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"What do you mean he wants to talk with Hyunjin alone?! There's no way I'll leave him alone with a ghost!"
Felix's alarmed voice rung inside the room as his grip on his husband's arm tightened more. Jisung let out a small sigh. He kinda expected it from Felix. He glanced at Hyunjin, who was sitting beside Felix. His face was blank as he stared at his & Felix's intertwined hands.
Jisung pursed his lips in a thin line. He wouldn’t be able to do anything if Hyunjin kept being quiet like this. He wouldn’t be able to help any of them.
Suddenly he heard the soft unknown voice again. The ghost was trying to talk with him.
So, he listened.
"He said...” Jisung looked at Felix, “he said, he doesn’t mean any harm to you guys. He could never harm..." He paused before stealing another glance at the silent male beside Felix, "…. Hyunjin."
He watched as Hyunjin’s eyes widened slightly at that. Hyunjin had to say something. Anything. For the betterment of both sides.
"But!" Felix was about to protest again when Hyunjin squeezed his hand, making him look back at his husband with worries etched all over his face.
Hyunjin looked up at his husband. His voice was firm as he finally voiced his decision.
"I wanna talk with him."
Jisung sighed in relief. Before giving assuring glance at the brown-headed ghost beside him.
10minutes later, Hyunjin was finally left alone in his son- Jeongin’s room. It was hard to make Felix leave him alone with the said ghost, who Hyunjin claimed to be his dead best friend. Felix was reluctant to leave him alone in the room, but soon he agreed when his husband heard his desperate requests.
Hyunjin was sitting on the edge of the bed as he looked around the empty room, in a futile attempt to see the ghost who wanted to talk with him. When he couldn’t see anyone even after a minute, he started to think they were most probably scammed by Jisung...
Until he suddenly heard a very familiar soft voice calling out his name in a gentle whisper as if they were cautious not to scare him.
Hyunjin's head shot up, eyes wide with disbelief as he desperately looked in every direction to find the owner of the voice. Tears of desperation & frustration were clouding his vision when he found no one else there. Hyunjin wanted to see him. He wanted to see the man behind the soft voice so bad. One more time.
"I'm just in front of you, Jinnie."
A tear slowly rolled down his eyes as he heard the familiar voice once again after so many years. His heart was aching from the emotions that suddenly started running wild once again in his whole being. For eight years, he had buried this emotion in his heart, & now they were roaring out like wildfire.
“Minnie..” He breathed out. The firmness in his voice was nowhere to be found now as the emotions took over his mind & heart.
“I missed you so much!” A whisper. But it rang loudly in both their ears, full of longing & pain. It was full of grief, for losing his most important person, hitting him again.
It had been 8years since they fought that night. 8 years since Seungmin walked out of this very apartment, with tears in his eyes. 8 years of Hyunjin last saw his best friend, his soulmate. 8 years of Seungmin went missing & never came back to him.
He never thought Seungmin would come back to him after 8yrs. At least not like this... Not like a wandering spirit of a dead person.
He wanted his best friend back, but not like this...never like this.
"How have you been?"
Hyunjin stared at the white wall in front of him as he tried to imagine Seungmin’s lean figure leaning against it, arms crossed over his chest. A gentle smile on his face as the boy asked the question.
Just like before.
"It... had been tough... without you at first.” Hyunjin took a deep breath, wiping his tongue over his dry lips. “You know... How I was... I needed you on every step, to make every decision...” A wry smile stretched on his lips as the memories started to resurface in his mind.
“I needed you all the time." Hyunjin lowered his head to hide his glassy eyes as he whispered the last line.
"It was so fucking hard without you, Minnie.” His voice was shaking. “I was so lost when I couldn’t-" His throat was closing up on him, "-when I couldn’t find you anywhere. It was so scary to spend every single minute without you.”
"Your mom, me, Changbin hyung... We went crazy when you disappeared after... after that night. It was so fucking hard to live without you, Minnie…. So hard that I wanted to give up everything."
Hyunjin closed his eyes, trying to ease the pain even though he knew it wasn't going to work. It never worked.
"But you managed. You managed so well without me & I'm proud of you for that Jinnie."
Hyunjin could tell Seungmin was sincere; his voice gave it away. It held the same gentleness, same fondness for him after all these years... Even after what Hyunjin did to him.
Hyunjin nodded slightly as he looked downward.
"I guess I did. It wasn't easy coming back to this place knowing you wouldn't be here. So, I just left. I left you behind & our memories. & Moved on my own. Like a selfish person that I am.”
Silence fell upon them. Seungmin didn't reply. Hyunjin also didn’t know what to say after that. For a moment he thought Seungmin had left, & almost panicked. But, then-
"I know... I saw you leaving back then..." Seungmin whispered back. No trace of malice or anger in his voice.
A wave of regret hit Hyunjin as soon as he realized what the other man meant. Seungmin was dead by the time when he left Korea. His ghost had seen Hyunjin leaving him alone in here.
“Y-you were...here?” Disbelief & pain were clear in his voice. “Then... Why didn't you talk to me?! Why didn’t you stop me from leaving?!” His voice was getting louder with each sentence as his sadness channeled into anger.
"If you'd told me then, I wouldn’t have left you here!"
"That's why I didn't tell you."
" Wha -"
“You couldn't just waste your life for a wondering spirit, Jinnie.” Seungmin audibly sighed. “You needed to move on without your best friend. Without me.”
Hyunjin knew what Seungmin just said was true, but still, he shook his head in denial. He could've been here with the other all these years if he knew.
Only if he knew.
“How can you say this?” Hyunjin clenched his jaws. “I killed you! I fucking killed you, Minnie! Why do you still care about me?! Why?! You should've stopped me! Let me ruin my life!” Because he deserved it. “You know I would've never cared about it if it meant I could have been with you, Minnie!"
Hyunjin was now standing, staring at the wall, on the verge of breaking down. The guilt that he’d been carrying for years was finally tearing him down. His heart was being ripped by regrets that were followed by guilt.
"If I hadn't said those words to you that night …. If I had stopped you that night... You would have been with me today... In flesh, alive. We could have been here today, trying together Minnie... It's all because of me... Because I was selfish. Beca-”
“You're wrong...” Seungmin's voice was firm but laced with sadness.
“It was never your fault. It wasn't your fault that you couldn't love me the way I loved you. It was never your fault that you never saw me more than a friend.” Seungmin tried to assure him. But Hyunjin’s heart only broke more with every word.
“That night I walked away... Because I was selfish... I thought if I stayed away... It'll hurt less. It was my choice to leave. & You only respected my decision. It wasn’t your fault; it will never be.” Seungmin's voice was soothing, trying to coax Hyunjin not to beat himself anymore for something he didn’t do.
But, Hyunjin still refused to believe it. He shook his head in denial.
It had always been his fault.
“I am glad that you told me right away that ……. there couldn't be.... any us. I would’ve never wanted you to force yourself to see me differently. I would have been more than okay just being your best friend, I swear. It would have hurt… of course… but we were more than best friends… We were like soulmates. So, I am grateful that you didn’t force yourself.”
Hyunjin closed his eyes tight. He didn’t want to cry. He didn’t have the right to.
“And... I don't regret confessing to you. I don't regret loving you. I loved you until my last breath, Jinnie. Like a best friend. Like more than a best friend. The only thing I regret is my idiocy to stumble upon in the middle of a busy road.” Seungmin sighed. He had accepted the moment he woke up outside his body after the accident.
“It was me who was at fault for my death. It was them who were at fault for throwing my bloody breathing body into the lake in fear of getting caught.”
Hyunjin felt his heart hurt like someone had pierced a knife through it. Seungmin didn’t deserve it. He deserved the world. Not a death like this.
“So, don't feel guilty. I was never mad at you. I was never upset at you for not being able to return my feelings. Please don't let this unnecessary guilt consume you anymore. & Believe me. I was happy that you decided to move away. Because look at you now! You've become a wonderful husband, & the father of the cutest baby in the whole world!”
A small smile tugged on Hyunjin's lips at the sudden shift in Seungmin's voice. It was now filled with excitement & fondness, unlike before- which was calm & comforting.
Such a Seungmin thing.
“Your husband is pretty, Jinnie! I remember getting awestruck when he stepped inside this house with you & an excited Innie after him when you finally came back! Good thing you never let me meet Felix before in university! I’m sure I would’ve ditched you for him!” Seungmin laughed freely at the idea.
Hyunjin would’ve too, only if he hadn’t noticed a small detail.
“You... Were here? When I came back… you were still here?!” Hyunjin felt dizzy.
Please say no.
“I never left Hyunjin-ah. I came back the moment I..died. I did promise to come back here. To you. Didn't I?”
Of course.
Hyunjin vividly remembered that moment. Seungmin, in front of the door, ready to leave. Hyunjin had stopped him, holding his wrist- asking desperately if Seungmin would come back to him.
“I will… You’re my best friend after all.”
Seungmin did come back, but Hyunjin didn’t notice. He didn’t know.
“And, I never left after that. I had nowhere to go but here, after… the accident. Not like I'd have voluntarily left either.” Seungmin chuckled.
“I decided to wait for you since you said you’d come back one day, just before you left. So, I waited for a time, when we would be able to talk again. Without me holding you back. & My wait did pay off in the end, didn’t it?” Seungmin’s smile could be heard in his gentle voice.
But the pain in Hyunjin’s heart only increased more.
“I was really happy- when you came back here, to see you have someone you love. & Hyunjin …. Your kid... I couldn’t help but love him like my own.” Seungmin was fond of Jeongin. It didn’t matter the little Innie wasn’t Hyunjin’s blood. To him, that kid was a ray of literal sunshine. bundle of joy.
“You know, he wasn't scared when he first saw me! He even said I look like a puppy!” Seungmin’s amused laugh filled the emptiness of the room. It made Hyunjin feel warm, but the stabbing pain in his heart was still there.
“He talks about you. A lot.” Hyunjin looked to his left, toward the series of Jeongin’s crayon works on the wall. His son had drawn a lot of random things there. Some were boxes. Some were upside-down trees. Some were his favorite cartoon characters. Mini stick figures here & there are scattered on the whole wall.
Few of the stick figures were with brown hair. All of those had “Minnie!” written beside them.
“At first, we didn't pay any attention when he used to talk about his friend Minnie. We thought it was normal for a 5yrs old to have an imaginary friend.” Hyunjin slowly walked toward the wall. Eyes moved from all the figures that had Minnie written beside them.
“I thought, him naming his imaginary friend ‘Minnie’ was nothing but a coincidence. But then, he started to talk about you more.” Hyunjin smiled.
“He said, his friend looks like a cute puppy when he smiles. That you always listen to him no matter what he says. He even memorized a rhyme that we never taught him. He cried when we mentioned preschool, saying he didn't wanna go there. But then suddenly the next day, he was excited to go. He wanted to make friends. Why?” Hyunjin paused for a few seconds before he answered himself.
“Because Minnie told him that he met his best friend in preschool years ago. Minnie told him how it was to spend time with his best friend, how they would play all the time.”
Silence.
“I had a hunch it was you. You were here. But my mind refused to believe it.” Typical human behavior. “But then, a few days later, Innie confirmed it for me when he suddenly screamed out “Minnie” while I was going through our graduation photos.”
Seungmin looked so happy in those photos. They both looked happy there.
“Since then, I'd often observe him talking with someone in his room, even though he was alone. I would hear him laugh at something. Hear him argue with someone about strawberry milk.” Hyunjin chuckled remembering how animatedly Jeongin was trying to make his invisible friend understand that strawberry milk was indeed tasty.
But, Seungmin never really liked the artificial flavor of strawberries.
“You knew I was here?” Seungmin sounded genuinely confused. “Then... Why didn't you.....” his voice trailed off.
A wry smile painted on his lips at the question. “I was scared.”
“What?” Seungmin’s voice went from confused to surprise now.
“Scared that... You hate me. Scared that you’ll leave me again if-” Hyunjin took a deep breath. His throat was closing up on him. “-if I try to approach you.”
“I was scared to lose you again. So... I kept quiet. I was content with knowing you were here... I was content knowing about you from my son. I was content, that- I had you back in my life in some way. So, I never stopped Jeongin from talking with you. I never told him to stay away from you. I knew- you loved him. But...'“
Hyunjin turned back to face the other, but of course, he didn't know where to look for the other. His sad eyes scanned the whole room once again in a futile attempt of finding his best friend.
“Felix... He got scared... Scared that Jeongin was possessed by some ghost. That his “Minnie” was gonna hurt him.” A frustrated sigh left escaped from his lips.
“I tried, Minnie. I tried, but his love for his son is too big that he refuses to believe that you won't do any harm to any of us. But I’m no better than him either.” His shoulder dropped in a defeated manner.
“I lost when I heard Jeongin is being called weird. His classmates are bullying him, & leaving him alone in school. Because all he would talk about is you, Minnie. They didn’t believe you were real.”
Hyunjin paused- trying to calm himself, to get the courage for what he was about to say next.
Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. He steeled his heart, preparing it for the blow he was about to give Seungmin; to both of them.
After a few seconds, then he opened his eyes again. They were firm. But if anyone were to take a closer look, they’d be able to see the emotions running wild in his dark orbs as Hyunjin stared right in front of him. Imagining Seungmin was there.
“That's why Jisung is here today. I sought his help... To set u free.”
A pause.
“To... make u leave, Minnie”
Silence… was all that Hyunjin received after he said the last sentence.
His heart was beating wild inside his chest. His eyes burned with unshed tears as he bit his lower lip to stop it from wobbling. The last sentence, left a bitter taste in his mouth- that he tried to push down his throat as he waited for his best friend to say something.
Anything.
He would even accept it with silence if Seungmin cursed him now for trying to throw him out of Hyunjin’s life again; when all his best friend did was wait for him for the past 8years.
His hands curled into fists as he tried to stay strong. His knuckles turned white as his grip tightened with every passing second of the other boy’s silence.
Suddenly a fear settled in his heart. A possibility.
What if...
What if Seungmin had already left? What if- he left before Hyunjin could apologize to him?!
His strong facade started to crumble with fear as his desperate eyes frantically looked all over the room for the umpteenth time.
As if he didn't know that he couldn’t see his friend.
“Seung-” He was about to call out the other when-
“I'll leave then” Seungmin spoke up.
The air inside his lungs was knocked out as soon as he heard Seungmin's soft voice ringing inside the room.
Seungmin was gonna leave. So easily. Just like that.
This is what Hyunjin wanted when he sought out Jisung's help.
He was prepared to let his best friend, his soulmate, go once again.
Then why was it hurting so bad? Why was he feeling like he couldn’t breathe? As if someone was choking him. Stabbing his already bleeding heart.
Why couldn’t he say a single word now? Not even a single sorry?
It was just like a while ago when Seungmin talked to him after years. He knew his Minnie wasn't alive. He knew because the first thing he did after coming back was to visit his friend in the cemetery.
It hurt like hell when he got a call from Seungmin's mom after the day he left for NYC eight years ago. His heart almost went numb he heard they found Seungmin's distorted body. He forgot how to function for days at that time.
It even hurt more when he found out it was his Minnie, who was talking to Jeongin all this time. & It hurt him the most when he thought he was ready to talk with his friend today when he wasn’t.
Seungmin's spirit talking to him made him realize that he really lost his friend forever. That- they didn’t make a mistake 8yrs ago, & now there was no turning back. No way to keep the small hope of everything turning out as a big misunderstanding.
& Now it hurt the same. He knew this was gonna happen, but it still made him feel like he was drowning in the ocean with no one to save him.
Did Seungmin feel like that too? When those monsters throw him in the lake?
“Don't worry...I'm not angry... Not mad at you... It's Just...”
Seungmin paused as if he was trying to arrange his thoughts. Just like before. Thinking properly, choosing his words carefully to explain his feelings & emotions.
Hyunjin waited. Patiently, still holding back his tears. Still trying to stay strong. If this was the last time, he could hear Seungmin's gentle voice then Hyunjin was gonna make sure he'd listen to every bit of it, & keep it in his heart for the rest of his life.
“I'm... Just a bit disappointed...that I won't be...uh...able to stay with you for a longer time. But don't worry! I do understand where you guys are coming from. And, I care about Innie too. I want him to have a normal happy life too. As much as I don't... I don't wanna leave him, I, also, don't want him to be bullied or anything bad.
So yeah... i'll just leave...”
Hyunjin felt helpless, just like he felt years ago when he lost Seungmin for the first time. That time he had a choice but didn't know what to do & let the boy leave with a broken heart.
This time too, he had a choice, but he couldn't choose his friend. He couldn’t do anything to make the younger stay. He never managed to choose Seungmin first.
“I'm sorry.”
Hyunjin's broken whisper was loud enough to express his unspoken feelings. But it wasn’t loud enough to cover the sound of his heart breaking. He couldn’t let his best friend leave again before he could apologize.
“Can I ask you a question?” Seungmin asked.
Hyunjin tried to smile as he nodded slowly. “Anything Minnie.”
Hyunjin waited silently.
After a minute, finally came Seungmin's question. A question that broke Hyunjin's heart into pieces.
“Do you think... In another universe, another Hyunjin will fall in love with another Seungmin?”
Hyunjin's heart clenched at the hopeful voice of the younger. Did Seungmin still love him?
“Nevermind… I was just-”
“Yes.” Hyunjin breathed out immediately, not letting Seungmin take back anything.
“Maybe- No. I'm sure. In another universe, another Hyunjin is in love with his Seungmin, just like that Seungmin is in love with his Hyunjin.”
Hyunjin said it in one go. He felt his heart beat erratically as he waited for Seungmin to say something. At that moment he wanted nothing more than to old the younger in his arms. Tell him that Hyunjin indeed loved him, a lot. Just the way was different.
Maybe.
Hyunjin wasn’t sure anymore. Were the feelings in his heart really platonic?
Hyunjin felt his breath hitch and his eyes widened when he felt a cold sensation on his cheek. It was as if someone held his face delicately as if they were afraid to touch Hyunjin. His whole body shook up as the touch become less hesitant with every second. It was Seungmin. His Minnie, his best friend. It was Seungmin's nimble touch on his face, mapping his face with so much gentleness that Hyunjin could melt.
“Can I?”
A shudder ran through his body at how close Seungmin's voice sounded. As if they were just a few inches apart.
Hyunjin wanted to know if he was right. He needed to know. He wanted to feel it.
So, he closed his eyes as his answer.
It was soft, like a feathery touch on his lips. It felt so wrong, yet so right to Hyunjin. It made him feel butterflies in his stomach. It made him feel something that he never felt before. Cold, yet warm. Slowly burning his heart, & healing it at the same time. His heart finally felt alive.
Hyunjin never believed in God. But that moment, he prayed for the first time in his life. He prayed, if there was any God above there, then may He let Hyunjin see his Minnie for one last time.
& Praying that, with a small hope in his heart he opened his eyes slowly.
Seungmin still looked pretty. He still had the fluffy brown hair that was messed up like he just woke up from sleep. He was glowing in yellow-golden, like a ray of sunshine in the darkness of their night. His long eyelashes were fanned over his cheekbones as the lingering tears made the lining of his eyes sparkle like diamonds.
Hyunjin closed his eyes shut as his hands automatically landed on the younger boy’s waist, pulling the boy flush against him.
Seungmin gasped in the kiss; confused & shocked at the sudden change. He didn’t know humans could touch him. Jeongin couldn’t. Jisung couldn’t. Hyunjin had waked through his body multiple times without any knowledge. But when Hyunjin tilted his head a bit to deepen the kiss, & Seungmin complied. He decided not to waste time thinking.
It was like a dream to them. A dream they never thought would come true.
When they broke the kiss, Seungmin’s almond eyes were sparkling with unshed tears of happiness as they locked with Hyunjin's loving ones. Seungmin realized with utmost happiness that Hyunjin could see him now.
Hyunjin's eyes traced every part of Seungmin’s face, taking in every detail of the younger man’s face before their eyes met again.
“I love you.”
A bright smile adorned Seungmin's face when Hyunjin said those three words.
& Just like before, Kim Seungmin's smile was still contagious. Hyunjin found his lips stretching into a fond smile, eyes turning into crescents- watching the younger in his arms smiling so bright.
Looking so happy.
Hyunjin felt content. With Seungmin in his arms- finally saying those three words. It was like Seungmin was the missing puzzle piece of his life. He made Hyunjin’s heart whole.
“I love you too, Jinnie. I love you more.”
At that moment, Hyunjin didn’t want to let go anymore. He wanted to love Seungmin more. He wanted to shower Seungmin with the love & happiness he deserved. He was already so late- realizing his feelings, to return the love he had once taken for granted. He just wanted to hold Seungmin in his arms forever, & never let go.
So, that his Minnie would know, that Hyunjin did love him the way he wanted. Or, maybe more than that.
But, as always, happiness was never an answer, nor an option for them.
For a moment Hyunjin had forgotten that this moment was not gonna last.
Hyunjin’s smile started to fade away as he stared at Seungmin with wide panicked eyes. The younger boy's whole body was glowing brightly as he started to fade away in thin air.
He desperately tried to grab the younger by his waist, his hands. But suddenly, Hyunjin couldn't touch him anymore. He couldn't feel Seungmin anymore. Hyunjin's hands went through the younger’s fading body as he desperately kept chanting 'Don't go' like a mantra.
“No! Please!” Hyunjin exclaimed, eyes wide in panic. “Don't go! Don't leave me!” he didn’t want to lose Seungmin. Not again.
At that moment he forgot everything, except Seungmin. He forgot that Felix & Jisung were waiting outside. His son was waiting for him. He forgot the fact that he had to let his first love go.
Just a kiss, & a confession, that took him eight years- No… A decade, was all it took for him to forget that he couldn’t have Seungmin to himself anymore.
While Hyunjin’s tears fell like a waterfall for the first time that night, Seungmin still sported a bright smile on his lips as he stared back at him.
A smile that only radiated happiness. A smile that looked content. A smile that Hyunjin had seen on his best friend’s lips for the first time.
Seungmin was happy. Even when he was leaving behind Hyunjin.
“Jinnie... Let's meet in some other universe again. Let’s fall in love again.
We won’t forget each other, right?”
Seungmin looked hopeful.
But before Hyunjin could reply the boy melted into the dark of the night, leaving behind glittering dust floating in the air. It was only proof that his Seungmin was here with him just a few seconds ago.
Hyunjin felt empty. His heart felt a little numb. Teary eyes were still stuck in the glitter dust as he opened his palm to catch them.
A bright shade of yellow they were. Slowly melting on his rough skin, as if it was Seungmin melting into him. Becoming one.
“Even if you don’t remember me, I will.” Hyunjin’s whisper sounded like a loud promise. To himself. To Seungmin. To the universe that never allowed them the happy ending they deserved.
“I’ll find you, Minnie. We’ll fall in love again. And, next time- I won't let you go so easily.”
Hyunjin didn’t cry after he opened the door & walked straight into the warm embrace of his husband. He felt tired & numb. He felt empty, but content after finally managing to accept his heart. his love for his best friend. At least, he had one regret less now in his life.
But Jeongin couldn’t accept Minnie’s disappearance lightly. He kept crying, calling his friend again & again. Hyunjin had held his weeping son in his arms, assuring the little boy that his Minnie was now happy & safe, in a better place.
Hyunjin told his son that his Minnie would come back to him again, as a butterfly- so that they could always be together, anywhere. His Minnie would fly around the small garden that he was making with Felix on the roof.
Hyunjin told Jeongin that his Minnie wanted to stay with him in a way so that everyone could see him. In that way, his friends from school would know that he had never lied.
& Jeongin ... The innocent, clueless child believed his dad with a bright smile & big hope in his heart in the end.
One day, five months later, Hyunjin woke up in the dead of the morning hearing his son scream, calling for Hyunjin to come out of the room.
Worried & scared, both Hyunjin & Felix had run out of the room only to find their son jumping on the couch with a big excited smile. His hands & dress were covered with patches of mud.
“Dada! Minnie is here! He came back!” Jeongin exclaimed a wide grin stretched on his lips.
Hyunjin wordlessly let his son drag him to the adjacent roof. Felix silently followed them, tightening the robe around his body. Not even a single trace of displeasure or anger on his face. He only gave Hyunjin a small encouraging smile before they stepped out on the roof.
The morning sun was glowing brightly in the mid sky, hitting Hyunjin with a welcoming warmth. The sight was beautiful. It was full of calmness & peace until Jeongin exclaimed once again. All giggly & happy as he ran toward his little garden.
It was then that Hyunjin saw a butterfly with big brown wings on the very first flower that bloomed in their garden.
Hyunjin didn’t know he still had tears left. He thought he was okay now. He thought he wouldn’t cry anymore.
But he was proved wrong when his eyes started to sting with unshed tears once again.
He silently watched as his son let go of his hand, & started chasing the butterfly with a smile that his little boy had lost when Seungmin left them.
“Dada! Look! My Minnie is here!”