Work Text:
Jeremy wasn’t sure what he was the most surprised about. The fact that Christine had agreed to go on a date with him, or the fact that he wasn’t enjoying himself as much as he should be. He’d had a crush on Christine years ago. An absolutely huge one, at that. And here he was, sitting in a coffee shop with her, and he felt so horrifically awkward.
“So…” Christine said, her hands cupped around the mug in her hands. She was apparently a sweet drinks person, with some sort of iced latte that was half whipped cream half caramel with a dash of coffee. Jeremy wasn’t at all surprised. “How’s your summer been? We’ve barely talked at all.”
The dreaded small talk. This was what Jeremy was terrified of, the awkward niceties. How is he supposed to tell her that he was hanging out with the guy he was kind of in love with, but said guy was also helping him with a list where, at the end of it, once it was completed, he’d made a promise with himself that he’d end it all?
Also, how are you supposed to explain that you’re on a date with someone that you’re not actually all that interested in, because your internalized biphobia says you can’t like both without physically being romantic with both? Which was dumb, Jeremy knew, but both of the boxes were on his list. He couldn’t chicken out. Not with Jake there cheering him on. He really did like seeing the smile on his face, even if he knew it’d probably all end in flames.
“It’s been fine.” He said, stirring his coffee with his straw and trying for a smile. “How’s, uh, how’s yours been?”
“It’s been really good! I mean, we’ve been doing rehearsals for Mamma Mia all summer.” Christine was more than happy to fill the silence. Jeremy was glad for it. He could listen to whatever Christine wanted to talk about, and then this would all be over eventually. Maybe he would chicken out, and then he wouldn’t kiss Christine, and then he’d end up never finishing the list. He wasn’t sure which one would be better in the long run. Besides, he’d probably never finish. He was asking way too much of himself, hell, too much of Jake, even, for him to eventually get laid.
“You know, you should audition for some of our local shows!” Christine said excitedly. “You were good in our high school ones. I mean, you have some issues with stage fright, but honestly, you were one of the best actors there.”
That made Jeremy turn pink, smiling a bit. “I mean, that’s not really anything to be super proud of. Did you see how bad the others were? I mean, not, like, bad, but- you know.”
Christine laughed at that. When she laughed, her eyes closed. Jeremy had noticed that their freshman year, when he’d been in an English class with her. That stupid class, and the subsequent dramatic reading of the Romeo and Juliet balcony scene, had started his pining. Hell, he’d even joined the drama for her. And then ended up, somehow, with a whole group of friends. He still wasn’t entirely sure how that had happened. It made everything about this that much harder.
“No, yeah, I know.” Christine smiled at him, leaning her head on her hand. “You know, I was kind of surprised you texted me.” She said, looking up at him. “Don’t get me wrong, you’re cute and all. You’ve got this whole awkward nerdy thing that’s really adorable. But I didn’t think you still liked me.”
Jeremy blinked at that, feeling his cheeks going red. “Um. What’s that supposed to mean?” Still? Christine had known? Well, he hadn’t exactly been all that subtle.
“Oh, it’s not a bad thing!” She said quickly, waving her hands. “I just- I kind of thought you liked Jake. I mean, you’ve been hanging out a lot this summer, from what Rich has said, and, you know. He talks about you a lot. Especially with the thing you sang at the open mic. I was, like, sure you had a crush on him.”
Jeremy stared at her, feeling the flush creep up his cheeks. Shit, was he that obvious? He always tried to avoid being too noticeable, especially with Jake. Only catching glances, trying to avoid touching them too much, out of fear of being called creepy or gross. He always felt gross. Even now, he felt gross, he felt disgusting, like he was going to somehow infect Jake if he kept on liking him. “I’m- really sorry if I made you think that I don’t like you or anything.” He said, doing his best job to resist the urge to rip apart the paper straw he’d been given. “It’s not like I don’t- like you. I just- like you as a friend. And… This sounds so bad, but I kind of- asked you to do this because I’m, uh. I don’t want to go to college without…” He trailed off, the lie feeling heavy in his mouth. He didn’t want to go to college. He didn’t want to die without doing this. “Kissing someone?”
Christine gave a small laugh. “Oh, Jere. Is that what this is about?” She said, leaning forwards on her elbows. “Okay, okay. I get what you mean. It’s kind of, like, a rite of passage, right? They do this all the time in movies and stuff, so I get it. I’ll help you with this. Promise.”
She reached out her hand, holding it out in a pinky promise.
Jeremy spluttered. “I- you don’t have to if you don’t want to, you know.”
“I know! But it’s fine, Jere. You worry too much.” Christine smiled at him, until Jeremy linked their fingers together, and she positively beamed. She pulled their fingers close together. “I’ll give you a kiss if you promise to tell me all about your huge crush on Jake.”
Jeremy was too busy trying to catch up to the conversation to even realize that Christine was grabbing her bag. “I- I don’t have- That’s not-”
“C’mon, Jere. I’m not kissing you here.” She held out her hand.
Jeremy took it, just to stand, before letting go as soon as he hoped was socially acceptable. They stepped out into the warm, summer air. Jeremy was once again stiflingly hot in his hoodie.
God, he hated himself for that. Even as they turned down the street, clearly headed for the park, he felt the overwhelming feeling of guilt and dread piling in his stomach. He shook that off, scrambling for something that made him feel less like he wanted to die right then and there on the sidewalk.
Which meant his brain settled on Jake. Stupid, nice, adorable Jake, who was so good at making him feel normal for a while. “Do you… think he knows?” Jeremy finally said, looking over at Christine. Although she was shorter, Jeremy had to speed up a little to keep up.
“Think who knows what?” Christine blinked at him innocently, before taking a sip from her straw.
“Jake. Do you- think he knows I like him?” He wasn’t sure he’d like her answer.
Christine squinted up at the sky, which was bright blue and had absolutely no clouds. Jeremy was thankful for the brief chills as they walked under the awnings of shops. “I don’t think so. I mean, he’s not really- that observant. In the nicest way. I mean, he knows you like him, at least. But… the fact that you have a massive crush on him? I don’t think he’s figured that out yet.” She looked over at him, her lips pressed in a line. “Do you… want him to know you like him?”
“No!” Jeremy said, a little too quickly, before realizing that probably sounded very bad. “I mean- no. I- I don’t know. I… I don’t think he’d like me much after that. I mean, he’s fine with me being bi. I think. He’s fine with Rich, and he knows Michael likes guys, and- I don’t think it’s an issue with him not… supporting me. I just- I know that it’s different. If someone knows that you like them. It makes things… weird.”
Christine nudged him, grinning a bit. “I know you liked me. And it didn’t make things weird for me.”
“It’s- it’s different, when you like a straight guy.” Jeremy protested. He hadn’t really talked to anyone about his crush like this before. Michael definitely knew, but other than that? Jeremy didn’t have much hope for actual romance in his life. “I mean- it’s already weird enough, since he’s- one of my friends. And you dated him.”
“For like, two weeks. And Jere.” Christine led him into the park, linking her arm in his for a moment or two. “He’s a good guy. Even if he doesn’t like you back, it doesn’t mean he hates your guts. I mean, I don’t hate you, and I didn’t like you back then.”
Jeremy tried not to think too hard about how much hearing that Christine didn’t hate him made him want to cry. He didn’t quite believe her. “But- what if I tell him, and everything’s… ruined?” He couldn’t help his voice from cracking, just a little. “I just- it’s easier for me to not tell him.”
Especially with his plans. He momentarily contemplated telling Jake that he liked him. Then Jake could hate him and think he was perverted and gross, and then their friendship would fall apart, and then he could continue on- but that was stupid. As selfish as he felt, he wanted to keep Jake there as long as he could. He was nice to him. And it felt kind of pathetic to be so infatuated with him, but… he couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t give up the one good thing about this summer. And the other idea was just as horrifying. He couldn’t do that to Jake. Not with- he shook himself slightly. He had to stop getting into ruts like this.
“Sometimes. But, Jere.” Christine’s voice was gentle, so gentle Jeremy felt a little homesick. “He’s not going to hate you. He doesn’t hate you now. You being open about your feelings won’t make that any less true.”
Jeremy tried imagining telling Jake that he liked him. Then he imagined telling Jake all the thoughts in his head. How he felt awkward and alone and sad, all the time. About how he was so sickeningly obsessed with the idea of death, of dying, of just erasing himself from the earth. About his mom, and his past issues, and everything he’d dealt with. How he was planning on doing it. He’d taken the pills from his dad’s knee surgery, stashing them in his room. He’d started boxing up the things he wanted to give to his different friends. He’d made a fucking bucket list, for crying out loud. He imagined the look of pity and horror contorting Jake’s face, and his stomach felt like it was being clenched in a giant fist.
“I- I can’t do that. Not… not right now.” He said, feeling how the words were so thick in his mouth.
Christine let out a sigh, smiling softly. “You’ll figure it out, Jere.” She stopped them under a tree, looking around. After tossing her drink away in a nearby garbage can, she nodded. She stepped closer, tilting her head at him and smiling. “Here’s a good spot. I promise not to do it badly, I’ve got practice.”
Jeremy gave a small laugh, feeling awkward. “You- don’t have to do this. It’s kind of stupid, anyways, so-”
“Jeremy.” Christine’s hands settled on his face. “I’d rather your first kiss be with someone like me, who you at least kind of like, than with someone you hate. Consider this- a going away present.”
Jeremy bit back the urge to tell her just how true that was. Going away present. “I- okay.”
“Good.” She went on her toes, pressing her lips to his, her hands warm and soft on his face.
It wasn’t a bad kiss, exactly. But it felt more like kissing someone in middle school during a party game than anything real. As if he’d had any experience with that. Jeremy hadn’t been the type to believe in kisses that felt like sparks between anyone, but there had to be some sort of feeling there. And with Christine, kissing just felt… like smashing lips together and hoping for something less mediocre to happen.
It didn’t.
She pulled back after a few seconds, and Jeremy felt oddly thankful for it. “Did I win you over with my amazing kissing skills?” She said, grinning a little.
Jeremy shook his head, looking embarrassed. “I- no, but- it wasn’t bad, or anything, it just-”
“It just kind of… was?” Christine finished, giving a soft laugh. “I get it. I didn’t really feel anything, either.”
Jeremy couldn’t help but laugh at how silly this all was. “At least my first kiss didn’t go to someone I hated.” He said, before he stepped back, shoving his sweaty hands in his pockets.
“Sorry your first kiss couldn’t be with someone you loved, though.” Christine said softly. Her brown eyes were so soft, so kind, that Jeremy believed her. Which was hard to do. “I believe you’ll get that. Somewhere down the line.”
Jeremy wasn’t sure, but he nodded anyway, trying for a smile. “Sometime.”
They carried on down the path, until Jeremy found a bench. “I’m gonna sit here for a bit. But, um… thank you for everything, Chris.”
Christine leaned up, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek, before smiling at him. “Of course. I’d say anytime, but I don’t think kissing you is going to be added to my normal list of stuff to do. I’ve already gotta fake kiss one dude for a show.” She grinned a little. “You should come to the show, though. It’s near the end of summer, so if you’re not away at school by then, you should really come.”
Jeremy opened his mouth, trying to figure out what to say. Away at school. Right. “I’ll see what I can do.” He settled on, before waving at her as she walked away.
He wondered for a moment if he should tell Jake about the date. How would he say that it lasted maybe twenty minutes, most of it was spent talking about Jake himself, and it ended with a midtier kiss and an awkward goodbye? He decided to just check off the box, send a photo of it to Jake, and let him fill in the gaps.
After that, Jeremy sat, staring up at the trees above him, until he got bored of watching the same leaves flutter in the breeze, and he headed home.
His dad looked at him from the kitchen doorway when he passed. “You weren’t dropped off by that nice boy.”
Jeremy froze, turning to look at his dad, hand frozen on the railing. “Uh. What?”
“The boy with the truck. James?”
“Jake.” Even saying his name made Jeremy’s stupid heart flip over in his chest, like it was doing gymnastics. “He- we didn’t hang out today. It was me and Christine. Got coffee.”
“Oh.” His dad blinked in the way that told Jeremy that he clearly hadn’t been expecting that. “Well, it’s good that you’re hanging out with people other than Michael.” His dad’s voice was so awkward. Jeremy almost felt bad for him. “You know, it’s- you spend most of the day alone in your room, and… it’s just nice you’re getting out there.”
Jeremy felt sick, but he nodded. “Yeah. Um. It is.” He turned and made his way up the stairs to avoid saying anything more incriminating than that. He shut his door, leaning against it and shutting his eyes.
He checked his phone, even though he knew no one would text him. Not even Jake had responded with more than a thumbs up to his photo.
Jeremy didn’t bother texting anyone else. If he didn’t start conversations, he didn’t have to worry about being left on read. Or someone asking him something that was a little too on the nose. Might as well get them used to having him gone.
He shut his phone off, staring at the ceiling of his room.
Treacherously, his brain trailed back to thoughts of Jake. He tried to squash them down, but clearly, that wasn’t a possibility. Apparently, the two things his brain was focusing on were sad, angsty thoughts, and sappy romantic ones.
Jeremy would usually take the sappy ones over the sad ones. It was easier to fantasize about Jake’s hands cupping his face like Christine’s had, to think about what it would feel like if he’d been kissing him instead of her, than to think about how much he didn’t want to be alive.
Jake was good to him. Christine, too. And Michael. And Rich, and Brooke, and Jenna. But Jake made him want to feel alive.
The issue was, Jeremy wasn’t sure if he could feel like that anymore.
Despite himself, he fell asleep far earlier than intended, thinking about Jake.
He’d wake up feeling gross and disgusting in the morning, but for one night, he felt less horrible than he had in a while.