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There was a feeling inside me that lingered after I had heard Hannah’s final tape. Was that really all there was? I sat on the edge of my bed with my hands together, staring blankly at the floor as I thought about it. That sometimes, there was more hidden away. More to be heard. The tapes were still with me, under my bed where I always kept them. I had already tried listening to tape 7 side B and it was just empty silence for 5 minutes before I gave up.
What was I looking for? Was I that desperate for one last piece of Hannah’s voice? One last explanation to add to the ones she’d already given? I bent down and slowly pulled out the box of cassettes. I sat back on my bed and took a deep breath as I took the seventh tape out and placed it into Tony’s walkman. I caught a glimpse of a bird flying in the distance outside of my window. The sky was gray and overcast. The soft muted light from the early evening shined into my room. I turned my eyes back to the walkman. I put my headphones on and pressed play.
Thirty minutes. That’s how long this tape could record for.
I laid down on my bed and began listening, staring at the ceiling.
I let my thoughts wander. I thought about Hannah, about how much things sucked and hurt. I glanced over to my clock. About 20 minutes had passed and still there was nothing but silence.
At least I tried. I stayed to listen when most people would've just stopped after they had heard the last tape, I owe Hannah that much, I thought to myself.
As if my effort would somehow cause a stir in the universe and make something right, somehow. I wasn’t counting on hearing anything when at the 25 minute mark, I heard it.
It was her voice.
My heart stopped for a moment. I had to pause it. I couldn't do it. I’d found what I’d been looking for but now that I had found it, I just couldn’t listen. I ripped my headphones off and sat up. I placed my face into my palms, sobbing. After a few minutes, I put my headphones back on and pressed play with my shaking finger.
“Clay? Helmet? It’s you isn’t it? You’re still here listening to me aren’t you? I know you are, no one else could possibly still be listening up to this point. Everyone else would have just stopped and moved on with their lives. But you didn’t, did you?” Hannah said, softly, sobbing a little.
I was too.
Of course Hannah! I’ll always listen to whatever you have to say. I'll always be...be there...for you, I thought to myself as I listened to Hannah’s now ghostly voice, remembering that there was no being there for her anymore.
“I’m sorry it has to be this way Helmet. This is it. My very last recording and it’s all for you.”
I closed my eyes tight and bit my lips. I paused the walkman again. My heart was beating so fast and my hands were sweating. I shivered as I sat against the bedroom wall. I took a breath and then resumed play.
“You’ve already heard the other tapes by now and that's all I have to say about my reasons why. This tape isn’t another reason why. It’s about...about the reasons why I loved you. For what it’s worth, I do. And I hope you did too,” Hannah explained, in a soft, empty voice. Tears poured from my eyes like a river during rainfall. God damn it Hannah. I love you and I shouldn’t have left you alone.
“I’ve always admired your willingness to be yourself despite everything. Your tenacity to keep going. All of which I don’t have. I…I wish things could be different, and that we could be together. You were the only light in my world. And I wish there were more people like you. If there was, you wouldn't be listening to me now. You're kind, smart, and funny. Like I said before, none of this is your fault and could never have been your fault. I’m sorry, Helmet, for leaving you to go on without me. And for god sakes, please don’t try to join me. Maybe we’ll meet again, but please don’t let it be so soon. Find a reason to live, Helmet. Find what I couldn’t.”
I paused the tape again, got off my bed and stood up on the floor, sobbing as I held my eyes closed, holding the walkman tight.
I wish you were still with me Hannah. And there’s no reason for you to be sorry, for anything.
I hit play. I could hear Hannah breathing softly before continuing.
“Well, this is it. The end. I’m sorry Clay. It has to end here. I hope you find someone, someone that isn’t like me. Don’t hurt yourself over me Helmet. My time has passed. I need to go. There’s nothing left for me here. Just…just remember me, Helmet. Goodbye and…I love you.”
Hannah please…please don’t go.
But she was already gone.
The tape stopped playing. It had run out.
I opened my watery eyes as melancholy swept over my body. I had been pacing slowly around my room as I listened. I quickly took off my headphones and put down the walkman. I was sweating and shaking. The sky outside had cleared a little and a few rays of sunshine came through the window. I stood there in silence until I felt my heartbeat and breathing calm.
I couldn't just pass the tapes on to Bryce or anyone else. Not before I transferred the ghost track to digital. I needed to have it. I needed to keep it. And then, Bryce’s confession could be recorded over the b side of tape 7. Leaving only me and Hannah to ever know about her very last recording.