I feel so much better every time you are here with me."

A slight blush became apparent on SU's face as he suddenly coughed a little, suppressing this unusual feeling that stabbed his pounding heart. Despite being sick, Kevin still looked so handsome and looked healthy from the outside. Well, he doesn't blame Kevin for being so good-looking when the white-haired man himself is actually a former professional basketball player.

The Kaslana was so popular in Nagazora and the news about his retirement was such shocking news, making everyone feel sadness about the departure of their idol.

SU then began to get up from his chair. "Alright. I'll check your blood pressure now."

"Sure. Go ahead."

And Kevin was silent, letting SU check his blood pressure with a sphygmomanometer. While the gray-haired doctor was doing his job, Kevin's attention seemed to turn towards the window.

"Ah, it looks like your blood pressure is quite normal. This is great." SU nodded his head and started to write the progress of Kevin's health in his small journal. However, Kevin's attention, which was still glued to the window, made him frown.

"Is there something on your mind, Kevin?"

The question snapped him out of his thoughts. Kevin blinked his eyes and shook his head.

"No. I'm just confused about what I'm going to do to spend the rest of my life. Actually, there are many things I want to do before I die. But I'm confused, where to start."

The white-haired man chuckled softly as he scratched the back of his head that didn't itch. SU's fuchsia eyes slowly dimmed with a sad expression. He often hears phrases of despair from all the patients he has treated. However, he had never heard the phrase uttered so lightly as if it were a big dream. Naturally, people who were nearing their end would have waited in intense fear and were not eager to do anything.

However, Kevin was completely different.

He doesn't sound desperate at all. He actually looks so optimistic and enthusiastic about making the rest of his life more meaningful. It made SU feel astonished about him. Because Kevin seems to be able to unite the feeling of optimism and empty hope into a strength of his own.

He is really a very tough and strong person.

"Don't say things like that, Kevin. I'm called the god of surgeons for a reason. I will definitely heal you. Trust me." Kevin just smiled hearing that as a soft chuckle erupted from his lips once again.

"Thanks, Doctor SU. I believe that you will definitely do your best. And I really appreciate your duty as a doctor. However, delaying death any longer doesn't mean anything to me. Because basically, we will all die too."

That statement made SU's mouth shut tight. Even though what Kevin said is also true, what's wrong with living a little longer? Many people with unfortunate fates beg God so they can live longer. It's because they want more time to make amends for their mistakes. To always be with the people they love. To appreciate life more by becoming a better person.

Does Kevin have no desire for all that?

SU can only dive into the puddle of his own perception. Staring at Kevin—who is currently turning his attention back to the window with a gaze that is so fragile—makes SU's determination to save him become even stronger. He and Kevin are actually the same age. It's just so unfortunate that the possibility of SU making his own future the way he wanted in his life is still wide open whereas Kevin didn't have the same chance as SU as his future path has already been blocked by his dark fate.

The man can't just waste all his hope for a chance of survival and wait for his inevitable death. And SU is sure that many people will suffer a great loss if a man as cheerful as Kevin just disappears from this world. Because he is like a beacon of encouragement to those around him.

"What do you want to do with the remaining time of your life?"

"Huh?" Kevin's azure eyes widened. He was silent for a moment when SU intensely stared at him. It didn't take long for him to give his answer.

"Actually, some of the things that I want to do might seem a little childish. I want to go to the park. I want to eat a lot of food. I want to try to get close to some kids in the playground because I can never get close to them. Maybe, spending time in an amusement park wasn't a bad idea either. And what else? Ah, this is really embarrassing."

Kevin shook his head, muttering a small genuine laugh. SU just stared softly hearing all those wishes. What Kevin said was not embarrassing at all. Indeed, the things that the man wanted to do may seem so simple. However, SU understands that just by doing simple things like that, Kevin's remaining life and memories will be more meaningful.

Because sometimes...

In this life, they—as humans—do not have time to simply enjoy life just by doing that simple yet meaningful thing. An adult will always be busy with their job. Busy thinking about the future. Buried within their never-ending responsibility. They simply forgot how they had seen the world as the most beautiful place within their pure and innocent eyes way back then in their childhood days.

When their life finally reaches its end, it's how they, as humans, wish to experience the past once again for the last time.

And maybe,

By doing all of those childish things…

Maybe, Kevin's spirit to live even longer can revive.

"I will help you."

"Eh?"

"I will help you to make those things happen." SU's determined gaze made Kevin's lips shut tightly. The gray-haired man was sure of his decision. He will do anything to bring Kevin's spirit back to life. And the ambition that shone in SU's eyes made Kevin smile so gently.

"Thank you, Doctor SU. I really owe you."

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______

Since then, SU has increasingly focused on Kevin despite his busy surgery schedule with other patients. He tried hard to make time for the white-haired patient. And fortunately, some of SU's colleagues in the hospital could understand his wish. Kevin must be saved, no matter what.

SU began to accompany the white-haired man to the park.

He let Kevin jog around there while cheering so happily. The man looked so happy when he could breathe the cool garden air. He was tired of breathing air from the ventilator in his hospital room.

"Doctor SU! There's a swing over there. I can ride it right?" Kevin looks so enthusiastic while pointing his index finger at a swing near a tree. SU just chuckled and nodded his head.

"Sure. But don't swing too fast. You can't get too tired."

"Okay." Kevin smiled again and moved towards the swing he wanted. The man started swinging there with a cheerful look on his face. Staring at him with so much joy like that actually made SU drown in happiness too. He was so happy to see Kevin smiling so free. And he wanted to keep seeing that brilliant smile.

Because Kevin really exists to smile. He exists to warm those around him with his bright optimism.

SU then started to move towards Kevin and helped slowly push the swing from behind. The sound of Kevin's laughter was getting more and more cheerful. And in the end, SU laughed too and started ruffling his patient's white hair.

For the first time in the history of his life…

SU has never felt such a beautiful thrill of euphoria.

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________

"I never knew that this city actually has the most delicious noodles. It is so delicious! I'm glad I can taste it like this once in my lifetime!"

"Haha... I didn't expect you to be a noodle lover. Eat slowly or you'll choke if you eat like that, Kevin." SU laughed softly as he shook his head in amusement. He really didn't expect that Kevin was able to finish 20 bowls of noodles by himself. Despite the man's athletic body, he doesn't seem to be gaining weight with all the food he devoured.

"Ugh—cough!"

"See! What did I just say? Eat slowly! You are coughing!"

"Ahaha… sorry, Doctor." Kevin just grinned while scratching the back of his head. He let SU wipe his mouth clean with the napkin. That kind of genuine attention from his doctor really made Kevin feel so warm.

Slowly, Kevin also took the napkin next to his plate and started to wipe SU's lips gently. That action made SU widen his eyes in surprise. He looked at Kevin who just chuckled softly at him.

"You messed up your mouth too, Doctor SU."

"Eh? Really?"

And it didn't take long for the two men to drown in their laughter together. With such a gentle smile, they continued to wipe each other's mouths. Not realizing that the people around them seemed to be smiling at that sweet and warm sight.

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______

"D-Doctor SU, are you sure I can do this? I suddenly felt a bit nervous—"

"Shhh. Don't give up. Try it first, Kevin. You can do it. I'll help you."

Kevin couldn't hide his nervousness as he began to stare at the figure of a five-year-old boy in front of him. Right now, SU has taken him to a children's playground according to his wishes. So far, Kevin has never been able to approach children and feels awkward around them. And before his life ended, he wanted to erase that awkwardness and try to at least—get close to a child once.

Kosma. That was the name of the boy Kevin wanted to approach. The boy looks so cute and very sweet behind his very hyperactive behavior. His mother was kind enough to let Kevin and SU play for a while with her child. At least, she also wants to let Kevin fulfill his last wish which he may only be able to do once in his entire life.

Cautiously, Kevin started to kneel and stretched his hand towards Kosma. A lollipop that Kevin offered seemed to be able to attract the little boy's attention.

"K-Kosma, come here. Uncle Kevin has something for you. You like candy, right?" Kevin tried to smile, despite the nervousness that painted on his pale face. He didn't want to look like a kidnapper. Well, he tried at least.

And lucky, it seems that Kosma did not hesitate to approach Kevin slowly and began to take the lollipop from his hand. It makes Kevin's azure eyes brighten up with excitement and joy.

"D-Doctor SU! Look! He's willing to accept the candy! He isn't afraid of me anymore, isn't he? Now, what should I do next?" SU started to laugh looking at how confused his patient was right now.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Come on, carry him."

"W-What?" Kevin looked surprised. He looked back at Kosma, unsure about himself. "B-But, what if he falls? I can carry a basketball in my arm easily. But carrying a kid?"

"I'll help you. Come on, don't be afraid." Slowly, SU started to lift Kosma's body and turned him towards Kevin. A smile crossed the surgeon god's face.

"Kosma, Uncle Kevin wants to carry you. Do you want to be carried by Uncle Kevin?"

"Yes!" Kosma seemed to nod his head enthusiastically and then pointed his hands at Kevin. The white-haired man began to hesitate and looked at SU for a moment. The doctor nodded his head, trying to encourage Kevin with his reassuring stares.

"O-Okay. I'll try." Carefully, Kevin started to hug Kosma's body and pulled him from SU's arms. Kosma then wrapped his tiny hands around Kevin's neck. Almost losing his balance, Kevin managed to carry Kosma with the help of SU by his side. The boy was seen unwrapping his lollipop while handing it to Kevin, making both him and SU chuckle seeing that adorable behavior.

"I didn't expect that I would be able to carry a child like this. Their bodies felt so light." Muttered Kevin as Kosma seemed to be giggling within his embrace.

"I wonder, why did you suddenly want to carry a child, Kevin?" Asked SU out of curiosity. Kevin went silent for a moment as he began to rub Kosma's hair gently.

"Well, since I won't be able to marry and have kids in the future, then this is my only chance. I just want to know how it is to be a father who holds their child in their arms."

Those answers felt like knives stabbed through his heart. The more SU spent his time with Kevin, the more of those strings of pain began to pierce him too. He suddenly lost some words, his throat felt tightened as if he was holding his cry.

Kevin suddenly felt bad about the sudden changes in SU as he didn't intend to make his doctor sad.

"I'm sorry, Doctor. I didn't mean to"

"It's okay, Kevin. I understand." SU bit his bottom lip tightly as he clenched both of his hands. He then forced himself to smile.

"Don't worry, I'll keep accompanying you until you can fulfill all of your wishes."

"Thank you, Doctor SU."

Kevin offered him a soft smile as he couldn't help but gently rubbed SU's hair, to comfort his kind doctor. It made SU's heart pound so fast with those affectionate actions as he slowly got lost within those deep azure eyes. He really loved the blue color in Kevin's eyes as it always reminded him of the clear sky.

He felt like he could fly so high within it. Freeing himself from the cage of harsh reality.

With an undefined yet passionate gaze, SU began to copy Kevin's action. He slowly rubbed some strands of Kevin's white hair. His actions seemed to occur under his own consciousness. Touching, rubbing Kevin's hair with affection, everything seemed so natural to do. It feels like the man has become a part of his life. The warmth that he felt every time he stood beside Kevin reminded him of his own home.

It felt like he was so close to his home. The place where he could open all about himself, revealing his most vulnerable side.

And he never met such a person who was able to make him feel like that, other than Kevin.

Kevin Kaslana is such an exception.

For SU, he was so different from all his other patients. He just felt so special. So unique that he is always attracted to those brilliant smiles of the Kaslana.

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_________

The closeness between the two was finally getting to a conclusion.

Amusement park.

It was the last destination where SU accompanied Kevin. His white-haired patient always hopes that he can try out all the rides there—considering that he never gets to visit the amusement park before because his condition won't allow him to. And fortunately, in the past few weeks, SU has managed to persuade Kevin to take his regular medication. At least, the treatment will make the white-haired man's condition a bit more stable and improve so he can enjoy his time outside the hospital even more.

"Doctor SU. Why can't I ride that roller coaster? I want to try it once in my life!"

"Are you kidding? No way. It will make your condition worse. Come on, don't frown like that. Let's try for safer rides."

Kevin sulked with disappointment as he silently followed SU from behind. His doctor merely chuckled as he playfully waved his hand.

"This is for your own good, Kevin. You need to obey your Doctor's advice. Please don't be mad at me."

"Nope. I'm so mad right now."

"Kevin?" SU widened his eyes as he quickly turned to his white-haired patient. He didn't want to upset Kevin as he began to engulf Kevin's hands with his own hands tightly, and stared apologetically at him. His face is painted with worry.

"Kevin, please… don't be mad at me…"

It takes less than one minute for Kevin to finally burst out laughing. He couldn't stay mad at SU with the way his doctor gave his vulnerable stare at him like that. It makes him feel weak all of a sudden.

"With the way you look so good tonight, I can't stay mad at you, Doctor."

That playful teasing erupted the redness on SU's face as he began to feel so shy and flustered. He nudged Kevin's arm and sulked with an irritated expression.

"Stop teasing me like that."

"No. I'm serious. I like the way you put your long hair into that high ponytail. You looked so beautiful."

Kevin seemed to be obvious with how his honest praise affected SU. And SU couldn't even deny how day by day, he couldn't stop thinking about Kevin. The way he always checked on Kevin's condition even if those days weren't on his schedule to check on a white-haired man. The way he always accompanied Kevin anywhere he wanted as long as he could stay beside the Kaslana.

Maybe, it's SU himself who doesn't realize that the special feeling he harbored for Kevin has already bloomed ever since he saw those beautiful azure eyes for the first time. The way Kevin warmly smiles at him. The way he is addicted to hearing Kevin's soft laugh and his deep voice.

The way the white-haired man gently touches his head, rubbing his long gray hair, trailed his finger against his face.

And the way he called SU by his name.

He has already fallen. Deep and hard.

The only thing that SU knows is he has already fallen too deep into those foreign feelings. He couldn't turn back time and easily denied that those feelings didn't exist within him. He couldn't.

However, the surgeon god was better at hiding the truth about it. Moreover, SU is well aware that every doctor shouldn't harbor a deep emotional bonding with their own patients. It will affect their performance as well as their mentality.

And thus, SU began to feel hesitant.

With all of those overflowing feelings that he harbored toward Kevin…

Can he hide it a bit longer?

"Ah, look! There's a love garden! Let's go there, Doctor!"

"W-What? A Love garden?"

SU's daydreaming was shattered as he turned his eyes toward the beautiful garden in front of him. It's full of lighting and stunning lanterns which shone their warm colors along the way. There was a small lake in the center with a pair of swans swimming in it. So many various flowers give even more life to the garden itself.

As some couples spend their time inside, SU can see how they seemed to be drowned in joy and getting lost in their feelings for each other. Because that beautiful place feels like a piece of heaven that dropped on the earth itself. It feels like when they step inside, they will be trapped within an eternity of love that can make them feel isolated from the outside world.

SU began to feel hesitant and nervous at the same time.

"B-But that place is only for lovers who want to spend their time together, Kevin—"

"Of course, I know that."

"Huh?" SU frowned in confusion. With a soft smile, Kevin began to engulf their hands together, staring at SU with the most gentle gaze he can ever give to his doctor.

"Think of me as your lover. Just for this once."

The time seemed to stop for a moment as SU's heart began to race. He couldn't believe what he just heard as those azure eyes kept staring at him in silence, waiting for his answer.

"I…" SU couldn't find his voice as the heat slowly rose on his face and he remained speechless. He slowly began to stutter as he tried to control his emotions. Now, it's Kevin's turn to be nervous as he slowly feels scared that his words had offended his Doctor in some way.

"I'm sorry, if you don't want to go with me then it's okay, Doctor-"

"Call me SU."

"Huh?"

"Since we are lovers this time, just call me SU then."

Kevin widened his eyes as he didn't expect SU to agree with his offers. As those fuchsia eyes finally stared back at him with joy, a wide smile finally blossomed on Kevin's lips. It feels like his true feeling had been reciprocated by his beloved Doctor.

It feels like his beautiful dream has finally come true.

"Alright, let's go then… SU."

As their hands intertwined together, both of them began to step inside the garden. Just for tonight, they want to forget their doctor and patient relationship. Just for tonight, they want to act as lovers for the first time. Just for tonight, they will let loose all of the boundaries between them.

Just for tonight…

They wanted to set free all their feelings toward each other. Trapped within this false eternity of longing and hope. Forgetting the wave of reality just like the others.

Forgetting the fact that all these sweet moments won't last forever.

As SU finally leaned his back on the tree, he waited for Kevin who seemed to be busy preparing something for him. The white-haired man began to collect some free flowers within the garden, unaware of how his 'lover' kept staring at him from behind.

"What are you doing, Kevin? Do you want to create something from all of those flowers?"

"Wait for a little bit, SU. This is a surprise for you." Said Kevin as he began to chuckle, seeing how SU slowly became impatient with the way he was trying to take a peek at him. He continued to arrange the flowers and it didn't take him so much time to finish what he had started.

"Now, close your eyes, SU."

"What?"

"Come on, just close your eyes for a second." Slightly skeptical, SU started to close his eyes. He could feel how Kevin seemed to be grinning in front of him. He doesn't know what his lover is going to do to him. However, as long as it makes Kevin happy, SU will gladly do anything for him.

"Wait, what is it? What are you doing with my head?" Before SU could open his eyes, Kevin quickly covered his eyes with his hand as he leaned against SU's ears, whispering in his deep voice.

"Keep closing your eyes, SU. If you cheat, I'll punish you."

"K-Kevin…" It sent shivers down SU's spine with the way Kevin was standing so close to him. He doesn't realize how red his face is right now as he can feel Kevin's breath on his neck. His heart is pounding so hard but SU tries to remain silent.

"It's done! You can open your eyes now, SU."

"Huh?"

Those fuchsia eyes immediately opened as SU began to feel something on top of his head. He frowned in confusion as the top of his hair was already covered with a bunch of flowers—which seemed to be arranged in a row and very neatly, resembling a crown. His eyes widened with the sudden realization of what kind of surprise Kevin had given him.

"Is this a flower crown?"

"You look so beautiful with that flower crown, SU. Where's your phone? Let me take a picture of you!"

"W-Wait!"

Before he knew it, the sudden flashlight from the phone began to attack his face numerous times. Kevin kept taking his picture as his soft laughter began to echo within the garden, echoing in SU's ear like a perfect melody.

The gray-haired doctor began to smirk, thinking of an idea for his revenge on Kevin. He then started to collect some flowers and arrange them together to create a crown similar to what Kevin had made.

"Well, come here! You have to wear this!"

SU quickly grabs Kevin's shoulder as he tries to place the crown on top of his head. However, being a former athlete he is, Kevin merely smirked as SU couldn't reach him with their height difference. SU kept pressing forward until both of them lost their balance. Without him realizing it, Kevin already caught SU in his embrace before both of them fell to the ground together.

"Owh…"

"Kevin!? Are you alright? I'm sorry-"

SU widened his eyes as Kevin pressed his finger to his lips. The silence engulfed them both as the white-haired man began to deeply gaze at his fuchsia eyes, silently admiring that unique eye color. The time seemed to freeze once again and there was nothing SU ever wanted other than to trail his finger on Kevin's handsome face and keep getting lost within the sky created by those beautiful azure eyes.

As their hearts pounded in harmony, all the logic slowly drowned within the depth of the longing sea. The moon becomes the witness of how their lips finally met for the first time, sealed in a kiss that feels like an eternity. Just for this exact moment, this exact second, all they ever wanted in their life is just to be together, to become one, to drown together within this pure emotion called love.

Their fingers slowly intertwined together, and low moans rose as their kiss was going deeper and deeper. SU's heart is set ablaze, burning by the flame of his strongest desire to save Kevin no matter the costs. He doesn't want to lose him. The man who became a part of his soul.

He loves this white-haired man more than anything in this world.

The lack of air forced them to break the kiss as SU's fuchsia eyes begged him with his glazed stares.

"Kevin... Allow me to save you. Please... I don't want to lose you..."

"SU..." Kevin's whole body seemed to shiver with the way SU's whispered on his lips. The gray-haired man buried his face in Kevin's warm neck, pulling his body to him and embracing it tightly.

He really didn't want to lose Kevin.

Because he had already fallen.

He had fallen too deep and couldn't come back.

"I love you, Kevin."

And all of Kevin's resistance fell away. He slowly reciprocated his doctor's feeling as he began to bury his face in SU's neck. Embracing him back gently and nods silently.

For the first time in his life…

Kevin finally wants to… live.

He wants to keep living. He wants to live a bit longer. He wants to reach his future. He didn't want to die.

It's because of SU.

It's because he loves SU. He loves SU so much. He doesn't need anything in his life more than those beautiful fuchsia eyes staring warmly at him.

And he didn't want to be separated from his beloved doctor.

.

.

________

The fateful day arrived.

SU holds Kevin's hand tightly, trying to calm his lover before the operation begins. In the past three months, Kevin's body finally gave up on its own as he began to fall apart from the inside. He no longer can walk or even wake up from his bed. He is slowly losing some weight as well as losing some of his precious memories.

The light within those azure eyes began to fade. That beautiful smile is rarely to be seen again.

SU gritting his teeth tightly, holding all the pieces of his heart that shattered along with Kevin. He can no longer see that beautiful snow-white hair because more than half of Kevin's hair had been partially scraped off to perform the surgery on his brain.

"Don't be afraid, Kevin. Everything will be alright. You will be fully recovered. I will do my best to save you."

SU's voice is nearly unheard. He is unable to mutter any more words with the way he nearly breaks in front of Kevin. He knew the possibility of saving his lover from death was nearly nonexistent. However, he still needs to stay strong.

Because…

"I believe you, SU."

Despite his frail body which had been engulfed with the hospital gown, Kevin still managed to give a reassuring smile toward him. And SU will do anything. He will do everything to save Kevin. He will do anything to prevent those beautiful azure eyes to be closed forever. He will do anything so that he can finally see those precious smiles once again.

Even if he must reject the fate that had been destined by God itself…

He will save Kevin no matter the costs.

The entire Kevin family already placed their hope and belief in SU. And the surgeon god only needed their prayer to strengthen his resolve. As long as they can prolong Kevin's life a bit longer, it's more than enough for them than hoping for a complete miracle with the blessing of God.

Twelve hours.

Yes. It was during those twelve hours that SU fought to keep Kevin's life. During those hours, he struggled to maintain Kevin's heart rate to keep it beating. For twelve hours he tried to remove the malignant tumor lodged in his lover's brain. For twelve hours he prevented the angel of death to take the life of his love.

And he succeeded.

The malignant tumor had been successfully removed. However, it doesn't mean that Kevin had already passed his critical period. It takes time for the Kaslana to reach his consciousness. And all of it depends on Kevin's will to stay alive. All SU can do is just pray. Hoping that God is still willing to have mercy on him. Not to take away the man that he loved so much.

One month.

It's been a month since SU succeeded with the operation and always waiting with a neverending prayer within his heart. For the first time after surgery, those azure eyes finally opened. Kevin finally woke up and managed to surprise SU who was sleeping on the edge of his bed.

"S-SU..."

The voice was so weak. It's almost inaudible at all. However, SU could hear it. He could feel the moment Kevin's fingers began to move slowly within his hand. The surgeon god then slowly opened his eyelids, trying to adjust the blurred vision of his eyes.

"Kevin?"

And SU's whole body seemed to tremble when those long-lost azure eyes stared back at him. That warm smile finally returned. Kevin really has come to his senses. He really managed to live, to survive on his own, to fight his own fate so that he could see SU once again.

And nothing can stop the tears leaking from his fuchsia eyes anymore. SU cried. He was crying with overflowing joy and relief. He is just too happy. The part of his soul finally came back. For SU, all of It just feels like a dream comes true.

This reality is just too beautiful.

But SU forget…

… that this reality is almost too beautiful for this cruel and unjust world.

.

.

_________

"This is beyond expectation. It seems that complications have occurred in several parts of his brain. The malignant tumor has already damaged eighty percent of Kevin's brain and has spread to his central nervous system. I'm sorry, Doctor SU. We couldn't do more surgery because the damage to his brain is too severe. He won't be able to hold on any longer."

And the euphoria really didn't last long.

Two months.

That pseudo happiness only lasted for two months. SU never had thought that behind the smile and joy that Kevin emitted when the man was fully conscious, there was actually excruciating pain he had been hiding behind his temporary life spirit.

Kevin couldn't hide all of those pain anymore. He was unable to stop the flow of blood that suddenly fell from his nose and mouth. He was unable to maintain his consciousness for long enough. He was unable to cast that gentle gaze and beautiful smile on SU forever.

His body collapsed again.

His face turned pale again.

And SU could only break down within his own regret when Kevin could only stare at him with those glazed and dimmed azure eyes. The white-haired man knew that his end was near. And he never blamed it on anyone.

He has accepted his fate since long ago. And he never blamed SU for reviving his will to keep living even if it's just for a bit longer.

There is nothing he regrets in his entire life.

Two months.

That time was more than enough for Kevin to say goodbye to the doctor that he loved so much.

That time was more than enough for him to say… his last gratitude.

He closed his eyes, drowned in intense grief when SU started to cry with the devastation painted on his face. How ironic. He couldn't even move his fingers to wipe his lover's tears away. And Kevin knew that his own tears will also leak out from his eyes too.

"P-Please, Kevin... hold on. I don't want to let you go. Please, hold on a little bit longer. You can do it, Kevin. Please... d-don't ever leave me like this..."

That miserable plea felt like a thousand thorns stabbed right through Kevin's heart as the guilt slowly ate him from within. Nothing hurt him more than staring at SU crumble in despair. The pain that he felt all over his body didn't mean anything anymore. He didn't want the man that he loved to fall on the path of self-destruction. Kevin would rather be blind than looking at SU who slowly crumbles apart before him.

And he felt so useless because he was unable to grant SU's wishes.

A wish to stay alive. To be together forever.

It hurts.

It hurts too much.

His whole body betrayed his will to live as they couldn't hold on anymore. They are all too tired to function. Too tired to keep living. Some of his internal organs had also reached their limit.

Everything hurts so much.

He felt like…

He just wants to finally rest.

"I… am-sorry... Too…T-Tired..."

"Kevin…" SU frantically shook his head. His whole body seemed to be shivering in fear. He gripped Kevin's hand tightly and began to kiss the back of his lover's palm, pressing his face which had been drenched with never-ending tears there.

"D-Don't say that Kevin... please... don't say... Something like that..."

Kevin closed his eyes. He really couldn't bear to look at SU's current state. He becomes the source of SU's pain. And the tears that seeped down at the back of his palm only made the pain struck in him even more.

"I'm sorry… SU… S-Sorry... because I-I can't stay by your side anymore. Thank you for giving me all of those beautiful memories... Meeting you was the greatest gift. ..that God had been blessed with in my short life. There is n-nothing I regret in my life. N-Nothing really..."

SU widened his eyes as Kevin's words suddenly make all of those memories so painful to remember. He didn't want to remember all of their time together—especially now when Kevin was right in front of him dying. All those memories seemed to have evolved into a wave of nightmares. It was too despicable. His heart couldn't hold it because it was already torn apart.

However, he understood...

That Kevin… was already so tired.

And there was nothing he could do, other than to stay silent, listening to all of Kevin's last messages. Even though it only made SU feel even more... dead than before.

The white-haired man seemed to smile at him.

"After I'm gone, promise me... to take good care of yourself. I will never forgive you if you keep mourning my death. S-Shape your own future the way you wanted. Play more often in the park. Visit… Kosma.. .and s-say my regards to that boy. A-And one more thing..."

"... About that flower crown..."

SU widened his eyes as his heart felt like stop beating for a second.

"I-I want..." Kevin closed his eyes for a moment as the tears couldn't be held back anymore. SU's soul seemed to be crushed along with it as he couldn't hold his sobs.

"I want… you… to put... that flower crown on me… before my body is being cremated and turned to ashes. I-I want to take those flower crowns… with me… as my precious memory a-about you…"

"Kevin..."

Those last requests made SU break completely. He couldn't find his voice as it filled with his wailing sound and cries. His whole body was shaking even more and his eyes hurt from shedding too many tears. And he didn't care if the tears would evolve into blood though. It's better if his eyes are destroyed altogether than staring at Kevin's lifeless body.

And behind the pool of tears that were falling, Kevin continued to look at him with pleading eyes. The man begged for SU's answer. Because he didn't have much time left anymore.

"P-Promise me, SU... Promise me that you will fulfill my last wishes..."

"N-No..."

"S-SU—please."

"N-No… I can't… D-Damn it!"

SU began to scream in rage and despair as Kevin was getting weaker. The gray-haired doctor finally accepts his defeat as he couldn't bear seeing Kevin cry along with him. SU started to force himself to nod slowly with his hands tightly clenched, holding all of that pain.

"I-I promise! Are you happy now, huh? I-I hate you! I hate you so much, Kevin Kaslana!"

If Kevin had more power now, he would have laughed at SU. But he really couldn't. His whole body was screaming to be rested immediately. It was even more difficult for him to maintain a smile on his face with his already fading life. He could only whisper softly. Muttering his last words.

His last farewell…

Before he fell asleep for eternity.

"I… I love you so much, SU… Thank you…."

'Thank you for everything.'

And those sky colors finally dimmed. Closed forever.

Along with the cessation of Kevin's heart rate, the static sound produced by the screen monitor shattered the silence as it became a clear sign of how the angel of death had taken the white-haired man's life completely. The time seemed to stop for a moment as SU's whole body froze within those harsh fates. The sobs of some of Kevin's relatives were deafening. Kevin is gone.

The one that brings so much light to their life is finally gone from the world.

The surgeon god screamed his heart out once again. SU didn't care about the pitying glances from the entire team of doctors and colleagues who were standing around him. The sight was so heartbreaking. SU was completely crushed as he could only hug Kevin's lifeless body and continued to pour out all his tears there. He kept crying until his entire body felt numb. He kept crying until his eyes couldn't shed tears anymore.

SU really has lost his life.

And he has also lost half of his soul as well as… his sanity.

.

.

________

"W-What have you done! Have you gone mad, SU!? None of this will bring Kevin back to life! He is already dead! Stop it! Those machines won't be able to bring him back to life!"

"I don't care, Dr. Speirs! As long as I can maintain his heart and keep all his other organs functioning, that's more than enough!"

The chain of denials really made SU fall into the depths of frustration.

He didn't want to accept Kevin's death. No matter what happens, he will do anything to make his love come back to life. He really has done various ways to keep all of Kevin's organs functional. SU chose an almost unorthodox way to keep the body of his lover to remain intact and not rotting with time.

He had a feud with the Kevin family of course. The white-haired man's family just wants to put Kevin on his everlasting rest. They want his body to be cremated immediately. However, SU insisted on defending Kevin and tried hard to convince them that he could definitely bring the white-haired man back to life.

And he succeeded.

SU finally found his way to put Kevin in a prolonged coma. All of those machines can keep Kevin's organs alive and functional. However, all of those organs functioned against Kevin's will. The white-haired man already lost his will to live ever since his heart stopped beating some months ago.

And Speirs knew that SU's actions would only end up in vain. The essence of Kevin's soul is gone completely. No matter how hard SU tries to keep Kevin's body, his soul will never be able to return to the world.

"Half a year has passed. The damage in his brain was too fatal. Even if Kevin can wake up and come back to life, he will live like a corpse. The one who can't do anything. The one who can't talk and move. The one who can't remember anything. And can't even see. Do you want to see Kevin live as an empty shell like that, SU? Are you able to look at him like that? Answer me, SU!"

Speir's shout made SU tremble in excruciating pain, shattering his remaining hope with the bitter truth. The gray-haired doctor could only look down while gritting his teeth tightly. He knew that what Speirs said was true. No matter how hard he tried, in essence, Kevin was really gone. He is not a God who can revive someone's life.

He is just a mortal who has many limitations.

However, his love for Kevin is just too deep.

It was too deep to the point that SU's life was also gone along with him.

He really didn't want to lose Kevin. He couldn't bear seeing his lover's body being completely cremated and evolving into ashes.

"I-I love Kevin so much, Dr. Speirs... I… really love him..."

The tears began to fall once again. Speirs couldn't imagine how many tears had been shed by SU ever since he lost Kevin from his arms forever. As a senior as well as a friend, he couldn't let SU keep destroying himself within his own delusional hope. He couldn't let SU sink further into his own selfishness and his downfall. The gray-haired doctor must learn to accept reality.

He must learn to accept the fact this world… is just full of unfairness.

"If you love him so much, then let Kevin go. Let him wait for you in a more appropriate place. His body is already falling apart, SU. Please, just let him rest in peace."

SU silently closed his eyes. If only his logic and sanity still remained, he would have done that from the start. The love he harbored for Kevin had rendered him blind to reality. Blinded with his own selfish wish.

And the last message left by his senior finally makes him open his eyes with realization.

"Your duty in this world isn't over yet, SU. You still have to keep your promises to Kevin. Don't make him disappointed in you. Show him that you… truly love him."

.

.

_________

Beep! Beep!

The sound of static beats shattered the silence within SU's chaotic mind. The labyrinth of retrospection that flashed before his eyes is making his head feel so dizzy. Yes. It's been a year since he kept Kevin's body in his room. And his lover's condition remains the same. No change. Still lying in a coma.

Maybe, It's time…

It's time for SU to let go of his lover. To let Kevin rest in peace. The man's body was already too tired. His body was too tired to be forced to function. And a world full of injustice like this is not a proper place for a man as pure and beautiful as Kevin.

It's about time.

Slowly, SU began to walk toward his lover's bed. He looked once again at Kevin's cold body and he began to gently caress his pale face. The expanse of pale skin was increasingly weathered. This made SU roll back his tears while covering his trembling mouth with his palms.

"W-What have I done? I've ruined you so much, Kevin..." SU's chest tightens. He has completely destroyed the perfection that exists within Kevin's entity. He will not be able to prevent the time to make Kevin's body more and more weathered. There is nothing he can do to stop the time. All these injustices must be stopped immediately.

He had to let go of Kevin.

With a shattered heart, SU began to remove all the machines and cables that were attached to his lover's body. He slowly removed the oxygen tube. And he turned off all the medical machines that had been forcing Kevin's organs to keep living.

And lastly…

He let Kevin's heart stop beating completely.

SU began to kneel as his wrenching sobs echoed through the room, accompanying the cold, empty body of the white-haired man. As he landed his farewell kiss on top of his lover's cold lips for one last time…

SU finally could let go of the halves of his soul forever.

"Goodbye, Kevin… And I'm sorry…"

.

.

______

Kevin's body was cremated... on SU's birthday.

It was a coincidence. Kevin's family even offered to cremate Kevin's body on a different day. However, SU refused the offer. He decided to cremate Kevin on his birthday as a form of penance and dedication to his late lover. With Kevin's cremation on his birthday, SU will always be able to remember his memories with Kevin every time he celebrates his birthday.

Painful indeed.

However, SU didn't mind that.

He is willing to live under Kevin's shadow. Because he knew that he would definitely reunite with the white-haired man in the afterlife.

Drenched in guilt, SU began to put the flower crown that Kevin had arranged in the garden a year ago. All of those flowers have already withered, of course. And SU could only clench his hands in regret.

"I'm sorry, Kevin. The flower already withered because I took too long to let you go. Please, forgive me."

The sound of footsteps began to approach SU as the gray-haired doctor slowly turned to the small one who suddenly grabbed his shirt. A green-haired boy apparently stared at him as his mother just offered SU a sympathetic look.

"Uncle SU. Mommy said that Uncle Kevin is in heaven right now. Can we meet with him again someday?"

Before SU know it, the tears slowly fell from his eyes as he began to lift Kosma in his arms and just silently nods with a forced smile.

"Of course. We will meet with Uncle Kevin again. He will watch us from heaven. So, you need to become a good boy for him, Kosma."

As Kevin's body entered the cremation chamber and the flame began to burn until it became ashes, all the people who stood there couldn't only watch in silence, lost within the memories of the white-haired man during his life. SU lifted his face as he stared at the sky above him.

In the end, he believe that he will definitely return to his lover.

'Wait for me, Kevin. We will definitely be together again. Watch me from there. I will keep all my promises to you.'

And unknown to SU, as he finally took his leave without looking back anymore…

The shadow of a white-haired man seemed to be staring at him from a distance with a soft smile on his lips. He held the flower crown gently on his arms as his azure eyes finally closed, along with his disintegrating shadow which slowly was swept by the cold wind, making him disappear from the world completely.

He will definitely watch the surgeon God from the above.

'I'll be waiting for you, SU.'

Always.