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She was twenty nine years old; and she ran a bakery downtown.
She knew your brother, Dirk, from college.
Her name was Jane Crocker, she made the best poundcake in town, and she wore heels as red as the blood of lesser men.
You are Dave Strider, and your brother is laughing at your reaction to Jane’s brand new jeans.
You are Dave Strider, and you are twenty years old and quite convinced that you can feel your pulse slowing down as Jane worriedly checks your forehead for a fever.
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You are Jane Crocker, and you’ve never been all THAT confident.
Well, until you went to college.
There is where you met Roxy, and Jake, and Dirk. They are absolutely your very best friends, and you love them to ushy-gushy bits and pieces.
You are Jane Crocker and you have recently learned that Dirk has a very attractive younger brother who is clearly much shyer than the elder Strider let on.
Poor thing hasn’t stopped blushing since you brought Dirk back from the monthly meet up; you both lived in the same building, so there was no point in taking two cars when one sufficed perfectly.
You are Jane Crocker, and you are making sure Dave doesn’t have a fever; poor boy!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
You are Dirk Strider, and this is the funniest shit you’ve seen in months.
You have carefully forced your face to remain stoic and impassive, merely raising an eyebrow as you watch Jane fret adorably over your little brother; she seems convinced he’s developed a fever.
You mentally laugh, the jackass bray of HA-HA echoing in the depths of your Marianas Trench mind as you note the rising blush on your brother’s face and notice that it increases in direct relation to the distance from Dave’s face to Jane’s ample bosom.
You are Dirk Strider, and you can admit that Jane is not bad looking in the fucking least.
However, you are Dirk Strider, and feel only viciously protective of your precious bouncing baker.
You are also laughing so hard at Dave it almost seems unfair; thankfully no one can hear your thoughts.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=
Dave coughed nervously, his leg twitching as Jane frowned at him, looking over his face.
“I can’t tell if your eyes look sleepy or not behind those silly sunglasses.”, she sighed before chuckling.
Dave choked briefly on air as he felt her hand slip over the back of his neck. He shivered, letting her move him as she saw fit and glaring at Dirk from the corner of his eye. Jane’s forehead pressed against his own, and shades and spectacles clicked softly together; cat eyes to aviators. A thousand scenarios flashes through Dave’s mind; he could kiss her right on those red-dabbed lips of hers that pursed in thought. He could put his hands on her hips, cocked at an angle so she could comfortably lean.
Or he could glance slightly down, mentally berating himself for sneaking a cheap peek down Jane’s blouse and biting back the whine at baby-blue lace.
“Jane, I think the kid’s fine.”
“He feels awfully warm; maybe I should whip something up-”
“Jane, if you start cooking I will be forced to keep you as my prisoner.”
“Oh my Dirk; its a tempting proposal.”, she cooed, before breaking into snickers as she straightened, “You’re probably right. We all remember the disaster that was Sophomore Finals Week.”
Dirk pulled a wry face, as Dave forced himself to breathe even, “Oh god, please. PLEASE do not remind me.”
“Alright, alright. I suppose I’ll simply gallivant off to my little domicile. However, would I be able to impose a hug goodbye on the dashing master of the house?”
Dirk snorted, rolling his eyes as he pulled the sharp-edged shades from his face and set them on the end-table, “I SUPPOSE Miss Crocker; you’re lucky you’re cute y'know. I don’t just go about hugging people and shit.”
Jane giggled like sunshine and summer clouds when Dirk wrapped his arms around her, lifting her in a hug that she returned fiercely and affectionately with a kiss to his cheek. Dirk looked to Dave, and grinned.
“C'mon bro; aintcha gonna hug the pretty lady?”
Jane giggled again like cherry candy and powdered sugar, “Please don’t hoist me about like your brother does, I’ve far too much wiggle for my jiggle to be swung about like a dance-hall dame.”
Dave remained quiet, merely stammering for a few seconds before he got to his feet with all the ungainly movements of a newborn giraffe. Jane cooed sweetly to him, opening her arms for a hug and smiling so wide her big blue eyes crinkled at the edges.
God she was far too cute. Dave could understand why Dirk protected her like a mountain lion with its young; something he himself was used to.
He smiled, cursing how shy it no doubt looked to her. She stood on tiptoe, plucking his glasses off quickly and setting them aside before once more standing nearly pointe to hug the tall youngest Strider. Dave buried his face into her shoulder, his arms going around her waist.
And she laughed.
“D-Dave careful! I’m quite ticklish!”, she squeaked, before Dirk grinned far too wide.
Dave felt his face go white as he realized that Jane very nearly hung from his lanky frame, standing on her toes in her high heeled shoes. Dirk struck like lighting, tickling over Jane’s plush sides and making her squeal and squirm. Dave bit hard on his lip, pleading with his eyes to Dirk.
Dirk relented after only a few moments, so Jane could regain her footing and release Dave to turn and pout grandly at her good friend.
“Come ON Dirk!”, she mock-whined, “He didn’t interfere with our chummy embrace, give him the same respect. And don’t try to knock me down with such tactics; I may be low to the ground, but I got a lot falling.”
“Not my fault that you are straight stacked like a deluxe Lego set, Jane.”
“DIRK!”, she scolded, but snickered all the same.
Dave glanced heavenward before she turned back to him, clearing her throat.
“Now, about that hug.”
“Right oh, Mama Jane.”, said Dave without thinking, before blushing vibrantly.
She blinked behind those cat eye glasses… before bursting into Soda Fountain bubbles of laughter.
“Ohhohohohoho hoooohoohoo oh Davey, Dave that was adorable!”, she said in her carbonated voice, “Say it again!”
“Say what Mama Jane?”, said Dave with a grin.
“Diiiirk! Dirk you didn’t tell me he could be adorable!”, she laughed, throwing her arms over Dave’s shoulders again and hugging him tightly.
Dave exhaled as her grip tightened, feeling each curve press against his leaner lines.
“He isn’t though Jane.”
“Oh that’s quite a load.”, she said once she pulled away from Dave, “He’s precious. Mama Jane, oh my goodness I love it. Dave, please call me that forever, could you?”
“I can most definitely do that.”, said Dave, almost too eagerly.
With a few more sweet goodbyes and smooches to Strider cheeks that left faint lipstick marks; Jane bustled out of the household with a click-clack of high heels and a sway of heavy hips. Dave couldn’t help but watch her leave until the door clicked closed behind her and he could drop back onto the couch he had been sitting on. Dirk had been toying with his cell phone, and set it upon the coffee table before looking to Dave in amusement.
“Bro. Bro why.”
“Whaddya mean dude.”
“Why would you allow that sultry minx of a hot mama to pull me close to so gloriously decorated a rib cage.”
“Man you have it bad for her bro.”
“Do you fucking blame me?”, asked Dave flatly, “Like, seriously bro, can you honestly look at Jane and hold me accountable for the fact she makes my dick stand to attention?”
“No, no I cannot. But I can laugh at it in the sanctity of my skull.”
“Oh you asshole.”
“Accurate.”
“…Oh my fucking god she likes it when I call her Mama Jane.”
“Dave, if you fetish that please don’t tell me okay. As much as I am all about open communications between brothers there is SOME shit-”
“Nah man. I’m not one for that kinda shit to be honest. Besides, I’m fucking sorry but if I was in Miz Jane’s bedroom I don’t think I’d be up for pet-names.”
“Why, to busy being hypnotized by the sway of her ass?”
“No, I’d make like fucking Jason; wear her like a hockey mask-”
“DAVE NO.”
“Go down like Arctic temperatures in midwinter man-”
“DAVID STRIDER DO NOT CONTINUE-”
“I’d evolve fucking GILLS before I’d come up for air I mean; seriously-”
“AGH DAVE I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU.”, complained Dirk as he held a pillow over his own head.
Dave continued, getting his verbose vengeance on his sibling.
“I mean come ON what better way for a Strider to die than between heavenly thighs with a handful of those damn HIPS-”
“DAVE OH MY FUCKING GOD SHE’S LIKE MY LITTLE SISTER SHUT UP.”
A low whump sounded out as Dirk hit his brother with the pillow, continuing the onslaught as Dave cackled like a madman. Dave had his hands over his head as Dirk walloped him several times with the pillow before easing up on his attack to glare at Dave.
“I’m givin’ you the same lecture I give anyone, male or female or otherwise stated, who dates Jane, alright? Do not think that because you are my little bro that you are exempt from a major ass-beating of religious proportions should you fuck up and break that girl’s heart okay?”
“Dude there is no way she is anywhere in my league, okay?”, said Dave in exasperation, “She is perched atop the fucking Pantheon of Babes and I am but a lowly mortal man deliriously following a woman blessed with the kind of backside that could start a war.”
“Dave-”
“She could save the world with a just a wiggle alright? Seriously let that girl go Marilyn Monroe at NATO and all world problems are solved-”
“DAVE-”
“I mean Jesus Christ Norman Rockwell called bro he’s missing his model; no, wait, Bacchus called okay fucking DIONYSUS HIMSELF just rang me up on the hotline asking if I’d perchance spotted a dark haired fucking Nymph of the Wood-”
“DAVID.”
Dave jerked out of his headspace, blinking owlishly and sighing an apology before Dirk snorted in laughter. The younger Strider pouted grandly, crossing his arms over his chest as Dirk spluttered into snorts and snickers at him. Dave plucked at the record design on his shirt, feeling his face heat in another blush until Dirk nudged his with an elbow.
“Dave.”
“What?”
“Dave you love your brother right.”
“Yeah, when he’s not a dick.”, said Dave in suspicion, “Why, what did you do.”
Dirk glanced at the phone on the table, and Dave went pale as death before he snatched his brother’s phone to the sound of Dirk laughing outrageously, snorting as he tried to wheeze a breath every so often.
The screen flashed: “Jane: Duration: 10:55”
The clock was still counting.
“J-Jane?”, said Dave in a strained voice.
“Uh-uhm, yes Dave, its me. Dirk called me a little while ago and I’ve said hello about a dozen times to be sure; however I couldn’t help but hear your little rant-”
“…Oh my god I am so sorry I’ll go kill him for you.”
“No! No, that won’t be necessary; go ahead and rough him up a bit though. Rude to make a gal wait.”
“Gladly.”, growled Dave, glaring at his brother with eyes like hellfire.
Jane cleared her throat, “H-However, on another note, I don’t see why we couldn’t do dinner and a movie sometime; it’s not exactly being neck deep in my skirts but-”
“Just… forget all the gross pathetic white-boy whining I just did.”, sighed Dave, “Dinner and a movie sounds fantastic. What time you want me to come by? I don’t wanna intrude or anything.”
“Seven is always good for me… how about you?”
“Seven p.m.? Perf; how about Saturday at seven, yeah?”
“Fantastic! It’s a date. I’ll see you this Saturday at seven Dave. Punch your brother for me.”
There was a clicking noise as Jane hung up, and Dave narrowed his eyes at Dirk.
“I’m fucking dead aren’t I-”
“Oh you’re so fucking dead like deader than dead RUN BRO.”
Dirk nearly cackled as he darted away, Dave on his heels.