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Nancy Wheeler’s childhood room has never looked so desolate. The pinstripe walls are vacant, no pictures or posters. Not a singular speck of her childhood remains. The room that was her nursery, the room that her mom read her bedtime stories in, the room that had been her safe haven in her teen years because even monsters were scared of the copious amounts of pink. Empty.
The time between this moment and when she first blinked feel milliseconds away from each other, like she’s a newborn trapped in the body of a woman. She can’t help but wonder when this all happened, when she had the time to grow up, if she had even grown up. Of course she had, newborns don’t move in with their real, adult, boyfriends. But suddenly, twenty whole years felt like twenty mere seconds.When had this happened?
“Nance?” It’s Robin, who’s come back into the room not holding the box she had left with a few minutes ago, instead her hand is gripping the doorframe. Robin’s dressed like she was meant to renovate a house, not move some boxes, in a thick, white, painters shirt and heather gray sweatpants that cinch at her ankles. Her hair is pulled back into the messiest bun Nancy has ever seen, with her bangs hanging out along with random clusters of chestnut locks along her hairline. “I think we’re all done.”
Robin looks uncharacteristically sad. Her lips are downturned just slightly, but her eyebrows are raised as a fraudulent sign of sympathy. The two have been almost attached at the hip for two years, Nancy knows it’s fake.
“I guess so,” Nancy lets out a sigh as she speaks, glancing around the room. It’s almost as if there’s lights around where her furniture used to be, where it was supposed to be but wasn’t anymore. The corner where her desk used to sit was practically glowing, but she can’t get sentimental yet, so she ignores it. “What time is it?”
“Around 10, why?” Robin removes her hand from the door, stepping towards Nancy.
“Wanna go up to the roof?” She asks, purposefully rounding out her eyes in an attempt to guilt her friend. Ever since the summer of 86’, after Vecna ran its course, Nancy, Robin, Steve, and Eddie started to spend an absorbent amount of time on the roof. On the back side, overlooking the backyard, there was a small plateau that all 4 of them could comfortably fit on, a plateau directly accessible from Nancy’s room. Summer days with vodka slushies, fall nights chatting and watching the stars, that was the place where their friendship unfolded. The four most unlikely people, one popular jock, one goody-two-shoes girl next store, one hardcore freak, and one sarcastic smart-ass, all laying in a pile on Nancy Wheeler’s roof. Nancy adds, “One last time, for the hell of it.”
“Of fucking course, Wheeler.” Robin responds, flashing towards the window. In seconds the white frame is lifted and locked in place, and Robin’s left arm and leg are outside. Her white top flows gently in the breeze,clinging against her back. It leaves the imprint of her spine, all her curves and intricacies, on display. Even Nancy can appreciate how absolutely gorgeous she is. Even when she wears ratty, old clothes, her presence is pure artistry, like God had spent years making her perfect just to send her down and let her get trapped by Russians and hunted by hellish monsters.
By the end of Nancy’s thought, Robin is fully onto the platform, dangling her hand down for Nancy to grab. Nancy props her foot up on the windowsill, lacing her fingers with Robin’s, allowing herself to be pulled to the top.
Robin settles into a corner, and Nancy buries herself opposite of her. Under the moonlight, with her face only slightly illuminated, she still looks so beautiful. “So…” Robin’s words drag off, her eyes darting off to the stars, “You thrilled? Excited to move in with the love of your life.”
Nancy wants to say yes, because of course she loves Jonathan, of course she wanted to spend her days with him. But part of her, a nagging worm in her brain, thinks about a different life, a dream that exceeds her grasp.
Nancy Wheeler never wanted to stay in Hawkins, Indiana. Since she was a little girl, she’d dreamed of having an apartment in New York with a roommate and a cat. A place to live surrounded by real people, people who thought and said meaningful things, people who weren’t stoners who couldn’t hold a job. Big city living, with no men stuck in their teen years.
And then there’s Robin, looking at her with her eyes that were never dull or red or lazy. Robin always looked like she was feeling exactly what Nancy was with her dazzling blue irises and her permanently upturned, peach, lips. Her eyes were like opals, deep and glimmering and grand, absolutely stunning.
Every single moment with Robin seems to flood Nancy then and there. Like when they first met and Robin had made battling vecna slightly bearable, and the way that meant more to Nancy than she could express. Every time she swung by at midnight with her favorite flavor of slurpee because her and Jonathan were arguing, and the one night the 7/11 by her house had been out so she drove across town just to bring Nancy a melted cherry slurpee. Or the time that she convinced Steve to drive the two of them 24 hours round trip just so Nancy could see New York once, and how she won’t admit how difficult that was because she doesn’t want Nancy to feel bad.
And that nagging worm is back, but this time it knows something. This little slice of Nancy’s brain, no matter how bright the rest of it was, recognized something. Something bold, and terrifying, and seemingly unreal.
Robin Buckley is everything Jonathan Byers could never be. Where Jonathan is unperceptive and myopic, Robin is understanding and empathetic. Where Jonathan is brash and angry, Robin is gentle and gracious. Jonathan is a dictator, but Robin is a helper. He is the unease and anxiety in the back of her head, and Robin is her ever-present ray of infallible sunshine. Robin is the best person Nancy has ever met. And she loves her the way she loved Steve, and the way she thought she had loved Jonathan for all these years.
No matter how much she tried to convince herself, convincing herself that she did love him, that she wanted to move in with him, and spend the fleeting years of her life with him, it was hopeless. There was no way of shoving this back down into some deep abyss in her soul, what she can only imagine is her own, personal, upside down that she’s been keeping this in.
But what the fuck is she supposed to do about it. She couldn’t leave Jonathan, not now, not when they’ve bought a house together and have planned to start their lives. As much as her heart aches to start over with Robin, there was absolutely no way. And Nancy’s eyes can’t help but stream out with tears at the thought that she could never be happy with the beautiful woman in front of her. Lakes of salty tears pour out into the holes of her knit sweater, trailing down her body.
“Nance? Nance, what’s wrong?” Robin questions, sliding her body over towards Nancy. It’s something she’s always found adorable, really. How Robin uses her entire body to move. Even just to slide 3-or-so-feet, she uses her arms to practically propel her into Nancy. It made everything she did feel that much more important.
She can feel Robin’s hand lightly touch the small of her back, rubbing soft, repetitive, circles. Her body melts into the touch, aching for more. Robin’s touch was meaningful, intentional, all of the comfort Nancy would ever need. She can’t resist anymore.
Nancy’s voice is faint when she finally speaks, a raspy whisper through her tears. “I love you, Robin.”
Robin laughs, the most pure, gorgeous thing she’s ever heard. “I love you too, you’re my best friend. But seriously, what’s up?”
Robin has no idea what she meant, that beautiful idiot.”No Robin, I love you.” She takes a deep breath, continuing. “I love you how I’m supposed to love Jonathan.”
It takes a long, uncomfortable silence before Robin does anything. Nancy turns her head away, hanging it low towards the raised roof next to her, bracing for Robin to say or do something, anything.
Robin doesn’t take her hand away from her like she expects, she doesn’t stop moving it in soft circles, and she doesn’t rush back through the window. Instead, she brings her second hand up to Nancy’s shoulder, dragging it up along her neck until she has a loose grasp on Nancy’s chin. “You have no idea what you’re talking about, Nance. You’re just nervous, I get it, but you don’t really want me, It’s-”
“No,” Nancy cuts her off, whipping her head back around so their noses are ever so slightly brushing together “I can’t believe I haven’t seen it until now. I can’t stand the thought of having a boring, mundane, life with a man I don’t really love anymore, not like that. Not when I could be with you.”
“Nancy, please, don’t fuck with me like this.”
“I’m not fucking with you! I know-” She defends, placing her hand over Robin’s, “I know it seems crazy, but you have to believe me. I think I’ve loved you for years now.”
“I have wanted to hear those words for so long, but it just seems so impossible.” They’re staring at each other, so close together. Close enough for Nancy to smell the mint gum on her breath, so close Nancy wants to kiss the smell right out of her.
“No one, no one in the whole world, makes me feel like you do. When you smile, I smile. You make me laugh no matter how actually fucked everything is. You’re like a ray of sunshine that’s been following me around for 2 years, Rob.”
Robin looks, for lack of a better word, flabbergasted. Her eyes are wide and her mouth is hanging open, but not in a scared way, more like she’s stunned. She looks like she had just been woken up from an interesting dream. And then she asks the existential question, pointing out one glaring, stabbing, problem. “What about Jonathan?”
“I don’t know,” Nancy answers, and it’s true. She doesn’t know if she’s gonna call him, or grab Robin’s hand right this second and run away to who knows where. She doesn’t know if telling Robin is pointless, or if she’s ever going to be able to leave. She knows she doesn’t want to be a monster and break his heart, but she also knows she wants to tame the monster eating her from the inside. “I know I don’t want to be with him, but I don’t know.”
Robin finally takes her hands away from Nancy’s body, chilling the areas where her touch lingered. “You have to leave him, Nance. You can stay with Steve and I if you need, but if you go to Jonathan tomorrow, we’re gonna pretend that this never happened. I want you, but I can’t share you, it’s too fucking hard.”
Nancy places both of her hands on Robin’s cheeks, her fingers brushing her bangs carefully, “I’m yours, fully and completely. I’ve never wanted anything more.” That, she knows, confidently and surely.
And with that, Robin hands are back, warm and soothing, present in a way nothing has ever felt before. Robin crosses her right leg over Nancy, settling over her like the sun, letting every inch of her angelic self be exposed. Then she’s leaning in, her lips so close to Nancy’s that she could barely breathe. “Tell me not to, Wheeler, and I’ll stop right now-”
Nancy uses her hands to draw Robin into her, their bodies colliding like two perfect puzzle pieces. Two beings never meant to be separated. Every crack and crevice of Nancy fits just right by Robin, and every bit of pain she’s ever felt is swallowed by the contact.
Their lips are like motors against each other, consistent and present. To Nancy, it’s like Robin knows exactly what to do. It was easy, and she could practically feel light permeating off of the two of them.
Even when Robin presses down into her, her mouth practically engulfing Nancy’s top lip, her movements felt unbelievably gentle. It was like nothing Nancy had ever known before, and she never wanted to know anything different again.
When they pulled back, the taste of Robin’s mouth stayed right there. The taste of ice cream they’d had for dessert and that goddamn mint gum that mixed into such a tantalizing flavor, it was all there and it felt so fucking good.
“Was that-” Robin started, but she trailed off. And Nancy couldn’t bring herself to respond for a while just because of how beautiful Robin was. Her bun was gone, the hair tie was probably somewhere in the yard, but her hair looked gorgeous draped over one shoulder, like a fucking goddess. Her bangs were pushed back enough to see her whole face, and her features laid in such a genuine mix of joy and concern, which just made Nancy fall in love 20 times more.
“Good?” Nancy finishes for her. “It was perfect.”
Robin laughs again, it sounds bright and gorgeous. It’s the sound Nancy wants to wake up to every morning, and the sound she wants to go to sleep listening to.
But something drops in Robin’s face as she speaks again, “This is gonna be hard, Nance.”
“I know that, Rob.”
“No I mean like-” She pauses, looking like she’s trying to form words in her brain. “First you have to deal with Jonathan-”
“Which I can do, tonight even if you need me to.” Nancy interrupts her, taking Robin’s hands in her own
“And then how do we deal with going from best friends to girlfriends? I’ve never even had a girlfriend, much less dated my best friend. I just-” Nancy thinks she can see tears forming in Robin’s eyes, but it’s too dark outside to tell. She pulls Robin’s hands in towards her, keeping them hovered just over her heart, and she presses a soft kiss to her temple.
“Robin-” She says through her smile, “Do you want to be with me?”
Robin doesn’t hesitate to answer, “Absolutely.”
“Well then I’m going to go tell Jonathan it’s over, and then we can head back to your place, and watch ‘Pretty in Pink.’ How does that sound?”
“Perfect,” Robin kisses her back in the same place, whispering quietly against her before pulling away, “But we’re watching ‘The Outsiders.’ We’ve seen ‘Pretty in Pink’ like a thousand times.”
“And we’ve seen ‘The Outsiders’ a thousand and one,” Nancy laughs, “How about ‘The Breakfast Club?”
“It’s a date, Wheeler.”