Chapter Text
I’m gasping for air, like lungs filled with water. I’m at the hint of desperation to break free out of a crowded box. I’ve reached the point where I’ve ran out of tears, but I can’t help the feeling of sadness creeping inside my chest, eating me alive, and all I want is to free myself, to sleep it away. But it’s all my brain ever runs through. And I start pulling at my hair, making it stop. But it gets worse. Make it stop. Please make it stop—
“Michael?” I feel pairs of eyes land on me, slumped on an interviewee couch, staring at my worn-out boots.
I shift in my position, straightening as I mentally rack my brain to remember which part of the conversation we were on.
“On writing The Only Reason,” the interviewer crosses her legs from her side of the couch. “So was it really just you?”
I nod my head slowly. “Just me,” I murmur.
“So what’s the story?” She gives me a teasing grin. I would’ve missed Calum snickering beside me if I made one sound, but I heard it clearly. Surprisingly, the interviewer didn’t seem to notice. Or care. I don’t know. Ashton, on the seat in front of us, gives me a reassuring smile, but the way his eyebrows rose up slowly told me, 'Don’t fuck this up.' Yeah, right. My gaze lands on the person beside him: Luke. Luke who had a sudden interest on the dusty carpet we were stepping on. He wouldn’t even meet my eyes. Of course he couldn’t. The song is about him.
The interviewer nudges her head gently, urging me to go on. “I wrote this song about…” I begin. I rub my sweaty palms in my jeans, leaning back in my seat as I think of something to say. “It’s pretty heavy, like emotionally, and lyrically. I don’t know, I was… I was a bit of a wreck at that time—” The second it leaves my mouth, I instantly regret it. Her smile widens tamely. Of course this was juicy stuff for her. I can even hear the slot machine noise as if she hit the jackpot. She leans forward eagerly. “I was… no, I wasn’t really a wreck. I—”
“Hey, wanna hear a great fact?” Calum interrupts. I take in a deep breath and nod in his direction as a sign of gratitude. “For those of you who wanted to know, the photo of Michael recording naked was to this song. Nearly destroyed our career.” The crew together with the interviewer erupts in laughter. Well, not the escape i was expecting but it’s better than nothing.
A man behind the camera motions at his watch, signalling us to double time, and with that, the interviewer forgets about her almost gold and skips on to her next question. And not once did Luke lay his eyes on me.
The four of us were huddled in a small circle, each holding a notepad and a pencil. Album #1 Writing Commencement begins.
“I have an idea,” Ashton suggested to a room buzzing with excited murmuring. Calum suggested the four of us write together as a group, but that led to a bouncing debate between the crew saying it would either A) be filled with constructive arguments; or B) not do any writing AT ALL. Which made sense, to be honest. “How about we pair up, do a rotation. That way, two can brainstorm, we get more options. Yeah?”
That’s how I ended up being paired up with Luke, who had his back on the couch with his feet to the wall, fiddling with his pencil. I, on the other hand, was pacing the room back and forth, the lack of inspiration frustrating the shit out of me. “Fuck, I got nothing.” I said, tossing my hands up. “You?”
It took him a few minutes to realise I was talking to him. “Me?” He seemed oddly distracted.
“No, Luke. The lamp.” I said sarcastically. “Ground control to Major Tom,” I snap my fingers inches away from his face. “You good?”
He didn’t respond. Instead, he slowly lifted up his hand to set mine down. The unexpected friction caused me to flinch slightly, and I was sure he noticed. Which was weird because our usual shoving and teasing led our skins to graze every now and then, but I had never minded until that moment. Weird. Really weird. “Can I ask you something?” He said. I shook the thought away.
“Knock yourself out,” I said in the coolest and most unaffected way possible, sitting back on the couch in front of him.
“Have you ever kissed a guy?”
I freeze. “I gotta be honest with you that was not the question I was expecting.”
“You didn’t answer.”
“No,” I said flatly.
“Well, would you want to?” He asked straightforwardly. I was too taken aback by him i didn’t even notice my lips slightly parted. I press them together firmly and try to regain my composure. This couldn’t be happening.
“Are you…umm… gay?” I squinted at him.
“Just curious,” he shrugged. “So do you want to or not?”
“I don’t.. uhh, kiss boys,” I said slowly.
“Well, have you done it?” he asked. “How do you know you don’t if you’ve never done it, right?” Man, he was persistent.
“Since when were you so interested?” I asked.
“I think,” he said, standing up. “We should try an experiment.”
“I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no,” I said.
“C’mon. Then we’ll both know.”
“Uh, I think I already do.”
“Let’s just try it. See if it works or not.”
“No.”
“Listen, it’s just one kiss. I won’t even tell.”
“No.”
“Come here,” he motioned a hand. I don’t know why I did it, and before I knew it, I was standing in front of him.
“This is a prank, right?”
“Close your eyes,” he said. I did that too. I already had my eyes closed but I could feel him moving closer, his breath hitching nervously as it touches my face. He snaked his hand behind my head and I didn’t move. I even parted my lips out of instinct. And then he kissed me. And then I kissed him back. And then we were both kissing. He snaked his other hand to the side of my face and slid his tongue inside my mouth. I brought my hands to his waist and pulled him in and as soon as I could feel him getting hard on my thigh, I pulled away.
“So?” He asked, catching his breath.
I shrugged, shaking my head. “Nothing.”
“Really?” I shrugged again. “It sure worked for me.”
“Yeah, I could tell,” I nodded, walking past him and grabbing the notepad and pencil as I sat on the couch.
“Well, that’s out of the way.” He said.
“Sure is.” I tapped the pencil on the blank sheet. God, this was more awkward that I thought it would be. “Gained inspiration from that?”
“Yeah,” he said. “Let’s write something gender-neutral.”
I looked up at him, daring a teasing smile. “You make out with me once and now you want to write a song about us?”
“Very funny,” he scrunched his nose like he always does and sat beside me, our shoulders touching. For some reason, I liked it that way.
We scribbled in a few ideas for the next few hours, not bringing up the kiss whatsoever. I felt closer with him, though, physically. As much as I wanted to talk about it more, I knew better. Days passed and we still haven’t started on our final draft. We sat in front of each other, our foreheads almost touching. If I tilted my head up and moved an inch towards him, we could get back to kissing. Which I would much definitely preferred than sitting there painfully close and knowing I wouldn’t be able to do it. Of course I didn’t tell him that. Although every while, I snuck glances up at him, his eyebrows crossed intently as he brainstorms.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
“What?”
“You’re smiling,” he gave me a crooked smile, cocking an eyebrow.
“Nothing special,” I shrugged.
“You’re thinking of making out with me, aren’t you?” He laughed. It was obviously a joke, but I knew he saw me tense. I flicked him off and shook my head, smiling myself. Yes. Yes I was thinking of making out with you. Please tell me you are, too. Please please please please— “You know you could do it if you want.” Well fuck.
I don’t respond straight away, instead I let my eyes flicker to his mouth. His tongue poked out to lick his lips and I felt my stomach dipping in anticipation. I swore the sound of my heart beating was echoing through the room. “Who says I wanted to?” I shifted.
“Will you just do it?” So I kissed him. Before he could even breathe out his sentence, I kissed him. Both of us more practiced than the first time. I cupped his face with my two hands and I was kissing him. And he was kissing me back. His hand rested on my leg, sliding it up and down I felt my jeans tightening. Luke worked his way to my ear down to my neck, sucking lightly as silent gasps escaped my mouth.
He took his lips off my neck and I was panting like fucking crazy. “Why’d you stop?”
He looked around for a while. For a second I thought someone was coming over, but a playful smile filled his face. “Wanna go inside the recording booth?” He breathed against my skin.
“Okay,” I said. I didn’t know how I even got to stand up when I felt like my legs were turning to jello. I was first to head inside and as soon as I turned around, his hands were holding my face and his mouth was against mine. He pushed me against the cushioned wall and I had my hands buried in his soft hair. Our kisses were desperate and hard. Soon enough, so was I. “Fuck,” I moaned, bucking my hips upward I was pressed against him. And man, was he hard, too.
He grabbed me by the hips and pushed against me. I put one hand on his shoulder and gripped him by the hair behind the back of his head as we grinded the fuck out of each other. We were practically fucking if we weren’t fully-clothed. He had his eyes shut but he was panting heavily against my neck, making out with it. “Oh my fucking god, that feels so—” I whimpered.
Then the door busted open.
We both leapt apart, panting hard with uncomfortably tight jeans. The person behind the door was just as surprised as us: Ashton. He couldn’t even speak until Luke had to drag him back to the lounge and set him down on the couch. We sat on the couch facing him. Luke bit onto his fingernails, a habit he never seemed to let go off whenever he felt distressed. I started tapping on my foot nervously I felt like I got caught by my parents having almost-sex with my boyfriend.
We waited a few more minutes, giving Ashton the time he needed before he finally pursed his lips and took in a deep breath. “Please tell me I did not just see that.”
“He speaks,” I muttered. Luke elbowed me.
“Ashton—”
“Since when?” Ashton asked, cutting Luke off. It didn’t sound accusing. Just curious, lost. Definitely taken aback.
“A few days, like a week,” Luke said. “But that was the first time we ever did… like the dryhu—”
“Oh, God. Luke, just shut up.” I felt my face burning. He glanced back at me apologetically. He never knows when to shut the fuck up.
“Okay,” Ashton nodded, his face blank.
“Are you mad?” Luke asked, his eyes filled with concern.
Ashton shook his head. “No, no I’m not.” He took in a deep breath before finally saying, “We just need to find out how to keep this to ourselves.”
“That’s easy,” I scoffed.
“Yeah? The way I barged in on you two fucking each other’s dicks looked easy,” he laughed, shaking his head. “You two better give Calum a heads up before he ends up in the same misfortune as I did.”
“Oh, shut up.” I shoved him playfully, laughing.
Eventually, we did tell Calum. He didn’t seem to mind. “Just no dicks in my sight, alright?” was his rule. Alright, good enough. Weeks passed and we still had a song to write. Luke and I were starting to get cozy, too. Occasionally, he would take me out for lunch. Fans didn’t even seem to suspect. They saw us, took a picture, I was with him. I felt like I got the better end of the deal, actually. He would hold my hand randomly and bring it up to his lips. It became a habit. The other two didn’t mind PDA unless it had anything to do with dicks. Calum loved reminding that. The funny thing was we haven’t even done anything mildly sexual since the day Ashton caught us.
It was starting to get dark when Calum and Ashton decided to treat themselves outside after finishing their second song. And of course, Luke and I weren’t allowed to go because we still haven’t even finished our first one. Much as started.
“Stay safe, alright, boys?” Calum said, taking his wallet from his pocket and setting two packets of condoms on the table. “Just in case you two need an extra.” Ashton cracked up at the gesture as the two of them waved goodbye, mocking us with fake tears.
Well, not that I cared when I had Luke spooning me on the couch, his arms wrapping me while he scrolled through his phone. I could feel the steady pace of him breathing it made me want to stay like that forever. I shifted in my position, so that I was facing him. His chest, rather. His eyes were still glued to his phone. I was feeling brave. I tilted my head and inched myself towards his neck and started leaving light kisses. I felt him tense. He moved his head to stop me. “Michael—”
“Luke?” I whispered, teasing. Reaching up again to continue where I left off, my tongue tasting his skin.
“We,” he breathed heavily. “We still have a song to write.”
“It can wait.” I slid my hand inside his shirt I felt his muscles tighten.
“Michael—”
“Do you want this or not?” I asked impatiently, sitting up and sliding my hands up and down his thigh, making him part his legs willingly. A whimper escaped his mouth that practically made me want to rip his fucking jeans off and hear more of it.
“You know damn well I do,” he grunted, throwing his head back slightly as I palmed his crotch. “Fuck,” he said, lifting his shirt up and mine, helping me unbuckle his belt. We both fumbled for his zipper that we couldn’t even zip it down properly. “Man,” he laughed. “We’re like fucking animals.”
“Do you ever shut up?” I asked, my mouth meeting his to shut him up myself. He welcomed it eagerly. I reached to hold onto the back of his head so I could feel more in charge, kneeling with his body between my legs. When we both successfully slid our jeans off our legs, I felt his hand reach up to the front of my boxers, feeling my own, which was already half-hard. I reached down to his hands and stop him. “Later,” I shook my head.
“Oh, you mean there’s another one after this?” He raised an eyebrow and before I could respond with something half-mindedly funny, he was already shoving his tongue down my throat. I went from his mouth to his neck, hearing him pant out whimpers it was making it hard for me not to jerk off right there in front of him.
I left a trail of wet kisses on his neck, his hands gripping on my hair it turned me the fuck on. He swallowed a lump down his throat, his eyes shut tight and brows furrowed. I grabbed the waistband of his boxers and slid them down, my hands running down his chest until I graze it against his dick. Hard and throbbing. I remove myself between his legs and land on the carpet, kneeling in front of him. I wrapped my hand around his dick, kneading him delicately until I hear his moans getting louder and recurring. “God, you’re killing me,” he groaned. His head was still leaned back, resting on the cushion, but he ran his hand over my hair, gripping it.
I leaned my head down and flicked my eyes over to him— his chest rising up and down elaborately. My heart was beating so loudly in my chest as I pressed my lips lightly to his tip. Another whimper escaped his mouth and his grip tightened at the back of my head I felt him forcing me in. I dipped my head again, dragging my tongue from his base up his tip, tasting every inch of him. He used his free hand to caress his balls before I finally wrapped my lips around his shaft, my tongue pressed flat at his underside and moaning against him every time he made a sound. I bobbed my head up and down slowly, taking him all in. I gently shoved his palm off of his balls so I could suck them, and I felt his body tensing in pleasure as he grasped on my hair with both hands. “Fuck, Michael, don’t fucking stop,” he groaned.
“Don’t cum yet, okay?” I said, lifting my head up and letting my hand replace where my mouth was once. He nodded, his eyes still shut tight.
“Fuck,” he moaned, “that feels so fucking good.” He placed a hand on my shoulder and pushed me down to my back. “Your turn,” Luke panted, lying down on top of me as he grinded his hard dick against mine, forcing his tongue down my throat.
“Holy fucking shit,” I exhaled, breaking the kiss as I tried to catch my breath. Luke glided his tongue down my neck to my waist, sucking on my sweet spot. “I am so fucking gay,” I exclaimed. I felt him laughing against my skin, sliding lower until his mouth was in front of my erection. He flicked his tongue, teasing. Just as what I did to him beforehand. “Very funny,” I groaned, my hand clinging to the back of his neck.
“Yeah it is,” he said, licking me wet and moving his head up and down while his tongue explored me wildly.
“Fuck,” I whimpered, heat rising in my body as I panted out shallow breaths. I felt him stop. I tilted my head to look at him, heaving. “Why did you stop?”
“Can you…” He nodded to the table, I looked over and recall Calum’s little gift. “My bag, beside it. I’ve got some lube, too.” I reach over to the table, retrieving the condom and the lube. “Ready?” he asked, ripping the packet off with his teeth. I nodded. “Scared?” He placed it on him, squeezing a fair amount of lube on his palm, applying it. He stopped when he noticed I didn’t answer his question. “Do you want me to?”
“Yes,” I answered too quickly, nodding. He nodded, too.
“Okay. Lay back, keep your hips up.” I did as he said. He moved closer, his dick pressing hard against my stomach I just wanted him inside me. He lifted my knees to his shoulder one at a time, panting. “You sure?” I nodded again.
“Do it,” I said.
“Just tell me if you want me to stop.” He dipped his head so that his lips met mine. I felt him spreading my ass, entering slowly. I felt my breath falter, clutching to his tensed, sweaty arm that now supported his entire body. “How’s it holding?”
“More,” I said, my eyes shut tight. He entered more of himself. “Deeper, baby.”
“Fuck, you feel so good,” he moaned. Soon enough, he found a quick steady rhythm to follow that both of us were panting and moaning like wild fucking animals. I took him by the back of his head and shut off our moans by pressing our mouths together. His tongue never seemed to laze around. I reached for my own dick pressed between our stomachs and pumped it up and down. He held onto my hand, guiding me while he thrusted inside me deep and slow. “Cum with me,” he breathed against my mouth.
“Luke. Fuck, Luke. I’m about to.” I gasped.
“Wait,” he panted, thrusting quicker. I let out a loud moan, throwing my head back as I caressed my balls and jerked my hand up and down my shaft. “Now,” he cried out, the sensation running on both our bodies as I felt both our stomachs tightening and the cum sticky in my chest. Both our chests. He gasped, letting out a final moan as he dropped himself on top of me.
We stayed like that for a few minutes until both of us finally caught our breath. “Wow,” he said, rolling off of me so now we’re both facing the ceiling.
“Yeah, wow.”
“We should’ve done this a long time ago,” he smiled, hoisting himself up. He offered his hand and helped me up. “Wanna get cleaned up? Then we can cuddle.” He wiggled his eyebrows. I shoved him playfully.
The next morning, I woke up to the heavy thudding of boots and an “Oh, fucking hell! They actually used it!” The light switch turned on and I shielded my eyes. My head was pounding like crazy. When I tried to sit up, I couldn’t, realizing I was wrapped up in Luke’s arms, who was still sleeping soundly. I gently slide off of him and rubbed my face, squinting at the clock: 8:00AM.
“You two actually used it, that was a joke. I was supposed to get it back,” Calum whined.
“Will you shut up for one second? I’ve got a bitch of a headache.” I groaned.
“Hey, you have to get yourself together. It’s late notice but we’ve got a band meeting to attend to tomorrow,” Ashton said, entering the room and shaking Luke awake. “Up,” Ashton called out. Luke opened his eyes slowly. “Rehearsals.”
The entire day, I was left alone in my hotel room to rest while the others rehearsed. My head was pounding so hard I didn’t even notice I had my eyes closed for six hours until I felt someone sinking in my bed. As soon as I opened my eyes, I saw Luke sitting on the edge, holding a glass of water on one hand and an aspirin on the other. “You good?”
“Barely,” I said. My voice sounded groggy. I sat up in my elbows, popping the pill in my mouth and drinking it down with the glass of water in his hand.
“You don’t look so good,” he furrowed his brows, pressing the back of his hand on my forehead.
“Thanks,” I chuckled.
“That’s not what I meant,” he frowned. He knew I was joking. I took his hand from my forehead, intertwining my fingers around his until our hands fell back on my lap. He scooted closer to me, reaching for a kiss before I pulled back.
“I’m sick,” I shook my head. “We have a show in three days.”
He took a deep breath, burying his head on the crook of my neck. “It’s taking me all I’ve got not to kiss the shit out of your face.”
“Not helping,” I laughed. He lifted his head back up with a sad smile, bringing his palm to my cheek. I rested my head on his hand, enjoying every second as we stared at each other. There were no words needed.
“Get some rest, okay? I’ll come back tomorrow after the band meeting.”
“Tell me what happens, alright?” I smiled at him. He smiles back, leaning in for a kiss before realizing he can’t. So he planted a kiss on my hand instead. Like he always did. I couldn’t stop my face from turning red. I wanted to wipe that grin off my face if only he didn’t smile back.
For those hours I was left alone, all I could think about was that I needed him. I needed Luke. I thought of texting him, but I knew they were in their meeting with our publicist, so I shook the thought off. I was feeling better. I got excited for a second, thinking about the possibilities of spending the night with him again. God, he was the only thing on my mind. I needed Luke. I stared at the clock, thinking their meeting was probably over, so I did text him eventually.
Feeling better. Can't wait to see you :)
An hour has passed. I didn’t get a text back, but the message was read.