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“Tell my mother I understand now. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles.”
It had been approximately two weeks since Nya’s disappearance.
It had been two weeks since Pixal had watched as Nya allowed her elemental power to take complete control over her thoughts and emotions.
Two weeks since Pixal had poured her share of water into a vase at Nya’s funeral, her hands shaking with uncontrollable grief.
Everyone had cried those first few days. Most of them locked themselves in their rooms as they fell apart, trying to keep themselves together in front of everyone else, but the moment they were alone, it all came crumbling down.
Zane didn’t even bother secluding himself. He’d just sat down right outside the Monastery, arms folded on his knees, and cried until his sleeves were practically soaked. He had artificial tear ducts, unlike Pixal. She couldn’t cry liquid tears, but she got the sensation just as powerfully as anyone else.
She’d sat with Zane for hours, gently rubbing his back, until he’d cried himself dry and was able to comfort Pixal just as she’d done for him. It was hard for them, they’d all lost a close friend to the very same element that’d empowered her.
Not two days after the funeral, Jay had decided to leave. Kai followed soon after, then Lloyd, all of them so ripped apart by the loss that they’d come to the conclusion that the best course of action was to simply leave.
And then Zane had asked Pixal for a word, alone. Although she didn’t realize it in the moment, that word would signify the tipping point for the most difficult year of her life.
The guilt was present on Zane’s features as he murmured words about how it was ‘too much’ and how he ‘didn’t want this to break him’ and things about how he’d ‘thought about this a lot’ before he’d finally dropped the news.
He was turning his emotions off.
Pixal’s heart had dropped down and hit the floor, shattering into a million pieces.
But of course, of course , since Zane had just looked so hurt already, so broken, she’d just nodded sorrowfully and said that she understood.
Zane stared at the ground for a moment before his head snapped upwards to meet her eyes. Ice blue stared into emerald green, and then strong metal arms wrapped around Pixal in a tight hug. She hugged him back, and if she could cry, she would’ve been.
They pulled back, Zane’s face set with teary determination. He opened the panel that was located right over his heart, and it took all of Pixal’s will not to slam it right back shut, to shout at her partner, to beg him not to leave her like this. Instead, she reached forward and gently placed two fingers over the switch.
Zane hugged her again, fierce like fire. Pixal screwed her eyes shut, not quite hitting the lever yet.
“It won’t be forever,” Zane promised quietly. “I promise you, I’ll be back.”
Pixal flipped the switch, and as she did it, Zane’s arms loosened, turning their firm embrace into Zane awkwardly returning a gesture he could no longer understand.
Pixal detached herself, forced a bittersweet smile, then turned around and left Zane be. As much as she wanted to stay with him, to never leave his side ever again, she knew that was a useless fantasy. Zane had made his decision, and she had no choice but to respect it.
It hurt. She feared it would never stop hurting.
One day, she reminded herself. He’ll be back. He’ll come back to normal.
And I’ll be waiting for him with open arms.
Pixal couldn't sleep.
Hypothetically, that was impossible for her, sleep was as simple as wanting it to happen. Sleep was like the flick of a switch, not hours of tossing and turning among various other increasingly questionable methods of slumber.
So, making amends to the previous statement to fit the situation, Pixal wouldn't sleep.
So instead, Pixal pulled herself out of bed and quietly crept outside, into the courtyard of the Monastery. She sat down beside the dragon centerpiece, quietly sighing before tilting her head up to the stars.
She missed Nya. Hell, she missed Zane .
It was selfish, that was what it was. Zane turned off his emotions for his own sake. She respected his decision.
So why was it so hard to just move on?
If Zane kept his emotions off indefinitely, surely their relationship would end. And Zane had taken that into account. But all that being said, he was going to return, it was a promise. So why was she so upset?
"It shouldn't be possible for me to be selfish," Pixal whispered to herself. "I was programmed to be selfless and helpful. What's changed?"
Everything, she internally answered her own question. Everything’s changed.
Nya was gone forever. Zane had no more emotions, no love or care left inside his hollow metal body. Lloyd, Kai, and Jay had all left the team. Master Wu spent his time locked away, reading feverishly, never taking a break in hopes to find a new clue that could help them. Cole tried to hold them all together, but to no avail every time.
They were a mess.
Pixal didn’t even know she had the capability to feel so broken, so lost . It wasn’t part of her programming, surely. Maybe a year or two ago, she wouldn’t have been as badly affected.
That was Zane’s doing. He made her more human, albeit unintentionally. Pixal wasn’t always like this, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. Loss was a part of life, she knew that now.
But until Zane returned to his normal self, she knew she’d just need to keep her head up and continue. This wasn’t the first time she’d been without him, she’d watched him die before- twice, in fact.
“Maybe I’ll talk to Wu tomorrow,” Pixal murmured. “I might take a break for a bit. Go visit Cyrus.” It was certainly a thought worth considering. Every second with Zane was like a stab to the chest, every blank stare and monotone word. It was an experience she’d wish on no one- seeing someone you love turn into an empty drone.
‘Someone you love’. Since when could Pixal love anyone?
The nindroid buried her face in her hands, inhaling and exhaling a trembling breath.
“He’ll be back,” she told herself yet again, standing up. “He will come back.”
One day.
But, for today, I’ll just have to do without him.
And with that final thought for the night, she made her way back inside and fell asleep.
*huge timeskip to episode ten of crystalized*
“Zane, did you turn your emotions back on?”
It’d been around an hour since Kai had asked that, and since Zane had made the choice to turn his emotions back on.
It all came crashing down around him like a dam.
Pixal.
What had possessed him into thinking that leaving her at her worst was a good idea? What had come over him? What was he thinking ?
“Hey, Zane,” Kai’s voice sliced through Zane’s thoughts. Dusk had fallen after they’d dropped Sally off at her house, and Dareth was already asleep. Zane had opted to keep guard- nindroids didn't need sleep, after all.
"Having trouble sleeping?" Zane asked Kai sympathetically. Kai shook his head.
"Not really," he admitted. "I just noticed that you looked upset. Is everything alright?" Zane paused, weighing his options, before choosing the truth and shaking his head. Kai immediately sat up, draping an arm around Zane's shoulders to comfort him.
"Wanna talk?" he offered. Zane sighed.
"I feel… horrible," he confessed. Kai raised an eyebrow, but kept quiet and let Zane continue. "I was just thinking about Pixal, and how I turned my emotions off, and what an awfully inconsiderate move that was, and-"
“Hey, hey!” Kai cut him off. “You were grieving. Pix gets that.”
“What was I thinking ?” Zane cried. Kai chuckled a little, placing his free hand on Zane’s.
“You weren’t,” he replied simply. “You were upset. Sometimes, we do irrational things when we’re dealing with a lot. It’s human.”
“But I’m not-”
“Yeah, you are,” Kai argued. “Maybe not biologically, but you’ve got all the mental human characteristics. And believe me, Pixal is crazy-strong. She’ll understand.” Zane nodded meekly.
“She may just end my life when we return, though,” he pointed out, a smile creeping on his face. Kai laughed.
“She will,” he agreed. “And you’re probably not gonna mind too much.”
“I won’t,” Zane confirmed, tilting his head up to the stars. “Get some sleep, Kai.”
“Alright,” Kai said, letting go of Zane and moving back. “Have a good night, Zane.”
“You too.” Zane didn’t take his eyes off the stars as he spoke. There was a rustling sound that Zane presumed was Kai making himself comfortable to go to bed.
I miss you, he thought at the sky. And I can’t wait to see you again.
Thank you for waiting for me, Pixal.
I love you.
Zane smiled again.
And I can’t wait to see you again.