Chapter Text
A/N: For clarity's sake, this fic takes place some time after Act I of the Raiden Shogun story quest. The other chapter unfolds after Act II.
She did not believe in her own ability to "care".
Thousands of years of existence had numbed her perception of time and important dates such as today. Others made a celebration of it, but for her it just seemed like another fragile speck of time falling into infinity. If an entire nation wished to gather around food and drink to spend a time of merrymaking, she would give them the opportunity to do so. For the sake of transparency with herself, she took note that it seemed to ease the guilt stemming from the error of her ways. Her people haven't had many opportunities to celebrate a holiday since the Vision Hunt Decree.
She did not believe in her own ability to "find happiness".
The date of her birth was not hers alone. She shared it with the most important person in her life, and the one she had dedicated her blade to: her sister. In the many centuries they had spent together, not once did it occur to her that there would come a time when they would be separated. Makoto was a wise and kind leader, who showed compassion to all and cherished the entirety of existence across time. She deserved eternity.
Makoto was dead, and the date of her birth had become a black spot in her sister's history.
It was difficult for Ei to grasp the concept of being the one who lived. They were two halves of one being, two sides of the same coin, yet only one remained. For a while, she regretted not having died in her sister's stead. With time, the fantasy became dangerously enticing, like a deadly poison seeping into the open wounds of her heart. Had Ei the kagemusha fallen in battle during the great struggle five hundred years ago… maybe things would not have been so bad.
Her sister would have mourned for a long time with great anguish, but the bustling life and the will to live of her people would have soon wiped the tears from her eyes. Accepting that her sister was part of the ever-stretching transience would have helped Makoto grieve quickly, and carrying the memory of a warrior who fought and died for their nation would have been enough to put her mind at ease. Under the rule of an enlightened Archon who had her resolve strengthened by the acceptance of loss, Inazuma would have grown and flourished exponentially, their relationship with the rest of Teyvat becoming an example of a strong nation capable of relying on others to move forward.
The people of Watatsumi deserved a chance to mend the grievances of the past, rather than being regarded by the Shogunate with the same prejudice that they suffered since the Great Serpent's death. Her sister would have understood the importance of unity after a world-shaking tragedy, and that stepping forward to make things right with Orobashi's children would be a show of strength rather than weakness.
In a world where Ei died and Makoto lived, there would have been no need for a puppet ruler.
There would have been no need for duels before the throne, for screams of agony, for discarded failures, and no child, heartless or not, would have been deemed a mistake for showing humanity.
Inazuma wouldn't have become a closed nation that others viewed as the height of oppression, nor a country with so little stability that the Fatui could run rampant among its people, sowing seeds of conflict unpunished. Of that, Ei is certain.
She watched this brilliant future unfold, not with sadness, but with envy. She watched this future, and the tugging in her chest made her feel like this would, no, should have been the only acceptable outcome. And no matter how wrong it was, how hurtful or backward it was to even think of it when so many people had suffered to see her change…
The future she desired most was one where she didn't exist.
A world without her was healthier, brighter, and more welcoming to humanity. It allowed her people to develop and prosper side by side with their god, not devolve into violence and chaos because of the vision of eternity she forced onto them.
But this world, the one she lived in, the one she could never escape, was tainted by her presence. And no matter what she did going forward, she could never give them the future they deserved.
Even if she had Eternity to atone for her sins, Eternity would not be enough.
...
...
"Now, answer me this: why would you bother with atoning for what's already done?"
A loud crash echoed underwater.
A familiar form breached the surface, and descended rapidly towards her. All surrounding sounds were deafened, but she perceived the faintest hint of shouts coming from outside. Her vision was dim, and the light at the corner of her eyes had long receded, yet she didn't need to try hard to recognize the trespasser. In a corner of her mind, she hadn't fully registered that he was no longer a threat. And so, during a moment as imperceptible as a second, she flinched upon seeing him. The slight rush of adrenaline nearly made her kick into battle mode, yet she remained lethargic at the very bottom, ignoring the burning up in her chest and the overwhelming pressure in her ears. Nothing warranted alarms at the moment. Oddly enough, she was as confident that the intruder wouldn't hurt her as she believed in the rules binding the Shogun's protocol. Immovable, perennial, and unfettered by the passing of time. She was certain of it.
And she only knew one man foolish enough to breach the sanctity of the imperial bathhouse without any ulterior motives.
"That fool…"
She was surprised that he couldn't swim that well, and made lots of unnecessary movements caused by panic. Like a human, his body was slowed by water. But even though he wasn't in his element, he didn't slow down during his descent. Not even once.
The Traveler looked agitated, and she understood that he probably ran to get past the okuzumeshuu before diving. He was already out of breath prior to entering the water, but this wasn't the cause of his troubles - she could see it in his widened eyes. Or rather, she saw her reflection in them.
He needlessly struggled, because water kept getting into his nose and mouth. All because he wouldn't stop yelling, letting small bubbles of precious air float up to the surface. He risked drowning himself, because he wouldn't stop shouting it.
She heard it faintly, but more importantly, she read it on his lips. And each time he uttered that dreadful word, it felt more like an accusation. An accusation against the selfish fantasy of a world where she died in her sister's stead. An accusation against the only thing that she thought could bring solace to this world. An accusation she read over and over on his face, distorted, by pain, worry, and guilt.
It was her name.
Her fantasy had a flaw. A flaw caused by a slight miscalculation:
Had Ei the kagemusha died, she never would have met that man.
Slowly and cautiously, she donned her garments like it was the first time. Luxurious yet discreet, a loose but comfortable kimono that was meant to act as a shogun's indoor robe. Meant primarily for resting, her sister often wore clothes like these. In her words, it was to attain a change of mood, "when the ruler is tired of ruling". If there ever was a time for her to wear something unfit for combat, it was probably now.
Hesitantly, she looked back at the one who stood on the other side of her private quarters. He was done getting dressed as well, and briefly met her gaze before looking away. They were alone on this floor, only the Traveler being allowed to remain in her presence at her behest. Her retainers had expressed their concern, but the Shogun's word was law, and laws were absolute.
Save for him, apparently.
He stepped forward with a blank expression on his face, only wavering when he noticed her staring at him.
"What?"
"It's nothing. I simply never thought I would one day see you, of all people, wearing my nation's colors." she noted without a smile.
He glanced at the kimono of black, lavender and purple sashed around his waist. "I just put on what your retainers gave me."
"Of course."
She walked out onto the balcony, and he silently followed. Placing both hands on the railing, she looked out at the city beneath them. Inazuma City was beautiful, bathed in red and gold by the setting sun. The shadows slowly lengthened around the buildings, as workers went home and shops began to light up. It was full of life, full of energy. Looking at this beautiful nation painfully reminded her once more of how all of this radiance was almost lost.
Lost by her fault-
"How long?"
His voice snapped her out of her muddled thoughts. Aether was sitting on the railing, legs kicking above a sheer drop as he watched the sunset with her.
"Pardon?"
"How long were you planning on staying down there?"
She frowned, and tore her gaze away from him. "It's not exactly a matter of time. I wouldn't have drowned in my own bath."
"Answer the question, please."
There was a barely-concealed anger in his voice, akin to the first time he spoke with her directly — on their first meeting, and their first fight. Yet this time, it was held back by a thin layer of concern, and well-meaning worry. He still didn't look at her though, and gazed out at the view.
"For as long as necessary." she finally said. "I needed somewhere to think without being disturbed, and meditating in my quarters wasn't working anymore. It felt like I was going around in circles."
A moment of silence. But she knew he wasn't done. If he was the stubborn Traveler she knew, he wouldn't let things settle here.
"Do you think I was justified in what I did?"
And sure enough, he didn't.
"Let's see…" She tallied his offenses on her fingers. "You refused to listen to orders issued by a high-ranking officer of the Shogunate, entered a building on Tenshukaku grounds unauthorized, resisted arrest, jumped into a private bath, and inappropriately embraced the god and ruler of this nation. Without my pardon, you would have been unceremoniously executed on the spot."
"You're making that last part sound worse than it actually is." he groaned. "I was trying to pull you out because you'd been there for over twelve hours."
She fully maintained eye contact. "We were both underwater."
"Yes, but-"
"And I was partially nude."
"Fair."
He acted like the phrasing of his own actions didn't bother him, but he did sheepishly come down from the railing. For a moment, they shared something lighthearted, but her expression slowly dropped when she stopped looking at him.
"That being said, I understand why you did what you did."
Neither of them needed to say it. It sounded like the Plane of Euthymia - and fundamentally, it was. Holing herself up where no one could come get her was just another way for her escapism to rear its irksome head. He was the only one who understood that this went beyond just a long-winded bath. And once again, he had been the only one who dared shatter that barrier between her and the rest of the world.
He inched closer towards her, and she finally realized the hurt imprinted on his face. "I don't need to hear your reasoning for it. I hope you realize how dangerous that is, and why you can't do it again. You can't go back."
She pursed her lips, hands tightening around the wood. "I don't want to go back. But I also can't stay like this - that is no way to live." The idea plagued her mind, and it was so deep-rooted, so strong, that she needed to let it out. "Don't you think that everything would be better without me? If my sister was here and not me, do you honestly believe things would have come to this? How am I supposed to not think that?" Her voice broke as she told him, clearly holding back tears.
She didn't expect him to touch her, much less grip her shoulders the way he did.
"Ei, I could have done so many things differently. Each step of my journey was marked by choices, and not always good ones. That's how regrets are, and everyone has them. But we live in the world where we both made all of these choices, and where we have to move forward with them." He let out an empathetic sigh. "Don't torture yourself with what could have happened and what didn't. What matters most is that you're here now and that you can change things."
She wished she had such a pure heart. To look at her life in the same light that he did, to appreciate the little things even when all seemed dark around her. After having him witness her darkest thoughts, she felt not only relieved, but also empty. An emptiness that yearned to be filled with something different, something… hopeful.
"Besides," he continued. "You're atoning by facing your punishment, which is more than appropriate for you."
She raised a curious brow. "And that is?"
"You're looking at him." He gestured at himself, fully serious. "Knowing that whatever you do and wherever you go, I'll always be there to drag you back in front of what you've done. No matter what happens, I'll come after you to make you face your responsibilities as a god and ruler. Sounds pretty dreadful when you think about it, no?"
"I don't know about that…" Ei looked out, lost in thought. "Always having you by my side sounds rather lovely."
Her words struck true like an arrow, and he froze. Unaware of their weight, however, she missed his reaction. She found it odd when he kept his face turned away from hers for a moment, but he quickly dominated himself.
"W-well, I'm glad you feel that way." He looked at the shops and houses in the city, which had almost all turned on their lights, and began to shimmer like gold. "There's still a bit of time before I have to go, anything you want to do?"
Before he could even finish the question, she moved away from the edge, a faint smile upon her lips. She took a few steps on her own, then looked over her shoulder. Her eyes had an electric shine to them, and her braid dancing on the breeze made the heat creep back up on the Traveler's face.
Perhaps he was right. If she didn't want to go back, and didn't want to stay idle, she could only move forward. It would be difficult, and there would come a time when she would have to face her own regrets. But strangely enough, when she looked at his kind face, and when she felt that warmth in her heart...
It made Ei believe that she would be okay.
She knew what she wanted to do. It was a simple, fleeting desire, one that reminded her of happier times. After all, if there ever was a day to look back on her memories fondly, it was today.
"The moon is beautiful tonight." she breathed. "I wish to go for a walk - will you join me?"