Chapter Text
Janet Helen Stirling hated her name. She always loved the name Helen. It was a beautiful name, it meant light.
Well not only she had a cousin named Jane and they were always confused while being called, Janet wasn’t her grandmother, Helen was. Janet was the name of the man that was married to her mother before her father, he had passed away. He was her father’s cousin. If she wanted to explain simply, Janet was her great aunt.
Aunt Janet adored her and Janet liked her great aunt. However she liked her grandmother much more and it felt so absurd that she was Janet Helen and not Helen Janet
To the world she was known as Lady Janet Stirling, the Merry Rakess, a quiet yet spirited unmarried girl who lives in the highlands of Scotland, daughter to the one and only Merry Rake. Some of the older women used to whisper that she had a wicked glint in her eyes as her father.
But to herself, she was Helen. Just Helen. In love with books, Scotland and her family. Everyone may still call her Janet, but that didn’t change her perception of herself.
She sighed as the train neared London. It was the social season of 1850. John was grinning and she was sighing. They were so different it sometimes made her wonder if they were really raised in the same household.
“Why do you look like you’re going to a funeral?” John groaned.
“Why do you look like you’re going to a wedding?!” She snapped.
“We are! Isabella is getting married during the season!”
She frowned and turned her head away from the window of the train to John. “Isabella is getting married?” Her cousin, Isabella St. Clair was two and twenty. But she wasn’t engaged.
“Yes, she was proposed to by a Baron last fall.”
“Why did no one tell me?!”
“She wrote the letter to both of us.” John shrugged.
“Then why did I not see this famous letter?!” She glared.
“Ermmmm…”
“I think your brother may have forgotten to give it to you.” Her father smiled softly.
“Yes. Of course he has. And you wonder why I say if Kilmartin goes to him, everything will be ruined.” She rolled her eyes and turned her attention back on the window, ignoring every word John was saying.
Her mother was already in London, and now, she guessed it had something to do with Isabella getting married. Grandma Violet passed away during her first season in 1848, it’s probably why Janet hated the London season so much. But with her being gone, there was no left to help Aunt Hyacinth prepare for her only daughter’s wedding.
She guessed that all her aunts were busy, especially aunt Lucy who had two nine year olds running around. So her mother left earlier to help Aunt Hyacinth and Isabella prepare for the wedding.
As they arrived, they got off the train and went to Kilmartin House.
“Tell papa I’m going to uncle Anthony’s house.” She said to John.
“I think you’re supposed to ask permission, not give notice.” John rolled his eyes.
“And I think you were supposed to ask mama’s permission before joining a Gentlemen’s club.” She raised an eyebrow.
“Blackmail? Really?”
“Tell him that I left ten minutes after I leave.” She smiled evilly, kissed his cheek and walked out.
“You owe me Jan!”
“Do you want mama to know you’ve been spending some nights at a pub in the village with a courtesan?” She raised an eyebrow. When she heard nothing from him, she smiled and left.
When she arrived, the butler announced her arrival and led her to the drawing room.
“Oh look who’s here! The Merry Rakess!” Miles shouted as he downed his whiskey and Edmund burst into laughter.
“Oh look, the Bridgerton boys are drunk and it’s not even noon.” She glared and turned to see Mary. “How is my favorite debutant?” She smiled.
“Nervous.” Mary giggled. “But I think it shall be wonderful.”
“Father has given her permission to dance with only three gentlemen at her first ball.” Edmund snickered.
“I’m afraid that was his idea. Papa wasn’t very bad before Ned mentioned wandering hands to him.” Mary threw a flower at Edmund but it hit Miles.
“Hey! I’m on your side! I’m the reason you’re having three instead of one!” Miles groaned. Mary just smiled apologetically and turned to Janet. “You’re very lucky you have only one brother.”
“Stop harassing your cousin.” Anthony came inside and gave Janet a kiss. “You get taller each time I see you.”
“It annoys John. I used to wear flats but now I wear shoes with a little heel, just to annoy him.” Janet hugged Anthony.
“She also believes that her height intimidates her dance partners enough to make sure they behave themselves.” Edmund yelled as he walked out of the drawing room.
“Where is aunt Kate?”
“She is with Charlotte. The woman’s children are annoying.” Miles groaned.
“What loving brothers you have, Mary.” Janet rolled her eyes.
“Yes, well at least now we know why their wives will kill them as soon as they produce heirs.” Mary giggled.
“And what loving daughter you have uncle Anthony. I’m beginning to think that the only good hearted person in this family is Charlotte.”
Anthony looked at Janet for a second, as if trying to find an answer. When he didn’t come up with any, he just shrugged and walked away.
“Now Mary, let us go see the dress you will wear tonight.” Janet smiled as they walked to Mary’s room.
***
Janet always knew flying too close to a flame will burn the moth but she also knew that once the moth was infatuated with the flame, it was impossible to fly far enough to be safe. The moth could try not to get too close to burn, it couldn’t go much far, it would always fly at a distance that made it hot as if it was under the sun in a desert.
“Well if it isn’t Lady Janet Stirling.” A voice, deep yet soft, spoke behind her. She stiffened for one second before turning around and smiling at the man who had interrupted hers and Mary’s lovely evening. That voice wasn’t just familiar. She knew who it belonged to. How could she forget it?
Her arm was linked with Mary’s so she had to turn to the man as well. Janet saw the light of intrigue in Mary’s eyes. Well of course, how could she not be intrigued? The man was very tall, handsome and very well dressed. Exactly the type of man Mary could hope to marry one day.
“May I introduce Miss Mary Bridgerton, daughter of Viscount Bridgerton? This is her first official ball.” Janet smiled sweetly at the man and he nodded.
“Lovely to have made your acquaintance Miss Bridgerton.” He smiled and waited for Janet to introduce him.
“If you are waiting for me to introduce you, you are terribly mistaken. I want my cousin safe and you are the opposite of safe.” She smiled wickedly and turned away with Mary.
“Why did you do that?” Mary asked as she tried to look back to see him.
“He is not for your dearest. He is all but trouble and also I saw Miles and Alexander glaring daggers at me, I don’t wish to die at their hands because I introduced you to the wrong person.”
“If he is such bad news, how do you know him?” Mary glared at Janet.
“I assure you, I don’t know him from my own amusement and when I was introduced to him I didn’t know the levels of danger he possessed.”
Mary nodded, walked towards her mother who smiled as she introduced her to a gentleman. Edmund was standing next to them, glaring at the man.
Men’s world was very rough, Her father always said. That it wasn’t a place where a young lady should want to be, but damn all the heavenly things she was promised for staying away, she loved the men’s world. The free drinking and gambling, the freedom to do what they pleased when they pleased it, to be able to marry at any given moment between nineteen and five and sixty, to be desired by the ladies of society even when they are well past the age of five and twenty, to be free to travel and whore around without it hurting their virtue and character.
It was not fair at all in her opinion. Women weren’t allowed to drink whiskey, to gamble, to whatever it was they wanted. They wouldn’t be able to marry even if they are past the age of twenty five, they would be considered spinsters and nothing was less desirable to a man than a spinster. A woman past the age of twenty three was not much desired by the men of society, there must be something wrong with her that no one else married her. They could travel alone and freely and they could sleep with whoever it was they desired with it bringing shame to their families, unlike women. No, a woman’s world was not fair at all.
She hated this, hated the way society treated women. Mary was to stand there, in a beautiful ball gown and be looked down upon by men to see if she was pretty enough, if she danced well enough to be their wife and bear their children. Love was so rare, Janet always wondered how her aunts and uncles have been able to find it.
She caught sight of her mother, Isabella and a man exactly Isabella’s height and she walked towards them.
“Oh look, it’s that cousin of yours who did not offer congratulations to us.”
“Oh look, it’s the man who is making enemies with someone who could be on his side.” Janet narrowed her eyes.
“Janet!” Her mother scolded.
“No aunt Francesca, as much as I hate to admit such a thing, Janet is right. Darling, this is Lady Janet Stirling, my cousin who probably did not see the letter I sent her because she has a horrible brother.” She smiled knowingly at Janet. “This is Lord Scott Ackerley, the man I am marrying.” He bowed his head towards Janet.
“Nice to meet you my lord.” Janet smiled wryly and curtsied. “I’m glad dearest Isabella has found someone who makes her happy, Lord knows I can’t find someone who can stand me.” Janet smiled at Isabella.
“Why? Are you so very unique that you are not compatible with anyone?” Lord Ackerley asked genuinely.
“No my lord, according to a good source, I have no charm to impress men.” She laughed a little, making Isabella laugh too, most definitely out of pity while Scott just stared at her. And with that she walked away to the terrace, wanting to breathe air.
“Ah, What brings you to the terrace?” William asked, his green eyes boring in Janet’s blue one. John looked just like her mother while she was an exact copy of her father besides her eyes. Her eyes were as blue as her mother’s.
“Isabella and her happy engagement.” She sighed. “Do you think she loves him?” She asked William as she turned to him.
“I believe so, although I must admit that I have not been in their presence enough to have an accurate conclusion.” William replied as he smoked his cigar. “I prefer living in that house near “My Cottage”. And I arrived in London a week ago. I met him a week ago. I don't know him well enough to give you a definite answer.”
“I miss the old times, William. When we were all children and the only ones who were old enough to marry were Amelia, Belinda and Caroline. When we were all too young to think about such things. The times when I came to stay in London with Grandmama Violet and we all played with each other, before you boys all left for Eton and us girls started getting balls.”
“You yearn for a time that has passed Janet. You must accept that.” He offered his cigarette to Janet which she declined.
“Let me count the cousins that I have not seen in the last year because they are old and married now, because they grew up:” She glared at him as she started bringing up a finger with each name. “Amelia, Belinda, Caroline, Oliver, Amanda, David, Charles, Charlotte, Violet, Agatha, Georgiana, Katherine, Hermione. Thirteen of us are all gone now! And soon Isabella will join the mix. Daphne is coming out this year as well and something tells me she will marry this year so she will be gone as well. I don’t want us to grow up William. I want us all to stay children and play pall mall with each other and laugh at our parents while they try to catch us.” Her tears were about to spill now. This is why she loved Scotland, she could forget how terrible it was to grow up and lose touch.
“Our parents were brothers and sisters, Janet, that is why they were able to keep in touch. Charles finds it much easier to just keep in touch with Violet, Alexander and I rather than thirty one cousins, most of them so much younger than him.” William sighed. “Times move on, so must we. One day you will understand when you have your own family. It will be easier if it’s just siblings.”
“What if I never marry? Who will be in touch with me then? If what you say is true, all I will have is John and his family. I shall be forever alone. I will lose everyone.” Janet dried her tears.
“It’s not like Janet and you know, we will all write to you and visit you.”
“That’s very easy for you to say, William. You have three people to lean on when you grow old. I only have one. And you live here, in England where you might see some of our other cousins and keep in touch with them.” She stared into his eyes, her tears now gone.
“I’m in Scotland, I shall never see anyone unless it is the social season. Did you know Isabella wrote a collective letter for John and I to give news of her engagement? She didn’t even bother to write us separate letters. And I know that’s not the same for others. One day I will be forgotten from the letter because I am in Scotland and no one will see me enough to remember me. And I have so much charm that men avoid me at these affairs. The men at the clubs call me the Merry Rakess because of that little incident in my debut season. Would you want to marry a woman who is called the Merry Rakess?” She asked genuinely.
“Since I know the real story, I would. It was an accident.”
“People have forgotten the real story. All everyone remembers is that the daughter of the Merry Rake is a terrible and wanton woman, that she has been looking for carnal pleasure ever since she was eighteen years old.”
William just stared and didn’t say anything. She was right. That is what they thought, every man in London believed Lady Janet Stirling to be a fallen woman. During her first ball, she had tripped on her own feet and fell on her dance partner. What everyone saw was Lady Janet kissing him as she laid on him in the middle of the dance floor. She had sprained her ankle as she fell so when she couldn’t walk for a month, some people seemed to believe that she actually tripped and that it was an accident. But the gossip would never let anyone believe her story.
What was worse was that when John was seventeen and freshly out of Eton, he had taken Janet with him to a club. Janet was wonderful at gambling, she was undefeated. And living a sheltered life in Scotland, it hadn’t occurred to her that she shouldn’t be there. Only after several men made a pass at her did she understand what was going on and ran out of the club. David, Edmund and Oliver had worked tirelessly for weeks to make sure no one actually recognized Janet and that if they had, they were bribed to keep their mouths shut, but after the dance floor incident, the gossip about that started coming up as well, and before they could contain it, Janet had been seen flirting with men thrice her age in clubs since she was sixteen years old.
“That’s what I thought.” Janet smiled painfully and took the cigarette out of his hand and smoked a puff.
“I’ll write to you, and I’ll visit you every summer.” He tried to remedy the situation.
“They all say that, that’s what Katherine said, what Isabella said and what Charlotte said. I’m too hurt to believe that lie again. When you marry, your priorities change and you’ll forget the stupid little girl who used to read your poems with excitement at Christmas.”
“Janet…”
“Leave it be William, I’ve accepted my fate. I just wish to rant and rave about it.”