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“class monitor?” kiana calls out and she appears beside them, there but also not.
“is everything alright?”
“just need your opinion on this.”
kiana asks for simple things, opinions, directions, even if they know what they’re doing.
they just need this… facsimile, of hua. they need whatever’s left of her to stay because kiana isn’t sure how to cope without.
-
it’s quiet for once. kiana’s taken care of the honkai tonight.
they reach out to tug, to get hua’s attention, and grasp thin air.
kiana stares at the string around their finger; cut, but not cleanly, more so ripped, like hua was torn from them.
“fuck.”
they kick their legs out into the open space, the metal beam that they’re sat on being the only thing keeping them from falling to the roads beneath.
red and gold catches their eye and kiana notices the feather beside them for the first time tonight.
“how long have you been there?”
“not long. do you want me to go?”
“no! no. stay. it’s lonely up here,” kiana rushes, desperate. they’re not sure they could ever tell her to go ever again.
this phantom sits beside kiana and kiana watches, makes note that she doesn’t seem to breathe, nor blink.
their eyes go back to their string and kiana wonders if one day they’ll lose this ghost of hua’s too.
-
“fu hua.” and she’s there at their side in an instant.
“hm?”
“are you re— no, uh, never mind.” kiana isn’t sure they want the answer to that question, again. it’s a harsh verbal reminder that their hua is gone.
“you look troubled.” the feather hums, drawing kiana from their thoughts.
“it’s nothing, i swear,” they’re never making a promise again, not unless it can be kept, “can we train? later?”
“of course. later.” she nods and there’s not even a hint of a smile there, not a glimpse of their hua.
kiana’s grief is choking, it crawls into their lungs and up their throat and as the feather turns to leave, kiana reaches out to grab the copy of hua, wants to ask if she’ll stay.
their fingertips fall right through and she’s gone.
-
kiana settles down in their base, making sure things are in order for the night before intending to sleep.
they’re not going to sleep really, they’re going to train with hua— the feather— instead.
“do you remember what i told you last time?” they hear her voice and kiana nods, readying their guns with a deep breath in.
“focus, kiana.”
“i am.”
they’re not, they can’t, but they have to fight regardless.
the feather watches them and kiana feels her gaze wholly, almost weighed down with it.
it becomes too much when a bullet misses and kiana winces from a sudden pain, hands flying up to cradle their head.
“stop,” but hua’s voice sounds so far away, sounds cold and empty.
a deep breath in, and then out. kiana’s hands burn from training and their cheeks feel wet but there’s no tears.
“kiana.”
they let go of their head, moving slowly to face the feather.
“sorry,” is all they say.
“try again. be more careful.”
so kiana tries again.
-
the cycle repeats until kiana can’t take it anymore, head pounding as they let their guns clatter to the ground.
“i need to stop.” and exhaustion must be evident in their voice for the facsimile of hua to keep quiet, to not push them any further.
kiana feels their eyes sting with tears and blinks them back, breathing in.
she’s right there but the string around their finger is still torn and frayed.
she’s right there but kiana’s grasp goes through when they reach out.
she’s right there but she’s still dead.
and kiana sobs because how are they supposed to keep their promise to himeko?
live, kiana.
and all they want to do is die.
it’s not fair.
“kiana.”
“shut up, please just, shut up,” it’s so cruel, to be left with nothing but a ghost of her, in a world that is even more so.
the feather stands there, watching.
kiana swallows back a sob and stumbles over, expecting to fall right through.
when they don’t, when hua catches them and doesn’t let go, kiana remembers that they’re not out there, awake and fighting the honkai on the streets of arc city.
no, they’re safe here.
“you’re not really her.”
“no, i’m not. i’m sorry.”
“you’ll leave me too, won’t you?”
“eventually, yes, i have no control over that.”
kiana doesn’t understand why hua would leave them with this remainder of her, kiana doesn’t think they’ll ever know.
it hurts, everything about it hurts, that they’re sure of.
kiana holds on tighter, buries their head in her shoulder and shakes with every breath they take.
“if it makes it easier,” the feather begins, holding on tighter in response, “you can pretend.”
yes, they can play pretend, in here.
not out there, not where kiana has to face what they’ve done as a herrscher, not where they have to fight for their life.
not where they have to live without her, without a red string.
“okay.”
it’s safe here, in hua’s arms.