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Kim thought he would shatter his phone with how hard he is gripping it. He stared down at the text message he was never expecting.
Chay <3: can we meet up? i think we should talk.
Kim replies with shaking fingers.
Kim: Of course. Give me a time and place and I’ll be there.
Kim winces a little. He hopes he doesn’t come off as desperate as he feels.
Chay <3: i’m outside your apartment rn
“Fuck!” Kim yells and dashes to the elevator. His hands shake as he presses the close door button and then the button for the lobby. Kim swears he has never felt like this elevator has gone so slow in his life. Finally, when the elevator reaches the lobby, Kim dashes out of the door and walks very briskly to the front doors.
Kim freezes in place when he sees Porchay outside. Porchay is shifting his weight from foot to foot. Kim notices that he keeps checking his phone.
He looks a little better now , Kim thinks. Kim steps outside.
“Chay,” Kim says, getting Porchay’s attention.
Porchay’s gaze snaps to Kim and Kim feels his breath leave his lungs. Porchay’s hair isn’t blue anymore. It’s black. Darker than his original dark brown hair. It suits him. Anything would suit Porchay, Kim thinks. The bags under Porchay’s eyes look less severe but they’re still there. Kim wishes he could kiss them away.
“Kim,” Porchay says a little breathlessly.
“We can talk upstairs if you would like?” Kim asks. Porchay gives him a small nod and says okay. Kim opens the door and ushers Porchay inside. Kim is achingly aware of how close they are as they walk together to the elevators. But their arms never brush once. Kim knows he’s not allowed to take Porchay’s hand into his own but that doesn’t stop him from imagining it.
When they reach the elevators, Kim wonders if Porchay noticed how Kim’s hands shake as he presses the button to call one of the elevators back down.
(Porchay does notice that his hands are shaking.)
The ride back up to Kim’s apartment is even more tortuous than the ride Kim took down. When they reach Kim’s penthouse, Kim brings Porchay inside. Porchay walks into the living room and takes a seat on the couch. Kim hesitates next to the couch.
“Can I get you something to drink?” Kim asks.
“No thank you, I’m okay,” Porchay says quietly. Kim nods his head and takes a seat on the chair that is next to the couch. Kim watches as Porchay’s knee shakes. Kim remembers both of them sitting on that couch watching movies. Kim would lay his hand on Porchay’s knee and the shaking would stop.
“I’m sorry,” Kim says, breaking the silence.
Porchay’s eyes stare directly into Kim’s. Kim doesn’t let himself be scared, he just basks in having Porchay’s full attention.
“What are you sorry for?” Porchay asks.
“Everything,” Kim replies quickly. “I’m sorry for lying to you at the beginning. I’m sorry for using you to gather information about your brother. I’m sorry for being selfish and falling for you.”
“That day outside your apartment. Why did you let me believe you didn’t care about me?” Porchay asks, voice steady as steel.
“After I found out your brother wasn’t the mole, I started investigating your parent's death. It was suspicious and I had a feeling that something else was a play,” Kim says.
Porchay hums. “Well, you were right. Something else was at play.” Kim raises an eyebrow at him. “Either your father or your uncle killed my father. Honestly, I don’t know the exact truth. But we know one of them did.”
Kim’s jaw drops. Porchay says it so nonchalantly. Everything clicks now in Kim’s brain. Especially considering the phone call a few days ago that Kim received from Kinn. Kinn had told Kim that their father was still alive; and coincidentally, so was Porsche and Porchay’s mom. Kinn had said that he and Porsche were trying to find information on Korn. Kim was glad that Porchay seemed to know all of this information too. Kim made a promise to himself weeks ago that if Porchay ever asked him anything, Kim would tell him nothing but the truth. No matter how much it hurt. Kim grips the fabric of his pants.
“I don’t trust my father,” Kim says.
“Neither do I,” Porchay replies easily. Kim feels his lips tug up into a small smile. “Neither do hia and P’Kinn. They’re investigating him.”
“Porsche told you?” Kim asks.
“I told hia that he’s no longer allowed to keep huge secrets from me. That was one of my conditions for forgiving him,” Porchay says.
“And what are my conditions?” Kim asks.
“What makes you think I want to forgive you,” Porchay replies.
“Call it fools optimism,” Kim says. Kim watches as Porchay tries to hide the small laugh he lets out.
Kim gulps. “I’m sorry for running away.” Kim watches as Porchay schools his face. “I’m sorry for running away from what I felt because I thought it would be easier.”
“Was it easier?” Porchay asks softly.
Kim scoffs, more at himself than at Porchay. “God no. It really wasn’t. Not when I thought about you every day. Hoped and prayed that you were okay. It was torture not being with you. It felt like a part of my soul died each day I didn’t see you.”
It feels like my heart is living outside of my body , Kim had said to Kinn. And here was Kim’s heart. Sitting on his couch. Wearing a light blue and gray flannel over a white t-shirt, a silver chain and dark blue jeans. Here was Kim’s heart, allowing him to speak to him again.
“You really hurt me,” Porchay says.
Kim feels his throat bob. He pushes past the anxiety that fills him. He pushes past the feeling that he should run away again. He’ll never run away again.
“I know. And not a second goes by where I don’t regret that. I can only ask you to believe me when I say that. I can only ask you to believe me when I say that I would never hurt you again,” Kim says.
“You can’t know that,” Porchay says. “You can’t know that you won’t hurt me again. What if you accidentally run into me?” Porchay says with a small smile.
Kim feels his heart get lighter at the small smile on Porchay’s face. He allows himself to feel hope.
“Fine, I would never intentionally hurt you again,” Kim amends.
Porchay hums and he finally looks away from Kim. Kim watches him pick at a loose thread on this t-shirt. Kim watches Porchay as his eyes scan the penthouse. Kim allows himself to really look at Porchay. Porchay has started to part his hair and it makes him look even more handsome. The jeans that Porchay is wearing are tighter than most of the pants Kim has ever seen Porchay wear. Kim notices the callouses on Porchay’s fingers. The ones that mean he is still playing music. That’s good. Kim would be devastated if Porchay stopped playing music.
“We can’t go back to how things were,” Porchay breaks the silence.
Kim shakes his head. “Nor would I want them to. I couldn’t be completely honest with you before. I don’t want to go back to that.”
Porchay hums. “You know, it was actually hia who convinced me to talk to you.”
“I thought he wanted me dead,” Kim says.
“Oh, he does,” Porchay laughs. “But he said I could never get closure if I never talked to you.”
“Is that what this is? Closure?” Kim feels his throat close up. If Kim has to watch Porchay walk away, he doesn’t think he could ever recover.
“Would you let me walk away if it was?” Porchay asks.
“Yes,” Kim whispers. It would kill him, but he would.
Porchay hums again. “I’m not walking away.”
Kim feels his world shift. He wonders if the tension leaving his body is visible. Kim wants to jump up from his chair and cheer. He wants to run over to the couch and pick Porchay up and spin him around. It takes every ounce of Kim’s self-control, but he refrains.
“Can we, maybe start off slow? Start off as friends? So that way I can get to know the real you?” Porchay asks.
“Yes,” Kim says. “We can go at whatever pace you’re comfortable with. I would be more than happy to be your friend.”
"Okay," Porchay gives Kim a small smile. Kim can't help but smile back at Porchay.
Porchay suddenly gets up from his spot on the couch and flings himself down onto Kim's lap. Porchay circles his arms around Kim's shoulders and tucks his face into Kim's neck. When Kim's heart starts again, he wraps his arms around Porchay's waist and hooks his chin on Porchay's shoulder. This is definitely not a hug that friends do but Kim doesn't care. He could stay like this forever.
"It was you at Yok's right?" Porchay says into his ear. "You took all those men down."
Kim's grip on Porchay tightens. "Yeah."
"Thank you," Porchay says.
"You don't have to thank me for protecting you," Kim whispers.
"I almost wish I could've seen it," Porchay says. "There were, like, a dozen guys and you took them all on your own. That's so insane."
Kim feels himself blush. "I would do more to make sure you were safe."
Porchay doesn't say anything but Kim hears him gasp quietly.
"Does that scare you?" Kim asks.
Porchay finally leans back and looks Kim in the eyes again. Kim can't help himself when he cups Porchay's face.
"You don't scare me," Porchay says.
"You scare me," Kim admits.
Porchay's smile is blinding when those words leave Kim's mouth. Kim feels his heart beat faster.
"Good."