Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

•••••

[Intro/Chorus: Changbin, Felix]
Sorry that I like you, I'm sorry
I'm sorry for liking you
Sorry that I like you, I'm sorry
If liking you is wrong
Sorry that I like you so much, I'm sorry
I tired to hide my feelings, but I guess it was too obvious
I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I like you

_

Present Day.

_

His blossoming paradise was ruined.

The flourishing heaven that it once was- now laying in his hands with no way of tracing back to it's gorgeous originality.

How it used to be perfect and flawless from outside eyes- the red whirlpools that were so captivating and satisfying to stare at- unable to show the ways of how ideal they previously once looked.

It was now a pure horror.

An ugly sight that was poking out of place and folding along his bare skin; sticking along like a gooey mold unwilling to even let go.

It was entirely crunched and distorted into the very depths of his grip- gone from whatever appealing presence it could've given.

He hesitantly spreads out his quivery fingers- wishing to get rid of the invisible pressure stuck to his strained hands- and quickly passes a quick grateful breather that the flowers were stripped from thorns of any sort. Knowing well that his palms would be throbbing with pain and drowned in blood if they weren't.

He timidly blinks his gaze down- forcing himself to finally lock his pupils onto the eyesore he had created. To finally see how horrid the packaging had become; how it was no longer flawlessly spotless and squeaky clean. Shaping more into an outcome that was handpicked and arranged by little five year old with such innocent certainty. 

Even the plain thought of it- of how he had just about demolished and disarranged everything that was in his hands- erases the whole ability of ever staying strong. Now feeling the need to bawl his eyes out within a few seconds- nothing but the hard ass ground to cushion him. Already crawling towards the very verge of releasing the loudest sobs that would only gain sneers and rude looks from others peering down at him.

How he wished he hadn't ever thought of the idea. How he yearned that none of this was actually going to go down in the next few minutes.

Just about to do anything in his own power, praying and begging on his very knees, to be transported back home- where he could wake up to only recall this as a refreshing dream.

But he was nowhere near sleep; or a fake reality.

He was here with flowers gripped so tight the petals were about to explode in his hands. Failing to control his fidgeting body while still having the audacity to sweat like a worried pig.

He was here, prepared as it may seem, and yet didn't have the tiniest hint as to how he convinced himself to do this.

He had no idea- not even the slightest clue- as to how he persuaded himself to do this.

Knowing this bizarre impulse could either let him fly- exploring the beautiful vast skies. Or could cut his wings straight off his back- being a disgrace amongst others.

He knew it was something that took deep gut.

That it took the strongest determination and the most sincere honesty.

And he didn't know where it appeared in the first place; abruptly and surprisingly popping out for a friendly visit.

But it was there.

There and forcefully tied to him when he had marched straight out of his apartment room; head held so high that his neck was going to pop off.

It was clinging onto him with envious power when he had first stepped foot into the nearest store; smiling like a weird goof on drugs when he had purchased the beautiful flowers personally calling out to him, despite the millions of others.

And it somehow still managed to remain there as he had walked into the latter's apartment building- gliding down the hallway with too much ease. Feeling like it was only a simple detour; being a slight breeze that combed through his hair without any unforeseen worries.

But once his pupils locked on the door, onto that single piece of shit, it had vanished into thin air; evaporating like nothing happened. Like it hadn't pleasantly tagged along throughout his whole journey.

He now knew how naïve he was thinking- understanding that he shouldn't have stuck to that sudden motivation. That he should've just stayed put under his covers and only simply fantasize over all the confidence he could have- wanting to be well locked away from the hostile and brutal world.

If only he didn't make such a mindless mistake- if only he had actually sat and thought about it- maybe he wouldn't be currently faced against a boring wooden door posing as his only barrier; giving out a disgraceful obstacle to his own personal goal.

His hands go back to holding onto the flowers for his dear life- forgetting in an instant about letting out his tension and uneasiness; like that reminder was no longer important to him anymore. Resuming on choking the poor things like they were to float away- declaring that the thirty bucks he used was now a waste for such a nice batch of the colored stems and silky petals.

He studies the golden letters that were floating down to his eyes, glaring at him like they were judging when he was finally going to get his shit together and finish it it once and for all; sick of watching him stand in the same position for ages.

It was as if the rusted numbers had critical eyes; no longer serving the purpose of happily showing the room digit but instead taking over the job to watch him with vicious sneers.

The man shifts the flowers from hand to hand- understanding himself that he shouldn't be standing around like a lost soul- and starts to swallow down chunks of air. Now trying to recollect the lost confidence and determination; hiding away how he was previously wandering like a stray.

He begins to twist and mold his face up into a practiced smile- being the exact one he endlessly studied and practiced on the nights that bored him. Knowing by heart how it never failed to compliment the small hidden dimples or how it highlighted his cheeky grin. Flaring up every unique detail that made him look priceless; worth more than anything possible.

Everything quickly finds their placement: from the eyes that were pulled up into half shaped crescent moons, to the happily straight teeth shining out a genuine smile, even wandering its way to his nose scrunched up with joy- he looked fairly ready and prepared fully in every aspect possible.

All he simply needed to do was to not fuck it up.

"Felix.." he immediately shakes his head in disappointment, already butchering his limited rehearsals at how high pitched his voice had been crafted into; completely missing the original angle he was shooting for.

He tries once again, disregarding how his brain was fogging up with concern, and aims for a slightly calmer and deeper feeling. Wishing that he could somehow mimic the same deep tone and timbre the younger held; desiring to sound entirely like that.

"Hey Felix.." he pauses only to heave loudly at the second failure. Getting his eyes to uneasily sweep to the back of his head at the mistake he couldn't quite get rid of; stuck firmer than gum.

"I-I wanted to tell you.." he swallows, halting once again as an embarrassing stutter rolls up to greets his ears.

He apprehensively licks his lips and forces himself to continue on, "I need to tell you.."

He sternly exhales and rocks back on his heels- getting him to grip tighter onto the flowers until another loose stem breaks from the sudden harsh pressure; showing that his brief time of coping with the tension only generated more of a humiliating mess.

He knew all of this would be way harder than what the little voice in his head had deluded him with. That- even if he wanted to believe such an ignorant lie- it wouldn't be an effortless in and out. It wouldn't be quicker than a blink. Or faster than a rapid heartbeat. There was no way it could be a small confession and then bam. He was done.

If only it was that simple.

"I came here to tell you that.. I mean, I really need to say that.. I.." he stumbles along badly- unsure of how exactly he pictured this conversation would begin.

He scolds himself for being stupid and uneducated to not practice at home; understanding now, though it was too late, that he should've planned ahead. That he should've managed to give himself some time to overthink it again and again before just inviting himself right in front of Felix's old crusty doormat- now suffering through a last minute cram.

He detaches one of his hands from the crinkly package and rushes it up to his head- finding its way past the messy locks of hair before beginning to rub his temple in ruthless motions. Using the action as a way to inform and criticize himself on how foolish he was getting; being a moron to come out like this and immediately assume Felix felt the same way.

It was like something had unexpectedly clicked into place. That something had dared to show its true colors- letting him instantly comprehend how crazy all of this was. That he was an idiot who thought dumb meaningless flowers could start to express it all.

He knew he couldn't just throw away years of friendship with a single confession sentence; that he couldn't freely ruin something that was so rare and meaningful to the both of them.

He couldn't be so fucking self centered just because he needed to get something off his chest.

He just couldn't.

Anger shoots through his veins and it forces him to stumble away from the door with slight shock- feeling as if a venomous drug had psychically slapped him right back into reality. Dragging him away from the misleading daydream and immediately clearing up the clouded thoughts; sketching a clear map so he wouldn't ever get lost in such crazy impulses again.

Stinging tears begin to prick the corner of his eyes, teasing and mocking him with a certain thrilled pleasure, as it leads him to pop up a hand. Worryingly wiping away the ones that had breached the surface; cautious to not be caught crying in front of someone's entryway.

It felt as if everything was squashing him down; overwhelming the man to the point where he could no longer stand it. Permitting the secretive rage kept inside to make a grand entrance as he swiftly yanks the flowers toward the floor with every slice of strength left; fulfilling his hidden wish as the small red petals escape and flutter away from their home.

That's when he starts to loose it.

Smothered in all the unwanted voices nagging at him from each and every direction- fueling up his own uncontrolled power as he starts to stumble against the carpet carelessly. Tripping over his ankles and legs as he was already searching for the nearest exit.

He rushes past the first pair of heavy doors he sees- easily finding a promised way out of the rotting hell- and nearly flies down the floors of stairs without a single flick of hesitance. Hearing how his own urgent echoes couldn't even keep up as he runs smoother than the wind.

It felt like an eternity- counting the swirling stairs one by one, set by set, step by step; as if they were never ending. Driving him to run faster than the speed of his rapid clacking heels- pushing himself to not even stop in the slightest until he was greeted with the chilly air.

The dark night was already awaiting his arrival- doing its job to immediately shine down the bright stars that were carefully sprinkled around the glowing moon as he takes his first step outside. Looking so gorgeously fake and beautiful that it somehow managed to solely target him; mocking and insulting how wimpy he looked while rushing out. Glaring and scoffing at what a pathetic loser he was.

He wipes away the tears that had somehow snuck out and enwraps himself into a loose hug- giving up on staying strong and firm. Relieved, yet still disgraced and disturbed, that he had finally lost against himself.

"You're so stupid..." he whispers out loud. Shivering against the cold that was filling up his aching lungs with biting frost.

"So, so, so fucking stupid. You're so stupid, Changbin... so stupid.. so dumb.. " he ignores his tears falling down onto the icy ground, watching them leave their own footprints for a brief moment.

He had become unaware of how firmly those words were starting to stick. As to how they were connecting themselves onto Changbin like a nagging tick; feeding off his self pity.

Shaping him to believe that what he said was the whole entire truth- that he was a loser. That he was acting immature and clueless. That he was nothing. Letting that all hang heavily on top of his shoulders; the misery trapping him into a deep hole that had no escape.

If only it was possible for him to understand how wrong he was. For him to learn that he wasn't stupid at all.

That the process of motivation, excitement, and happiness shouldn't be wasted and thrown away that easily.

That he was allowed to feel such things.
That he was right all along.

That if only, and only if, while Changbin had been fighting against his feelings a few seconds ago. There was someone, creepy as it may seem, looming around the corner- hiding away from peering eyes.

That it was while Changbin was talking to himself like a maniac in front of some random's door, that there- lying perched behind a little potted plant perfectly made- was a man.

And even though it was utterly crazy- that man was watching the whole thing unfold within their own eyes. Luckily being concealed from sight and out of anyone's pathway the whole time as he had observed Changbin's feelings burst and evaporate straight out of his body.

That if only Changbin knew that the one who he was hoping for beyond the door was actually just right behind him. Crouching only a few simple feet away.

Making it so much easier.
So, so much easier.

But that was only if he had known.

It was only if he had known that the one he was trying to confess to had heard and understood everything; just like he hoped.

If only Changbin knew that Felix was there too.

And that he felt the exact same way.

- end -

•••••

Chapter Text

•••••

[Verse 1: Lee Know, Han, Changbin, Hyunjin]

I can't, I can't hide my feelings for you anymore
(For you anymore)
I bravely take a step closer to you (to you)
But this step was never easy
I made up my mind long ago, but I still needed more time
But maybe I took too long
Our timings were off, I feel like I'm being punished
What I did to get closer to you was rather
Building a wall between us, I'm speechless
I blame myself, I blame you
I don't know whom to blame, my resent grows
Trying to break down the wall between us just breaks my heart
While making my mind up, I missed the most important one, you
When I gave you the movie ticket, you were just so happy
But now I'm unintentionally pressuring you
I just wanted to be with you, the two of us, together
The tickets were just an excuse

-

Spring.
Of last year.

_

‘Do it, Minho.
Do it now.’

He sighs softly at the voice- briefly implying how exhausted all of this was becoming.

Annoyed to the extent of how the certain bitter and sour ring always popped out for a friendly greeting; lurking in the dark depths of his brain from etching its proud way into every single crack. Never forgetting to always leave classic scars after every visit.

He ignores it; unwilling to let the constant nagging and irritation occupy his attention. Plainly hoping and praying he could forget how entirely right the bossing thing always was.

‘C'monnn, Minho.
It's not that hard.’

The struggle to hold himself together quickly slides away from him. Letting the voice grab back his awareness in a second and swiftly demolish whatever strength he had to use against the tortuous thing.

He shifts restlessly in his seat, frustrated by the fact that he failed to tune out the tiresome voice, and it pushes him to shape up a disgusted frown on his face. Knowing and now accepting that even if he didn't want to do what his mind ached, then nothing was ever going to help his case.

So he obeys in defeat.
Doing precisely what he was first instructed.

He instantly pops out a gentle hand that was previously buried in the depths of his pockets and trails his fingers up to clench around the smooth arm rest. Focused as to how they smoothly slide against the fabric- permitting him to discretely wipe his sweaty palms in the short process.

Minho automatically sinks deeper into the chair in hopes that he could attempt to disguise the sudden movement like he was only readjusting for more comfortableness- even if it was quite evident he was bad at doing so.

He begins to wobble his gaze over to the latter seated next to him. Observing the details as to how they were naturally perched up and still snacking on the small crumbs of the popcorn. His eyes unconsciously gazing around at the long skinny fingers that dangled from their lips as the man slowly pushes the leftovers to savor and taste against his tongue- attempting to collect every single piece left even though it was all hard crunching kernels.

‘He's literally right there.
And it's dark.
No one will see.’

Minho looks around his surroundings. Wanting to prove to himself that the theater was in fact still remaining with the scattered people far from them; identical and unchanging like each time it had been.

Knowing well, even if he didn't want to believe it, that no one would suddenly look over and gape at him with utter disgust and horror; that no one would just suddenly stand up and announce his own immatureness. He knew nothing crazy or bizarre would ever occur; yet he could already see it unfold vividly before his eyes.

Minho tries to comfort himself with the fact that it was pitch black in here; too difficult to even see the slightest flinch flutter among anyone. The massive bright screen doing its job at holding everyone's given attention- rotting and ruining their vision while at it.

‘It's now or never.’

Minho averts his fuzzy stare down to his main goal- trying hard to erase his jumbled up thoughts- before swiftly spotting the latter's other small hand laying effortlessly against his jeans. Watching as the younger softly fidgets with the rips in his pants that complimented the light toned skin; looking like pure elegance.

He notes how each knuckle solely sits around with a certain look that was nearly waiting and pleading to be touched. Getting Minho to think that this was his perfect chance after all.

‘C'mon, you got nothing to lose.
It's worth a shot.’

Minho blinks- wishing he could rip out the unsupportive and awkward thoughts. Wanting to ask it to shut up; to let him be alone; to get the fuck out; for the voice to leave and never return.

Though he only gives off a small stretch in return, attempting to wash away the remaining emotions left, as he starts to work with the poorly given advice. Sneakily shifting his hand up further against the arm rest while as his legs expand out wider; using it as another spare excuse.

Minho timidly swallows down a breath and shifts around his eyes to study how his own fingers thoughtlessly begin to brush against something warm and comfy. Pinpointing instantaneously that he had just connected to the cheery sweater the latter had on- observing how overwhelming warm and soft it felt against his fingertips.

‘You're such a creep.
Touching his sweater like that.
What if he feels it?’

Minho quickly jerks his fingers away from the small caressing- understanding that it did most likely look odd if he was actually caught- and pushes back his head into the game. Glancing back around to the small hand that still hadn't moved the slightest, awaiting for Minho to finally step forward and be brave for once. Lingering around just so he couldn't chicken out anytime soon.

‘It's right there.
That simple.
One move and you're done.’

Minho lightly sighs out and widens his fingers out once more, repeatedly warming every single bone up for the thing that would determine the rest of his life- unaware himself of how naïve he thought that this single action was going to sum up if he were to die alone or not.

It was a huge step, that was for sure.
But even if it was a big deal- he's got this.
Minho could do it. Right?

‘Yes.
Maybe.
Eh.. probably not.
You'll be fine.
Just hurry your ass up already.’

Minho nods to himself, swallowing back down all the soda and popcorn that he wanted to barf up in nervousness. Piercing his mouth into a thin line at trying to keep his stomach from collapsing and exploding against him- desperately needing to excuse himself to the bathroom.

Minho knew well that he didn't have the whole entire movie to stall- though he still makes time to remind himself of the rewards that could come; to be able to make his life long desires true.

That he could be able to touch the latter's tiny hand- to finally feel how baby soft it always looked. Wanting to know in the tiniest ways of how it smelled- or to run his finger off the younger's sharp knuckles and trace the unique fingerprints. To linger the hand up to Minho's lips and gently indent small kisses- childishly wanting to know how it tasted against him.

He wanted the hours of only fake imagination to come alive right before his eyes.

And that's exactly what pushes him to finally lift his palm off the arm rest.

His hand awkwardly pops straight into the air- hanging like it was dead and useless. Making his eye enlarge with worry at understanding how unnatural it looked; like he was in the midst of going to itch his head though was stopped halfway.

Minho's eyes dart back around to the man, catching onto how the latter's pupils were still glued and focused on the big screen- paying no attention whatsoever to Minho in the least. Permitting another sigh to pass with unknown reassurance and relief, thanking the gods he wasn't caught this time around.

He passes a quick pause for his chaotic mind before urgently resuming to crawl his elbows down even further- now more concentrated on filling his hand with a better sense of life. Still trying his best to keep it hidden in the glooming dark as he slowly inches his fingers out.

He knew he was stuck in a risky position. Already being a clear fact that if the man would ever so glance over, he was screwed; all of it gone in a heartbeat.

But as he feels how the pad of his thumb had successfully made it to the cushiony seat next to him- it proves to Minho that he had already come so close, just centimeters away, that backing out wasn't an option now.

So he continues to urge on. Watching cautiously as one of his small lone fingers starts to make its own solo journey- taking the next step of barely brushing against the younger's thigh. Letting him notice the specific way of how the smooth denim jeans grazes against his skin; enlightening Minho with the sudden new fresh touch.

Finally, he gets a reaction.

Making his heart nearly burst straight out of his rib cage and splash all over the floor. Shooting his own stomach back up into his throat and this time thinking he was going to have to ask to pass the popcorn bowl to puke his whole digestive system out.

He watches as Jisung rotates his head around with eyebrows lifted up and behind his bangs, showing that he was somewhat shocked to feel the small fingers brush against his thigh. Successfully taking his full attention off the shining screen as his eyes twinkle back and become occupied on the elder's; who was trying his best to not suddenly withdraw.

Minho had no clue on what to do. In the middle of a tough situation that made it impossible to count the reasons in favor or opposed to him. Being the hardest decision that couldn't ever be solved.

He watches Jisung bend his gaze down to Minho's hand- absorbing all the information and tiny details for himself. Fixed on how it was lightly and barely grazing against his skin; holding an undeniable kind touch.

The younger presses a sudden small smile to himself, getting Minho to look up questioningly from missing the warning beforehand. Aching to know what that little smirk of a grin meant.

The latter swiftly shifts his hand around, refusing to let Minho wonder for too long, as he flips it upwards against his own lap- starting to wiggle around the fingers. Taking a beat off of Minho's heart and welcoming him deep inside; guiding the elder out of his shy shadow as a supporting beam.

Minho hesitates for a split second, shifting his eyes back up at Jisung for real clarification. That he wasn't just purely messing around with him. That Jisung wasn't going to suddenly back out and make fun of him. That Minho wasn't going to wake from his dream-like reality in the next few seconds.

That Jisung really did want to hold his hand.

Minho attempts to calm himself for a brief moment. Unwilling to admit how fast his heart was beating, hiding away how his breath was getting stuck and nearly choking him, and tries his best to not allow Jisung's beautiful fingers to wait around.

He hurriedly gathers back the confidence he first needed- forcing it back in to place- and finally steps out from under the dark clouds. Showing just how brave he is.

He steadily starts to weaves his fingers slowly into Jisung's. Linking it in between the spaces only meant for him and pressing his palms into the baby-soft skin, feeling a thousand times better than what his brain had made up.

Jisung's skin was so sleek that it felt like laying your hand perfectly on top of motionless water; the type of softness that was almost unexplainable until you yourself felt it. And it affects Minho in such ways that he wanted to play with the hands until they would make his own that soft.

Jisung displays a great cheeky smile to himself, slowly creeping around and bending in as close to Minho that he could get. Allowing every single touch to be treasured and cherished between them.

The younger ignores the arm rest that had pushed its way into his rip cage, and pulls Minho's hand- the one that was still clenched onto the latter's for dear life- around his shoulders. Safely planting the latched fingers on top of his fuzzy sweater; being crossed so tightly they were to be paralyzed in the next few minutes.

The elder watches nervously as Jisung tilts his head around, unwilling to waste a single precious second, as he steadily rests it on top of Minho's shoulder- snuggled and stuck to the very crook of his neck.

The younger relaxes deeper onto him, seeming comfortable in his new home, and it lets Minho have a smug look unknowingly creep up on his face. Forcing himself to now push back his focus to the movie despite the millions of butterflies that had exploded into every corner of his stomach.

Minho tenderly blinks for a second before sighing against Jisung, gently craning his chin down to smell the milky hair- feeling how it stroked and tickled against his cheeks. Now being able to see how much prettier and beautiful the world was on top of Jisung's head.

A small beam manages to break out- feeling so joyous that words couldn't start to describe such an emotion. Noticing how every ounce and pound of happiness was fighting to fit in; shaping it to be a genuine thing that came on rare occasions.

It was a pure smile.

‘You did it, Minho.
You did it.’

_

Fall.
Of last year.

5 months after.

_

He couldn't stop shaking.

Trembling and bouncing up so hard he could feel his own brain banging against his skull.

His teeth beginning to spew out foreign words with hasty blinks sucking back in unwanted tears- all because he could control his shuddering.

And it didn't matter how hard he was straining himself to remain still. To pretend like he wasn't burning to his gruesome death. Struggling to even get rid of how he looked like he was having a full blown panic attack; so helpless to control it.

Even if he had pleaded and begged- everything betrayed his thoughts. Permitting his own legs to bounce uncontrollably. Getting his own pounding heart to tune in and coincidently speed up faster than one could even imagine.

Even his own breaths were consistent by staying forced and choked down- still sucking in the most smallest chunks that he could barely manage to devour. Making him feel that his lungs were bleeding from just trying to get a single inhale down his dry throat; praying he would somehow survive.

He knew, hopelessly, that he needed to calm himself down- to tear away from the exhausted thoughts that were mocking the best out of him; ones that were waiting around to plainly torture him in the most evil way possible.

And he knew he could do it.

He knew well enough deep down inside that he could easily calm himself down, even if it was hard.

He knew could stop his crazily shaking and thumping brain on the verge of breaking.

He knew he could well gather his floating thoughts and finally think straight.

He knew he could do all of that if he frantically needed to.

But what he failed to do in the slightest- the one absolute thing he couldn't do, the one thing that made him feel stuck- was to forget.

Not a single strip- or even the tiniest detail- was willing to escape from his sharp grasp. Remaining stuck and unmoving with determination; someone who was enjoying their stay a little too long.

It felt as if he was rather forced to remember- to go through the pain of thinking it all through again and again. Making that gloom above his head stay stuck like a loyal puppy as he could never begin to forgive himself.

Minho darts his eyes down, now focusing his solemn gaze to be staring at the dried and cracked knuckles. Studying all he could on how they are tightly fasten together- trapped in place while looking coated and stained from blood.

He blinks past the un-human like hands, ignoring how ugly they were with the veins that were popping out thicker than mountain ranges, and begins to study the packaged cheesecake laying in his lap. The one that used to hold the adored ability of being deliciously mouthwatering; recollecting on the beautiful power it once used to hold.

He recalls distinctly as to all the trouble he had gone through just to get a single glinting cheesecake in his palms; from rummaging around the endless of shops to poking through the depths of twisted stores. Being presented the most expensive to the most cheapest, ones that were absolutely divine and fancy to ones that were boring and plain, ones used in formal events compared to ones that were forgotten at a birthday party- they were all there.

And yet, even with the constant hard work, he had chosen the most simplistic one that called out to his curious eyes.

It had been one that was decorated with little happy swirls on the bared sides- plastered with frosting lit from vibrant and fluorescent colors, all while looking like it was done by a true angel's hand. Being so elegantly and carefully carved with such a precious touch they almost looked fake to lingering gazes.

It was a whole setup that had become beyond perfect. With the cheesecake that was happily locked away in it's own small world while being blissfully finished off with admirable flowers on top. They themselves glowing in warm oranges and soft yellows that clashed flawlessly against with the classic pinks and reds. Giving off a genuine cozy and welcoming aura just by looking at it.

That altogether was shaped into the most precise and ideal thing that Minho had ever laid his fingers upon- mirroring something straight out of a fictional movie and right to his own sweaty fingers.

But now it was ruined.

Resting crushed and destroyed on his lap- molding into an ugly eyesore from being wrecked.

Every part, every little single detail, every damn thing- demolished and gone.

It was all fucked up.

Letting his last chance escape and leave him without a single goodbye; erased into nothingness and left without any crumbs that could've been made into something edible.

Minho tries to force himself back into reality; pushing his mind to ignore his own smothering thoughts, forcing himself to pretend that he wasn't on the verge of breaking down, posing like none of this didn't mentally bruise his fragility.

Minho tries to make himself believe that he was only dreaming it, that he was imagining it, maybe even hallucinating his existence.

He was, in reality, perfectly fine.

And none of it ever really happened.

Minho had himself easily convinced with that solitary lie. Letting everything inside of him trust it; using a fib as leverage to breathe peacefully for once.

He tells himself that the cheesecake in his clammy hands wasn't lazily scrambled and coated around random areas of the clear container- oozing in an unflattering touch.

He tells himself that the flowers weren't transformed with dead broken stems that were hanging lifelessly- lost from their unique touch.

He tells himself that he was sitting all alone at night, snuggled to a deserted bus bench unescorted, because he wanted to.

Minho chews down hard on his lip. Praying that if the firmer he held himself, that the tighter he folded himself into, or the more uncomfortable he became from straining every muscle- all of it would go away.

But even with all his pushes and pulls; all the strains and cries; how much he tries and tests for innumerable times- none of it mattered.

He still couldn't do it.

Minho still couldn't forget.

He couldn't simply disregard how he had once been a fearful little boy- standing with jittery hands and wobbly knees that were doing no good to ease his skyrocketing anxiousness in the lonely hallway.

He couldn't forget the detail of how the packaged gift was lying in his hands- being crunched and crumpled underneath his fingers with all the pressure he was trying to shy away from being plastered on his face.

Minho couldn't forget how it felt as if he was there a few seconds ago; scarred permanently to his brain even if the memory was framed with distortion- sticking like a rare fever dream.

Minho knew he didn't remember all of it; would be able to admit that he forgot most of the tiny details that didn't stick out to him.

From how he had taken in deep shaking breaths or how he had wiped the light drizzle of moisture away from peering eyes- even when he had claimed that he was finally 'ready'- he let those memories slip away.

He doesn't remember knocking on the door- not how it felt against his knuckles, not the sound that rang out into the dead atmosphere.

He doesn't remember waiting. Forgetting how he had rocked restlessly on his heels- fidgeting with whatever his slippery hands could- and lingering nearby like a ghost for what felt like eternity back then.

He doesn't remember the countless times he fixed his hair or straightened his collar. How he blinked back the constant fear always uprising or swallowed down the nausea teasing him. How he continually and regularly wiped aside the sweat pooling in uncomfortable places.

He doesn't- and refuses to recall- how wimpy he had been then; how idiotic he was still now.

Minho only remembers the important chunks- recalling them like a lost childhood memory. Somehow being more clear than the other side stories.

He distinctly remembers on how the door had opened- the sound of the lock bouncing in his ear drums and looping around like an endless track; stuck like a constant ringing.

He remembers how crazy loud his thundering heart was jumping out of his chest. Watching with bulging eyes as the door cracked further each inch- sneaking out the briefest scent of the apartment to wash away his clear concerns. Beginning to open him up to a new world that was more heavenly than what was fantasized.

He remembers the clear struggle of not being able to breathe properly- how his lungs had been aching and sore. How they tried, and still failed, to shove down whatever short wheeze they could; the ability to simply breathe being forgotten as he had instead focused on what laid behind the door.

Minho knew well on how engrossed he was when the small fingers started to creep around the frame- followed quickly by the lightest and thinnest outline of a person elegantly peeking out; teasing him for what he wasn't ready for.

His lips had begin to curl into the most pleasant half smile- eyes already up and squinting with such relieved glee that it was pooling around everywhere onto his face.

He had waited with such happy expressions- feeling like he had already crossed the finish line; being a race that had completely beaten the shit out of him. Making him now feel relaxed and at ease that he had finally finished off the never ending journey.

Minho felt like he made it.

That his life from now on would be perfect- no turns or twists ever coming back to interrupt the flawless path.

Minho was so confident.

So self-assured that he and Jisung would be lovers for eternity; their souls finally being able to find and hold onto one another.

He was waiting for the latter to fully open up the door standing in the way. Steadily anticipating for when their eyes would meet and be filled with a sort of clarity- that once they found each other, everything would click in place.

He watches as the hidden shadow slowly emerges into Minho's impatient vision; forcing his jumping excitement to be swallowed down as a new-coming pair of pupils trace around. Ones that were soon to find an idiotic fool who was hopelessly in love and whose smile was spreading like an uncontrollable disease.

That was the moment Minho would never forget; that exact one.

That single flutter of a second where all his hope and greatest desires fell.

Where all the euphoria and exhilaration was replaced with a drop in his stomach and an indescribable stab in his heart.

All of those additive and lovable feelings gone down the drain and substituted with ones that were more twisted than confusion; more tangled up than a certain burn of anger.

Minho would never forget how it felt like he was sucked out of his spirit- left to feel lifeless and so small.

Gaining a big fat imprint of loser stained to his forehead in the brightest color of red- discoloring him longer then a lifetime.

All because it wasn't him.

The man in front of him wasn't his Jisung.

The eyes- ones that were usually filled with such a pure liveliness and energy- not even being close to match the pair that were boringly staring at Minho.

The soft full cheeks- ones that were squishy like elastic dough- traded with a face that had cheekbones sunken to their face.

The glittering brown hair- that twinkled and twined with his eyes- now utterly exchanged for strands of light blonde locks.

That wasn't Jisung.

And that was all he could seem to remember.

That one main scene- swooping in like it won an award of being so eye catching.

It stuck. Staying firmer than a goop of glue. Implanted like he was born with it.

Making him feel trapped in a hole. Displayed in a glass box that only showed him how brainless and pitiful he looked.

Becoming the only thing he could even think about; a sick reminder that was slowly killing him.

Minho crunches his eyes shut- wishing to forget how fragile and weak he had become. Trying to snap out of his own misery that he bullied himself into.

He wanted to stand strong. To fight his own brain going against him. To brush off the feeling of a tiny million knifes painfully cutting scars along his cheeks. Wanting to instead tender the throbbing gashes and wounds scattered on his body.

Minho plainly shakes his head, forcing himself to not cry. To shove back in the tears that were poking at him to be let out. To simply not break down and sob until his throat was parched.

He just needed to forget.

"Forget, Minho. Forget.." he whispers out to himself, hoping it would steer everything else inside him to instantaneously obey.

He scrunches up his face, twisting his lips down into an ugly and vicious frown that creased his lips permanently. Doing no help to his appearance as Minho's voice cracks louder than thunder; sounding purely mortifying the more he keeps on begging.

He tries.

Tries so hard- does everything that he could.

But he couldn't.

He couldn't even begin to forget.

And he looses it.

Feeling that as the first fat tear sheepishly makes it's way down his frozen cheeks, all of the emotions huddled and stored away suddenly burst out with any warning. Letting each and every one begin to overflow; seeping around secretly until he was practically suffocating in his own choked up cries.

He stress to slurp in air like a delicious treat- wishing that it would further calm down the whimpers being exceedingly loud. Hating how it made him so vulnerable, so weak, so fucking powerless; so fragile that he was unable to gather himself back together.

He was an outcast who was crying on some random ass sidewalk.

He was someone who could never be able to express his own sacred emotions.

He was a fuck up; a great failure.

He was a person who didn't matter to anyone whatsoever- and never would.

Minho would only ever be someone that always messed it up. Making every single last bit that stood the slightest chance now be fully disintegrated and destroyed; never to return.

It was all gone because of him.

He had ruined it all.

Minho had waited too long.

- end -

•••••

Chapter Text

•••••

[Pre-Chorus : Seungmin, Han, I.N]
To be just friends, you're too beautiful
To just stay as friends, I know I'll regret this so
I know I'll regret, so I decide to express my feelings
I want to be more than just friends
I like you too much

-

2 years ago.

-

There was something about him.

Something so awfully familiar.

Something that was on the very tip of his own tongue- just in between the brink and border of rolling out; like a hidden box stuffed of old memories jammed in the back of one's forgetful brain.

He could feel how the answer was nearby; in the ways that the words were practically aching to be let out of his shut mouth. Inching around sneakily with the goal of finally making their presence known- waiting for when they could flourish in the daylight.

He was so close to reaching it with his own raw grasp- remaining the easiest to be effortlessly spat out- and yet, he still lost his chance to ever even briefly put his finger on it; failing the simplest with so much trouble.

The classified answer sticks around hazily- mocking and nagging him like it knew that it was biggest secret never to be deciphered. Taking glee that it was happily wedged in an unreachable place; away from any sticky hands trying to take the full thought for themselves.

He just needed to focus. He needed to concentrate so he could ultimately figure it out- already trying his best to solve the troublesome problem even if it endlessly stressed him out; disliking how it hid like a coward in the dark and creepy corners. Beginning to get under his skin as it was nearly pointless to uncover the groggy déjà vu.

He studies the person in front of him with all he could. Hoping that if he absorbed all the slimmest details then it could possibly slip up what was stuck in the back of his head. Attempting to lure it out with poor persuasion and the little amount of encouragement provided to him.

He inhales everything in fully- looking at the tiny ways of how the torturous cold was painting up the latter's face with a gentle flush of light pink. Seeming to sharpen and lighten up all the distinctive features while outlining his whole entire face- from the beautifully high cheekbones to the flawless sharp jawline. Every single aspect was shown to be sculptured by an angel.

Maybe the reason why he looked so familiar was how his nose was infuriated with a rose color as well- acting like it had been tortured and mistreated, yet somehow managed to be actually gently grazed and combed by the storm. Presented like a small and cute button within observing eyes; the perfect sort of shade that effortlessly complimented his own skin tone.

Maybe it was in the way that his eyes were squished against the harsh frigid winds blowing in each and every direction. His eyelids squinting into little slits from trying their best to not release any tears invading the corner of his eyes- slanted up in such a way that it was so divine and priceless to even gaze at.

Maybe it was how the snow was gently laying on top of his brunette hair. Small snowflakes fluttering down one by one and already finding their arranged placement against the damp locks. Seeming almost phonily organized that not a single piece was out of place; unable to ever find one that was a centimeter too close or too far. Like the snow was personally favoring him; and no one else would bother to even complain.

Maybe it was how he looked so cozy and snuggled up. Burying his delicate chin further into the depths of the scarf that had tightly wrapped itself around his neck; nearly strangling and choking the latter to death. But was undoubtedly keeping him promisingly warm.

It was how his lips were cracked and dry, the tiniest pieces of skin barely flaking for show, and somehow being able to make it look like a beauty feature. Bringing more attention and interest to his own appealing mouth aching for warmth in the wintry season.

It was how the smallest sniffles fluttered out to be adored and admired. Being something so brittle though still greatly added to his adorable image; a little charming tune that danced along the howls of the wind. Lightening up the tormenting mood for the better.

It was all there- the latter himself intensely shivering and trembling in the freezing cold, but nonetheless looking so beautiful. So elegant. So graceful. Like he was locked away in a snow globe that glowed with his very own presence.

Finally, it clicks.

Everything falls right into place; more satisfying than connecting the last piece to an everlasting puzzle.

It was as if a lightbulb was now gleaming inside his brain- snapping in exactly what he had trouble figuring out mere seconds ago.

The sudden thought makes him break out into a light smile- exposing a gentle breath to clash and wither against the deathly cold air; trying his best to not recoil from how his own teeth were instantaneously filled up with ice.

Seungmin fully pops his mouth open- accidentally inhaling the frost that starts to tear apart his irritated lungs and freeze his own gums into place. Trying to act like he wasn't technically burning to death while forcing his eyes to connect onto the ones that were staring back with half interest as to what dared the elder to expose his collected energy.

The brightest sense of happiness floods all over Seungmin's face; looking so joyful and full of contentment- even if the current weather begged to differ.

"You looked like frosted bread."

That was it.

Seungmin didn't know why- but that was precisely it.

The younger's eyes widen with amusement- slightly shocked and taken aback by the words. Proving that he was in the least of expecting such a random thing to be whispered out into the night; making him question if he should accept the partial compliment or shrug off the sudden joke.

The latter starts to push off a numb laugh from his dead tongue- freely revealing that he somehow enjoyed whatever hidden praise was coated into such an abrupt sentence, "I look like.. frosted bread?"

Seungmin nods enthusiastically. Suddenly now connecting all that he was previously observing to the imagine growing inside his head; glad it was sharpened and clear to understand.

He notices that it was in the ways of how the snowflakes were messily sewn to his hair- looking like little sweet sprinkles. Along with the flakes of skin slowly peeling off his feeble lips- being the little crumbs that were still a delicious treat. And even how the flushed tone sculptured his face and highlighted every unique characteristic- that was the mouthwatering frosting.

It was practically identical.

Jeongin raises his eyebrows underneath the bangs glued to his forehead, "How?"

The faint tint of a smile was still stuck to the corner of the younger's lips, getting Seungmin to watch it lovingly as he answers without any hesitation. Unsure of how to explain himself, but knew exactly what he was talking about.

"I don't know.." Seungmin stares over with such passionate fondness, "You.. you just do."

Jeongin wrinkles his face up into a tighter smile- pushing out such a genuine laugh that it nearly melts away all the snow with each bright note. Shaping his whole spirit be so dangerously enchanting and endearing as his lids squint into smaller slopes- shielding away the glossy eyes hoping for attention- and now allowing his dimples to peep out for show; exposing how much he had enlivened compared to being half dead a few seconds ago.

"Thank you..?" Jeongin chuckles. Slightly bending closer to Seungmin from trying to contain his abrupt roars of laughter hiccuping their presence out.

It influences Seungmin to join in. Being infected by such a pleasant sight like it was extremely rare- forgetting how it was quite usual for the younger to constantly laugh at the dumbest things.

Seungmin's dried lips curl up into a cheerful beam; mirroring exactly what he saw the younger doing in front of him. Scrunching up his cheeks so high that they were beginning to crush his own eyelids and form happy wrinkles- the proud result from being unable to control how blissful he was.

They both chuckle with such vibrant energy- almost seeming like crazed maniacs as they continue on like there was no tomorrow; like they had never been able to laugh for the longest time. Making all the stored away cackles and babbles be exposed for once- free from being embarrassingly covered up.

They get lost in it; staring into each other's eyes with a feeling that captivates and holds their attention so well. Letting their snorts express themselves while their eyes seem to have an entire different conversation- simply communicating without any need for words.

They felt at home and safe. An undeniable sense of comfort and relaxation swaddling them into a different type of tranquility. Getting lost in the loving and soothing atmosphere babying them; absolutely flawless.

But it didn't get rid of it. Even with all the things creating a little fluffy cloud for them to fly on- it was still nearly impossible to disregard something that could ruin one's precious personal; a sad sick habit.

Even if Seungmin was having the time of his life, laughing at something so idiotically amusing, his hand still unconsciously makes its presence known. Briskly trailing past the nipping air that attacked his dead fingertips, and lets them find their place against his grin. Shielding it away without any clue of how tragic it was to do so.

Jeongin's smile drops instantly. Losing the sudden enjoyment of giggling with the elder as he becomes deeply focused on something that was destroying his own little world; making it crumple to the ground from no longer having its main source of life.

The younger hated it- if loathe could even start to explain an indescribable feeling- when Seungmin would bury away something that was so valuable. One that was way more than 'just a smile'. One that could deprive about anyone if it wasn't shown. One that was worth more than anything priceless. One that needed to be shining.

Jeongin didn't care if Seungmin was unaware of his own betraying actions- if it was a senseless little thing covering up a regular insecurity- the younger lived for that smile; he needed to see it.

Without thinking, Jeongin pops up a hand to follow the one that had previously locked its way to Seungmin's lips. Crawling past the cold irritating his iced fingertips and observing how they slightly become decorated in the light presses off sleet; making it hard to not fade back into the heated pockets if it wasn't for the single goal locked inside of his mind.

Jeongin's hand is quickly welcomed into another- seeming like the elder was already expecting his arrival- as they both automatically fold along each other's palms and sink their fingers in deeply together. Instantly letting them ease up at the reassuring touch before Jeongin gently tugs their latched fingers downward; listening to how the tinge of previous cheerfulness was now utterly smeared off their faces and replaced with eerie quietness.

"Smile, Seungmin," Jeongin softly whispers out. Trying to make direct eye contact to the person that was shocked from the sudden interruption, "Don't worry about anything. Just smile, okay?"

The elder swiftly darts his eyes around to greet Jeongin's; bewildered and thrown off track by what had just occurred. Taking great caution to process Jeongin's words that they almost hurt to hear.

Seungmin intensely studies the younger's gaze- noticing how it was filled with a type of firm irritation, though was pleading for him to understand; looking so innocent and honest.

Seungmin nods with slight shock- expressing that he greatly appreciated having the younger look after him- but he doesn't dare open his mouth; solely apologizing with his facial expressions in hopes to keep them exactly where they were. Noticing that he was the only one who saw how their raspy breaths clashed together and how the tips of their numb toes had found each other despite the piled up snow.

He didn't want Jeongin to become aware of just how close they had become. No longer standing at a friendly distance- but keeping each other near like they were trying to share and rejuvenate back the lost warmth. So dangerously close it was currently bubbling up unwanted thoughts calling out for attention.

Seungmin keeps his stare wholly centered on Jeongin- studying and observing each detail he managed to get. Inhaling the brown swimming pools of glee that were tenderly staring back at him; making Jeongin look more delicate than ever before.

Seungmin unintentionally squeezes the younger's hand in tighter- getting lost in the feeling that was delightfully devouring him alive. Trying to prove to himself that Jeongin had no intention of leaving; needing to somehow foolishly know that he could never lose such an expensive gem.

The action gets the younger to glance back at their hands entangled and intertwined together. Finding them squished into every crook and cranny at just how tightly they were secured on to one another- too scared of letting go.

Jeongin blinks with slight embarrassment, knowing he was most likely looked redder than a tomato if it wasn't for the cold to luckily disguise it in respect. Only making the attractive tint of pink to slightly darken; unable to show how flushed the younger was.

He starts to awkwardly draw back his hand, "I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to.." Jeongin crisply says. Taking his hand away from Seungmin's- who was still holding on to it for dear life.

Seungmin promptly pulls him back- detesting that his one and only happiness had dared to escape. Influencing him to grab firmer on to Jeongin's frail hands in great fear; yanking back all that he nearly lost.

It was almost as if he wasn't even thinking straight. Unknowingly jerking the younger in closer that it did more than just reconnect their hands, but slide their bodies in together until the marshmallow sized coats collide and brush against each other- gently bouncing them around joyfully. Pushing them in to the point that they were now only pure inches away from each other.

Actually no, scratch that.

They were centimeters apart.

Seungmin's eyes greatly widen, a slight amount of horror coated to the very edges of his face; not meaning to send them in this tight. Already mentally scolding himself for making such a mindless mistake.

The elder begins to dart his pupils back and forth to Jeongin's that were already bulging in surprise. Allowing Seungmin to now drink in the most slimmest features and stare after every single characteristic that he could never once get sick of; looking at a pure price of art right in front of him.

He examines how Jeongin looked so inviting- so appealing- so fucking tempting that Seungmin couldn't control it anymore.

He was screwed.

Entirely screwed.

This was bad.

Really, really bad.

He couldn't stop thinking about it- his own eyes doing no help whatsoever as they were carelessly locked onto Jeongin's red lips. Being like some sort of overwhelming influence that starts to coax and convince him; letting whatever dumb naïve part of his heart begin to take over and handle things their own way.

Seungmin was utterly and completely lost inside his flooded brain- not even thinking or caring about any sort of consequence as his own hand detaches away from the younger's and races up to gingerly cup his face. Instantly welcomed with the cold cheeks that melt his fingertips right on the spot.

It permits him to lean in closer to Jeongin- already reaching out his fingers to graze and tender each untucked lock of hair. Feeling how his body was foolishly craving more of it; wishing he could absurdly keep it for himself and only himself. Needing to gulp in more of the addicting emotion. To frame it and put it up for display; desiring to brag about it to everybody.

Their fragile noses begin to slip against each other- delicately pressing into every single different crack of their faces. Gliding and falling over the place until their frigid lips are finally met together- pulling in such a treasured passion that it somehow melts and clears away the crisp winter stuck in their way. Psychically sucking them underneath a shared blanket; warming back up their bodies from head to toe.

Seungmin pushes harder against Jeongin- twisting his fingers deeper in to his fuzzy hair and enjoying how each strand manages to curl around his hand; like it was personally reaching out for the soothing aura. Making the elder now feel the responsibility of further enlivening the younger carelessly melting in his own arms; knowing that Jeongin was enjoying every single part of the flavorful heaven.

It blooms and sparks something inside them. Creating a whole damn zoo to flip their stomachs in tiring somersaults. Getting their trembling hearts to nearly spring out of their chests. Shooting them up so crazily high it was dangerous to fall now. All of it impossible to control and maintain.

It was perfect. Everything.

From how they deepen the kiss in enjoyment- begining to curve and outline each other's bodies; unable to get enough.

From how they were locked away into their own little happy paradise- not giving a single thought to the world gaping at their decisions.

From how nothing strong enough could ever separate the two; being tighter than glue.

It was perfect.

But not for him.

Not for the one they had forgotten; left behind like mist covering up their memories.

Not for the one who was more than deathly worried- tearing down the slippery streets in the most hideous car with profuse worry and anxiety.

Not for the one who had floored the gas pedal with all his strength- taking the deadly risk of sharp turns and speeding ten times after than the limit; still surprised he hadn't been caught or ticketed.

It was perfect for them, sure.

But not so much for the concerned man.

One who had been mumbling and grumbling underneath his breath while ripping past cars that were too slow to match his speed.

One who had gripped the steering wheel with so much force it could be snatched clean off; tensed up to the point that his own hands become numb to any pain.

One who had skidded on the black ice countless of times- the amount of possible crashes and accidents being so high that it made him question how he was still alive.

He had done everything in his power to get there on time. Knots and wrinkles indenting his face at how much concentration was aging him within brief minutes- breezing past countless of people that it made him second guess if he missed them.

He had gone against the strongest winter storm known to humanity- sacrificing his very own life as he knew it- with the goal of trying to get there on time. Hating that it all slipped in between his fingers; failing to even keep his promise to the younger.

He had tried his best. Had done everything in his power. Had raced like his life had depended on it. Had sacrificed all that he could.

He had done everything.

Every single fucking thing.

He had broken several traffic laws and violations just to see him.

He had screamed out the most psychotic things to drivers stupidly minding their own business; as if it would help him magically appear to his destination.

He had barely been able to see shit. Making it hard and threatening to drive with the snow that had created a firm mold against his windshield.

He did it all to see him.

Him.

The one who directly betrayed the elder.

The identical one who, as the he finally spins around a corner to his destination, was now found to be enwrapped in someone else's arms. Almost being difficult to even spot him as he was protected against wandering eyes; like they purposely didn't want anyone to see such a priceless thing.

The one who, as the elder begins to slow down to a crawling pace, was cupped and swaddled in another's hands- odd to see something that he thought was only his.

The one who, as the latter blinks past the clear bewilderment, was now being tendered in all ways possible; sensing how he was utterly replaced in a heartbeat.

The elder knew well that he would do anything in the world- anything in the fucking life of himself- for that one person.

But it became quite obvious that his care was only one sided, something he stupidly missed, as he was forced to watch the latter be kissed and loved by someone that was wasn't him.

Someone that wasn't him at all.

Anger immediately crawls around his neck- getting him to nearly burst into sharp flames and set everything on fire; guilty and scolding himself for not being someone he wished he was.

For not being there.

For not being the one holding his lover with that type of charm.

For not being the one freezing in the cold- but instead resembling a pathetic driver running around like a maniac.

But no matter how much he wanted to be- he wasn't.

He wasn't there.

And he never would be.

He was here- in his stupid ass car- experiencing a sort of pain that was unexplainable and indescribable.

It was worse than feeling his own soul be sucked right out of his body; being torn and ripped to bits that there was nothing left to scavenge. Turning him into something that couldn't even be identified as a human; a murder scene at its worse.

It felt as if his body had been flipped inside out; breaking and demolishing his fragile bones while squishing and crunching his brittle muscles. Getting his own heart to experience the pain of being plucked out and minced into thin dust- leaving any sense of emotion to never return. Everything now decaying and dying in pain; paralyzed with insensibility.

His brain had now been fried to the touch; utterly powerless. Forcefully stuffed into the depths of a coma and never returning to see the light again. Only having a dazed look that was painted into every single feature; as if he was born with it.

It felt as if he was dead.

Like he was buried underneath the brutal dirt.

Like he no longer existed.

In fact, that was exactly it.

He was gone.

Demolished.

Deceased.

Perished.

Lifeless.

He was never going to be okay.

Never to be all right.

Because he had permanently ruined it all.

He had gutted any last chance of hope.

He had lost trust to everything.

He could feel it.

This was the end for him.

Bang Chan was heartbroken.

- end -

•••••

Chapter Text

•••••

[Chorus : Bang Chan, I.N]
Sorry that I like you, I'm sorry
I'm sorry for liking you
Sorry that I like you, I'm sorry
If liking you is wrong
Sorry that I like you so much, I'm sorry
I tried to hide my feelings, but I guess it was too obvious
I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I like you

-

2 years ago.

xx days after.

-

"It was.. just so magical!"

His voice was pitched so high it looked shameful next to skyrocketing skyscrapers. Every single note being empathized with such an ear splitting and mirror breaking ring; making it seem like it indeed was purely 'magical'. Like he had just witnessed the most insane thing in history and the little squeak in his voice was going to express it to the whole fucking world.

But the younger couldn't seem to help it.

Everyone knew that this is what it always did to you.

Such a deep state of pure euphoria. The powerful sense of empathy, of love, of being inseparable, of willing to sacrifice anything to their capability. Dreaming about spending their lives together- to become close and never grow apart.

This was love.

This was exactly how Jeongin felt.

And that's what a perfect first kiss did to you.

"I just.. felt.. like.. ugh, how would you describe it? Like.. like that pit feeling in your stomach when you are about to drop on a roller coaster. Or-or when you're in a high place and you look down!! It's almost like that feeling... it's just so.. so breathtaking. I mean, like, all of it. The excitement, the happiness, the exhilaration pumping through your veins. It's beautiful.

"I mean.. you would know for yourself, right? Cause you've felt it once, at least? I think so..?" Jeongin hesitates, titling his head and getting hair to sway exactly in front of his face. "Haven't you..? Ohh yeahh! I remember now," Jeongin bounces up and down with eagerness at finally able to recall the information.

"Wasn't it with that one dude? Uhm.. kinda short? Really good at dancing? Seems mean but is actually a sweetheart? The cat lover! Yeahhh, him! It was.. Lee.. Lee something.

"Lee.. Know? Wait no. Uhm, hold on, it's coming in. It's-It's.. oh! Lee Min.. Min.. Min, uhm. Lee Minho!! Right?! I'm right, aren't I? Yeahhh.. that's the one. I mean, weren't you yourself in love with him at one point? Didn't that emotion just feel so good? Like, being on drugs. Addictive is what it seems like, right? Didn't you just want to have it forever, and ever, and ever, and.."

Okay, now Jeongin was rambling.

Chan gently shakes his head, being careless so as to showing how downhearted he'd become from watching the younger rant. Somewhat upset that this is what the conversation had turned into; clearly empathizing that he no longer wanted to be here.

Jeongin catches the small movement from the very corner of his eye, stopping his tongue from rolling off any more happy words and understanding right away that something was off. Ordering the younger to recollect himself and examine what he previously overlooked; inhaling the atmosphere that had suddenly turned stiff and heavy.

"What?" Jeongin's voice drops down low. Forgetting about how energetic and poppy he was just a few seconds ago. He himself showing just how much he was annoyed at the sudden interruption. Not wanting the elder to look down on him with such disgrace- but rather needing the opposite. Needing the support and assistance he was trying to seek out from his best friend.

He wanted Chan to jump around with him. To spin the younger around until Jeongin would have to plead him to stop because he was going to puke. He desperately wanted the elder to hold his hands and just simply squeal out with him in pure delight; despite how girlish it may seem. He wished for them to stay up all night just talking on and on about it- never being able to catch a wink of sleep while they were doing so.

That's all Jeongin wanted.

Was it too much to ask?

Chan lifts his chin higher to the change of the tone- seeming in short surprise that Jeongin had now changed his entire mood. Never intending for the younger to be this upset in the first place but had done so with his own immaturity.

His concentrated focus darts back and forth between the younger's, making an attempt to uncover the message that was spread in the depths of his dark brown eyes. Locking onto the pupils judging each blink Chan took as he shuffles in a tight sigh.

"You really had to bring him up?" Chan keeps his voice low and steady, mimicking the younger's deepness to see how it felt to hear it against his own ears.

Jeongin shifts uncomfortably on the tips of his toes, readjusting his stance into holding himself like he owned the place, "So what?"

The younger presses for an answer he wanted- this time adding a sliver of annoyance for a tinge of flavor. Forcing out and tossing away the sweet personality that was always shining over his head everyday; replaced with something that was disturbingly unlike him.

The elder seems thrown off by how fueled and explosive Jeongin was turning into. Now trying to focus his mind to a calmer state where he wouldn't set the latter off like a bomb. Where he could erase what they got worked up about. "Why did you have to bring him up? After everything I-"

"And what's the deal?" Jeongin cuts him off. Not even giving the poor old man to breathe.

Chan's eyes enlarge at the uncalled for surprise; confused and now panicked at the sudden sharpness that was pushing mental cuts into his skin. About to cause new bruises and shallow scars for him to carry around the rest of his life.

He didn't, one single bit, recognize the voice that was coming to swallow him alive- making it the first time since forever of seeing this side of Jeongin. Catching on quickly as how much stronger, improved and more developed the younger was ready to fight compared to even a few months ago.

He studies Jeongin for a brief second more, watching his eyes flare up with the dangerous fiery anger. Making Chan understand that whatever he was going to say next, Jeongin was prepared with a better comeback. Showing that he was ready for it- technically pleading for it.

And Chan was going to give it to him.

"'What's the deal?' Seriously? Really Jeongin? Are you even kidding with me right now? You're seriously going to go there?" Chan fires back. Now getting the same heat to blaze just beyond his pupils, now officially wrestling the younger's eyes into challenging the uprising fight.

His own hands- the ones that were previously occupying themselves with the peeling hangnails on his fingers- were now clenched into tight small sweaty fists. Just like he was about to stand up and dare someone to fight. Having significant trouble to contain his burning anger that was too heavy for his fun sized body.

"Well?" Jeongin continues on for the both of them, "What is the fucking big deal? It was just a stupid little example. You don't have to act like such a baby. You don't have to be so sensitive against it. Just let it g-"

"Oh, you did not."

This gets Jeongin to stiffen back up like a statue, knowing when exactly to stop crossing over his boundaries and understanding that he had done so as Chan slightly raises his voice at the end of his last words.

"You were not just about to tell me to.. 'let it go'." Chan squints down his eyes into a sharp glare, about to leave burning holes all over Jeongin's face.

"Well, why exactly can't you? Tell me.. how come it's just 'so hard' and such a 'touchy topic' and 'should be waited to discuss another day'. Why do you always say that? Why do you alway shut it down when I bring it up? Why can't you move on? Why can't we talk about it?"

"It's just..." Chan bites down on his lip, letting his guard go down for the split second at the words Jeongin had fired back. Knowing well enough that they were true. So genuine and weird to hear against his own ears that he really was the coward hiding from behind it this whole time.

And there was nothing Chan could do to fix it. So used to shutting it down- like a constant habit- that he didn't even now how to express his feelings when it was brought up. Almost like it was nothing to him; like it didn't ever happen nor matter.

The feelings and emotions that used to put him into such pain, were now numb to his heart like it never took place. Unknowing that he had unhealthily shoved all of it away- fooling his own traumatized mind to just simply forget.

He deceived himself into always dismissing the topic. Even if he knew deep within that he should've already faced his fears and finally come clean; the one thing that would allow both of them to breathe properly for once.

But he skipped over all of that.

And now it was too late to explain himself.

"No.. let me guess this one.." Jeongin finishes for him, "It's obviously 'too difficult'. Am I right?"

"No," Chan immediately replies- not wanting to expose himself like that. Trying to recollect the hopeless excuses already packing up their bags and deserting him.

"That's.. that's not it," Chan fumbles over his tongue, caught right in the headlights of a unforeseen change of events.

"Then why are you acting like a... bitch."

"Excuse me?"

Chan's whole face was outstretched in astonishment, every single muscle now tensed and clenched from being unaware of what had laid in the darkness for him. Unexpected to know that a purely innocent baby bread could hide such a dangerous weapon out of sight.

"You heard me," Jeongin fires back. Keeping his feet glued down to the floor- making it impossible for either of them to surrender now.

He lowers his eyes down to impersonate Chan's glare, pushing in all his anger to focus it into a deadly gaze. Making Chan wish he didn't look so dangerously attractive while doing so, finding it quite stunning how well his elevated eyes held the irritation. Fully replacing the blameless imagine with something that fitted better into wishing to get in trouble.

Chan blinks rapidly to clear his thoughts, scolding himself as he had become side tracked at finding Jeongin irresistibly handsome in the wrong moment. "Don't you dare call me that. You know your place, Jeongin. So stay there."

"Then stop acting like such a dick!"

This causes Chan to abruptly stand up; faster than the speed of light, that if one blinked in the moment it would've been missed. He shifts his weight to the very edges of his feet to embarrassingly match the younger's height, still keeping his harsh fists planted along his waist line like he about to use them if he was triggered once more.

"Watch your fucking mouth," Chan rumbles up at him, using the bottom of his throat to empathize and show that he frankly meant it. Still sneering eye to the eye with the younger and establishing the control Chan was trying his best to keep; the wobbly tiptoes pay off after all.

"Then stop acting like it!!" Jeongin wails. Showing just how much he had lost his patience, finally raising his tone to the fullest like he was screaming at the top of his lungs. Breaking out clean from the dam of emotions he was holding back this whole entire time- having it completely stream out and ruin everything in its pathway.

"Just.. why can't you be happy for me?!" Jeongin cries out sharply.

Chan blinks blankly- catching on too quickly as to how the younger's almond eyes were racing along every direction to erase away the noticeable glossiness. Making Chan detest and despise himself that he was about to make his sweet Jeongin cry for the first time in forever.

It seems to click straight in the elder's head that he would rather die, rather bleed right there on the floor, rather never be heard again, rather never express his thoughts anymore, than watch Jeongin hold back the urge to cry. Knowing how much more it hurt to do so.

Chan just needed to be happy for him- the thing he has always done so well at pretending.
He just needed to stick it out for a little bit until his feelings were evaporated and gone from existence. Just like he had succeed at for the past year. Knowing well that if he could fake it then, he sure could do it now.

He just needed to be supportive.
For them to still be best friends.
That's it.
That's all.

"I-I.. am happy for you, Jeongin." He speaks out softer than cooing a young child, easing out off his tensed up body and using that as his lame excuse for establishing peace.

"Oh, cut the bullshit."

"Woah, mate. Relax."

"No, you relax!"

"What's your problem?"

"You!!"

Jeongin flutters his eyes away. Letting the smallest sniffle escape his nose and claw its way into the atmosphere, baring a small flake of fragility to be shown despite how rude he was continuing to act.

"You're the one.. that's-that's..." Jeongin let's his gaze hang directly to the floor. Neck now swaying around and being all droopy like it contained no bones to support it.

"You're the one that rolls your eyes whenever I talk about Seungmin. The one who always sighs too loudly when I bring up his name. The one who always scrambles around to desperately change the subject when all I want to do is fucking express my feelings about him. To just talk with my best friend, even for a minute, about how I feel.

"But no, you always have to be the one that acts like a little brat when I'm talking about my first kiss. My first fucking kiss, Chan. I'm over here spilling my guts to you and you're just moping your ass around, shaking your head, looking at the door longingly when I'm trying to just get you to listen for a single second.

"And then when I try to compare it to something you probably felt so long ago.. oh-ho so that's when you finally listen, huh? Bringing up what's his face? From ages ago!! And I'm sorry I forgot about that. Maybe it's because you never once fucking brought up the bullshit that I've been having to avoid for years because.. oh, don't wanna hurt poor little baby Chan who got his heart broken!

"Why Chan. Why, tell me why. Just spit it out already won't you?

"Just why can't you be fucking happy for me?!"

Silence is his only response.

Silence is what greets both of their ears, making them capture how hard Jeongin was panting at expressing everything that has been quietly bubbling up under him this whole time.

Reflecting back to the both of them at just how high the younger's voice had reached. Echoing, bouncing, and stretching into each corner all over the place.

It's the silence the eats him up.
That kills him inside.

It's the silence that seems to fill both of their heavy bodies with grief and mourning.

It's the silence that overtakes their hearts to ache with such agony.

It was the silence that was quieter than a plain day. Silence that was quieter than when a whole household was nestled away into the depths of dreams. Silence more quieter than when students were walking into an exam that graded the rest of their lives; knowing well they should've studied harder.

This silence was different.

This silence made it seem like the whole world stopped spinning.

That all the people hustling along the streets to a busy day of work or school, all the ongoing traffic just happening beyond their door, all the small birds chirping, even the small pitter-patter of light snow hitting the window glass. It was all stopped .

The whole world had halted.
The whole galaxy had ceased.
The whole universe had finally gave out and came to an end.

It was that type of silence.
Making it so crystal clear to hear the sound of their jaws shifting around in awkward positions. Listening to their shallow breaths and even the exact beat of their hearts. Picking up the littlest things one couldn't usually hear; forcing them to believe they were going crazy.

It was the silence that allowed him to do the next idiotic thing. Permitting him to drop his next words without any warning; like a secret soon to destroy both of them.

It was the silence that had infected him. Making him feel that something was injected all over his body. Intoxicating each blood flowing vessel and oozing out to each bone steadily growing old.

It was the silence that made him feel like he had been pushed both physically and mentally over the edge. Making him feel like it was finally alright- finally the time he waited for- to let everything out of his chest in a single breath.

It was the silence that had poisoned him.
That had tricked him.
That had sickened him.

Even if he well knew he could've just ignored the urge; that he was only using the silence as a simple excuse, he continued on like none of that mattered.

He did it anyway.

He still took in a shaky breath.

He still blinked away any last thoughts trying to pull him away from the addictive drug.

He still mumbled out the words.

He knew he was going to ruin everything.

Yet, he still did it.

"I'm in love with you, Jeongin."

- end -

•••••

Chapter Text

•••••

[Verse 2 : Felix, Han, Changbin, Hyunjin]

I try to hide this feeling that I can't control
I get carried away by this feeling that I can't control
With you being so irresistibly charming
I should've looked away, yet I'm mesmerized again
The time waiting for you
Feels like waiting for a traffic signal at a four way street
The fact that we've grown even further apart than we were makes me weary
Because of my honesty, there is no relief, all that remains is regret

-

Year. 2017.

-

You would always see him.

Rather small for his age- yet still carried himself with extra inches- he was the person who was known as a ball of pure sunshine that treated others well. As the boy who's little fangs popped out when he gleamed in the slightest- getting the light to shine off his white pearls like it was all arranged.

He was the person that was willing to sacrifice anything- finding love and good despite the situation. Being the happiest to ever surface the planet. The one that embraced every unique thing out there; welcoming all that crossed his path.

He was the boy, similing, laughing, enjoying every single moment that there was no way you could possibly hate him.

He was the boy everyone adored. The type to come walking straight through the door and the whole world just seemed to get a whole lot brighter. The type to make everyone- wether in a good mood or not- to just simply feel better by his single presence. Comforting you and giving everyone the love they probably didn't deserve.

He was Lee Felix.

He was perfect.
Maybe even beyond it.

The fondness piling up from every single teacher, classmate, administrator, anyone- that nothing could ever be cared for more than him.

He was that type that when his name was brought up, only good things were said. And it stayed that way for his long years growing up in high school.

He was flawless.

His life itself was flawless.

Lee Felix was the perfect man everyone loved.

Until they didn't.

Until a single day in March had creeped out of nowhere and bombarded the innocent, fragile, and delicate boy.

He remembered it well. Carrying and dragging it everywhere he went like it was a permanent scar he would never be able to disguise.

Because on that one day, his life collapsed. Everything- all the smiles he shared, all the hugs he got, all the support he received. All of it was gone.

Just like that; quicker than a heartbeat.

It was that day when Felix was unwillingly shown to be gay.

And after that, it couldn't be more simple.

Everyone hated Felix.

And it had affected him so poorly that the happy sunbeams he used to shine at everyone, the little music he held in his voice when he talked, the love he would always regenerate- every single fucking thing was stripped from him; now missing.

Like it never once happened. Like Felix wasn't previously the light nor the face of the school. That he was now a pathetic and useless piece of trash to everyone's eyes.

He was now the boy that had lost his own special charm from being repeatedly targeted- forcing the poor one to deeply ponder what he did to have his life turn into a shit hole. Why he somehow deserved to have death threats sent directly to his face day after day. Why he had to feel a different kind of embarrassment when another individual would squeal if they had gotten 'too close' to Felix- like he had a deadly disease.

It left poor Felix asking why he had to be bullied. Why he had to deal a great amount with all the mocking, all the teasing, all the kidding that went overboard. All of it, under the noses of adults working in the school who had decided to look the other way.

He was left stranded as to why he had become the buzz and classic gossip of school. Why they were all screwed into having an unhealthy obsession from toying around with Felix for their enjoyment; as if they had permission to do so.

And it sadly became so common among his classmates, infecting others for the thrill of it, that word would get around quicker than light itself when a single person would hazily recall in the slightest ways Felix used to flirt with men in the classroom. As if now- just suddenly- was the perfect time to share their reserved chunks of memories at how they previously in the past had once caught Felix staring at a man with even the slightest bit of interest.

Out of all times, everyone suddenly paid attention to each of the little clues that were hiding perfectly under their noses. Being ignored for the longest time until Felix was exposed of his true colors and it clicked like it was instantaneously crystal clear. Forgetting like they didn't all at one point think those moments were typical and normal.

And they seemed to take great pleasure in irritating him. Cramming their delusions and using it for starting motivation to try and hopefully find who his love interest just may have been.

Ransacking over every little crumb of evidence in the whole entire grade to pinpoint and prove evidence of who they thought it was.

And they found it, easily.

Simply uniting together and coming up with the intelligent idea to search for classroom photos. Seeking everywhere possible until they had got ahold of the deleted ones snapped beforehand; the ones where everyone was chaotically clustered in random spots.

They had retraced it all the way back to when scattered children were scrambling to find their places at the scene- as right there, so foolishly and effortlessly in the open, was Felix. Letting prying eyes successfully get what they desired at spotting him with such ease; the latter at the time stupidly thinking he was hidden from the obvious.

They had found innocent Felix keeping his gaze fixed directly on another man, like nothing had ever occupied his mind that well. His own smile itself fading in the corners at just watching one boy bend down and pose for the upcoming picture.

At the time Felix was unwilling to cover up his body language, expressing his yearn to stand by the man; while as the rest were all preoccupied with the disarrangement in different places.

Even then it seemed like he didn't care if the whole world was watching his past mistake; unafraid of letting it have any effect on him. Continuing to watch the person from the ultimate tip and corner of his eye- practically having to build up the strength of dragging his stare away and focusing back the lovable squinting eyes to the lenses.

Though it didn't just stop there.

It was also ranged in the pictures from other classmates taking selfies- finding in the background as Felix's curious eyes always seemed to follow the man wherever he went. Tracing him down like he purposely wanted their pupils to connect; like he was so carried away by the feeling he couldn't ever possibly control.

Everyone now noticed how it was there in the way Felix would keep his gaze on the man for a second more when they were put next to each other. Now understanding that when Felix was scanning the crowd, or even rather looking behind another, he was trying to inhale the person he found so irresistibly charming and wouldn't ever look away from.

It was him.

Hwang Hyunjin.

The one absolute beauty that wasn't really much paid attention to until it was revealed that Felix was supposedly in love with him.

And still, even with all the uncovering, no one could figure out lingering questions of why.

Why was it him?

Why was it someone Felix rarely talked to?

Why couldn't they solve it?

That was something no one would ever know besides the two.

-

2017.

Three months before.

-

Shit.

He was losing it.
He knew.

Felix could tell it in the way his melancholy eyes were judging after his reflection. How they didn't resemble a single ounce of the classic him; not at all matching up to how happy and vibrant his eyes always were. Now seeming to be quite the opposite- dead and locked up into a place where only tears stained his beauty.

It made him question how he did it. How he managed to look so pieced together, so happy like nothing was failing miserably in his life. So thrilled to be here- in school, seeing his friends, learning boring shit, like it was purely fun and a breeze combing through his hair. Making it seem like this wasn't a place with the nickname of hell itself.

He didn't know how he managed to get up everyday and play pretend. Shoving his pain away that no one could ever begin to picture the nights when he would cry his sobbing heart to sleep.

It was the torture that was unbearable to him, though he never once said anything about it. Forbidden to even roll off his tongue.

Yet, here he was.

On the brink of crying, observing his own depressed droopy-like face that was scrunched up and trying to not bawl at how hurt he looked. Seeing for the first time all the weariness and agony weighing down his shoulders- looking different now that it wasn't concealed with a radiant smile.

He didn't know where that million dollar grin had gone. Unaware of how it was crammed in the back of his brain, finding a way to be hidden until he would have to lure it out once again.

But right now, he couldn't do it.

He couldn't just make do of everything like it was all perfectly fine.

No, his body had now chosen this moment to give up and finally start crying. Out of all days and out of all times, he just had to be hidden away in a disgusting bathroom and forced to watch his own fat tears roll down the irritated cheeks he had been swiping at; right here and right now.

Felix covers his mouth into the depths of his hand, muffling down the loud coughing sobs he didn't want to be echoed back into his ears. Already knowing for a fact how ugly and scratched his dry voice was; dead to the core despite how soft and deep it usually sounded.

He watches his vision starting to blur, now forcing his eyes to flutter shut and push out more warm tears splattering down on the sink he was stationed at. Surprised even by himself that the drain wasn't overfilled by how much was thrown up.

He feels his chest ache from how hard the breaths were shooting out- coming out in short gasps and being so shaky that he thought his own lungs were going to collapse in a few given seconds. Finding it harder to inhale than if he was experiencing someone drowning him against his will.

He couldn't breathe.
He couldn't see.
He felt numb, so numb that... oh god.
Felix thought he was dying.

His legs- almost immediately- give out at the thought, now making the weak one crumble to the floor and cling on the corners of the sink for little support. The sudden movement jerking his head forward and Felix accepts it to fall spiritless like he was too heavy to carry; the opposite of the usual high held chin he faked.

His cries slowly thicken, failing to choke them down under the surface, as they gratefully deafen and drown out Felix's pounding thoughts. Having the power to overtake anything navigating through his mind- now making it hard for Felix to hear anything at all. Both mentally and psychically.

He was so enwrapped into it that Felix has no clue of the bathroom door that had quietly swung open- the thought of locking it leaving from his thoughts as soon as he had emerged in.

He doesn't whatsoever hear the small footsteps scuffle in and stop abruptly- the person who had entered being clearly taken aback by finding a literal angel fallen into a mess of broken pieces.

Felix doesn't take notice on any movement of some sort, having no clue that another presence was there and watching him until he hears the voice- one so calming and sweet he could never even begin to forget- come ringing out and fulfill his ears.

"Oh my gosh.. hey, hey, it's alright, it's alright."

He hears how the person promptly locks the bathroom door behind their back, letting the small click of being secured tightly in place clash along with Felix's trembling sniffles. Just like they knew the pouring out emotions weren't meant to be let out for the whole world; and doing so by bolting the door in place.

The man doesn't even seem to blink for a hesitant second- understanding without any words at what was needed- as he dashes straight over to Felix and stumbles down on the ground next to him; as if it was already previously planned in his head.

He awkwardly swings his arms around the younger and pushes Felix into the lovely aroma of him; snuggling each other in close like they were friends from long ago. Not just newly met strangers on the floor of a bathroom.

The man coos gently into the his ear, pulling a hand around to push back the hair behind Felix's red-tipped ears; tucking it out of the way from getting soaked by his sobs. Now slowly beginning to pass along small pats and a soothing touch to the roots of his hair- using such care and gentleness like pampering a baby.
A thing that Felix would admit he hadn't felt for eternity.

Though it only makes him cry harder.

"Hey.. it's okay. You're going to be okay. You're alive. Just breath. Deep breaths. Let it all out. Let it out."

Felix nods weakly, burying his head deeper into the warmth of the man's shirt and clenching onto it like he was afraid of letting go; not wanting to loosen his hold on something that was willing to save him. Staying locked tightly around the bends and crooks of one another- pushing in so close that it feels the littlest odd. But undeniably comforting.

The latter sways the younger back and forth in a calming manner but doesn't dare open his mouth; letting Felix do what he himself instructed. To just simply cry; the most straightforward and boring thing. But was the only cure that could heal a wound untreated over the years.

The soft sobs fill the air for the both of them; ringing right back into their ears as it lets them swallow up how good it felt surprisingly to be striped bare of these feelings. To be vulnerable and finally let down your guard for this small passing moment of insecurities and hurt- sharing empathy between the two.

They stay there, still huddled under the protection of the sink with butts pressed into the old tile of the bathroom floors. Making it the most peculiar place they would never think of ending up at; sealed in a filthy and dirty school bathroom.

Both of them remain there for what feels like full blown centuries- regrouping whatever burning weight was in the corner of their aching hearts. Trying their hardest to dust themselves off from being shoved down by the universe- now ready to jump back in as the tears had finally released out everything.

And it was still all thanks to the man.

It was him, Felix would later know, that had caught and saved him.

His name- one he would never forget- was who had helped Felix jump back onto his feet for better days to come.

He had pushed the confidence to be rejuvenated back into Felix's veins- easily lighting the latter's day back up and showing he didn't need to suffer alone. Making him see the better in life now that he had a reason to live.

And still, despite all of it, despite all the positivity he decided to show Felix, despite his perfection and beautiful side he may have seen, despite how greatly the two had connected that one day- he managed to be the same man who had plunged a knife directly into Felix's heart; pleasantly watching the life fade out of his eyes.

The man had thrown away what little spark was once there; discarding everything that they shared like it meant nothing to the either of them- gone straight down the drain, faster than it had taken to build it up.

It was the person Felix would soon be in love with.

-

Year. 2017.
xx.xx.

-

Felix was an idiot.
He knew that well for himself.

Standing in front of Hyunjin's door like a pathetic loser coming back to beg forgiveness. Seeming so out of place with his heavily desperate pupils staring longingly at the door in front of him- unaware of how the usual elegance touch of his eyes no longer glowed in the sunlight like they used to.

Here he was, showing up uncalled for right on the doormat and already trying to break out the small courage it took to ring the doorbell. Striving to further motivate himself into seeing the man- whom he hadn't talked to in a good few couples of weeks at least; awaiting the moment when they would finally be reunited face to face.

Felix knew it was going to go horrible.
He knew it. Living rent-free in the very back of his brain.
He was going to screw this all up.

He knew- for a fact- that all the missed phone calls, all the times being forwarded to voicemail, all the left-on-read messages, the ignorance during schools hours, the whole avoiding plan, nearly everything, was all purposely directed to prevent this moment from happening.

To keep him from coming.

Yet, he still did it anyway.

Felix shakes his hands off, swaying away the sweat that was lightly glazed on his soft palms- forgetting how they were tensely squished in the depths of his pockets.

The cold air instantly clashes a greeting against his skin, now getting the warmed up and clamy hands to finally release his hidden stress into the winter weather. Noticing how cool and silky if feels along the lines and fingerprints of his rather small fingers; ones he now didn't even like to look at anymore.

Who would've thought- coming from one without any experience- that after all the persistent bullying there could be an insane amount of sudden awareness brought to different body parts; including ones he previously didn't even know looked that bad. Leaving the poor man to now despise his 'small as fuck' hands.

He sighs gently, emptying out the lungs that were clogged with anxiousness- failing to cough down air. Making it seem like a pure coincidence as to how Felix was hyperventilating outside of Hyunjin's door, just as he did in the latter's arms a while back- still remaining a memory that wasn't easy to discard.

It almost- just thinking about it- makes Felix break out smiling; instantaneously forgetting about the worry that was nagging him all over. Changing his mood abruptly as he gleams brightly at remembering how kind Hyunjin was to him that day- or even the ones that would continue on.

Felix didn't know why exactly he had the ability to recall every single detail on being hugged that specific day. Easily pinpointing the precise way Hyunjin had swaddled him in his arms with elegant care like never before- the feeling still so vibrant and fresh in his mind that he could be transported back to the exact moment.

Felix knew it was only a simple hug; nothing more or less. And yet, he still acknowledged how his rib cage was nearly crushed to pieces at just how tight Hyunjin latched onto the younger. Squeezing the air out of both of them- being a type of firm hug you don't get commonly.

He knew Hyunjin was just in the simplest way trying to help the boy calling out for help- allowing him to cry without worry of being judged. Though it had unintentionally made Felix's aching heart connect onto Hyunjin's like a lifesaver as he offered protection; clinging onto every sliver of that day to keep on going.

It had made Felix- foolishly yet predictably- develop a small soft spot to the boy. One whom was undoubtedly going to later stab him straight in the back.

But he didn't need to care about that now.

He didn't need to pay mind to what dreadfully occurred in the broken past.

He just came here for one reason; and one reason only.

He just needed to know just why.

Ever since word had gotten out:
Why did Hyunjin start to purposely ignore him.

Why was Hyunjin making a valid effort to avoid a single glimpse of eye contact in the hallways. Why was he not responding to any form of communication of some sort. Just why exactly was he completely and utterly giving Felix the cold shoulder; putting the younger's heart into shock.

Though Felix knew he could do little to blame him.

Maybe Hyunjin didn't know how to react to the now most famously bullied man in school crushing on him. Maybe it was because Hyunjin didn't want to ruin his own life by being caught up in some high school shit- informed well that fake rumors spread faster than a wildfire.

Or maybe Hyunjin was purely disgusted that he had befriended a gay.

Felix didn't hope it was the last one.
But he still needed to know.

The younger blinks away the overwhelming thoughts that were fogging up his concentration- hating how time was slipping through his grip- and tries to push away the thought of how this moment was supposed to be scheduled sometime in the far, far future. How it wasn't supposed to come crawling around the clock now, but in a few months at least.

Though this is what it ended up to be- wether he appreciated it or not.

This is what he was coming here to do, earlier or later; everything he had worked up to was exactly for this moment. And nothing was going to stop the poor man from pursuing it.

Felix nods to himself- clarifying he was somewhat ready- and lifts up a small trembling hand to push his knuckles boringly against the thick dark wood. Unintentionally keeping his gaze focused elsewhere in the fear of being looked through the tiny peep hole with disgrace.

He tries to paint over all the fear that was portrayed onto his face- squishing his chin down while eyeing the tips of his shoes, just knowing that he looked so fucking frail and worthless. Hating that his self confidence had been stolen and swiped from underneath him so easily in days- leaving Felix without a single sliver spared in the slightest.

Three lazy knocks are pushed hard against the door- announcing his small accomplishment- as he sighs back on his heels with a little more ease; now trying to calm himself down as he patiently waits. Even if this part of his poorly constructed plan was more tragic than when he mustered the courage of walking up Hyunjin's driveway. Thinking that was the most impossible thing then, but didn't even compare to now.

The younger knew he needed to focus- knew he needed all the concentration possible- but he couldn't seem to help it as his pounding thoughts effortlessly eat him alive; rubbing out the requirement of paying attention on wether there was any movement going on inside of the house. Too focused on the ground with devastation like it held a secret script- entertaining his mind for the longest time.

Felix, remaining so hopelessly lost in his overpowering mind, doesn't even think to look back up in until the door swiftly clicks out of place and flaps open in a grand wind. The person behind it already showing how hurried they were to get the small interruption over with.

"Oh.. Felix?"

There is great shock in their voice; like this was ultimately the very last person they were expecting to see stationed at the foot of the doormat. Anticipating to more commonly find a bored salesperson, or even a newborn baby snuggled up in a basket, straight up in their face. Like this was a surprise no one would ever guess in a million years.

The voice- which was usually high and chirpy- weirdly drops down with a sudden low unfamiliarity. Making them both shudder at how the vocal chords were ringing out flatter than a dead heart rate; so out of place that it was uncomfortable. Captured and conveyed perfectly how disappointed they were to see that it was him. That Felix- out of all people- was the one they had to be forced to look at.

The younger tries to cram a smile up to the melancholic face as he hurriedly yanks back up his head in the fast process- giving the stiff neck a good pop and nearly getting the man to grimace with pain at the sudden movement.

Felix attempts to curve a happy grin up along his cheeks- pushing his eyes to be squinted with crinkles that would demonstrate just how happy he was to be here. Pretending that his dead smirk intimidating something pleasant wasn't showing just how much he was already dreading the conversation coming.

"Hyunjin, hi. I just wanted to.."

Felix trails off. Now realizing that since the opportunity presented itself to him, he really had no clue what he wanted to say nor where he thought this conversation was going to end up.

He had gone through all the work of dragging his ass here to scavenging his ripped apart spirit and mending it to even walk down the same street. He had taken so much careful organization for this moment- one he didn't know was actually going to come- to even pull together his last grain of courage.

Yet, he had the aduacity to come unprepared.

God, maybe he really was the wimp everyone said he was.

His brain scrambles around for the best assembled apology- a start, he at least figured- though it was almost as if his useful knowledge of social skills had flooded straight out of his head. A predictable, yet shocking result to him, from not having a decent conversation for the past couple of weeks with anything of some sort.

But what could he say besides the obvious?

Sorry for making you avoid me?

Sorry for liking you?

Sorry for being gay?

It seemed pretty irrational to the younger.

He swallows hurriedly in fear of loosing the only chance left, pressuring and pushing his mind to stop delaying and finally jump the gun. Aware that if he held out another second, the big fat lump forming in the middle of throat would finally cue him to burst out crying- using it against the younger that he was just about to expose how frail he was. Despite the need to stay strong.

And to stay strong, he had to forget the thought of flinging himself into Hyunjin's arms- wishing he could do what his imagination made him believe. To break free from all the pain he was terrible at hiding and to simply cry in Hyunjin's safe chest; hoping for the impossible that they could forget how troubled and ugly their friendship now was. Holding each other like in the good old days.

But that could never happen.

And it only made Felix want him back even more.

He wanted back all the precious times Hyunjin would comfort him with, from sunset to sunrise- around the whole clock- making him have the royal class of being the top of his priory list.

He wanted to see the endless happy smiles, to feel the loving hugs, to hear the laughing and listen to the stupidity, to adore the attitude and endearing moments. The everything that Hwang Hyunjin held and always gave to Felix.

He missed him.
And he was going to fix it to bring him back.

"I'm sorry.. Hyunjin. For all of it. For being.. the way I am. For liking-"

"I don't think you should be here, Felix."

Well, that was a hell of a response.

Who would've thought Hyunjin was going to use that one against Felix- yanking out an uncalled for defense mechanism against the hopeless person who was just about to pour all his genuine apologies out. Opening up his heart for the elder once more, being so vulnerable and fragile, so willing and pleading, hoping to not get rejected.

And had been told that he 'shouldn't be here'?

The fuck.

"I.. uhm.. what?" Felix frowns.

"Please just forget it, okay? It'll save a great deal for both you and I."

"Excuse me?" Felix raises his voice higher, arching his furrowed eyebrows under the messy bangs. Becoming a face now pinched together with such strain it was about to break every muscle in his face- transforming into such an indescribable pissed off and confused emotion.

And boy, do you never want to see a pissed off and confused ball of sunshine.

"Just.. forget it," Hyunjin huffs. Clearly already catching on to the irritation written all over Felix's face, not prepared whatsoever for the sudden call of a mood swing.

Felix watches Hyunjin push himself further into his house, sinking deeper into the depths of it for protection against Felix about to go off like a bomb. Only effecting the younger to roll his eyes in pure annoyance- detesting as to how the latter was already backing away, "No. How about you let me talk, huh?"

Hyunjin's face drops immensely, shocked at what the younger was demanding; showing it was obvious he wasn't expecting that response. Taking everything he tried to fully avoid and shoving it right back up his ass- causing a wildfire to spiral out of control.

"Tell me Hyunjin, since you now have the boldness to walk out on me.. tell me really what happened. Tell me what was all that about?" Felix pushes with anger flaring up in his pupils, looking dangerous to stare at.

"What was all what about?" Hyunjin raises his voice back- refusing to cower like the weakling he wished he could. Hoping to stay strong instead; to pretend that none of this was aching his broken heart.

Felix smirks, seeming to find great disgust and disappointment in the answer. Knowing well that if Hyunjin was going to play dumb, he may well just get it served right to his little arrogant face.

"You know what I'm talking about." Felix bites back, titling his chin forward so his eyes where locked on at the elder's. Glaring up exceedingly at him with such pure loathe it freaked the hell out of Hyunjin.

Felix watches Hyunjin back down like a dog with a tail stuck in between his legs; noticing that as the latter shuffles himself further into the house for protection, it gives away the clue that he had reached the beginning of his breaking point. The exact perfect place and condition where he could press for any answers- and genuinely get them in return.

"What happened to us?" The words glide down Felix's tongue. Evaporating straight into Hyunjin's eardrums that his actions halt midway, not exactly knowing how to respond to something that was just so out there. So forward to the point that even Hyunjin couldn't understand how brave he must've be been to dive straight into it.

"Nothing," he instantly mumbles out. Acting like if he didn't care about any of it, that if he didn't dare show a single raw emotion, then Felix would play along and drop the subject.

But the younger catches on too fast. Somehow- just from knowing Hyunjin inside and out- that he was trying to shut down anything bubbling up to the surface. Already assuming he was taking the easy way out from the exploded mess; no doubt currently erasing this exact conversation from his memories.

"We were so close. What happened to that?" Felix bluntly asks, not letting him get away that easily.

He watches as Hyunjin fully freezes; stuck everlastingly in place. Looking like he was making the biggest decision of his life with the never-ending forests of twists and turns awaiting his arrival. Being presented with so many options and forks in the road, trying their best to persuade him, even if he couldn't make up his damn mind.

The latter looked so scared, so petrified, as to what he was going to do; as to what he was going to decide on.

Being the most painful equation that had to be solved in such a rush.

And Felix didn't have time for it.

"Answer me," he pushes once more. Barely coming over the ring that was passing along with the suffocating quietness, already starting to annoy the shit out of the two. Nagging and troubling them; just like what Felix was doing.

"What did I do to fucking make us suddenly grow apart? Huh? Just because.. I'm gay doesn't cut it. So what the hell did I do?"

"Stop saying that." Hyunjin finally speaks out as he pinches his face up all together, rolling and scrunching it in tighter that small lines and wrinkles appear along every corner of the man's face- showing that Felix's words were tearing and ripping apart his heart physically right there in front of everyone willing to watch.

But it still didn't stop the latter- not even the tiniest coaxed into Hyunjin's ache for sympathy. Eyes still fierce like they were about to puncture him directly in the chest, making his own complimenting freckles replicate small daggers waiting to be trailed across Hyunjin's body in a tortuous manner- no doubt about to leave enduring marks for the rest of his lifetime.

"How come you just.. ignored it all?" Felix spits out. Empathizing on the 'ignored' like it was a harsh and cruel swear word; watching it satisfyingly soak on Hyunjin's horrified expressions. Guilt tripping the poor man as he sadly deserved.

"How come you pretended like you didn't see? After I gave you my whole heart.. you-you didn't even think about coming back to see if I was still okay? How come, Hyunjin? Tell me the fuck why."

Felix sighs at eyeing the elder trail his gaze down to the ground dishearteningly- having the younger struggle with the urge of nearly screaming into Hyunjin's blameful face. One that was stupidly hiding everything away; revealing the secret wimp he actually was.

"You saw it, Hyunjin," the younger continues on, "You saw everything, don't you dare try to fucking deny it. All the bullying and teasing out in the hallways isn't something you just can't see. Hell, you saw everything before that too. You saw the ways I looked at you, didn't you? You saw me glance over at you more than once. You caught me staring countless of times.

"You saw all that shit and were fine with it before. But now..? Now that someone ratted me out.. you're just going to pretend you didn't notice? You're ignoring it? Really? You have to be shitting me."

"Please.. just shut up." Hyunjin whimpers back. He didn't want to hear this. Not now, not later, not ever. He never wanted to be shown all his mistakes and everything he was guilty of; harsher than a punch thrown straight to his face for pleasure.

God, he hated this.
They both did.

And they knew it, laying in the back of their heads like a third wheel sticking along.

Felix takes in a deep breath, now stepping back from Hyunjin like he was in disbelief. His face mirroring the elder's at how tight and strained it was forcefully molded, he himself disturbed at how Hyunjin had told him to shut up rather than the hurt in his voice. So clear for everyone's ears, yet was so easily overlooked by Felix in an instant.

"I'm going to be honest with you.." Felix trails along, attempting to prepare the elder for what they was coming.

"Please don't." Hyunjin jumps in.

He knew exactly what Felix was going to say. And quite honestly, he didn't want him to do it; he didn't need to watch him take big hell of a leap. He didn't need to see the steps of the latter following his own stupid desires- one that would bring out the truth dangling under Felix's nose and up for his small eyes to finally understand. Uneasy at the idea of how much overflowing hurt would be conveyed in a matter of seconds.

Hyunjin tries to stop it all with a single gaze, begging him rethink each and every decision before pursuing it. Asking the younger to step back and really consider if this was the path he wanted to choose; praying he would come to the conclusion of not even doing it.

It was stupid- selfish maybe- but it was undoubtedly going to protect them.

But Felix's mind was already made up.
Hell- it was even before he arrived here.
It just took the matter if he wanted to use it or not.

Even if the younger knew how everything may come crumbling down in a matter of seconds, the whole world twisted and mangled in every direction expect normal, he was still finally coming clean. At last mending the deep ache in his own broken heart.

Felix was done hiding from everything- wanting to be happily fulfilled and pumped back to a life where he could enjoy the simplicity.

He does everything he needed to without a second thought.

Felix releases himself to the outside world; spreading his broken wings and finally soaring.

Ultimately learning how to fly.

"I'm in love with you, Hyunjin. And you already know it."

Shit.
Here they go.

The words rolling off his tongue, seeping through his teeth, seeming so emphasized and pronounced like a literal angel had spoke for the two of them. It felt so real- like being snapped out of a daze- to finally hear it come out of Felix himself. Like this was literal proof that it was true.

And god, did that make it harder.

Hyunjin lets a small frown just barley drift onto his chin, keeping the action to himself and away from Felix's eyes darting back and forth between his in desperate search for an answer; about to take a single blink as a reply. Leaving Hyunjin to leave his expression numb and dead in fear of letting the younger take the wrong clue.

The elder was distraught and frantic- finding himself unprepared for what was shared; even if he knew it was coming. Only making it harder to express what he wanted to say back- too difficult to put it into words for both of them to clearly understand.

Hyunjin couldn't just flat out say it, being so raw and unedited as it was. He needed hours to process it all before shaping up a perfect reply to the younger's idiotic confession.

But he didn't have time.
If he was going to do this, he was to do it now.

And it took nearly everything inside of him to actually follow through with it; slipping through his fingers like a squirmy fish at the un-denying truth that he was going to mess up the younger. That he was unquestioningly about to mentally disfigure and mess him up for the rest of his life.

He knew it all perfectly well.

Knew how Felix's mindset would be fucked for the longest time. Going to make him go crazy, insane, purely psycho. Knew how it was something that was going to stick with Felix in the back of his head for the rest of his dragged-on life.

Hyunjin knew.

Him- knowing the consequences- messed up everything.

Just like that.

"I'm not in love with you."

- end -

•••••

Chapter Text

•••••

[Pre-Chorus : Bang Chan, Changbin, I.N]
To be just friends, you're too beautiful
To just stay as friends, I know I'll regret this so
I know I'll regret, so I decide to express my feelings
I want to be more than just friends
I like you too much

_

Year. 2016.

_

"Channieee.."

The words were so soft; you almost couldn't hear them.

Echoing around quieter than wind and still being simply overlooked.

They were the words of someone who was trying to clear away their hazy mind.

Attempting to snap out of the sleepy fog from deep slumber.

Stretching from the edges of a weary voice to the wrinkles scrunched up on their face; displaying the clear struggle of arising a few brief seconds ago.

One's head would simply turn in curiosity at the sudden small words fluttering around without any warning.

Interested to see the predictable droopy eyelids that were secretly craving the idea of going back to sleep- unable to function this late at night unlike others.

Fascinated to hear the clear inability of how they couldn't pronounce anything correctly at the moment; dragging and cramming words into deformed places. The need to be more awake- more energetic- slipping directly past their fingers.

The plain exhaustion the younger held was expressed in the little ways of how he skidded against the corner of the wall clumsily- masking deeper into the devouring darkness while letting it coat him with a sort of luxurious feel; embracing how it was more welcoming than home.

He looked weary in the way of how he lazily nuzzles his head deeper into the warmth of the hoodie; it entirely hanging loosely and perfectly around his whole body- an oversized fit that made him thankful he had slipped it on earlier. Doing its job of protecting him against the world, even if he had been scolded playfully not to.

"Channie, come to bed.." he sighs deeply, attempting to neglect just how badly cracked his voice was- ripping apart everything in its pathway. Awakening and disturbing those who had withdrew to doze off in their luscious dreams; pulling back life lost in the night.

The latter seems to well know when to take his cue- instantly following the scratched vocal chords that were barely hanging on at this point; hearing how they were calling out for full attention. Making him spin out of his strict focus in a millisecond to finally and formally greet the small dead voice- being curious and half in awe to face the sleep deprived child himself.

"What're you doing up?" he softly whispers out. Passing a small smile gently against his mouth, letting cute dimples pop up and compliment the affectionate expression he held- eyes overfilling and squinting with pure fondness it was impossible to explain; the type of look of being so overly in love with someone.

He watches Minho tenderly sigh, taking note on how he rocks back on his heels and pushes himself deeper into the corner of the wall- like the younger was embarrassed he even came back out at the first place; mentally criticizing himself.

"I'm waiting for you.." he trails on innocently. His tiresome eyes still adjusting to make out the dark shadowy figure that had just spun around; watching him stretch out from being hunched over busy work.

Chan laughs gently and amusingly, sinking back further into his chair while seeming to quickly dismiss the tasks he was preoccupied with beforehand; making his mind up right there and then that he had more important things to care for.

The elder delicately eases out the fatigued expressions stained to every edge of his flawless face- hoping it would clear his blurred mind on the very brink of permanently shutting down. Badly wishing his brain would focus and concertante onto all the little adorable details of the person who managed to interrupt him; the only one offering a break to the overburdened man.

"Come here.." Chan gently pats his lap as an invitation. Knowing well it wasn't the most comfortable thing to lay on- compared to the cushiony bed Minho had given up. Though still childishly craved to feel his adored one wrapped happily in the crooks and curves of his body.

Minho studies the man's arms that were now spread out wide and sloppily hanging in the frozen atmosphere. Waiting around patiently even though his eyes were darting around to every corner; practically begging for the small warmth they were to share, to feel that emotion that was always worth the wait.

Minho finds himself having to keep a sudden light smile pressed away at the joyous welcome; being filled with so much content and hidden relief that he had been asked to stay instead of being shooed back to bed. Knowing he would only gain small fibs and empty lies of 'I'll be right there' comforting him in the least.

The younger uses the little strength reserved to push and twist himself off the wall. Starting to take his own precious time at shuffling across the creaky floor- dragging his feet at an unhurried pace with a slothful imagine of being lured halfway back into slumber. Knowing in the very back of his mind that there was no rush; that the elder would wait there longer than eternity itself- a tiny characteristic Minho deeply admired about him.

Chan widens his smile, teeth and gums now peaking out and floating up into Minho's eyes. Affecting the younger to mimic the action and reflect back his own pure happy smile in great response; displaying the euphoria at being coaxed into the craved comfort.

Minho arrives at Chan's feet briskly and fully inhales the elder who was still gleaming brighter than the sun; resembling a fool who was in love.

God, even Minho wonders who wouldn't be in love with him either.

Without further warning nor desire to keep stalling, Minho slips right into Chan's lap like it was rehearsed. Locking in the placement of his thighs and calves to be closed tightly around the latter's- now fully leaning onto the enjoyable leverage and allowing himself to finally relax.

Minho pops his hands up and let's them curve their way in until the very tips of his nails were playing with Chan's frizzy hair and tenderly cupping his cute swollen cheeks. Holding a soft grip on the latter's face, who was tenderly staring up at him with drained eyes, as he pulls their foreheads against one another- falling deeper into the soaring feeling inhaling them.

Minho flutters his eyes close for a brief moment, tilting his neck around to tenderly brush and tease against the start of the elder's mouth. Knowing every single outline and curve of Chan's face better than the back of his hand; like a map well studied.

Their lips find each other without any hint of slight struggle; having already crafted and perfected every single kiss to the touch and mood of the atmosphere. Holding the constant ability to make others glare and gape with jealousy at their shared happiness and strong connection; disgracing other relationships unintentionally.

Their lips stay tightly latched onto one another and it forces Minho to clench harder onto Chan's cheekbones. Deepening the kiss like he was about to loose the everlasting opportunity.

The elder's spine foolishly shoots up straighter at the startling feeling hungrily eating him- enjoying how it made him feel invincible and bulletproof; a different sense of high. Infecting him to take his own part of weaving his hands around slowly to Minho's back, carefully touching every single sensitive part that he knew the younger liked to have massaged. Using it as simple bait prior to tightening them in closer together.

Their lips devour each other, getting into every single crack they were allowed to. Waking both of them up stronger and better than what average caffeine could do in the morning. Swallowing down how deliciously addicting all of this was to their young minds; unable to be sick of such a thing.

Minho guides his hands up past Chan's cheekbones, entangling and burying his fingers deeper in the untamed hair. Softly starting to unknot each snarl and twist with a ginger touch- instantaneously feeling a smile reflect across his own lips from the elder expressing his enjoyment.

But even with it all- even with all the blissful tingles enlightening them, even with the want to stay forever in this perfect moment; in this captivating paradise- Chan could sense the deep exhaustion that was poisoned all throughout it. Taking notice in the little ways that the younger was slumped sluggishly onto him like his life support, sinking into his lover while pushing for kisses that were more messy and inelegant.

Chan sighs gently at the realization, taking the will to pull his hands back around and kindly guide away the younger attached to him. Accepting just how much desired sleep was starting to get the best of them; convinced to crawl back in bed and accept what was desperately needed.

The elder softly separates from Minho's soft warm lips- though doesn't dare even get as far as moving their foreheads away from each other; not willing to loosen any grip they held. Still keeping Minho tucked in so close that Chan's own carefully picked words roll right into his tongue.

"We should go to bed.." he murmurs soothingly as Minho's mouth follows- connected like a half kiss.

Minho nods groggily, still sinking onto Chan like he was a comfortable pile of blankets. Showing off at just how badly he needed to fall back asleep and taking the cue to do so in Chan's peaceful arms. Nestling his head around until finding its new home against the elder's chest offering him greater luxury.

He swaddles his arms around Minho, who was cutely wrapped and stationed onto him like a newborn cat, prior to making the attempt of standing up on the cold carpet. Feeling as the younger tightens his legs around Chan's waist in the imaginative fear of magically floating away.

The elder takes his time to stumble away into the dark hallway, eyes squinting around to make sure that he wouldn't bump into any objects hidden away in the dark. Fearful of disturbing the literal angel falling asleep in his arms.

He tries to keep his footsteps light and easy, smoothly finding his own sense of navigation with sounds so quiet it seemed like he was on his very tiptoes- never having walked with such caution before.

Chan crawls with such a dreadful and painful pace, taking longer than pure ages to complete the distance, until he finally comes across a half ajar door. At last announcing their arrival as it leads them back to the deserted bedroom; one that was scattered with clustered sheets and dozens of stranded pillows smiling up at them.

It all reads the story of how much Minho had previously struggled from being unable to get a wink of sleep. Telling peering eyes that he had done everything in his ability- tortured by the endless tossing and turning- until eventually giving up and making the easy decision to retrieve back his loved one.

Whom was now successfully returning.

Chan pushes the corner of the door open with the tip of his toe- getting a welcoming groan from the strained hinges in return; ultimately declaring their entrance. Influencing Chan to whip up a smear of a grin to be plastered all across his face; delighted at the accomplishment fulfilled.

His feet unconsciously guide him along the way- shuffling and trailing at a stable speed past the eerie darkness. Sneaking over all the obstacles in his way- ones willing to trip him- until the bed frame harshly collides against his bared shins, releasing a single sharp knock that gives Chan permission to safely plant Minho down.

The elder shallowly heaves, starting to bend over and ease Minho onto the refreshing covers. Feeling how the latter's breath that was seeping down his neck now slowly fades away; letting him escape into the grasp of the bed. Permitting Chan to cautiously withdraw his hands and detach his body once Minho was all situated and satisfied.

And yet, the moment Chan starts to put a few good inches between them- barely even getting a thick centimeter- soft hands immediately shoot up and tug the strings of the elder's fluffy hoodie; pleading for him to not get any farther. Knocking the steady balance under him as his arms give out; crashing straight down onto Minho's chest. Letting the younger sneakily tighten him into a firmer hug.

Chan lets Minho cloak him a sense of security, feeling how the younger once again wraps his legs around the elder's lower back before using his careless strength to roll them both over; nudging in close to absorb the familiar smell already greeting his nose- feeling complete and finalized to fall asleep without anymore troubles.

Chan passes up a genuine grin to himself, enjoying the way Minho's hand trace along his back, and peeks down at the baby boy who was already inside a coma within his arms. Overflowing his eyes once again with an emotion one couldn't even possibly begin to explain nor understand; purer than any complicated feeling.

He allows himself to relax against the latter- their exhilaration vibrating back and forth from being cuddled up together, clinging onto one another without any need to move or readjust. Both knowing that this exact same position may as well be where they spend their last days living; enwrapped in the coziness that was warmer than a blanket fresh out of a laundry batch.

Together, they both fade into slumber that the night was willing to give them. Being lullabied to sleep by the twinkling stars and welcomed right into their awaited dreams- making them feel that life was seeming to treat them right.

And they knew, whether deep down or secretly, that nothing was ever going to tear them apart.

Their love- and their souls- being closely connected that they were practically one.

And nothing could ever break a bond as strong as theirs.

The only thing that posed a single slim threat was time itself.

And time sadly came knocking on their door soon enough.

-

Year. 2018.

-

"I got an Americano!? Number.. three-hundred-twenty-four!?"

"That's me!!"

A small happy boy nudges their way gleefully through the thick crowd, a tiny innocent grin painted into the depths of the cheeky face as his shuffling feet glide him along past others rolling their eyes with an emotion ruder than irritation; not caring to admit the jealousy, though displaying it well enough to show.

The boy doesn't seem to care about the fact that he has to practically claw and jam his elbows against everyone stuck in the frozen line; the result of others being too impolite and stunned to even move out of the man's defined pathway. Only forcing out more annoyed glances to be thrown around in each and every direction- worsening the situation as it would appear.

Everyone's eyes were following the person, who's hair was bouncing up happily at finally being able to retrieve the Americano he was promised; allowing those pissed off customers further complain about how this was unfair shit.

It calms down the busy loud crowd for a few brief seconds, every single person standing in the grumbling dead mob starting to stare and salivate unmannered like starved wolves at watching the man pick up his coffee with ease and waltz his too joyous of a way out. Glad himself that he had the chance to escape and leave behind the bursting coffee shop until the actual rush hour came.

The small stiff silence hardly lasts yet another minute, dismissing the interruption in a heartbeat once the boy was gone out of sight. Instructing the next person in line to step up and demand their specific order- going back to screaming over all the noise that was climbing higher.

Everything snaps back to normal in the stressed little place; that if someone overlooked the buzzing crowd there wouldn't be a face that was scrunched up in disgust or tugging down on their eyelids. Everyone either sneering from the crying babies or with the fact that they were going to be tremendously late for work; being stupid enough to believe that this would be a quick in and out.

Scattered over the place there were faces pinched with undeniable stress- from the employees that were screaming back and forth at each other to the customers waiting around in painfully long and nerve-racking minutes.

It was your average coffee shop full of edgy parents everywhere; doing a disappointing job of trying to calm down their reckless children. Promising the craziest of ideas just to get them to shut up and stop their whining.

With the other handful of opposites that were muted and had their own noses buried into the depths of a phone screen- about to compose a long ass message to why they were going to be arriving late or simply scrolling around with nothing but an empty mind to pass the time.

There were others constantly checking their watches, keeping track of the time that was crawling by yet rushing past. Authorizing the worriers to now start tapping their feet along with impatience, fidgeting with fingers and knuckles unconsciously; never knowing how to deal with such stress.

It was pure chaos. All of it really.

From every single face, personality, occupation, and or individual; they were all locked underneath a roof that had too much overwhelming anxiety to keep up with.

It was pure hell. As it felt.

Everyone was bothered by their own thing: crying children, impatient coworkers, upset employees, all the above.

Torture at its worse.

But it didn't feel like it to him.

The one man, who fit in perfectly well- be it appearance and image- yet had such a mindset out of place, he would almost seem extraordinary.

Instead of being a normal person picking up a meal or dozen of drinks, instead of muttering about how shitty it was to be here, instead of complaining about the bottomless list of why today totally sucked. He was caught to be inferring each and every single face; a tiny weird habit that this specific man held.

He was found to be purely awed and entertained at finding one person speaking and spitting into the phone with a more comfortable look than urgency. Blabbing on about why they were being so-called 'fashionably late' and asking what the whole office wanted because this was now becoming 'their treat'.

He seems to be fascinated beyond imagination as he stares after one little girl who was asking why 'mommy had to come here when she was already fat enough'. Watching carefully as the older female lowered down her voice to scold the child- going to finish the complete life lesson of 'what to not say in public' back at home.

He stays occupied by glancing around to the employees that had messed up drinks in the rushing process. Swearing out the most unthinkable sentence when an individual would spill over or completely screw up a beverage that was no longer drinkable.

The man had studied every single face, top to bottom, finding himself to be with the memory of having each stranger locked into his brain for useless information. Almost resembling a serial killer just from the odd looks of how his thinking process worked; as if he planning out his next murder plot right here and then.

The man darts his head down from suddenly loosing slight interest in taking note of everyone, absorbing every piece of information until there was nothing left to do in addictive game, and instead finds better fascination at the small receipt in his hand. Fingertips stirring back up to life as he delicately thumbs over the smooth white crumbled crispness, showing off the well known number to his glinting eyes; promising to be called out shortly.

He inspects the black letters like they held a secret- even if they were only mashed and squished together onto the long strip of paper. Letting the numbers do their work of floating up to his curiously wide pupils and inform him that his turn was going to be next- luckily being behind the one that had been recently called out.

He keeps himself on his toes, ready to bolt when he was finally ordered to come. Having a clear plan to dash past the crowded line with a soft mischievous smirk planted on his face, wanting to rub it in the faces of others that he was the chosen one that finally got to leave the wretched place holding them against their wills. Knowing he was bound to make others jealous and profoundly envious; and entirely desires to do so.

He perks his ears open better than a dog's, awaiting for when the exact words would be rolling off an employee's tongue and calling out over the ruckus- giving out another special moment where everyone would stop to scowl and judge the lucky one.

"I got a.. water and... uh, egg sandwich!! Number three-hundred-twenty-five!! Three-hundred-twenty-five!!"

Perfect timing.

He pops his head up, smiling that he was at last escaping the miserable place.

The man scurries up to the counter, excusing himself from people that were staring him down left and right. Pretending that he wasn't inflicted with the immature acting and grudges being sent in all directions, and keeps his chin higher per second. Elbowing his way past people standing in the engraved trail just like the other boy had done. Eyes already locked directly on the employee that was wishing for him to hurry up and take his order out of here.

He passes a quick charming smile to the frown that was already out greeting him. Taking that as his awful cue to swipe his meal and cold refreshment from the hands that seemed exhausted from all the busywork. Even gathering up the small courage to yell out a quick thank you. Yet, unable to get a nod in return.

He dismisses himself away from the counter, spinning back onto his clacking heels and already dreaming of heading out the door into the fresh calming air excited to greet him. A beautiful place where the sun would take away worries and the wind would finger through his hair; a pure paradise.

A small grin stays planted onto his mouth, still staring down lovingly at his meal with hands clenched onto the packages in fear of its abrupt disappearance, while beginning to fantasize and salivate on what great treats were to fulfill his stomach.

And it pathetically leaves him to be heavily distraction; not at all, not even in the slimmest crumb, paying attention to where he was going. His head still remaining bowed to the crowd with a smug smile plastered all over it- almost like he had just committed something evil.

He didn't know how careless and unconscious he was being of his surroundings, not even getting a glimpse nor clue of the man coming from his blind spot until they are practically both down on their knees. The collision being so grand it even hurt their pride at how hard they had bumped into each other.

It feels as if all he did was blink before the meal goes shooting out from his hands. His sandwich being the first to fling out of his grip; getting lost and buried somewhere far from the disaster. As while the water makes an instant way to be littered down to the ground and slip up the souls of his feet- forcing him to lose his balance even more as the ice cubes turn the tile into a skating rink.

He falls down to the ground with a grand scene-stealing thump, a groan flooding right out of his mouth to express the bruise that was going to be hanging on his tailbone for a few good months at least.

It makes him wince around in pain as his hands fiddle along the water puddle for stability. Now being full submerged into the pool that was drowning him, despite not even being a couple inches thick- already having a clear guess as to how humiliating he was going to be when standing up. Damp and gaining something new highlighting his butt; just what he needed to call more attention to himself.

But that didn't seem to be the worst of his problems- barely even measuring up to it- as his mind refocuses on something that was pounding for attention. Starting to finally concentrate and tend to the tremendous flaming feeling all over his entire upper chest. Knowing well there would be deep coffee stains and burns gleaming up to meet him.

Oh, how excellent.

He tilts his head down to unsurprisingly find pure light brown liquid sprayed all over his hoodie. Only causing him to groan out even louder at the chaos displayed to the very tips of his chest. Being such embarrassing pain that made him decide to never return back to this coffee shop again- preferring death than ever showing his face up here again.

And best yet, it just happened to ruin his favorite hoodie.

His brows furrow together harshly, clearly pissed that his own paid for meal was completely destroyed to bits. Having to wait what felt like full blown days to finally retrieve it, yet only getting someone's already sipped and hot-ass coffee to splatter all over him in return.

He whips his head around to the voice that was already throwing threats and bombs towards the innocent one down on the ground; capturing so much practiced complaining it would make anyone want to tear their ears out.

"Oh, have to be fucking shitting me. I was waiting for that damn coffee for over thirty minutes! And then you have the audacity to bump into me!" The person yells around foolishly, frowning upon the man that was now twisting around to get away from the water chilling his bones.

"Ohh, you're one to speak. You weren't watching where you were going!! It's not my problem you have a clumsy ass!!" he bluffs, knowing well that it was him who had his head bent down and preoccupied; being the one who did start the mayhem, but refused to admit it.

The person- pinpointed to sound exactly like a man, yet wasn't acting one- scoffs loudly. Staring at him off the bridge of his nose; treating the latter like a single annoying pest needed to be smushed and swatted away.

"Speak for yourself, hobo."

He tidies up his hoodie in an annoyed manner, disregarding the words that weren't going to hurt, and instead focuses on steadying himself out evenly on top of the tiny cubes- forcing the little wiggles and squirms to stay still. Praying that he didn't slip on the billions of pieces once more and expose what a pathetic loser he was for everyone to tease about.

He tilts up his chin up higher to the voice, now about ready to defend himself. About to show the crowd that even though he fell flat on his ass, it didn't happen.

Because now, now he had become fully triggered. And now he was going to completely wreck this man, to curse the hell out of him, to make him wish he hadn't spoken all those words- until he would drop dead.

Yes, he was going to let his overflowing thoughts finally be pulled on the person who had just simply bumped into him. To rage all his held back emotions from his torturous brain; not even knowing the power and capability they held.

He was going to throw a pure classic tantrum.

Over being stained with coffee.

Yes, he was going to do it.

He was so going to do it.

But he doesn't do it.

He unexpectedly stops halfway through, the quick single flick of a second slowing down time- as his crazy eyes lock directly onto the ones he had been previously yelling at. Comprehending faster than a racing heartbeat on understanding who exactly the man was; crashing onto him as unbelievable realization.

He freezes dead in his tracks- like a deer stuck gazing at headlights- and stops whatever rude thing was getting ready to roll off of his tongue.

Because it was him.

It was him.

It was him.
Standing there.
With the same star struck expression written all over his face.

Filled with pure incredulity.

"Bang Chan?"

Ouch, that stung.

He couldn't ever recall- nevertheless imagine- such a time where he was called his full name directly by the man.

And it gets him to realize how much he had grown to hear the small nicknames previously given, safekeeping them as a secret for himself. Taking much of a liking to them and now preferring it a great deal more than his actual bland name.

"Minho.. it's.. uhm.. it's uhm, great to see.." Chan trails off with failure- too occupied by looking the man up and down with intensity. Like a pure piece of priceless art was planted right at his feet. And it technically was.

Minho pushes out a flat laugh, forced and bored. The worst type that could only personally hurt Chan's heart, "Yeah.. hah. Wish I could say the same," he slurs out together.

The words go directly over Chan's head; utterly failing to comprehend them as he was too preoccupied on studying the classic black suit that was engraved around Minho's body. Noting how it fitted more perfectly than anything known to humanity. Finding his own mind to ignorantly still be whipped and in awe of the dark colors clashing well against the latter's light toned glowing skin. Making Minho's beautiful brown eyes flare up even more and seem to the most likable; being it the reason why everyone was heads over heels for him.

He studies hard how the suit compliments the slimness Minho always maintained and kept- outlining his small well known curves and even the shaped muscle Minho had gained over time.

In summary, he was perfect from head to toe.

Typical Lee Minho.

And it rapidly makes Chan dismiss the mess still sloshing around under him, right there grateful that he took the coffee spill instead of having it all splash over Minho's perfect work suit.

Being a shame to ruin the priceless masterpiece.

"Is that.. my.. I mean. Is that the hoodie I gave.. you? For your, uhm.. your birthday?" Minho picks his words out carefully. Seeming to think that if he said it wrong, the elder would come collapsing down to the ground like a baby.

Chan's eyes curiously travel back up to the latter's, trying his best to ignore the small dot of coffee splattered onto his left cheek. Laying there so tiny and elegantly he was sure that Minho didn't even know about it; merely looking like a little chocolate chip mole holding Chan's peculiar interest.

And it does no favor to him as it brings back unintended memories of when those cheeks were his to touch. And only his. Where, back in the good days, he could just freely wipe any smudge off and never care if it looked odd to the people around them.

But now, that was all ruined.

"Uh.." Chan glances down like he had to think over the question; like he didn't know the evident answer himself.

Hoping it wasn't in the least obvious that he wore the hoodie every single fucking day.
Like he totally wasn't still emotionally attached to a piece of clothing.
No, no, Chan had to pretend like he didn't know any of that.

"Oh, is it? Gosh, I don't remember you ever giving me this.." he stumbles along, purposely bowing his head down further to hide the flushing in his cheeks bound to sell him out.

Minho let's out a small laugh, seeming amused that he was being bluffed to. His vocal chords still remaining fake and practiced enough, though would admit that he was finding it oddly pleasurable to catch sight of the tips of Chan's ears clearly turning red; his fibbing doing nothing to defend him whatsoever.

Chan, whose head was still bent with distress and agitation, motions up a fast hand to point crookedly to Minho's own dazzling outfit, the next question and attention belonging to the latter. "And you.. you.. work. Right? You're going to work.. I presume?"

Minho nods blankly, flickering hands around to straighten and tidy himself back up- like he entirely forgot that he had waltzed in looking this good. Being snapped back into reality with confidence tugging in the corners of his absolute fake smile- straightening down his shoulders for a better sophisticated look; like he was comparing the two. Knowing well that he had ended up more successful.

"No, actually. I have an interview today.."

Minho's eyes widen when the words finally echo back to him- comprehending the grumbled sentence in an instant; digesting back again what he had technically told himself. Now just barley recalling where he was actually destined to be; in a place that was far away from the cluttered mess keeping him occupied.

"I'm actually.. I'm going to be late. So if you would excuse me, I need to go," Minho dashes past Chan, getting a strong breeze of his scent to pass through and feel nostalgic against the elder's nose.

"It was such as a pleasure to see you again. Take care, yeah? Hope your producing stuff turns out well. Oh, and say hi to everyone for me. Maybe when I figure out my job we can all catch up sometime," the younger takes swift steps- only spewing out more lies the closer he gets to the door. Seeming that if he couldn't see Chan face to face it made it easier to give him empty promises for fake comfort.

"Bye Bang Chan," Minho waves a half hearted goodbye behind his shoulder, not even willing to look back as he dashes straight out of the coffee shop with no hesitance whatsoever.

Chan nods to himself, accepting that this was the best that he was going to get treated. Not entirely sure on how exactly he imagined what it was like to have a conversation with someone who had permanently removed themselves from his life; but would never expect someone with a sweet personality deep down inside to not let Chan bid his own goodbyes- a regret already forming inside the elder that he didn't think to speak up.

Chan sighs to himself, glancing down at his feet that were completely soaked with water, freezing the tips of his toenails and urging him to splash away from the untidy scene.

He makes a bee-like for the door, all while dismissing the people who were staring rudely without any sense of manner or etiquette. Too tired to show that he wasn't bothered about how he had just become the small talk of gossip for everyone- his head already bowed submissively to the whispers getting passed along each and every aspect.

All he needed to be was away from there; to get out and flee.

To be some place where he could sit quietly without the knowing of what a complete loser he was- worse than a big fat failure.

He needed to be somewhere alone with his thoughts; too accept how he wished he hadn't spent all his time dwelling on the past. To realize that he should've gotten his shit just like the younger had done.

He wishes that he didn't lose track of his own pathway- like a puppet stuck on rotting strings. Replaced with something that agonized him for pleasure.

Chan wishes that he had moved on.

That he hadn't spent all his time with a pained heart and ripped apart soul for two years.

Two fucking years.

Two years- he couldn't let go.

Two years- he was constantly tortured and pained.

Two years of being unable to move on from someone that broke up with him long ago.

Two years of still loving a person that already said their final goodbye.

Chan still wanted that person back.

Chan was still in love with Lee Minho.

- end -

•••••

Chapter Text

•••••

[Chorus : Seungmin , Lee Know]
Sorry that I like you, I'm sorry
I'm sorry for liking you
Sorry that I like you, I'm sorry
If liking you is wrong
Sorry that I like you so much, I'm sorry
I tired to hide my feelings, but I guess it was too obvious
I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I like you

-

Year. 2014.

-

"C'mon you little piece of shit. We don't got all fucking dayyy..."

His patience was lost entirely- gone and slithered from his grip.

Making him fumble around with slight annoyance and confusion of how his anger was steadily boiling down. Hating the idea that his well crafted weapon- one being able to pierce through mental states faster than a blink- was swiped away from his grasp. Only making him spew out fake excuses in return.

He was desperately, and somehow failing, to try everything in his power to not loose what could only help him; praying to get together his sizzling down emotions and boil them back up again to use them to the full capability. Aching to get his fogged up brain balanced and pretend that he was allowed to act so immature and ill-mannered.

His pinches his lips together until they were pure white, making his expression seem sick and pale just like a ghost. His mouth turned over and stretched out that it was believed he was born with a frown instead of the glimmering smile he would rarely show on special occasions.

His brown eyes were strained and focused, dark circles giving them a dull flare as it shows how easily they were about to pop out of the sockets themselves; to come rolling down onto the ground and still somehow hold the angry expression they were flared up with. Almost receiving pity among others on how the poor boy needed deep sleep and better hydration to return back to normal.

He taunts a glare down hard at his opponent, digesting how much the other was shivering and shaking like literal snow was piling on top of him. Already guessing that the latter's mind was currently racking up a million of other possibilities that could torment him alive; leaving him to walk around with constant bruises and cuts- which were no doubt to cause scarring later on.

"I'm gonna beat the shit out of you, you little fucker," he continues on, kicking the dirt with the tip of his shoe at the boredom and frustration that was unbearable- wanting just anything to irritate the younger and get some actual action to make him feel alive.

The latter- still trembling in undeniable fear- finds himself almost rolling his eyes in disbelief. Letting the containment of holding himself together nearly slip up as he feels the need to scoff and criticize at how uncomplicated it was to catch onto the immatureness another dumbass bully held; only having the ability of a pea sized brain to use the two most common swearing words.

'Shit' and 'fuck'.
The classic.
The unoriginal.

Though, even with the undeniable information he was no doubt ten times smarter than the elder- having a better range of potential threatening words- the blackmail still gets him to shake his head as a weak reply. Showing and pleading with just the simple sway of his hair that he wanted to go home and scramble away from the mess.

It forces the frail one to sputter out his next words, bringing more attention to the caked blood visibly hanging onto the corners of his lips- previously occupied with licking away the wound that was planted alongside his mouth; tasting metallic on his tongue for a good minute or two.

"Please.. Minho.. just.. let me go home," the younger manages to squeak out, holding his body like he was a fragile piece about to break.

"Awwee.. 'please-please Minho.. just let-let me g-g-go home'.. like the fucking wimp I am," another voice mimics. Empathizing too much on the little stutters while laughter starts to crawl up their throat- tilting their head back to fulfill themselves with contagious little giggles.

"Ah, poor babyyy.." he wipes away unnecessary fake tears for the spite of it, "You can't leave now, we still have a full course meal planned ahead," Jisung pushes his tongue against the inside of his cheek, swinging his teeth around until they start to nibble on his lip like it held pure sweets.

He squats down to meet eye level with Seungmin, craning around a hand to gently retrieve something that was sticking out in his back pocket- bulging out to the point where it was purposely bringing more attention to his butt. And in the way others wouldn't admit they liked looking at.

His fingers gingerly tug out a pocket knife, gripping it along the curves of his hands with the confidential truth of how he had recovered it from the very edge of his parents' garage- being the dullest it could get, though the weapon still posed a hazard to others with the unknown secret.

He pops the knife out, shining it against the sunlight and successfully getting a small gasp to flow past Seungmin's lips; shocked that they would bring out a dangerous toy to play with.

Proving that all the endless possibilities, the ones they have always terrorized and sweared to follow through with, were coming alive right in front of his eyes. At first underestimating them to actually follow through with their previous lies, though now it was too late.

Jisung hums to himself, lifting the knife up and trailing it around to frame Seungmin's chin. Doing it with such dreaded slowness that each second seems to tick by unhurried for the worse.

He overlooks the latter's hair, staring after the brown locks that were messed up and matted from previously being pulled and tugged on. Each hair sticking out with a static appearance like he had just woken from deeper slumber not too long ago; a thing that others secretly found cute on him.

"Ayy, let's see.." Jisung slurs his words together, finding a great amount of interest in playing around with Seungmin. Pleasantly watching him shiver even harder at the cold knife being pressed to his skin; threatening his life as he knew it.

"Hmm, what about getting some surgery done?" he cocks his head to the side, dropping his chubby cheeks all the way down to brush against his shoulder.

"Maybe that's why you're so fucking ugly," he spits out with enthusiasm.

"Maybe.. if we lost the shitty hairdo, everyone would turn their heads. Maybe if you had a fatter ass, or even more damn curves, the whole school would find you attractive. Maybe if you didn't have those ugly squinted almond shaped eyes, with the boring brown color- you could fuck anyone you wanted.

"And maybe.. just maybe.. if you looked prettier, had the beauty, the body, the everything you wished you could have, maybe then.. Minho would finally ask you out on a goddamn date."

Seungmin's eyes flutter down further to the ground- trying his best to not overthink the words Jisung had murmured out; being as true as a drunk man's. Forcing himself to hold back the ache of finding Minho's own concentrated pupils- curious to see his particular reaction.

"Guess that won't ever happen," Jisung continues on with a brief sigh, dismissing the glares Minho was trying to get through the back of his stubborn brain.

"Oh, but wait.." he talks like someone was still listening to him. Simply pretending for his sake that the both of them were paying attention to every single word like they depended on it- and taking notes while at it.

"Since we are such amazing friends.. guess what?" he wheezes out to himself, dragging on the rare show nobody wanted to participate in, "Since we're sooo amazing.. we'll do it for free.

"Yes yes, let's start with the face shall we? The most eye ripping part- the worst will be done in no time whatsoever. Trust me... you're in good hands," Jisung presses the knife firmer against Seungmin's cheeks, sinking barley into his skin.

The younger starts to shake his head hard, hating how the piece of cold metal felt against his face. Averting his gaze off the ground and back up to see the crazy expression Jisung held; looking like a wolf who was ready to devour their food- resembling a pure maniac.

He feels sharp pain spring out in each and every direction as the knife leisurely jams it's way into the first layer of his skin- effecting Seungmin to remain paralyzed with horrify; not even having the slight idea to scramble away.

Jisung smirks softly at watching Seungmin struggle from under him- amusement flooding to his eyes as the knife continues on inching down Seungmin's chin; a small visible cut finally making its own mark.

Blood cracks out into the broad daylight, flushing up bothersome disturbance and shock to Minho still gaping at the scene like an idiot- digesting that Jisung was actually doing something this crazy. That he indeed was witnessing this right before his own somewhat innocent eyes.

"Stop, Jisung. You've gone too far." Minho shakes his head with utter surprise, stepping forward to call things over before they could worsen.

Jisung tugs back the knife from being suddenly stopped, the blood now running down Seungmin's cheeks like bleeding tears and gently giving Jisung's small weapon a light coat of red all over the sides; dripping and drizzling out around the whole mess.

"Leave him alone.." Minho grumbles out.

Jisung rolls his eyes with irritation while popping back up to his feet, his attention now focused onto Minho like he was bound to sculpture his face next.

"Aweee.. is Minho trying to protect little Seungmin? How cuteee.." Jisung sighs into his stance, rocking back onto his heels and letting the knife easily sway in between his fingers. Dangling it around like he couldn't care less about the crime he nearly committed.

"How. Fucking. Cute."

Minho swallows down harshly- his own Adam's apple bopping around angrily- and feels the desired urge to take out all his anger on Jisung. Craving to plunge him down onto the ground and punch the latter over and over until he couldn't breathe; disliking entirely how Jisung had dared to lay a single finger on Seungmin without seeking his consent beforehand.

"Go home. And loose that fucking knife, I don't wanna see it again." Minho replaces his irritation with words; ones Jisung would be caught dead using if the situation was switched.

The elder doesn't even present a chance to have Jisung protest against him, already leaving the unpleasant disorder they were caught in while shoving directly past the latter- purposely ramming his shoulder into Jisung's and letting him stumble back a few good steps in the process.

Minho keeps his gaze down and away, focused awkwardly on his boring shoes and trying his best to not care about the whole situation; being it one he wished he could forget.

He rushes past quivering Seungmin and the death grip he had secured on his knees- catching on to how the latter slowly starts to rock himself back and forth while drawing up a shaky hand; beginning to swipe and disturb the throbbing wound already worsening. Ignoring the obvious fact that Seungmin's quiet brown eyes were softly peaking past his entangled bangs and following Minho with a weary expression; daring to push out the tiniest saddened sniffle- filled with a sour and melancholy taste.

It drives Minho to barely crane his neck around- his slight curiosity getting the best of him- until their eyes lock directly onto each other. The lifeless brown ones of his own instantly grasping the struggle of how Seungmin was trying his best to blink past the forming tears scattered on the tips of his eyelashes- his gaze simply directed to Minho with such innocence it nearly persuades him to drop down on his knees and tend Seungmin's wound on his own; snuggling him in close until all the pain would go away.

But he couldn't.

He couldn't ever.

And that angers him.

Knowing that he already screwed all of it up.

And that there never would be a chance of fixing a fucked up problem like this.

Instead, Minho dismisses his lingering thoughts and yanks his gaze back down comfortably to the ground- a place where he could avoid all eye contact or any sudden mishaps willing to agitate his tired brain.

He resumes trudging along, hoping if he put psychical distance between him and his main problem, he could entirely erase the complicated emotions overflowing and drowning him with painful slowness. That as the steps guide him further away- each one carrying less weight than the other- he could completely forget whatever was buried in the one single gaze they had passed; conveying a secret message that not even themselves could begin to decode.

God, he hated this.

Loathed it entirely.

Asking why.

He needed to know why.

Why he felt this way.

Why what Jisung had said earlier bothered him so much.

Why hearing about finally asking Seungmin out on a 'goddamn date' was messing with his mind.

Just why it shocked him to hear that.

Why it meant so much to him.

Why he couldn't stop thinking about it.

Why. Why. Why.

Why did he fall in love with Seungmin.

-

Year. 2014.

-

"Seungmin?"

"Holy fucking fucknuggets shitting dog shit. Oh lord, baby Jesus, please don't take me now... wait."

Seungmin swirls around, the new voice making him jump out beyond his skin from being immersed in a secret world of his own. Feeling how his own heart was about to leap past his rib cage as he clumsily skids directly into the bathroom sink counter; instantaneously getting the sharp corner to push itself into Seungmin's lower butt- forcing out a visible and babyish flinch.

His bulging brown eyes trail around fiercely to the voice that had snuck up on him. Completely too absorbed in things and thoughts he couldn't even begin to explain for himself; seeming that as he was stored away in the school's old bathroom offering comfort, it had made him entirely miss another presence right under his nose. Throwing him off track at the jump scare that nearly took his life.

Wide frozen eyes meet his own, seeming just as shocked that Seungmin had gotten that frightened. Their eyebrows lifting under the chaotic bangs and seeming in the slightest concerned; almost unsure if he should help calm down the latter or just let him be.

The familiar face registers directly into Seungmin's brain within a blink, allowing him to let out a great sigh of relief and be immediately glad it wasn't a pissed off teacher in the school building. Being one who would no doubt drag him back down to the main office and give him a lifelong lesson on how 'staying in bathrooms after school was disrespectful'- or some shit that was made up on the spot.

Seungmin sucks in another brief inhale, seeming to gather himself back up, before pushing away from the counter- letting his now bruised butt finally breathe.

He tries to remind himself to be grateful- that he knew the worst wasn't going to come collapsing and falling down flaming to his feet, that he was safe from any terrible or dreaded punishment. But, even as he tries, Seungmin couldn't help but have his own expressions scrunch up on why- out of everyone- it had to be him.

It just had to be him.

"Uhm.. goodness sorry, you scared.." he trails off slowly. Now bowing his head down in its usual position, hanging low and drooping as it always was whenever he was close to the latter. All his confidence being sucked away and out of his reach; never there in the first place.

He clears his throat to cover up the awkwardness hanging in the air, noticing how boring and bland the school was without sounds echoing around, "I didn't mean to cause so much trouble.. I, uh, I can.. leave now."

It was an apology poorly begging for pathetic forgiveness, stuttered and stammered over miserably in a rush- already excusing Seungmin to start tripping over his heels; unwilling to stay around and see if he was going to let him escape the situation or not.

He reaches his hand out for the door, ignoring the fact that Minho was standing purposefully in his way, and tries to obey his own brain screaming and commanding him to get the hell out.

He just needed to get past that door and home. Only then he would be safe.

Simple.
Plain and clear.

Uncomplicated and straightforward.

So, so easy.

He couldn't possibly screw it up now.

Shit.

Oh shit.

Shitty shit shit.

He was so fucking careless.

So absentminded to accidentally brush against Minho- being the smallest nudge known to humanity as his own shoulder barley skims against the elder's.

He was screwed.

Seungmin tries everything to disregard and hide away the slip of an error- forcing himself to contain his eyes that had expanded and enlarged in inexpressible dread as Minho looks over at the uncalled for touch.

Seungmin tries to hurry up the process, now wrapping his fingers around the metal doorknob and rapidly twisting it in his sweaty palms.

He awaits for the door to click out of its place- to allow him to slip away from the mess that was damaging his brain, to let the door move the slightest centimeter and promptly provide him calming relaxation. To just be far, far away from it all.

And yet, despite that desperate want, despite the actual need, none of it ever arrives as strong hands are pushed against Seungmin's shoulder- stopping him from escaping.

A pit of ghastly worry forms in the back of his head, knowing that this was bound to happen; that Minho wouldn't just let him go with a bat of his eyes- never being that simple.

Seungmin rapidly swallows down his piling up slob, "Please. Please, I didn't mean to touch you.. I-I-"

He is stopped abruptly as Minho yanks him around to fully face one another. Eyes not even trying to hide the fact that they were clearly locked onto Seungmin's lips; getting the younger to sputter out for words at the confusion sneaking up his neck coated with embarrassment.

Minho trails his hands down to the very crooks of Seungmin's elbows, handling the fragile man with such cautiousness that it was fully unnatural to digest. Making both of them wish that they could forever stay and enjoy the affectionate touch- unable to experience such a rare thing- before Minho slowly guides Seungmin backwards without warning.

The younger is practically dragged along as his own legs permanently stop to function, authorizing Minho the duty to haul the latter who was still in fear of his soon to be fate; deciding what punishment was going to be handed this time.

It feels like he was raced and hurried back to the sink counter faster than light itself- once again greeted with the object that he was clutched onto a few minutes ago. Already getting the cold surface to wedge its luxurious place back into Seungmin's butt at the sudden halt; brutally touching his new bruise.

Seungmin moans out, way louder than he intended to, and it manages to get Minho to raise his eyes up with curiosity. Tracing around to greet Seungmin's eyes that were flooded with utter shock- understanding that Minho was now intrigued by the little sound trickling into his ears; despising that the younger had just exposed himself free like that.

"Minho.." Seungmin whispers, trying to dismiss how embarrassing all of this was and replace it with possible bribery.

The latter smirks in playful response, poking out his tongue to steadily run over his teeth- gaining attention to the elegant light colored lips, "You have no idea how much harder you're making this."

Minho progressively carries up his hand from being planted down on the younger's clenched elbow. Trying his very best to make sure Seungmin was treated with the utmost respect- not daring to discomfort him in the slimmest way- but still catches on to how the movement makes Seungmin flutter his eyelids shut. Showing that the younger was already bracing himself against any sort of damage that would accompany his stale bruises.

Minho shifts around a melancholy smile- filled with a genuine tinge of sorrow and sadness; asking and pleading for forgiveness after all the torture he had put Seungmin through- scarring and messing up the latter both mentally and psychically. And that was something that would always permanently remain.

Oh, how he wished he had done something different.

To not have Seungmin fear him longer than eternity.

Making it become a habit forced upon the younger to unconsciously panic in the slightest when either of them caught sight of each other.

He tries to fully convey his unspeakable apologies and wrongdoings as Minho laces his fingers gracefully into Seungmin's hair, still letting the younger keep his face twisted up in protection for the worst bound to sneak up and get the best of him.

"I'm not going to hurt you.." Minho whispers, now having his nose barely touching the tips of Seungmin's dirty bangs- secretly and stupidly wanting to devour the scent he held.

He watches the panic flood onto the younger's face as he loops his fingers into weaving out all the knots and snarls- a small massage that Seungmin wouldn't ever reveal he enjoyed.

Minho combs gleefully through his hair, tracing over every single inch until it was entirely copied into his mind. Persuaded to keep mapping the flawless face even further as he barely starts to graze the latter's cheekbones- tenderly pressing fingerprints against the very tip of his visible jawline. Now getting Seungmin to crack his eyes open; fazed that Minho was handling him with such elegant care.

Seungmin's cheeks begin to turn another deep shade of red- becoming someone utterly dumbstruck and speechless, hating how sheepish he converted into from finding the elder's eyes still being locked on Seungmin's lips; trained to them like they held gold.

Staring so hard, so fully concentrated and intense, like he was a priceless opportunity to look at.

It just didn't make sense.

He couldn't understand it.

He didn't understand it.

He was plainly unable to connect on how Minho could have anybody- anyone in the whole fucking world- yet he was choosing the this one person.

Out of everybody.

Out of everybody, he wanted to kiss him.

How could two and two possibly connect.

It holds such great disbelief to him that it feels like hands were literally choking the poor man to death- suffocating him even though he already couldn't breathe.

He could begin to feel the hot intensity that was burning and inching up all over his face- whispering and persuading him to run away.

To leave and never return.

To do it now.

Seungmin shakes his head hard for show, not minding how the latter's lips were drawn back together from being abruptly disturbed, "You.. what? Why-why would you.. don't even.. I.. what the actual fuck?!"

Minho watches Seungmin start to curse at him, filtering his hands back down to the latter's elbows in fear of being shoved away; keeping hold onto them like they were his only leverage to the last chance he had left.

"You're.. you're a fucking slut. Aren't you? Thinking you can kiss.. kiss anyone you want, huh? Well guess what, you can't just bully someone and then want to do.. what ever the hell this is!!" he huffs out- all the anger now unleashed; ready to destroy and demolish anything hanging in its pathway.

"I'm so sick and tired of your bullshit, Minho. I'm so fucking tired of you!! I'm done! I'm fucking done! I'm so fucking-"

Minho doesn't let him finish, halting the curse words that were unfitting to his angelic vocals, as he wraps his fingers around Seungmin's hips and shift his weight onto him.

He pulls the younger onto the sink with much ease, lifting the man who felt lighter than feather, and plants him down to the littered water- the coldness instantly seeping through the denim jeans and turning them into a darker color.

Seungmin was frozen back to solid, watching Minho press his forehead against his and push it back with so much force that it gently jumps against the mirror- now for sure loosing his final chance of escape.

Seungmin keeps himself still as the elder breathes onto his face- feeling how he lowers his chin to align it with the latter's, matching their mouths to smoothly brush past one another.

No. He didn't want this.
Seungmin didn't want this.

He needed to go.
He needed to stop this. He needed anything but this. He needed to go home and cry. He needed-

Holy shit.

Minho tasted good.

Their lips clash into each other, pulling in happy warmth to share as a treat, while small little butterflies ripple throughout their whole entire body. Their own somersaulting stomachs matching the tempo of their scattered heartbeats; competing against one another until they began to feel numb.

It tingles and pokes everywhere possible, making them secretly shiver from being so in love and drunk with each detail; almost seeming the least bit real, too perfect to be this actual.

Minho pushes harder against Seungmin's lips, enjoying how soft and plump they felt under his own mouth. Devouring every single boundary he could reach- grasping to the imagination coming alive right before his closed eyes; ideal as it could be.

It was an sensation that was ripping them apart at how fucking complicated it was- even if it didn't failure to pleasure them so well. Still being only two boys who were, for the first time, experiencing the addictive drug of being in love.

Seungmin detaches his lips from Minho's, inhaling a short gasp for air while panting directly on the elder's face. Taking a brief moment to recollect himself from his emotions that were pleasurably and steadily eating him up inside.

He squints his eyes up to Minho's, shaping them to be slanted and squinted in noticeable bewilderment, as he finds the latter's resting in an relaxed expression. Already back to studying Seungmin's brown glossy eyes like he could never get sick of such things- holding the tint of an understanding gaze that anyone would want to have directed to them. Seeming to just wait for when Seungmin would talk; being the one person anyone could pour their heart out to.

It leaves Seungmin to be distraught.
And more confused than ever.

Asking himself why he let Minho even hold him when he could never imagine, nor want, such things.

And yet, he was somehow so in love with the touch Minho gave him- that he was needing more of it. Even despite everything that was always influenced on him.

It didn't feel right, no.
But it didn't feel wrong either.

Seungmin pops open his mouth, keeping Minho close by that his words practically roll and bump into the latter's mouth. Whispering around elegantly that it forces the two of them to share the sentence as if they were saying it as one.

"This.. it doesn't work. You know it Minho, you can't just do.. it doesn't-"

Minho smoothly pushes his lips back onto Seungmin's, flooding both them with such color and warmth that it tastes beyond delicious to the both of them.

The younger's words gets muffled into Minho's mouth, proving that he cared about what he was hoping to say, yet didn't give a single damn to hear the protesting.

It takes everything in Seungmin to not flutter his eyes shut, to not allow Minho's hands to guide further along where they were stationed, to not enjoy how much he was fond of this once in an lifetime opportunity moment.

He has to literally shove away everything- the full package of desires- to snap back into reality.

Knowing that despite how good it felt, it didn't play by the rules of real life.

Getting a hard straight slap across his face with the truth itself.

Seungmin gently sways his head away to the side and skids off Minho's lips to prevent the next level from arriving; snapping him a great deal out of the blinding fog.

"Minho.." Seungmin pants out, "You shouldn't.."

"Just let me kiss you." Minho gently whispers out.

He doesn't hesitate to push Seungmin further down the sink, watching as the younger glides along the smoothness with ease, prior to hopping his own body easily onto it as well- thankful it was sturdy to fit two growing boy getting lost in their own universe.

Seungmin feels his own hands tighten around the edges and tips of the corners, holding on with so much stress his fingers were destined to explode into different directions. Enjoying too much of how he was greeted with Minho's thighs and knees pressing against his very own- welcomed to the place they were both stationed on.

Minho repetitively reconnects his lips for the umpteenth time- fulfilling his public way to close down the conversation, delaying any more unwanted interruptions furthermore, as he goes back to studying every single inch of Seungmin's mouth.

Though this time, the younger finally holds the strong enough strength to fully decline and refuse the unnecessary gift. Swinging his head back and forth sternly that it gets his cluttered locks to whip around- gently tickling both of their cheeks in the process.

His brain overtakes the process, not even knowing his own actions of pushing Minho entirely off of him, until he was basically stumbling down on the ground from rushing out and escaping the strong arms trapping him in the sink bowl.

He springs out from underneath the shadow of the elder, ignoring the dazed look of astonishment Minho had painted all over his expressions, as he pathetically scrambles away from the whole situation he wished he could disregard.

Seungmin bolts straight to the door, wrapping his trembling hands around it until he hears the doorknob click out of frame and yanks it open in a grand swing- jerking it so hard that nearly falls off its hinges.

This was the exact thing that he should've done the first time. One that would've shielded him against the worst; that wouldn't have let him get caught in a hell of a mess.

"Seungmin, wait. Please let me explain myself."

The younger doesn't stick around to hear it- slipping past the door faster than a heartbeat. Not even having the slightest want or single thought to even look back; already being good as gone.

He tears away from the dirty chaos- leaving behind the mess soon returning to haunt him in a short time; too occupied on recklessly fleeing to the exit.

Only making the elder be deserted all alone on carefully watching; now getting him to silently ponder over all the endless questions scratching up his brain.

Unanswered as to why he had to be so ignorant and stupid; not knowing how to control his own emotions. Inflicting so much pain on someone he never wanted to hurt- and knew the risk of doing it too.

Just why. Why was it so complicated.
Why was it so tangled up.

Why was it hidden and lurking deep in the unknown shadows for a surprise attack.

All his brain could ask was why.

Simple and plain.

Why, Minho, why.

Why was he like this- why was he such a screw up; why was he a loser, why was he a pathetic nobody who was crazed and loosing it.

Why?

Minho would never know why.

- end -

•••••

Chapter Text

•••••

[Outro : Han, Hyunjin]
Sorry that I like you, I'm sorry
I'm sorry for liking you
Sorry that I like you, I'm sorry
If liking you is wrong
Sorry that I like you so much, I'm sorry
I tried to hide my feelings, but I guess it was too obvious
I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I like you

-

Year. 1922.

78 years before the present birth of
Hwang Hyunjin and Han Jisung.

-

A soulmate.

How could one explain such a thing.

How could someone describe such an ethereal feeling.

How could anyone overcome the impossibility of defining an emotion that was purer than life itself; a beautifully loved and cherished view.

It was something so delicate, so fragile, so priceless. With every single little detail- every single that feature that shaped their beautiful bond- that could never be replaced.

It was all there.

Disguised in the little looks they had snuck from each other. From gazes that darted around with overflowing curiousness to ones that were purposely awaiting to be sought out.

It was there in every single laugh they shared;
ranging within chuckles that were different and unique each time. Always holding the genuine smile that gets their eyelids to shape into happy crescent moons- cracking free such a pleasant sight with a secret key.

It was there sprinkled all over their body language. Worked into the eyes that wouldn't dare leave each other's; being locked so well onto the pupils like they were loose them. To the classic sneaky gestures trying to get skin ship; ones that brushed against dawdled fingers in the slightest or even lingered around playful hugs for too long.

All of it was there.
Everyone could see how the two were so affectionate with each other.

Knowing without a doubt, that as they continue to grow up, their bond and fondness would last longer than those around them.

They all could sense it. See how they both protected each other. How they deeply cared about one another; being so emotionally connected to the point that they could sense when something was off, even if they weren't in the same room together.

Everyone could see how the two were pure soulmates.

That it was destined.

That it was going to be perfect even if the world had other plans.

And the world did have other plans.

_

Home.
09:14 at night.

_

"You fucking.."

An angered contained smack floats up and turns the atmosphere into something utterly poisoning. Infecting and exposing so much suffering into the whole place that it was now drowned in torturous feelings one couldn't ever imagine.

"Little piece.."

A thunderous slap collides once again to deafen nearby ears. Getting both of the contacted skin to start tingling between the two, flinching at just how much the whole process was bursting with an emotion worse than loathe.

"Of goddamn shit.."

Another painful hit goes right across his face. Letting his own flawless features be thrown around like they were a doll for pure enjoyment- entirely numbing everything to the point where every single muscle and bone felt like they had fallen off.

"Straight out of hell."

The younger squeezes his eyes together to prepare for the next slap he was about to get. Shutting them in so tightly that the fat warm tears break surface to the tips of his eyelashes; the attempt of trying not to cry becoming useless.

He awaits for his face to start tingling in drowning pain once more- for it to worsen his throbbing jaw and aching cheeks already sore from all the smacking. Anticipated to be greeted with yet another slap straight across the face to remind him how useless and stupid he was; knowing he would never be more than that.

He inhales faintly, allowing a small breather to pass through in the millisecond of rest allowed. Trying to calm down his brain and tell himself all this pain wasn't going to last forever; that his father would wrap it up shortly.

His attempt of relaxing himself fails quicker than a single heartbeat, useless even despite the need, as an uncalled for punch is propelled against the side of his rib cage. Resulting in a big groan to flow out at just the thought of the bruise going to be stinging for months.

He slips down farther to the ground, his forehead bouncing against the dirty wood floors, and cuddles himself up into a small ball- a weak effort to scramble away.

He can't help but start to cry. Buckets of pouring rain and thunderstorms passing over the barrier of how much it hurt; how much all of it, everything from little to big, was permanently scarring his adolescent mind. Neither of them understanding the long term effects or consequences awaiting their arrival in the murky future.

The tips of enraged feet begin to shove their way into the younger's abdomen, plunging the child against the wall and forcing him to take each kick with a grimace.

One after the other.
Over and over; again and again.
Countless times.

Making him sputter out with spit and start to hack up air at how much the force was pushing out of him.

He felt like throwing up- and nearly proceeds with the embarrassing action until thankfully the kicking halts for a brief second. Permitting the poor boy to curl up tighter and slightly massage his stomach; feeling like the skin had been yanked off; like someone was trying to pull out his guts from the outside.

"What did I fucking do to have a gay son?" his father spits down at him- the words somehow damaging Jisung worse than the psychical mistreatment.

They only make him cry harder, unable to fight against the way it burned and stung him to death. Inconsiderately touching up how wimpy he always seemed to his father's sickening and rotting pupils; the pure disgust painted all over his face at watching the younger cry out ugly tears unwilling to stop.

"You're a pathetic loser, Jisung. Falling in love with that stupid ass slut of a man. Trust me when I say you are no doubt going to come crawling back on your knees asking why you did such an idiotic thing. You will be nothing more than a failure in your lifetime, mark my words as easy as that. You little ignorant shit." his father scoffs down at him.

He steps himself away from the mess, rocking back on his lopsided heels while stretching and loudly cracking the ugly wrinkly fingers for show; like it pained him more to go through with this. Daring the audacity to pretend like he was that one inflicted with hurt- not even measured to the latter slumped half dead on the floor.

He huffs briefly before dragging his feet out of the room with heavy stomps, granting Jisung to sink down further like he was made up of the ground himself. Lightly listening to the creaks of the floorboards slowly fade out- officially declaring his independent freedom.

The comfort of being clear from any judgmental eyes authorizes his overflowing tears to splatter on the floor- making a light pitter patter of rain for only him to hear; almost being a comforting feeling if it didn't break his heart to hear.

It allows his mind to quiet down and peacefully process the millions of thoughts floating around unchaperoned; trying his best to reason and understand all that nagged him. Being grateful that he was finally deserted from any lingering souls snooping around, yet hated how he was left with the uneasiness of overthinking.

He couldn't help it.
Couldn't help but ask the most naïve questions that never had an answer.

Jisung wanted to know.

He wanted to know how to fix it.

He wanted to know how to erase the person he wasn't supposed to be.

Jisung no longer wanted to an absolute disappointment to his father; he didn't want to be a son that others were disgraced and ashamed about.

He didn't want to be attracted to men; wishing he wasn't wired in this odd complex way- that he didn't have to live with his own mindless desires and impulses.

He thinks about all of it- interrogating his whole existence to the best of his small capability.

Only beating himself for being a complete fuck up- not even given the clue that this was normal; that he currently was in the midst of figuring out his next big step in life. That the future was waiting for him to unlock and examine new refreshed aspects.

He didn't know that he just needed time; even if he wished to understand and comprehend all of it right now- everything sooner or later would click right into place.

Because- unlike others- he had a huge unknown advantage.

One that most never even got in life.

One that others fantasized about; wishing to even have it within their grasp.

One that was such a grand possession.

One that was already his.

Jisung already had his soulmate waiting for his arrival.

_

Summer.
11 at night.

_

"What is this?"

Hyunjin pops up a gentle hand in tendered caution and practiced elegance- gracefully trailing it around with weight lighter than an anxious feather; being careful on handling something that was beyond fragile.

He pushes the pad of his finger against the cheek that had caught his attention- not knowing how it immediately forces small ripples of irritation to abruptly shoot out around the throbbing injury.

It was the regular homey and friendly touch, one that was plainly curious about the caked makeup disguising the unpleasant wound forming, though it still failed to even prepare the latter from the sudden movement. Forcing him to mildly recoil and widen up his pupils at the raw contact.

Hyunjin's eyes trail up to the younger- now deeply concerned and worried that he was rejecting any piece of psychical contact in obvious fear. Catching on to how it didn't matter if it was the most briefest touch or if it was the lightest and sweetest thing in the world, it didn't matter if it was a single finger laid on top of him- the latter didn't seem to want it.

"Jisung.." Hyunjin starts, dragging his words out carefully and letting the concern in his voice be heard. Making the younger now shift his eyes around with worry like he had been caught doing a mistake.

"What is this?" his voice was stern and rigid, pushing for a direct answer. Having his own right to know why Jisung was trying to cover up a horrendous bruise.

Hyunjin didn't dare to overlook it so easily- not caring if it was 'just a bruise', not caring if it was solely a tiny result of a recent careless mishap; it didn't matter. He already knew inside that this wasn't the first time the younger had tried to hide away painful looking scars; constantly painting over the cuts that were scattered like boundless stars. Becoming too good at hiding the beat up lips that were cracked and split from bleeding dry with the mild black eyes and ugly swellings; almost like they were never there.

Hyunjin could always see past all of that.
He knew the latter's pain, wether Jisung wanted to admit it or not.

It was just the fact if he was ever going to open up about it.

"Did your father-" Hyunjin starts to follow out his theory.

"No, not at all," Jisung cuts him off, gulping up an excuse just to get the heat off of someone he loathed- only protecting him if it meant the younger would be well kept away from being abused repeatedly.

"I fell, that's all. I promise. When I washed up this morning, I slipped and hit my face on the sink. It was an accident.. it just hurts a lot," Jisung watches Hyunjin continue to stare at the wound. Hands hovering just a few centimeters over his skin and considering if he should try touching it once more.

Hyunjin pinches his lips together in response. Overthinking the answer and trying to decide if he was hurt enough to call Jisung out on the obvious lie; not understanding where in their friendship allowed them to hide things between each other.

But even so, he knew that if the younger was making this much of an attempt to hide something, there was a hell of a good reason why.

And he trusted Jisung.

He nods and curves up a smile to its usual bright position, his own hands keeping tucked under Jisung's chin and tracing around the area. Noting how the younger was partially shaking his leg with anxiety at feeling Hyunjin trace along the side of his face.

"Can I touch it?" Hyunjin whispers. Picking up how the latter swallows down in nervousness- a starstruck expression plastered on his face at watching their faces near closer per second.

Jisung nods with too much enthusiasm, his own hair bobbing around every single direction and nearly whacking Hyunjin in the process. "Yeah, of course. Just.. uhm, be care-"

"I'm always careful with you." Hyunjin mumbles out, slipping past the obvious fact that his voice had dropped below a hushed tone. Only worsening the struggle for the younger to keep his mouth wired shut against the stupid happy grin curving up; experiencing a compelling feeling he didn't want to shake off.

"Tell me when it starts to hurt," Hyunjin instructs. Authorized to assuredly plant down his finger to the very start of his bruise, a journey that he needed to take the greatest wariness to finalize.

He easily crawls his fingertip over, exploring where his boundaries were sewn all while being weightlessly free; resembling a single touch that only dealt with something absolutely priceless. Which was exactly what the younger meant in Hyunjin's own pupils.

Jisung suddenly shifts around uncomfortably, feeling Hyunjin's bouncy fingertip press too hard on a sensitive edge, "There."

Hyunjin halts for a second, watching Jisung's face wrinkle and become decorated with a frown turned up onto his lips- a troubled appearance that was trying its best to not express his pain.

Hyunjin sighs gently, unamused at watching the miserable bruise find its home nestled deep in his cheek- mocking the younger with a highlight stuck out for show.

Fuck, he hated this.
Hyunjin never wanted to see such a terrible thing again.

In fact, he would kill to have the slimmest glimpse of the younger's smile; knowing it would and could end all the heavy torment hovering around them.

He desperately needed and wanted to see the beam that made the sun look bad. The distinctive one that held the bright dazzling teeth with the pupils that hid behind his scrunched up eyelids filled in delight; craving to hear the little contagious laugh that regularly followed after.

He never wanted to set eyes on the light purple and green colored wound again- instead much more preferring to gaze after the small chocolate chip mole that joyfully rested on his heavenly soft cheek.

He didn't want to see the cruel red marks dispersed and hidden around his upper collarbone- but rather admire his extraordinary heart shaped Adam's apple.

He didn't want to pay attention to all the healing cuts dotting all over his knuckles- but wished to alternatively hold his hand and kiss away each single pain inflected on him.

Hyunjin didn't want any sort of hurt.
He only wanted Jisung to be safe and happy.

Safe and happy with him; together.

The elder's relaxes his hands back down to cup Jisung's squishy cheeks, enjoying the touch of how doughy and bouncy they felt against his own gentle fingers, and shallowly starts to knead and massage through them without awareness.

"I'm sorry," Hyunjin says tenderly, wishing he could persuade all the agony to take him instead.

Jisung shakes his head, dismissing the apology and forcing himself to remain off the fact that Hyunjin's fingers were connecting to all his unknown sweet spots- being unhelpful to his flustered stomach overflowing with jitters.

He heaves out just barley and it allows him to soak up and absorb Hyunjin's warmth for safekeeping, "Don't be. It's just.. very sensitive. Give it some time and then you can touch it again, if you want."

Hyunjin nods as their pupils find one another, locking together like identical twinkling dark brown pools swimming with trust- holding so much feelings and emotions it was almost dizzying to gaze at. Being infected with an captivating feeling that persuaded the two to stay staring in the depths of their glossy eyes forever.

A smile cracks out of Hyunjin, taking great joy out of Jisung's squishy face, and slowly guides the younger's head to turn graciously to one side. Exposing Jisung's jawline up in the light and making it harder for Hyunjin to shove down the yearning of fidgeting around with his cheeks more- only delivering additional ache to his poor bruise if he did so.

He leans in closer, getting his nose to touch the very beginning of Jisung's baby soft skin and inhale the sweet aroma remaining nostalgic to his nose- so familiar that Hyunjin knew this is where he belonged.

He tilts his own head elegantly to the side, hair crawling into the gaps between their faces that it tickles and delights both of them. Making the atmosphere nearly choke the two as they realize just how close they had become- noticing how time wasn't in their favor as it somehow seems to slow down to a crawl; watching happily as the seconds drag on.

It was if everything was transformed into slow motion- stacking up burning impatience that was enjoying their suffering- until Hyunjin successfully connects his lips softly to Jisung's bruise; kissing his cheek and trying to get rid of the mark that was demolishing the younger's perfection.

He can feel Jisung lighten up fully with a new sense of swarming electricity; inhaling the great joy that felt too good to even be real. Sinking into the feeling of how Hyunjin held his own unique and wonderful way to care his plump lips onto Jisung's own cheeks- like a puzzle that had found its missing piece to complete it.

The younger takes in the high feeling that resembled floating on top of the world; an emotion that one never wanted to loose in a lifetime.

It makes him feel like he finally mattered to someone. And could trust them with his whole life.

Jisung felt wrapped in a warm blanket from all the caring touch and spoiled contact- something he knew he could get used to.

He takes it in on how good it felt to be kissed.

Yes.

Han Jisung was just kissed by Hwang Hyunjin.

_

Home.
Time xx:xx.

_

"I'm done with this shit. I'm fucking done with all of your shit, Jisung. What in hell ever gave you the authority to take away all the struggle- all the pain, all the bribing and begging- all the fucking hard work we went into getting you to where you are now. To the best school, with the highest grades and nicest friends.

"You have family that love you, with such a good future ahead of you. Do you know many would pay just to be like you? And what.. you're going to throw all of it away. Because why? Because you are acting like a lunatic over a single fucking boy!!

"Do you know, young man, how much disgrace you are bringing to your family? Do you understand how disappointed we are? Asking ourselves why we had to be given you; a full pain in our ass? Asking ourselves what we fucking did to make you find men attractive?

"Can you even begin to think on how disgusting it is for us to process this? Do you understand that it is utterly disturbing and bothersome to know that my son finds his own sex attractive? Just why can't you be fucking normal for once?!"

It was torturous to hear those words, rolling off his own father's tongue without any practice.

Feeling like actual bullets were pierced into his chest, leaving him all alone to bleed out.

Hurting more than being stabbed straight in the stomach, traveling beyond than what the strongest knife could do.

It was more than a single few battle injuries left to stay enduringly.

It was worse.
Way worse.

"I'm.. sorry.." Jisung replies with an exhausted raspy voice- a single sigh that was worn out from trying to put up a fight. His own expression already holding the look of daydreaming about crawling back to a place where he could cry himself to sleep.

His father knots his face together tighter- getting clear thick creases of skin and layers of light sweat to appear on the under side of his chin; only adding to the infuriated attitude. Making everything about him become completely repulsive and hideous as a brutal sneer snakes around to the very corners of his lips- watching Jisung hold himself in such fear, like as if the younger had a clue of how impolite he appeared.

"'Sorry'? Really Jisung? You're fucking saying sorry right now? Sorry didn't cut it then, and it won't cut it now. I'm done with this. You're a fucking disgrace, you know that right? Or do I have to do something to remind you again?"

Jisung shakes his head hard, getting his tangled locks of hair to sweep around and hide away his crumpled up face, empathizing greatly that he wanted to have anything but what was arranged in stock for him.

The younger swallows down solidly, licking up the splintered lips and trying his best to prepare himself for the next fresh batch of bruises and blood. His eyes already squished and bunched up together in the strain of bracing against what was coming next- even if he was ready or not.

"You should support me.." he wheezes out- uninformed how his own voice danced in the atmosphere; dead and long gone from existence.

"What should I support you for, huh? Bringing down our family? Our reputation? Having backs turned on us? Should I support my son that is wasting and ruining my own fucking life?" the elder fires back immediately, like he was already thinking of all the ways Jisung didn't deserve any help whatsoever.

The younger stumbles over his miserable thoughts, unsure how he should respond. Hesitant after watching something unexpectedly backfire and explode right up in his personal space- embarrassed that he tried such an ignorant thing and wishing he could pretend like it never once happened.

Jisung keeps his gaze filtered back down onto the floor, trying to avoid the defeat of his father smirking down at him. Pleading for him to wrap it up so he could sneak back to Hyunjin's arms; the only ones he pictured himself living in endlessly.

"You better mark my words, Jisung," the sharpness of his father's sentence sends his wandering mind back into focus- away from hallucinating his escape and pulled back to evil reality.
A place that should be forbidden.

"I will kill that fucking crush of yours if I have to."

Jisung had never once looked up so fast- getting his own neck to nearly pop right off and roll away- at just how quickly he raises his eyes with such hate toward the man.

He took it way too far.

And now Jisung was pissed.

His own eyes were stinging with burning fury; a forest fire had now been sparked inside of him and wasn't going to be quieted down anytime soon.

He was fed up enough with his father's shit. And now he was finally going to do something.

Even it killed him or not.

He was challenging the elder to a full on battle- which was a mistake too early to notice.

But he couldn't care less.

Jisung lowers his eyelids to glare hard, looking past the disorganized bangs flooding his vision, and starts to fully clench his body until he was practically trembling from bone to bone. Allowing him to show off the pure daggers secured in his pupils and daring only the bravest to look his way- displaying how equipped he was to finally pay back all the karma well deserved.

It was an ultimate threat, yet his father rocks back on his heels like he expected it- not being thrown off track in the least possible. Popping his mouth back open effortlessly as if none of this bothered him.

"He doesn't even like you regardless.." his father starts. "I mean.. think about it. Has he ever confessed? Has he ever left little immature hints? Has he done any of that stuff you do when you are.. 'in love', hm?"

Jisung thinks without thought, firing back his answer without hesitance, "He kissed me."

"On the fucking cheek. Get over yourself Jisung. A single kiss on the cheek doesn't mean he is in love with you. Doesn't mean you wants to fulfill what your hormonal ass desires.

"Think about it, Jisung. Use your brain for once and tell me. Tell me if you ever see a future with him. Not where it's you who is only joyous, but him too? Do you see yourself creating a life that could get you far? Do you see the both of you, happy and healthy, and never ever getting second glances?

"Do you think you both can walk down streets holding hands without being judged? Can you picture yourselves stepping out into the sunlight without being whispered about? Or will you both always have to live in the shadows? Think about that Jisung.

"I'm trying to help you understand that you still don't know what you really want, you're still fucking growing up. You won't ever be able to handle that much stress. Both of you would never be able to keep a relationship which such overwhelming anguish.

"And that's my fucking point. It'll be miserable. Both of you will be down right miserable.

"Matter of fact, it's already so clear to watch him be inflicted with such disappointment.

"You will be the one that would make him stressed and full of sorrow.

"It'll be you who would trouble the poor man into a dilemma.

"You will make him want to kill himself.

"Which is something I wish you would've already done."

Jisung couldn't believe it. Chilled with surprise and frozen in shock.

His jaw had unconsciously fallen open in the struggle to process all the information- witnessing and showing how the most insane piece of history had sunk in without warning.

It felt worse than all the abuse and torment he went though- from the slaps across his face to the hits and kicks puncturing past his broken ribs- it didn't compare to it.

This was a complete different one; unique with how curved and sharpened it felt with words. Being purposely directed right to his breakable heart.

It does no good to make him feel all weak inside. Noticing how the tears bubbling around the surface had now exploded in each and every direction; exposing his vulnerability.

But what hurt more was the fact that it was true.

It was accurate that his future was never going to be lived happily with Hyunjin.

It was correct that they weren't meant for each other.

It was right that Jisung should've already killed himself. Knowing deep down inside that he only brought misery to all those around him just by staying alive.

It was blunt to the point that he wasn't ever going to worth something valuable to anyone; clueless as to why he had to suffer here in the first place.

It was true.

All of it.

All of it was fucking true.

Jisung tries to stifle a sniffle, feeling warmth stuff him up from head to toe with such an uncomfortable itch- like he had just been shoved into a deadly hot summer day.

He feels his own throat close as he still tries to swallow down, sounding out of place from taking in deep breaths with the attempt to not appear like he was hyperventilating to his own death.

He wanted to stay strong despite the great need to collapse and break down beyond the edge of life.

He wanted to show that none of this was eating him from the inside- unwilling to let out a slice of exposure.

He wanted to pretend like he knew any of this wasn't true; wishing to stay grounded on his feet.

But no.
No matter how much Jisung needed to stay strong, how much he needed to remain alive for just a second more, to simply forget about the words killing his soul. No matter all of that- the younger still needed to leave.

To rush out of into the biting cold night air and escape from all of it.

To never return back to the place that caused so much unbearable pain.

To dip out of existence and take a breather.

To forget all of it and pray things would fall back to how they were promised to him.

He needed to forget how his father treated him.

To stop the thoughts killing his brain.

To finish off that pity, dread, and miserableness hanging over the top of his head.

Yes, he wanted to end it all.

He needed to end it all.

And he was determined to do so.

Jisung just needed to end himself first.

_

Police Station.
xx days later.
03:20 in the afternoon.

_

"This session is now being listened to. The conversation will be later reviewed and used for further investigation provided in the future. You will not interfere with any misleading information and speak only of what you know and have been told. Do you understand?"

The officer keeps his bored attention stationed to the latter sitting right across from him- eyebrows knitted up in somewhat interest at finding the man be unable to control his bouncy legs vibrating the table; timid as they come.

An amused glint of a smile borders to their lips at finding how horrified and petrified the younger looked. Knowing well the common look of scrambling around for an answer as to figure out what they did wrong- interrogating and questioning if the outcome of jail was only heartbeats away.

The officer motions up a hand to the man stalling, nodding his head wearily and slurring together his jumbled words, "Say you comprehend, please."

The latter's eyes widen at realizing how fazed and frozen his innocent mind had become- already being looked down on with disgrace at forgetting such an easy task to complete. Scolding himself that if he was going to act this dumbfounded he needed to at least pretend like he knew what he was doing.

He shifts around in the uncomfortable seat that had aggregated his numbed butt and clears away the cracked vocal chords- catching the worse before they could deafen anyone.

The latter offers a small smile to pass around while making sure that his answer was crisply on point for them to hear, "Yessir."

The officer nods firmly to the response, turning back to the notes that had been scribbled with urgency and proceeds to continue the interview- leaving the latter to look around with nothing better but study the only other face intensely concentrated on the pieces of paper.

He tries to not make it look obvious of how intrigued and occupied he was focused over every aspect one could catch on to. Finding great occupation to his jittery mind as he curiously darts around each direction before planting his eyes to study the bead of sweat that had gathered above the man's upper lip. Showing that even the officer himself- despite the countless of times of dealing with similar things- was somewhat nervous to be here.

Or he was either too hot from being shoved into the uniform- one that was evidently showing off his round jolly belly. Suffocating his own rolled up neck oozing over the tight collar and visibly exposing his clear double chin; a handmade inflatable life jacket choking him.

"Please state your full name, birthdate, and relationship," the officer grunts out, getting a noticeable piece of spit to go swirling out and splatter down on his messy handwritten notes.

The latter nods, hurriedly darting away from the officer's eyes that had trailed up to see if anyone had caught the embarrassment, and pulls his body to straighten himself back up with proper posture; being the perfect man anybody knew him for.

"My name is Hwang Hyunjin. I am was born in March of 1900. And I am currently single."

The officer shakes his head at the last part, shooting up a chubby finger in the air and flopping it around lazily as he recorrects the baffled one, "I'm speaking about your relationship with him."

Hyunjin sighs, taking off a slight inch or two from sitting up firmly, "I'm afraid I can't answer that, sir."

"And why not?" The officer asks with impatience; locking gazes with the latter to understand the setback in his pathway.

Hyunjin holds back the pure itching urge to roll his eyes in disgust- wanting to show the opposing stare that they didn't know better; that they were full of shit. Even if they didn't know it.

He controls the desire to scoff and rage at how poorly the officer's job was done- being a pathetic loser at treating someone with such missed respect. Remembering from only seconds ago how he was practically dragged here against his consent and had no clue as to why; even though he was the one getting interviewed.

"I don't know who you are talking about," Hyunjin shrugs instead; glad to see the officer drown in annoyance- delicious to taste the craved payback.

The man sighs deeper into his seat, doing an unfavorable deal of making himself appear fatter and less attractive to judging eyes, "Please inform us of your relationship with Han Jisung."

Hyunjin's eyes widen, confused that a name fulfilled with such vibrant life was brought up in a place this dull- thoughts spinning around at all the endless ideas of what could involve his loved one.

He tries to disguise the sudden spark of interest and nods with certainty, returning back with better attention since the subject was brought up, "We're soulmates."

The officer raises his eyebrows with a quarter of curiosity and half disapproval- just like he knew such a young man would say something that naïve out loud. Forcing him to scrunch up the face and squint down his eyelids at poorly hiding away the yearn for having a relationship well built like that; obvious to see that they never turned out to his favor.

Hyunjin catches on in a blink, smirking softly at yet another person endlessly envying them; knowing their gift was rare, "I can't reveal how our relationship seemed to others.. or even what the future was going to hold for us. But he is my soulmate and I am his. That will never change."

"You were his soulmate," the officer grumbles under his breath- not trying to maintain quietness whatsoever.

"I beg your pardon?" Hyunjin jumps right back in, "'Were'? As in.. past tense?"

He dares the man to say it again, centering the attention back to the officer that was pissing him off the more they were forced to stare at each other- the jumbled up nerves about to burst in mere seconds.

"Hwang Hyunjin, where exactly were you two nights ago?"

"I'm afraid you will have to answer my question first before I proceed."

The officer darts his eyes up to the ones that were demanding an answer, stealing and swiping away the spotlight in just one intimidating look- passing down the crown for someone that had barley arrived; acting like he owned the place.

"Tell me why you said 'were'."

"Hwang Hyunjin, are you unaware of Han Jisung's death that had occurred two nights ago. Yes or no?"

Silence sickens the air; infectious and poisonous to anyone who was daring to breath.

It had frozen even the most tiniest pieces of dust sailing around- being extremely fragile that if a single pin dropped it would make an ear piercing scream.

It had transformed into something so disturbingly quiet that they could feel their own thoughts vibrating and buzzing inside the occupied brains.

Everything had just stopped.
Completely ceased without warning.

Hyunjin couldn't believe it.
He could never, in his whole lifetime, imagine such a forbidden sentence be slurred together carelessly. Much rather preferring to jump off a cliff than be told those words by a total stranger; almost seeming unreal and fake to fully register.

"Come again..?"

"Hwang Hyunjin, have you any clue to Jisung's absence the night prior to when he killed himself?"

"He-He.. what? Killed himself?" Hyunjin swallows down his loud heaving that had steadily climbed up without him knowing. Now full on gasping for air like he had just been shoved underwater for a record breaking time- gulping down all the oxygen his shrinking lungs would allow.

"Hwang Hyunjin, did you have any influence or participation in Han Jisung's death?"

Hyunjin shakes his head on behalf of the question, his brain doing no help by making the man look even more distraught and shattered. The latter's very own eyes becoming hugely wide and tilted to an odd angle in such bewilderment; darting around like everything only appeared a lie to him.

"Let me ask you again, Hwang Hyunjin. Did you have any effect to Han Jisung's death on March 25th, 1922; two nights ago. Yes or no?"

Hyunjin swallows down, his tongue feeling like rough sandpaper was scratching and scuffing all of his throat- turning it into a raw texture and unsettling red color. Just proving how much strain and tightness was already clenched to every muscle; undertaking the job of holding in the cries sobs pleading to be kept out of the light.

"Why-Why.. why would I ever.." he couldn't do it- he couldn't possibly wrap his mind around the fact entirely.

He was left dazed from was being accused of something this insane; that he had somehow influenced the death of someone who was his own admired and loved soulmate. Still dwelling over the fact that he had completely missed all the signs stacking up to the catastrophe.

He purely hated it.

He hated every piece of this.

He despised on how he wasn't informed about Jisung's death until now. Just barley being told that the little ray of sunshine recently snuggled up in Hyunjin's own inviting arms simply a few nights ago was now gone.

He hated himself for failing to take better care of the younger; wanting to have protected and sheltered Jisung against all signs of evil. Owning the power to prevent such things though didn't know of it.

All of it makes him wish that he didn't wait for as long he did- putting such an everlasting delay to the start of the beautiful future waiting for them to enjoy and splurge in together.

He loathed himself at how much time he wasted to ultimately confess; expose all of his heart and hopefully never have any regrets afterwards.

And now it was too late to do any of it.

Han Jisung was gone and there was nothing he could do about it.

He had missed his only chance.

"Let me ask you once more. Were you or were you not in any way enforcing the death of Han Jisung in Mar-"

"What makes you think I did it?" Hyunjin snaps back quickly- refusing to believe that the one person who actually gave him a genuine reason to live for was the exact same one now pronounced deceased from two whole fucking nights ago.

"Hwang Hyunjin, do you have any awareness about the note left on the body of Han Jisung after being found?"

The followed up question gets Hyunjin to push out a provoked scowl. Wrinkling up his whole face together in deep anger and irritation, looking unintentionally crazed while doing so, though it luckily does the job of forcing the police officer to stop using such pale formalness. Finally taking the hint to switch back and talk like an average person; understanding in a heartbeat that he had crossed over the line.

The man clears their throat, now pulling up a finger to retrieve the small piece of paper that had been tucked away in the boring notebook. Flipping it out of place with a brief struggle from his sweaty fingertips- watching it skid around like a slippery fish- before they both watch it take an elegant fall onto the table.

"This is the note we found on his body. It's addressed directly to you.. so that's why police called you in. We've already read it through a handful of times.. but, uh.. we still can't exactly pinpoint what it means.

"Investigators say that it was an off-leading clue, like a love affair or something like that, that persuaded his death. They.. uhm.." the police officer trails off, seeming to rethink everything through just in case he screwed it up, "Well, I guess it's personal to everyone on what they think about the note, though the only one who could make sense of it would probably be you."

Hyunjin nods half heartedly, eyes trained so well on how small the crinkled up piece of paper was laying on the bored table. Feeling the need to pick it up himself and smooth it out; hating how carelessly the officer had treated the object to fall down like that- having no clue that this was the last thing between the strongest soulmates in the world.

Hyunjin holds out his hand; practically begging to read and study it for himself. Waiting around uneasily with observant eyes until the officer obeys and recklessly puts the paper in his demanding palms.

He feels how it sinks hollowly into his hand with such an empty feeling; the opposite compared to the heavy emotions that were no doubt contained inside. Instantly being able to sense how it was overflowing with such visible emotion- promising to cherish to the end of time.

But even so, Hyunjin didn't want to open it.

He was too afraid to accept it.

He didn't want to expose the words to his eyes; knowing it would truthfully declare Jisung's death as painful reality once it had been read through.

It felt that Jisung would be erased from existence itself after accepting the words that were poured into this cruel shit of paper only for Hyunjin to read.

And he didn't want to ever let go; feeling that he was doing so by opening up the treasure.
Like he was finally and permanently saying goodbye from the one person he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with.

But he needed to do it.
Knowing that if Jisung was going to leave anything behind, anything at all, then it was going to hold something special to the both of them until the end of time.

Hyunjin reassures himself that this wasn't the end; swearing to himself that he will never forget nor let go of the man that was the light of his life.

He grasps onto that comfort as he slowly begins to un-piece the first fold of the letter with trembling hands. Listening carefully as the paper erupts out a soft crumble from being previously handled without any protection.

He unfolds it with such soft care that it didn't even seem humanly possible. Already catching sight of Jisung's unique handwriting and now letting it sink in that this would be the first and very last time he would ever receive such meaningful words directed to him personally.

It allows Hyunjin to slow down from eagerly awaiting the message. Filtering himself with a little more hesitance; taking his time like it he had some to spare. Needing to absorb and cherish every single second provided to keep him going strong until his mind and body decided to collapse against him.

The note falls better into his hands, filling in the spaces of each finger and connecting them together- as if the younger had chosen this certain piece of paper just to fit the exact same size of Hyunjin's unique hands.

The small encrypted scribbles finally float their way up to Hyunjin's already blurred vision, letting him smile solemnly at the handwriting he was to admire even more. Ultimately understanding now why they say to never take the smallest things for granted; un-promised as to when you will be able to see them again.

He lowers his chin to get a better look, shifting the note up higher to eyes and sucking in all the words in one whiff. Scrolling through each of them precisely and with so much care his own brain was going to explode at how concentrated he was.

He could already sense the tears rising up, feeling it in the way his own throat was once more closing and making it harder for him to normally breath- incapable to handle raw emotions that could possibly give him long term side effects.

But it doesn't stop him from reading it.
Continuing along with the body that was uncontrollably shaking, with the trembling and cutoff inhales that were weakening his perfectly built imagine- but he couldn't care less now.

He reads in from start until finish. Blinking in the black ink and capturing every detail like a camera- wishing he could hold this moment between him and his life for the rest of eternity.

He reads it knowing that his soulmate wrote it.
For him solely.

That this was only between the two; more precious than locked away secrecy.

He could feel the conveyed emotion being brushed on him even though they weren't living the same current life anymore- already awaiting the moment when they could share those touches once again.

He knew without doubt that they held an unbreakable power that would keep them connected in another world, at another time, in a completely changed situation.

They were soulmates in simple terms.

And were to no doubt meet in the next life.

- final end -

•••••

Chapter Text

"Oh my god... it's snowing!!"

The most softest voice spills out into the air, evaporating like a tiny crisp and stinging ears that were sensitive to such a relaxing tone; being a sound that instantly captures their scattered focus in seconds- cheerfully rushing around to greet those who dared to listen.

It causes a small ripple of disturbance among the atmosphere, though immediately sparks something new inside of those who had carefully listened and inhaled those warming words; absorbing them in the fact of how the specific tone and timbre fill up everything with a soft elegance and radiant life.

It makes a sort of happy vibrant flare and flicker within- as if they were little children who had caught a rare sight of glittering candy. Getting all their attention to suddenly and abruptly perk up at hearing the electrifying voice bounce into the atmosphere; noticing how it filled and enlightened everything with such a dazzling tone.

Within seconds, every single thing that they were occupied with beforehand: from blankly staring at screens that bored their brains, to conversations that were no more than a small misty breeze passing by, and even small abrupt shades of laughter that popped out every so often- all of it was simply disregard, entirely forgetting, by those few simple words.

It was like magic- enwrapping everything around it in a sort of soothing comfort that livened them up with a better sense of security; like a treat that came every once in a while- finally poking out for show after a long wait.

"No way," Chan gently mumbles out, briskly standing up with excitement filtering throughout his bones; buzzing in bouncing eagerness.

His eyes wander over to the window- bliss spread into every single inch of his face, exhilaration flooding into each muscle and bone; getting him to stumble over his feet as the euphoria overtakes his footsteps. Rapidly wobbling and tumbling a trail to the voice that announced the news- one that he nearly shoved to the ground and away from the windowsill once he arrived; claiming a squished spot.

"Let me see," Chan says, pushing against Hyunjin's shoulders in order to make room for himself.

The duo both turn to stare outside the window- utter awe instantly smearing on their faces, pure amazement sticking to their glimmering pupils, making them transform into statues from being engrossed. They fully take their time to blink in the sight of the little snowflakes that swirled down; entirely adoring and enjoying the feeling of being locked away in a magical snow globe- so enchanting it was altogether indescribable.

Chan's jaw gently drops, in love with the whole entire sight of watching how the snow had piled a thin blanket against the isolated sidewalks and deserted roads- like it was painted in creamy frosting, "It's so pretty," he gently whispers.

"I wanna see!!" Jeongin abruptly yells, being the next one who springs out of his comfortable seat. Quickly making an escape from the thousands of blankets that previously smothered and strangled him- now running to be next to the two with a sort of eagerness and anticipation flooding his body; excited to finally have the extraordinary sight submerged within his own eyes.

As the rest hear how Jeongin's feet hit the ground- in just that mere breath- it somehow declares a full blown race among the others; the sudden energy flooding into all of their veins like they were connected. Getting those who were previously watching from afar, to now fumble over the slumped blankets and smushed pillows laying on the ground; tripping and tiptoeing over them hurriedly like they were running through a minefield.

They all chase after last-minute spots located at the window; craving and selfishly wanting front row seats for themselves as they watch Jeongin easily secure a squished space next to Hyunjin. Already knowing it was something important to win as they observe how the younger has to impatiently look over Hyunjin's shoulders and nudge his elbows into the elder's- forced to tilt all up on his toes and lean over until the glass is cutely pressed to the tip of his nose; looking like a toddler.

Jeongin's face fills up with wonderment, "It's beautiful," he says in a hushed tone, absorbing all his curious pupils could take in.

"Move!! It's my turn," Jisung blurts out, not even slightly hesitating to push and shove his own way further into Jeongin- uncaring as to how the younger struggles underneath his grip; determined to get a single glimpse of the beautiful view by jumping straight onto his back.

"Woah.." Jisung says softly- inhaling the shimmering white snow; letting it reflect in his eyes, making stars and galaxies be painted inside.

Seungmin quickly arrives at the younger's side next- failing to control his wheezes and gasps that loudly erupt, ones that unknowingly irritate the ears of the others around him- before he crawls straight underneath Jeongin. Not even hesitating to pursue the rude interruption as he twists his own little way in, sucking and slipping his body into the tight area, until he successfully crams in between the latter's arms and the windowsill; achieving the most perfect position.

Jeongin slightly recoils as Seungmin's head pops up to destroy his concentrated stare on the falling sprinkles of snow- making him push in a joking frown as he watches how the elder takes his own solitary opportunity to gaze at the beautiful and priceless snowflakes; stealing away Jeongin's peaceful privacy for a long second.

Seungmin gently sighs- feeling an undeniable sort of luxury, "It's breathtaking."

Jeongin nods along, sinking further into Seungmin; allowing his body to relax and curve with the latter's as he lays his chin down on top of Seungmin's shoulders. Now squeezing and shoving back in his head once more to see the dazzling snow- a thing that no one could ever get sick of; having an everlasting affect that everyone would always come back to.

It settles down for a quick second, the three of them adjusting to their new home together; directly piled on each other that it was psychically hard to breathe or move whatsoever- but they felt undeniably and pleasantly snug.

It offers a brief moment of silence, letting the snowfall light and fill them up with an enjoyable sound, until another flutter of a voice pokes out; louder than a morning alarm.

They hear how Minho quietly whines from afar, exactly on the opposite side of the window from the bundled trio; successfully showing that he found a lone and unoccupied spot next to Chan, though he was already struggling to cram his way in, "I wanna see too.."

Chan let's a tinge of a smile stick to the corners of his lips; passing out the most lightest smirk- trying his best to hide away the amused giggles and snickers echoing underneath his breath- from just observing how Minho wobbles and sways on his toes that were failing to keep him still. The younger was trying his best to see what everyone else was drooling over; to fit into the puzzle- and it made him look so innocent and lovable in the elder's eyes.

Chan hurriedly steps back a few feet- allowing Minho more room and space after previously watching him fumble around cluelessly. Now gently leading the younger further into the suffocating chaos by racing up a soft hand to wrap around the bend of his elbow; shuffling him in closer to the rest- noticing how Minho relaxes against the touch.

Chan makes sure the younger had fully taken his place against the window, being as possibly close that anyone could get, before he permits himself to leans onto Minho- now being the one who shifts up on to his own feet and attempts to peer over all the heads bent together; looking past the tangled locks of hair to be greeted with the welcoming and refreshing scene once again. More alluring and charming each second they all continued to stare at it.

They had all successfully snuggled in- being so tight that personal space was no longer a thing; squeezed and pushed into every single crook and cranny that their bodies could fit into. From being pushed to the ice cold window centimeters away from their faces, to nearly piggybacking on top of others- all of them were staring with wide eyes; each and every single one gleaming with happiness. Enjoying the whole entire thing together.

They all looked wonderstruck- like they had never witnessed such a thing; something that was too unrealistic.

It itself was so touching, so amazing. One that left them baffled and dazed; entirely astonished.

It was purely beautiful.

"Guys.. come look!!" Hyunjin exclaims suddenly- his loud chirpy voice sucking back in those who were lost in their thoughts; whipping them away from the captivating and hypnotizing snow that one could stare at all day.

Quick sharp gazes turn around- pretending that they didn't just entirely and completely forget about the duo they had accidentally left behind. Making them glance behind their backs to catch sight of how they were both continuing to watch from their safe spots on the couch; left to just stare and observe from afar- somehow having a bizarre reason to not join in with the rest.

They find them boringly sitting there, with pillows in their laps and blank faces smeared onto their expressions, staring after the six who were all dog piled on top of each other; noticing how they had no place to properly breath, though still proudly showed it off like it was an accomplishment.

Changbin shifts unevenly, dodging and darting his eyes away from the sudden abruptness- purposely avoiding those who were observing his every move; not wishing to answer the question of why he didn't have the energy to cram his own spot into the crowd, why he didn't want to breathe down the necks of others.

Instead, pretending that he didn't care how the attention was nipping at him, he stumbles and saunters his focus around. Taking his time to look past the deserted couches and the empty cushions- erased from any sort of life- until they land onto the other person sitting across from him; like he was the one that would answer for both of them. Somehow hoping that once he could examine the latter's reaction, it would tell him if they could either join the rest or stay molded to the couch.

He briefly inhales what he could in a quick second: from the specific way as to how the latter's was body was lazily slouched, to the beat of watching his fingers fidget with the edges of a pillow. He notices the stiffness in his crossed legs, the crooked and wrinkly shirt bunched around his stomach, and even the hair that somehow looked charming even though it was sticking up in different places- knowing that despite how many times Changbin looked at him, he was still the same exact person.

Changbin didn't know how deeply immersed he was drowning in all of that; needing to permanently tattoo each single thing into his brain for him to keep for later- needing more time to take in the dusted freckles gleefully dotted along his cheeks, to remember the sharp keen jawline, to cherish the bouncy and bright aura he always held.

He had accidentally gotten lost in such a priceless thing- stuck in his poisonous thoughts, fixed in his brain feeding him delusions- that once he finally and fully lifts up his gaze to look into the eyes of the younger, he freezes right into place; unable to move whatsoever.

Because never- never would he be the slightest prepared; be the slimmest amount of ready.

Never would he ever expect this in a million years.

Never would he be able to handle the surprise of being immediately greeted with eyes that were so engrossed, so attentive.

That while Changbin was just barely gliding over everything to see him- a small curious gaze was already looking back at him.

Felix was staring right at him; straight into Changbin's eyes like nothing else mattered.

He looked at the elder like was the only thing in the room; intensely, yet lovingly, examining everything about Changbin that he could.

He was inhaling every single characteristic; studying and inspecting all his little eyes managed to hold that it leaves Changbin to be visibly flustered and nervous- affecting him to further sink into the cushions and glue himself to the couch like he was a decorative pillow.

He couldn't move if he dared to try; not even the tiniest inch. Leaving him to solely shift his pupils back and forth between the younger's eyes- hoping it would let him disregard how his own heart was pounding so loudly against his rib cage, or even how his breath was caught silently in his throat.

They blink- keeping their stares locked with everything they had- noticing how Felix's eyes had suddenly widened; erasing the chance to ever understand the secret message encrypted behind them. Showing that he was completely thrown off guard from being caught red handed- practically shoved out into the broad daylight from the sudden interruption.

Changbin watches how Felix clears his throat uncomfortably, hoping to clear up and forget the clear moment of awkward silence, before turning around to face the others; praying they weren't already gaping at the scene.

"I.. uhm-" Felix starts, though is instantaneously cut off.

"Guys!! We should go play in the snow!!" Jeongin gleefully announces.

Another spark shoots up in between the crowded six; utterly forgetting about the sight outside the window that they previously called beautiful and beyond priceless, replaced within seconds with a better and more appealing idea.

It rapidly turns into a chaotic mess; all them now suddenly bursting with new energy. Already scrambling over each other, tripping and nearly falling over countless of times, slipping and drunkly running, as they all race excitedly towards the door- easily breezing past everything; like this was their only chance to ever go out into the snow.

Their feet loudly and enthusiastically pound against the floor; rushing and following each other on their heels- that if someone even slowed down in the slightest, they would all go tumbling to the ground.

Jisung reaches the door first- hurriedly twisting the knob and swinging it wide open in seconds; sprinting out into the hallway so fast that it was almost humanly impossible.

"Wait!! What about coats and shoes and-" Chan begins to protest; worrying sick like a mother- already thinking the worst even though their final destination was still awaiting their arrival.

Jeongin is the first to grab his shoulders, spinning him back around from being previously stalled in the middle of the door- getting the younger to impatiently tug on his wrist, dragging him into the hallway and not letting him hesitate any longer.

"It doesn't matter, let's gooo.." Jeongin playfully nags him, making sure they weren't left behind; that Chan's concern wouldn't slow them down.

They all steadily file out, leaving one by one- with Chan's whining and grumbling slowly fading into the hallway- and the loud pitter patter of their feet now slowly subsiding; everyone making a hustle to be apart of the dreamlike reality in just a few seconds.

The room rapidly empties out into quietness, anything that was mildly important left to be forgotten and abandoned- too occupied with their pumped up energy and fueled power; letting the once buzzing place to now feel oddly isolated.

It had been shaped into a sort of blank atmosphere- all of them so used to the loud and chaos of others that this was now utterly uncomfortable. Acting like a deafening thing that somehow punishes those still lingering by.

"Are you guys coming?"

A sudden voice pops out; deceiving them of the torturing silence as a question lightly glides in. Hearing a little warm flicker of sleepy vocal chords flood the room- so elegant and practiced.

Minho was the single soul who had stopped in the middle of the door frame- the only one who seemed to notice that there were still two that hadn't risked to move from their new homes, curious as to why they hadn't joined the rest; stuck and looking after everyone with expressionless and empty faces.

He was fully facing them with a stiff body, kindly awaiting an answer- studying as to how Felix and Changbin were oddly watching them all depart; nothing but a blank sunken look sketched over their faces- the two seeming more preoccupied on something else.

Changbin races his eyes up, tracing around to the voice that dared to interrupt his thoughts; scaring him in the lightest, "Oh, uhm.." he throws up a tiny smile, "I'll.. I'll stay back and clean up," he kindly answers, already having an excuse in the back of his throat. Pushing in a firm cheeky grin as he motions to the coffee table that was littered with thousands of half finished plates and sticky drinks; abandoned after Hyunjin had lured them all to the window.

Minho glances to the table and blinks for a solid second before traveling over to Felix, "And you?"

Felix clears his throats and shifts in his seat, him too seeming like he was lost in deep concentration, "I'll come out in a second. Just.. let me get my shoes."

Minho nods, passing along a charming smile before he backs into the doorway- taking them in once more; almost like he knew something they both didn't, "Okay then."

They both watch how Minho tenderly steps into the hall, now disregarding whatever sort of unanswered questions stood awkwardly as he slips past the door and hurries after the others with his own thumping steps; leaving behind the duo that was once again shoved back into unpleasant silence.

It felt as if something was lingering in the air- desperately calling out for the utmost attention; screaming and crying, though they utterly avoided and entirely ignored; both of them unintentionally pretending that everything was perfectly normal. That nothing was nagging them.

Changbin bites down on his lip and twists his head over to Felix- instantly disobeying his thoughts that yelled at him to not dare to look over; unable to have any restraint or willpower whatsoever as his curiosity gets the best of him.

He watches how the younger seems to sense a new pair of eyes being set on him; forcing the latter to pull away from staring intensely at the door and race around to meet Changbin- face now perked up like he had just been called.

They look at each other- inspecting all that they could; peering so sternly that it made Changbin once again feel like his bones had transformed into something that was too heavy to move, making his muscles permanently cemented.

Changbin gazes right into Felix- hating how it looked like the younger was hiding something. Strictly noticing it in the way his jaw was tensed up and how his pupils were darting around mischievously- taunting Changbin to try and guess what sort of blackmail he held; as if he had something he badly needed to say.

It makes him deeply worry- face filling up with anxiety and fear; already expecting the worse.

There was no way he knew.

No fucking way.

Changbin had been so cautious- knowing for a fact that no one else was there; that he was the only one there in the isolated hallway.

He knew that he would've seen someone if they were there.

He knew that he would've sensed if someone was watching him.

He knew that.

Changbin blinks, clearing his scattered thoughts that were nagging and angering him; despising how he didn't have a solid enough answer to fully satisfy him.

He passes a polite smile to Felix still watching him, dismissing whatever eternal staring contest that they were challenging each other to; feeling like it lasted pure hours, even if it was only mere milliseconds.

Changbin begins to quietly scoot to the edge of the couch, being the first one who risked moving- disturbing whatever sort of mild peace that was beginning to build; declaring all attention to be planted onto the elder, creating an ear-splitting sound to comb through the air even though it was so light.

Changbin could feel how Felix was still burning holes into his skin, forcing him to rush forward and hurriedly stack up all the silverware that he could, shoving and cramming everything into the depths of his fingers. Getting forks to stick up in one hand, as plates and cups glue to the other; taking in all that was possible.

He tries his best to gather and steady everything out before he stands up- now more focused onto getting cleaned up as he wobbles over to the kitchen counter. Needing to fully discard and throw out what he was overthinking; wishing he never even visited the absurd thought in the first place.

Changbin exhales loudly as he messily rocks over to the sink- setting down the cups and silverware with a disturbingly loud clatter, already becoming fully concentrated on the dishes like they were the most fascinating thing he had ever seen. Mindlessly staring at them with harsh focus as he begins to rinse out all the treasures he had locked in his hands- nothing but an empty brain knocking against his skull.

His fingers travel over the scattered cups and cutlery- already doing a poor job of cleaning them out thoroughly; acting like he totally wasn't leaving them to be half washed and still contaminated of small crumbs piling up.

Changbin seemed to be the least concerned about his chore- less preoccupied on how the water was splashing all over the place, and more distracted by what his mind was tormenting him with; powerless to control it in the slightest.

His eyebrows unconsciously furrow together, heedlessly starting to scrub harder out of frustration, as he tells himself over and over what he wanted to hear.

There's no way.

There's just no way.

Felix didn't know.

He didn't.

He didn't have a single clue; not at all.

He made sure of it.

He was certain.

He was just going crazy.

That was it.

That was it entirely.

That was-

"Holy fuckity shit."

Changbin jumps; utterly scared.

The elder snaps out of his mind- ripping away from the things that were relentlessly deceiving him- and twirls around to face the sudden shadow that crawled over his shoulder.

His eyes widen hugely from the sudden shock- getting him to race up a soaked hand to instantly clutch his chest; feeling how his heart was beating and pounding loudly- nearly giving the poor man a heart attack.

Changbin pants for a harsh second- swallowing down all the air that he could devour; slowly choking on what he stuffs down his throat while taking in a brief second to fully recollect himself. Now letting his pupils inhale and comprehend what was looming over him like a cloud.

The elder exhales a shaky breath and let's a flat laugh roll off his tongue, "Sorry.. you scared me."

Felix blinks and nods, nervously pinching his lips together for a moment before he gently sets down the handful of left behind drinks and silverware into the sink; immediately getting the elder catch onto how the younger seemed out of himself; knowing well that Felix would be the first to instantly rush into an apology and make sure the other was okay- but as there was no fumbled 'sorry', no flushed cheeks, no embarrassing stutters, it was quite evident that there was something troubling him.

Changbin licks his lips apprehensively and turns back around- watching with weary eyes at how Felix carefully scoots the dishes into the little formed pile; permitting Changbin to keep on sponging and washing like nothing ever happened.

It falls back to intolerable silence- which felt so odd between the two; forgetting how they used to always had something to talk about. Like whatever sort of bond and connection they had suddenly disappeared, and without a trail to ever get it back.

Changbin sniffs and continues on like a machine- cleaning fork after fork, glass after glass- being so dedicated to his task even despite how his heart was still beating thunderously on his rib cage.

He tries to get himself to relax after the jump scare, tipping his head forward and burying his tired chin into the depths of his torso, when he suddenly catches sight of how Felix's hand was still looming inside the sink. Noticing how it was like he stuck and hesitating- still crowding over Changbin. Observing how he had only taken a few steps back and recoiled the tiniest bit until his body seemed to tell him to stop.

It sparks sudden curiosity and interest in the elder, almost getting him to turn back around to Felix and see what the deal was before the most tendered voice rings out.

"Changbin?"

Changbin glances over his shoulder, connecting his pupils to the younger's that looked overfilled with a complicated emotion, "Yeah?"

The elder halts for another second- watching how Felix's face seemed to be figuring out what to say next, knowing that there was something heavy that the younger needed to express- something that had to be worded right, that had to be said in the right exact way and tone.

It goes back to silence, only the rush of the water accompanying their ears- having both of them try and play along like there was nothing weighing down on their shoulders; even if they could clearly hear the sound of Felix's thoughts twisting and churning around- louder than the sputtering of the faucet.

Changbin swallows, letting Felix take his own time to process what he wanted to say, though couldn't help but feel as if each ticking second was slowly killing him- leaving the elder to wait around with nothing better but to stare; curiosity plastered to the very edges of his face.

He tries everything in his ability to empty out his mind, to not think about anything as the time rolled by, to relax the muscles that were tense from feeling the younger's warmth still lingering- forcing himself to act like there wasn't a single thought fluttering through his brain.

He tries his hardest to play dumb.

To pretend that everything was normal.

To stand like he didn't have a secret tucked away.

He hopes and tries his very best to trick himself into those thoughts- not knowing that as he did, it stupidly left him to be so vulnerable and exposed.

That while Changbin was lost in a web of lies he had caved himself into, it leaves him to be unprepared for when Felix finally opens his mouth; the words hitting him like bullets.

"I saw you."

Changbin freezes.

Fuck.

No, no, no.

This can't be real.

He was kidding.

Surely he meant something else.

Felix had to be talking about something different.

Of course he is.

He had to.

Changbin is just simply overreacting.

Deep breaths, Changbin. Deep breaths.

"You saw me?"

The elder slightly scrunches up his face at how his voice sounded; so fake and flat- technically exposing his poor acting in mere seconds.

Felix fully pulls his hand away from being halfway in the sink- getting Changbin to longingly stare after it; like he didn't want the younger's elegant fingers to retreat- before lightly nodding, "I saw what you did that day."

Changbin's face rapidly heats up, making it nearly impossible to ever face the younger now- not daring to expose the truth he was failing to hide, "What I did?"

Felix gently heaves, catching onto how Changbin was trying to act lost- though seemed to somehow play around with it, "Y'know.. two days ago with the.."

The younger halts before twisting around a crooked finger to point directly at an object sitting on the counter; allowing them both to crane their necks back and inhale the bouquet that was happily gleaming in a white vase. Somehow mocking a laugh directly at Changbin with its vibrant and soothing colors- from warm reds and fluorescent pinks to calm yellows and bright oranges; they were all sneering at him.

"The flowers." Felix finishes.

Changbin's stomach drops; straight to the floor with a splat. Feeling like his throat was now closing. Like his brain was breaking out his skull. Like his heart had stopped working. Like he was seconds away from dying.

The elder turns away from the flowers and throws his brain into a search for an excuse; looking through every single corner and empty shelf left until he musters up something- being so stupid that it nearly persuades Changbin to jump straight off a cliff right there and then.

"Oh.. that? Yeah.. that's.. I was just.. I mean.. the other day.. someone gave me.. flowers and.. I didn't really know what to do with them.. I mean, I do... I know how to take care of flowers and all.. like I have a vase.. and a windowsill and the sun comes in and everything.. but I didn't really want them, y'know?"

Oh my god, he was not saving his own ass.

"Anyways, so I went over to ask if you wanted them, cause like.. I feel like you would want to have flowers.. but maybe you didn't want them, maybe I should've asked the others first.. maybe you don't have a vase.. or-or a window," Changbin frowns, what in the fuck was he talking about, "But still, I mean.. it's the thought that counts right? Anyways, you weren't home at the time and I was just about to leave and keep them for myself.. when I suddenly thought, 'What if he really does want them?'

"So then, I just sat them down on the doormat and left them there.. then I walked home. I mean, I bet you know that.. since I wasn't there at the door.. waiting for you. I mean.. that would be weird, right? That would be so awkward. It wasn't like a gift or anything. I wasn't like waiting for you with flowers in my hands until you came home.. I mean, you didn't think that, right? Because.. no. Not at all. It wasn't like that. I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I was just-"

Small firm fingers suddenly wrap around Changbin's shoulders- happily cutting off the rambling that he was puking up- as a tight grip guides him around and leads him to do a full turn; getting him to clumsily trip over his unsteady balance from the sudden movement.

Changbin doesn't even get a moment to breath in anything; briefly inhaling how the latter's body is suddenly pushed into his chest, with a face that was already thin centimeters away from his- barely preparing him for anything whatsoever- before he feels Felix's lips press against his own.

Everything stops.

Every little single thing.

Every tiny snowflake falling outside, every ounce of choking water, every hasty and hesitant blink- all of it halts.

Because holy fuck.

This is what it felt like to be kissed by a literal angel.

Changbin melts in place- curving and sinking along Felix's body; pulling his wet hands away from gripping onto the counter and stationing them around the younger's back- tugging him in closer. Feeling how it results in having the kiss deepen even further; tasting like pure heaven.

Felix delicately pushes against Changbin's lips; planting kiss after kiss, hearing how it echoes back to their ears- showing how he was unable to get enough to satisfy him; neither of them knowing how long they were waiting for his exact moment.

Changbin softly smiles, feeling how the younger races up his hands to cup his cheeks. Easily noticing that Felix rubs and traces patterns across his face; getting Changbin to push him in closer, craving to feel more of that tendered warmth.

They were both lost in their own world- with their eyes closed and bodies packed so closely together, their heads titled for the best angle and the lips that enlightened each other; it was so perfect. So precious. So worth all the time they spent beating around the bush.

Felix combs his hands further into Changbin's hair, entangling each finger around the messy and curly locks- gently caressing against his scalp in a soft circular motions, massaging him ever so lightly- before he barely detaches; now calming down his labored breathing and the excited heart bouncing all over the place- shaking with euphoria that it was nearly uncontrollable.

The younger pops his eyes open, trailing his slow pupils all over the place until they successfully and peacefully land on Changbin's. Instantly finding how the elder was already looking at every aspect of Felix's face like he thought this was all a dream.

He watches how Changbin curves his gaze all the way up- tearing past all the captivating beauty that stood before him, past every perfectly sculptured feature looking back at him, past every single flawless distinctive quality that made him easily outshine anyone. Changbin pushes by every single ounce he could manage to devour until he successfully locks his pupils onto his main target; already happily awaiting to see the pair of endearing eyes that had literal galaxies glimmering inside of them.

Changbin takes it all in; knowing he could stare at the younger for countless of days and endless nights. Keeping it to himself that while everyone else enjoyed watching and experiencing breathtaking views, Changbin would easily prefer this over anything else in the world.

Felix opens his mouth, getting the elder to watch how the action shows off the lightest grin happily stuck to the corner of his lips, "I hid behind a plant."

Changbin's eyes widen, suddenly recoiling from their loose hug, "No way.." the elder playfully scoffs, "You heard everything?"

Felix nods, "And watched you stomp on the flowers too."

Changbin rolls his eyes and nudges him, "I didn't stomp on them."

"You threw them down!" Felix exclaims, eyes wide and amused, "The flowers just wanted a home."

"Did you keep them?"

Felix pauses, looking directly into the elder's eyes- filling them up with such indescribable love that it just about could make anyone feel a high level of serotonin, "Of course I kept them.. why would I throw them away?"

Changbin shrugs, "Because they were ruined?"

Felix chuckles- letting his joyous laugh slowly roll off his tongue and flutter out to tickle their ears, "They're the only thing on my nightstand," he says softly before lifting up a hand to gracefully tuck Changbin's loose hair behind his ears.

The elder smiles brightly, shifting his hands around to grip Felix's elbows- leaving him to absorb every aspect that he could: from the cautious touch the younger held him with, to how his pupils outlined every single curve and edge of his face. They both looked at each other with such an endearing sense, such an affectionate mood; like there was nothing but them in the whole entire world.

It made him lean in, stealing a quick glance at Felix who was attentively watching him, before he closes his eyes once again; letting the darkness lead him to the comfort and soothing touch that the younger always enwrapped around him.

He feels how Felix follows along- with his own messy hair brushing against Changbin's cheekbones, his own breath slipping and gliding down the elder's nose, his familiar scent registering inside of Changbin's brain; being so subtle and clear, nostalgic like a childhood home.

They were back to being inches apart- their lips lingering against each other, lightly touching every single tender spot; moments away from being fully reconnected, from being transported back to being in literal heaven- when a sudden loud squeak of shoes abruptly throws them off; erupting out so loudly it nearly makes them flinch.

Both Felix and Changbin pull away from each other, snapping out of their dazed minds that fooled them into thinking they were left alone for a second more. Now getting them to blink out of mild confusion and disturbance before they spin their heads around; taking their full attention and turning it all over the place to instantly find a man who was gaping at them with a wide shocked expression. Looking like his eyes were visibly about to pop and explode out of his head- left in pure utter shock that he didn't hesitate to let it show everywhere.

They all stare at each other: from the two that were pushed to the rim of a counter together, to the man that had snow melting in his hair and glossy pupils darting between them, helpless to move in the slightest as he stands frozen next to the door frame; unsure as to what to do. Slowly taking his time to fully understand and comprehend what he was witnessing; staring so hard, so intensely- making sure that he didn't leave out a single detail.

The man swallows, now closing his mouth that had unconsciously fallen open- allowing himself to take one last grand inhale of things- before his whole expression suddenly changes. Now getting a sudden sly smirk to curl against his mouth and replace the dumbfound, "I fucking knew it," Seungmin softly whispers; a playful tone dancing behind his eyes.

They both remain frozen; uncertain as to how to react to such an uncalled for response- already having a million questions lingering in the back of their heads, though Seungmin continues on before they even have the chance to think it through or show any type of emotion.

"Well.. then.." Seungmin clears his throat, "I'll let you two be," he says, straightening himself up- passing another quick glimpse at them one last time before he quickly dashes back out the door; slipping away and erasing his little interruption from existence; like he wasn't here in the first place.

They hear how Seungmin's small steps begin to buzz and clash lightly against the hallway carpet, giving them a brief moment to breath until his small faint voice speaks out once more, "When your gay asses are done.. feel free to join us."

Changbin turns of Felix, locking eyes directly with the younger- both of them glimmering with some sort of secret enjoyment as the elder darts all around Felix's pupils; taking in the vibrant brown pools of happiness- connecting their gazes for a silent second- before they suddenly burst out laughing; having something unknown sparking inside in both of them.

They both fall away from the counter, now chuckling and chortling in each other's faces; powerless to hold in how amusing this whole situation had become. Both of them sounding like they were wheezing and choking on air, like someone was getting murdered on the kitchen floor instead of it being their horrendous laughs loudly erupting. Though it still doesn't fail to make them both rock to the back of their heels from the glee that controlled their actions- getting their faces to crunch up with pure delight and overwhelming delight.

Changbin pulls up a hand to cover his mouth, muffling and relaxing his hiccups of the loud cackles- trying to piece himself back together before turning to Felix, "Do you wanna go?"

Felix's eyes immediately lights up, glowing with a new sort of vibrant life, forgetting that he had been dying of laughter seconds ago; showing just how much he enjoyed the mere idea of that, awaiting for when the elder would finally mention it- having it be cramped to the back of his head until he ultimately remembered that it was there in the first place.

Felix nods excitedly, already getting the younger to race and trail his hand down to Changbin's wrist- instantly swiveling around and past the chaotic kitchen that still needed desperate help of cleaning up; happily forgetting the scattered mess and unclean dishes that laid abandoned. Allowing Felix to yank them to the door that was still left ajar, now anticipating and expecting their arrival, as they skid and slip on the floor with a worried rush- like they were to miss out on the opportunity.

Changbin runs along next to him; barely keeping up with the speed the younger had locked in his feet as they both freely explode into the hallway- chasing after the trail the others had taken.

The elder feels how Felix's hand slowly draws all the way down into Changbin's- pushing his fingers into the crook and cranny of the elder's; his small hand being wrapped entirely with Changbin's palm- keeping it warm and safe. Telling him to never let it go.

They both race out straight into the snow; already happily awaiting their presence- anticipating to finally be devoured and decorated in the flakes; wanting to be dancing in the snow globe together. To be stuck in the most charming and inviting them- one that told them everything was perfect.

Because everything was.

Everything was perfect as they step out into the freezing cold.

Everything was perfect as the snow hits their face.

Everything was perfect as smiles curve and muster up on their faces; fools that couldn't handle all the happiness.

Everything was perfect as they look up to the sky- letting them be wrapped in with the small flurries.

It was all perfect.

It was perfect because they knew that they had each other.

It was perfect because Changbin had Felix.

It was perfect because Felix had Changbin.

And that was the definition perfect.

- final final end -

•••••