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Sakusa entered the apartment first and Atsumu followed behind, closing the door after entering. His hands were shaking, still debating if he was going to express how he felt today, like he had planned that morning. They took off their shoes and Sakusa headed to the kitchen to put down the groceries they had just bought. Atsumu waited a bit, still debating with himself.
- Babe? Give me a hand please? – Sakusa called from the kitchen. Atsumu closed his eyes and pressed his lips together. He hated that nickname, always told him he didn’t like it, but did Sakusa ever stop?
- Coming! – Atsumu answered back. He went to the kitchen, where Sakusa was already putting some stuff in the fridge. He dug into one of the bags and started taking out the rest – some fruit, a pack of yogurts, different kinds of pasta – and laid it on the counter. He gave the yogurts to Sakusa, placed the fruit on the fruit bowl and then started organizing the pasta in its rightful containers, moving to another counter, this one under the cabinet with the pasta containers.
- How about we cook some meatball spaghetti tonight? – Sakusa suggested as he closed the fridge.
Atsumu’s grip on the pasta package tightened slightly.
- You know I don’t like spaghetti with meatballs. – he answered, a hint of hostility in his voice.
- Of course you do! You always like what I cook you. And you’ve eaten it before. – Sakusa said, taking out the meatballs from the other bag and placing them down on the counter.
He turned fully to Sakusa, back leaning on the counter.
- I did, ‘cause you surprised me with it but I had already told ya I don’t really fancy the dish.
- Well, maybe you just need to try it again – Sakusa insisted.
Atsumu rolled his eyes.
- Or maybe ya should start listening to what I say about my likes and dislikes.
He turned around and put the pasta down and his hands on the counter. Maybe he should speak. Maybe he should speak right now-
Suddenly a pair of arms were wrapping him from behind, a comfortable weight being put on his back. Sakusa placed his chin on Atsumu’s shoulder.
- Don’t be upset. I’ll make something else. I’m sorry.
At these words Atsumu immediately relaxed. He hated how easy Sakusa could make him forget everything he was mad about. A simple “I’m sorry” and maybe things could get better. Maybe he shouldn’t say anything at all.
- ‘m not upset. I just have told ya that I didn’t like it so many times before. – Atsumu sighed.
- I’ll remember next time. – Sakusa said and kissed Atsumu’s shoulder.
No. you won’t. Atsumu’s words were left unspoken. He turned from the counter in Sakusa’s arms, now facing him. His dark brown eyes looked at him lovingly, but Atsumu knew in his gut that that look wasn’t for him. He gulped and looked away. Sakusa placed a hand on his chin and moved Atsumu’s face to him again. He leaned in and gave him a kiss on the lips. Atsumu closed his eyes and relaxed into the kiss again. Im too weak.
- Hm – Sakusa spoke and broke the kiss. – You’re not wearing the strawberry chapstick i gave you, are you?
- Oh. – Atsumu said and instinctively passed a finger through his lips. – I forgot to put it on when we left home actually.
- I told you, you should wear it often, your lips are so naturally dry. – Sakusa stated in a calm voice. He leaned in for another kiss, but it was just a simple peck before he retreated. His expression shifted slightly, like he was slightly disappointed at the lack of the strawberry flavor.
- I can go put it on right now – Atsumu offered, searching Sakusa’s eyes that were not longer on his face. Sakusa sighed and took his hands of Atsumu.
- Lets just start making dinner – he said with a small smile.
Atsumu lowered his head. I should have put that stupid thing on my lips. That’s the first thought Atsumu had. But then he remembered – he never liked the taste of that chapstick. But Sakusa offered it to him and pretty much influenced him into wearing it often because he liked the taste of it. The turmoil came back in his head. Should he speak now? Sakusa was already turning away to the bags again. Atsumu kept quiet but his mind was racing. That was the man he loved. Was he really about to do this? Sakusa started taking out packs of ramen from the bag. Atsumu’s grip on the edge of the counter tightened.
- How about we do something more comforting like a bowl of miso ramen? – Sakusa suggested.
Atsumu didn’t look at him, his gaze too focused on the floor.
- Atsu? You like miso ramen, don’t you? – Sakusa tried again, ramen in one hand and another on the bag.
Atsu. He loved that nickname. Maybe he shouldn’t say anything. Maybe he was overreacting, maybe-
- you look at me like I am someone else – Atsumu blurted out. He let go of the counter, his arms falling on his sides.
Sakusa looked surprised, his eyebrows raised. He put down the ramen and let go of the bag. He approached Atsumu.
- What? What do you mean? I don’t, I would never-
Sakusa reached out to Atsumu with his hand, trying to touch his arm.
Atsumu moved away from his touch.
- But you do. – he started. - Every look you give me is full of love but its not for who I am. Its for whatever image of me you created in that little head of yours. – he looked straight at Sakusa. Sakusa took a step back. He looked a bit taken aback; his head cocked.
Atsumu continued.
- You never truly loved me. You just love the version of me you made up in your mind. You try to impose that vision onto me ever since the start. I never paid it much attention – the way you bought me things that you think I would like but had nothing to do with me, the affection you would shower me with, never minding or even caring if that was the type of affection display I needed. And I would show you, tell you, that whatever you thought I needed didn’t represent me at all, but you never, never listened. I would always have to act like you wanted me to in social events, when we were with others, be it your family or our own teammates. I always had to put on a sort of mask of my own self to fit on your idea of who you wanted me to be.
Atsumu sighed and crossed his arms. He looked away.
- You never really paid attention to me since we started dating Omi. But I was too in love to notice how you would impose certain manners, certain likes and dislikes, certain behaviours…all these things that had nothing to do with me but rather with the person you wanted me to be.
Atsumu sighed, tears falling from his eyes, running down his cheeks. He looked at the wall, wiped the tears with his hands. He passed a hand through his hair. Laying out his feelings like that was being difficult and heart-breaking.
He looked at Sakusa once again, ready to say his final words, but hesitant of what the other would say.
- I can’t be in a relationship where I love you for who you are and where you love me for what I am not. – he said firmly – I am not a doll you dress up as you please. If u can’t see that and can’t change, then I don’t see a future in this relationship for me.
Silence. Tense silence. Sakusa looked very taken aback. He peered intently at the bag in the counter, like he was thinking very intensively.
- I don’t understand. I never imposed anything to you. I simply gave you things you might like and cared for your image. – he was being very serious and clearly completely clueless of what he had been doing that whole relationship.
- But you did Omi. – Atsumu said - Wearing strawberry chapstick, styling my hair the way you wanted, not being able to enjoy shows I liked because you didn’t want me to see them, forcing me to listen to the music you wanted me to listen to. Toning down my own personality because it didn’t fit the mold you created of me.
- But Atsu, I just helped you being a better version of yourself, I never wanted to change you, I never intended for you to stop being yourself or something like that.
Atsumu looked at him very seriously. He was getting angry now. Didn't Sakusa realized how he had manipulated Atsumu?
- Maybe you didn’t, but that’s effectively what you did. If my likes didn’t fit the little Atsumu you wanted me to be, you asked me to change them, to start liking other things instead, things you’d think I would, no, should like but they were all wrong! Can’t you see how you acted this whole relationship? Always toning down who I am in favor of someone you wanted to be with? I was just your little pawn, someone for you to mold!
- Atsu, I think you’re exaggerating, all I ever did was support you and try to make you the best version of yourse-
- No! I am not! I’m trying to tell you how I have been feeling this whole relationship and you’re not listening to me! I don’t care if you thought you were helping me or turning me into whatever you thought was the best version of myself. I am the one who makes that decision, and frankly all you ever did was make me feel insecure about my own damn self! – Atsumu was practically shouting right now. He has had enough and if Sakusa saw no wrong in his actions, then Atsumu would have to call quits on their relationship. – I have always loved you for who you are but what you loved in me was exactly how you could manipulate me through that love. – his eyes were red with tears; his hands were shaking and all Sakusa was showing was a serious face and a confused stare. He did look sad but more than that, confused.
- Atsumu I would never manipulate you, I confess I did try to show you things for you to like and wear but never intended to change you in anyway whatsoever. Again, I just wanted you to better yourself, be more in tune with society and with life in the city and in a high-end environment-
- Look! You’re doing it again! – Atsumu let out a dry laugh – are you completely clueless or are you just messing with me again? I couldn’t give a damn about how society perceives me! And you should know this from the start even before we started dating! I never gave two fucks about what the world thinks of me. I know you grew up in a world where appearances are important, where whatever you should like and dislike was already dictated for you but I am not, and have never been like that. And you tried to impose that on me. And that can’t be Omi. I’m not built like that and I won’t let you destroy who I am just so I can fit in your idea of who your partner should be. I am me Omi and if you don’t love me, Miya Atsumu, then…then we should break up. – Atsumu put the final nail in the coffin.
There was silence once again. Sakusa looked teary eyed looking at the wall, jaw clenched, fists closed. Atsumu was letting his tears run freely, suppressing his sobs.
- Do you want to break up with me? – Sakusa asked, still not looking at Atsumu.
- I don’t know if I want to. But I can’t stay in a relationship like this.
Silence. Sakusa’s teary eyes locked with Atsumu’s misty ones.
- Omi. - Atsumu called.
- Yes?
- What’s my favorite show?
Sakusa blinked, surprised by the question.
- I- isn’t it Peaky Blinders?
Atsumu shook his head.
- My favorite movie?
Sakusa scratched his forehead in confusion, eyebrows furrowed.
- In…Interstellar?
Atsumu shook his head again.
- Favorite food?
- Onigiri?
Atsumu shook his head again. He sighed, new tears forming in his eyes.
- Your favorite show is Game of Thrones, your favorite movie is The Shawshank Redemption and your favorite food is umeboshi. Your favorite color is black and you use three products to style your hair. You hate losing and always have a cute little pout when things don’t go your way but you’re not too mad about it. When you are indeed mad, you get very serious and answer very harshly to people without really meaning it. You hate germs and are very careful of your own hygiene and the places you frequent but ironically, your love language is physical touch. You hate crowds and love your personal space. You know a lot about classical music but I know you listen to kpop and know some of the dances. Your favorite sushi restaurant is the one across the street from our gym because they are very clean and always wear gloves and you can see them prepare the sushi in front of you. I could go on Omi, because I have always paid attention to you, but I know you couldn’t do the same. You got those basic 3 questions wrong. Even Shoyo could probably answer them. All the things you said were stuff you wanted me to like...except for the onigiri, I guess you said that because of Osamu.
Atsumu sighed. Sakusa looked utterly sad, red eyes and downturned lips.
- Atsu, I…I never meant to hurt you – Sakusa said, looking at him.
- I believe you. But can you honestly tell me you love me? Can you list right now a number of things that make you love me? – Atsumu asked, as a last opportunity. A last chance to see if his biggest fear would come true.
He was met with silence. Sakusa looked at him, opening and closing his mouth, his eyes blinking and searching for something to say. He gave a last look to Atsumu.
- I see. – Atsumu murmured. He held back his tears. – Goodbye Omi.
Atsumu left the kitchen. He put on his shoes, ditching the slippers Sakusa always had ready for him. He waited a bit, hoping Sakusa would chase after him, but he heard no steps. He opened the door and left Sakusa’s apartment. His heart still hoped - as he walked towards his own apartment in the same floor – still hoped Sakusa would run after him, would admit his flaws and want him back. But how could he want Atsumu back if he never wanted him in the first place? Why was Atsumu wishing for someone who never saw him and never loved him as Miya Atsumu?
He walked slowly, containing his sobs. No one was coming after him. He reached his own door and looked back. Nothing. He opened the door and entered in his own apartment, preparing himself for another sleepless night, this time with the company of his own tears and heartbreak.