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Steward Nelson walks up to 18-year-old Anthony who is trying not to let his tears spill out. “My lord might we begin with the arrangements. The minister will need to be called and the casket, of course. One will need to be built.”
A Footman comes forward, “Forgive me, my lord. I have questions about the body. Should I move it from his chambers.”
Nelson acting as though nothing had just been said, “There is also the business of the letters. To give notice of the death. Not just to the other families but to the village too.”
Violet wails as she is sat on the stairs unable to compose herself, her lady’s maids unable to keep her still as she kicks and cries out for Edmund. Mrs Wilson, the Housekeeper, her face full of concern rushes to the group of men, “We should send for the doctor. She is still hysterical. It cannot be good for the baby.”
Nelson still focused on the business at hand, ignoring the hysterics and not noting Anthony’s barely there countenance, “I also must ask, my lord. Might you already have the keys to your father’s office? We have been searching.”
Milan Sharma rushes forward, “I found them. Anthony please come.” He puts his hand around the young lord’s shoulders, trying to focus on the boy he watched grow up, who in a few short hours has inherited the viscountcy due to the sudden death of his father. Looking to the man who works with him as a steward to the deceased lord with disdain and disappointment that he would pour all this on him in public, with no decency to slowly guide the man. Unlike most aristocratic families, in which Nelson’s behaviour would not be out of the ordinary, the Bridgertons were a loving family, and they didn’t just lose a lord, but a husband and father and the grief would be difficult to watch. Anthony did not deserve this, he needed to be properly guided, the way his father would if he was not gone. Milan trusted Anthony would be up to task, but he was only human, he needed a moment at least. “Nelson a moment please.” Trying to move past him.
“We are both tasks to help his lordship, we have duties, Sharma…”
“His lordship has just lost his father and gained all these duties which we will help him through, but not like this.” Violet let out a heart wrenching scream, and Anthony starts to go to her. “Mother needs…”
“I know. I have sent for the girls, and a doctor. Mrs. Wilson please attend to her in the guestroom she recently decorated. It should have the least amount of memories”, recalling the months and years after his first wife died. There was no escaping her memories as their little girl was her spitting image. Though it helped him process his grief, he knows at the moment, Violet does not need to be in the room near where the love of her life was lying dead. “Anthony please”
“You need to address him properly, Sharma. And who are you to give ord…”
“THAT IS ENOUGH!” Kathani Sharma’s voice cuts through the mania, with only Violet’s receding sobs heard in the silence. She hands her riding cloak to a nearby footman and runs towards her father and Anthony, taking Anthony’s hands. On hearing her voice, Anthony focused only on her hand in his as they all walk to the office silently. They had grown up together since Milan Sharma became a steward to Lord Edmund Bridgerton. Though the ton scoffed at a clerk to the Maharaja, the Sheffields, Lady Mary’s parents were only glad that their daughter found love. Milan did not want to be reliant on his in-laws and they helped him get connected to Edmund who was looking for a steward to help with the vast estate, one would not do if he wanted to be present with his family and fulfil his duties. So, Milan had been working for the family for 9 years, living in the village with his family- Mary his wife, 16-year-old Kathani his daughter from his first marriage, and 8-year-old Edwina, his daughter with Mary. As they get to the office, they hear Mary come in and she is directed to Violet and Edwina sent to be with the other Bridgerton children who are with their nurses.
16-year-old Benedict trying desperately to distract his siblings while worrying about his brother Anthony and feeling out of sorts with little to no information. He knows his father has passed, and his older brother is now the viscount, but what did that mean for their family. 11-year-old Colin, 10-year-old Daphne, 6-year-old Eloise, 5-year-old Francesca, 1-year-old Gregory, and their mother due any moment now with her 8th child.
In the office, after Kathani insist she was not leaving and Anthony showed no signs to let go of her hands, Nelson begins to list the things that are needed to be attended to, Milan nods while watching a still in shock Anthony. When addressed, Kathani squeezes his fingers and Anthony asks Nelson to start the letters and who they need to go to, Milan to help with the casket and other arrangements, confirming with him before acting. Nelson asks if Anthony is happy for Lady Bridgerton’s things to be moved to the room Milan sent her to. Nelson does not hide his contempt at the fact he has to answer to Milan and his daughter because Anthony will always permit them.
Anthony confused asks, “Why would mother be moved?” Milan looks sadly at the young man before him wishing he could better protect him from this reality he now lives.
Nelson states simply, and matter-of-factly “Because those rooms belong to you, my lord. You are the viscount now.” Like he is trying to tell the young lord to act accordingly and Kathani would let go of Anthony if it wasn’t certain her father would kill her for smacking Nelson. She rode on her horse, gifted to her by Lord Edmund for her 16th birthday after she kept beating Anthony in their horse races. Since she was 7, she had always followed her father to his work here at Bridgerton house, as Lord and Lady Bridgerton had sons her age to play with. Lady Mary and Lady Violet spent a lot of time together watch their children play and stopping Kathani and Anthony’s many attempts on each other’s lives. They fought often, still do, but now there are fewer dangers of a loss of limb. As soon as her father sent word, she could not wait for the carriage to be readied and came as soon as she could. Nelson had never liked that the Sharmas did not respect their place. Feeling Milan’s marriage to Lady Mary blurred the line as to where he stood. Milan attended family events, and his children played with the Bridgerton children. As the only daughter of an earl, Lady Mary and Edwina stood to inherit the Sheffield entail, but Milan and Kathani had no English nobility and he did not respect their connection to the Indian Royal family, it was meaningless in this society to Nelson, and he made Milan know this. Now, the same child and her father were more or less giving him orders and his lordship stood there lost. He suspected the Bridgertons would fall to ruin with such a weak son leading them.
Kathani never cared what anyone thought of her or her position in English society. Her mother was the daughter of a Rani and her stepmother, the daughter of an Earl. Her grandparents, Lady Mary’s parents were kind and supportive, treating her like she was theirs. The family her father worked for also welcomed her, especially Anthony as they grew older. She sometime fantasied about marrying him, dreaming of her season and them falling in love. But none of her dreams for them prepared her to help him with what he was going through. She had lost her mother, but she was too young to remember, she did not know what to do, for him, to help, but knew she was not going to let anyone make this worse than it was, starting with Nelson who had received her glares for years but was not prepared for what she would do to protect Anthony and his family.
Eventually, Milan goes to check on the children, leaving Anthony and Kathani in the office. Nelson has his roles and Milan had started inquiries to the tasks set to him. Anthony does not cry, he stares at the sheets of paper on his father’s desk, at the list of things he now must attend to. He was to start at Oxford in a few weeks, but that would have to wait… his family needed him, and he did not know if he could do it, he did not think he could be as good as his father. Even when he was alive, he could only hope to be half the man. Now, what choice did he have but to be perfect for his family? As even his perfection was nothing to the great man whose body laid upstairs, devoid of anything that made him the man who raised Anthony. He started taking his cravat and taking off his coat, he was suffocating. Kathani grab his face making him look into her eyes, she took his hands, laying one on his chest and the other on hers, breathing in rhythm until he matched her. He still did not cry, he fought the tears, not letting them spill, and so did she. She had to be strong for him, no matter how long he needed her.
Footmen come with various requests, Kathani sits across Anthony as the slip begin to pile up, she sorts them as they are coming based on urgency and what they entail. Her father joins them, and the Sharma stay the night; Mary in a room next to Violet’s and Edwina with the girls who have taken baby Gregory and are sleeping in Daphne’s room. Colin stays with Benedict and Anthony works through the night, refusing to stop while Milan walks him through the papers and Kathani helps wherever she can. Nelson left hours ago, looking in disgust as Milan and Kathani work on an estate neither has the right to. After midnight, seeing Kathani fighting sleep, Milan ushers both children to bed, Kathani in another guestroom, and Milan joins Mary. Neither knew that Anthony left his room to his father’s and sat with the dead body until the sun rose. Walking straight out the room to the office and so he began to retreat into himself, working on all the unfinished works his father left, trying to ensure that his family was safe and protected. He had to keep them safe and secure.
Milan helps him through the work as the year passes; Kathani stand with Anthony at his father’s funeral. Even as he barely speaks, she knows he needs her besides him, he leans to her, trusting her to steady him as the proceedings go. The Sharmas are with the family when Violet goes into early labour, Mary in the room with Violet as the doctor ignores both of them speaking to Anthony, Kathani outside with their little siblings, Daphne singing to Eloise and she keeping the other girls calm and Colin fed, Gregory is with his nurse and Benedict with Anthony as the pace and wait.
Anthony eventually fires Nelson, hiring a younger man who suits him better. Milan stays on as Anthony spends less time with Kathani and even his family. Benedict seems to have taken the role of caring for his siblings, distracting them and trying to ensure their childhood is not completely taken from them. Anthony, Benedict and Kathani take turns caring for Hyacinth, as Mary tries to bring Violet out the grief that has consumed her. With Anthony barely speaking to Kathani as the months roll by, and the family move to London. Milan keeps her updated that he is trying and endeavours to be home with his family during the weekends. During which time, Anthony tells Milan to make sure his affairs are in order after learning of some of the incomplete tasks included his sister’s dowries, and Milan confessed he had not set Edwina’s up.
When Anthony eventually goes to Oxford after delaying for months, relying on Milan and the new steward Joseph to keep him up to date. Kathani misses Anthony but does not push, she is surprised when her father states they are moving to London as the expense of the weekly trips are too great. When Anthony returns from Oxford as the season begins, a friend, Lord Jesper, joins him in order avoid going to his home and parents. Kathani comes to visit the Bridgertons as she knows Violet is still struggling but the girls have written to her about missing her. Jesper wanted to set his cap for Kathani, but she is not out yet.
“Come on Bridgerton, tell me about her; she may not be out yet, but when she is, I do not want to have to fight for her hand. I mean look at her, if she weren’t a gentle bred lady, well…”
Anthony looks to Milan who has not said anything. He knows some lords take offence when spoken to by employees and ignores the little lord knowing he would never grant her hand nor would Kathani entertain him. He is pretty sure his little girl is still in love with the Anthony, and the shell he has become has not deterred her feelings.
“Kathani is not out, and you will do well not to speak of her in that manner, especially in front of her father and me.”
“Her father?”
“Me, my lord” Milan responds, certain that though Anthony spoke in such a disinterested voice, he still cares for Kathani to call out his friend.
“You have a steward’s daughter loitering around your home like she is someone to regard?! Are you mad Bridgerton?”
Anthony stopped mid-sentence, whatever he was writing or had to do lost to him the moment Jesper opened his mouth to spew the venom about Kathani, he saw red. He had always been protective of Kathani as unlike Edwina, she was not the biological grandchild of the Sheffields and was reminded of such by lesser mind. Her endeavoured to keep such men out of his home while he was at Eton, never inviting them back if they so much as made her frown. Now this idiot who was lusting after her a second ago believes himself to be better than one of the best people he knows.
Jesper was quite literally throw into the streets with his belonging to follow, as Anthony picked him up by his jacket and dragged him out. Kathani kept the children from seeing the display and did not ask what happened after seeing her father smile and shake his head to deter her from asking. When Anthony started heading back to his office, he came briefly to check on her and the children. Giving a smile that still did not reach his eyes but was better than the scowl he had begun to know his face for the past year.
Milan has been watching Anthony sink further away from who he used to be, the boy who once expressed wanting to marry his daughter, great plans to take her on adventures and never stop annoying her because of how much her angry face made him laugh. That boy does not seem there anymore, but Milan holds on to the hope that his protective side, that passion to keep the ones he loves and cares for safe, will keep him from being lost forever in his grief.
A month to Kathani’s 18th birthday, Milan begins talking to her about being out the next season. She knows Anthony has been attending balls as part of his duty, but she does not know if he is ready to marry. Milan reassures her that Anthony has promised to be with her at every event, and hopes she saves a dance for him at every ball. Before the season is over, Milan falls ill and with Joseph the other steward doing well, Anthony rejects his offer to have a temporary replacement until Milan recovers, but he never does.
The Bridgertons rally around the Sharmas upon Milan’s death; the Sheffields, who stayed in Hertfordshire due to the scandal of their daughter’s marriage, had moved back to London when the Sharmas and Bridgertons did, but Lord Sheffield is quite weak and unable to represent the family. Anthony helps Kathani through the paperwork and all arrangements when a lot of vendors ignore her, as Lady Mary succumbs to her grief.
Violet is no better two years after the death of Edmund, when Mary joins her in the pit of despair due to their grief. Anthony’s aunts still come to help with Violet, especially as Kathani now has to care for her family and they are not able to be as present with the Bridgerton as they had grown used to. After Milan’s funeral, the Sharmas move with the Sheffields to Hertfordshire. Where Anthony and Kathani initially write to each other at least weekly, becoming less frequent before their last letter to each other, expressing their worries that they will never not have to care for their family. Kathani still writes to the sister, but not as much as Edwina; Lord Sheffield is ill and weak and Lady Sheffield and Kathani are weighed down by the care they dedicate to their loved ones, but even Lady Sheffield comes to rely on Kathani for the management of the estates as she knows Milan taught her and she helped Anthony earlier in his viscountcy.
Years roll by and both Kathani and Anthony, dedicated to their roles of caring for their loved ones, build walls around themselves not able to be anything but providers. Vendors and tenants come to respect Kathani and the work she is doing with the entail. As part of Edwina’s education, she set weekly time to teach her how to manage the estate as even though their mother is out of the worst parts of the grief, she never engages with Kathani when she speaks on the estate, neither does Lady Sheffield. Lord Sheffield tries, guiding to his best ability, but often tells Kathani, she is doing a better job than he ever did. With no one to turn to, Kathani stops looking out for help and locks herself in the study day and night, just as Anthony does in London.
Kathani is 21 when Anthony visits, the first time they have seen each other in 2 years. He had finished from Oxford, his mother doing better and the viscountcy thriving under him. Lady Bridgerton, eager to return to her role, wishes to host the annual Bridgerton Heart’s & Flowers ball, that had not happened for the past 5 years; Anthony wished to invite the Sheffield-Sharmas personally, and for them to come early to spend time with the family. They were missed. Kathani still had not debuted, with the work on the entail and neither her mother nor grandmother up to the task, she ignored the fact that she was getting closer to being an on-the-shelf spinster, noting less men in the community attempting to court her. not that there were much, most of those who did, thought she was the inheritor and promptly begged off when they learnt she was not, and she made her thoughts well known about guarding her sister. Eventually, when the time came for the country visit Lady Sheffield, Mary and Edwina accompany her as Lord Sheffield can’t come due to his still weak health.
Anthony spent most of the country visit locked away in his office when he suspected that the main aim of the ball was to match Anthony with an eligible Miss. Violet hoped scaring him with so many debutants would prompt him to finally court and marry Kathani, who she worried was getting older and was probably waiting on her son to do what both families had expected should they not have suffered their losses. Anthony does not quite care to know his mother’s motives for her behaviour; worse than his relationship with his siblings was that with his mother. She all but crawled into the grave after his father, abandoning him to not just the role as viscount and head of house, but father in many ways he knew he could never live up to. She even said so herself, many times during the years; how father would be disappointed, he would never make the decision, or rather mistakes Anthony was, he was kinder, more thoughtful… better. Grief made her absent and cruel, and Lady Mary followed after the death of Milan. He never knew if Lady Mary was also cruel, especially to Kathani, but she abandoned her children in the same way his mother did. With Lord Sheffield’s ill health, Lady Sheffield focused on caring for her husband. All four of them leaving Anthony and Kathani to care for everything else while they faced themselves, and he still struggled to not resent them for it. Especially as everyone seemed to have turned the corner around the same time.
Kathani caught up with the Bridgertons and Edwina did not need a guestroom as she spent the whole visit in Daphne’s room with the other sisters; it was like nothing had changed for them. While for Anthony and Kathani, though always together in his office before the ton arrived, they hardly caught up, speaking only of their duties, trading advice and suggestions for improvement. Things for them were different, they were mere shells of themselves, and they know it; conversation felt stiff and forced if about their personal lives so both relied on hearing what the other was up to from their siblings, as nothing felt forced for Anthony and Edwina or Kathani and any of the Bridgertons.
The first dinner with the whole party of the ton, Valerie Marshwell, the daughter of a Marquess, followed by her little group of shallow and cruel debutants cornered Kathani as she stood alone waiting for dinner to start. When the ton arrived, Lady Mary and Lady Sheffield refused to let her continue to waste her time of correspondence regarding the estate. They had only allowed her the first few days as she was spending time with Anthony, and they secretly hoped they would rekindle there tendre and marry or at least be on their way to it. As that seemed to have failed, they wanted Kathani to interact with other young ladies and make friends. This again did not work and Kathani having spent a lot of time at Aubrey Hall, found multiple hiding places to stay away from the women in her family.
“Well, if it isn’t Miss Sharma. Pray tell, after your father died, why have you not removed your desperate begging tentacles from the Bridgertons? You do know you do not belong here.”
“Lady Marshwell, do you not have your lack of marriage prospects to contend with?”
“Why I… Lord Bridgerton, how wonderful it is to see you tonight, your mother has truly outdone herself with his visit. I heard so much about them from my mother, I am glad to have been honoured to have an invite to witness it myself.”
Anthony ignored her, she has been trying to endear herself to him since last season and not even if she were the last woman on earth would he consider subject himself to a lifetime with her.
“Kathani…”
“Anthony” she knew he had heard and was helping her put the toad in her place, but it did not stop her heart skipping a beat when she heard her name from his lips for the first time in years. She smiles at him, and it is like it always is with them, even hollowed, and grief stricken, they find comfort in each other, and when in a crowd, they blur the noise out focusing on each other. When the dinner bell is rung, he offers his arm to Kathani, “Allow me to escort you in”
“You cannot!” Miss Marshwell exclaims, the crowd turns to the group as Kathani takes his arm. “I do not recall addressing you”
“Anthony, it is my fault. I was kind enough to entertain her and she seems to have forgotten herself. Let us try and leave her with some dignity and walk away, you know how I am with such dramatics”
They laugh for the first time together and walk into the room. Kathani joins her family, who are seated near the Bridgertons, the family who ensured the Sheffield Sharmas could never be kept out of society, and their seating reenforced this. Lady Sheffield decides that next season, Kathani is debuting; kicking and screaming, she does not care. If Lord Bridgerton chooses to not court and marry her, there will be one gentleman who would, especially while Lord Sheffield still lived, and they were protected by his name. The entail may fall to Mary at his death, but she knows that will only release the desperate hounds who may want to force Mary or even young Edwina into a marriage for the security of the Sheffield fortune. My granddaughter will be given her due…
That night it storms, and when Anthony sees a light in the library, he is unsurprised that it is Kathani.
“Still unable to sleep through storms I see”, he says frightening Kathani who is used to the solitude of Sheffield Manor during storms. She dropped the book she picked up off the shelf. Turning and glaring at Anthony who is his breeches and loose shirt.
“I see you still enjoy frightening me at night, my lord”
“Really Kathani, ‘my lord’?” She smiles at his annoyance. Unsure why it took Valerie Marshwell for them to go back to their easy teasing or maybe it was because they were forced to step away from work for a while and feel some semblance of relaxing. Anthony heads to his decanter, pouring two fingers of whisky for the both of them. She raises her eyebrow at this. “You are an adult Kathani, I think whisky is okay and should certainly make it easier to relax and send you off to bed. At least, it does for me”
She takes it wordlessly and goes to the settee by the window, staring at the storm. “I can’t believe you still do not let your family know about your discomfort”
“Do you let your family know about yours? You certainly do not share any with me. At least you know mine…”
“You will think me foolish”
“Don’t I already?” he smiles recalling all the time she had called him foolish, and how most of the time she was right.
“Anthony, it’s me…”
“You know my father was the greatest man I ever knew… and even growing up with him beside me, I knew I would never be half the man he was. Since he died… when you went to bed I went and stayed with his body all night. And I don’t know how to explain it… maybe it was thinking of Uncle Hugo and my grandfather… I just knew, I wasn’t long for this world… Bridgerton men do not lived to an advanced age, and I don’t see myself living past 38 Kathani, I don’t see myself surpassing my father in anything in this life let alone how long I live it…”
Kathani listened and took a sip of her drink. It was the craziest thing she had ever heard but so was her certainty that she would die each time it stormed. It hadn’t been bad for a few years due to her father, and one time Anthony, reading to her. Her birth mother had passed in a storm and by Anthony’s logic and her irrational fear, she had herself 3 years left of life and none of it would be spent for herself. “You know more than any other person living of my fear of storms, of dying in a storm… Anthony, I do not think you foolish, irrational, but that is what our fear is… that we are not enough and that we will never have enough time to be better, or fix or mistakes… honestly, I get it. Mainly because by your logic, I won’t live past 24 like my mother…”
“Do not…”
“And you think I wish you to die young too? To… to leave me? Anthony… if you believe you have such little time, I wonder what you wish to do with it.”
“For now, I just have to protect my family, but soon, not as soon as my mother would like, I will likely need a viscountess and an heir…”
“Never thought you would think your child to a title”
“I would not treat him as such, but it is naïve to deny what my duty is”
“I hate what we’ve become… the roles we find ourselves in… we never thought of our futures this way”
“How do you think of your future?”
“What do you mean?”
“You never debuted… you may not get the entail, but you care for it for Edwina. You put all you are for Edwina and her future but what of yours? You know mine, from my birth it was destined- wed, bed and breed”
“If you ever speak like that anywhere, I will castrate you!”
He laughs as he says “I do not doubt that. But you cannot avoid my question. What is your future Kathani?”
“I never debut because all I saw when I thought of it was my father’s smile as he told me the plans for my debut. He was so excited to have me get the experience mother raved about. Grandmama certainly could not make me, not after she looked up close to my 20th and realised how locked behind the duties to the entail I was. She has apologised for failing me, but I would not have it any other way, given the power to care for my family. Especially after grandfather dressed down his steward who made Nelson look like a prince! I know she regret depending on me too much and not giving me a season, but I do not want one. I certainly do not care how old I am, I am not ready for marriage. There is too much to do for my family, to ensure they are safe. Grandfather may be well now but we both know how quickly that can turn. Edwina is not ready, and nor is my mother who is the heir apparent; the entail may not fall to me, but I still have a duty to protect and care for it for my family.”
“You sacrifice far too much of yourself, even if it is for family.”
“Are you speaking to me or yourself? Do not be a hypocrite.”
“Yes, but as a man…”
“Be careful where you go with that”
“As man, should I live longer than which I doubt, I can still sire an heir… Kathani, you wanted children, you had their names picked out, which you used, every time we played with your dolls.”
“And you wanted children, not heirs and spares”
“Kathani!”
“Anthony!”
He sighed, rubbing his face, and finishing off his drink. “I know you worry about being taken away from the entail so you choose not to want to marry so you can stay there. But I also know should you marry, you would not marry someone who would take you from it, but they will be the one to be in charge and not you, and that’s what you aren’t ready to let go off”
“You think there is a way to do your duty and usurp mine?”
“What?!” she smiled when she realised that he was not thinking of himself as her hypothetical husband; and like that, she vowed to let go of the childish dream of them.
“Most men are not like you, or our fathers that would respect my capabilities. Or look past my lack of bloodline to the Sheffields. I have a very respectable dowry, but should I marry, it may still affect Edwina’s match so I have to have the best, but I will not be needed, let alone wanted by the best”
“Then they are not the best but fools”
“Do you count yourself amongst the fools?”
“Kathani”
“I do not mean, those who do not wish to marry me. I mean how you cast me aside and pushed me away when I was trying to help you. After your father died…”
“I was not your responsibility.”
“You were my friend. Grieving, thrust in a role you did not foresee yourself in for many more years.”
“I was a burden, and it was unfair to rely on you so heavily, pull you away from your life. You picked up everything I needed to do and be so easily, Kathani, you could have been viscount, and do a better job than me, certainly Benedict, who thank goodness kept our family sane when I only drive them to madness. When Milan passed, I hated that for you. I had set you free to have a better life away from the misery I brought, and you had to live the same pain. But unsurprisingly, you excelled in your duty. I know your capabilities and admire you for all of them. I am forever grateful to have you in my life, then now and for however long, but I am not your duty Kathani, I do not wish to burden you, and it saddens me that you still lost so much before you even got it…”
“This is a wasted exercise as I have said, marriage is not in my future, and I have come to terms with being the best aunt in the world to Edwina’s children. When they come in the far-off future, I hope we both see.”
“Even with it all, the role, expectations, family… I am glad it is me” he says which felt like a shift she didn’t expect. But more than that, she agrees.
“I feel the same; I rather it be me than mother or Edwina. Not matter how endless these duties are. Though they haven’t felt so bad this week, your advice has been helpful”
“And as always, so have yours. Perhaps we don’t stop… seeking advice and help from each other. We both know we do not look to anyone else, but we can look to each other. We’ve always been able to rely on one another, it was foolish to stop.”
“And you were that fool?”
“For the love of… Kathani…”
They laugh and he pours another glass for them. She looks at him and they both take a sip of their drinks, neither breaking eye contact. “I missed you Kathani…”
“I missed you too, Anthony…”
They are in love with each other, and always have been. But neither ever saying it nor are either ready for marriage or to let go of their grief. Kathani would have to leave her family in Hertfordshire to be with him, and Anthony does not feel like he is anywhere near deserving of her, because he is not his father. He does not want her to be with his lesser self. If they are not to be together, Kathani wants one thing before she says goodbye to her dream of more. She places her glass on the windowsill, and takes his, and does the same.
“Kathani…” he whispers as she straddled him, pushing him back against the settee. He looks up to her, the woman he has never stopped thinking about no matter how long the do not see or speak or far away she is.
“We have been friends for years and we let our duties take a lot away from us. I only ask for a kiss Anthony… you will not deny your dear friend such a chaste request.”
“Kathani I cannot…”
“I am not doing this because of your reputation Anthony, I just… Anthony…”
“Kathani, if I start, I fear I will not stop at a kiss… if you do not know that I desire you but respect you too much to treat you as less than the lady you are… Kathani I cannot…”
She leans back, pouting, staring into his eyes. Eyes she saw herself looking at forever and cannot bear to look away now for this was not the goodbye she envisioned.
“I understand…” she says, and she gets up, grabs her drink, and takes it all in one. She smiles sadly at Anthony who has gotten up too. He places one hand on her waist and the other twirling her hair; she reaches across and place her hand in the opening of his shirt, caressing his chest, moving her hand upwards till she wraps her arms around his neck. Both lean forward and kiss. It starts sweet and slow; she opens her mouth and allows him to explore. The kiss deepens and they pull each other close, even with no room between them it is not enough. Anthony recollects himself when he starts to gather her dress up, rubbing her thighs, trying to get to her core but he pulls away from the kiss still holding her by her waist and hair.
“You truly are the bane of my existence Kathani Sharma, but you also are the object of all my desires and… if we continue… Kat, we both said we are not ready to be wed… I do not wish for us to be forced into a situation; we are not ready for.”
She smiles at him and kisses him at the edge of his lips. “We guess we do have a ball to attend tomorrow, and I’m helping your mother with the set up. When we leave here, we will have to write to each other, as friends… I do not want you to be missing from me anymore…”
He nods, and heartbroken, they step out of their embrace, before Anthony pulls her back to him; her back against his chest and takes one final inhale and kiss on her neck. He wraps his arms around her, with his chin on her shoulder, eyes shut committing this to his memory, and Kathani leaning into the embrace with a heavy sigh she plants a chaste kiss on his cheek, “Good night, Anthony…”
“Good night, Kathani”
The next day is a blur of activities, Kathani surprised at how quickly Lady Bridgerton floats in and out of rooms. It has been years since she saw her so energetic. She follows her to check on guests as well, introducing her to many notable players of the ton. Certainly not going for subtly here… Kathani thinks dryly, as she holds the fake smile on her face, and stops fantasising about killing Anthony when she sees him laughing at her being stuck in a mind- numbing conversation with Lady Featherington and Lady Hood.
At the ball, she enters with her mother and grandmother, and Anthony escorts her in for the first dance. This was the first time they had danced since childhood; it was Kathani’s first ball thus her first dance at one and the first time Anthony had danced at a ball, it did not go unnoticed by many on the ton. Miss Marshwell quietly seething, having learnt Kathani was truly regarded and protected by the Bridgertons. Her mother would not shut up about losing such a prize to an unknown spinster.
Anthony needed to act as co-host and held onto Kathani as the circled the floor. Benedict, still at Cambridge, came up to ask Kathani for a dance. Benedict and Kathani, though friendly, were still awkward and unsure towards each other. Kathani noticed the change in his behaviour to her after their father’s death and time never repair whatever broke between them. She missed painting with him, conspiring to vex Anthony. They couldn’t do so now with her living so far away but, she hardly saw him during this visit, and she had plenty one-on-one time with every other Bridgerton.
“I resented you for a while you know” almost answering her thoughts, but the statement was a surprise.
“Why?”
“You were there for him in the beginning, helping him with the viscountcy and his duties while I was always told not to worry, and everything would be okay. We are the same age and yet I was relegated to being treated no different than my younger siblings while you held the regard of staff like… like…”
“I was acting as the head of house, or at least close to it…”
“My mother was alive, but barely there I understood, but as crude as it sounds, I am the spare and need to know these things more than you did. But you were there, every morning to night… and it took me a while, and a summer when I expressed interest and Anthony took me with him to all his duties did, I realise why I was never wanted there. I would have been of no use…”
“Ben…”
“It is true. I have heard of what you are doing for Sheffield Manor. Men in the club complain of the frightening young Miss Lord Sheffield has for a granddaughter, but they are glad you are good with investments. If you stay away from Anthony for a minute, you will be swarmed with willing dance partners.”
“Do not jest!” she looks around and spies multiple men preening at her. “And do not leave my side!”
Laughing he apologises for pulling away from her, acknowledging that she was probably far more useful than he ever would have been.
“Benedict, we both know even before that I followed my father everywhere. Yes, I was there for Anthony, but I was doing what I always knew. You on the other hand had to shield your siblings in a way we were not shielded from the realities of our losses. I do admit, it must have been different for you, made to feel like you were watching it all through a glass, but Anthony acknowledges that it was you who got him through those months.”
“How, I was present, but I did nothing extraordinary, which is why there was no problems when I stopped helping. But if you had stopped what you were doing, with your siblings with your mother… well, I do not think we would be at this ball today, we might have in a few more years, but your mother is who she is now, because you were there for her, doing what Anthony could not attend to. You are two halves of the equation. Anthony may be business and practical for the family, but you are the love and light that brought back life to the family”
“Anthony said that”
“When have you know Anthony to use words like that… He said you were the sanity, even when he was the one driving the family to madness. You kept everyone going, or at least made sure they knew they were capable of it till they did.”
“Thank you Kathani,” he smiles at his old friend, wishing he had this conversation earlier, maybe they would have had more time together before she departed with the rest of the ton. “We should paint once before you leave, for old times.”
“I would like that.”
At the end of the dance, he escorts her so she may hide in the powder room before emerging, hoping no one was looking out for her, or going to request a dance. Anthony fids her first and leads her to a waltz. Guests note it is their second dance, and Lady Bridgerton ignores the foolishness as she smiles at her son, dancing gracefully with the woman she can’t wait to make her daughter. “I have watched Kathani grow, since I met her at 8. She is a dear friend to the family, and this is her first ball. She isn’t out yet, but Anthony being the wonderful son I raised, will not let her have anything less than a perfect time.” She says to no one in particular, but the point is made. Kathani was to be a Bridgerton someday and there was nothing improper about her second dance with Anthony. When Lady Cowper made a snide comment about social climbing in relation to the Sharmas, she endeavoured to make sure the matrons there knew, the Sheffield-Sharmas will always be welcome to Bridgerton event, but there weren’t any other families she could say that about, including the ones present.
Kathani does not care if she dances all of the sets with Anthony, she is not out and has no intention to subject herself to the ton. They both simply enjoy being in each other’s arms.
The country visit comes to an end and Kathani and the Sheffield-Sharmas bid goodbye to the Bridgertons a few days after other parties have left. As the Bridgertons return to London for the rest of the season, Anthony barely participates, with Benedict escorting their mother more often than he does. Before the final ball of the season, his mother comes to speak with him in his office.
“Anthony, I was hoping you would come to the ball with me. It is the final one of the season before everyone retires to the country.”
“I agreed to meet you there, I still have some business to attend to”
“Are you still corresponding with Kathani? Edwina wrote to Eloise that she thinks you both are writing to each other a lot.”
“I seek her counsel and she mine… mother I know there is a point to this, and I am no better at doing the dance around whatever it is you wish to discuss than you. Is there something I can assist with?”
“I just do not understand why you are not asking for her hand. Everyone saw it at the ball in Aubrey Hall. I all but declared it would happ…”
“You did what?!”
“Anthony! She has been in love with you for years, she is not getting any younger. What if she debuts and you lose her? Can you afford to lose her?”
“Of course, yet another thing I am failing”
“What does that mean?”
“Exactly what I said mother, after 5 years of being barely there, only showing some sort of life when you tell me all the ways I’m failing my duties, to the family, to the estate, to you, to father! When you were not telling me that you wished to crawl into the grave with him, you made it clear that it was not me you wished to be here but him. You did that; said… said things I will not repeat… and now you have overcome it, I am to act like it did not happen? And you wish for me to put Kathani through that? As if she has not lost and suffered enough, you wish… you wish… please mother, I will be at the ball. And when I am ready to marry, it will not be to Kathani. Love has no place in the marriage I plan, and she deserves better. Not that she even wants to marry.”
“So, you have discussed this?…”
“Mother…”
“What I mean Anthony is you are right. I am sorry that you witness your father’s death and my… I’m sorry that I failed you because that is what I did. In making you disavow love, I failed you. You may not have been alone, but you were without parents even as I was physically here, and you did not deserve that. Kathani did not deserve the same fate either. But I must ask you if you truly know Kathani…”
“What does that mean?”
“What I mean darling is, even if I have to go through the loss again and I will never regret loving your father. I do not regret the life with him, and I will endure that pain a thousand times for the moments I had with him. Because true love, what I shared with your father; what I suspect you share with Kathani, is worth it. But as you say you know Kathani truly, does she seem like one to fall to the grief as I did, her mother. Because what I see instead is a woman you endured the pain with grace and strength, that carried her family through it and still does. Kathani is strong Anthony, if you will not go for love first, know that.” And she leaves her son to his thoughts.
Two days after his conversation with his mother, Anthony later receives a letter:
My Dearest Anthony,
I do hope you and the family are well and shall be well rested for the upcoming social season.
To that regard, I have a request, seeing as my grandmother has rather cunningly got me to agree to debut next season. From your letters, I understand your rather unsavoury views of the entire social season, which fortunately, we both agree on.
Regardless, you had promised to attend every event and ball I would. Though, this was years ago and not in writing but as a gentleman, I trust you will keep your word. If only to prevent me from riding to Kent to procure the Mallet of Death, to use on you as I see fit.
Anthony Bridgerton, you will not leave me to suffer fools alone! Especially on the dance floor. I have only recovered from that man at the Hearts & Flowers ball, my delicate frame will not take it.
I shall see you next season, from the day of my debut to the day I escape the hell.
Always seething,
Your Kathani
Perhaps, they court and see if… they are ready… He thinks.
When the season come, just as Lady Sheffield insisted, Kathani debuts. Her presentation to the Queen went well, even with Lady Mary’s nerves, Anthony watched Kathani charm the Queen with ease that Her Majesty seemed to forget Lady Mary who she initially had a sneer on her face for. “A diamond, raising a diamond, I hope to hear good things from you this season Miss Sharma.”
The families are ecstatic for Kathani, Lady Sheffield who, despite knowing Kathani is safe as the family will care for her, had worried about what could happen if her beloved husband passed. Kathani was not the inheritor of the entail, and she desperately wanted her granddaughter to find a match while he is still alive. Kathani had a sizable dowry, connections to the Bridgerton, though not the one she still held out hope for. As the diamond, only the best would court her, and she deserved that, the best of the ton. They had feared she would be courted by fortune hunters who hear of her dowry or older men who have sister or young daughters to care for or are seeking a last chance at an heir. When Anthony calls on her before the ball, he is shocked by the sheer number of bouquets in Sheffield house. Benedict was not underestimating the allure of Kathani to the ton. He should be happy for her, and yet…
It has been a week into the season, and Anthony can barely contain his jealousy. Kathani is courted by every respectable (to the public at least) member of the peerage, and any and all their eligible male relatives. They dance at every ball, but only once as she can only save the waltz for him but to him, it is simply not enough. The Sheffield home is always busy, and after the second day he called, he isn’t allowed to skip the queue. He pouts thinking he does not regret showing James Dorset the door. Kathani was to young, too bold, too pretty, too smart, too wonderful for any of these men here and he could not understand why her family were entertaining them. He thought for a second his mother shared his conversation about Kathani with them but was sure Kathani would have made good on the threat of using the Mallet of Death on him, but he was still standing unharmed.
Anthony recalled a habit of Kathani’s, he had not used to his advantage. He goes to their spot at Hyde Park. Sill recalling the dressing down they gave each other. It led to weeklong silence, her disgusted at his rakish ways, and he annoyed with her risky behaviour. Riding alone at dawn, and they still find each other. It is understandable why their families are upset they have not wed; fate throws them together so often, but they are stubborn and fight it.
But not anymore… maybe it was seeing her with others and fearing she would leave him for someone else, fall in love with them and their family love her too. They could be from Hertfordshire, or willing to move so she remains with her family. This nameless faceless man being the answer to her unspoken prayers and Anthony could not bear it. Kathani was everything to him, always had been. She was right that he needed to make the most of the time he had, and it was her he wanted. Writing kept him sane, since their kiss, but barely. Seeing her, touching her dancing with her; risking them both with a slip of their hands, unfiltered looks across the ballroom and now a rendezvous in the park! It had only been a week and Anthony knew he could not share her… he had to have all of her, and they will come up with a plan. They had done so all their lives for others, they could do so for themselves now.
It does not take long for her to see him, leaning against a tree, fiddling with his riding crop. She jumps quickly from her horse, leading it to his, why she ties it to the tree, Anthony is surprised that she jumps into his arms and begins kissing him. He returns the passion spinning her till he has her back against the tree trunk, raising one leg and holding her derriere.
“Always a welcomed greeting Kathani… but to what do I owe the pleasure?”
“I wanted to…”
“I love that about you”
She pulls away from him, studying him… “You aren’t going to tup me in the park?”
“What?! Of course not!”
“Anthony, you haven’t had morning rides here since the season began, I know. I haven’t seen you. So, if this is not to succumb to what I know you feel for me, what are you doing here waiting? Was there…” she looks around fearing he was waiting on someone else. He takes her face in both hand and stares into her eyes. “Kathani… we are never alone, not just because of all your suitors… but our families are hovering worse than before… did you tell them what we spoke about last year?”
“Of course not! I would have been march to the alter before I finish that declaration!”
“Well, my mother spoke to me at the end of last season, and I have had months to think of what we discussed and her points”
“And?”
“I wish to marry you Kathani”
“Anthony…”
“No, I need you to look at me… I have love you for years… through joys, grief, and distance I never stopped loving you… we both have our reasons we never wanted to succumb to the passion between us… but they do not seem good enough anymore! To deny ourselves for what? Duties that we already work together to attend to? Families we both care for and act in a way that most assume we are married already. Kathani, we are married in all, but name and I want more! I want you! I want a life with you that suits us both, and our families… I want to court you properly and propose gallantly. I want to be yours completely because I can never belong to another…”
“Anthony”
“I love you… I am totally yours Kathani, please have me”
“If you let me speak, I could say yes you foolish man!”
“Really? Kat…”
“I love you, always have always will. It was the reason I could not debut. Knowing you wouldn’t have me; I couldn’t have you… I would never subject myself to a life with another. There is only you Anthony, only ever you, now and for always…
I know it has only been a week but my family loves London… yes it has its perks but we both know…”
“The country…”
“Yes… It may hold ghosts for us, but it is where I would like us to have this life you are promising me. But for now, the Bridgertons primarily reside in London, and we can too. London has the best doctors for grandfather, teachers for Edwina and mother and grandmama simple enjoy the life here. And we have proven able to manage our distant duties wherever we are… we won’t fail in our duties and…”
“We will do it together, as we have been… Kathani, we are to marry”
“It has been a while we were well acquainted; I do have to ensure you meet a few requirements”
“Kathani…”
“For starters, we will have children not heirs”
“Of course!”
“You will not die before you are at least 100”
“Kathani…”
“Anthony, you will not leave me. I will survive the grief in my advanced years knowing you fought to stay with me, knowing we built a life together, a long happy, vexed, passionate life together…”
“I shall see what I can do.”
“I already told fate that if you are to be mine, you will be mine for as long as I will have you. And I desire to have you forever.”
“You are mad you know that right?”
“Would you have me any other way”
“Any Kathani you are, would always be perfect for me… you are my very soul Katyayani Sharma… and you are to be my wife in this life”
By the end of the season’s second week, it is obvious to the ton that the diamond in singular in her affections for Viscount Bridgerton, who is just as enamoured. They are engaged a week later, Anthony proposing with his mother’s betrothal ring. She said she had always hoped to give it to Kathani, even before Edmund’s passing. The families are ecstatic, and do not wish for them to run away, either from each other or to Greta Green. Their wedding is the next Hearts & Flowers ball, and it goes spectacularly well, The Queen gifting her diamond a jewellery set made of diamonds and pearls. Though not the small intimate ceremony they hoped for, Kathani and Anthony are so besotted with each other to care, to their families, it is the first sign of the burdened couple, moving on from their grief. The couple use Milan and Kathani’s mother, Chandrika’s wedding bands, carrying the love of their parents into their marriage. At the wedding reception, Lord Sheffield calls attention to himself as he prepares a toast to the newlyweds.
“Many of you recall when my dearest Mary married Milan. I had never been so upset, to see my daughter love another man but me… more than me in fact!
But I forgave her as with Milan came Kathani. It only seemed fair I get a granddaughter seeing as he took my only daughter.
I remember the first time I met my little Kathani, she came out of the carriage and walked right up to me and said, ‘My name is Kathani, it’s your pleasure to meet me’.
Well, it certainly was for the first few minutes before my age told me never to agree to a race with a 7-year-old.
You have been the light of our lives ever since; taking care of your parents, your sister, who at least lets an old man have his dignity in games, and to the wonderful family you are marrying into.
Kathani, you and Anthony were destined for each other. You have both been through so much, and never truly lost each other, grounding the other in ways none of the rest of us could do for either of you.
I still remember the first day you both met. I had a bet, that one of you would kill the other considering Kathani was attempting to chase Anthony with the Mallet of Death, or we will be here, at your wedding someday… I am glad it is the latter, though my money is still on you Kathani, I still have time to collect on the bet.
Anthony, you are a wonderful man, and I can see no other deserving of my little girl.
Thank you for the love you and your family have shown mine all these years, and I look forward to many more with you, and children you shall finally grant us parents our revenge on the adventures you both took us through in your youth.
To Kathani and Anthony… I wish you both love, happiness, and prosperity…”