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has it always been this way? has she always felt an ineffable nonplatonic love towards her junior sister? zuo qingluan constantly found herself in a seemingly endless chasm of questions on her feelings towards zhao ge. the only person who has shown her genuine love and brought her comfort during their youth years, when she felt that the weight of responsibilities was painstakingly crushing on her, the only person who was her breath of fresh air amidst the cold, pressuring mist of extremely high expectations. zuo qingluan was always pushed by her master to become the best cultivator that the continent could have ever known, to become the celestial goddess that the other disciples would look up to. it is for these reasons that she spent literally most of her hours practicing, making sure to commit no flaw in her swordsmanship, crafts, and honing the famous Ice Bird. it was no doubt that she barely gave herself time to rest, however when she did, she’d always be accused by her master of slacking off.
now she had pleased everyone and had everything: to be known as the celestial goddess, as the most powerful female cultivator of her generation and a near claim of the spiritual princess position. but what was it that was still missing? what is it that her spirit is still craving for despite the years worth of blood, sweat, and tears she shed? why was her heart still not contented?
“shijie!” someone from behind her called. it was mu yao.
“shijie, I have to ask you something. why do you want to the border again? we’ve gone there for three times this week already and i still can’t pinpoint the reason..” she asked, sitting beside zuo qingluan and setting her sword down.
the older sister let out a faint smile as she looked up and gazed at the majestic waterfalls. “to tell you honestly mu yao,”
zuo qingluan paused momentarily, contemplating whether she should tell the truth about her wanting to take zhao ge back in the celestial palace or just come up with a white lie. she chose the latter.
“it’s just this gut feeling of mine that you know… we might be needed there. what if there’s a demonic beast that attacks the town and harms the humans again? remember what happened months ago? now who’ll defend those innocent people?” she replied, facing mu yao.
for what it’s worth, zuo qingluan technically didn’t entirely lie. as powerful and well-trained cultivators, they needed to be the ones the fight for the people, to bravely face whatever evil creature or presence there was. that’s what they swore to live up to. however this time, zuo qingluan’s thoughts were more concentrated mainly on reconciling with zhao ge , doing whatever it takes to find a cure for her.
mu yao’s eyes brimmed with so much adoration, “shijie, you are such a compassionate cultivator, saving people’s lives and ensuring safety for all.. you really do deserve to be the spiritual princess!”
“of course. that’s what we celestial palace disciples vowed, wasn’t it? now, let us go.”
____________
the travel to the border didn’t take long as they either just flew or rode on their swords. zuo qingluan was silent the entire trip, not even uttering a single word as she looks back on the memories she created with zhao ge. the way the latter would cheer her up whenever she felt that the weight of the world was crushing on her, the way zhao ge would greet her with that endearing smile of hers that lit up zuo qingluan’s entire world, and the way she’d tuck her senior sister’s wreathing bands behind her ears. she missed it. she missed her zhao ge’s presence.
as soon as they arrived, zuo qingluan instructed mu yao to go ahead and settle down in an inn as she had private matters to attend to.
she then spent her time just walking around the border and silently praying that zhao ge was near. god, did she miss her voice and her smile.
as if having the gods answer her prayers, as soon as she turned to the right direction, she found her. zhao ge wore a light rose, sleeveless dress underneath a lavender-colored cardigan. her hair was messily but beautifully tamed into a bun. although her size made some people in the celestial palace view her with such disgust, zuo qingluan had always been enamored with zhao ge; no matter what size she was, no matter what her cultivation level was, she loved every bit of zhao ge.
zuo qingluan approached her and called out for her name, “zhao ge!”
once she heard it, she turned around as she greeted her elder sister with a smile. it really has been a long time.
“shi-goddess qingluan!”
there was something in her tone of voice that somehow made zuo qingluan’s heart sink. was it the reluctance? reluctance to call her shijie again? was it because zhao ge, a low-level cursed cultivator, did not want to be seen with the most powerful goddess and future spiritual princess?
pushing the thoughts aside, the first words that came out of her lips were the ones that she’s been dying to tell her: “i miss you so much, zhao ge.”
“i miss you too,” she replied while fixing her bun.
“let’s go. do you want to eat somewhere?”
zhao ge’s eyes suddenly lit up, brimming with glee. “hmm, there’s this noodle place that feng wu brought me to, and it’d be nice if you get to try the dishes!”
zuo qingluan’s face almost grew dark upon hearing the name, looking away. it was a good thing though, that she manage to appear nonchalant about it.
“sure, let’s go there then.”
“zhao ge, have you ever thought of going back to the celestial palace?” she asked, suddenly bringing up the subject after discussing about their respective lives. they were now situated in the noodle place that zhao ge was referring to earlier.
after a couple of mouthfuls, she answered, “what’s the point? no one wants me there anyways. I mean, why would they? in their eyes, I’m just a.. fat, good-for-nothing cultivator who betrayed the palace..” zhao ge’s voice gradually saddened, opposite to how she felt just minutes ago when food was served to their table.
but zhao ge… I want you, more than anything. I want to bring you back, to make sure you don’t experience the harshness of this world anymore. I’ve always loved and looked after you, and I’m afraid that someday I won’t get to protect you..
zuo qingluan just looked at zhao ge, wondering how could she have been a neglectful senior sister to the person she loved the most? until now, she hasn’t been able to find a cure for zhao ge’s illness, despite years of finding one and creating medicine after medicine.
“zhao ge, don’t say that, you know y-“
“shijie, I do appreciate your concern but,”
but what? why do you keep on pushing me away? why is it that every time I reach out to you, you always distance yourself even more?
zhao ge continued, heaving a sigh that she’d been holding, “but I know you have plenty of burdens right now. being the celestial goddess is tiring, and I don’t want to add up to those weighing responsibilities.”
zuo qingluan was saddened over her response. she just couldn’t understand it. after all the years, why does zhao ge still not think that she’s worthy of her love? of her time and being?
if only you knew..
“hmm? what’s that, shijie?” zhao ge asked, raising both of her brows slightly.
unbeknownst to zuo qingluan, her thoughts were racing so much that she hadn’t noticed that she was already thinking out loud. fortunately, she was able to get back quickly.
“nothing, nothing. i’ll have to go back now. please, zhao ge, take care of yourself.” shaking her head, zuo zingluan said. as much as she wanted to spend her entire day (and her entire life) with zhao ge, she couldn’t. she immediately received a message from the celestial palace, asking for her presence.
months have passed since zhao ge was finally liberated from her curse, and zuo qingluan finally felt happy and relieved. although, who would’ve known that feng wu successfully surpassing the peerless tower would cause her blood to boil even more? she felt selfish, often thinking how she should be grateful now that zhao ge was lifted off the curse, but a part of her stings. the fact that she thought she was too much of a coward to go to the tower herself for the fear of having everything she’s world hard for be wasted.
now that zhao get had successfully made it through jun wu academy’s examinations, zuo qingluan felt ecstatic at the thought of getting to spend time with her, helping her rebuild her cultivation foundation to reconnect the closeness they once had.
she was now walking alone along junwu academy’s premises when she saw at the periphery of her eyes a srat that shone so brightly amidst the sun’s radiance- zhao ge. she was situated in a small circular shed together with two of jun linyuan’s colleagues. seeing that zhao ge wasn’t alone, she retracted her steps from approaching and averted her gaze forward, seeming as if not noticing them. not now, she thought. she wanted to be alone with her.
however, she couldn’t help not sparing a glance, seeming involuntarily, her eyes worked its way towards zhao ge’s direction. as soon as she did so, she caught zhao ge staring back at her, with mouth slightly agape as if she was supposed to say something but hesitatingly held herself back. zuo qingluan pretended not to notice it, but her heart was clinging onto that hope of zhao ge wanting to converse with her.