Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

So.

That scene in romcoms where the one attractive white actor bumps into the other attractive white actor and spills coffee all over their shirt? And it’s cute and funny and they generally get the other person’s number out of the whole deal?

Well, it’s not actually romantic or comedic, Akebono decided. Not when it’s January and barely above freezing outside, and when not only did you also spill your coffee, you didn’t manage to spill a single drop on the other person, so it's not even a remotely fair situation. And meanwhile, there’s hot coffee soaking into your (newly bought) white blouse, and you’re too busy mentally cursing out whoever-the-fuck bumped into you to focus on getting anybody’s digits.

Akebono was still standing there, in incredibly angry shock, when she realized said other person (who had to be like a whole foot taller than Akebono, what the fuck) had squeaked out a “sorry!” and ran down the street, not even glancing back behind her.

The bitch.

(Akebono thought she might actually be emitting steam from her ears. That, or it was the hot-as-hell coffee dripping down the front of her shirt.)

“Thanks for that, asshole!” she shrieked after Clumsy Coffee Girl. “By the way, your haircut sucks!”

Well, it did, Akebono thought sourly, ignoring the immediate stab of regret that commonly followed most of her insults. It looked like someone had tried to give her a bob with a dull pocket knife, and then had dunked the whole thing in hair gel. Honestly, if the jackass had stayed around to help dry her off, she could have recommended a better hairdresser. Or, possibly, just any hairdresser.

Speaking of helping her dry off - behind her, Sazanami had doubled over laughing, holding onto a bemused Oboro for support, so those two wouldn’t be any help at all. But Ushio was just emerging from the coffee shop with what appeared to be their entire stock of paper napkins, so at least one of her sisters wasn’t completely useless.

“...She wasn’t even a hot clumsy stranger,” Akebono muttered under her breath, as Ushio hurridly blotted at her shirt, and Sazanami laughed harder.

•••

“Okay, so how long are you planning to hold this grudge of yours this time?”

It was a week later, and there was still no sign of Clumsy Coffee Asshole (officially upgraded from Clumsy Coffee Girl.) Not that Akebono had been looking for her, of course - except no, she totally was looking for her, and as far as she could tell Clumsy Coffee Asshole hadn't even come within a mile of the shop.

Akebono glared across the table at Sazanami, but the other girl hadn’t looked up from her phone, her thumbs moving faster than Akebono would have thought was possible - but, you know, it was Sazanami, so nobody was surprised.

“If you’re tweeting this I swear to god--“ Akebono hissed - or tried to hiss, but the chatter around them was so loud she ended up nearly shouting to be heard properly. The baristas, who at this point knew her as the short angry girl who’d been practically camping out in the store all week, didn’t even bat an eye. Sazanami just grinned down at her phone, still typing.

Akebono (who had spent the entirety of her life with Sazanami and knew trying to get her to stop tweeting was useless) turned her withering glare on the bustling coffee shop around her. Apparently, the entirety of the Kantai College student body had decided to cram themselves into the Docks that day, she thought viciously. Sure, the Docks was the only good place to get a coffee (that was within walking distance of the university and not a Starbucks), but don’t these people have classes to go to or something?

“Anyway... what do you mean, this time?” she grumbled, resting her pointy chin in one hand.

“Come on, Bono, you hold grudges the same way Obama holds lemons.”

“What the fuck are you talking about.”

Sazanami giggled. “Hang on, I’m tweeting that one.”

“No, really, what the fuck are you talking about.” Akebono gave up her illfated staring contest with the coffee machines to see if Sazanami was making some visual gesture to explain whatever weird-ass meme she was referencing this time, but true to her word Sazanami was dutifuly tapping away. “Also, I’ve never held a grudge in my life.”

Sazanami actually looked up at this, wearing the purest expression of bafflement Akebono had ever seen. “Dude. What are you talking about.”

“I don’t hold grudges!” Akebono insisted, banging a hand on the small table between them to emphasize her point. Sazanami continued to look as if Akebono had just told her she was actually adopted, and also an alien. Her phone dropped to the table with a thunk that seemed to cut through the noise of the Docks around them.

“Akebono, some junior copied off of your tests senior year in high school and you failed your next two tests on purpose so she would too. When I was five, Oboro accidentally tore your favorite Barbie’s head off and you didn’t talk to her for two months.” Sazanami leaned over the table, her face barely an inch from Akebono’s. “You have literally skipped classes this week to try and stalk some girl that spilled coffee on you and didn’t give you a sufficient apology.”

Akebono scowled and crossed her arms, flopping back in her seat and refusing to meet her sister’s eyes.

“I only skipped one class,” she muttered under her breath. “And it was psychology, which shouldn’t even count as a goddamn class, so you can’t hold this over my head.”

“You literally just admitted to spending the last week in this coffee shop to yell at someone you met for approximately two seconds.”

“I did not!” It had barely been half a minute and Akebono was shouting again, pure outrage clear in every word.

“You did too. By omission.” The smug smile on Sazanami’s face was enough to make Akebono want to upend the table. And possibly the table next to her. Maybe a third, just to be sure.

“Why are you even here?” she demanded, sitting upright again. “Cause I know I sure as hell didn’t ask you to hang out with me.”

Sazanami shrugged and sat back down in her seat, picking her phone back up. “I was bored. Ushio was watching Disney movies and crying. Mochizuki’s still asleep. Isuzu’s being a bitch.”

“Yeah, cause she usually isn’t,” Akebono said, rolling her eyes. “That’s like saying I’m not a bitch.”

“Glad to see you’ve admitted it,” Sazanami replied, conversationally. “We always have room for another person in Assholes Anonymous.”

“Shut up.” Akebono kicked her underneath the table. “Your friends are really shitty if I’m your best option.”

“If it makes you feel any better, you weren’t my absolute last choice.”

“Yeah? Who has that honor?”

“Uzuki,” Sazanami replied, without missing a beat. “Only if Yayoi’s not with her, though. Second-to-last is Naka, for fairly obvious reasons, which puts you at a respectable Third Worst Person To Hang Out With.”

“Glad to see you aren’t giving me any points for being your, y’know, sister,” Akebono said drily.

“I mean, you got points taken away because you’re my sister, so.” Another under-the-table kick. “Assbutt.”

“Mm. Very creative.”

“How about buttass?”

“Keep trying, kiddo.”

“Assass.”

“Not really feeling that one.”

“What about dickwaffle?”

“What about shut the fuck up, Sazanami?”

“Ooh, good one, lemme go tweet that so my followers can bask in its glory. How do you spell Sazanami?”

“You spell it b-i-t-c-- THERE SHE IS!”

Sazanami looked up just in time to see Akebono jump out of her seat and point at someone who was, indeed, the Clumsy Coffee Asshole. Clumsy Coffee Asshole glanced over once, and her eyes grew as big as dinner plates before she let out a strangled scream (“HIEEEI!”) and sprinted back out the coffee shop door. Akebono immediately raced after her, yelling the whole way, loud enough to be heard even as they rounded the corner and kept running.

Still in her seat, Sazanami looked back down at her phone, her face carefully blank.

“I don’t think my name is spelled Bitctheresheis, but thanks for trying.”

•••

Akebono may have had short legs, but she was light on her feet and fueled by pure rage, so in reality she was only a few steps behind Clumsy Coffee Asshole. She didn’t exactly know what she was shouting any more, but she sure as hell was shouting something, and it was probably some sort of combination of “get back here” and “asshole.” Clumsy Coffee Asshole, however, was wisely not following her orders - in fact, she tried to run faster.

“God damnit!” she yelled, weaving between people on the sidewalk with a precision only known to those who have had to chase after younger siblings in crowded malls one too many times. And then, as they reached a crosswalk, before Akebono could really process what was happening, there was a car shooting out in front of them and Akebono was skidding to a stop and Clumsy Coffee Asshole was not slowing down. 

Good, Akebono thought viciously, let her get hit by a car. 

Of course, her traitorous body reacted faster than her brain did, on pure instinct, and her hand shot out to grab the other girl’s arm, hauling her back hard enough to yank her out of the road just before she could become Clumsy Coffee Roadkill. They both teetered there for a moment, Akebono braced on her heels and Clumsy Coffee Asshole gaping at the road in front of her, before physics caught up to them and they were dumped on the sidewalk in a tangle of limbs.

Clumsy Coffee Asshole stared up at her from her position in Akebono’s lap where she had somehow landed, looking like a particularly stupefied goldfish. Akebono herself blinked back down at the taller girl, honestly as surprised as she was at what had just happened. They sat there in stunned silence for a moment, before-

“What the fuck is wrong with you!?” 

Clumsy Coffee Asshole winced and opened her mouth. Akebono didn’t give her a chance to speak.

“Who the hell does that!? Who the hell gets nearly killed because they’re not looking where they’re going!? That’s something a five year old would do! You’re a college student, right? You should know better by now!”

Clumsy Coffee Asshole tried to cut in again, but Akebono was on a roll. 

“Also, who spills coffee on someone and doesn’t offer to help clean up!? Like, maybe I’d understand if you just got a little on my sleeve or something, but you dumped the whole goddamn thing on my shirt, you asshole! You owe me a new shirt! And a new coffee!”

“That was like a week ago!” Clumsy Coffee Asshole yelled, twisting around to face her. 

“I don’t give a shit! It’s still basic fucking etiquette! Were you raised by wolves!? And it’s not like you forgot about it or something, because you totally recognized me at the Docks!” 

“Says who!? Maybe I was freaked out that some kid was pointing and yelling at me!”

“Yeah, right!” Akebono managed to roll her eyes while still looking completely furious. “Because normal people are scared of a five foot stranger with a bad attitude!”

It was only now that she realized that A) they were having a shouting match on a fairly crowded sidewalk in the middle of the day, and B) she was still holding onto Clumsy Coffee Asshole’s wrist. She let go of it like it had burned her and shot upright, ignoring the indignant squawk as Clumsy Coffee Asshole fell backwards onto the sidewalk for the second time in two minutes.

“...Whatever,” she muttered, gritting her teeth. “You still owe me a goddamn coffee. And a shirt.”

“Coffee doesn’t even stain,” Clumsy Coffee Asshole complained, awkwardly maneuvering herself into a standing position. Akebono felt her face go slack with disbelief. 

“Yes, it does!” she exploded, throwing her arms into the air and waving them in pure exasperation, as if they’d somehow express the magnitude of her annoyance. “Are you an idiot!?”

Clumsy Coffee Asshole blinked at her in surprise, but at least had the good grace to look vaguely apologetic. “...Oh. Sorry, then.”

Akebono rolled her eyes and began the (fairly short, really) trek back to the Docks, Clumsy Coffee Asshole following behind her. She wondered briefly how this would look, a five-foot girl with purple hair and anger management issues leading around a six-foot girl with a bad haircut and the worst hand-eye coordination known to man, and decided that she wouldn’t give a shit. 

(Of course, some part of her did give a shit, and wanted to give up and go home and maybe watch Disney movies with Ushio, where nobody would stare at her weirdly.  

The rest of her, though, was partially still worked up from all the yelling and partially looking forward to free coffee, so.) 

“Did you... ask Akagi about when I’d be here?” Clumsy Coffee Asshole finally asked as they approached the door. “Cause you’ve been waiting for me, like, every time I came to get coffee.”

Akebono raised an eyebrow that the other girl couldn’t see as she pulled open the door with a jingle of the bell attached to the door frame. She only vaguely remembered of of the baristas being named something like Akagi, but hadn’t ever bothered to ask about whoever had spilled coffee on her, which... was actually a better plan than just haunting the Docks for a week. Akebono could kick herself for not thinking of that sooner. 

“No,” she answered shortly, “I didn’t. And you haven’t been here all week. I would know,” she added darkly, throwing a glare at Clumsy Coffee Asshole that made her jump a little. 

“Well, I was,” Clumsy Coffee Asshole said, almost like she was pouting. “I just didn’t want you yelling at me, so I... hid.”

Akebono stopped dead in her tracks. “Are you fucking kidding me.”

“W-what?" 

“I’ve been here for a week and you’ve just been avoiding me!?”

Clumsy Coffee Asshole actually looked scared again, and threw a glance at the barista on duty (not Akagi, but the other one that looked like she sucked lemons for fun and profit) as if she’d somehow save her from three feet away and behind a counter. Lemon-sucker raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow at her and looked down at her (also perfectly-manicured) nails in disinterest. Akebono would have laughed at the absolute betrayal clear on Clumsy Coffee Asshole’s face, but she was busy ranting again.

“I missed class for this! Do you know how many coffees I’ve had to buy for them to not kick me out of here!? You’re paying for those, too!" 

Clumsy Coffee Asshole gaped at her. “Excuse me?”

“I said, you’re paying for those, too!” Akebono said, stamping her foot.

“I’m a college student! I can’t pay for a week’s worth of coffees for somebody else!”

“I can,” a gentle voice said, and they both froze at the reminder that yes, they were in a crowded coffee shop with, you know, other people in it. 

They turned to face the newcomer - only to find there were, in fact, two newcomers. They were both tall, but a little shorter than Clumsy Coffee Asshole - one had long, dark hair pulled back with a headband and a beatific smile, while the other had an angled bob cut, glasses, and a glare that froze Akebono’s blood in her veins. 

(Akebono, dazedly, had a fleeting thought that she and that Lemony McBarista would get along like a house on fire.) 

“No, you can’t,” Glasses said, her hands on her hips as she turned to look at Headband. “Hiei’s already agreed to pay for our orders for the rest of the month.”

“Wha- wait, Kirishiiiiiima,” Clumsy Coffee Asshole (who may or may not be named Hiei, and what the hell kind of a name was that) whined, slumping over a little so she could look up at Glasses with pleading eyes. “I’m broke! You know that!” 

Glasses (Kirishima?) hit Clumsy Coffee Asshole with the full brunt of her icy glare. “You set the kitchen on fire.”

Akebono’s mouth dropped open in disbelief. Nobody noticed.

“It was an accident!”

“It was the third time this month.”

“How was I supposed to know that grease fires-“

“Okay, you two, don’t fight,” Headband said softly, stepping between the two and putting a hand on each of their shoulders. “It’s okay, Kirishima, I don’t mind buying a new coffee for...” She blinked, and turned to Akebono with an apologetic smile. “I’m so sorry, I never asked for your name.”

“I’m Akebono,” Akebono replied quickly, rocking back on her heels a little to attempt to escape the saint-like aura currently enveloping Headband - who, upon hearing Akebono’s name, smiled like Akebono had offered to buy her a puppy.

“That’s a lovely name,” she said, folding her hands in front of her waist in a way that somehow looked completely natural. “Oh, I apologize for not introducing myself first - I’m Haruna, and these are my sisters Hiei and Kirishima.” She pointed to Clumsy Coffee Asshole and Glasses in turn, confirming Akebono’s suspicions, before actually bowing to Akebono out of nowhere. “I apologize for the trouble Hiei has caused you. Please allow me to buy you a coffee to make up for it.” 

Behind her, Hiei muttered something that sounded like “wasn’t even doing anything,” and received a kick to the shin from Kirishima.

“No, that’s - uh,” Akebono stuttered. She wasn’t exactly used to people being so polite to her, and could already feel an embarrassed blush creeping up her neck. “It’s okay, I just...” 

“No, I insist!” Haruna said, her eyes bright and honest, and pulled Akebono up to the counter with her so she could order.  

Akebono was still somewhat flustered, both from the unexpected addition to her conversation and from trying to not immediately insult the nice, pretty lady who was now buying her coffee - which is how, five minutes later, she found herself sitting down at a table with the three sisters, staring into her coffee cup like it might contain the answers to the universe. She glanced up just in time to see Sazanami saunter out of the Docks with a wave and a wink, cheerfully abandoning her poor older sister in her time of need. 

She was so going to kick Sazanami’s ass when she got home.

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