Goldfish

It is said that a goldfish has a memory of seven seconds.

1

Pete was pretty sure that he was being stalked.

First it was on his way to get a curry takeaway. He had a feeling that someone was watching him from behind. But when he turned around, no one was there.

Pete never saw himself as a superstitious person. But Porsche, his friend, reminded him: “It’s really weird man. Shouldn’t you get an amulet or something from the temple?”

Pete disregarded him.

But weird things occurred one after another.

He started to find wounds on his body. Wrists, neck, even chest. Sometimes they were bruises, purple and blue. He thought he must have banged on something in his sleep. Then there were cuts, done clearly by a knife. He hadn’t injured himself during the day, could it be a vicious trick by someone?

He asked Porsche if he had done it. The latter rolled up his eyes, “who the hack would stay up just to cut you? Besides Kinn’s bedroom is far away from the bodyguard dormitory.”

Pete fell deep in thought. Porsche now lived with Khun Kinn, and was indeed unlikely to come visit every day. Could it be others then? Arm? Pol? He lived by himself, anyone could have come.

He turned to other bodyguards that he could think of. He even went to Khun Tankhun, but no one admitted to have done it.

The wounds continued to increase. Pete could stand it no more and kept his eyes open for an entire night, hoping to catch the criminal. But s/he didn’t show up. At least there were no new wounds on his body.

He went back to sleep the following night, only to wake up and find new wounds on his body again. This time they were not cuts, but ligature marks. His wrists seemed to have been rubbed by a coarse rope. The skin was swollen and burned when being touched.

He stayed up for another night. No one showed up. As it went, Pete became hyper-sensitive and fragile. He stayed up until dawn every day for fear that someone would break into his room. As he lost sleep, though, the wounds on his body reduced.

2

Pete stands on the lawn, watching Khun Tankhun feeding his beloved fancy carps. He fixes his eyes on the fishpond, on the shoal of fish swimming deftly, competing for food in the squared basin. He suddenly remembers something.

Could it be the person who stalked him earlier? But who is s/he? How come s/he can enter the major clan as s/he wishes?

“Pete——I want banana pancake from that shop behind the Siam Square.”

“Pete!!” Khun Tankhun yells at him in anger.

He startles. “Yes, Khun Noo, what is it?”

“What are you mind-wandering about! I said, I want the banana pancake from that shop behind the Siam Square! Go get ten for me!”

“Ten pancakes?” Pete retorts subconsciously, “Are you even able to finish them Khun Noo?”

Tankhun hits his head, raising his jaw arrogantly, “I do what I want. Besides, I can give the rest to you if I can’t finish.”

“Yayy,” Arm nods excitedly, “that pancake’s my favorite.”

Regardless of his concern over being spied on, Pete follows Khun’s order. He gets the pancakes and walks back home alone. The pair of eyes appears again behind his back, glaring. It disturbs him. He turns abruptly, only to catch a blurry figure at the turn of the alley. He rushes over, but the figure has already disappeared.

Feeling scared, he yells intuitively “Who?! Who’s there!!”

The alley is empty, and completely silent aside from his own echo.

Pete returns tensed up, without even noticing the pancake Tankhun hands to him.

He goes back to the dorm straight away, throwing his bag on the couch. Something spills out of the opened tote. Pete walks over. It’s a cup of instant noodle from MAMA, his favorite.

He feels a shiver crawling up his spine.

He’s sure that he hasn’t stopped by the supermarket, let alone getting a cup of instant noodles. Then… how did it end up in his bag, and by whom?

Could it be the person who stalked him?

He recalls putting his bag on the bench in the pancake shop to get the pancakes. Did someone put it in his bag then?

The thought terrifies him. What does this person want? Is s/he an enemy of the major clan? Or just a pervert? He’d like to think of the person as some kind of scopophilic psychopath. He’d prefer taking him/her on himself than causing any trouble to the major clan.

In the end, he unpacks the wrapping, and boils the noodles. It’s not poisoned. Just a cup of delicious instant noodles. But as he eats it, something flashes in his mind, like an invisible force tugging at him.

Eating instant noodles finishes you off easily.

This line comes up out of nowhere. But he feels severe nausea from the pit of his stomach. Startled, Pete spills the noodle soup on the floor, gasping for air, and only recovers after a long while.

3

Porsche notices Pete’s neuroticism lately as well. He drags Pete to the temple during work break. On their way Pete looks backward every now and then. He could again feel the pair of eyes behind. The person stalking him is back.

“You must just be tired lately,” Porsche is extremely muddled, “I didn’t see anyone this whole time.”

Pete’s voice sounds coarse, he trembles, words coming out of his throat broken, “I’m not lying. There’s really someone behind me.”

Porsche gazes at Pete concernedly. He pats Pete on the shoulder, “Don’t worry, Pete. I promise no one is following us.”

“But…” Pete is interrupted by Porsche’s ringtone.

Porsche picks up the phone, “What’s the matter Kinn? I told you I’m coming to the temple with Pete to pray for blessings…What? When? Haven’t I given you the list of names already… Geez fine, wait for me and I’ll be there soon.”

Porsche turns to Pete, guilt written all over his face. He puts his palms together, “I’m so sorry Pete, some work came up. I need to help Kinn out and may not be able to accompany you.”

Pete understands. He smiles at Porsche, “No worries. You go ahead, I can do this by myself.”

Porsche nods, still worrying about Pete. He tries to console him, “Praying for blessings will make you better Pete, trust me.”

Having bid Porsche goodbye, Pete walks in the temple. Being alone, the sense of being watched and peeped at gets stronger. Even as he kneels down, listening to the monk’s sermon, the gaze persists.

Pete could only force his attention on the sermon. He has never been so dedicated to making merits. He hopes that praying will appease his mind. Or maybe he has indeed been overly sensitive lately to have the illusion of being stalked? When the sermon’s finished, he stands up to pour the holy water. The voice of a stranger sounds in his ears.

“We make merits together, and give alms together. So next life we’ll get to see each other again.”

Pete turns around abruptly. A man stands behind him since he doesn’t know when. He wears a patterned black shirt, hair parted to the side. He has angular features. His facial expression betrays no emotion.

Pete is startled by the man. He frowns, “Excuse me, do I know you?”

“Hello, my name is Vegas.”

Pete watches him stretching out his hand, mind blank, and only holds it several seconds later.

“What did you mean just now?”

Vegas smiles, “Nothing. You should go and return the jug, Pete.”

Pete is stunned.

“How did you know my name?”

Vegas suddenly comes closer, whispering in his ear, “I know not only your name, but everything about you, Pete.”

Pete feels numbness running down his spine. He pushes the man away, and walks back inside the hall swiftly. When he comes outside again, this Vegas guy is nowhere to be seen.

He goes straight back to home, and locks himself in the dorm. The voice and facial expressions of Vegas keep flashing in his head. Pete suspects that he is the person who has been stalking him this whole time.

But he doesn’t know this Vegas. From the way he speaks, Vegas apparently knows him and his affairs. Pete gets cold sweat. He feels being surveilled even as he wraps himself up in blanket. That gaze is like sunlight surrounding him. He buries his head beneath the cloth, eyes shut, only then does he feel a sense of security.

4

Kinn also notices his situation. After the general meeting, Pete is detained. Kinn looks at him with concern. In Pete’s memory Kinn has never looked at him that way.

“Is there anything I can do, Khun Kinn?”

“Pete, Porsche told me that you’re not in a good mood of late. I also feel you’re not in your best state. Why don’t you take a leave, go back to your hometown and rest for a while? I’ll give you a week of leave-of-absence, now that there’s not much going on.”

He pauses, then adds hesitantly, “If there’s anything on your mind, don’t suppress it. Feel free to talk to us.”

Pete nods. He’s not accustomed to this version of Khun Kinn, but still feels grateful for his attentiveness. Pete thinks it over, and decides nonetheless to keep the Vegas incident to himself.

The following day Khun Kinn books him a flight back to Chumphon. The last time Pete went back home was months ago. He still remembers how grandma made a big scene out of it. He’s glad that this time it’s a last-minute plan. His grandparents are startled by his sudden arrival.

“I thought you were fired by Khun for misbehaving at work.”

Pete laughed resignedly, “Am I that bad, grandma, to make you think I got fired?”

Grandma flicks Pete’s forehead, “You little monkey, grandma’s just been worrying about you. Anyway, you suddenly came back, grandma has no time at all to prepare. Gotta cook some really good food for you, otherwise you’ll despise grandma.”

Watching grandma busying herself with chore, Pete smiles lightheartedly. Coming back’s the right decision. He no longer feels himself being watched.

Yet the peace lasts only one day. The following day as he runs errands to town for grandma, Pete finds himself tailed again.

Pete almost breaks down. This person even follows him to Chumphon. What exactly does he want from him?!

At least it’s quite crowded in town, Pete feels less stressed. He gets the grocery and decides to have lunch at a curry booth he comes across. The shopkeeper serves him southern curry on rice. Pete is about to devour the dish when he senses a shadow overhead.

Pete rolls up his eyes and sees a familiar face. It’s Vegas.

Pete stares at him on alert. The man takes no notice, and sits opposite him. He asks Pete, staring at the reddish dish, “This color’s weird, no?”

Pete answers the question with more questions, “Who are you exactly? Why are you following me? What do you want?”

The man smiles at him again: “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna hurt you. (Originally in English)”

Such a show-off. Pete mutters to himself.

“If I want anything,” Vegas stares at Pete’s face, adding pronouncedly, “that would be yourself, Pete.”

What does that supposed to mean? Pete is muffled. Does he want to murder me? But he’s just a mediocre bodyguard, with neither asset nor power, what is it that he wants in him?

Vegas seems to read through Pete’s mind. “I want your body. I want your heart.”

Pete couldn’t believe his ears. He stares at Vegas, stunned. The man, however, starts to examine the curry dish.

He picks up the spoon in front of Pete, scoops a spoonful, and smells it a bit before putting it in his mouth.

Pete watches his face turning red, and realizes that the southern curry might be too spicy for him.

“I assume you’re not a southerner. The curry here’s really spicy. Average people can’t take it.” Pete can hardly hold back his laughter.

Vegas hisses because of the pungency, struggling to hold his demeanor, “Not bad, not bad.”

Pete bursts out laughing. The man looks grim and serious, only to lose his self-control over a spoonful of spicy curry. Pete feels that he’s not that suspectable after all.

“You can’t stand it, stop straining yourself.”

Vegas shakes his head suddenly, face stern: “I’ll get used to it.”

Pete couldn’t reply but to bury his head in the dish. Fortunately, Vegas makes no further comments.

He just sits opposite Pete, watching him finish the entire curry dish.

When Pete walks back from the counter, Vegas has disappeared again. He comes and goes like a shadow, talking nonsense. Yet for some reason, Pete seems to have rid of his initial fear, and feels more at ease with the presence of this person.

Pete casts about for Vegas, wondering why, now that he’s already presented himself, would he remain a stalker.

Couldn’t discern his whereabouts, Pete picks up the grocery and heads home, feeling a bit loss. He walks past a booth selling goldfish. Unlike Khun Tankhun’s fancy carps, the goldfish here are only finger-sized. They are kept in the round fish tank, red tails wiggling, moving around the cramped space. Pete stops by the booth, watching the goldfish swimming tirelessly, round and round again. He seems enchanted.

“Do you like it? Get one for yourself.” Pete traces the voice. Vegas appears again out of nowhere, standing beside him.

Pete shakes his head. Nevermind, he’ll have to keep them in Chumphon. Apparently goldfish can’t take a flight, plus he’s not keen to raise any.

Vegas does not vanish this time. He accompanies Pete home.

Pete drives while peeking at the man in the passenger’s seat. Vegas rests his chin on his hand, leaning on the windowsill. He looks at the scenery outside, facial expression undetectable.

Pete is anxious to say something to break the silence.

“…How did you know me?”

“Through work.”

“Work? Is there any overlap in our work? It doesn’t ring a bell to me.”

“We’re not in the same camp. It’s normal that you don’t remember.”

Not in the same camp? Pete ponders over the line. Is Vegas from the secondary clan? But nothing comes to mind however hard Pete recollects his memory.

“Drop me off at the crossroad ahead.” Vegas cuts in.

“You won’t come to my place?” Pete asks subconsciously.

He doesn’t realize how weird it is inviting a man he barely knows to his place, especially when he’s a suspect-able stalker.

“There will be ample time.”

Pete parks by the side of the road. He turns around to bid Vegas goodbye, only to be startled by the face that draws closer. Vegas stares at him, eyes brimming with emotions. Pete doesn’t know what to make of it, yet somehow the demeanor weighs on him.

The gaze is unbearably stifling.

Vegas touches on Pete’s cheek, rubbing his skin gently, and let go a moment later.

He whispers, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Pete.”

5

That night, Pete has a dream for the first time in what seems an eternity. In the dream Vegas locks him in a room. He is pushed down by Vegas, who marches in his body, non-stop. His cries for help, but couldn’t make a sound.

The man kisses his lips, the side of his neck. He whispers in his ears, breath wet and burning.

Will you take me, Pete?

Stay with me here, Pete.

I love you, Pete.

He wakes up with a start, body drenched in sweat. Vegas’s bewitching voice echoes in his ears. Pete holds himself tight. He should feel scared, but somehow he doesn’t shrink from the dream. It feels like… he has been doing that with Vegas for countless of times. He gasps painfully, yet in pain a sense of pleasure surfaces.

In the morning, showing up with dark circles around his eyes, Pete is unsurprisingly scolded by grandma.

“Told you to rest, not to stay up late playing video games.”

Pete makes excuses that he just couldn’t sleep.

Grandma exhorts him, “why don’t you go see your friends, now that you’re back? Don’t lock yourself in the bedroom.”

Pete clings to grandma’s arm, smiley faced and eyes innocent: “But I just want to stay by grandma’s side.”

“Such a glib talker,” grandma pinches the tip of Pete’s nose indulgently, “come to the farm with grandma then and help grandma out.”

It turns out that Pete is only able to uproot some weeds before discharged by grandma and ordered to sit beneath the shack. A young man like him can no longer work in the field. Pete feels the breeze, leaning against the bench back, one leg over the other, dangling. He caught a familiar figure out of the corner of his eye.

“Vegas?” Pete quickens his steps, stunned after seeing the features of the man, “what are you doing here?”

“I said yesterday that ‘I will see you tomorrow.’”

Pete doesn’t ask how he finds him. The man even follows him to his hometown, this would be as easy as falling off a log.

“Wanna take a bit of walk?” asks Pete.

Vegas nods, and the next second grabs Pete by the hand. Pete startles, looking at Vegas bewildered. Vegas raises one of his eye brows, “I’m worried that you’ll be lost.”

Pete can’t help laughing: “Come on, I’m at my own place. You should be the one who gets lost.”

Vegas rubs his palm lightly, “I won’t lose my way. Wherever you are, I will find you.”

Pete blushes by his flirtations. He turns his head away uneasily, “Stop talking gibberish.”

Vegas obeys. He just holds Pete’s hand, walking all along silently. Although still suspicious about the uninvited guest, Pete finds Vegas with no ill intention. He just arrives in his life, and talks nonsense, by which Pete doesn’t feel pissed whatsoever.

For the first time he becomes curious of the other man’s world.

“How exactly did you know me? I tried so hard last night but still can’t remember you.”

“I’m from the secondary clan.”

“The secondary clan? Are you a bodyguard? I don’t recall ever seen you,” Pete tilts his head, thinking, “You must be a newbie. How long have you worked there? Everything goes well?”

“Pete,” Vegas cuts him off, “are you 100,000 Whys or what?”

Pete looks at his weary expression, and bursts into laughter.

“I just want to get to know you, man. You said you know everything about me. I should at least know something out of courtesy.”

Vegas rubs his hair gently, “What do you want to know? There’ll be enough opportunities.”

Pete remembers something. He presses Vegas: “You are the one following me, aren’t you?”

Vegas doesn’t reply. He looks Pete in the eyes for a long while, and says out of the blue, “Are you hungry, Pete?”

“What?” Pete is muffled.

He replies intuitively, “I’m not hungry.”

Some scenes flash across his mind, too quick for him to grasp. Pete stares at Vegas for a dozen of seconds, before opening his mouth slowly, “I want instant noodles.”

I’m hungry, Vegas.

I couldn’t go to cook MAMA for you right now, Pete…be patient. [from original fiction]

He gets a splitting headache all of a sudden. Who, who is it? Who said it, and why is it in his memory? Pete covers his temples painfully, squatting down. His vision is blurring. He looks up at Vegas, attempting to call for help, but couldn’t make a sound in severe pain. The world in front of him turns into darkness.

6

“Kid, are you okay, kid?” Grandma’s voice drifts in his ears.

In pain, Pete opens his eyes slowly, and sees the anxious faces of his grandparents.

“You’re finally awake, little Pete! You scared Grandma so much.”

“What happened to me?” Pete asks.

“You passed out. Aunt Jiw found you and took you home.”

He remembers something, clenching Grandma’s arm anxiously, “What about Vegas? Where has he gone?”

“V…V what? What are you talking about Pete?”

“My friend. His name is Vegas. Has Grandma seen him?”

Grandma shakes her head. “I don’t think so. It was only yourself when Jiw found you.”

Pete falls silent. Has Vegas disappeared again? Or maybe he has just left for someone to come at my rescue? Pete can’t stop wondering. But the more he thinks, the more his head aches. Seeing him frowning, Grandma concernedly stops him from thinking too much.

“You must be too tired lately. Take a good rest, kid.”

Grandpa and Grandma leave his bedroom, but he couldn’t fall back to sleep. He vaguely recalls his conversation with Vegas before passing out, and the strange words that popped into his mind. He feels himself forgetting something extremely important, something to do with him and Vegas.

Fortunately, his headache is gone by the nighttime. But he still couldn’t fall asleep. He tosses and turns in bed, countless questions tugging at his nerves. Suddenly, he hears the window lock being lifted. Pete sits up guarded, staring at the direction where the sound comes from. Could it be a thief?

And he sees Vegas’s face.

Pete is too stunned to move. Only when Vegas lifts the window and strides in the room does Pete wake up from his shock and rush off his bed to Vegas.

“Why are you here, Vegas? How did you know where I live?” He asks in a low voice.

Vegas caresses his head, “You passed out. I’m worried about you.”

“I didn’t see you when I woke up. I didn’t know where you’ve gone to or where to find you.”

Vegas doesn’t say anything. He suddenly holds Pete in his arms, resting his jaw on Pete’s shoulder.

Silently, he remains like that for a while, before replying: “I told you, remember? I will come to find you, wherever you are.”

“You are indeed very weird.” Pete complains again.

“You know, Pete, when I saw you falling to the ground, I was so afraid that I would lose you.” Vegas’s voice shakes.

Being held by Vegas, Pete feels that he can taste the fear and worry of Vegas too.

“I think I’ve forgotten something, Vegas. But however hard I try, I still can’t remember.” Pete says, feeling defeated.

Vegas caresses the back of Pete’s neck gently, over and over again, “For certain things, you’ll remember then when you’re ready to.”

Pete hesitates, and asks, “Vegas… is there anything going on between us?”

“We were once in love, Pete.”

Vegas’s words strike Pete like a thunder. He can hardly believe his ears. Pete turns to Vegas “We were lovers? But why can’t I remember anything?”

“Pete, whatever you want to know, just ask me. I will tell you everything.”

Pete feels his head aching again. His heart races. He knows that he shouldn’t believe what this man says so easily. He knows that this Vegas has so many mysteries. But at this very moment, as he leans against Vegas’s chest, feeling his tone of reassurance, he feels a load has been taken off his mind. He feels the warmth of Vegas’s body, savoring the moment, unwilling to let go.

The body won’t lie.

That night, Vegas shares the same bed with Pete. It should be the first time Pete has ever slept by Vegas’s side, but that sense of deja-vu is again present. Pete realizes that he’s suspiciously familiar with anything to do with Vegas. He listens to Vegas talking about their past, until sleep strikes him.

The following morning, when Pete wakes up from his dream, the side of the bed besides him is empty. Has Vegas disappeared again? Pete becomes anxious, and rushes out of the room with no time to change out of his pajamas.

“Grandma, have you seen Vegas?”

Grandma is preparing for breakfast. Hearing Pete’s voice, she turns around, confused, “Is that V-something again? I’ve stayed at home this whole time. I didn’t see anyone.”

Pete goes back to his bedroom, feeling low. He sits on the bed. His fingertips can still sense the warmth of Vegas’s body. He feels his heart stuffed like a doll with cotton balls. He lets out a heavy sigh, but it doesn’t help.

Deep down he knows that he starts to feel attached to Vegas.

7

The cool sea wind brushes Pete’s hair. He walks barefooted on the beach. The scattered gravel pinches the arch of his feet. He ponders over grandma’s exhorting him to rest in bed and can’t help smiling. Just one day ago, she had scorned him for shutting himself in.

He gazes at the several fish boats drifting on the sea, and suddenly misses Vegas.

He goes out and wanders around in the hope of meeting Vegas, but he never shows up. Pete feels anxious. This man has slept by his side the previous night, yet has again vanished. He thinks of what Vegas said last night, about how they two got to know and fell in love with each other.

Even with Vegas’s cue, he couldn’t recall anything. Vegas said that Pete knew him through a task at the secondary clan, during which they became familiar to each other, and fell in love. But Pete got amnesia due to an accident. He went back to the major clan, and forgot everything about the secondary clan, including his lover Vegas.

Pete can’t tell how much authenticity there is in Vegas’s testimony. Why no one in the major clan knows about it? And how come they never tell him anything? The beach is quite empty. Pete’s anxiety grows. He can’t help thinking about Vegas. For no particular reason. He just knows that seeing Vegas would appease his mind.

“Pete.”

Someone’s calling. Pete turns around. He blinks, and cracks a big smile. It’s Vegas. He rushes toward him.

“Why are you so mysterious? You could have told me before leaving.” Pete complains, without even noticing his own tone.

“Don’t worry. I won’t leave.” Vegas consoles him.

“Do let me know next time you go. I’m worried about you.”

Hearing this, Vegas suddenly gets closer, with a cunning smile on his face, “Will you be worried when I’m not around? Does that mean that you care about me?”

Pete raises his hand and pushes Vegas’s face aside. He blushes, “You wish.”

His face is touched by something soft. Pete startles, and turns around in disbelief. A complacent smile appears on Vegas’s face.

“Vegas! How dare you sneak-kiss me!!” Pete yells at Vegas, covering his face in embarrassment and agitation.

“This is your punishment for not telling the truth.” Vegas smirks.

Being seen through, Pete refutes in embarrassment, “Not-telling-the-truth my ass!!”

Vegas laughs out loud. The radiant smile on his usually stern face seems strangely harmonious. Pete looks at that smile, and can’t help laughing himself.

For a moment Pete believes that he and Vegas are truly lovers. Otherwise why would his feel the wholehearted happiness as he does now on seeing Vegas’s smile?

Maybe, as Vegas said, he’ll remember when he’s ready to. Looking at Vegas’s face, he couldn’t help holding out his arms and hugs him.

“I’ve forgotten a lot of things, Vegas. You’ll need to remind me from time to time.”

“Yes.”

“Don’t appear nor disappear all of a sudden.”

“Yes.”

“I love you.”

“Yes… What?”

Vegas is stunned. He holds up Pete’s face, couldn’t believe his ears: “Say that again?”

“You had your chance.” Pete replies, mouth pouted.

Vegas smiles. He looks Pete intently in the eyes, and asks, “Can I kiss you, Pete?”

The sea in Chumphon heaves with rolls of wave, which break on the shore, leaving sounds of splash. They stand, back to the sea, the vast forest ahead, with luxuriant shades of green.

Pete hears himself say: “Yes.”

8

Coming back from Chumphon, Pete gets obviously better.

“Somebody’s had a good rest during vacation.” Porsche looks Pete up and down enviously.

Kinn, holding a glass of liquor, happens to walk past him. Sensing the cue, he stops, smiling in embarrassment, “If you want, Porsche, I can definitely organize one for you.”

Porsche rolls his eyes. “Forget about it. The family will shut down without me. How do I dare, someone’s gonna bombard me with calls.”

Looking at Porsche’s face, clearly worn-out from overwork, Pete gives a laugh. “I’ll help you out, now that I’m back.”

Porsche stares at Pete’s lovely smiley face, couldn’t help running his hands over him, “Why are you so considerate Pete? Let’s be together, I’ll dump Kinn.”

Kinn grumbles at their back. Pete looks at their squabbles become grapple, and shakes his head resignedly.

At that moment he misses Vegas badly.

Ever since Vegas left Chumphon earlier for some affairs, Pete hasn’t been able to see him. He was planning to pay him a visit as soon as he came back, but Khun Tankhun has been clinging to him all day every day, and sometimes asks him to watch series with him for an entire night. He can hardly spare himself, and only manages to text Vegas every day before bedtime.

Pete watches Vegas sending through a meme, eye-smiling. It is a cat being caressed by the jaw, with a line “remember to have a good meal.”

He searches in his tab, and replies with another meme of a cat saluting.

Pete thinks maybe he’ll have more spare time soon. But he is wrong. He finds himself too occupied to even send Vegas a message. Something goes wrong with a batch of products that belongs to the major clan. Khun Kinn sends him to look into the matter. He’s too tied up, and one day can’t help complaining to Porsche.

Porsche gives him a glimpse, and replies casually, “are you complaining to me that you’re overstretched? I seriously doubt that you’re boasting man.”

Pete doesn’t know what to say.

“Besides, you worked like crazy back then, and hardly even slept. This much is no big--” Porsche stops abruptly, a sense of regret crosses his face. He scratches his hair, and opens his mouth only a while later, “I say, I need to go. There’s something I need to look into.”

Odd.

Pete thinks that if he still can’t see Vegas, their relationship wouldn’t even be qualified as online dating, but only a relationship in imagination.

Vegas shows up unexpectedly. Going back to his room after a day’s work, Pete sees Vegas sitting in the living room. He can barely hold his voice.

“Vegas! When did you arrive?” Pete rushes to Vegas, stretching his arms around his waist, and remembering something, letting go again. “Wait, how did you get in the major clan?”

“I was here for work, and thought I’d drop by and see how you’re doing.” He rubs Pete’s head. His voice filled with longing.

“So, did you miss me?” Pete stares at Vegas, borrowing his tone when he teased him earlier.

But Vegas does not choose to lie like he did.

And Pete remains the one to chew over the embarrassment.

He despises himself for being so reserved to receive Vegas’s affection. Determined, he wraps his arms around Vegas’s neck and kisses him on his lips. Pete lets his body melts into to Vegas. He feels the warmth of Vegas’s body, breathing in his scent.

That night Vegas stays with Pete in his room. Pete leans against Vegas’s shoulder. His biological clock ticks, urging him to go to sleep, but his mind resists with all might. Pete becomes nervous for some unnamable reasons.

“What’s the matter, can’t sleep?” Vegas is awake too.

“No,” Pete holds Vegas’s hand tight, “I’m afraid that you’re gonna disappear again next morning.”

Vegas lowers his head to kiss Pete’s hair, reassuring him, “I won’t, sleep now.”

Vegas’s voice is so soft. If it weren’t for the fact that Vegas is lying right next to him, Pete would think Vegas is a wisp of smoke, dissipating any second.

Noticing his uneasiness, Vegas gets off bed, and gets his laptop. “How about a movie, if you are not sleepy?”

He watches series with Khun Noo day in and day out and becomes almost blind. When he finally gets to spend some time with Vegas, this is what they are doing.

This is what’s on his mind. But he hears himself saying, “Sure. What do you want to watch? Horror?”

“No way, I’m scared.”

Pete ridicules him, “Seriously Vegas, are you afraid of ghosts?”

“I’m just worried that you’re gonna cry in my arms.”

Pete throws over a pillow as a protest, which is caught by Vegas.

“How about this, have you watched it?”

Pete draws his face near the monitor. It’s Coco. Of course, he thinks, so many times. He could almost remember the lines.

But he says, “No, I haven’t.”

Vegas smiles. “Great, I’ve never watched it either. I always wanted to.”

He clicks on the file. The familiar prologue unfolds with the fading in of music. Pete couldn’t remember exactly when he first watched this film, with Khun Tankhun perhaps. It’s a tender animation. Pete keeps on watching it every now and then. He has no idea why he likes it so much, almost like an obsession.

Pete falls asleep halfway through the film.

He dreams again. He has been dreaming quite often of late. He sees Vegas. He sees himself being locked by a chain, leaning on Vegas’s chest. A laptop placed in front of the two of them. He’s startled by the scene. He wants to do something, but he’s just an onlooker, witnessing the going-on between this Pete and Vegas.

He hears himself asking Vegas: “Do you know whom this guitar belongs to?”

He sees they two arguing about him being a spoiler. The scene is all too familiar but all too strange. Vegas stops him with a kiss. He wakes up from a start.

The room is empty aside from himself. Vegas has disappeared again.

The screen flashes with blue light. The story about the boy has almost come to an end. He sings with a guitar, the familiar melody flowing in Pete’s ears.

Remember me

Though I have to say goodbye

Remember me

Don't let it make you cry

For even if I'm far away

I hold you in my heart

Pete touches on his cheeks. They are wet. Why is he crying?

9

Khun Tankhun is letting off steam again. Pete stands beside him, listening to him arguing with Porsche. To be more accurate, it’s a one-way exportation.

“Eh Porsche!! Are you having trouble with my fish? Why, why did you kill my fish again!!!”

Porsche looks ashamed. He tries to defend himself in a low voice, “I didn’t mean it. I was just trying to feed them a bit of snacks.”

“A bit?? You call that a bit?? You threw the entire pack of fish food in the pond! You stuffed my fish to death!!!” Tankhun waves his fists and is about to kick Porsche before Pete and Arm stop him with all their might. The farce is only put to an end when Khun Kinn arrives.

Pete is sent to buy new fish by Khun Noo. “Remember, I want the prettiest, the unique ones. Money’s not an issue. It’s on Kinn’s credit card.” Thinking of Khun Tankhun’s request, Pete bends over, and looks through the glass the fish swimming. Multiple variants of fancy carps are displayed for their potential buyers. Pete’s attention is once again drawn away by a school of goldfish.

“Excuse me, could you pack this goldfish for me?” A man suddenly shows up beside him. He bents over as Pete does, pointing at a goldfish with black spots on its head. The navy-blue glow of the water projects on the man’s stern face, and sparkles as ripples appear on the water surface.

“Vegas.” Pete holds his pinky.

“Pete, do you think that these goldfish know we are watching them?” Vegas asks, staring at the fish in front of them.

Pete shooks his head, “I don’t know.”

“I think so. But maybe they’ll forget. Isn’t it said that a goldfish has a memory of only seven seconds?”

Vegas hands the bag with the goldfish to Pete, “This is for you.”

Seeing this extra goldfish when he’s back, Tankhun asks casually, “What are buying this goldfish for Pete, you want to raise it?”

“Vegas gave it to me.” Pete replies semi-consciously, pouring the fish into the new fish tank he just bought.

Tankhun falls silent.

Pete looks up when he’s done settling the fish, and finds Tankhun staring at him with a strange expression.

“What’s the matter, Khun Noo?”

Tankhun gathers himself together, and shooks his head, “No, nothing.”

Unconcerned, Pete carefully holds up the fish tank and heads back to his dorm. Khun Tankhun suddenly calls after his name.

His voice is shaky, as if trying to hold something back. “Pete… Do you know who Vegas is?”

10

In the clinic, Pete sits there waiting. He's a bit nervous, one of his hands gripping his other wrist unconsciously, and his grip tightening without him even knowing. Only after red marks emerged on his pale wrist does Pete let loose.

Behind him the door is pushed open. A man in white shirt walks to his front and sits down. The man smiles politely: “Pete, right? I’m Mok. You can call me Dr. Mok.”

Pete smiles back, asking in confusion: “Dr. Mok, were you and Khun Kinn talking about me? Is there anything wrong with me?”

Dodging his question, Dr. Mok picks a sheet of paper from the desk and handed it to him.

“Pete, would you fill this chart before we get started?”

Pete, though still confused, picks up the pen and starts filling. He doesn’t know why, since Khun Tankhun asked him about Vegas the other day, Porsche, Arm, Khun Kinn and even Khun Kong all came to him, asking about nothing else but how he got to know Vegas. And first thing this morning, Khun Kinn brought him to the hospital.

Halfway through the chart, Pete notices something wrong with it. Why do the questions on the chart seem to indicate that he has mental problems?

Agitated without any particular reason, Pete stops, raises his head, looking at the person in front of him and asks hesitantly: “Am I… ill?”

Dr. Mok does not give a clear-cut answer, smiling: “No. We just want to know more about your conditions. It does not mean you are ill.”

Pete finishes the chart, at which Dr. Mok stares for a long time before standing up and walking out of the room. Agitation grows in Pete. He cannot stop his mind from wandering, yet nothing conclusive comes to him.

Muffled conversation comes from outside the door, Pete stares, and walks toward that direction the next second. He leans on the wall and the voice becomes clearer.

“From this chart, I cannot but suspect that he is suffering from dysthymia and tendency of self-harm.”

“What do you mean?”

“I noticed when he was filling the chart that he has red marks and scars from knife cuts on his wrists. They are not necessarily his doings of course. But they match with what we have in this chart. Those with dysthymia tend to hurt themselves.”

“Pete… he did complain about the wounds on his body some days ago. We all thought it was someone’s prank.” Kinn’s says in an increasingly shaking voice.

“Besides, I cannot be sure if Pete is living with schizophrenia. But if he is seeing someone already dead in his imagination, it is likely the case.”

Pete’s eyes widened at the sentence, looking at their direction in disbelief. What does Dr. Mok mean? What is “seeing someone already dead?” Who is he talking about? Who is in my imagination? Who is already dead?

Pete turns the door handle and stares right into the two standing at the door, asking, almost too aggressively: “You are… talking about whom?”

It’s Vegas. Vegas has already died.

Pete crumbled into the chair, registering this piece of information. How is this possible? They have only met several days ago. Vegas even bought him a goldfish. They talk on the phone every day. Thinking about this, Pete grabs his phone and goes to Line. The screen of his conversation with Vegas is nothing but normal, stopping at the last “good night” sticker Vegas sent to him. Isn’t Vegas just fine? How come he suddenly passed away?

Mok and Kinn also see what’s on Pete’s phone. But what they see is an empty screen, nothing on it. Pete does not even have Vegas’s number.

Kinn says in a restrained sadness: “Pete, Vegas is no longer with us. He passed away one year ago, in the fight between the major clan and the secondary clan. Don’t you remember? It was you who….”

Kinn stops mid-sentence, lowering his head to suppress his feelings, panting. After a while, he brings himself to look at Pete: “It’s alright Pete. We all will help you. You’ll get better.”

Pete looks into the eyes of Khun Kinn, all he sees is sincerity and concern. Khun Kinn wouldn’t lie to me. So, am I truly ill?

11

Vegas is dead.

They met, they fell in love, it’s all fake.

Back from the hospital, Porsche came to Pete and told him everything.

Vegas is not a bodyguard of the secondary clan. He is the first son of the secondary clan, a niece of Khun Kong. Pete did not meet him in a task. He was caught when he sneaked into the secondary clan to collect evidence, and was imprisoned by Vegas for three weeks. In fact, the overlaps of Pete’s life and Vegas’s is known to no one but Pete. But now Pete has forgotten all his past with Vegas. Who would remember all their past and tell him about it?

Since the doctor suspects Pete has the tendency of self-harm, Pete is told he can no longer have the room all to himself. A new bodyguard moves in. Roi or something. Pete is not used to his presence. He feels like a prisoner, being watched every day, being told to take a load of pills whose names he can’t even understand, and at night, being watched in case he hurts himself.

Everyone keeps telling him Vegas is gone. He died a year ago. Yet Pete forgets all about it the moment he gets a message from Vegas.

Vegas: Missing you. What are you doing?

Pete sees Vegas’s face in his mind’s eye, Vegas must be smiling texting this message.

Pete: Missing you too [cute cat face]

Vegas: How’s the goldfish? You like it?

Pete looks to the goldfish, it's swimming deftly. Pete smiles, texting back: Yes. It blows bubbles to me every day.

Vegas: Btw, I found a restaurant making really good southern curry, I’ll take you there next time.

Pete: Sure. But you can’t have spicy food, can you?

Vegas: I can now [angry emoji]

Pete: Like I would believe it. You CANNOT have spicy food.

“Pete, what are you looking at? That smiley face of you.” Arm drags him into reality with one sentence. He locks the screen hurriedly and raises his head to look at Arm, saying: “Nothing, nothing.”

“Khun Tankhun says he’ll watch TV series tonight, he asked you to go and watch together.”

Pete nods: “Ok.”

Pete stares at the TV screen, they have watched the series three times already. He is so bored that he can barely keep his eyes open. Or maybe it’s the pills for depression that make him sleepy. Anyway, Pete falls asleep in less than one episode.

He is shaken out of sleep. And what meets his eyes is the crazy expression of Khun Tankhun, and Arm and Pol with a worrying face.

“What happened? I was sound asleep.” Pete grumbles.

At his sentence, Tanhkun throws the pocketknife at the floor angrily but not without fear: “Sleep your ass. You are about to cut your own wrist!”

Pete frowns and looks at the floor, the pocketknife is what he carries with himself for self-defense. He only drops it in his sleep.

Tankhun looks terrified, he throws his arms around Pete and hugs him so tightly: “Pete, don’t you hurt yourself. Why would you do this!”

Pete is confused too. He was sleeping, but Khun Tankhun says he was hurting himself. So the wounds he found were done by himself in his sleep? Not knowing how to explain, Pete returns the hug and pats on Tankhun’s back.

“Khun Tankhun, I… I’m sorry.”

12

He visits Dr. Mok again.

Dr. Mok talks to him like an old friend, asking some questions. Pete answers each one of them patiently, until Dr. Mok says: “Pete, how do meet with Vegas usually?”

Pete, thwarted by the question, pauses for a long while before answering in a hoarse voice: “I can’t really tell. Vegas… he always appears and disappears in a sudden.”

“But he promised that he wouldn’t leave me.”

“What about now? Where is Vegas now? Do you have any idea?”

Pete hesitates: “I don’t know…”

Vegas comes and goes as he wishes. He has never really sought after Vegas myself, it has always been Vegas who finds him.

“Pete, when you see a person that no longer exists, there must be something off about him. Like you said, Vegas always appears and disappears in a sudden. This doesn’t make sense.”

Pete wants to justify himself. No, it’s not like that. Vegas is not in his imagination. But he can barely say a word.

“Pete, remember, something off. If Vegas appear again, try to find something off about him.”

Pete came to the hospital by himself. He stopped Arm who wanted to come with him, saying, “I am not well, but I’m not dumb.”

The sunlight in the late afternoon is a bit too dazzling. Pete walks out the door of the hospital towards the light. He sees a man standing there, but cannot see the face clearly. He walks near and finds it’s Vegas. A smile comes to his face immediately.

“How come you are here?” He says in surprise and delight.

“Didn’t I say I’ll take you to the curry place?” Vegas rubs his head.

Dr. Mok’s words are still in his mind. Pete checks the man in front of him. From head to toe, he looks as normal as can be, nothing off.

“What are you thinking about, let’s go.”

Vegas reaches his hand and holds it. Pete looks at his silhouette, his face, his expression, everything so real. Whatever others say, he is flesh and blood.

They arrive at the curry restaurant, turns out it’s the one Pete frequents. Pete orders two plates, southern curry on rice and omelet on rice. Though Vegas claims he can take spicy food now, Pete is sure he’s just been boasting. As expected, Vegas has a hard time just after a taste of the curry from Pete's plate. Pete laughs out loud, attracting attentions from others at the tables around him.

Pete hears them whispering, this man is so strange, what is he talking to himself about?

Pete looks at Vegas, who is pouring water down his throat to ease the pungency of the curry, and looks back at the curry in his own plate. For the first time he finds it difficult to enjoy the food.

Vegas exists only in his imagination. The thing is like a knife wedged in his flesh, and it drives deeper each time the fact hits him. The bleeding wound hurts him and reminds him of the fact every single second.

An overwhelming sense of helplessness floods Pete. Tears well up in his eyes, he lifts his hand to feel Vegas’s cheek, his gaze reluctant to move away. He paints his eyebrows, his eyes, and his face time and time again in his mind. The tears eventually flow out.

Vegas, if you exist only in my imagination, I want to recollect the real you in my memory.

13

“Pete, I want you to relax every bit of yourself. I will guide you and you only need to do what I say. In the next half hour, you may think of something or hear something. Don’t be afraid, don’t resist when it comes, but don’t force yourself either. Ok?”

Pete lays in the clinic chair, Dr. Mok sitting in front of him.

“Dr. Mok, how much will I remember?”

“I don’t know precisely how much. Hypnosis can only guide you there, it all depends on yourself how much you’ll remember, Pete.”

Pete nods and closes his eyes.

He feels like walking a long, long way by himself. It’s pitch dark all around, only a thread of light from afar guides him. Countless pictures flash in front of his eyes, his past with Vegas. Like broken pieces, the pictures piece together a whole story, the story of Pete and Vegas.

At first, he hated Vegas to the guts. He wanted to kill this devil. They were like two desperate wolves, tearing at and torturing each other. But little by little, Vegas became less obnoxious, sometimes even evoked a thread of sympathy in him. When he was licking Vegas’s wounds, he had his heart. Vegas fell in love so hard, he couldn’t take it when Pete tried to hurt himself leaving. He could not but let him go.

Reality falls far short of the beautiful fairy land. When Pete wakes up from the hypnosis, his face is drenched with tears. He remembers now.

He chose to forget his past with Vegas, and substituted it with a dream he wove for himself, where him and a Vegas of his imagination had a normal romantic relationship. He is afraid of that period of time, that three weeks of imprisonment. It is a wound that will never heal. But how can he really forget all these? Deep down, he still remembers the pain Vegas brought him, that is why he hurt himself time and time again without knowing. He remembers what Vegas said to him when they went to the temple together. He remembers that Vegas cooked instant noodles for him. He remembers the southern curry that is way too spicy for Vegas. And the movie-watching that ended with their kiss…

Pete thought he had forgotten, but it’s just that he buried them deeper down, deep in his heart.

After extended silence, Pete said: “It seems something have escaped me.”

His story with Vegas stopped abruptly the moment Vegas let him go. He wants to keep searching in his memory, but every time he tries to recall what happened afterwards, his head feels like exploding with pain.

“Don’t push yourself too hard, Pete. It’s really good you have part of your memory back. Insisting on revisiting the past that you yourself chose to forget will only bring you pain.”

Pete laughs with a feigned relaxation: “Doctor…so, if I’m cured, Vegas will disappear, right?"

He sees Vegas outside the hospital again, standing in the sunlight, smiling and waving at him. Pete found himself so timid for the first time. He knows he is not well, knows that Vegas is in his imagination only. But once he thinks of the price of his recovery, that is to never see Vegas again, he finds his heart gripped fiercely, so painful that he can barely breathe.

He even wishes his recovery away.

Vegas goes with Pete back home. This time he does not disappear midway. He follows Pete, following him into the house of the major clan, to the restaurant in the house. Pete tries to act normal with all his strength, but he can’t. He can’t keep his eyes away from Vegas, when Vegas is right by his side.

Pete almost flees back to his room. Thank god, Roi is not here.

“Pete, why don’t you talk to me? Have I done anything wrong?” Vegas asks, ignorant of all this.

Pete forces a smile, saying, Vegas, come and hug me.

Vegas, I’m frightened to tell you that I’m sick, even more frightened to tell you that you live only in my imagination. Vegas, you know, I never knew I could love someone so deeply. But now I realize that I cannot lose you. Even though you do not exist, even though no one else sees you but me, I don’t want to lose you.

Vegas, I am such a selfish person.

He cannot hold up any longer and bursts out crying on Vegas’s shoulder.

14

Despite everyone’s disagreement, Pete insists on having the room to himself. With his signature smile, he assures everyone that nothing needs to be worried about him. He has stopped hurting himself recently, and the hallucinations come less often. He no longer needs to be watched.

Porsche, sitting in front of him, stares at his face for a long time. He has been paying attention to Pete’s condition. Even though he’s flooded with work every day, he takes time to talk to Pete.

“We are all glad that you have your memories back. It is not your fault that some things happen. Don’t blame yourself, Pete… Vegas would not want to see you like this.”

Pete looks to Porsche, but his focus is on Vegas, who is standing behind Porsche, leaning at the wall, arms crossed and smiling at him.

Pete’s eyes softened: “I know. Don’t need to worry about me. I’ll get better.”

Everyone thinks Pete is getting well. Only Pete knows he can still see Vegas, even more often than before. In the daytime, Pete pretends Vegas is not there. Only when no one is around would Pete look to Vegas, hugging and kissing him.

He visits the doctor as usual, and has resumed his work, although just some inspection work that is not dangerous. Porsche is not sure of his condition, and insists on being with him the first day Pete goes back to work.

Pete sits behind the wheel, watching his inferiors exchanging goods with the seller. He says helplessly to Porsche at the passenger seat: “There’s nothing. Just trading a batch of goods. You don’t really need to worry that much about me.”

Porsche does not even bother to turn his head: “Just in case.”

Mid-conversation, they hear disputes outside the car. Pete notices the condition. He opens the door and walks outside, ignoring Porsche’s protest.

“What? What are you arguing about?”

“The goods are short in quantity!” One says.

The seller argues: “The goods has been counted. How come the number doesn’t match. Don’t you plant this on us!”

As the two sides are about to start a fight, Pete senses something wrong.

Porsche shouts behind him: “Pete! Get down!”

Almost the same second, “Pong”, a bullet goes through the position where Pete was standing, right into a bodyguard.

Gunfight unfolds fiercely. Pete finds Porsche somehow by his side and shouting: “Pete, get behind me!”

Pete does not listen, instead killing two with two shots: “Don’t mind me. Just get this under control first!”

Pete rolls to the other side undercover, while taking another shot. The group doesn’t expect the bodyguards of the major clan to be so tough and falls to the lower hand soon.

The gunfire and the shouts are deafening. Pete finds his ears numb. He kicks a guy away. Yet as he raises his head, he sees Vegas. He suspects something’s wrong with his eyes. But when he focuses his attention, Vegas is standing right in front of him, a few steps away. Behind Vegas is the leader of the other camp, gun in hand.

Pete cannot move. Standing there, he finds himself shaking and can’t even hold the gun. He sees the leader lifting the gun and pulling the trigger. No, no! Driven by an unnamable force, Pete runs to Vegas like crazy. Behind him Porsche lets out a howl of anger.

“Pete!!!!”

Pete positions himself between Vegas and the bullet. He is shot at the left shoulder. Eyes wide open, he falls straight to the ground.

More bullets flying from behind. The leader is shot, and the group down. Porsche runs to Pete, holding Pete in his arms, with a frightened face saying: “Pete, you are crazy. What were you doing?”

Blood oozes out from his shoulder, Pete grabs Porsche’s arm despite all his pain, asking: “Vegas…… How is Vegas…… Is Vegas ok…”

Shock takes over fear in Porsche’s face. Teary-eyed, he holds Pete with a muted weeping.

“Vegas…” till the last second of his consciousness, Pete has been saying the name of Vegas, time and time again.

15

Pete wakes up at the hospital. He is surrounded by many, Porsche, Khun Tankhun, Khun Kinn, Arm, Pol, even Khun Kim and Porchay.

Pete forces a smile, banters in a weak voice: “I thought the only occasion I could see you all in the same room is my funeral.”

Porsche hits him immediately: “What nonsense!”

Pete can’t help but giggling, which stretches his shoulder wound. When he ouches Porsche is suddenly quiet. Khun Tanhkun hugs him at his waist and burst out crying: “Pete, don’t you do anything stupid. How can you want yourself dead because Vegas is no longer here. If you are gone, I’ll go to the underworld to take you back wuuuu…”

“Khun Noo…I cannot breathe.”

“The doctor is here. We should get out.” Khun Kinn interrupts the crying and forces everyone out. Pete finds himself with Dr. Mok alone.

Pete knows why Dr. Mok is here.

“Pete…”

Pete interrupted him: “Dr. Mok, I’m sorry. I lied to you."

With a gentle smile, Dr. Mok pats Pete on the back of his hand: “Pete, I know it’s difficult to register that Vegas lives only in your mind. But if you don’t separate him from the real world, you’ll get hurt much more seriously next time.”

Pete lowers his head in silence. It is not that he does not know it’s a mistake to let Vegas appear like that. But he has lost Vegas once. Does he have to lose him again?

“I believe Khun Vegas would not want to see you sinking deeper and deeper in your mind if he was here. Pete, there are so many people loving you in the real world. You need to get better. Even if Vegas stops showing up, he’ll still be with you in some other way.”

At night, Pete lies in bed, staring at the moon with an empty mind. That’s when Vegas appears again. He comes near and hugs Pete so tight: “I was so worried about you, Pete. It’s so good that you’re fine.”

Pete lets Vegas hug himself and takes in his scent. He looks to the ceiling before breaking the silence: “Let’s make love, Vegas.”

His clothes are stripped gently away. Vegas supports him by the nape of his neck, kisses falling on his lips like raindrops. Pete looks at Vegas’s face, so near to his. He raises his right hand to hold Vegas's waist. Kisses reach Pete on his chin, the side of his neck, his collarbone, and his left shoulder, where Vegas kisses his wound ever so slightly on the layers of bandages.

The kisses send tremors to Pete’s body. He holds Vegas’s face, sucking, almost biting his lips, as if the saliva is the last drop of water he’ll ever get.

Vegas, worried about his wound and does not dare to move too recklessly, lets Pete do whatever he wants with his lips and tongue. He reaches Pete’s erection and offers a few strokes. Moan leaks from Pete’s throat.

Pete wants to remove Vegas’s clothes too, but he has only one hand available, and the buttons are devils to him. So Vegas straights himself up and tears his shirt off.

This is the first time Pete sees the body of Vegas, the Vegas he imagined. When he sees his body clearly, he pauses. On his marble like sturdy chest is a bloody bullet hole. Pete even sees the bullet shell buried deep inside the flesh. Vegas, failing to see what’s happening, asks blankly: “What is it, Pete?”

“When you see a person that no longer exists, there must be something off about him."

The words of Dr. Mok invades his mind. Pete frowns and touches the bullet hole on Vegas’s chest, trembling, and tears welling up and flowing from the corner of his eyes. He finally recalls, the thing that keeps escaping him, the reason for Vegas’s death.

16

Vegas did die in the gunfight between the two clans. At that time the secondary clan had walked into a dead end. Khun Kan was surrounded by Khun Kong and the bodyguards of the major clan. Pete was pointing at the back of Vegas with his gun. But when Vegas saw his father about to be shot, he broke loose and ran to that crowd like a lone wolf left with no other choice. Pete saw him tearing his way into the crowd of the bodyguards and took Khun Kong as a hostage.

It’s the desperate move of a cornered beast. Khun Kinn shot Vegas in his lap. Vegas, losing the last thread of hope in his eyes, looked to Pete.

His last request was to die in Pete’s hands. Pete walked to Vegas, squatted and looked at him, asking:

“Vegas, have you eaten yet?”

“Are you hungry, Pete?”

“I am hungry. What to do, Vegas?”

“Pete, I can’t cook instant noodles for you now. Be patient.”

Pete saw tears shining in Vegas’s eyes. He hesitated and could not bring himself to pull the trigger. Vegas smiled at him. Next second, he held Pete’s gun-holding hands. He pointed the tip of the gun at his heart. His palm was warm, and Pete felt it. He pressed Pete’s forefinger and the trigger was pulled.

He killed Vegas with his own hands.

Pete breaks down at the thought. He looks to Vegas, who is looking at him concernedly.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Vegas,” he hugs Vegas and bursts into tears of despair: “I’m sorry…”

Since he had killed Vegas in that gunfight, every single day became a torture to Pete. He was still wearing his signature smile. But deep down, he became a walking dead. He forced himself to work, to stay up all night, because the moment he closed his eyes, he saw Vegas’s smiling face before he died.

He regretted to have failed delaying Vegas that day. Vegas should not have died in that fight. One day he even asked himself, whether Vegas loved him or hated him. If Vegas loved him, why would he leave him alone to deal with this unbearable pain?

Eventually, when he could no longer take all this pain, Pete forced himself to shut all his memories about Vegas, and created a new Vegas.

“Pete, don’t be sorry,” Vegas’s voice sounds from above his head: “it is me who should be sorry.”

The tip of his nose touches Pete’s forehead, he says gently: “Pete, I am so sorry that I’ve hurt you. I have been forcing you all along. Maybe you shouldn’t even love me. But I never regret that I had you once. You are the last thread of light in my life. I should not drag you into my darkness.”

“Go back, Pete. Don’t hold on to it anymore. Even if I stopped appearing, I’ll be by your side in another way.”

“Have you forgotten? I said I’ll find you, I’ll never leave you.”

Vegas disappears. Thoroughly this time.

Pete looks at the empty room, tears all over his face. He bid his farewell to Vegas.

17

Pete is de-hospitalized half a month later.

Mok has been checking on Pete all this time. He knows that Vegas has stopped showing up in Pete’s world. Pete’s trauma wouldn’t heal overnight, but things are good enough as they are now.

Pete is accompanied by his mates back to the major clan. Khun Tankhun has put on a party to celebrate his return. Porsche complains about him disturbing Pete with all the fanciness, but as always he’s the one who enjoys himself the most.

Pete stays with them for a while, then excuses himself for feeling tired, and returns to his dorm. The place feels strange after his half-month of absence. He walks to the bedroom and drops his luggage. He is drawn to something on the table by the bedside.

It’s that goldfish. The water in the tank is clear, with extra pebbles and some aquatic plants. The fish swims through the bush, the black spots on its head standing out in the water.

“Ever since you were hospitalized, Khun Tankhun had been coming here feeding the fish.” Arm walks in the room, staring at Pete.

“Where’s Khun Noo? I should thank him.”

“He’s drunk and has fallen asleep. He said that he would do everything to keep this fish alive, because you told him that it was Vegas who got it for you.”

Pete sighs, “I bought it myself actually.” He stares back at Arm, and suddenly lets out a laugh of relief.

Later, Pete gives a name to the black-spotted goldfish, Little V.

Some time later, Pete pays another visit to the temple. But this time, he is there to pray for Vegas. Vegas had suffered in this lifetime. He was a puppet in the familial politics. He was the tool of his father. But he was never himself. Pete only hopes that in his next life there could be less pain. Being born in an average family is good enough, so long as he grows up bathed in love.

Pete puts his hands together, making wishes wholeheartedly. When the sermon’s nearly done, he looks up at the monk sitting on the zafu, pleading in silence.

Luang phor[1], hereby is my self-clinging wish, it’s ok that you disregard. But if in your kindness you are willing to come to my aid, please let me meet Vegas again in the next life. We were once here making merits together. I’m worried that he was not sincere enough. So I come to pray to you again.

An encounter is enough. I will strive for the rest myself.

Vegas, next life I will take my turn to seek you out.

-End-

[1] Venerable father, used to address a monk older than the person, see http://www.littlebang.org/addressing-monks/.