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i have a million things i wish to say to you, but i can’t find it in me to open my mouth. how does it feel, to speak so brashly, so freely ?
i want to know.
—
“hey, how would you like to try singing together?”
touya agrees to the request. it wouldn’t hurt, right? he’ll sing with this boy, and he’ll most likely not hate it.
right?
—
turns out, he was more than right. despite everything with his father and the struggles he put akito through– they stuck together. and, they have two new members.
instead of the ‘BAD DOGS’, they are now ‘VIVID BAD SQUAD’. a family, nearly as much as the tenma siblings are to him. or.. maybe even a little more.
—
“i miss you”
the words bounce in my head, i type them out on my phone, write them on paper, whisper it to myself when the moon is out and the world is silent, but to you? radio silence.
what would you say to me if i sent that text? how would you feel if you heard those words come out of my mouth? would it change anything, everything?
and yet, i want to.
—
“let’s sing”
you’ve been avoiding me, haven’t you? i want to stand there beside you, i want to be there, our voices mixing together into a symphony neither of us can get enough of, but. you aren’t here for me to ask.
“i miss you, let’s sing again..” but there’s nothing for me to miss and nothing for me to say and nothing for me to sing. you’re gone.
—
he’s sitting in his usual spot at ken’s counter, the seat next to him strikingly empty. the black coffee is still in the cup, long gone cold.
“what’s up with you,” ken asks, gruffly. “nothing like before, right?”
touya shakes his head, sighing. “akito’s been.. avoiding us all,” his eyes narrow, eyebrows coming together in concern before he adds “and overworking himself, on top of that.”
ken hums, wiping down the counter as they stew in thought.
“do you miss him?”
touya sputters– quite nearly letting out the words that sit heavy on his tongue. an takes this moment to walk in, kohane at her side, and announce: “we’ve found him.”
touya feels his chest tighten at the concept– would he finally come back?
“come on touya, let’s knock some sense into that partner of yours.” she scoffs, and kohane adds a wobbly “yeah, aoyagi-kun!”
he lets his eyes wander back to the empty chair. “yeah, let's.”
—
“you’re back?”
when i see your eyes again for the first time in weeks, it is the bright olive i thought about for days on end. the little yellow streak in your hair sent something through me– an emotion i cannot name. and yet i couldn’t speak to you.
a smile, a nod. somehow, even azusawa seems to speak to you before i find the words.
i don’t say what i want to, but it is close enough.
“akito. how are you?”
—
“hey, touya, would you listen to this song for me?”
touya pauses, setting down his coffee for a moment to turn to akito.
“a new piece you think we could cover..?”
“yeah, c’mere.”
akito tugs him in, and touya stumbles, elbowing his chest lightly. it’s warm, just like the rest of akito, and touya wants to curl up like a cat to soak it up.
he’s shaken out of his stupor by akito handing him a headphone.
‘maybe a little more.’
—
“i think about you too much.”
it’s a revelation i wasn’t prepared for. it’s a revelation i don’t want to acknowledge. i want to pretend that the things i feel for you are normal, platonic, friendly.
but.. you make me feel so much more than anyone else.
no, no. you are simply precious to me. nothing more, nothing less.
—
they’re in the sekai, loitering near the tables just outside crass cafe. akito is laughing at something, boisterous and loud– warm and light. it makes tendrils wrap around touya’s heart, squeezing out everything he feels gently until he is overwhelmed with emotion.
an huffs, kohane giggles quietly. touya smiles, he feels warm.
he feels at home, and–
he catches himself, just a little. withdraws his smile, withdraws himself.
he’s letting himself get a little too comfortable.
—
“i like being with you.”
it’s a foreign feeling, the comfort you bring me. it’s warm. it’s everything i ever wanted. it’s more than i ever imagined i would get– more than i deserve.
selfishly, i want it. i want you, i want this, i want it all.
—
they’re walking to school, as they always do, when touya realizes it’s getting colder. he shivers in the wind, having forgotten his heavier jacket at home.
akito glances at his shivering form, pulling him closer.
“i ain’t giving you my hoodie, but i won’t let you freeze either.” he says, quiet. touya silently lets their hands brush, blaming it on their proximity.
it’s.. nice .
oh. oh .
—
“hey, i like you.”
it wants to spill out of my lips, for his ears, only his. but i can’t. can’t say it, can’t do this, can’t ruin this.
but i want .
—
“do you like me?”
the question i nearly forgot to ask— why would i even say anything if i can just admire you. everything you say feels heavier. every time you touch me, it feels warmer. softer.
comfort. that is what you are. that is what i crave. you .
—
“what do you think of me?”
after that first question came to mind, more and more followed– a trainwreck of insecurity in essence.
what am i to you? a partner, simply someone to sing with because my voice is good enough– or more?
you’re more to me. you’re everything to me.
my freedom. my dreams. my future.
—
“i don’t want you to see me.”
what if you hate me, when you find out?
what if everything we’ve worked for, crumpled in face of the three words i ache to say? i don’t wish to risk it.
(and yet, acting like this chips at the foundation of us.)
—
he decides to skip library and head home instead. he’s greeted by kohane in her school uniform, talking with an at the gates. he wonders briefly why they’re here, why they’re in such tense conversation.
he nears, and an notices his near silent shuffle.
“speak of the devil,” she mutters, and kohane whirls around to face him.
“aoyagi-kun!” her eyebrows are furrowed tightly, lips set in a frown. “you haven’t been talking with shinonome-kun.”
“ah..?” he stutters, unsure what to make of the situation.
“did you two get into a fight again?” an’s glare is piercing and touya is confused.
“no, we are perfectly fine.. as far as i know,” he clears his throat, eyes flitting between the two females. “why do you ask?”
“akito’s always grumbling something related to you, and we haven’t seen either of you together despite how close you usually are.” an goes to pick at her nails. “it’s quite odd, seeing as both of you are so into each oth–”
“ah- an-chan!” kohane jumps, “you can’t just say that!”
“it’s true, kohane,” an whines. “i hate watching them dance around one another, over and over–”
touya makes a noise, high in his throat, akin to a dying whale.
the two turn to him, and he feels his throat clog as heat rushes to his face. touya blinks, waits a grand total of two seconds, before sprinting away.
matching choruses of his name are drowned out by the wind, and he makes the decision to never talk to them again if he can help it.
—
“i want to see you.”
i regret, everytime i catch a glimpse of your orange hair in the hallways. i wish, every night on the dying embers of stars in the sky. the moon reminds me of the first time we met– those words you offered to me.
how they’ve changed everything, and i cannot thank you enough.
—
“touya!”
it bounces through the halls, desperate and begging, and the dual toned haired boy turns the corner and disappears before the other can reach him. he heaves in another breath, hearing those ever so familiar footsteps slow to a stop. hears the voice he longs for muttering curses, the sound of a fist slamming into the wall. he wants to walk out, take his hands and berate him for acting so rashly, apologize, confess –
touya’s hand clenches around his shirt, but he can’t. he can’t, absolutely not, never in a million years could he say–
he shakes his head. avoids WEEKEND Garage, avoids akito and an and kohane. lets the ache in his heart grow and fester until it is a gaping urge to spill and he can barely breathe.
isolation, he thinks, isn’t helping.
—
“i love you.”
the conclusion i reached, the way my heart beats for you, unlike anything i’ve felt before. you make me feel alive– make everything better with a single smile, fake or not. you lift me higher than i thought i would ever go– and yet, i run.
then, it spills out of my lips. i can only pray you won’t hate me.
—
“touya.. what..?” akito’s voice is quiet, disbelieving.
his hands cover his mouth that had betrayed him. he said it.
“akito–” he starts, stops. breathes. “i love you.”
“you’re.. serious? this ain’t a joke, right?”
“you know i don’t know how to joke.”
“jesus, touya.. give a guy some warning at least? i wasn’t ready!”
“why would you..?” he trails off confused. akito runs his hands through his hair, sighing. touya braces for the worst.
“i like you too, okay? it’s a bit too much for me to say.. love right now, but–”
he stops at a sharp inhale, confused.
“touya?”
“akito.”
five syllables carry a lot more weight than one would think in this situation. a swirl of emotions on each letter, a mix of thoughts smushed into one word. those five syllables say everything and nothing at the same time– and yet.
akito reaches up to brush away tears that seemed to have formed in seconds, resting gently against touya’s face. touya’s hand comes up to cradle it closer to himself, relishing in the contact.
he catches himself, flinching away.
“you.. don’t hate me for this, right..?”
akito scoffs, incredulous. “i wouldn’t be acting like this if i hated you, would i?”
touya frowns, nodding slightly in lieu of a verbal response. he unintentionally curls in on himself, and akito sighs, gently taking his hands from where they stick to his sides.
“c’mon, we’re partners, right? you don’t have to hide from me.”
touya pinkens, nodding shallowly. “akito, do you mean–”
“only if you want it to,” he smirks.
“mm.. then, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to refer to me as your.. boyfriend?” touya squeezes slightly on their conjoined fingers.
“ah.” akito mumbles, reddening. “you really need to warn me before you say things like that, touya..”
touya tilts his head in a silent question, and akito doesn’t bother explaining himself.
they both smile, softly.
—
“ ”
there is nothing left that i have yet to say to you. i love you, i love you, i love you. and you love me back.
incredible. nearly impossible to believe, and yet you remind me every day– in your own way of course.
serving a warm cup of coffee along with a smile rivaling the sun, although not in size but warmth. taking my hands in yours. calling me your ‘partner’, and despite nobody realizing the difference, it made me feel a multitude of things.
i’ve dragged this on far too long. i hope you accept this love letter i wrote, ever so crudely, for both me and you. i hope you realize how much i love you despite being unable to express it how i want to. i hope you cherish this part of me as much as i cherish every inch of you.
you, who is my utopia. you, who has taken my heart. you, who has dyed my soul in your colors.