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1.
The first time Renjun confesses, Jaehyun thinks it’s a mistake.
Jaehyun’s eyes are dry, vision blurry from binge watching a show on his phone in his otherwise dark room for the past several hours. He could just get up from his bed and turn the lights on, but his professors had all conspired against him by having due dates this week, so all Jaehyun wants is to welcome the weekend laying in bed. Besides, his roommate has been talking about how good this show is and how he totally should watch it, and Jaehyun’s always happy to indulge Renjun in everything.
He's halfway through an episode, when a text from Renjun rolls on top of the screen, and even though Jaehyun hasn’t paused the show all night, he clicks on the notification immediately.
injun 2:13 a.m.
r u up? pls b up
It's unlike them to be texting at this hour, and Renjun had mentioned something about going out with his friends tonight—maybe he wants Jaehyun to pick him up? He starts fumbling around trying to find his keys just in case, but stops dead in his tracks when two more texts come through.
injun 2:15 a.m.
have i ever told how much i like you? i rlly like u
i like you so bad
Jaehyun blinks once, twice, three times, until he’s a hundred percent certain he’s reading what he thinks he’s reading. His eyes jump from the words to Renjun’s contact name to make sure it really is from him, the little fox emoji next to Renjun’s name staring right back at him.
Suddenly, it’s like his mind and his heart are running a marathon and they’re both trying to set a new time record. His skin flushes all over, his face heats up and he has to disentangle himself from his comforter to let the air conditioning cool him down.
He and Renjun are close enough friends that they might text random stuff sometimes and confide in each other from time to time. Jaehyun thinks Renjun is gentle and witty, probably the funniest, nicest roommate Jaehyun’s ever had. He likes how Renjun’s voice is sometimes the first thing he hears in the morning.
So Jaehyun reads the text again, trying to imagine Renjun's voice. I like you so bad. He can almost hear it in all its softness, and it makes him feel lightheaded, giddy. His stomach does a funny flutter, and his heart beats even faster. He brings a hand to his forehead to make sure he doesn’t have a fever, because surely the way his body is acting up means he’s coming down with the flu or something.
Jaehyun's phone lights up again.
injun 2:17 a.m.
im aslo super drnk rn lol
Oh.
Yeah, it would make sense. They're close, sure, but are they close enough for Renjun to randomly confess to him? If Renjun is drunk, it isn’t far-fetched to think that in his haze he texted Jaehyun by mistake.
Jaehyun’s giddiness turns into a frown, and his stomach churns unpleasantly at the thought. He thinks about texting back and asking Renjun about it, but decides against it, convincing himself it's for the better.
Having a crush on your roommate would make things awkward at best, complicated at most.
(Not that Jaehyun would know anything about it, even if the glimmer of hope sparking deep inside him might indicate otherwise.)
-
Jaehyun wakes up right before noon to an empty apartment.
He worries. Whenever he or Renjun won’t be coming home for the night, they let the other know. When he opens Renjun’s chat to ask if he’s alright, he’s immediately greeted with last night's texts.
He’d almost convinced himself he’d dreamed it, but he entertains the possibility the Renjun likes him, and he can't help the tiny giggle that escapes him.
“What’s so funny?”
Jaehyun’s head shoots up to find Renjun taking his shoes off at the entryway, a soft mile of amusement on his pretty face. Even though Renjun’s wearing sunglasses, Jaehyun can see the way his smile reaches his eyes, and it makes Jaehyun's heart race against itself.
“Nothing,” Jaehyun mumbles, begging his heart to slow down because he’s sure Renjun can hear it even from where he’s standing. “I was actually just about to text you if—“
“Dude,” Renjun blurts out, eyebrows peeking out from his sunglasses. The word feels foreign coming from him; Renjun has never called Jaehyun dude. “I got so hammered last night I don’t remember a thing.” Renjun speaks faster than usual, and the laugh he lets out feels off, like he’s nervous. “I’m never letting Donghyuck choose drinks for me. We ended up staying at his place since it was closer to the bar. I forgot to let you know, sorry.”
Jaehyun is caught off guard when a wave of disappointment hits him. It really was just a drunk text, and it likely meant nothing if Renjun doesn’t even remember a thing about it.
“Don’t worry about it. I’m glad you’re okay.” Jaehyun runs a hand through his hair, smiling at Renjun to mask his disillusion. Renjun carefully looks at him, and for a second it feels like they’re both hanging off the edge of a cliff. One false step and things would take a one eighty.
The moment passes as soon as it came when Renjun takes his shades off, the sunlight that rains in through the window making his eyes twinkle.
“I’m so hungover.” Renjun groans, wincing at the light. He slides his sunglasses back on with the cutest pout Jaehyun’s ever seen.
“Come on, I’ll make you breakfast,” Jaehyun offers.
Renjun’s pout turns back into a smile, and Jaehyun makes a mental note to check his temperature later, because once again he feels like he’s about to faint, thumping heart and flushed skin returning in a flurry.
2.
It’s all Doyoung and Jungwoo’s fault. (Especially Doyoung’s.)
They met freshman year, all majoring in marketing, and stayed friends throughout college, even living together for a while. That is, until a year ago during the beginning of their senior year, when they left Jaehyun to fend for himself after they found internships too far away from their shared apartment. Both Jungwoo and Doyoung moved in with their brothers, which had left Jaehyun in an awkward only-child situation.
And then Doyoung introduced him to one of his friends who was looking for a place to live. His name is Renjun, he’s a junior in applied music. He’s really nice, he’ll make a great roommate, Doyoung had said. I think you’ll really like him.
What a spot-on premonition that had been.
“I’m actually a little offended you never had a crush on me when we were roommates,” Jungwoo says, clicking his tongue.
The three of them are spending their Friday night hanging out at Jaehyun's apartment, and since Renjun was out, Jaehyun took the chance to tell them about the Incident™. It's been a week, and still Jaehyun can't get it out of his mind.
“I don’t have a crush on him,” Jaehyun mumbles. He just likes spending time with him and thinks he's cute, but he really doesn't have a crush on him.
Doyoung pats his back. "You just spent a week agonizing about wether he likes you or not. Jaehyun, you’ve been smitten with him since you met him. Sorry to break it to you, my guy, but you have a massive crush on your roommate.”
“I don’t have a crush on him,” Jaehyun repeats, adamant.
“God, I’m so glad I’m not an aquarius.” Jungwoo rolls his eyes. "You lot are so oblivious."
“Please don’t lump me in with him,” Doyoung says, mildly offended. “It’s not an aquarius problem, it’s a Jaehyun problem. He’s just really fucking dense.”
“This is all your fault.” Jaehyun sighs.
“You’re welcome for introducing you to the love of your life." Doyoung grins, and Jungwoo snickers.
So much for being his best friends, laughing at his tragedies.
Jaehyun gives up. He knows they just won’t let go, and the more he fights them the more they'll insist.
“Even if I had a crush on him, it’s not like he likes me back anyway.” Jaehyun slides back into the couch, the sudden Renjun-shaped pinprick in his heart making him pout.
Right then, as if to disprove his point, his phone starts ringing. It’s almost midnight, and two of the only three people that call him besides his parents are right here with him. The pout is immediately gone from Jaehyun’s face as soon as he sees the fox emoji pop up on his screen.
“Renjunnie’s calling,” Jungwoo coos as Doyoung mouths love of your life.
Jaehyun picks up immediately and covers his ear with his phone before it gives his blush away.
“Injun?”
“Nah, this is Hyuck.” There’s a slur to Donghyuck’s words, barely audible over loud music. “Renjunnie has something to tell you,” Donghyuck says, a devilish lilt in his voice. “And If he doesn’t in five seconds, I’ll tell you myself.”
There’s a mix of voices coming from the other end, like the phone is being passed around, and then:
“Jaehyun?” Renjun says his name in one breath, voice so clear and sweet all other sounds fade away.
“Yeah?” Jaehyun whispers, anticipation bubbling in his chest.
“This is important, okay? Please pay attention.'' Renjun says, and Jaehyun notices how his words smush together. In the background Jaehyun hears Donghyuck saying goddammit Renjun, just tell him already.
Renjun takes a deep breath
“I think about you a lot, Jae.” Renjun says, slowly, trying his best to articulate every word. “I meant what I said the other night.”
Jaehyun’s heart skips a beat.
“What do you mean?” Jaehyun plays dumb, even though he knows exactly what Renjun is talking about. He just wants to make sure they’re on the same page. Renjun had made such a point of not remembering anything from that night that Jaehyun doesn’t want to assume anything and make a fool of himself.
“You know, the thing I said a few weeks ago.” Renjun sounds hurt, and Jaehyun hates himself for it—he shouldn’t have pretended not to remember when it’s the only thing he’s been thinking about. “I really like you, Jae.”
There it is again, the hope rising in Jaehyun's chest, a smile tugging at his lips, and the rush of warmth all over his body. He scrambles to put together any coherent sentence, anything to not leave Renjun hanging, to erase the hurt in his voice. But he doesn’t even have the time to open his mouth, because Renjun speaks before he can.
“Anyway, Hyuck also wants to tell you something.”
Before Jaehyun can even blurt out his name, Renjun is gone.
“Injun said you were with your friends?” It’s Donghyuck again, and with his voice all other sounds come back, the music on their end and the voices of Jungwoo and Doyoung doing a god-awful job at hiding the fact that they eavesdropped the entire conversation. “I have an announcement, please put me on speaker.”
Jaehyun obliges, a little wary, praying this has nothing to do with him and Renjun.
“As you may or may not know, my birthday’s next week. I’m having a party at my place, and Jaehyun’s invited, obviously, as Renjun’s plus one.” Doyoung and Jungwoo riase their eyebrows suggestively, tempting Jaehyun to end the call for good. “Your friends can come too. Especially your hot friend Doyoung. He can be my plus one.”
Donghyuck hangs up, without giving Jaehyun a chance to even try and talk to Renjun again.
“At least someone’s getting laid at that party,” Jungwoo says.
“No way Jaehyun’s making a single move on Renjun.” Doyoung laughs.
“And you accuse me of being dense,” Jaehyun says, at the same time Jungwoo says, “See? It’s totally about you two being aquarius men.”
–
This time, Jaehyun wakes up to find Renjun and Donghyuck sitting at the kitchen table, hunched over a poor attempt at breakfast consisting of water and aspirin tablets.
“Hey,” he says, as quietly as he can. Renjun’s sick expression lights up with a smile as soon as he sees him. “Had fun last night?” Jaehyun starts the coffeemaker to save them from their hangover.
“I certainly did,” Donghyuck says, a teasing smirk plastered on his face as he looks back and forth between Renjun and Jaehyun.
“Yeah. Can’t remember most of it, though.” Renjun sounds nonchalant, but his shoulders have tensed up and he’s avoiding eye contact. “And I’m hungover as fuck,” he adds. Donghyuck hums in agreement, which breaks Renjun and Jaehyun out of the weird tension that was beginning to settle between them.
“I figured,” Jaehyun says, forcing a weak chuckle. He pours a mug and passes it to Renjun, his skin tingling pleasantly when their hands brush.
“Thanks, Jae.” Renjun smiles. Neither of them let go, the touch lingering a few seconds longer than it should. It would have lasted all morning, had it not been for Donghyuck complaining for them to get a room.
(Renjun’s blush makes him look so cute it’s all Jaehyun can think about for the rest of the day.)
3.
Jaehyun has never actually seen Renjun drunk.
They’ve spent a good part of Donghyuck’s party in the backyard, playing beer pong with his and Renjun’s friends. When Renjun introduced him every single one of them said something along the lines of ‘So you're Jaehyun.' A guy named Mark even went as far as saying "Dude, Renjun's talked so much about you," before Renjun death-glared him into silence. Even Doyoung had taken up on the invitation, the cool summer night air and the loud music giving everyone a welcome breather before finals started.
The beer-pong game had started with conspiratorial glances between their friends and ended with Jaehyun and Renjun being on the same team, and Donghyuck claiming Doyoung as his teammate for the night.
Since Jaehyun had promised Renjun he’d drive home, Renjun had literally taken more than one for the team. He’d never seen Renjun drinking before, and he was surprised to find out that he could actually hold his alcohol quite well. Despite all the beer and various shots, Renjun seemed tipsy at most—if the blush on his cheeks every time Jaehyun found his eyes was anything to go by.
The final round ends up being between them and Donghyuck and Doyoung. In the end, it's the birthday boy and Jaehyun’s hot friend who were declared reigning champions when Donghyuck throws the ball into Renjun's last full cup, much to Renjun's dismay.
“You don’t really have to drink if you don't want to," Jaehyun says, low enough so only Renjun can hear. "You can take it easy." Renjun drinks anyway, muttering something about getting back at stupid Donghyuck.
Eventually everyone breaks away to hang out in smaller groups and take advantage of the free booze. Renjun squeezes Jaehyun's arm and stands on his tiptoes, bringing his face so close to Jaehyun's he can feel Renjun's lips brush against his ear when he whispers, "Jae—"
He doesn't get to finish his question because he starts hiccuping, barely getting a breath in between. Jaehyun can't help but laugh a little.
"Let's go get you some water."
Renjun nods, mouthing the word kitchen, his smile interrupted halfway by another hiccup. He takes Jaehyun’s hand in his and the touch sends a tingle through Jaehyun's body. Renjun's hand is small and warm, and Jaehyun holds it tighter as Renjun guides him through the crowd and into the house.
The kitchen is quiet, with an opened window that overlooks the street, empty and silent in stark contrast to the backyard, and the after-midnight coolness seeps through. Renjun closes the door, drowning out the last remnants of music, and it’s like the world reduces to just the two of them.
Jaehyun searches around the fridge for a water bottle, hoping it will help sober Renjun up. When he finds one, Renjun downs it like it’s straight from the fountain of youth. He takes a deep breath, finally free from the hiccup fit, and then blinks like he's just seeing the world anew.
“Feeling better?” Jaehyun asks.
“Woah, you just came back into focus.” Renjun giggles, and Jaehyun can’t help but laugh with him. It’s one of those easy moments where he’s simply here, existing with Renjun. Renjun is the prettiest when he laughs, clear and airy, cheeks pink and head thrown back, carefree. Jaehyun hesitantly places his fingers on Renjun’s cheek, before running them down his face, the barest hint of a touch, and Renjun leans into it. Jaehyun wishes this was endless.
They lock eyes for a second before Jaehyun lets his hand drop, Renjun’s laughter turning into a shy smile and he busies himself with the bottles of mixers on the counter. His brows are knit together in concentration, the same way they do when he's studying or drawing. Jaehyun's always liked this side of Renjun, always has thought he looks dreamy when he's too focused on his work to notice anything else around him.
“Here you go," Renjun looks up, oddly making Jaehyun feel like he just got caught red-handed. He gives Jaehyun the cup, fingers brushing, touch lingering. "For taking care of me. Alcohol free, obviously.”
Jaehyun takes a sip of Renjun’s concoction, and has to hold back a wince: it tastes like straight up sugar. But he doesn’t say anything because Renjun made it especially for him—on second thought, the more he drinks it, the more he likes it.
“I didn't expect Doyoung to come,” Renjun says suddenly, as he plays with his empty water bottle, peeling the label off. “But I’m glad. Hyuck’s been crushing on him since they met.”
Jaehyun’s mouth hangs open. “No way.”
“Are you for real?" Renjun asks, sparing Jaehyun an eyebrow raise. "Have you never seen the way they act when they run into each other at the apartment?”
Jaehyun recalls the times Doyoung seemed to linger around Donghyuck with a stupid smile on his face, and how Donghyuck would cling to Doyoung's every word and laugh at his jokes no matter how unfunny.
“I had no idea.”
"Are you always this dense?" Renjun chuckles, but the loaded look in his eyes contradicts the smile on his lips.
“Apparently.”
“You’re so dumb,” Renjun says, and finally his smile reaches his eyes, twinkling with so much intensity Jaehyun is startstruck. Renjun’s glow pulls Jaehyun one, two, three steps in, until they’re as close as possible without touching, sparks like tiny fireworks the only thing between them.
“Can I tell you something?” Renjun murmurs, even though they’re alone. Jaehyun nods, and it feels so intimate he has to resist the urge of holding Renjun’s waist. “I really like you, Jae.”
Jaehyun brushes Renjun’s hair away once again, looking for his eyes, as if he could find what words to say, or find answers without having to ask questions. He doesn’t, but Renjun’s eyes are so bright, so honest, Jaehyun forgets how to breathe.
"I just thought I should tell you." A slight frown clouds Renjun’s face, and he's not meeting Jaehyun's eyes anymore. Suddenly time is back to its usual pace, and it isn't just he and Renjun alone in the world anymore, the muffled voices of everyone outside coming back, the music so loud even though he can't really hear it, he can feel the bass reverberating through. "Let's go back."
Renjun drags him outside again, but the hold on his hand is a lot weaker this time.
When they find Renjun's friends again, Mark, ever with the best intentions but the worst timing, blurts out, "Jaehyun, your ears are so red, man. Are you okay?"
4.
The fourth time Renjun confesses, Jaehyun really wants to kiss him.
After they went back outside, the light atmosphere of the party eased them back into drinking and bantering with his friends. They even play a rematch round of beer pong, and it’s almost as if nothing had happened. Almost, because while Renjun doesn’t leave Jaehyun’s side, the slight touches and furtive glances are gone.
(Jaehyun wants to reach out and hold Renjun’s hand, but he holds back instead. He doesn’t want to mess things up further.)
“Do you want to go home?” Jaehyun asks after Renjun yawns for the fourth time in less than ten minutes.
“I think so,” Renjun nods. They say their goodbyes, and Renjun’s friends make him promise they’ll see Jaehyun again. Renjun blushes, but doesn’t say anything else.
Donghyuck walks them to the door, Doyoung trailing after him, fingers intertwined.
"Do you want me to drive you home?” Jaehyun asks him.
Doyoung shakes his head, smiling. “I’m fine.”
"You stole my best friend, so I’m stealing yours." Donghyuck tsks.
Doyoung blushes, and Jaehyun's face is so warm he knows he’s blushing even harder. Renjun just mumbles for Donghyuck to shut up, and gives him a quick hug before stepping out the door.
Donghyuck grabs Jaehyun’s wrist before he can leave.
"You know how he feels,” Donghyuck whispers. “Whatever you decide to do—Just be gentle with him, okay?"
“I will.” Jaehyun promises, and follows Renjun outside.
-
The streets are empty and glazed with the night feeling of possibilities devoid of any consequence. Driving this late at night has always been one of Jaehyun’s little pleasures of life, every part of it enhanced by having Renjun next to him.
Jaehyun takes his eyes off the road long enough to steal a glance at Renjun, only to find him already looking at him. Renjun gives him a small smile before looking away.
They drive in silence for a couple minutes, Renjun’s playlist playing through the speakers. They always have music on at their place, and Jaehyun knows this playlist even better than some of his own. Renjun starts singing along, voice so delicate and soft Jaehyun turns the volume down just enough so he can hear him. The next song is Jaehyun’s favorite; it’s in mandarin, so he doesn’t understand the lyrics, but it’s mellow, tinged with a hint of gentle longing. Renjun’s voice is so much more mesmerizing when he sings in mandarin it leaves Jaehyun in a daze, enthralled.
“I really like that song,” Jaehyun whispers once it ends.
“I’ve always liked it, too.” Renjun waits until Jaehyun stops at a red light and looks at him to speak again. “Do you know what it’s about?”
Jaehyun shakes his head. Renjun answers in a quiet voice.
“Hopelessly liking someone. Feeling like it's unrequited, yet you can’t help but like them more and more.”
Renjun’s eyes hidden underneath his hair again. Jaehyun brushes them out of the way and under the soft glow of the streetlights, Jaehyun feels like he’s seeing Renjun for the first time. Renjun is pretty, Jaehyun’s always known, but it’s not just that. It’s how he’s always so kind, so sure of himself, so fun and smart. so talented and hard-working. Jaehyun has never met someone so cute, has never been so endeared by someone like he’s by Renjun—he’s truly the most gorgeous person Jaehyun has ever met, and there isn’t a day Jaehyun doesn’t think about him, and—
Oh.
Shit.
All the daydreaming, all the yearning, all the lingering and staring not being enough. He likes Renjun so, so bad, all of him. He is irrevocably crushing on Huang Renjun.
Doyoung was right. Jaehyun’s really fucking dense.
This would be the perfect moment for Jaehyun to confess, to tell Renjun that he really likes him too, that he thinks he’s the most amazing person he's ever met. Right now would be the perfect moment to kiss Renjun’s pretty lips, something he’s daydreamed about since he saw Renjun for the first time. It would be the perfect time, but Renjun is still a little drunk from the party, and Jaehyun doesn’t want to kiss him like this. If there’s one thing Jaehyun has learned from being oblivious and Renjun needing to spell things out for him several times, is that Renjun never remembers a thing he does when he’s drunk.
“Injun, I—” Jaehyun wants to do this right, wants to make sure they’re both sure of this, that they’ll both remember. Jaehyun wants to say all this, but he just ends up shoving his foot into his mouth. “You’re drunk, Injun.”
Jaehyun wishes he could take it back the moment he says it, Renjun’s face falling with a defeated sigh.
“Tomorrow,” Jaehyun says, hoping he can fix whatever just went wrong. “I promise.”
“Okay,” Renjun whispers, but he’s not meeting Jaehyun’s eyes anymore.
The stoplight changes to green, and they drive home in silence, except for Renjun’s song playing on loop.
–
Jaehyun tries bringing it up the next morning, as usual.
Renjun says he doesn’t remember, as usual.
Life goes on, as usual.
5.
Except it doesn't.
Finals start right after Donghyuck’s party, and that keeps Jaehyun (and Renjun) busy for a couple of weeks. Jaehyun holes up in the library because it’s the only place he can focus, works on the very last projects and studies for the very last finals of his undergrad career. It’s freeing, oddly nostalgic, and also scary as hell to go through, but he manages.
There’s also the Renjun situation.
Jaehyun barely sees him anymore, and when he does it’s awkward and stilted, like they’ve gotten into an unspoken agreement to carefully craft their conversations around everything but that night, and all the ones before it. Jaehyun tried bringing it up again the first few days because he doesn’t quite believe Renjun doesn’t remember, but Renjun always cuts him short, like he’s avoiding him. Jaehyun wanted to respect that, so he tried giving Renjun some space, leaving the apartment early in the morning and not coming back until after dinner most days.
(He tries not to think about it, but he really misses Renjun.)
It all adds up to make these last two weeks very stressful for Jaehyun, so when Jungwoo suggests going to a bar after walking out of their last final, Jaehyun couldn’t say yes any faster.
It only takes two beers for Jaehyun to let all his thoughts about Renjun run free, and two more to let it all out to Jungwoo and Doyoung, talking for almost ten minutes straight, both of them listening intently until he finishes it off with a sip of his beer.
“First of all, I’m still waiting for a ‘Thank you, Doyoung.’” Doyoung says, pursing his lips. “Second of all, I love you, but you’re a coward, Jae.”
Jaehyun gasps—he expected support, not to be called out. He turns to Jungwoo for back up, but Jungwoo just shrugs.
“I’m with Doyoung on this one. Renjun has told you he likes you like four hundred times. You haven’t told him a single time.”
“But he says he never remembers, so how can I even be sure he wants to confess, and doesn’t do it just because he’s drunk?” Jaehyun sighs, the alcohol in his own system making it harder to think this through.
“And you won’t know if you don’t talk to him, Jaehyun. It’s that simple.” Doyoung says, placing a hand on his back in reassurance.
“I don’t think you’ve ever even acknowledged it when he says it. it doesn’t matter if he’s drunk.” Jungwoo says
“But I’ve tried! He’s been avoiding me and I don’t know how to fix it,” Jaehyun pouts. When did this become so complicated?
“Jaehyun, you’ve got to stop thinking so much.” Jungwoo says matter-of-factly. “Just tell him ‘ Injun, I’m sorry for being so stupid and not realizing sooner.’” Jungwoo is crazy good at imitating Jaehyun’s deeper voice it makes Doyoung laugh. “But I like you so much it's unbearable. Can I kiss you now?’”
“What if he says no?”
“Then you can cry to us, that’s what we’re here for.” Jungwoo smiles.
“And at least it'll be more than what you’ve said to him so far." Doyoung adds. "You kind of owe it to him, Jae.” He says, patting Jaehyun's back.
If there’s another thing Jaehyun has learned these past few weeks, is that Doyoung is always right.
“I’ll talk to him. I promise.”
-
Turns out, talking things out is actually helpful. After the lecture he got (Jungwoo and Doyoung would say it was loving; Jaehyun would say it was almost parental), at least twenty pounds were lifted off his shoulders. Jaehyun feels light enough that he ends up having a good time—and one too many drinks.
By the time they call it a night, Jaehyun is still drunk enough that Doyoung insists on taking him home. He requests an uber, and the entire ride to his place Jaehyun is staring at his phone, Renjun’s chat opened, his thumbs hovering over the keyboard, debating whether he should say something right now. All he wants is to fix things, and even if Renjun is tired of waiting for him and it’s too late for something more to happen between them, at least he wants to go back to their friendship. The letters blur together, but he can still see that their last text was over a week ago, Renjun asking what time he was coming back and if had his keys with him because he was going out.
Jaehyun pats his pockets almost in a reflex, and funnily enough, he doesn’t have his keys tonight. It at least gives him an excuse to text Renjun a quick are u home? Omw, no keys. Then he adds a little :( to not sound too aloof.
He sighs and drops his head against the backseat, closing his eyes the rest of the way.
-
Renjun opens the door almost immediately, a slightly concerned expression on his face that softens as soon as he sees Jaehyun standing at the door, back leaning against the doorway for support.
“Jae—Are you drunk?
“Just a little.” Jaehyun says sheepishly.
“Are you okay?” Renjun holds his wrist and guides Jaehyun to the living room. Jaehyun’s sober enough he can walk on his own, but he lets Renjun do it. He’ll welcome any chance to be close to Renjun, even if it’s as feeble and weak as this.
Their small couch has never looked so, so enticing and Jaehyun plops himself right into it.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Renjun asks, concern clouding his face again. Jaehyun had forgotten just how much he liked Renjun’s pretty eyes and pretty lips. “Wait here, I’ll bring you some water.”
“’Kay,” Jaehyun says, snuggling into the throw pillows. He fully expected Renjun to open the door and hurry back to his room, and he’s relieved to find that that wasn’t the case.
Renjun comes back and gives Jaehyun his water, sitting on the opposite end of the couch. Jaehyun chugs it all down, and he sets his glass on the coffee table.
Renjun opens his mouth, but seems to think about it twice and doesn’t say anything. The silence is heavy, and Jaehyun absolutely loathes it. They had never had a silence like this, not even when they’d just met. He thinks back to Doyoung’s advice, and then Jungwoo’s script, which seems like the most sensible thing to try and fill the silence with. Apologize, confess, and hope for the best.
But the alcohol in his system and the pretty boy next to him make his brain short-circuit, so instead he blurts out:
“I’m stupid.”
Jaehyun frowns. That’s totally not how Jungwoo said it, but he’s forgotten the order he was supposed to say things in.
Renjun shoots him a quizzical look.
“You’re not entirely wrong,” he says, a smile timidly tugging at his lips.
“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun tries again, confident he’s nailing this whole confession business this time.
“For being stupid?” Renjun asks, a laugh escaping him. It’s the first time Jaehyun’s heard him laugh in days, and it helps dissipate some of the awkwardness between them.
“Yes—I mean, no,” Jaehyun stumbles over his words, nervous about fucking things up again and relieved Renjun’s being so receptive. “Sorry for being stupid, yes, but also for not saying anything earlier.” Jaehyun takes a deep breath, suddenly feeling very brave. “I have a crush on you, Injun, Would you let me kiss you?” He smiles triumphantly, sure he nailed it this time.
Renjun sighs, “You’re drunk, Jaehyun.”
Jaehyun’s giddiness disappears. This is it. Jaehyun had so many chances to say something, anything, to Renjun, and now it's too late. Renjun's gotten sick of waiting and he's moved on and now he's rejecting Jaehyun and it's well deserved but—Jaehyun stops, backtracks. Now he finally understands what Renjun felt all those times before. God, he feels awful. No wonder Renjun hates him now.
But now Jaehyun knows, first-hand, that he should just talk.
"You hate me," He says, the only thing he could hold on to from all his dizzying thoughts. "Sorry," he says, just in case. This isn't going the way he planned it to be, his mind and mouth not cooperating.
"What?" Renjun frowns, "No, Jae, of course I don't hate you. How did you even get there?"
"You said I'm drunk—
"—because you are."
"—right after I confessed."
Renjun scoots closer to him, and Jaehyun wills his eyes to focus so he can really take Renjun in. If he's going to get rejected, he might as well make as much of the moment as he can.
"Trust me, Jaehyun. You don't want to do this drunk."
"At least this way you'll remember," Jaehyun mumbles.
"Trust me, I will. I do." Renjun sighs, and hesitates before gently placing his hand over Jaehyun's. "I promise we'll talk tomorrow, okay? We both have to be sober for this." A small smile lights him up. "We can not keep confessing while drunk."
+1.
They both remember.
Jaehyun's hangover is surpringly mild, only a headache—nothing that can't be dealt with with medicine—but Renjun still insists on making a hearty breakfast for him.
"Let me take care of you for a change," Renjun says when Jaehyun tries to object that it isn't necessary. Jaehyun lets him.
The domesticity of having breakfast together is strangely comforting, and the romantic in Jaehyun hopes it's something that'll become a new normal.
They eat in silence, but instead of feeling like they have to fill it, it's just laced with anticipation. Jaehyun offers to do the dishes, Renjun offers to help put them away.
"So," Renjun drags the word. Jaehyun is staring intently at the sink, but he feels Renjun's eyes on him. "Last night?"
"I remember." Jaehyun says, unsure if he feels embarrassed, or happy, or both. Jaehyun stops what he's doing and turns to look at Renjun. "And all the others before last night. Do you?"
"I do." Renjun nods slowly, wearing a weak, apologetic smile. "Sorry I kept sending mixed signals, confessing and then pretending not to remember." Renjun chews on his bottom lip, eyes everywhere except Jaehyun. "And I'm extra sorry I avoided you these days." He sighs, finally looking at Jaehyun. "I was too afraid you were going to reject me, and I just didn't know how to deal with it."
Renjun sighs, like he's been holding this all in for a while, and saying it has left him weightless.
"I would never—I'm sorry, too, Injun. I never meant to reject you, ever. I was too scared of things being awkward." Jaehyun almost laughs at how pathetic that sounds now. "That night, when we were at the stoplight, I should've told you then. You were singing and I just—I just didn't want to tell you for you to forget it the next morning but that's when I realized how much I like you."
Jaehyun doesn't stop for a breath until everything is said, until everything has fallen into place, until Renjun's luminous smile makes him blush. Jaehyun knows this smile is just for him.
"Sorry, I don't think I caught that last part." Renjun giggles. "Can you say it again?"
Even saying the words feels foreign to Jaehyun, and he can't help getting shy at even the thought, mumbling incoherently.
"Come on." Renjun teases "I already said it a million times. I like hearing it from you for a change."
And Jaehyun has always liked indulging Renjun in everything.
"I really like you, Injun. Like, a lot. I like you so much." He leans in closer to Renjun every time he says like, like the universe has shifted and now Renjun's the sun, and Jaehyun is inevitably, irrevocably pulled to him. He holds Renjun's waist before asking, "Can I kiss you?
Renjun beams, smiling the prettiest smile, and Jaehyun has never wanted to kiss anyone breathless more than he wants to kiss Renjun right now.
"You're not even going to ask me out before trying to kiss me?" Renjun murmurs, not taking his eyes off Jaehyun's lips.
"Would you—"
Jaehyun doesn't get to finish his question before Renjun stands on his tiptoes and presses a light kiss on Jaehyun's lips. Jaehyun is too shocked to do anything for a second, but then he leans down to give Renjun a proper kiss, and it is awkward, and clumsy, like all first kisses are, but it's so much better than Jaehyun imagined kissing Renjun would be. Renjun is like sunlight on his lips, and Jaehyun really, really, likes it.
–
(They end up going on their first date that night, Renjun's hand small and strong in Jaehyun's hand, and he never lets go.)