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Shelby has always been an anxious person. When she was a teenager, she lived with a permanent feeling of anxiety within her, the pressure of being the perfect child under the watchful gaze of Dave Goodkind no doubt the cause of it. Back then Shelby was awful at dealing with it, she’d pick at her nails or the surrounding skin to cope with it, to try to focus on something other than the anxiety building inside. This only caused her more anxiety when she started doing pageants. Pageant queens did not have short, broken nails with raw skin. After she started pageants, she forced herself to stop and instead she started bottling her anxiety up, just letting it build inside her with no way to deal with it, with nothing to focus on. Looking back, it probably wasn’t her best idea.
She, somehow, persuaded her parents to let her go to college in California. She realises now she has her mom to thank, JoBeth had always been the more lenient of the two . Moving to California was the best decision she ever made, her roommate, Fatin, she found a little eccentric at first but she can honestly say that without her, Shelby would still be the same unhappy person she was in Texas. Fatin drew her out of her shell, helped Shelby be comfortable in her own skin, helped her come out and then, consequently, helped her try to hook up with girls.
Shelby still suffered from anxiety, certain situations where she just couldn’t help her slightly elevated heart rate, couldn’t help the worry slowly start to consume her. She was much better at dealing with it now, she had a therapist who stopped her from bottling it all up, she didn’t have the pressure of her every move being watched by her father, and she was finally starting to accept who she actually was. She did, however, go back to picking at her nails, she needed something to occupy herself when the anxious and nervous energy struck and that was the only thing that was able to occupy Shelby.
Until Toni.
In her first few months of college, her and Fatin became friends with fellow Texan Dot, who then introduced them to her roommate Leah. Leah and Shelby hit it off immediately. Bonding over their love of literature, they took a creative writing course together on a Thursday evening where they met Nora and Martha, two of the kindest people Shelby has ever met. The six of them started hanging out nearly everyday, with Nora’s sister, Rachel, starting to join in as well. And, whilst they may have been an unlikely friendship group, a mash of personalities, they just worked.
Shelby didn’t meet Toni until December, Martha had brought her to a movie night but Shelby had been ill so hadn’t had chance to meet her yet. When she did eventually meet her Shelby had stood there, almost in awe. Shelby used to think she didn’t really have a type but as soon as she saw Toni, she figured her type was women who looked exactly like Toni. She was a hopeless gay, to say the least.
They didn’t get off to the best of starts. Toni seemed to have a problem with her as soon as she laid her eyes on Shelby and Shelby had spent the first month of knowing Toni trying to befriend her, she was nothing but nice to her but Toni didn’t care. Eventually Shelby got over it, if Toni wanted to give her the cold shoulder she’d just do it right back. It just sucked she had to have a massive crush on Toni.
They spent the next two months of knowing each other arguing, comments here and there that got underneath each other’s skin. They both knew they were making it awkward for their friends, Shelby felt awful but Toni just had a way to get at her, she knew exactly how to push Shelby and Shelby hated it.
It all came to ahead one Friday night, they were at a party, both tipsy but not drunk. Shelby, Toni, Martha and Dot were in the kitchen of a frat house, it was a rare time when Shelby and Toni weren’t at each other’s throats, Toni had even offered up a few smiles, laughed at a few of her jokes, even went as far as getting Shelby a drink. It was all going so well until Toni caught her staring off into the distance, not paying attention to the conversation at hand.
Instead Shelby’s attention had been drawn to two girls, clearly a couple, who were on the couch in the living room. One of them was sitting in the others lap, they were laughing and trading kisses like they were the only two people in the room. Shelby stared wistfully at them, she’d only been on one date since being in California, much to Fatin’s dismay, and it had gone horribly. Her religious upbringing and general lack of experience had caused her so much anxiety, she’d picked the skin of her nails so much on the date that three of them were bleeding by the time she got home. She’d decided then and there that dating wasn’t for her.
Toni had caught her staring at these two girls and had gotten the wrong end of the stick completely. Toni scoffed and had said “Typical” She slammed her drink down on the counter before taking a step closer to Shelby “I had started to think I was wrong about you but it turns out you really are just a Jesus loving, homophobic Pageant princess hiding behind your Southern Charm” She’d then stormed out of the kitchen. Shelby had been hot on her heels, refusing to let Toni believe she was right.
She’d hated what Toni had said solely because she knew it used to be true, that’s exactly who she used to be and she didn’t like how Toni could read her so well, how Toni could tell exactly what kind of person she had spent most of her life being, or pretending to be.
She caught up with Toni on the front lawn and broke down, she admitted to her that that was who she used to be, but couldn’t stress enough how much she’d changed, how that wasn’t the real her, she told Toni how far from the truth she’d been with her homophobia comment. She remembers Toni not quite believing her, and Shelby had stood there in anger, explaining her religious family and how she’d repressed her feelings before finishing with “Do I really need to say it? I’m a lesbian Toni, i love girls-“ She didn’t get to finish because Toni’s lips were on hers in a flash.
+++++
After the kiss at the party, Toni had walked her back to her dorm room, they had talked all the way and cleared the air, Toni apologising for her early comments at the party. Once they’d arrived at Shelby’s door Toni had shyly asked Shelby if she’d go on a date with her. Shelby didn’t even hesitate before saying yes.
It was an hour before Toni was due to pick her up and Shelby was severely regretting saying yes. Her anxiety was through the roof and one of her nails was already raw from the constant picking.
“I don’t get why you’re so nervous” Fatin started, sifting through Shelby’s clothes hanging in her closest. “It’s Toni, you know Toni”
Shelby flopped backwards onto her bed with a groan. “Except I don’t know Toni. I know she used to hate me and now she doesn’t”
“Except she didn’t hate you, she thought you were hot but straight and she built her walls up. Martha says she does it all the time” Fatin said breezily as she fished out a short yellow dress and threw it on top of Shelby “This is the one.”
20 minutes later and Shelby was ready. Well, as ready as she could be.
“You look hot”
“I don’t feel hot”
“Well you should, I’d sleep with you”
Shelby rolls her eyes, she takes a quick look at herself in the mirror and she will admit she does look kinda hot. The anxiety within her however, makes her feel anything but.
When there’s a knock at the door a few minutes later, Fatin opens it to Toni standing there in a white shirt, top 3 buttons undone, and her hair effortlessly falling around her shoulders in natural waves. Shelby swears she feels her heart skip a beat.
Fatin gives her a hug before she leaves and whispers in her ear “Relax. It’ll all be okay. It’s just Toni”.
+++++
The dates going horribly. Shelby knows it’s going horribly, she’s barely said 10 words since they sat down at the restaurant and she feels awful. Toni’s trying so hard, she keeps starting new conversations, discussing anything and everything and Shelby’s giving her nothing back. She’s been picking at her nails all night, her leg bouncing, Fatin’s words from earlier no help. If anything she’s more anxious than her previous date because it’s Toni. She’s had a crush on Toni since she met her, despite their rocky start, and Shelby wants so badly for this to go well.
“Are you okay?” Toni hesitantly asks. And Shelby can see that she looks nervous, when she hadn’t before. No, before, when she’d picked Shelby up, she was all confident and smooth talking and now Shelby was making her nervous by her lack of participation in the date. It was times like these where Shelby really hated her anxiety.
“I’m fine” Shelby replies quietly. She sees the unconvinced look on Toni’s face so she repeats herself. “Really. I’m fine”
Toni still doesn’t look convinced but she ploughs on; For about 5 minutes.
“Look if you wanna just go home and forget about this I totally understand” Toni had started to shift in her chair, like she was going to call a waiter, like she was ready to go home. It was that moment, with Toni looking so sad, that Shelby couldn’t take it anymore.
She reaches across the table to grab Toni’s hand.
“No” She practically shouted it, the table next to them shooting them dirty looks.
“No?”
“No”. Shelby releases Toni’s hand and starts twisting her hands together in her lap. “I uh, I have really bad anxiety and it’s definitely gotten better but there’s still situations where I feel like the world’s about to collapse and dates turn out to be one of those situations” She was rambling, she knew she was rambling but she needed to get it all out before she could really process what she was saying.
Toni’s face softens immediately. “I’m sorry, if I’d known I would’ve planned a much more chilled evening” She says through an awkward laugh.
And Shelby hates it, because Toni’s blaming this on herself and she feels awful. She knows it’s not her fault either, something that her therapist had spent many, many sessions trying to instil in her. But she does wishes she’d maybe given Toni a heads up or something.
“It’s not your fault, Toni. It’s gorgeous in here and you’re being perfect and I’m, well I’m giving you literally nothing to work with. Shelby mumbles, shaking her head. ”I think I’m so anxious because it’s not just a date, it’s a date with you”
At that Toni’s eyebrows shoot up and she starts to look concerned, starts to look like she thinks Shelby’s regretting agreeing to this date in the first place.
“I didn’t mean it badly” Shelby quickly rushes out. She can feel her cheeks heat up as she murmurs “I just, really like you”
Toni lets out a nervous laugh as she replies “I really like you too Shelby” She leans forward against the table, her face turning serious all of a sudden. “I really don’t mind going if you want to leave, if this is too much”
And Shelby thinks it probably is too much, it’s only her second date with a woman, second date ever if she’s being honest with herself, she knows she really likes Toni and she’s so afraid of messing up. Her general anxiety of dates heightened by the fact she’s very aware she’s out in public with a woman, where people can clearly tell they’re on a date, that they look like a couple. Her previous date had been at a park on a bench, with no one around. So yeah this was probably too much, but she was determined to not let her anxiety control her, just for once.
“I want to stay” Shelby starts, “It’s just…” she stumbles for words, not quite finding the right ones, but Toni seems to get it anyway.
“That’s okay” Toni murmurs “How about we just sit here and I talk? You don’t even have to be an active participant” Shelby laughs at that which in turn makes Toni laugh “I’m serious, Martha’s always saying I could talk for days about certain subjects. I can’t even tell you much of her time I’ve wasted with stories and facts about space”
And that’s exactly what they do. Shelby sits there as Toni tells her all about space, about constellations and planets and Shelby feels her anxiety slowly start to fade away. They don’t even order food, just drinks, which earns them a few unsavoury looks from the waiters.
At some point Toni notices how Shelby’s hands are still moving on her lap, she hasn’t been picking at her skin since opening up to Toni, but she had been repeatedly twisting her hands in and out, needing something to do.
“Here” Toni suddenly whispers “Give me your hands” Shelby hesitates for a moment before moving her hands over the table and into Toni’s outstretched palms. Toni immediately holds them and starts softly rubbing her thumbs back and for, it’s instantly calming.
Toni carries on with her stories and Shelby’s calmer, but she still has the urge to be messing with something, needing something for hands to do just to stay occupied, to get the remaining anxious energy out of her system.
It’s a few minutes later when she notices Toni’s wearing rings. And God, that’s hot, if she were standing up she’s 99% sure her knees would’ve buckled. Theres 3 on one hand,4 on the other, and before she knows what she’s doing her fingers are moving to her rings and she immediately starts twisting them, playing with them and running her fingers along Toni’s fingers. Toni slightly stutters, casting a look down at her hands, but she doesn’t say anything, just carries on talking, so Shelby carries on playing with Toni’s hands.
And it’s instantly better, her hands are occupied and Toni’s making her smile and laugh and Shelby suddenly feels the anxiety from earlier evaporate. Well, nearly all of the anxiety evaporate, she’s still incredibly aware of how they look like a couple, especially with the new found intimacy of hand holding, but it’s not at the forefront of her mind anymore. Toni is.
From there the night goes so well Shelby can hardly believe it, she continues to play with Toni’s rings, her fingers, her hands all throughout the night and by the time they’re ready to leave Shelby’s also actually participating in the conversation. Toni walks her home and Shelby holds onto her hand with both of hers, running her fingers down Toni’s wrist, down her palm to her fingers where she runs her hands over the cool metal rings before repeating the process over and over again. She briefly wonders if it’s annoying Toni, but Toni just squeezes her hand and rubs her thumb along the back of Shelby’s hand.
She kisses Toni at her door and she feels herself practically melt when Toni leans back to whisper “Are you sure?”. Shelby simply nods and leans back in.
Shelby goes to bed that night with a smile on her face and the fleeting thought of how weird it was that as soon as she had touched Toni, as soon as she had gotten comfortable around her, it was like her anxiety had just disappeared. How Toni had made her feel completely relaxed in a situation that normally caused Shelby a lot of turmoil. How she had never been able to deal with her anxiety that quickly before.
She falls asleep thinking how very easy it could be to fall in love with Toni Shalifoe.
They’d officially been dating for 3 months in June and Shelby couldn’t be happier, she never thought she’d be this happy. Their friends could hardly believe them when they broke the news that they were dating, Fatin, who already knew, had scoffed at their reactions, making a comment about how she could see the sexual tension between the two of them a mile away.
Toni brought a sense of calm to Shelby, something that she’d never had before. Something that, what she gathered from Martha anyway, was quite unexpected of Toni. She knew Toni used to have pretty bad anger issues, but she’d never have guessed it with how Toni was now. Sure she can get a little hot headed now and then, but the therapist she’d started seeing had really helped her, being able to talk openly about her childhood had really helped her.
Honestly, Shelby thinks, everyone should probably go to therapy at some point in their lives.
Her anxiety was even less frequent once she had started dating Toni, she’d began to grow more comfortable being out in public, more comfortable being in a lesbian couple in public, she still had instances where it was a bit too much for her at times but overall she was doing well.
Besides, anytime where she did feel her anxiety start to build, she just took Toni’s hands and ran her fingers along her palms, her fingers, her rings until she felt it pass.
Her nails have never looked better.
It was a Sunday night, Shelby was sat at her bedroom desk hunched over her laptop with Toni lounging in her bed. She had an interview for a summer internship in the morning and she was panicking. She needed this internship, it was the only way she could get out of going back to Texas for the summer, and she really didn’t want to go back. Toni and the girls were staying for the majority of the summer too and Shelby really didn’t want to miss out on spending the summer with her family. In the back of her mind she was also concerned about how she might react being back in Texas after 9 months. She shudders at the thought.
Shelby knew Toni could tell she was stressed, she hadn’t moved from her laptop all afternoon and had barely spoken to her in the last hour.
She could hear Toni move behind her and suddenly two arms were being wrapped around her waist and Toni’s head was tucked into her neck. Immediately Shelby could feel herself relax slightly, it was like whenever she was touching Toni all her problems seemed to just evaporate, just for a little bit. Even Toni’s mere presence in a room seemed to just calm her immediately.
“Baby” Toni whispers, placing a gentle kiss on her ear before continuing “You’ve been working all afternoon, your portfolio looks great. They’re gonna love it. They’re gonna love you”
Shelby doesn’t quite believe her, but she knows at this stage she’s done all she can, she’s spent days, weeks even on her portfolio to present tomorrow and deep down she knows it’s fucking great.
“Come on” Toni says, before moving her arms from Shelby’s waist to her hands and lightly pulling her over to the bed. Shelby just goes with the motion and finds herself sitting on the edge of her bed, with Toni next to her. Her hands immediately reaching for Toni’s. Her mind’s been occupied all day, interviews are probably Shelby’s worst nightmare, especially when she has this much riding on it.
“I know” Toni starts, staring down at Shelby’s hands wrapped around hers “that you need something to focus on when you’re feeling anxious, and I know it’s normally me……. well my hands” She blushes at that, like she can’t believe someone needs her, like she can’t believe Shelby needs her, wants her. Shelby leans over to kiss her on the cheek which has Toni ducking her head before leaning over to her bag on the floor, briefly detaching her hand from Shelby’s.
Shelby watches as she brings out a small velvet bag before settling back down next to her.
“I also know interviews, especially this one, makes you a little anxious” Toni clears her throat before continuing “And I’m sorry I can’t be there to, you know help and stuff. So I….I bought you this”
Toni starts opening the bag and Shelby can see how nervous she is from the way her hands shake slightly.
“Toni” Shelby breathes. Her eyes are glued to the ring Toni’s just pulled out of the bag, it’s the same as one of Toni’s, just gold instead of silver.
“I thought you could like use this instead and just think of me I guess” Toni whispers quietly as she hands the ring over to Shelby.
Shelby just looks at the ring in her hands, her heart so full of love for Toni, it feels like it could burst. She had bought herself a ring a few weeks ago for this exact reason. She had been able to focus on something other than the anxiety building inside her, but it didn’t calm her like Toni did, nothing calmed her like Toni did. She knew that the connection she had with Toni was the thing that instantly brought her back to reality when she got too in her head. Of course she could cope without Toni, it was just easier when Toni was there.
As she stared at the ring in her palms, she knew it would work, knew it would bring the calmness that only Toni could bring her, solely because it was given to her by Toni. Solely because it would be a reminder of Toni.
Shelby had been quiet for too long, it had been just two silent minutes of Shelby staring at the ring and Toni staring at her.
“It was stupid” Toni begins, her hand scratching at the back of her neck “A stupid idea I’m sor-“ She’s cut off by Shelby’s lips on hers.
“I love it” Shelby whispers once they stop to take a breath.
“You do?”
“I do” And Shelby knows this is the right time, knows that she’s falling in love with the woman in front of her. She takes a deep breath, steadying herself before whispering “I love you”
She hears Toni’s breath hitch, sees the small smile form on her face and watches as Toni leans in to reconnect their lips.
“I love you too” Toni mumbles between kisses.
Their kisses get progressively more heated and they get slightly carried away, to the point where Shelby’s straddling Toni, sucking hickeys along the side of her neck. After a few more minutes, Shelby slows things down until they’re just trading kisses. The ring, now sitting on the middle finger of her right hand, glistens against Toni’s skin where her hand is currently resting, cupping Toni’s face.
“Seriously, I can’t thank you enough for this” Shelby says, staring at Toni with nothing but love in her eyes.
Toni blushes and dips her head “It’s nothing”. Shelby’s ring adorned hand moves to Toni’s chin and lift her head up so they’re gazing into each others eyes.
“It isn’t nothing” Shelby murmurs, moving to lean her forehead against Toni’s “This is the nicest thing anyones ever done for me”
Toni shakes her head “You don’t have to thank me bee” She places a quick kiss to Shelby’s lips “Anything for you”
+++++
She gets the internship.
The ring Toni had bought her kept her anxiety at bay, the subtle connection to Toni bringing her peace whenever she had felt it start to build.
As Shelby’s on her way back to her dorm, she thinks how it’s not normal, not this easy to have someone who just gets her. To have such a connection with someone that just a mere reminder of them helps Shelby escape from her own mind. It hits her then just how lucky she is, to have found Toni, she wishes she could visit 15 year old Shelby and tell her to just wait, because she has no idea how much good is coming her way. Has no idea that in a few short years, she’ll find the person who becomes her home.
A small bunch of yellow roses await Shelby as she gets back to her dorm, a small bee shaped card attached to them with Toni’s messy handwriting scrawled upon it:
I’m so proud of you Bee. I love you <3
Shelby has never felt more loved.