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Remus never really thought about seeing Sirius again. Since he never thought he would.
He always tried to avoid thinking about all the possibilities. What he would do, what he would say, and how he would react. Would he go up and hug him, crying, kissing him all over Sirius’ face, holding on tight to the man who marked their initials to his wounded heart. Or, would he go up and scream his entire gut out, slapping him across the face, releasing everything he has kept inside for nearly 12 years. Or, maybe Remus might just give Sirius a stone cold look and walk the other way. Leaving the other man lonely and cold. Just like how they all left Remus.
Nonetheless, this was not how Remus expected their reunion to be.
Sirius was on the other side of his kitchen counter. Sipping the warm tea Remus had offered him. Wrapping those long, bony fingers of his around the cracked cup, using all his strength, gripping on it tightly, so he could just take a sip.
Remus turned the other way, not having the strength to be face to face with Sirius again, pretending to be busy washing the dirty dishes placed on his sink.
It was all a blur, really. Dumbledore hasn’t contacted him, or even said anything about Sirius’ sudden visit. Sirius just knocked on his door, explained a very brief explanation on why he needed to stay at Remus’, and entered his house, limping with a wince of pain on his tired face. Remus, being too shocked by who was currently at his front door, quickly opened the door and let his once lover in. Not really thinking of what would come next. Where would Sirius sleep? Where would Remus sleep? How would they act? Is Sirius going to talk, or is he just going to stay here? What would happen to them?
This made Remus feel rather pathetic. He felt pathetic for opening the door to Sirius with no hesitation. He felt pathetic for his breath hitching when he saw those cold but yet familiar grey eyes. He felt pathetic for wanting to wrap Sirius in a nice warm blanket, and hold him tight, never letting him go. He felt pathetic for looking at Sirius and saying, “Gosh, isn’t he still so beautiful.” as his mind buzzed with other muffled words that made Remus light headed.
“You know” Sirius abruptly spoke, pulling Remus from the many thoughts spinning in his head. “It’s alright if you don’t want me here. I understand.” Remus spun his head around uncontrollably, finally meeting those eyes that once haunted him in many dreams.
Sirius flinched as he saw Remus’ eyes meet his, but continued. “It seems Dumbledore hasn’t told you yet, so it’s unfair if I just barge in here”
“It’s fine, Sirius. Really” Remus turned back to the sink, and quietly let the tap water brush against his scarred hands. Listening to the uncomfortable silence that circled around his lonely house. He tried his very best to keep his composure, and not drop on to the kitchen floor crying and grasping for answers to his many questions. Did Lily and James think I was the traitor too? What happened when you fought Peter? Was Peter trying to convince you all that it was me? Why did you believe in him, Sirius, why did YOU believe in him?
“I can sleep on the couch tonight. It’s been a cold night, and you’ve walked here all alone, so it’s just right for you to have the bed” Remus continued, with a very soft but quick pace. He dried off his hands with the nearby towel that was draped around a hook above the sink.
“I’ll get you some extra pillows from the couch, I don’t think the ones in the room are enough to keep you warm. The bathroom is the one in front of the bedroom, and well, the kitchen is here, couch and television, which I don’t think you would like but it’s over there near the door, and the fridge is here.” Remus pointed to his right. “Take anything you want, I don’t mind”
Remus quickly closed his mouth and took a big trembling breath, placing his hand onto his rapid beating heart. He was waiting for a needed response. Which he was not getting. Sirius did not respond, or even made a single noise to signal he was even there. It was just quiet.
With a sigh, Remus finally turned around to look at Sirius. Again. The silence in his house was making him feel all sorts of emotions, and he wanted to get rid of it straight away.
At first, it was just two exhausted men staring at each other quietly. Not intensely though. They were simply just staring. With a kitchen counter blocking them from each other’s grasp.
Remus opened his mouth, but Sirius beat him to it.
“I missed you, Moony”
Remus closed his mouth instantly, with wide but clear tears growing on his brown soft eyes, and now falling to his freckled cheeks.
“Don’t say that” Remus gasped, trying to rewind to five seconds ago when Sirius didn’t break the walls he built for 12 years. Only to break with those four relieving, but heart stabbing words, with the voice he has desperately missed.
“Why won’t I say it? It’s the truth.” Sirius smiled with a hint of sadness painted all over his strained eyes. He slowly placed the cup of tea out of his hand, and on the kitchen counter. “It’s one of the only things I’ve felt for 12 years. That, and anger to Peter.”
Sirius looked down to the kitchen tiles with disgust, grimacing as he mentioned the traitor’s name. With his face looking down, black tangled hair covered his bony and fragile cheeks. Falling down messily over his slumped shoulders, looking like uncontrolled vines tangled all up into a ball of mess. “I don’t remember anything really. But, missing you has been the strongest emotion I can remember-“
“Stop. Please. Just stop” Remus hit his back on the kitchen counter behind him. Holding tightly onto it. Hoping his legs won’t dishonour him and let him lay helplessly on the floor. He was trying to stand up straight. But he really couldn’t. Endless tears trickled down his reddened face, his long hands covering his eyes, and his knees weakening, slowly wanting to collapse to the floor and crumble.
Remus couldn’t see anything. He refused to. He covered his burning eyes with his fingers that he always hated. He despised how beaten up they look. However for once he was incredibly thankful for these hands. It helped him to cover his eyes from looking at Sirius. For that, he is extremely thankful
It was just darkness and sobs that Remus felt and heard. He didn’t know where Sirius went and he didn’t need to know. Remus felt like he was burning in the pits of fire. It burned him, reminding him of every memory he had before. Before James and Lily’s death, and all the struggles he had to endure for after it. All the struggles he had with and without Sirius. All the struggles he had to face alone with the memory of his friends and joyous times, that was quickly taken from his grasp.
Remus unexpectedly jumped, when he felt cold trembling hands touch his wet cheeks. It felt cold, distant and nervous, but Remus quickly leaned into the touch. It was the most comfortable touch Remus has felt in a very long time.
“Remus… please” Sirius’ soothing voice would have broken Remus into more tears, but surprisingly, this caused Remus to slowly detach his fingers from his droopy eyes.
Remus blinked a few times before forcing himself to look at the man in front of him. Carefully leaning close to Remus, so their foreheads were spaced apart. His fingers now rubbing soft circles into Remus’ pink tinted cheeks. Humming a very quiet tune to calm Remus’ uneven breathing.
“I’m sorry.” Sirius looked straight into Remus’ weak eyes. Holding him tightly, never letting him go. A tear left Sirius’ eyes when he said the words that seemed to be caged into his lungs. A tear of relief that meant he had found the key to let it all out. “I’m really sorry, Moony. For everything”
Now, with two hands clutching onto Remus’ face, circling small motioned circles, Remus let his intrusive thoughts win. He didn’t need to wait anymore. He didn’t want to. Yes, he has built walls to cover the effects of the death and many losses he had encountered in 1981, had on him. And yes, it took him 12 years to get a grip of his life. And yes, he is willing to break all those efforts down just to be with Sirius again. Cause he finally has him in his arms again, and he’ll keep him in there forever.
Remus did the last quick move, and moved his head forward so their foreheads would touch. With their lips only a few breaths apart, Remus quickly reached his two hands to Sirius’s face, and wrapped it around Sirius’ neck, and leaned in slightly forward so their lips would finally touch.
Like a sense of recognition, one of Sirius’ hands left Remus’ cheeks and placed it lightly onto Remus’ back, pulling him in.
With eyes closed and soft kisses to each other’s craving lips, Remus finally felt the comfort he needed. It was soft, sweet and delicate. The kiss that can break him apart but can glue him all together again.
Remus slowly broke away from the kiss, and looked up to meet the eyes of the man he had desperately missed.
“I missed you too. A lot. And I’m sorry. Incredibly sorry.” Remus quietly spoke, holding Sirius’s face into his warm hands. Caging Sirius within his palms. Admiring the beauty that’s currently in his hands. “For everything”
“For everything” Sirius repeated, leaning forward for another long awaited kiss.