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Another night and Mikan feared she was going feverish, delirious just like in the old times when she could hope for love and not be terrified of aware of anyone's judgment.
As if her happiness and comfort weren't deemed a heinous crime against humanity.
Once upon a time Mikan would agree with the world and apologize for her existence and her annoying voice.
Not anymore.
She didn't hate herself anymore because...
Because her beloved was the most wonderful being in this disgusting universe, and if someone as amazing as her managed to love a dirty pig-like hole like Mikan back, then...
It meant she mustn't be that bad after all. Maybe all the pain she went through wasn't deserved, the fault laid on the rottenness of this world overruling every prospect of happiness that ever got presented to her.
However, even when she knew of her lover's great intelligence, Mikan couldn't help but think that her goddess had made a mistake choosing her.
So, she fell one hundred times to get her undivided attention, her beloved would pick her up a thousand she would pick her anytime.
A body pathetic and hungry for any form of validation outstretched all over the pavement in an uncomfortable position asking for recognition compassion and she never laughed or got flustered, only offered a helping hand.
Sometimes, Mikan got so comfortable with her kindness that she admitted to her most disturbing desires. “I want to break you, have you bedridden so you'll have no other option but to be mine forever.”
Things so grossly disgusting she should never feel entitled for in the first place and yet...
She forgave Mikan, every single time. “If you didn't feel my love would you despair? Would your soul ache really bad or... really good?”
And then Mikan woke up.
In her dorm room, screaming and crying, with so much despair festering inside that it made her dizzy. The pain burned so nice.
The dreams were painfully vivid; the feeling of her lover's acrylic nails drawing circles in the back of her head, the heavy perfume she came with to school, the sound of all her fake laughs, and the taste of her lips.
All too real to be a mere fantasy.
Although...Mikan'd never seen her beloved, didn't even know her name. The most she recalled when she woke up were golden strands of hair and noise words? coming out of her mouth like a prayer.
But that was okay, wasn't it?
There's no way someone like her would settle for Mikan in real life, it was enough to simply be visited in her dreams.
It became easier to ignore Saionji’s insults and the girls’ dismissive hand waves; it became harder to notice that no one ever wanted to talk with her, only about her and her clumsy body that attracted leering boys. Soon, her classmates would notice the changes. No more ridiculous stumbles for them, no apologies, they didn't deserve as much.
They would never forgive her, anyway.
A huge smile enlightened her face as Kuzuryu called her a distracted useless whore after she zoned out in the middle of a conversation.
“Have you ever been in love? Is normal that it overtakes every other aspect of your life, is it not?” Mikan asked, not stuttering for the first time in all her school years. “Well, it's not like you're a big part of my life, anyway. He, he.”
Even the usually brash and quick to anger Kuzuryu couldn't possibly react to the sudden outburst.
She shouldn't have cared about their impressions regarding her own opinion, not when her beloved was the only one that cared to listen, the only one who was important, anyway.
As time went by Mikan would find herself waiting for her arrival, senseless rejoicing after her naive hopes got stumped by her daily reality, before the blissful nights finally came to her.
It was one of those nights when, all of the sudden, the dream became a nightmare. Clods of blood and tissue inside her fingernails and her mouth; guts and gonads forcibly removed in righteous anger. Because...
Because she was gone.
Out of her own volition, laughing hard like a child on a rollercoaster. Never even thought about Mikan, she rushed in for despair's sake.
This should be fine, right? After all, Junko admitted that her predisposition towards despair was her favorite thing about Mikan so she'd understand why...
“Junko,” she whispered in her dream and her voice sounded so old, the name felt so heavy.
She left her as anyone should because Mikan is nothing more than what she can provide. Junko was an analyst, so she must have known of a weakness of hers that would render Mikan useless in the long run.
It made sense, after all, her despair... Didn't feel good this time around. If she could crawl out of her skin, if she could rip her heart out without failing the mission Junko trusted her with, she would.
Ah, but she had so much work to do! She had patients waiting to be introduced to the most despair-inducing treatment modern medicine could provide. She was so jealous! At least they weren't able to run away like her...
Junko would have loved to be restrained by her, she'd rejoice in her own inability to commit to the original plan. Mikan would do her best to make her experience less boring every day.
If only Mikan wasn't herself.
And then Mikan woke up.
Vomited.
Passed out.
And was carried by Koizumi and Sato to the medical annex building in Hope’s Peak.