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You hadn’t meant for it to get this far, but it had become so routine that you wouldn’t, or couldn’t, spend time thinking about it. It had always been a thought in the back of your mind, a whispering voice – starving yourself, throwing meals back up, anyway to avoid having food in you. When you worked in the city, it was easier to ignore, going to the pub after work or going for coffee was a daily activity after slaving away to Joja Corporation. But when you decided to pack up your things and move to your grandfather’s old farm, despite everything else getting better, it just got worse.
The idea of moving to a small town, where everyone knows each other, sounded great. You didn’t quite realise that a small town didn’t necessarily mean everyone’s houses were right next to each other. You were left with a seemingly giant farm, full of weeds, rocks and trees. Not everyone was as social as others, and even for those that were, it was a trek to see anyone. You weren’t surprised that farming was hard, but that didn’t mean you were prepared for just how hard it was. You’d spend hours just tilling soil, planting and watering the crops – let alone cutting trees and pulling up weeds. By the time you had finished your farm work for the day, all you wanted to do was shower and collapse into your bed. Which is exactly what you did.
You did try your best to talk to people, even get to know the owner of the local ranch despite not being sure how you would fit animals into your schedule. You were shocked to see how many young people there were, you had thought it be full of elderly people. And yet with all the people you’d say hello to passing by, some responding nicer than others, you weren’t big with actually spending time with them. You had never been a social butterfly back in the city, but something about the vastness of the valley made you saunter back into your shell.
It wasn’t until a week or two into living there that you had noticed the change. Working with crops had really put you off food, anyone would be if they saw the worms around their vegetables. It just started out as that, not wanting to eat your own produce and opted to sell them all instead. It didn’t take long until it was any food you knew had been grown around the valley, and then any food that wasn’t straight from the freezer section from JojaMart. You hadn't even noticed that you went off food completely until the owner of the ranch commented on how your face seemed to look skinner. It wasn’t too noticable, but it was enough to make you realise what was happening.
It was routine, you’d walk in from a long day of work and trying to have small talk with one or two people and go straight to grab a can of soda out of the fridge. When you’d eventually pass by a mirror, you’d just stare at yourself – seeing something new you hadn’t noticed the day before. Be it your eyes being more sunken in or your wrist popping out a bit more. Even then, you didn’t have the energy to eat anything. You would just clean yourself, get into your bed and scroll on your phone until you couldn’t keep your eyes open anymore.
The spring weather suited you well, it wasn’t freezing cold but it wasn’t warm enough for short sleeved shirts or shorts alone. Which was fine, you could just throw on jeans and a hoodie when you’d have to make your weekly visit to the Stardrop Saloon. You were told about it when you first arrived by the mayor, every Friday most of the town was in the saloon so it was a great place to just relax and have fun with the people you got on with. You didn’t particularly know anyone close enough to spend hours talking, racking up a bill not keeping track of how many drinks you had ordered. It was more of a treat for yourself, since the food was amazing, or at least that’s how you looked at it at first. You’d say hi and have small chit chat before ordering what you felt like having that night and sitting down at an empty table, and you’d take in the atmosphere of everyone having a good time. By the time your appetite dried up, you couldn’t help but still go and try to eat as much as you could.
With that, what had been a nice occassion to try to fit in with your new life had become your most dreaded day of the week. Waking up every Friday to the sick feeling in your stomach, that you knew what would be coming that night, how it felt like you were going to throw your guts up just by seeing other people eating. Made all the worse by the feeling of being stared at by everyone when you’d move food with your fork but never pick up, only to get up and pay and tell the owner how great the food was. You tried to tell yourself it was just paranoia, but you couldn’t shake the feeling that simply being in the saloon meant you were being watched – judged.
Paranoia only made worse by the entrance of summer. Within a few days it was too warm to even walk without having a drink on hand. That wasn’t an issue, staying hydrated was easy – hiding your deterioration wasn’t. Something about the late days and even earlier mornings made your paleness more obvious, made your shakiness more obvious, made everything too obvious. You couldn’t even work on the farm in peace, feeling like you were stabbed by ice before the swealting weather engulfed you again – making the feeling of your stomach eating away at itself almost unbearable. But when you’d have to face everyone else, you still put on a thin hoodie of some kind. It was easier to act like you had a skinny build when people could only see your legs.
Then the Luau came, you weren’t sure what you were expecting but it probably couldn’t have been worse. A whole celebration with the main feature where everyone contributes to a massive pot of soup. You had already said that you didn’t have anything to contribute, you didn’t mention how it was because half of your crops died since you had completely forgotten to water them. You spent the whole event by one of the long tables, a plate in hand with food you knew you weren’t going to eat. You couldn’t help but stare at it, despite feeling sick at the smell of everything. When you looked up, you noticed someone from one of the side tables not so subtlely staring at you. Not angry, not sad – just staring. You knew him, just a little bit, since he was related to the owner of the ranch but was never in the mood for any type of small talk. Just as quickly as you saw him doing it, the stubbly man’s eyes diverted back the food he had picked out for himself. Perhaps you weren’t being paranoid for no reason afterall.
All that night you were stuck tossing and turning with the humidity, even with an electric fan it was enough to keep you up. Not helped by the thoughts that wouldn’t leave no matter how hard you tried to force them to. Why were you afraid of people seeing you, was it that you hated what you became or was it that you didn’t want to be judged? Did it really matter if the only person staring was the most antisocial person around, who wouldn’t say anything anyway? Luckily enough for you, something inside hit you like a brick and you passed out before the thoughts had a chance to completely engulf you.
When you woke up, you felt lucky for a second before you realised what day it was – another Friday had crepted up on you again. Followed by the realisation that this day may be the worst day of the whole season, it wasn’t boiling hot but the humidity was enough to choke anyone no matter how used to it they could get. It definitely wasn’t the weather to wear a hoodie in, it would probably send someone to the ER if they tried to. But recognising that fact was too much, at least for first thing in the morning. You went to do your daily chores around the farm, trying to ignore the horrorifying reality of what would happen in the evening. Once the chores were done, instead of going to see anyone, you stayed inside and sat in front of the fan and scrolled on your phone.
If anything, doing that just made time move quicker. You got up to get dressed, deciding to try to survive with jeans and a short sleeved t-shirt. Anything more and you’d burn, anything less and you’d be exposed to everyone. You tried to move your hair around to look more...presentable. That’s the best you could do with sunken in eyes and skin so pale you might aswell be monochrome. That was good enough just for getting a bite to eat.
You entered the Saloon with the cheerist face you could make, saying hello to the mayor and ranch owner. They were already in the middle of their own conversation, so apart from greetings, the rest of the night would be you at your own table alone. As soon as Gus told you the dish of the day, you ordered it immediately – the salmon dinner. You hadn’t even bothered trying to fish before, but salmon had been one of your favourite foods to have in the city. For the first time in weeks, the sickly feeling seemed to have eased up at the sound of salmon. You made your way to your table excitedly when you were given the dish, almost going straight into eating it when you sat down.
You slowed down about half way through the dish, mainly just to enjoy the moment you found yourself in, having a good dish and actually wanting to eat it. You looked around and everything seemed to be the usual Friday setup – the creatives were at their own table rambling on, an older woman you didn’t really know practically passed out on the bar, the younger trio playing pool in the back...and the same loner from the day before, staring in the same way from the other side of the room. He usually just stared into the wall ahead of him, which he went back to soon after recognising that you saw him, face unchanging as if nothing had even happened. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t a little weirded out, you had been so used to just existing detached from everyone. You looked back down at your food and finished it, and left the money on the table.
As you stepped out into the saloon, the first thing that hit you wasn’t the humidity but a cool breeze that had picked up. It was refreshing, like a cold shower. You started to saunter around the corner to start your walk back to your farmhouse, relishing in the welcomed coolness. It wasn’t long before the humidity took center stage again, and the breeze seemed to lighten. At the same time, a strange feeling overcame you. Like being lightheaded and overheating, you started getting tunnel vision and leaned on the wall of the saloon for support. An awful taste overwhelmed you and before you could even register what was happening, everything you had happily eaten was a half digested mess on the ground, streaming out of your nose and mouth. All you could do was look at it as your vision started to correct itself. How...why?
“Why the fuck would you do that?”
You looked up, only to see the figure of the same loner from inside the saloon standing at the corner. He usually never left this early, and for once in all the time you’d been here, he had been the one to speak first. All you could do was stare blankly while waiting for your head to go back to normal.
“That’s just a waste of money. Why do you even bother?”
You straightened your back, hand still using the wall for support and tried to speak, even though you weren’t even thinking about anything you had heard.
“What?”
“It’s not like you eat anyway so why do you waste your money every week?”
You started realise what you were actually hearing, and there was something that felt even worse about hearing someone else say it to your face so bluntly.
“I do eat...I just-”
He stepped forward.
“Don’t be stupid, I’m not blind.”
Seeing him a bit closer, you saw that he actually looked a bit pissed off – or was that how he normally looked? You couldn’t really remember, you could barely process what was happening. You didn’t even realise why your face started feeling wet after a minute or so, you didn’t even know why you were crying. Shane sighed, whether he was more annoyed at you or himself you couldn’t tell.
“No, don’t...Ugh, come with me.”
The older bachelor walked over and grabbed your arm, gentler than you expected, and started dragging you down a familiar route. You didn’t really have a choice but to walk along with him, you were too tired to argue.
Next thing you knew, you were sat down in the kitchen you had seen out of the corner of your eye plenty of times. The oven had been set to heat up quickly and some frozen pizza had been put on a pizza tray, ready to be thrown in for fifteen minutes. Shane had grabbed some Joja branded can out of the fridge and was standing next to the oven, though was more focused on keeping his eye on you for whatever reason. There wasn’t a lot for you to do in the silence apart from lean against the wall and scroll through your phone, the repulsive taste still somewhat in your mouth.
It didn’t feel like fifteen minutes when Shane opened the oven again, quickly grabbing the tray and throwing it on the side and waving his hand to make it stop burning. He opened some drawer and started trying to cut along the pre-made lines, saying ‘shit’ under his breath at some point. As quickly as the pizza came out, it was thrown onto a plate and onto the table in front of you. He grabbed another can out of the fridge and put it on your side of the table, before sitting down opposite you and grabbing a slice for himself.
“That side’s yours, and you’re not throwing it up.”
As bluntly serious as usual, he went ahead and started eating his slice, going from chewing to drinking from his can without a care.
“I didn’t-”
You just sighed instead of finishing your sentence, after all – you couldn’t blame him for thinking what he did based on how you looked and what he saw happen. It’s not like you were upset with what he was doing, it was sweet – especially coming from him. If anything, you were hoping someone would help you somehow. Maybe not him specifically but it definitely changed how you saw him.
You looked down at the oven pizza, and it didn’t turn your stomach as much as you expected. It had been one of the last things you felt okay eating before stopping altogether, so it was actually a good choice for the weird intervention. You still weren’t sure what the drink actually was, since your ability to smell was still ruined from earlier, but anything to get rid of the taste was good. You opened the can and swore you somehow chugged half of it without even trying. Even the man across the table looked a bit confused. After cleansing your palate of the incident, you took a second before reaching over to try pick up a slice.
It seemed to take a long time to even each one slice, by the time you were done with it Shane had already finished his half and had gone to get another can. You expected him to complain or mock you, but he didn’t – he just kinda stared at you. It took you more until half way through the second slice for you to realise that he was making sure you were actually putting in effort to eat. By the time the second piece was gone, he started looking between you and his phone.
But the feeling had come back, a nauseous hunger that makes you wish you could pull your stomach out through your mouth. You could barely look at the last two slices without feeling like you’d bring everything back up, but you didn’t have the energy to scroll through your phone. All you could do was look at your can in your hand, and it was obvious.
“Come on, you’re doing good.”
Despite the bluntness in his voice, it felt nice to hear. There was something nicer about it coming from someone who was usually rude to everyone. If it was in any other situation, it could probably be seen as something more romantic, or would it? You couldn’t even really think about it, you had no clue what time it was and the tiredness was finally hitting you.
It was another stretch until you finished the third slice, though you didn’t even try to eat the crust. It took you longer to chew, and it must’ve been obvious that the events of the day had finally made you exhausted. Shane sighed, looking away from the last slice left behind and got up. He went into his room, moved something around and went into Marnie’s room. When he came out, he had some light blanket and brought it back into his room. He reappeared once again and went over to you, placing his hands on your shoulders and sighing.
“Come on, you need to get some sleep.”
You knew you were tired, but you didn’t realise just how much your body had already started falling asleep until you stood up and could barely stay balanced. Shane helped to walk you over to his bed, practically just a matress, pillow and the light blanket from Marnie’s room. You sat on the bed and fell onto it, you were already half asleep just by lying down.
“There’s uh, a blanket there...if you need it.”
And with that, he walked to the doorframe and stood there until you passed out completely, which wasn’t long. He sighed and walked back over to the lonely slice, not letting it go to waste. He pulled one of the dining chairs to the door frame and sat there, finishing the last slice before occasionally checking his phone inbetween drinking from his can. He had awhile to sit and think about things, one of which would be how he would explain to Marnie why the farmer was passed out in his bed.