Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

One more semester. Just one more. You can do it.

Joel gritted his teeth as he braced himself and stepped into the lecture hall, not really ready to start a course where he would have to write essays and take tests and, more likely than not, fail. 

If not for the graduation requirements, he would never even step into this building. ‘Ecology and Environmental Sciences’? He sure was glad scholars existed in this field, but he sure did not want to become one. But all his other options seemed to contain more despair, and with the weak points of ‘this is not physics’ and ‘at least the professor is known to be nice’, he managed to persuade himself into choosing this course in plant diversity.

Most of the seats were full. Joel tucked himself away at the corner of the lecture hall, propping up his laptop and scanning the room. He did not expect the amount of people in this class, and he expected less enthusiasm than the other students seemed to have. Some girls were excitedly chatting; the guy in front of him was typing away on his phone fast, presumably texting a friend; the front rows squeezed in way more people than he had ever seen.

Naive freshmen. Or sophomore. Something along those lines, Joel thought to himself.

The noise spontaneously grew then dropped to silence. Joel turned back only in time to see the door of the lecture hall open and slowly shut with no passer in sight, but the familiar silence of the presence of a professor urged him to realize otherwise.

A person he assumed to be an older student made his way up towards the podium, kneeling down to lean his bag against the wall before standing up and smiling to the room.

‘Good afternoon. My name is Etho and I will be your professor for this course.’

He was tall, good-looking for a college professor, and perhaps young as well, with long hair too blond to have color. Joel watched him take out his glasses and laptop from his bag, his back facing the students, and a phone camera flash came from a few seats behind Joel. Joel scoffs internally.

Freshmen with no decency. Dream about him all you want but there’s literally a law stopping him from dating you.

The professor himself didn’t seem to notice nor mind. He turned around, his glasses on his nose, the leftover smile on his thin lips softening his formal-attire sternness. 

‘I am beyond happy to see a full lecture hall and your enthusiasm for the course reassures me, but as the department requires, I will now take attendance. Please simply answer “here” when you hear your full name, and I apologize in advance for messing anyone’s name up.’

A boring process, especially with such a large class. Joel knew he would never manage to regain his attention for the following lecture if he drifted away this early on, and he forced himself to actively listen to the professor read the attendance list.

‘Joel Beans?’

For unknown reasons, his first attempt to answer failed and the ‘here’ lagged in his throat.

‘Joel? Are you present?’

Joel coughed, gaining unwanted attention. ‘Uh, here.’

The professor smiled at him understandingly and wasted no time to continue, and the unwanted attention gradually faded. Joel touched his face; a bit warmer than he would have preferred.

Did I take my anxiety meds today?

Chapter Text

Joel fully expected himself to be capable of at least understanding the reading assigned after the first lecture. Sure, he was not a sciencey plant lover, but at the very least he was literate, and therefore the way none of the word combinations made sense shocked him even after the last three years of college.

His roommate tapped his shoulder and he jerked, sitting up from his distorted posture.

‘What?’

‘Lizzie brought us food. Thought you’d like some.’ Scott leaned over and looked at his laptop screen. ‘That doesn’t look very… comprehensible. What’s that for?’

‘Plant diversity. You’re absolutely right it does not.’ Joel stretched and accidentally punched Scott in the process, who was going to retaliate, and Lizzie’s call from the living room was the only thing stopping Joel from suffocation by jacket.

They sat around two large pizza boxes on the living room floor, with napkin carcasses and half a dozen of cola scattered around them.

‘So how’s everyone’s day?’ Lizzie made an attempt at covering her mouth while speaking, but that did not work too well and her voice came out way too muffled.

‘Good.’

‘Terrible.’

Scott and Joel answered simultaneously.

‘Aww Joel… did someone call you short again?’

Scott bursted into laughter. Joel tried his best to not punch him again - purposefully this time - and failed.

‘For one last time that’s simply incorrect and I am average height! …And no Lizzie I became the victim of the worse reading assignment I have ever seen in my academic career.’

‘Oh. Which course?’

‘Plant diversity. Ecology 145 or something, can’t remember the course number.’ Joel let himself free-fall back onto the carpet, not seeing shock overtake the mild concern on her face.

‘Oh god Joel Beans you’re now my mortal enemy.’

‘What?’ Joel tried his best to prop himself back up but gave up. ‘What did I do this time to deserve your fifth declaration of war this week?’

‘I literally had alarms set to register for this class and didn’t get a spot and you- god I swear this world is against me.’

Joel blocked the small cushion flying his way from Lizzie with his arm. ‘Ah actually good for you. If not for needing this for graduation I’d pay for you to take it instead of me. Just look at the reading and you’ll take back your words.’ 

Scott had been looking up things on his phone this entire time.

‘Wait, Joel, isn’t ecology 145, like, the really popular one because of the professor?’

‘I guess? I really didn’t expect it to be that popular though, I’ve met way funnier professors than prof Etho.’

‘I don’t think that’s what people meant by ‘popular’… have you read the reviews of him on RateMyProf?’

‘I saw the star rating, not the comments, but let me guess. “Assigns incomprehensible readings”?’

‘N- actually there are three comments about that. Half are about how he's a really nice and easy spoken person. The other half are about how hot he looks.’

‘To be honest I expected that. Today some people were literally there to take pictures of him instead of paying attention.’ Joel rolled his eyes, but then sat up, remembering something. ‘Lizzie? Why did you want this course again?’

A second small cushion flew his way.

‘I bought you pizza, you’d better not.’

The bed on the other side of the room creaked sharply, and Joel turned around to see Scott rubbing his eyes and sitting up.

‘Did I wake you? I’ll go to the kitchen, sor-‘

‘No you didn’t I'm just going to the bathroom.’ Scott got off his bed, stumbled a few steps and bumped into Joel’s bed, his face immediately squirming in pain. 

He tried to grin, meeting Joel’s eyes. ‘…I’m fine I bumped onto the bed with my toe… anyways why are you still up?’

‘Reading.’ That was all Joel needed to say.

‘Oh it’s due tomorrow?’

‘Technically today.’ Joel glanced at the mini clock on his desk, then turned back to watch Scott limp to the door. ‘You didn’t break a bone?’

‘No I’m fine. In pain but fine. Thanks.’ 

Joel hummed and refocused on the reading material. He was halfway through; not bad, he had fifteen hours before the next class and he was sure he could do it by then. The amount of sleep sacrificed was another thing, but not like he had a choice.

Well technically he did. He already had the abstract read and understood; he likely wouldn’t fail the quiz tomorrow. That; and he was suffering just looking at the words.

Joel sighed, turned off his lamp, and climbed into bed.

It might be better to take physics, thinking about it. Too late though.

Familiar process. Joel dragged himself into the lecture hall again, the only difference being he was considerably late and most people, including the professor, were there already.

Another wave of unwanted attention as he made his way up to an empty seat far back. The dizziness-inducing heat on his face was back, and Joel shut his eyes, taking each of his steps aggressively steadily to not trip and cause even more embarrassment.

If I knew this I’d just skip this class altogether… no wait he takes attendance.

I’ll be sure to rate him a one out of five the moment this course ends.

He expected and hoped that prof Etho would just ignore him and continue with the powerpoint; any more attention, and he would hide under the table. He buried his head down and pretended to find he-didn’t-know-what in his backpack, as if that if he didn’t give the world attention, the world would do the same to him. 

It seemed to partially work. All the way until the end of the class nothing happened, but as he walked down towards the door, He heard the professor call his name.

‘Joel?’

Joel swallowed, nervousness creeping up his spine.

‘Joel, I’m over here.’ The professor sounded calm and relaxed, and Joel’s heart slowly returned to a normal pace. 

He stopped still and turned around. Prof Etho was leaning against the wall next to the podium, still wearing his glasses, but with all his other things packed. He was smiling - that at the very least meant he did not get into trouble, and Joel tentatively smiled back, not knowing what to say but desperately trying his best to be polite.

‘Just making sure I didn’t mistake you for someone else. I thought I didn’t but it would be very unfair if I did.’ Etho stood up straight and threw his bag over his shoulder with ease. ‘Joel Beans, right?’

He looked even younger now, with other twenty-year-olds flooding past behind him and glasses that covered his faint dark circles Joel noticed last time.

He swallowed again. ‘Yeah.’

‘You missed the attendance but I marked you present. I figured it’s unfair to mark a ‘late’ as ‘absent’ and you weren’t late by much anyways.’ The professor was looking at him, the smile still in his eyes, but as if waiting for an answer. 

All of a sudden the nervousness was back. Joel fumbled with words, trying to form an explanation, knowing that he had no excuses at all.

‘I- I’m sorry, the metro, uh, was running late and-’

Prof Etho chuckled. Joel could tell he had seen through the excuse, but was not holding onto it. ‘It’s okay, I’m glad you made it in the end.’ 

I take my thoughts back I’ll rank him a five out of five after this course.

Joel was already at the door when some weird impulsion of wanting to do well in this class took over. He turned and back tracked to the professor, who was turning off the projector and lights, and took a deep breath before he spoke.

‘Uh, professor? Is your conference hour… does your conference hour need booking? I have a few questions about the reading and, umm, I was hoping if you could…’

‘It’s fully booked for this week already. I don’t quite see why would it be so unavailable in the first week but I guess I need to edit my syllabus a bit.’ he shrugged apologetically. ‘Feel free to email me though.’

The short-lived motivation drowned. ‘Oh.’

‘You know what, I’m at my office most evenings. If there’s something you’re really struggling with and want help in-person, just show up.’

‘...Oh.’

‘See you soon then, Joel. Have a nice day.’ The professor smiled at him again. He smiled a lot, Joel noted; warm ones as well, dissolving the nervous block in his throat.

‘Thank you, prof-’

‘Call me Etho. I’m twenty-nine and desperately trying every method of feeling younger.’

‘...Okay.’

Etho walked towards the door and held it open.

‘After you. I need to turn off the lights and lock the door.’

Chapter Text

Most of the windows were dark. Joel stood a distance away from the building, trying to figure out whether his target was present.

In all fairness he should have emailed ahead, but Etho did not explicitly ask for emailing in advance. He said ‘show up’, and Joel did just that.

He tentatively headed towards the building. The door was locked, with a number pad and ID lock, and he entered the room number Etho gave him, hoping that’s how the number pad worked. 

He expected a static filtered voice of his professor asking who’s there, but the door unlocked with a click and no response, and he decided that this was probably the way Etho did things. Not too surprised, in all honesty.

Elevator. Fifth floor. The lights were bright and the place proper, but the eerie emptiness slowly crept up to Joel. It wasn’t late; just across the street where the bookstore and cafes were, his classmates were likely just wandering out of class and grabbing dinner. But the space he occupied seemed to be way too vacant for comfort.

He wanted to be in the bookstores and cafes. He wanted to be with people. He did not want to be alone here on the fifth floor of a quiet building.

Anxiety spiked.

Seek safety.

The objectively smooth and comfortable elevator that took him up now seemed too daunting of an object. Joel stood there under a light, trying to figure his escape route from what fundamentally was his mind, his heart beating faster and faster and before he knew he could hear nothing else.

Except a door opening in not too far a distance.

His imaginary threat materialized. He was not sure whether he was allowed in the office building in the first place, and the moment he knew he was seen, he settled on the answer of ‘no’.

All were irrational and unstable and crumbling beneath him.

Joel closed his eyes, I’m not in actual danger, whatever happens will happen , and this mantra pulled him from his panic attack just enough for him to recognize Etho coming from the door.

‘Are you okay?’

‘I- yeah, small panic attack. I’m okay now.’

‘I’m sorry. That can’t be fun.’

Gradually sound and vision and his perception of existence started to line up. He was still in the corridor, Etho was there with him, his heart was settling.

‘I thought something must be up; it had been too long since you were at the building’s door and I still hadn’t seen you.’ Etho looked around. ‘It is a bit too quiet here today. Normally you’d be able to hear other professors arguing over their academic stances.’

His tall frame blocked most of the light’s high frequency buzz. Joel tried to focus his stare, but everywhere he could put it, a high warning of ‘how could you’ pushed him off. 

Etho’s eyes. A true neutral grey hidden under the shadows of his brow bones.

Hair. A bit messy, like free-flowing light, casting shadows on his canvas-like pale skin.

Neck. Tendons and muscles under tight skin, under an off-white collared shirt, under a blazer.

Lips. How dare he even.

How dare he even look at him. Imagine looking at him. Exist with him. Whether he was beatified by the purity of academia or set off-bounds by human imperfection, it didn’t matter, and the fall into what Joel deemed a crime shattered his newfound stability.

He closed his eyes again, and Etho sighed quietly.

‘You need some water and snacks? I have some in my office.’

Joel sipped the water slowly, watching Etho taking out a small box of energy bars from the bookshelf.

It was odd. He had met Etho barely two days ago, and he knew he was nothing special, just one of his hundreds of students, not the first nor smartest nor anything of significance.

Professor Etho. In whose class he was doing terribly and had nothing to prove himself a capable student, not to mention having manifested all the awkwardness he could’ve in the past day and a half. But none of the one-on-one conference nausea could manage to take hold of him right now, and Etho was not the threat, but his protection against it.

‘Who are these energy bars for?’ Joel looked down at the box Etho placed on the table in front of him, hesitating to take one.

Does this happen often?

‘Mostly myself, I don’t really have lunch. But take all you need. I have more over there in those drawers.’ Etho pulled out his chair and sat down. ‘You’re not allergic, right?’

‘No. I just… thank you.’

Joel carefully peeled off the plastic package of the bar, trying his best to not look clumsy, which he knew he tended to be most of the time.

It was not a big office that Etho had, he observed. Not too small for comfort, but with about no vacant space in all dimensions, desk and chairs and wall shelves and display cases filling the place.

A fern in a flower pot was sitting on top of a stack of books. Cold green leaves, curled up in a messy array of directions, but somehow very visually balanced.

Interesting. He’s a plant lover.

…Wait, yes of course he is, he teaches ecology.

Interesting-

Etho’s voice floated into his mind from the real world, almost startling him.

‘I got that on a research trip to Canada. Pretty cool little thing. I wasn’t sure if it would survive in the warmer weather here but apparently it’s doing way better than I thought it would.’

Joel looked up, meeting those smiling eyes.

In a way he was drawn to them. But a safe one, no longer the criminal offense moments ago in the vacant corridor, but an entrance to a clearer, more unperturbed world, and he would dream to stay.

‘Anyway, I assume you came here with the questions you mentioned to me earlier.’ Etho paused. ‘Or do you still need a second? 

‘I’m good. I just need to find the right notebook.’ Joel smiled back, a genuine lack of weight on his heart, the lightness so foreign it veered on the edge of unbearable.

Maybe all will be fine indeed.

Oh god but how.

Chapter Text

‘You know, if you tell that to the girls in your class, they’d probably want to kill you.’ LIzzie threw another chip into her mouth, and Scott nodded.

‘Yeah. One-on-one conference with the really hot professor outside his office hours where he gives you snacks? Pretty scandalous if you ask me.’

Joel rolled his eyes. ‘Last term you two were blaming me for ‘not even trying’ and this term it’s for trying to do well in a course. Wow. It’s almost like you’re just finding reasons to roast me.’

Scott sat up a bit from the couch. ‘We blamed you for ‘not even pretending to try’. There’s a small but significant difference there.’

‘Of course.’ Joel gave up and focused on the other matter of Lizzie was silently but efficiently finishing off all the chips.

The movie was a bit boring. Cliche and mindless. But he needed the break from all the mentally taxing work, and he leaned back, reaching for another bag of chips on the side table simultaneously as Lizzie did.

‘Mine.’ Joel tried to tug it out of Lizzie’s hand, but the latter had more determination. She tugged back, her eyes still fixed on the TV.

‘Nope.’

‘Could I please by any chance have this bag of chips, my dearest Lizzie?’ 

‘Nope.’

Lizzie was clearly buying none of it, and Joel had to give up and change his target to Scott, who dodged his hand skilfully.

‘I thought you had snacks at your professor’s place. Leave some for us.’ He raised his eyebrows, and Joel inhaled deeply.

Lizzie mercifully gave him a chip of pity, stopping his seat cushion attack on Scott.

‘No but seriously, Joel, I’d be more careful. If he doesn’t know what ‘keeping appropriate distance’ means, you have to.’ She turned down the TV volume, a deeper seriousness surfacing. ‘And, I mean, of course he does. He’s a good-looking guy constantly surrounded by young girls who may or may not pay certain types of prices to pass his class. If he has the tiniest bit of desire to keep his job, he will know how much trouble this can cause. In all honesty, I don’t like how close he’s trying to get to you.’

‘I’m a guy. I’m gay but still a guy. Don’t worry. I think he’s just a nice helpful teacher trying his best to explain the course material to me.’ Joel crunched on the chip. ‘Spoiler alert, he failed.’

Lizzie sighed.

Scott pulled his chair closer to the discussion. ‘Joel, I actually also agree with her.’

‘I’m sure you two care about me but I just don’t think that he- I think he wouldn’t do such things. In fact, he’s one of the people that doesn’t trigger my people-phobia.’

‘Well, most traps have disguised baits.’

All of a sudden the image of Etho under the buzzing lights resurfaced.

If that was a bait it’s a good one for sure.

Joel tried his best to keep it hidden under his expression.

‘I’ll be more careful from now on, I guess.’

It circled his mind and wouldn’t leave. Joel had to admit, despite himself not believing so, they had a point. A great point.

The sense of security he felt was concrete, though. A mellow intangible shield between him and the rest of the world, gradually fading as time went by, and materializing again every time he stepped into that lecture hall and saw Etho standing there.

But he tried, as he promised. He tried to keep his distance, no more conferences in evenings, no more after class chats, he would nod and smile and greet Etho with the title of ‘professor’ before his name and pass him like he would to everyone else.

Etho didn’t even seem to notice. Joel half wished that he would stop him after class, like on the second day, and ask how he had been, what was up, perhaps even a mild interrogation of ‘are you avoiding me’. But no, not an extra word, he was constantly surrounded by other students and the lack of Joel didn’t bother him in the slightest. 

Told them they’re wrong. He probably doesn’t even remember my name by now.

Why was there an emptiness invading his heart, that was a separate concern, and Joel did not correlate that with Etho. Classes, stress, general anxiety, he had many reasons to go through before he would.

Every other weekday, he showed up in the lecture hall, watching his shield form and corrode into more restlessness, and leave with a faint hope that would burn and die as he exited, passing the podium.

He didn’t talk about Etho with Lizzie and Scott anymore, and the other two assumed that all was the past and it was just a little unsupported harmless suspicion that passed as time did.

All was indeed in the past.

The only one that still remembered was Joel. Remembered, bothered by, confused. But anxiety had trained him well, and the restlessness beated against him with little avail.

What he wasn’t trained well for, though, was the course material itself. He was actively keeping himself away from the one professional help he had, and that worked out exactly as one might have expected.

Against all his efforts he failed the unit test. In Etho’s class. This had two problems, one being that he now needed to retake it with the professor - Etho - and the other being that he was likely not going to pass a graduation requirement course.

It was not a happy day. Joel returned to his shared apartment, his backpack loosely dangling on one shoulder and falling onto the floor as he shut the door behind him a bit more harshly than he normally would.

‘What’s up shortie?’ Scott poked his head out of their room.

‘Not a good time for that.’ Joel kicked the backpack a bit more to the wall, and collapsed onto the nearest chair. ‘Guess who’s probably not graduating.’

Scott almost teleported over to the chair next to him.

‘The heck did you do? Cheated and got caught? Got into drugs? Committed- for god‘s sake Joel tell me you didn’t commit a crime-’

‘…not nearly as dramatic.’ Joel scoffed. ‘And I said ‘probably’. The things you listed will get me kicked out doubtlessly.’

‘So what did you do?’ 

Scott was a loud individual. Joel sighed.

‘Being well on my way of failing a graduation requirement course that I should’ve taken two years ago and procrastinated to the very last semester and now discovered how much I sucked in.’

‘So like, nothing? Because it’s like three weeks into the semester and anything can still happen?’ Scott visibly lost his tension. ‘You scared the bloody heck-‘

‘If ‘anything’ includes me failing, then yes.’ The swearing didn’t even get to Joel’s ears.

‘Really, Joel, it will be fine. You’re the smart one out of us three and you’ll catch up just fine. It might just be the anxiety getting to you.’ Scott ruffled Joel’s hair very forcefully, who didn’t have the energy to physically get rid of him. ‘Want to go out somewhere this evening? Or do you want to wait for Lizzie to get back and all go together?’

‘No thanks. Appreciate the effort though.’ 

‘Joel, getting out of the house will benefit-‘

‘I literally just came back. And before you ask, yes, I took my anxiety meds. It’s not that. It’s just that the situation is terrible in of itself.’

‘Oh. I’m sorry.’ Scott looked down for a second. ‘But I really do want to help. What is the class we’re talking about? I can help you find resources or…’

‘That’s, um, the side problem. But thank you nonetheless.’

‘So what’s the main problem?’

Joel looked into his eyes with a deadpan expression.

‘Etho. By Etho I meant me. Me and Etho. I don’t know. All I know is when I walk into his office for that test retake I will have a ton of either guilt or lack of importance to feel.’

Chapter Text

‘Hi, Joel. Haven’t seen you in a long time.’ 

‘I’m sorry.’

Joel didn’t know what he was apologizing for, but that was the only word he could manage. He looked down away from Etho’s intent stare, his face starting to burn.

‘Don’t be. I don’t mean it in that way. I would be more concerned if you came to me every day and let classwork take up too much of your life.’

His unknowing sincerity only made it worse.

But he has seen everything in everyone and won’t take whatever stupidity I commit to heart. I hope.

It was late in the day again. Dinner time approached; the sky was darkening with visible speed outside the office’s window.

Etho stood up and opened the doors of the wall cabinet.

‘Snacks?’

‘I’m good.’

The word ‘undeserving’ occupied Joel’s head. Not as in he himself was undeserving of a professor as caring as Etho, but more like the world was too crude and dull a place to deserve Etho the person.

And of course he was a part of the world.

He pulled out the list of coursework related questions he had and refused to let the idea occupy him. But Etho kept existing under the incandescent light of his office, and it only emphasised the meaninglessness of everything else.

Joel tapped on the desk with his left hand, unaware of it himself. He was nearing the end of the long list, and the orderly sense of achievement temporarily numbed the restlessness of knowing about Etho’s existence in the world. On the other side of the desk, Etho was watching silently as Joel was writing down the things he just explained. 

By accident Joel looked up and met his eyes. Unexpectedly, he felt his heart skip a beat, the sound like thunderstorms in a distant night.

Wait what-

Etho sounded the same as he always did with an almost disappointing consistency.

‘Any more things you’d like me to go over?’

Joel opened his mouth reflexively with nothing ready to be said. With some efforts he squeezed out a weak ‘no’, to which Etho only smiled lightly.

‘Good luck on the test tomorrow then. I think you’ll do well this time.’

Weirdly, all Joel could think of was how Etho could hold such an optimism to such an imperfect world. How, after having seen all the untalented students dissipate to their insignificant ways, Etho still believed in him .

He tried to really look at him. Twenty-nine, scientist, university professor, with a clarity in his eyes that Joel had never seen in even young children. 

Etho.

How could he exist.

The subject in question was unaware. He stood up and threw on a parka before grabbing a laptop bag from the back of the chair.

‘I’m leaving as well. Maybe today I actually do have time for a proper dinner.’

He held the door open for Joel before turning off the lights, a piece of memory that Joel did not know was already imprinted in the back of his mind since the first day.

An unbearable silence circled them in the elevator. Joel secretly observed Etho, the slight confused awkwardness in his composure, which dissolved into no more than a smile at him.

‘See you around, Joel.’

Joel watched him go, his silhouette vanishing at the end of the street, presumably having made a turn.

He moved mechanically in the same direction, wrapping his coat tighter around himself in the wind.

I’ve voluntarily fallen into a trap.

It was deep in the night again. Joel had moved his laptop and notes to the kitchen, not wanting to disturb his roommate too much. He left the curtains of the living room window across to him open, and there was a waxing moon, its points still sharp, hanging seemingly without support in the empty sky.

I’m seeing clearly into hundreds of thousands of miles away. Perhaps I am after all not that unqualified of seeing Etho. Observing and watching and not doing anything.

But do I dare to approach him?

Do I dare to approach the moon?

None of these questions would be on the test tomorrow and Joel pulled his thoughts back; the faster he finished reviewing, the faster he could go to sleep.

Relievingly, he dreamt of nothing that night.

He didn’t remember much about the test itself. It wasn’t overly hard, and even though he didn’t breeze through it like nothing, it was still a smooth and fast task compared to last time.

He scanned the room. All the seats were empty; the few that had the same misfortune to fail the first test had all finished and left. Etho, in a more casual outfit than he was used to seeing, sitting on the front row desk, his back facing him, presumably reading.

Joel hesitated, but in the end there was no choice but to break the silence of the room and get up. 

Etho turned around at the sound.

‘All done?’

Joel nodded, no longer trying to avoid eye contact, but he could feel his face getting slightly warmer again. He watched quietly as Etho got up, walked around the desk, sat down, and worked on grading his test. He calculated the scores mentally as Etho worked; both because he really wanted the pass, but mostly to distract himself from falling to the appeal of finally being able to stare at Etho without him noticing.

It seemed like he was going to pass this one. Etho had some hesitation on some free response answers, but none of the scores were lower than Joel expected.

Finally Etho looked up.

‘Eighty three. That’s a definite pass.’

Something in Joel’s heart finally dropped. 

‘Thank you.’

‘I did what I’m paid for. Thank yourself more.’ Etho grinned, putting away his red pen and fishing out an energy bar from his pocket. ‘Fancy a snack?’

Oh yeah. He’s paid to do all these for me.

After all I’m not special.

In this case, the depressing realisation made accepting Etho’s kindness much easier. Joel reached for the bar and peeled it. 

‘Thanks.’

‘We actually don’t have class tomorrow; I just haven’t emailed you guys about it yet. See you next week.’

But I still can’t manage walking away from him.

Joel hesitated.

‘Etho?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Is it okay if… I pay for your lunch today? I really wanted to do something to… thank you for the out-of-office-hours help. They’ve been useful.’

He regretted every word that left his mouth but the higher order of ‘cling to Etho and don’t let go’ overruled his feelings. Etho on the other hand looked slightly startled but recovered in no time.

‘I would love it. It’s just that it’s not very appropriate of me to accept your offer.’ he shrugged, an unhappy grin on his face. ‘But I’d love to accept the same offer after you graduate. Which you will. Very successfully.’

‘I will remember.’

Etho stood up, the hem of his shirt brushing against Joel’s arm lightly.

‘Thank you for giving me something to look forward to. Good day, Joel.’

Maybe I am important.

Joel spent the entire metro ride home trying to get rid of the hope.

Chapter Text

Is it all settled?

Joel was still keeping up his full attendance in Etho’s class. He observed him every other day just like before: the long arms that reached the ceiling projector easily, the hair that was neatly combed half the time and wildly free the other half, the genuine but impersonal warmth that radiated from him and echoed in the huge lecture hall.

He could almost hear it. Even factual statements spoken by that voice carried the same warmth. ‘A fern - also called a polypodiophyta - does not have flowers or seeds’ meant roughly the same as ‘hey Joel how was your day’. 

He scribbled on his notebook’s margin. I’m doing well .

Then he rode the metro home, headphones on, thoughts off.

They were at a diner when the conversation was brought up. 

‘I don’t know. It’s not our home but it’s still weird to know we’re leaving it permanently in three months.’ Lizzie sipped her cola, picking at the ice cubes mindlessly.

Scott shrugged. ‘I guess we’ve adopted it as a home.’

‘That was very unintentionally emotional and sad.’

‘It’s true though.’

Joel silently poked at his burger. He did not like all the thoughts about leaving. About leaving anyone and anywhere. 

It was almost like something had just started in his life here, and to his knowledge, the beginning was not the best place to end anything.

Scott nudged him. ‘You doing fine?’

‘Yeah. I’m listening.’ Joel looked up and confirmed the overhanging hint of gloom in even Lizzie’s eyes. ‘It’s a bit depressing of a topic.’

‘At least we will always stay in touch. I hope. At least online or something. And also, graduation should be a pretty exciting thing.’ Scott shrugged again. ‘Joel, weren’t you really looking forward to get over with college just a month ago?’

‘I guess I did. That feels quite distant to be honest.’

Joel looked down and started poking his burger again. He had been doing somewhat well on the ‘don’t tell them about Etho’ part, and he knew this was where he needed to stop talking. The most frustration about Etho they knew at this point was about the course itself and the failed test, and he intended to keep it that way. He did not in any way intend for anyone to know about the crush he had. Ever. 

Wait.

I do have a crush on him. I used the word. I actually do.

He bit down on his lip. 

But crushes are supposed to be short-lived. Like when you see a good looking stranger reading on the metro and then forget about them as you get off. 

Crushes are supposed to be a blinding light that fades within minutes.

Etho is the combination of all that is bright.

Do I dare to use the word ‘love’.

Lizzie pushed the basket of fries his way as she answered whatever Scott just asked her. ‘Joel, the three of us will always be best friends, graduated or not. Stop stressing. Have a fry.’

‘Thanks.’

Joel chewed on the now a bit stale fry, quietly feeling himself disintegrate into contentment and fear. 

What would Lizzie and Scott think if he told them about Etho, he didn’t know. That he had fallen into the trap as they foretold perhaps. But don’t you see him, he thought, anyone who doesn’t fall in love with him must be intimidated by human perfection and I am simply braver than the rest.

It didn’t matter if his office had boxes piled on the floor or if the corners of his eyes crinkled when he smiled. 

Don’t you see him.

Lizzie was in the bathroom. Joel carefully tapped Scott’s shoulder.

‘Uh, Scott, keep a secret for me later. Please.’

‘I mean, what do you want me to do?’ Scott flipped around and put his arms under his head, looking at the ceiling, more unsuprised than Joel imagined. ‘Talk you out of it? Help you to pursue him? Be there when the university finds out and be your mental support?’

Joel closed his eyes, but sleepiness was far away. ‘I don’t know. I want your opinion. I see how this is very wrong but at the same time I’m so genuinely sure I have a crush on him and he is more than worth it.’

‘I think you should move on and get over it. “Etho being a good person” and “you two end up dating” is fundamentally contradictory. If he still has the basic sense of right and wrong, he won’t agree to do anything with his student.’

‘That isn’t encouraging.’

‘You asked for it.’ In the darkness Scott sat up and leaned on the headboard. ‘Joel, it’s not too hard to get over a crush. It fades over time, and one day you see an even more attractive person, and you forget about the last one. It’s not too hard.’

‘I can’t. I know I can’t.’

‘You haven’t even tried.’

‘I have. You two told me to at the start of the term and I did. It didn’t work.’

Scott sighed.

‘Goodnight, Joel. Stop thinking about it. At least for today. Get some sleep.’

He slipped back into his sheets, and the room fell back into silence.

Joel was still staring outside the window half an hour later.

Then, he picked up his phone from the bedside table and opened his email.

Dear Prof Etho I’m sick and will not make it to class tomorrow I apologise.

He put his phone back, and kept staring at the outside.

He woke up at eleven. About enough time to catch his other lectures in the afternoon, but Etho’s one was ending in fifteen minutes.

Scott left him a text saying he tried to wake him up and in the end couldn’t. Lizzie texted ‘are you okay’. Etho replied to his email with a very brief ‘absence excused’ with no greeting nor sign off.

Joel worked through his way replying. ‘Thanks bro it’s all good I didn’t miss anything’, ‘I’m okay just too tired thanks’, and a long inanimate silence spent staring at Etho’s two-word reply.

He packed his bag with the afternoon classes’ materials and headed for the metro, planning on grabbing lunch on the way.

Everything seemed okay.

But the world showed me light and snatched it away from me before I could touch it.

Chapter Text

He had no idea what the two lectures in the afternoon were about, or what he ended up having for lunch, and what reason, if there was any, brought him to the creek behind main campus. He half expected at least a thin layer of ice on this February day, but the creek was running, the water crisp and sharply cold, and he retracted his hand the moment the water and his fingertips touched.

This was his retreat. No one could ever break his peace and safety. Even if occasionally a few people will wander by, with their overly shy dates or inconspicuous deals, they never managed to own the place. Only Joel did.

No one else could be here. Not even when they tried to sneak in concealed in Joel’s thoughts. Not even if they were Etho.

Joel laughed quietly. 

That’s why. Of course I’m hiding. Why else could it be.

But I’m safe here. No one can find me.

But he was never a person of firm unmovable principles, and when his best friend called him, he only hesitated a second before picking up.

‘Are you doing okay?’ Scott’s voice was filtered by signal transmission, but Joel could still tell his concerned intentions.

‘Yes.’

‘Are you really?’

‘No.’

‘Where are you?’

‘The creek behind the engineering building and the stadium.’

‘I’ll be there in about five.’

Scott didn’t hear his quiet ‘thanks’ and the mechanical beeps took over. Joel sighed and put his phone back into his pocket, a slight fear of dropping it into the water growing then disappearing.

In way less than five minutes, Scott appeared, panting and slightly sweaty even on this late winter day.

‘Hey Joel!’ He waved, slowing down from his run and stumbling on some fallen branches, but managed to catch his balance and stop in the end.

Joel nodded and scooted over on the bench as Scott sat down, taking deep breaths.

‘Thanks bro.’ Joel smiled, looking down. Scott hit his arm with his fist with moderate force.

‘No worries platonic love of my life. Anyways, still upset about Etho?’

Joel wanted to both laugh and tear up so simultaneously and ended up choking himself with air.

Scott patted his shoulder. ‘Joel, I want to help. I still can’t lie to you and say I think it’ll work out extremely well, but I know you meant it seriously yesterday and it’s hard for me to watch you struggle alone. Talk to me about him.’

‘He’s someone who I shouldn’t even deserve to meet. Overly kind and well-mannered and handsome and knowledgeable. Has energy bars in his office. And a fern. I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore.’

Scott listened.

Joel forced himself to breathe twice before continuing. 

‘I know you two are both right. Both his morality and the university won’t let him even think about having anything with me. And he probably doesn’t even want to either. He probably hasn't even thought about me in his own time. It’s just… I don’t know. I can’t rationalise or control love.’

The salty bitterness seeping on through the corner of his mouth made him realise that tears were rolling down his face. Scott pulled out a packet of napkins and silently handed him one, waiting to see if there was more he was going to say.

Joel grabbed the napkin and rubbed his eyes. He wanted to say more, but didn’t know what and couldn’t make more sounds. 

They sat there in silence for a while, Scott handing him napkins and him wiping his face. Finally Scott sighed.

‘Joel, he loves you. Just not romantically. But it doesn’t mean he doesn’t. He wants you to be happy and do well. I know Lizzie and I had second-guessed his motives but now I really do believe he genuinely cares about you.’

‘Maybe, but I’m too selfish to be content with this nonspecific affection. I know what I don’t deserve but I still want to be special to him. And “everyone is special” isn’t a valid argument. You know what I mean.’

Scott stared at him deadpan. ‘Do you think everyone gets his evening time? Do I need to remind you how workplace hours and professor tenure and all that are counted? He is giving you his own unpaid-for time and potentially slacking on his own research and you don’t think you’re special?’

‘Now that you put it that way, I can’t rule out the possibility that he secretly gets annoyed with me.’

Scott took a deep breath at his attitude. ‘Joel, he doesn’t. He wouldn’t have offered you the chance if he did.’

‘You’re right.’ Joel looked up at the dimming sky to catch the last bit of tears in his eyes. ‘Thanks.’

‘Anytime.’

‘Please don’t tell Lizzie. I think she still doesn’t like Etho that much.’

‘I won’t. But I doubt that.’ Scott raised an eyebrow. ‘She understands you, at the very least. She understands completely hopeless crushes and she lived.’

‘Oh?’ Joel was distracted enough to forget about Etho for a brief second. ‘What happened to her?’

‘I won’t tell you. Just like how I won’t tell her about Etho.’ Scott grinned. ‘Gotta keep my credit scores up.’

‘Ah.’

Joel laughed with him. Genuinely, perhaps: the unfamiliar weightlessness on his heart was back, and everything was bright and hopeful, and the foreignness of it all pulled him back onto the ground. Scott stood up already, offering him a hand.

‘It’s late. Wanna eat out somewhere? Lizzie is with her friends and I cannot for the life of me make anything edible.’

‘Sure.’ 

Scott was fairly quiet during their walk to the restaurant street, occasionally replying to texts but mostly looking around. When they almost got to their go-to place, he spoke.

‘Everything will turn out more than well, Joel. We’re all here for you. Lizzie and I.’

To Joel’s complex reaction, he added, really calmly, bringing a never before seen credibility to his voice.

‘And Etho too. We all love you in the best way we could. Sometimes it might not be possible for it to go perfectly perfect, but that’s a minor problem.’ 

He was interrupted by a notification from Joel’s phone. Etho emailed him the slides for the skipped lecture, along with a ‘I hope you feel better’.

Joel looked up from the screen to meet Scott’s all-knowing grin. 

‘Told you.’

But he still couldn’t fall asleep. He sneaked up out of bed and to the living room, carefully opening the curtains a tiny bit and stared at the lights outside.

Would it all dissipate after graduation, he thought. Lizzie and Scott would make new friends, Etho would have new students, he would become a piece of memory at best. Both the verbal promises from his friends and the contracted care from Etho seemed too fragile to even start to last forever. 

Joel stared at the moon.

Even for light,it takes eight minutes to travel from the Earth to the Sun. How many seconds to the moon, I can’t remember. That can be negligible. 

From Earth to Moon then to Sun. Eight minutes.

How long does sound take to travel to the Sun then? Years? Centuries?

Ever? 

It will get lost in the void of space without a medium.

The Sun cannot hear me.

In the quiet of night, his whispers had a sharp clarity.

‘I love you.’

He couldn’t manage to say the name. It was two syllables too clear to pronounce.

Chapter Text

He had not been getting decent sleep. His attendance on the morning lectures on Tuesdays and Thursdays flopped, trudging through his commute with dark under eyes on some days, skipping them entirely when he discovered he was late on others.

Other weekdays were easier. The earliest class started at ten instead of eight thirty, and Joel had more will to attend them, though, granted, for the wrong reason.

He leaned on the wall of his lecture hall corner, his desk empty and his bag not even unzipped, drifting away listening to Etho’s voice.

He vaguely remembered a time where he sat there in the same place with no emotional turbulence and watched Etho’s fangirls with prejudice. Somehow, it made him feel more relieved.

It can’t be wrong to fall in love with him if everyone is doing so.

He bitterly smiled to himself. I’m but a human prone to human traps.

And he did not notice himself drifting away further, eventually into sleep.

Someone tapped his shoulder and he startled awake, his still cloudy mind making the assumption that the lecture was over and some kind classmate had woken him up. He muttered a ‘thanks’, not knowing if they’ve heard it, and rubbed his eyes, adjusting to the light.

The next second he opened his eyes wide in shock and mild panic as he distinguished Etho’s voice in the buzz in his head.

‘Hey Joel. Time to get up.’

Etho doesn’t sound upset at all as always, but the sheer embarrassment was enough to send fire onto his face. 

‘I’m sorry.’

Normally he’d fall into a panic attack, but with Etho’s presence, nothing of such was able to even reach him. All he was left with was a sharper-than-usual guilt and shame combined with an incorrect amount of excited restlessness, and he did not know how to exist. 

Etho pulled out the chair next to him and sat down. Joel tried to shrink back, but he was already against the wall, and he had no choice but to give up and withstand existence.

‘I’m worried about you.’ 

The softness in that voice forced Joel to look at him properly. He thought Etho’s eyes were pure gray, but the lack of distance made him notice the warm-toned tint, like amber from ages ago, somehow fitting into the present, the here-and-now.

Subconsciously he bit his lips. Etho kept looking at him, and he could almost taste blood. The pain caused by his teeth made him not realise how deep his nails had dug into the skin on his other hand, until Etho sighed and carefully took his hand away.

‘You’re hurting yourself.’

‘Sorry.’

‘If the work and pressure get too much, just tell me. We can figure something out. You don’t have to push yourself too hard.’ Etho looked down at Joel’s hand in his, running his thumb across the fresh fingernail marks, seemingly without too much thought. ‘Or even if it’s another class with a more stern professor. Tell me. I might be able to do something.’

Oh he thinks it’s only academic stress. He doesn’t know. Joel’s heart settled a bit, still nowhere near at peace, but no longer trampling his ribcage.

‘Thank you.’

Etho smiled and stood up.

‘See you around.’

Only when his hand slipped away did Joel realise how much of a paradise he was just in.

“Tell me.”

I confess.

‘Etho?’

‘Yeah?’ Etho turned around, halting his step halfway.

‘...Nothing. Uh, thank you.’

A flash of something passed by Etho’s eyes.

‘No worries.’

He waited for Joel to grab his bag and stand up before heading down to the door again. Joel trailed behind him, fighting every cell’s urge to step forward and request a hug with action.

He had an unreasonable confidence to believe that Etho at least won’t object, but in the end, all he did was stand there and watch him leave, a saint mingling into the crowd.

The touch. The cold but soft fingers gently sweeping across the back of his hand, the pressure and faint warmth enclosing around his knuckles, that touch. It occupied Joel’s mind like nothing ever did, but intangible and vague, having not been carefully savoured at the moment it happened.

Joel changed his ways of anxiety from pinching himself to pulling his hair, then to biting his knuckles, then to kicking an innocent tree until his foot was probably bruised. He never had a problem of addiction with anything, not even coffee, but he couldn’t be more sure that this was what withdrawal felt like. No more sanity, just an animal caged in his body, struggling to be free.

Once, and an addiction he couldn’t even try to fight.

Etho. 

Please.

He didn’t know quite how long he had been circling around aimlessly on campus for, but the sky was growing dimmer, and a grumble from his stomach reminded him of a realistic issue.

Mindlessly he headed towards the go-to restaurant. He had been eating out way too frequently this month, and his budget looked nowhere near great, but he figured once more wouldn’t hurt especially when the other option was to starve through it.

Then, perhaps because of the waiter’s extraordinary sales skills, he ordered three bottles of beer with his meal. Three more than he usually did.

They say it drowns out pain. I never got it but maybe today I will.

His last bit of reason told him to call Scott. His hands threw his phone on the seat, opened the bottle, and lifted it to his lips.

He didn’t like the taste or beer, as always. It was so bad that it successfully distracted him from the lack of the touch , and he kept going.

Joel believed that he had paid the check: there was a vague memory of handing the waiter something, and no one was running after him from the restaurant.

He still didn’t know what to do or where to go. Now that he was a bit drunk, his rationality was oddly clearer, and he decided that he didn’t want to go back and let Lizzie and Scott see him like that. They wouldn’t blame him, but it would be embarrassing, and he’d rather make that a later problem when he had more sanity and time to make up a better story.

An express inn then, perhaps. And he needed to hurry; the night was growing colder, and he was not wearing the right coat.

He pulled out his phone and started browsing for nearby lodging. Under the darkness of the sky, the screen was quite bright, and although Joel was mostly sane, he was nowhere near sober. He looked up and away from the screen for a second, trying to get the dizzy nausea away, but the lights from a fifth floor window pinned his glance.

And all of a sudden everything was back.

Etho was right there. Behind the warm light of that window, right there. Joel could almost see him, reading books, working on his laptop, watering the fern. If he wanted, he could be there too in five minutes.

But oh god the catastrophe of letting Etho see him in this messed-up state.

He sat down on a roadside bench, gazing at the lights.

The haze from both the beers and his own fatigue covered him. The line between sleep and wake grew more and more vague, and Joel wasn’t sure where he was on it.

Perhaps he dreamed of Etho’s voice. Perhaps he heard Etho’s voice. He didn’t know anymore. And so when he opened his eyes and saw Etho kneeling in front of him, he even smiled to himself.

This is a pretty nice dream.

Then the sharp cold pushed him back into wakefulness, and before he could start to think, Etho took his hand in that gentle manner again, but now his own fingers were the colder ones, and the concern in Etho’s eyes was almost parallel to anger.

‘Joel? Are you okay? Why- what are you doing?’

Chapter Text

Oddly he was not panicking. Despite the furious blame in Etho’s expression, the warmth shielding a part of him from the wind served as the stubborn reminder of the perpetual sense of security he could have.

He looked Etho in the eyes without wanting to hide for the first time. 

‘I’m in love with you.’

Etho froze for a second, the prevailing upset authority disappearing in an instant as he slowly blinked.

Is this what it feels like to defile a god?

Etho’s voice was a bit shaky. By the wind or by his own thoughts, Joel didn’t know. 

‘You’re drunk.’ 

‘I’m not.’

‘You are. You don’t know what you’re saying.’

‘I do.’

‘You don’t.’

‘I’m cold. Take me with you.’

‘I can’t.’

Etho stood up, the contact between their fingertips fading again. He took off his coat and carefully fitted it over Joel’s shoulders, wrapping it around him, and sat down next to him.

‘Joel, can you call a friend to pick you up?’

‘No.’

The coat had a fluffy inner lining and a faint scent of laundry detergent and books. 

‘A roommate? Partner? Do you live with anyone?’

Etho’s composure was fully back, and all Joel could think about was how to get rid of it again. His addiction to his touch was not yet solved, and now there was one more, the glimpse at what was beneath the perfect mask Etho wore all the time and the destructive curiosity it induced. 

He leaned onto Etho’s side, knowing that he wouldn’t push him away.

‘Take me home with you.’

‘I cannot do that.’

‘Please.’ 

The world was perfectly silent. The office building was completely dark; the street parking lane empty. Joel tried to wriggle himself into Etho’s arms, but was being gently but firmly pushed off, losing the bit of contact he had to begin with.

He shut his eyes, but Etho was not gone. He covered Joel’s forehead with his hand, taking the temperature in. before dropping in relief.

‘You don’t have a fever. Just drunk. Okay.’ Etho picked up his phone and unlocked it. ‘I’ll see if they have your address or something on file.’

‘Etho…’

‘Joel, I cannot take you home with me. I cannot. It’s not up to me. If I can’t get you safely back to your place, I’ll have to drop you off at either the ER or campus security, and I really don’t want to do that because they’ll charge you and it’ll be expensive.’

‘Would you if you could?’

Etho fell silent and focused on his task at hand. After a minute, he looked at Joel again.

‘It’s irrelevant.’

He put his phone back in his pocket. ‘They emailed me back your file. Let’s go.’

Joel didn’t move. Etho sighed.

‘Can you still walk?’

‘I don’t know. I can try.’

He pushed on the bench, trying to get up, but his arms were weak. The coat fell off of one shoulder, and he didn’t have a spare hand to pull it back up. Etho did it for him. He tried to stand up again, this time almost spraining his wrist. 

The next moment, he was above ground. Instinctively, he latched his arms tightly around Etho’s neck as the ground got farther.

He could faintly hear Etho’s heartbeats as he shifted the arm under his legs to a more comfortable and secure place. Fast, but light, a somewhat regular rhythm against the random shuffling of wind. The streetlight casted sharp contours on his face, the side facing Joel under the shadows.

He kept his silence as Etho carried him to the parking lot, too afraid to break anything. The shadows shifted as they passed streetlights, occasionally giving him a glimpse of Etho’s eyes under his lashes, downward casted, focused on the pavement in front of them. Initially, his arms were tense, an intrinsic fear of falling, but Etho held him tight enough that eventually he relaxed.

Drowsiness was catching back up to him quick, but something in him insisted on staying awake to carve this all into his memory. He tried to actively feel everything, and all that did was make his heartbeat more and more messed up.

Etho didn’t look at him. ‘You alright?’

Joel nodded, not even sure if his motion was detectable. Etho slowed down his steps.

‘We’re almost there. The one at the corner there is my car.’

‘Etho?’

‘Hm?’

‘I’m sorry.’

He felt Etho take a deep breath.

‘Don’t worry about it.’ 

Via imagination, Etho’s voice had an intimate softness.

The last thing he remembered was Etho bent over him, doing his seatbelt, his long hair flopped over his face, before backing off and closing the door quietly. Everything before was too dreamy, and everything after overwritten by dreams.

He woke up on the couch in their own apartment’s living room, disappointingly alone and without a hangover.

He laid there and tried his best to imagine Etho, reinforcing the new things he learned. The strength hidden in the muscles under his shirt. The scent of clean clothes and light sweat on his neck. The way his chest resonated when he spoke.

Deep down he knew that possessing forbidden knowledge usually led to punishment. Not that he cared. If fantasising about him distracted himself from thinking about how badly exactly did he mess up last night, then so be it.

He knew, without knowing, that he could never pick up the courage to face Etho normally again.

But life had to go on, and he splashed his face with cold water before settling back into his daily routine. Brush teeth, change, stuff leftover sandwich into mouth, check email.

Hello class,

 

There will be an impromptu in-class assessment tomorrow. As per the department’s request, there will not be retake opportunities. Please do your best to show up.

No sign-offs, as always, but Joel could tell who the sender was from the few sentences even if the email address hadn’t explicitly told him already. He opened his online gradebook and the calculator on his phone, hoping desperately that he could afford a zero on a test and still somehow pass the course, but miracle was no longer on his side.

At the same time Lizzie called him, presumably having just gotten out of class and finding the time. Joel roughly had an idea about why and how much he wanted to avoid that topic, but the overwhelming frustration told him to just pick up and get it over with.

‘Hey.’

He tried his best to hide his struggles and sound casual, but the other side was not even attempting to do the same.

‘Joel, Scott and I would like to talk to you about certain things.’

Joel hung up.

Nice. You’ve pushed the three most important people away from your life. What now.

Chapter Text

He double checked the lock on the bathroom door as he heard the front door turn, holding his breaths. Lizzie called him again after that, and Scott texted him, to neither he responded.

He heard Scott’s footsteps head straight to their shared room, then his voice, presumably talking to Lizzie.

‘He’s not here. Might not be home.’

‘Should we call him again?’ Lizzie suggested.

Joel quickly turned his phone to silent. He watched the screen quietly light up as Lizzie tapped her foot nervously on the other side of the door.

All of a sudden he felt like throwing up. He imagined his two best friends outside, not knowing where he was or how he was doing, probably assuming that he was hurt last night, perhaps worried sick. And here he was, hiding away, too scared to even look at his mistakes, letting people who loved him take the pain.

But realising that he was a coward didn’t stop him from being one. His attempt to stand up from the floor and unlock the door failed, his phone still on the floor, screen blacking out as Lizzie sighed.

‘Scott…’

‘He’s fine. I bet he is. He’s not someone who would do stupid things.’

‘Well I thought so too until yesterday.’

A silence.

Scott’s voice. ‘Should we call campus security? Or do you think he’s somewhere in the city?’

‘Do you think Etho could’ve…’

‘He wouldn’t get him back to us yesterday if he did.’

‘But that’s all we have to go off from. Scott, I don’t want to put up with this anymore. I’ll report this to the university.’

Scott didn’t say anything else. Joel pressed his back to the door. On the other side, Lizzie was dialling numbers.

He had successfully put everyone he cared about to war. Against each other. For him. 

Tears poured down his cheeks, dripping from his chin onto his shirt, as he silently bit his lips. This time he did taste blood. Fresh, metallic, borderline disgusting.

‘Hi-hello, yes I’m reporting an emergency.’

Joel pushed himself up from the floor and reached for the doorknob.

‘Yes I’m a current student. My name is Elizabeth D-’

Joel opened the door.

Lizzie’s back was facing him, but she snapped around, almost dropping her phone. 

Scott took her phone from her hand and explained a quick ‘nevermind sorry for calling’. She stood there, tearful, inanimate, staring at Joel.

Joel took a step forward and pulled her into his arms.

‘I’m okay. Sorry.’

Lizzie was squeezing him too tightly, making breathing harder, but he let her.

‘I was- we were worried.’

‘I’m sorry. I won’t do that again. Promise.’

Lizzie’s head rested against the nook of his neck. He could feel her heartbeat, settling back into regularity, pounding inside her ribcage, right against his. It reminded him of himself and the way he once leaned into Etho, the same warmth, same helplessness, same irrational trust.

The words of Scott the other day flashed back in his mind; she understands completely hopeless crushes.

We’re just headless creatures chasing around in circles perpetually, looking only at what we cannot have.

A cruel place we live in.

He still didn’t tell them what happened. All he explained in the end was Etho didn’t force him to do anything and he wasn’t too drunk to function. Besides the layer of shame for his indecency, protecting Lizzie from having to hear about all these worked as a better motivation to keep everything to himself.

She seemed to understand. That Joel figured it out already, that he didn’t want her to know that he did, that he was trying to love her in the best way a gay could for a girl. To Joel’s reluctance to talk about last night, she did nothing.

He slept impossibly well that night. When Scott woke him up at seven the next day, he almost forgot that all this mess existed.

But he couldn’t unsee the irreparable wound wedged between them now. No one talked as they had their quick breakfast together on the same table, Lizzie finishing first, taking her plates to the sink and washing them without saying a word before going back to her room. Moments later, she left with her bag and her jacket, muttering a forced ‘goodbye’ as the door closed behind her.

He looked at Scott helplessly. Scott looked down and peeled his sandwich.

I caused all of this.

Carefully, he nudged Scott with his elbow.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘No there’s nothing wrong. There’s just… C’mon, you know.’ 

‘That’s why I said sorry.’

Scott finally looked at him.

‘Joel, what exactly happened that night?’

‘It’s complicated.’

‘I don’t want to make any decisions for you, but ‘you love him’ is not a valid reason for him to do anything to you. Just a reminder.’

‘He didn’t.’

‘It’s hard to believe that.’ Scott put down his sandwich. ‘I mean, of course, I believe you . It’s just that ‘he didn’t do anything’ really doesn’t sound credible when all we know is that you were drunk and alone with him until past midnight.’

‘I got drunk myself and fell asleep outside and he found me and drove me home. That’s all.’

‘And why did you get drunk?’ Scott’s accurate knowledge of the normal Joel sharpened his questions.

‘I don’t know. You two want answers and explanations from me, which I don’t have.’ Joel tried to control his unreasonable urge to tear up. ‘Scott, you’re lucky to not feel romantic love. Look at Lizzie. Look at me. Look at the hell we’re in.’

Scott fell silent. After a long while, when Joel had already taken his plate to the sink, he stood up.

‘Tell Lizzie about what happened when you find the time. She needs this information as well.’

‘But-’ 

‘It’ll hurt her much less than you’re imagining.’ Scott walked past him to their room as he stood there still. ‘She’s a more reasonable person than you are.’

‘Okay.’

Scott was in their room getting his things. Joel still stood there in the middle of the living room. When Scott passed him again, he opened his mouth, but not quite sure what he was going to say.

Scott sighed and hugged him.

‘It’ll pass. We’ll get through this and forget about it.’

‘I still need to somehow face Etho. There’s a test in his class today and I have to go.’

‘I don’t think he blames you either.’ Scott smiled as Joel quickly gathered all his books so they could catch the metro together. ‘As a teacher, he loves you in a way that expects neither the presence or absence of reciprocation. And, I mean, just tell him you were drunk and didn’t mean any of it. It’s not a complete lie.’

Chapter Text

Joel made himself as inconspicuous and invisible as possible, making up a lie of ‘could you please get the test for me I don’t feel well’ to the person sitting next to him and feeling terrible as Etho noticed his deskmate getting two copies, looked up at them, then at Joel, then away as if nothing ever happened.

He subconsciously pinched his hand again as he struggled on the test, his mind extremely distracted, not helping with his goal of getting out of here as soon as possible. People, presumably all more talented than him in this course’s subject matter, gradually started to hand in the test, leaving the lecture hall emptier by the second until only tens of people were left by the forty-five minute mark.

Joel silently cursed. He was stuck on one of the free responses, as always, and the lack of proper revision caused by ‘the events’ did not help. He bit the tip of his pen. Someone sitting two rows in front of him stood up and handed in their test.

Whatever.

He put away his pen and grabbed the test, walking towards the front of the room, staring at the floor as he went. He dropped his test on the pile in front of Etho without looking up, his mind rapidly going through possible excuses for his actions that night if Etho ever asked.

And, just as he feared, Etho looked at him as he tried to leave.

‘Hey Joel. Do you have time to stay for a second?’

‘...Of course.’ Joel unnaturally shuffled back, his mind settling on the play-dumb method, his actions suggesting otherwise.

‘Take a seat. Anywhere.’ Etho went back to grading the tests at hand, and Joel didn’t re-prompt the conversation.

He had lost the courage to look at Etho again. Forbidden knowledge, overly bright, un-deserved by the world. In Joel’s head, a glance would burn his retinas and blind him for the rest of his life.

As if he hasn’t yet. In the end he still was tempted to look up from the desk, and the second Etho entered his field of vision, even the ceiling lights seemed to dim.

All I can see is you and no more.

Etho put aside the test he just finished grading and took a new one from the pile. He squinted slightly - probably because he wasn’t wearing his glasses - where are they? - then tilted his head in confusion, as if something completely out of place had replaced what should’ve been a test.

‘Joel? You probably need to answer a bit more questions than that if you want to keep up your grades.’

‘I tried.’

Another student dropped their test off along with a weird glance at Joel, sitting there awkwardly with the professor. Etho turned around and smiled a ‘thanks’ before turning back.

‘I can’t give you re-takes this time.’

Joel heard disappointment.

For the first time ever, fear emerged as he sat in front of Etho. Not shyness nor embarrassment nor anything of the sort, but pure fear. 

‘I’m sorry.’

Despite the situation, he wanted to laugh at how bland his words sounded.

‘We’ll talk about it after. I think you can still pass the course fairly easily. It’s just one test.’

Joel sat there, restlessness running through his veins, waiting for what felt like an eternity.

He didn’t notice the last person leaving. Etho coughed, and he snapped back into linear time.

‘Joel.’

Joel swallowed, staring at him.

‘Relax. I just wanted to check on you. You weren’t doing too well a few days ago.’

‘I’m… better. Thanks.’ Joel forced out an unnatural smile. ‘And sorry for causing you trouble.’

‘It wasn’t a big deal.’ Etho’s calmness, although now tainted with cold indifference in Joel’s eyes, made him settle a bit more from his tension. ‘So you still remember some things. That’s good I guess. You didn’t get completely wasted and skip three days in your life.’

‘I- my roommate told me you got me back home.’ Lying was so much easier than he anticipated.

Etho raised his eyebrows. ‘Oh. Well either way I’m glad you’re safely here in the present.’

‘Did I do anything stupid that… bothered you?’

It was more an impulsion to test Etho’s ground than to play the lie better. With his best acting skills, Joel carefully asked, his composure falling apart as Etho leaned closer, studying his lie as if it’s see-through.

He forced himself to look at those amber grey eyes. The unperturbed paradise he once observed was now more like an infinite depth that captured his soul without trying, and he had no choice but to shut his eyes before he fell too far. He could hear Etho chuckle, his breath getting farther until inaudible.

‘You didn’t. You were fairly composed and decent for someone wasted.’

The unspoken clemency Etho granted him made him more scared to open his eyes. Out of nowhere, a thought jumped into his mind.

Will he hold my hand again?

But all Etho really did was look at him.

‘Anyways. Joel, I’ve been meaning to sit down and talk to you for a while now.’

‘Okay.’ 

‘Nothing too serious. Don’t worry. You’re not in any trouble.’

The attentiveness on Etho’s face was deep enough to carry melancholy.

‘Joel, there are so much more out there in the world. So much more opportunities and experiences and people. And every time you think you’ve found the best, at your age, there’s bound to be something better waiting.’

Joel listened.

‘Dare I make an assumption, but I think you’re holding onto something too tightly. And in most cases, it won’t benefit you. You need it less than you think.’

It took a great effort to not blurt out, for the second time, ‘but I love you’. Joel stuck his fingers into his hair and curled them up into fists.

But I love you.

But I need you. A lot. Too much. More than I can have.

I’m here. I’m yours. Don’t push me away.

Look at me.

He managed to keep it to himself this time, replacing the unlawful words with superficiality.

‘Thank you for being such a nice professor. You’ve helped me a lot.’

‘I try my best.’ Etho smiled. ‘I’d like to think that you will remember me as one even years later. It’s a great source of motivation.’

‘Etho?’

Etho’s dispersing glance refocused on him.

‘Do you stay in touch with your students after they leave?’

‘Not usually. Granted because most people were too happy to get rid of me and my class, not the other way around.’

‘Not usually.’ Joel repeated his words, overthinking. Etho grinned.

‘There are exceptions. For example, you promised to pay for my lunch, so I know that at least you’re not desperately trying to get rid of me.’

Joel tried to not think about how much he might have been blushing right now. Etho stood up, collecting the scattered tests and fitting them into his bag, his professional nonchalance back in an instant.

‘See you around then. Oh by the way, you got a sixty-one on this test. I graded your free response questions very loosely.’

The emphasis on the phrase ‘very loosely’ made Joel’s face heat up again.

‘Thank you… “very loosely”?’

‘I imagined what you would know and graded it based on that. I think I gave you a two out of five for a completely blank question.’ Etho held the door for him before turning off the lights. ‘Don’t tell anyone.’

Chapter Text

Etho knew. There was no way he didn’t. No way that he hadn’t seen through the terrible lie Joel pulled with that unnatural expression on his face.

And it felt so impossibly light. 

He made the worst happen, and although he didn’t know how, he lived. Scott and Lizzie were both still there, still his best friends, and every time the topic was going to be brought up and his guilt resurfaced, they pushed it off with ‘it’s your personal business we’re just glad we helped’. Internally, he debated whether he should be even nicer to Lizzie, but she rejected most of his invites that didn’t involve Scott as well. 

And so everything was well.

Except for that one problem that his life was almost centred on at this point. The one problem that carved itself into both his consciousness and weekly schedule, unavoidable, not even trailing behind him, but right in front wherever he went.

The soft shield of Etho’s presence now felt like ants crawling all over him. The weather was getting warmer by the day, spring blooming and fading and summer attempting to show up, and he blamed the temperature and hydration and final thesis and everything else for his much more frequent frustration. And, well, who could say his reasons weren’t valid.

He was surviving. Amongst his As and Bs in other classes, he fluctuated on the satisfactory line for Etho’s, but landed above it in the end, whether it be for his sheer luck or Etho’s partiality. He handed in his thesis, passed it with little problem, and his application for graduation was pending with no reasons to not be approved.

He stood in front of that building one evening. The fifth floor window was lit, and he stared at it for a while before leaving. 

There was nothing left to be imagined anymore. He knew Etho’s voice and touch, his breaths and heartbeats, the colour of his eyes under various lights. On the other hand he knew nothing to even start to imagine; Etho’s families, friends, where he would go on weekends, whether he cooked himself or ordered food.

Whether he was straight or queer. Single or taken. 

Joel forcefully exiled all the thoughts from his head, focusing on his shadows under the streetlights, growing and shrinking and concentrating and dispersing.

Unlearning, he concluded, was so much harder than learning.

With pain as his anaesthetics, the next time Joel was consciously living, he was sitting in the stadium, attending his own graduation.

Lizzie was with her fellow engineering students, sitting quite some rows away. Scott found himself a spot right next to Joel. ‘I’m a bit scared.’ 

Joel looked at his friend, who sat there in an unfittingly large black robe, a nervous grin on his face. 

Life is so normal. I love it.

‘I’m sure it’ll go well.’ 

‘I thought you’d be more nervous than I am.’

‘I was a few weeks ago. Now I’m just glad everything is over.’

There was room for misunderstanding, but he was sure Scott knew exactly what he meant, and the theory was proven.

‘How’s Etho?’ The tone of Scott’s voice was surprisingly casual.

‘I don’t know. I’ve not talked with him for… weeks. Months. I don’t know.’

Through the heat of early summer sun, Joel’s skin itched at the mention of the topic. 

Scott stared at the stage far away in front of them.

‘Well, you’re both free now.’

‘It doesn’t really matter does it. He finally doesn't have to carefully deal with an immature student crushing on him anymore.’ Joel grinned bitterly. ‘I guess he’s free. Not sure about me myself though.’

Scott fell quiet. In the distance, some musical procession was starting, the conversations fading as the silent excitement grew.

‘He’d want you to be happier.’

‘I’m trying.’

‘I know you are.’

Joel shut his eyes, trying to focus on the approaching procession music.

‘Do you think he’s here today?’

‘Probably.’ Scott scanned the stadium half-heartedly. ‘Joel, he’ll watch you graduate. He’ll be proud to see your efforts pay off and you getting what you deserve.’

‘I hope. I don’t see him.’

‘I’m sure he’s here.’

The musical procession faded, and some faraway unrecognisable speakers walked on stage. Joel leaned back in his chair and waited for the boredom to follow.

There was nothing to feel as Joel walked up stage and shook the chancellor’s hand, receiving his certificate. Nothing. A faint nervousness of messing up, an urge to be excited because he should be, and nothing else.

The sun was bright. He spared a glance at the stadium, boredly cheering, more for the concept of ceremony than for him. He tried to persuade himself that he was not looking for a specific one, but he was past the point of lying to himself.

Under the reflection of light, he couldn’t tell.

He walked off stage. The weak cheer did not fluctuate as the person behind him repeated the process.

It’s over now.

He did not feel free.

Scott and Lizzie were both with their parents. Joel texted both of them, and both only answered with a quick ‘later’.

He wandered around aimlessly. Everyone was surrounded by everyone, high-pitched ‘congratulations’ and ‘oh my god’s and ‘I’m so proud of you’s everywhere. He grabbed a bottle of water from a stand and started making his way out of the venue.

The condensation on the bottle dampened the corner of his diploma. He tucked the bottle under his arm and unrolled the paper, reading the contents thoroughly for the first time. His name, his university, his degree, signatures and stamps. He tried to make a significance out of it as best as he could.

He thought he started to tear up, although he felt no sadness.

Just emptiness.

Then he noticed a shadow casted in front of him, and he looked up, his mouth falling agape as he recognised the occurrence. 

Against the sun, Etho’s hair almost looked transparent.

‘Sorry I was late. I was at a board review regarding my research.’ He smiled as Joel stared at him in disbelief. ‘Congratulations, Joel.’

Chapter Text

‘Are your parents here?’

‘No. They didn’t bother showing up. I doubt they remember my existence outside of tuition billing.’

He didn’t realise how bad this sounded until he saw Etho’s slightly scrunched eyebrows and startled apologetic expression.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘No it’s fine. At the very least they don’t hate me either.’

Etho was silent for a short moment, hesitating on speaking.

‘My parents never showed up to mine either. From high school to PhD dissertation. You don’t have to play it down. I know the disappointment.’

Joel couldn’t hear any melancholy, but from Etho’s downcasted glance, he could see it. A human Etho.

But only for a split second. When his thought ended, the infallible faint smile was back on Etho’s face. 

‘Sometimes it might not be possible for things to go perfectly perfect. But we’re good enough.’ 

The afternoon sun illuminated his side profile, casting an aura of shadows and light. All of a sudden, he looked tangible. Touchable. There.

His.

Amongst the surrounding people, he was the centre of Etho’s attention. The all too familiar sense of false hope washed over him once again, pulverising all that he managed to unlearn.

Etho was observing him drifting away, chuckling as he finally realised and blushed.

‘Anyways, again, congratulations.’ He didn’t question what was in Joel’s mind. ‘I’m proud of you.’

‘Are you?’

There was visible confused panic after Joel said what he did without knowing why. The question came out sharp; a bitterness weaved into petty self-defense, both of which he didn’t realize he was experiencing so acutely he could feel it under his skin.

‘Should I not be?’

‘I don’t know. I feel like you have much better students to be proud of.’ 

‘Depends on how you define ‘better’.’

‘In which definition am I the better one?’

Under the shadows, a flicker of light passed by Etho’s eyes.

‘I don’t know. Not all things happen with reason.’

The day was getting warmer. Joel could feel the rays of heat landing on his shoulders, trapped inside the cheap rented robe, adding even more unnecessary restlessness. He uncomfortably tried to unscrew the bottle of water with his diploma still in hand, and Etho very naturally took it from his hand and opened it for him.

‘We probably should go indoors. Do you need to return your robe and cap?’

‘Yeah.’

‘I’ll hold onto your stuff.’

Joel looked behind him at where he had been as the rental person scribbled his information and stored his robe away. Slightly blurred people, leafy trees and jarring white clouds and almost visible heat, and the tall figure of Etho, still in the same place, looking up at something in the sky, the contours of his jaw and neck spared by the collar of his shirt.

His Etho.

He chewed on the word ‘his’. It sounded overly wrong, passed the point where right and wrong were distinguishable.

Etho handed the roll of paper back to him when he made his way back.

‘I know a cafe that you probably will like. It’s three blocks away, so hopefully it’s not flooded with people yet.’ 

‘Etho?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Thank you. For everything.’

The two words he had said a lot during the semester now finally carried meaning. He stared at Etho, whose expression was, for the first time, completely indecipherable.

A leap of faith.

He took a deep breath. ‘I love you.’

He was expecting immense nerve-wrecking fear and anticipation, but in reality, he stood there waiting for his sentence as if it all had nothing to do with himself.

Etho looked at him calmly. ‘I know. I have known since that day.’

That day .

The memories and feelings flooding back was disorienting. Joel could almost feel the ground tilting beneath his feet, everything defying gravity, standing angled and tall. 

On that day Etho would catch him right before he would fall and hold him in his arms, two heartbeats resolving into unison, two bodies’ warmth blending and emulsifying and becoming one. All he had now was the impersonal distance in Etho’s voice, reminding him, not anymore .

But I want you. 

Joel tried to force out a smile. Etho wasn’t doing anything, and he desperately hoped for a reaction, anything, even just a quick friendly hug, but there was none.

He thought he was tearing up, but his eyes were dry.

As if scared to further a mistake that wasn’t his, Etho spoke very carefully.

‘Joel, I’m not the one. There are people out there who could be a much better partner to you than I can. I don’t want you to make the wrong choice.’

Someone tried to squeeze their way past Joel, accidentally stepping on his foot and throwing a hurried apology before disappearing into the crowd in an instant again. Etho sighed.

‘Let’s go. Too many people.’

The crossroad outside the stadium was even more crowded. The awkward distance Joel put between himself and Etho made him fall behind the wave of pedestrians. He panicked as he got pushed blindly by the people behind. Etho was somewhere very close; he had no idea where exactly, his vision spinned and blurred, an irrational terror settling in.

Then a hand firmly held his, guiding him out of the crowd while he stumbled, waiting for the world to settle back.

The missing tears were finally back. Etho silently patted his back as he sobbed into his hug, desperately shaking off the panic that was going to push him down a second ago. The world was still tilted and gravity still odd, but with his eyes shut, the rhythm of Etho’s breaths and heartbeats soothed him back in place.

Etho’s voice was tangible in a way he didn’t know voices could be.

‘You’re still safe with me. It’s okay.’

Gradually the panic ceased, but he still held onto Etho, too afraid to let go.

He was ready to be pushed away. Any second now, Etho would release him and back off with his apologetic pity, and that would be all, the end of his life’s intersection with Etho’s, with no future in sight. The new, softer but colder fear seeped in, and he shuddered in the early summer air, and, against his fear, Etho held him tighter.

He prayed for time to cease. Etho didn’t say much else, and when he finally did, it was a pained, bitten back soft voice.

‘Joel, everything will be fine.’

He released him, his expression hesitant but determined.

Joel closed his eyes. ‘I love you.’

‘I’m sorry you do.’

‘Etho…’

‘I can’t.’

They’ve had this conversation before. All was pointless; Joel knew exactly where this was going, but somehow he had a hope of leading this back to his favour.

‘But it’s up to you now.’

‘And I don’t want to take advantage of you.’ Etho exhaled. ‘You don’t love me; you just think you do. Usually you’ll realise soon.’

‘How do you know that?’

‘There have been people before you. None of them still remember who I am right now.’

‘I will.’

‘I hope so.’

Etho wasn’t looking at him. He was staring at the building across the street, a mild melancholy masking over everything else.

Joel studied him. He was troubled too.

Perhaps.

‘Do you love me? Have you ever loved me?’

Etho didn’t move. ‘It’s irrelevant.’

Images layered in his mind.

To defile a god.

He approached, ignoring Etho backing off, until he was against the glass walls of the building behind him. Slowly, he reached for Etho’s face, his hand only a bit unstable. 

The softness of his skin made the earth shatter beneath him again. He waited for Etho to remove his hand, but nothing happened. 

He stood on his tiptoes, staring into those golden grey eyes.

‘Kiss me.’

Etho’s voice was shaky as he tried to be stern. 

‘Joel, you shouldn’t do this.’ 

‘As of today you no longer have the right to tell me what to do.’

Chapter Text

Do gods fear? 

Joel watched the grin form on Etho’s lips under his stare. They don’t.

‘You’ve never talked to me like that.’ Etho chuckled, his voice low, pressed by Joel’s proximity.

‘I’ve always respected professor Etho.’

Joel bit down on the last two words with clarity, his breath silently resounding between their lips, inches apart.

The flicker of light darkened. Etho looked away.

‘Joel, this is still wrong.’

‘I fall by my own volition.’

Finally he was speaking with a sure answer in mind. Months of mental torture, of hesitation, of drowning in his self-imposed pool of despair, piling up to this moment then pulverising into oblivion. His left hand was on Etho’s arm, pressed against the glass wall, holding his body weight. Under his fingers, he could feel the tension in those muscles.

‘You shouldn’t.’

‘Kiss me.’

One light push, one imperative ‘no’, and he would be two feet away on the streets. He waited for the last bit of confirmation to his theory, ready to fail.

But the tension ceased, and he watched Etho’s eyes flutter close, lowering his head.

I’ll be the villain.

He tilted his face, finishing the one step Etho never took.

There was an overwhelming clarity to every texture. Etho wasn’t objecting to his kiss, but he held a silent and firm ground forbidding further progression, and Joel didn’t dare to challenge it. He felt Etho’s hand hover over his waist, scraping over his shirt, but in the end didn’t land.

A sharp pain pierced through his entire being. Very slowly, Etho tore his lips away, turning his head to the side. 

His voice was almost inaudible against the city noises.

‘I’m sorry I’ve let you do that.’ 

He gently grabbed Joel’s hand and led it away from him. ‘I need to go.’

‘Don’t. Please.’

‘It won’t work for many reasons.’ Etho was now a foot away, the intent in his eyes tainted with restrained pain. ‘Joel, I’m thirty. I’m your college professor. I have a PhD but no concept of pop culture. There are way better matches out there for you.’

‘Take me. I’ll imagine the rest.’

The restrained pain grew stronger. Etho shut his eyes.

‘No.’

‘Give me a reason.’

A suffocating silence. Joel was staring at Etho, the perfect contours of his face gradually becoming burns on his retina.

He watched Etho slowly exhale.

‘I love you.’

Through his frozen body and perception, he felt Etho press a light kiss to his forehead.

‘Good day, Joel.’

The city kept going behind him.

Chapter Text

Joel,

You were always annoyed by sunny days. I was the one that showed you how the sun created life. I’m not your light. I’m just the one that taught you how to see light.

Go forth in life. Keep looking for all that is bright.

Yours,

Etho

fin.

Chapter Text

Sequel is coming out.

I have always had a problem with continuing already completed works, but-

but-

[spoilers]

the crossover-

Yeah so Etho and Joel will be meeting again. Canonically. according to their lore.

yeah.

Am eXCITED