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“Javier, why are you here, sitting alone outside, instead of dancing with one of the numerous ladies whose eyes you've caught?”
Lloyd had gone out onto the balcony in search of his knight, finding him resting in a chair with one hand on his head.
Downstairs was filled with loads of sounds that interfered with each other at different volumes and frequencies. Bright colors came and went from room to room, the vibrations of constant motion not doing any favors either. It was exhausting, so Javier had gone outside to calm down the overwhelming feeling caused by his swordmaster syndrome. All that constant stimulation was driving him crazy—his head throbbed, struck by a headache, and he could barely hear through the disconcerting ringing echoing in his ears. Who could say that a village so small would be so rowdy? Their celebration began at sunrise and continued throughout the day without pause. If only he could get through the closing ceremony, he would be rewarded with a peaceful sleep induced by Lloyd's soothing lullabies.
Assured by the fact that the village they were visiting was near unknown and any dangers wouldn't be as harmful as the ones they faced before, Javier sneaked past Lloyd when he started talking with the other guests, just so he could rest in a quieter place.
But of course, they couldn't be apart for long, could they?
“Always eating or drinking in a corner. Is this a game I don't understand? Are you playing 'The Handsome Mysterious Lad' role for attention?”
“Master Lloyd, I am not interested in engaging with ladies. The only reason why I'm here is because this way you won't complain about me getting mistaken as a noble.” Lloyd crossed his arms, eyes planting on Javier, demanding sincerity. “I needed time. This place is overwhelming,” he confessed.
Lloyd went back in only to come out again, this time with an extra chair and an untouched tray of snacks. Putting the chair next to his escort, he sat down and placed the tray on his lap.
“I know, might as well give you some company before we head back to the inn,” he said, handing him a glazed sweet.
Traces of humidity were left in the air after a rain covered the sky just a few hours ago, reason why people gathered inside in the first place; the dirt streets had turned into muddy paths difficult to cross, remains of the drizzle slipped off some roofs, falling and accumulating in puddles. It was one of the few nights where the moon was absent, making it difficult to see if it weren't for the colorful lanterns that adorned the balcony. Javier let his eyes rest by closing them, so Lloyd was left admiring the way the light emitted from the lanterns reflected off his silver hair.
They had been invited to close an agreement regarding coal sales, but ended up tangled at the village's Harvest Festival. As soon as things calmed down and it was guaranteed that no one would disturb them, they would leave to get some rest before having to ride all the way back to the barony.
“Thank you,” Javier finally said, now in a visible better state. The ringing in his ears was gone and his senses had dimmed. Ironically, the presence of Lloyd allowed him to let his guard down, reason why he cherished every moment they shared like that. “I thought you would rather keep trying to advertise your work.”
“I was getting bored and overwhelmed as well. The people here are party addicts who won't talk business unless I 'leave it all aside and dance along', but even if I wanted to, I have no idea how.”
Said townspeople were quite intense when it came to festivities, it was a miracle to find someone sober or awake by then. Every conversation Lloyd tried to start was cut short in seconds, but dare he try to leave, they would discreetly block possible exits and find excuses for him to stay. Not that he wanted to be rude or disliked enjoying himself, but he definitely had more important things to do.
“How is there a nobleman who does not know how to dance?” Javier scoffed as he wiped the sugar off his hands.
“It's not like you know either, do you?”
“My whole life was dedicated to knighthood, hence why I never learned to. You, on the other hand, rejected the opportunity several times.”
Lloyd was suddenly filled with the urge to slap Javier's smile off. He didn't need to think twice, for there was a way. Placing the nearly empty tray on the floor, he got up brushing off the crumbs caught on his clothes.
“Dance with me.”
“Huh?”
“You heard me. Unless you want to return to the inn through the chaos, or sit here doing nothing until dawn, that is.”
Javier held out his hand as he stood up, not hesitating a bit to accept the proposal.
“Let us dance, then.”
Lloyd took the offered hand, its coldness contrasting with the warmth of his. He and Javier placed their free hands on each other's shoulders, closing the position. As much as they were together almost all of the time, physical contact was not usual, the touch brought an electrifying current that ran through their nerves and accelerated their heart rate, but neither showed any sign of having felt anything.
Once assimilated the comfort of the posture and the beat of the music coming from inside, they nodded to begin. They swayed with a slow, inconsistent pace, barely managing to spin twice. It was bearable until Lloyd stepped, definitely not by accident, on Javier's foot.
“Watch out,” Lloyd said, a smirk lifting on his face with challenging eyes sparkling along.
“You were the one who stepped on me,” Javier claimed.
“Because you're moving too far forward.”
Another swing later, Javier pulled Lloyd without bothering to hide his intention to annoy, causing him to falter.
“Seriously?”
“I thought you said I was too far forward.”
Lloyd didn't respond. On his next chance, he entangled his leg with Javier's, who lost his balance for a second.
If that was how it was going to be, then so be it.
The pace quickened. A mere movement well done was followed by pushing, pulling or stepping in any way. Still, their grip remained tight, never letting the other go… then Lloyd tried to nudge Javier, but stumbled over the appetizer tray and stepped on a leftover snack.
“Shi—”
Everything around him rose when he slipped, nearly falling down if a hand hadn't caught him from his lower back. Javier maintained that hold as he helped him compose himself.
“Careful, sir. I would not want to carry you out and return the favor so soon if you sprain yourself,” he said, lifting his chin with a grin.
“You are in a good mood now, huh? I fainted getting us out back at that den, but was I thanked after that? Was I? You're welcome.”
“That wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't shielded you from the blast in the first place. You're welcome, too.”
Javier couldn't even move his hand back to his shoulder; Lloyd continued the dance without warning. Together, they meandered all around the balcony floor, the movements becoming frantic and the remaining clouds spinning twice as fast.
It was a competition between who could annoy the other the most. A spontaneous, clumsy excuse of a dance.
At some point, Javier pulled a little too hard and brought Lloyd closer than before. They stopped as their faces held still a few inches apart from each other.
Blood rushed with all its might through Lloyd's veins when he saw Javier's pupils dilate, the blue from his eyes becoming no more than a thin frame. Javier's chest tingled at the sound of his partner's breathing out of rhythm, feeling its warmth and the pulse of his heart pounding. He thanked his keen senses as never before.
It was certainly not the first time they found themselves in a similar situation. Every time it happened, they held back the impulse to act. If doubt didn't intervene, they were at risk of being seen by someone, or it just wasn't the right time. But now there was nothing and no one to stand in the way.
Lloyd grabbed Javier by his neckwear and brought their lips together, closing his eyes in frustration. Just when his grip was about to let go, a hand held the back of his head to keep him close. Javier parted his lips for more intimate contact. Needless to say, there wasn't any refusal at all—Lloyd let go of the piece of clothing and instead put his arms around Javier's neck. A flame burned within their chests, as if consuming the haste with which they gave in at first. As soon as they broke apart to breathe, their gazes met, wrapped in both wonder and realization.
The hand holding the back of Lloyd's head slid off. Arms hesitated to, but in the end, they let go as well.
Both took a few steps back, even if that small distance was heartbreaking.
The atmosphere would have been hollow if it weren't for the people's chatter overlapping the music coming from below. Their lips were still tickling in a trance, and although Lloyd and Javier refrained, something inside them begged them to look at each other once more, seeking to understand if it was possible to run and hold into a warm, tight hug without worrying about how their bond might have changed. Everything was going well until that slight tension surfaced.
“This is awkward.” Lloyd broke the silence, hiding his hands in his pockets.
“It does not have to be.”
Both had been doubting their feelings for a long time, the confirmation only brought conflicts with themselves. Who could blame them? Neither wanted to risk undoing what they already had. If there was something they did want to do, it was to look the other way and assume that their lives would continue, this time with routines where they wouldn't have to wait for the next life or death situation to be honest with each other. Still, they wanted to keep the comfort of their banter and friendly teasing. They wanted everything to be… differently the same.
It didn't take long for them to accept that there was a line they had already crossed. Talking was the only thing left to do.
“I want to be with you,” Javier spilled, “all of the time, until the very end, whether it is as your knight or your lover. Let it be a secret or not, I will be there for you no matter what.” He reached into the pocket of his coat and gingerly pulled out a letter in a blue envelope, sealed with plain white wax. “And there is more to it. Please understand why I cannot say it all out loud.”
Lloyd was caught off guard. He blinked in surprise, taking the letter. A current thrilled them both once more when his thumb brushed Javier's, who pinned his gaze over him as he removed the seal. It was a love letter. A bit wrinkled, but still decent.
Cursive letters filled every corner of the papers inside, their neatness fading and becoming scrawled by the end of the text. Lloyd's eyes drifted through the words, the way he scanned every sentence over and over increasing the nervousness within Javier. He bit his inner lip.
Nothing was guaranteed, even if he was letting out his most repressed words.
After all, he could still be rejected, perhaps even should be. It was unsure how inappropriate it was for them to be together that way, or if they would even work. Javier could never understand why he started falling for him in the first place, as if all that despise had vanished, giving way to a deep care that he had only heard described by other people, but never experienced himself.
Out of the whole world, it was that annoying, greedy, persuasive young man who made his heart race.
Javier's biggest concern arose. The one derived from suspicions, and that he prayed would never happen; that the Lloyd he knew could turn back into who he was before. Because it was certain that they were not the same person. And if they were—if he was, what would it cost for him to return to his old habits?
Then again, the one reading the letter was a sober nobleman, shining eyes and a cute side bang falling across his face, the corners of his mouth involuntarily curving with endearment. An image that lifted the weight inside Javier's chest away, and set the will to leave his uncertainties and doubts aside to blindly trust in the change.
As for Lloyd, he was captivated. Of course that dreamlike, attractive knight was great at expressing himself after receiving hundreds of love letters. The wording and descriptions made Lloyd fear his lips might bleed from how hard he was pressing them, they set his stomach aflame in a way he had never felt before.
It all waned as he reached the end of the letter; a take on the reasons why they couldn't be together, listed in a faceless voice. Lloyd compared the unwritten ones to a disheartening din that thundered through his judgment.
It is true that Suho had always platonically loved Javier as the protagonist in "Knight of Blood and Iron", but things had taken a sudden twist. One night, the novel became reality and stronger feelings began to unfold. It wasn't about a character anymore. Javier was a person that he could engage with, that he could see, talk to, hold… someone who didn't know the real him at all.
Guilt pooled in his throat. Those words and feelings were not directed to him, but his distorted self as Lloyd Frontera, were they?
The fear of disappointing or hurting Javier crossed his mind every time he dared admit his loving thoughts. What he did was thoughtless, incomparable to the many scams he did and everything he took from others to his advantage. Javier's heart was stolen through an identity fraud, no matter how impossible it was to control his emotions, Suho had to take responsibility for them never coming out, but he ended up being to blame for it. A small pain squeezed his chest, yet as soon as he dared to look Javier in the eye, he met a fond gaze being directed at him. It triggered so much love and tenderness that guilt no longer mattered.
Suho did not feel like he was forcing his attitude the whole day, and his new body didn't make him feel out of place nor uncomfortable as it did at first. He had developed a new identity with traces of his own, it was still him and would always be.
Those intentions, desires, emotions… everything expressed in the letter, it really was for him. That fact lit up his soul and soothed his senses.
When Lloyd finished reading, a detail caught his attention.
“Why isn't it signed?”
“I was planning to give it to you anonymously when I got the chance.”
“You know I would have recognized your handwriting, right?”
Of course he knew. Javier overthought every single way there was to give him that letter, as he did with possible outcomes, but decided to take the risk anyway. If Lloyd had recognized and rejected him, he would have said it was just mocking out of pity.
“…I hadn't thought about that.”
His gaze shifted to the right. Lloyd noticed this, for he knows too damn well how Javier looks away when he lies. For his own good, he let it slip and carefully put the letter in his pocket.
“So you just carried this everywhere waiting for the chance to come?”
“I did not. After a while I decided it was best to keep it to myself.”
“Oh.”
Eyes widened, Lloyd stared at Javier. Although his gaze was not tinged with pity, but a strange mixture of understanding and confusion.
He did understand why Javier hadn't given him the letter. For the same reasons for which he had never dared to show signs of his interest in him. What confused Lloyd was not knowing why he would keep it after giving up the possibility of being accepted.
Truth is that Javier had been keeping it as a contrast between his emotions and common sense. A way to hold onto the illusion of having Lloyd by his side, but recognizing its implications and what was most likely to happen instead. Admitting it was not in his plans.
The nobleman's gaze was lost on the knight's, just as it did when he was deep in thought. As much as Javier would find that habit amusing —and take the opportunity to stare back— the case was different this time. All the warmth and emotion that they exchanged during that stupid but meaningful dance was drained. He soon deduced that he was being ignored, or was Lloyd thinking of the softest way to reject him? Perhaps he was right, and his feelings were never meant to come out.
“I'll understand if you need time to think things through, you can discard the letter. We can talk properly at the inn.” Javier brushed past Lloyd toward the door, ignoring his attempts to protest. The knob creaked as his grip threatened to turn it. “Do not push yourself into saying something, it would pain me more if you spoke out of pity or lies,” he said, unaware of his words hitting bullseye.
Javier barely managed to open the door, Lloyd had grabbed his arm and stopped him. The way his jaw clenched and his brow furrowed clearly showed how desperate he was. Nothing could change reality, it was his turn to speak.
“I may not have a letter, but I do have many things to tell you, and I cannot ease you into all of them! It's not that I don't want to, but it's hard for me when there's so much I don't even know if you can understand. Even stupid things, like how I despise the way you become the target of every woman who sees you, or how I tend to look at you at night after putting you to sleep. How I'm awed by you and your outstanding skills. How I find it cute that you insist on sitting next to me and making sure I eat or rest, even though I complain saying that I'm too busy for that. How sometimes I miss being in a coma and listening to you apologizing, describing the day or talking about the way you missed me and my 'disgusting face'! Javier, you are the closest person I have. I trust you, I told you before, and I know you trust me too. I could never bear to lose that.
“And there is more, so much more than you can't be aware of yet. But the one thing I can let you know and that I'm certain is even truer than myself is that I love you.” In an abrupt pause, Javier felt the tight grip on his arm release. “I love you, Javier Asrahan.”
To Javier, those last words teemed his self with a neverending enthusiasm.
“And I love you.”
To Lloyd, the world seemed to skip a beat.
They reached for the other in an embrace. Every fiber of their bodies sparked with such force that a tingling had taken over this hands and chests. Added to this was how they received a tense but comforting sensation, the softness of their clothes feeling like the only barrier keeping their souls from rising away. They rested their heads on each other's shoulders as they had so desired and let their heartbeats synchronize.
“You're a fool, you realize that? Why do you always have to rush into things? It's unfair how you could carefully write your heart down while I had to yell mine out.”
“Perhaps if you hadn't stood there staring at me…” Javier laughed gently.
“Oh, so I'm not allowed to process my first love letter without you threatening to walk away!” Lloyd complained, pulling back just enough to look him in the eye.
“I suggested continuing the conversation at the inn to make things easier for both of us, but you were not listening. For all that matters, I am your knight, I could never leave you.”
“That's not enough, I'll have you sign a contract so you are legally bound to stay with me.”
“There is no such thing.”
“Haven't you heard of marriage papers?” At the implication, Javier's eyes widened in surprise, he even tried to reply, but words failed him. “Too soon?”
“Even for me.”
They shared a laugh as they unconsciously pressed their foreheads together. That alone was enough for calm to finally wrap them.
“I want to be with you too, and I'm not saying it to please you, but because it's the truth.”
“That is all I needed to hear,” Javier admitted. If he had the chance, he would stay the rest of the night looking at Lloyd until dawn broke with its morning colors. But not only did they have to rest before returning home, they had to prepare for whatever came after leaving the vulnerability they were in at the moment. “What are we meant to do now?”
“I don't know about you, but I'd really like to get back and rest,” Lloyd answered in a muffled voice.
Unlike most times, he had no plan and no guide to tell him what the future would be like, so his best option was to change the subject and live the present. Javier understood that, neither of them believed that such moment would come, and leaving things for later didn't bother him at all if it meant that Lloyd wouldn't have to worry for a while.
“Of course, Lloyd.”
At the call of his name without honorifics over it, Lloyd's heart seemed to melt. He bit a smile back and pressed the hug tighter, rubbing his face against the opposite chest.
“Shall we dance one more time before we go?” Javier asked, his voice sounding warm and inviting.
Asking for a dance was one of the best things Lloyd did so far, and they still had time before the ceremony ended, so he did not hesitate to slide his arms until they were in the same position as the last one used. Javier imitated him after understanding his response.
They began to sway slightly, the first movement being made without the need for both of them to agree on it. Perhaps it was because, without noticing, they followed the pulse they now shared, or because they had registered the previous one in their minds.
The music that accompanied the place dictated the steps for everyone except them; they had created a beat of their own, even when they pushed their sides or dared to get in the way just to tease.
Wrong, playful dancing. Not a chance it could have been better, unless better meant finishing the piece the way the first one did. Seemed that was what Javier was thinking as he leaned Lloyd back, one arm around his waist—the other pressing between his shoulder blades, and pulled him into a soft and drawn out kiss. Lloyd held on tightly by his sleeves.
Blue light gleamed behind Javier as a notification slid down, visible only to Lloyd's eyes. If only he could enjoy the moment in peace without the system deciding to disturb…
His brow furrowed in annoyance as he read the message engraved in white letters.
[Luck embraces you as you experience every 13-year-old girl's dream]
'Shut up!' he shouted at the system in his mind.
As if they weren't going to love and dance the night away.