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From the window of the office turned makeshift bridal suite, you could see the crowd of people as they poured in. Some faces you recognized, some you didn’t.
Not that it really mattered much anyway. There was only one face you were hoping to avoid.
“There.” Your mother’s soft voice cut your thoughts short. Her gentle hands smoothed out the material of your dress as she finished fastening the corset.
The rest of the women in your bridal party watched with bated breath as you crossed the room to observe yourself in the mirror. When you finally made eye contact with the reflection, it felt like an out of body experience. The slow trail of your hands down the bodice and skirt didn’t look real, feel real. It was as though you were watching someone else.
“So?” One of your bridesmaids finally spoke up. “What do you think?”
A breath fell from your lips that you didn’t even realize you’d been holding. Raising your eyes to gaze at the people sitting behind you, their excited looks made your stomach do a flip.
It was at that moment that you realized everyone in the room was more excited than you were. On your wedding day.
“I feel great!”
You hoped they couldn’t see through your lies.
The cheers that came from the group told you that they hadn’t noticed the fluctuation in your voice. They were happy for you, but of course they were - they thought this was what you wanted.
In actuality, this was the furthest thing from what you wanted.
* * *
The warmth from the sun had Bucky’s cheeks flushed pink as he laid with his head in your lap. Fingers gently combing through his chestnut hair, you admired the way he looked with his eyes closed. There was a calm, peaceful look on his face and it matched the blissful sigh that came from his pillowy lips.
“Daydreaming about something?” You teased, watching the hair as it slipped through your fingers.
Bucky chuckled slightly as he opened his eyes to look up into yours. Although his eyes were a cold blue, they made you feel the exact opposite. Each time they met yours it was as though your entire body was lit ablaze.
“I don’t need to daydream, sugar. I got everything I ever dreamed of right here.”
* * *
A wave of guilt washed over as you stared at your reflection in the mirror. Here you were, on your wedding day, reminiscing on times you had with someone else.
Your friend who was adding the finishing touches to your hair noticed your pained look in the mirror but when she had asked if you were okay you gave her a fake answer about just being nervous.
Nervous about making the wrong decision, maybe.
It had been 5 years since you last saw Bucky. 5 years since the crippling darkness moved in and made home in your chest. In your eyes, he was never coming back. He was gone just like the rest of them and you would never get to love him again.
The support group you attended was helpful at first, but then it just ended up being too much. The idea of talking to other people who were going through the same thing was a nice theory, but in execution it was simply ripping the bandaid off the wound over. and over. and over again.
The only good thing that came out of it was Josh.
Initially it started as two lonely people helping one another find some normalcy in an otherwise fucked up timeline. Josh had lost his family and like you was completely alone. Sure, you were lucky enough that your parents were still around, a couple friends survived too - but the one person you cared about most in the world was gone. Josh knew that pain and could relate to how alone and isolated you were feeling. Things just sort of…happened with him after that. Sure, you loved him and cared for him, but it wouldn’t ever be in the same way as you’d loved in the past. You never meant to make him a replacement for Bucky, and in your heart you told yourself that wasn’t what he was, but there wasn’t any time for lying to yourself any more.
Especially not now. Especially not with everyone coming back.
Everyone including Bucky.
“Are you ready, darling?” Your mother spoke softly, placing a gentle hand on your shoulder.
Shaking yourself from your mind, you looked at her and smiled.
“Can I have just a few minutes alone?” You placed your hand over hers and gave her a small smile.
Truth be told, you hoped she would see it in your eyes. The pain. The confusion. The uncertainty. You desperately wanted someone to ask you what was wrong. To tell you this whole thing was a mistake and what you were feeling was valid.
“Sure, honey. We’ll be outside.” She leaned down to kiss your forehead and ushered everyone out of the room.
The familiar feeling of fullness and dread began to creep into your chest. Breathing felt like a chore. Your palms became clammy. Every instinct in your body was screaming at you to kick your shoes off and run. Yet, you couldn’t move. You were frozen in time, forced to come to terms with yourself.
You reached forward and grabbed your phone off of the vanity, sliding the case off and catching a piece of paper as it fell out. Shaky hands unfolded the paper and your fingertips traced over the familiar handwriting that was inked into the page. As if you didn’t already have the words committed to memory, you read them once again.
“…I’m not upset. Not anymore. I can’t blame you for moving on. Hell, I can’t even explain what happened in the first place…
…When I heard the story, I almost cried. I didn’t want it to be true. I wanted to believe that you’d be mine forever, but that’s not fair…
…So, I guess what I’m trying to say is - it’s okay. Not that you need my permission, you’re a big girl. But I don’t hold anything against you, I couldn’t if I tried. I’ll always have love in my heart for you and I’ll cherish the time we did have together. No matter what, I want you to be happy. That’s what matters to me the most. All in all, I hope you have a happy marriage and that he loves you without abandon. That’s what you deserve.
Best,
Your James.”
There was no stopping the sobs that began to rip through you. Clutching the paper to your chest, you wanted nothing more than to disappear in that moment.
* * *
“Well, what about you? Is Barnes gonna make an honest girl out of you?” Nat teased you, grinning over the rim of her beer.
“Look, I get that I’m from the 40’s…” Bucky started to defend himself but you couldn’t help but giggle.
Bucky looked beside him at you, as you were tucked under his arm and he grinned proudly, “Besides, if she ever married an old son of a bitch like me, I’d be the luckiest man alive.”
You rolled your eyes at his schmoozing attempt, but your stomach was doing somersaults. Marriage was a topic that had come up with Bucky a few times, but this was the first time he’d said something like that out loud in front of your friends. Usually he liked to keep those conversations private.
“I’d say it’s the other way around, actually.” Bucky looked down at you again as you began to speak, “I’d be lucky to be made an honest girl by him.” You squeezed his side playfully to punctuate your sentence.
Bucky shook his head at your teasing, wearing his signature wide grin. Laughing again, you wrapped your fingers around his dog tags and pulled him in for a kiss.
* * *
Every tear you’d held back for the last 5 years had come pouring out. The emotional dam was broken, and for a minute you were scared it wasn’t going to stop. You cursed yourself for keeping the letter, for going ahead with the marriage, for even getting into a relationship after Bucky in the first place.
Sadness. Confusion. Guilt.
It was as though you were going through every imaginable emotion at once. You didn’t even realize it was possible for someone to feel so broken. Each time you tried to calm down, the tears only came back harder and your heart continued to chip - piece by piece. Eventually, you felt like a shell of a human. Something was controlling your body, but it didn’t feel like it was your soul any more.
A soft knock at the door had you scrambling to put the letter back, to clean yourself up a little bit.
“J-just a second!” You stuttered, shoving the paper back into your phone case.
“Oh honey…”
Your mother crossed the room to wrap you in her arms and kiss your head. As you opened your mouth to speak, you were cut off.
“It’s okay to be nervous.” She pulled back to smooth your hair, “I mean, I was a wreck the day your father and I got married. I think I cried from the moment I put my dress on until we left the chapel.”
You nodded. You couldn’t tell her the truth. You didn’t have the heart.
“It’s all gonna be okay, sweetheart. Josh loves you so much, you look so beautiful. It’s going to be an incredible day for you. I am so happy for you, baby girl.” She lifted your chin to meet her gaze.
You forced a smile and nodded slightly.
Next thing you know you’re standing at the opening to the chapel on your dad’s arm, holding a bouquet of flowers.
At least that’s where your body was standing.
Just as it had when you had your first look at your dress, it felt like an out of body experience. Someone else was controlling your movements and you were floating somewhere in the beyond. The organ began to play as the doors opened and you followed your father’s lead down the aisle. Guests stood up, giving you soft smiles as you walked by. Instead of trying to make eye contact with anyone you stared down at the flowers in your hand.
Once you reached the altar your father lifted your veil and kissed you on the cheek. That’s when you got a look at Josh for the first time. The corners of his eyes were wet and he wore a proud grin on his face while he looked at you. Taking your hand, he rubbed your fingers with his thumb as he mouthed at you, “you okay?” You lied, nodding at him and feigning a nervous smile.
The ceremony went off beautifully, at least that’s what you were told later at the reception. The only thing you were grateful for was that it was over quickly.
As you laced your fingers with Josh and turned to the guests, gazing out into the sea of people for the first time as man and wife, you saw him.
Cold, blue eyes staring at you as he leaned against the door frame of the chapel. A breath caught in your throat as you stared back. You expected him to look distraught, angry, anything negative and raw - but he didn’t appear to be any of those things at all. A smile even decorated his face.
You wanted to yell for him - to tell him that you’d made a mistake, that you loved him and you wanted him back.
But that didn’t happen.
Instead, for the second time in your life, you watched as Bucky disappeared before your eyes.