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The healer had just finished re-dressing Wei Wuxian’s wounds when Lan Wangji returned to the Gentian house.
The place that served to imprison his mother now serves to imprison the person he least wanted to imprison.
Without wanting to, he had broken the unspoken promise he had held in his heart whenever he asked Wei Ying to come to Gusu with him.
Almost as a ritual of compensation and self-punishment he now visited the Gentian house every day, either to bring food, clothes or other gifts, sometimes just to see him… and the girl.
Lian-er had grown a lot. Half a year had gone by since the siege of the Burial Mounds. She liked to crawl around the house, babbling about this and that while Wei Ying watched her. Soon she would start to walk.
Lan Wangji hoped he could be there to witness those first steps.
Even now Wei Ying hadn’t acknowledged him as Lian-er’s father.
Lan Wangji never asked him to.
It remained an unspoken secret between them both, and that was fine.
The healer bowed to Lan Wangji and helped Wei Ying put his robes back on, then excused himself.
Lan Wangji bowed to him, then approached Wei Ying.
Wei Ying was bedridden due to his punishments. He hadn’t walked more than a few steps in half a year and it was clearly showing.
He had once been athletic, never bulky but never weak either. After his descend into demonic cultivation he had lost plenty of muscle, but even then his body was lean with muscles.
Now he was frail, his flesh soft with disuse.
He wasn’t malnourished at least; Lan Wangji personally made sure of this.
“Wei Ying,” he greeted.
Wei Ying glanced at him from the corners of his eyes while Lan Wangji walked into his field of vision. Unless he had to, Wei Ying tended not to move his head to look at people. Even such a small movement caused him immense pain.
“How are you feeling?”
“Do you really want the answer to that?”
Lan Wangji moved the seat the healer had used previously so he could sit in front of Wei Ying where they could look at each other comfortably.
“I always want to know,” he assured, taking Wei Ying’s hand, making sure not to move it more than necessary.
Wei Ying gave him a look. He always did so when Lan Zhan was overtly affectionate with him. It was disbelief, paired with the sentiment that he did not deserve such warmth.
Lan Zhan would never stop giving him affection though, he would never treat him as all others had.
Wei Ying gave a sigh.
“I was told today… that my body is under such immense stress, due to the punishments, that even if it was stopped, I wouldn’t be able to experience heats for years… maybe even forever,” he said in a monotonous voice.
Lan Zhan squeezed his hand ever so gently, looking at him still.
“Wei Ying?” he prompted.
“I mean, that’s great, isn’t it?” Wei Ying replied, “You’ll probably never have to risk walking in on me when I’m in heat.”
Lan Zhan frowned.
“Wei Ying…”
Wei Ying raised an eyebrow at him.
“What? You want that to happen again? No need to spare my feelings, Hanguang-Jun,” he said averting his eyes. “I know what happened between us wasn’t intended or even right,” he added, softer.
Lan Zhan squeezed Wei Ying’s hand to get his attention.
“Wei Ying… I do not regret it,” he insisted, but Wei Ying scoffed.
“When we parted… you couldn’t bring yourself to even look me in the eyes!”
This, Lan Zhan knew, was true. He had felt so ashamed of himself for taking advantage of an omega in heat instead of controlling himself. He should have kept Wei Ying safe until the heat passed and maybe then discussed their respective feelings, if at all… never should he have given in to his desire and taken what he wanted from someone who wouldn’t refuse or deny him.
He lowered his head.
Wei Ying huffed.
“See? Even now you can’t stand to be reminded of it.”
“No!” Lan Zhan denied quickly.
Wei Ying looked at him.
“Lan Zhan, you don’t need to refute it,” he said softly. “I know who and what I am. I know you never would have laid your hands on me if you’d had a choice-” he continued, but Lan Zhan cut him off.
“No.”
Wei Ying raised an eyebrow.
“That is not why,” Lan Zhan said. He rose from the stool next to Wei Ying’s bed and sat on its edge instead. “I should not have taken advantage of you, just because of my own feelings. I should have waited, courted, asked for permission…”
Wei Ying, having tensed up when Lan Zhan sat on the bed next to him, relaxed ever so slightly while gazing up at Lan Zhan, uncomprehending and disbelieving.
“What feelings, Lan Zhan. You hate me,” he muttered.
Now it was Lan Zhan’s turn to look at Wei Ying, uncomprehending and disbelieving.
“… Why… why would I come here… every day, if I hated you?” he asked.
“For Lian-er? Because you are honorable and righteous, and won’t let a prisoner suffer, even if they deserve it?”
Lan Zhan could practically feel his hair falling out like rain and his heart melting into a puddle of black oil.
He was wondering if this was what hysteria felt like.
“Wei Ying…” he choked out. “I have never hated you.”
Wei Ying didn’t look convinced.
“You definitely hated me back when we were studying here,” he pointed out.
Lan Zhan let out a huff, then shook his head, smiling ever so faintly.
“Not even then,” he said.
He said it so softly, yet confidently that Wei Ying was taken aback by it.
“I didn’t understand myself then. I thought I disliked you, because you were so different… I thought you were wrong for breaking the rules,” he continued. “I don’t know when, but I began to understand that… there were rules that needed to be broken.”
Wei Ying had not been prepared to hear such a thing. He looked stricken, his eyes glittering even. He bit his lip and shook his head despite the pain in his back.
Lan Zhan reached out to stop him from causing himself more pain, his fingers grazing Wei Ying’s face softly.
“Please, do not hurt yourself,” he said, withdrawing when Wei Ying stopped moving.
“It’s because I’m an omega…” Wei Ying tried to argue, “Your instinct makes you want to-” but Lan Zhan cut him off.
“You don’t smell like an omega right now. Your scent has been diluted and overpowered by the scent of blood. I can’t even smell the milk on you anymore,” he pointed out. “I have come to understand my feelings when we were apart. When we… when we shared in your heat… I acted on my long-held feelings.”
Wei Ying closed his eyes. He was torn between joy and rage; wanting to believe Lan Zhan and wanting to shout at him, to thrash him for withholding this truth from him for so long; for letting him believe he was pregnant without a partner, for letting him believe that he would forever have to love their daughter alone.
He couldn’t even acknowledge his own feelings towards Lan Zhan, because he was too far beyond hoping for a happy ending where he and Lan Zhan could be together; because it didn’t matter anymore.
He was alive now for one reason only, that being his daughter. He wasn’t even allowed to see A-Yuan since the boy had been taken in as a disciple. Lan Wangji had adopted him as his own officially, making Lan Yuan a member of the clan. This meant that the watchful gaze of Lan Qiren and the clan’s elders was on him now.
The boy fit in quite nicely with the other children, his sweet and quiet disposition being praised at all times.
But this also meant that the boy wouldn’t be exposed to negative influences… such as Wei Wuxian.
Lan Wangji sometimes brought him to visit anyway, sneaking A-Yuan into the Gentian house to have a few precious hours with his Xian-Gege.
After the examination, when A-Yuan was registered as a war orphan, Wei Wuxian had never again claimed him as his own.
Lan Wangji was not so easily fooled into forgetting his prior insistence, but he was also not one to push Wei Ying on things he didn’t want to disclose.
On some level Wei Wuxian understood this. He knew that so many things Lan Zhan did were acts of utterly selfless kindness. The type that he had the forfeit the right to receive…
“Wei Ying?” Lan Zhan whispered when the other hadn’t said a thing or moved in a long time, wondering if he had passed out.
Wei Ying gave a light squeeze of Lan Zhan’s hand.
The silence between them continued until Lian-er woke from her nap.
Lan Zhan rose from Wei Ying’s bed and moved over to the crib that held their daughter. He gently picked her up and rocked her.
Lian-er squirmed and whined. She was about ten months old now, but Wei Ying still allowed her to nurse from him when she wanted – which was often.
The healer said it may be because of the stress Wei Wuxian was experiencing. It rubbed off on Lian-er, making her more clingy and dependent on him.
As a result of this, the suggestion had been brought up, to take Lian-er away from Wei Wuxian, but it had been quickly dropped when Wei Wuxian threatened go on a rampage if he was separated from his daughter.
Lan Wangji had also refused to entertain the idea, reminding everyone that the terms of Wei Wuxian’s punishment clearly stated that he would be the one to raise his children.
After Lan Yuan was kept away from Wei Ying, at least Wei Lian should be allowed to be raised by him.
Of course, as she was a Wei and not a Lan there was hardly any protest.
Lan Zhan brought Lian-er to Wei Ying, sitting down with her in his arms so that she could look at her mother.
She immediately perked up and babbled happily at him.
Wei Ying smiled. “Hello, my love,” he greeted, reaching out one hand to gently nudge Lian-er’s pudgy arm. She immediately pawed at his hand and wiggled in Lan Zhan’s lap.
Lan Zhan smiled softly.
He wouldn’t dare say it out loud, but Lian-er was his pride and joy. He loved her just as fiercely as he loved Wei Ying. Even if it wasn’t his place, even if Wei Ying didn’t want him to be her father, he couldn’t help but love her.
Lian-er eventually wasn’t satisfied with sitting in Lan Zhan’s lap, unable to be close to her mother and protested until he put her with Wei Ying.
Both parents knew what to do next, and so Lan Zhan moved to bring a pillow behind Wei Ying’s back, supporting him while he was sat up so he could cradle Lian-er more comfortably. All the while Wei Ying hid his face against Lan Zhan’s shoulder, sometimes even biting down on the fabric of his collar to keep from vocalizing his pain.
Once he was settled, and after giving him a moment to compose himself, Lan Zhan sat Lian-er in Wei Ying’s lap.
Lian-er was a sticky child.
Wei Ying had once told Lan Zhan that her milkname had been Nianmi. Lan Zhan hadn’t said it, but in his heart he suspected Wei Ying called her sticky honey not just because of her personality.
Lian-er snuggled into Wei Ying’s chest, one hand curled into the fabric of his robe. Wei Ying smiled at her and ran his hand through her hair.
He never let her see his pain. Even so, the girl obviously sensed that her mother was in pain a lot of the time.
Lan Zhan watched the two of them for a while before asking if he should prepare something light to eat for Lian-er.
Wei Ying told him it wasn’t necessary. Lian-er would nurse from him so long as he had milk to offer.
As expected she latched on after a while, looking up at Wei Ying with those same golden eyes as her father’s.
She was no longer a tiny baby that would only squirm and wiggle while nursing. She often reached with her hand to touch Wei Ying’s hair, playing with the long strands framing his face, or feeling the fabric of his robe.
After a while Wei Ying tore his gaze from her and looked at Lan Zhan, who sat on the edge of the bed again, his eyes so impossibly soft as he watched them both.
“Why didn’t you claim her?” asked Wei Ying suddenly.
Lan Zhan blinked, then knit his eyebrows slightly. He looked at Lian-er, then back at Wei Ying.
“Because it isn’t my right to do so,” he said easily.
Wei Ying clicked his tongue.
“Surely you know that she is yours. You know the moment you looked at her eyes. Why wouldn’t it be your right?” he asked, caressing Lian-er’s cheek as she nuzzled into his chest.
Lan Zhan looked at him.
“Wei Ying, you carried and birthed her. If you never wished to acknowledge me as her father, I would never force you,” he said. “I believe that you had your reasons not to reveal it.”
Wei Ying bit his lip in contemplation, averting his eyes, then nodding to himself.
“I… it… having her with me… would have ruined any chances for you to find a wife from a good family,” he said, still not meeting Lan Zhan’s eyes as though he were speaking to himself rather than to him. “You would have taken responsibility like the good, righteous, honorable alpha you are and taken her, and maybe even me in…” he muttered, gazing down at Lian-er who wasn’t really suckling for milk anymore, rather just enjoying the closeness and comfort in Wei Ying’s arms.
“If I had said it during the siege, nobody would have believed me… even after seeing her eyes, they would have accused me of trying to use your good name to my advantage or whatever… and now… if I let her become Lan Lian, they would take her from me like they did with A-Yuan...”
Lan Zhan nodded, understanding. He reached out, his fingertips brushing Wei Ying’s cheek, startling the omega into looking at him.
“I understand, Wei Ying,” he assured. “She never needs to become Lan Lian for me to be her father.”
Wei Ying’s eyes burned. He wanted to lean into Lan Zhan’s touch, to nuzzle the palm of his hand, to be held and loved… but he couldn’t. A tear fell from his eyes.
“But I am worthless now. You should move on… forget us and find a better wife. Have little Lans with her and be happy,” he said, his heart breaking further with every word he said.
“Don’t be tied down by me… don’t be tied down for 25 years just for me. There is nothing I could give to you at this point, I-”
Lan Zhan cut him off, slipping his hand down from Wei Ying’s cheek to his nape, holding his gaze with a fierce glint in his golden eyes.
“No other,” he said. “Only Wei Ying,” he added after a moment.
Wei Ying took a shuddering breath. In his arms Lian-er stirred and sat up, looking in confusion at them.
“Don’t need more than her and A-Yuan,” Lan Zhan insisted, gently pulling Lian-er against himself and covered her other ear with his hand, making it so she could neither hear nor see what he did next.
Leaning in close to Wei Ying, he said:
“Even if I never touch you again, even if I never see you again, never speak to you again, there will be no other. Only Wei Ying.”
Wei Ying sobbed.
“Lan Zhan…!” he breathed, sounding so broken. How could Lan Zhan possibly mean even a single word of what he had said? How could he tie himself to someone like him? A murderer, a prisoner, a nobody? How could he settle for damaged goods when he could have the most beautiful, pure and elegant omegas kissing the hem of his robe?
He could do so much better, and yet he wants to take someone who may never even be able to embrace him, let alone give him a true heir…
Lan Zhan could practically hear Wei Ying’s thoughts running in circles, and he leaned in even closer.
“Wei Ying,” he called out softly. “I love you.”
When he pulled away to look into Wei Ying’s eyes he released Lian-er who had long since begun to squirm out of his grasp as sat between them. She pawed at him, babbling something that sounded suspiciously like mama and love.
Wei Ying was left reeling while Lan Zhan slowly turned to look down at Lian-er and smiled.
“Yes,” he said to her when she repeated herself at him. “I love your mama. I have loved him for a long time,” he told her softly. “And I love you too,” he added when Lian-er fell silent.
She gaped at him a few times, seemingly unsure what to call him.
“He is baba, Lian-er,” Wei Ying spoke up at last.
Lian-er gaped a few more times, then managed to say something that probably meant baba.
Wei Ying smiled.
“Yes, baba,” he agreed.
Lian-er grabbed Wei Ying’s finger and looked at Lan Zhan.
“Love baba!” she proclaimed.
Lan Zhan smiled.
He looked up at Wei Ying, holding his gaze while reaching up behind his own head. Untying his forehead band.
He held it in his hands for a moment, then chuckled and gave it to Lian-er. “This means we are a family,” he told her, then looked at Wei Ying.
Wei Ying looked at Lan Zhan, then down at Lian-er, who promptly shoved one end of the band into her mouth.
Instead of getting upset or even saying anything against this, Lan Zhan merely ruffled her hair and smiled at Wei Ying.
He reached out again, slowly, looking for any sign that Wei Ying didn’t want him to touch, but it never came.
He cradled Wei Ying’s cheek and leaned in close.
“Wei Ying?”
“Lan Zhan…”
He closed the distance between them.
It was a soft, chaste kiss at first, neither daring to deepen it until Wei Ying let out a pained whimper. Lan Zhan was about to pull away when Wei Ying held onto his arm to keep him in place and kissed him again.
It hurt more this way, but it didn’t matter. He licked into Lan Zhan’s mouth until Lan Zhan began biting at his lips, retaliating until Wei Ying was out of breath.
When they parted he was gasping for air, a whimper on his lips as he had strained too much, aggravating his injuries.
Lian-er gave a noise of protest, still chewing on Lan Zhan’s forehead band.
He stroked her head apologetically. He hated it just as much as she did to see Wei Ying in pain. Wei Ying however was happy. He smiled like he hadn’t smiled in months if not years.
“Lan Zhan, it was you!” he accused.
Lan Zhan raised an eyebrow.
“On Phoenix Mountain!”