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“Carisi, you're holding your back. Are you sure that you don't need to go to the ER?”
For once, Rafael Barba sat quietly in Olivia Benson’s office and just listened while her detectives discussed their current case. It wasn’t that he didn’t have opinions—Barba always had opinions—but he was distracted. His eyes were fixed on Detective Sonny Carisi, standing in front of his Lieutenant’s desk, hand pressing to his right flank.
Carisi had looked better. Instead of his usual crisp suits, he wore jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, and a filthy-looking jacket. He had been wearing a beanie as part of his current undercover assignment, and it left his usually neat, trim hair looking dirty and hanging over his forehead. The detective looked exhausted, stressed, and in pain.
Yes, Barba had opinions. But he was not in a position to voice those opinions.
“No, I'm fine, all right?” Sonny sank heavily into a chair in front of Benson’s desk. “It's just a bruise. It's not broken. I think they were just trying to scare me.”
“No kidding. Three on one,” Amanda Rollins snorted.
“Yeah, till Caskey showed up, evened the odds.” Sonny winced, hand still on his lower back.
Barba bit his lip and pretended to be deeply interested in his phone. He didn’t like the way Sonny was holding his side. And he was annoyed by how much he didn’t like it.
“Okay, so you making friends in there?” Benson asked.
“No, not exactly. Just before that, Caskey was busting my chops in group therapy. I had to tell everybody what a thrill I get looking at child porn.” Carisi sighed heavily and looked at the floor. “Made me sick to my stomach.”
Rafael didn’t look up from his phone, but his gut clenched. This assignment, Carisi posing as a sex offender at a halfway house, was awful. It had to be killing the kind-hearted detective to even pretend to make such an admission. It went against everything Sonny Carisi stood for. Barba glanced up briefly at the detective, but shifted his eyes away quickly before anyone noticed. He and Sonny had not been doing… whatever it was they were doing for long, but he knew the other man well enough to know that when he said it made him sick, he was telling the truth.
“I don't mean to keep saying it, but he is a target, inside the shelter, and now outside the shelter.”
Though he knew he should be paying attention (after all, he would be prosecuting this case in the not-so-distant future), Rafael’s mind began to wander. He thought back a few weeks, to a rainy night in Forlini’s when Barba had offered to help Carisi prep for the Bar exam.
They really had studied and reviewed — at first. But the scotch was flowing and both of them got a little drunker than they’d planned. Rafael had forgotten an umbrella and Sonny had offered to walk him home, sharing his own with the attorney.
They had continued chatting through the rainy streets, both a little tipsy but not completely over -the- top wasted. They were both just the right amount of drunk for their usual defenses to be lowered, but not so much that their judgment was impaired. Despite the umbrella, they were both damp and cold when they arrived, and Rafael had invited Sonny up to dry off.
And it had started out just as that — two friends drying off and talking over a nightcap. To this day, Rafael couldn’t remember which one of them had moved first. All he knew is that one minute he was listening to Carisi tell him about his latest case, Barba’s gaze lingering on Sonny’s lips. And the next thing he knew, he was kissing the detective. It was hesitant at first, both pausing to make sure the other was comfortable with the turn of events. But quickly it deepened, the two of them sliding down into the warmth of each other.
The evening ended as one would expect a slightly drunk, desire-fueled evening would. Carisi woke up at first light in Rafael’s bed, and though he had a slight headache from his overindulgence the night before, he could honestly say it was the most pleasant morning he could ever recall.
“…Because Mr. Caskey just sort of saved Carisi's ass.”
Barba pulled himself out of his reverie, embarrassed to realize he had completely missed that Detective Tutuola had come in. He cleared his throat and stuck his phone in his jacket pocket, trying to look like he had not completely zoned out in a meeting while fantasizing about one of the participants in said meeting.
“Well, she says she thinks she saw him.”
“Is she sure?” Carisi asked, disbelief in his voice.
“Not one-hundred percent.” Tutuola’s face was stony.
“How many percent?”
Barba rolled his eyes even as Benson stepped between her detectives. “Okay, Carisi, look, this guy may have just bailed you out, but he did do ten years for the rape of a woman Sofie Nomaks' age.”
“Yeah, I get it. I get it.” The eager, young detective Sonny had been just a few years before when he joined the squad shone through. “I'm his fellow pervert. I'm not some woman alone in a dark hallway, but he told me he was with his wife when Sofie got raped.”
“He told me the same thing,” Rollins confirmed. “We've left her messages.”
“Okay, so go see her.” Benson nodded to Rollins and Tutuola. “And Carisi, you're ‘friends’ with Caskey now? Get friendlier.”
She dismissed her detectives, and Barba shot to his feet and grabbed his briefcase. “Liv, keep me updated on the case,” he said briskly. “I have a—um—meeting. To get to.”
He ignored her baffled expression as he rushed out. “Detective,” he called after Carisi. “Can I have a word? In private?”
“Um, sure?”
Carisi followed Barba into an empty conference room. The attorney closed the door and turned to him. “Carisi…” He trailed off, suddenly feeling ridiculous. “I think Olivia is right. You should get checked out by a doctor.”
The detective sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. “Seriously? Barba, I’m fine. It’s just a bruise. You dragged me in here for this?”
“I—” he cut himself off and glanced at the window to the hallway. “Hold on.” Barba stepped over and closed the blinds. That will get everyone whispering, he thought, but shoved the thought aside. “Let me see.”
“For Pete’s sa—”
“Please, Carisi.”
Grumbling, he turned and lifted his jacket and shirt to reveal impressive black and blue bruises blooming on his flank. Rafael’s heart clenched. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch him, soothing the angry flesh. He squeezed his fists tight instead, and looked up at Sonny.
“Please see a doctor.”
“Barba—”
“You could have fractured ribs—”
“And if I have cracked ribs, the only thing anyone can do is tape ‘em up,” Carisi shot back. “I will be fine. Barba,” he went on, cutting off the attorney’s protests. “I am a detective. I am trained to handle these kinds of situations. You have to trust me.”
Barba sighed and planted his hands on his hips. “I just—” He cut himself off. “I know we haven’t talked about whatever this is that we’re doing. For all I know, you’re seeing someone else, and you would be within your rights to do that. But I don’t—” He paused to take a deep breath. “I don’t like seeing you hurt.”
Sonny visibly softened. “Barba—”
“This isn’t easy, so let me finish.” He took a deep breath. “I don’t like seeing you hurt,” he repeated. “I don’t like seeing you exhausted from sleeping in that hellhole. I don’t like hearing that you are being beaten by men on the street with a baseball bat. I don’t like it. And why are you grinning at me like that?”
Carisi gave a valiant try at smothering a smile, but he didn’t quite get there. “You’re worried about me.”
“I—” Rafael started to protest, then sagged against the conference table. “Don’t laugh at me,” he sighed. “This is not easy.”
“I didn’t know you were gay,” Carisi said that first morning, as they lounged in the bed enjoying the early morning sunshine. He was sitting up, back leaned against Rafael’s headboard.
Rafael lay on his stomach, hair rumpled, a pillow tucked under his chin, and arms wrapped around it. Carisi was slowly tracing fingers up and down his spine so soothingly that he was fighting against the pull to doze off once again. “I’m not,” he said drowsily. “ …exactly . I’m bisexual.” He turned his head slightly. “I guess you could say I like who I like.”
The detective nodded. “Same, for the record. I just didn’t get any of that from you.”
He rolled over and captured Sonny’s hand, resting the palm on his chest. “It’s not easy for me to talk about how I’m feeling sometimes.” He offered Sonny a wry smile. “When you’re a brainy Cuban kid growing up in the Bronx, you have enough stacked against you without adding to it the fact that you are just as attracted to other boys as girls. Besides…” He trailed off, hesitating.
“Besides?” Sonny moved his hand and stretched out next to him.
Rafael closed his eyes, tensing slightly. “My father was not an accepting man. Talking about how I felt about anything was… discouraged.” Discouraged was a mild way to describe the abuse he had endured. “Even now, I have a difficult time sometimes expressing how I feel.”
Carisi had studied him with soft, intense blue eyes for a log minute. “Well, Counselor,” and he had leaned over to kiss him gently. “You are always safe to tell me how you feel.”
“Look, Barba,” Carisi stepped closer to him. “Like you said, we haven’t defined anything, but for what it’s worth I’m not seeing anyone else.” He glanced quickly around to make sure no one was watching, then reached out to take Barba’s hand. “And I don’t want to see anyone else.”
Rafael closed his eyes and exhaled, cheeks flushing crimson. “Carisi—”
“I promise you, I will be fine. And hopefully in a few days, this will all be over.”
Rafael looked up and into Carisi’s ice-blue eyes. “Okay,” he said, softly. “Okay. Just—just be careful. I don’t want to hear again that someone has taken a baseball bat to you.”
“I’ll do my best, Barba.” Carisi paused long enough to press a searing kiss to Barba’s lips before turning to leave.
“Sonny,” Barba said, and Sonny turned back to look at him. “You have been naked and in my bed on many occasions.” A small smile twitched at his lips. “I think we’re well past the point that you can call me Rafael.”
The detective grinned widely. “See you soon, Rafael.”
***
Rafael sat alone in his apartment reviewing court motions as Nat King Cole played in the background. He was dressed casually in a soft t-shirt and lounge pants, his feet bare. Snickering, he took a sip of scotch and shook his head. “He’s an idiot if he thinks this will fly,” he muttered to himself.
He glanced up when the buzzer from building security sounded. Grumbling to himself, he stood up and padded to the intercom. “Yes?”
“Mr. Barba,” the evening guard said, “there’s a Dominick Carisi here to see you.”
Relief and pleasure flooded through him. “Yes, send him up. Please.”
Sonny. He was there, which meant he was not at the halfway house. He was not immersed in the world of sexual predators and abusers. He was safe.
Rafael stood by the door, feeling like a giddy schoolboy waiting for a date. “You’re being ridiculous, Rafael,” he muttered to himself.
But when the knock sounded on the door, he practically thew it open.
Sonny stood there, palms resting against the doorframe and a grin on his face. “We got him.”
“Gracias a Dios,” Barba sighed. “So you’re done?”
“It’s over.” The detective paused and glanced around. “You gonna let me in?”
“Yes, yes, sorry.” Rafael stepped aside and let Sonny pass, closing the door behind him. The door had barely closed as his back was pressed against it, Sonny’s lips firmly planted on his own.
The attorney moaned softly and melted into Sonny’s embrace. His pulse raced when he felt Sonny ease one leg between his to grind their hips together. Sonny had just slid a hand up under Rafael’s shirt when Barba’s phone rang across the room.
Sonny closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to Rafael’s. “Son of a—can you ignore it?”
“Maybe,” he managed. Reluctantly, he extracted himself from Sonny’s embrace, stumbled across the room, picked up the phone, and groaned. “It’s Benson.” He took a deep, calming breath. “Barba.”
“Rafa, we got him.”
“I hea— Oh, you did? That’s, ah—” He swatted Sonny away as the detective came up behind him and began nibbling on his neck. “That’s great, Liv. He’ll – ah – he’ll need to be arraigned to-tomorrow?”
“Yeah, I’ll send you the evidence now.” She paused. “Barba, are you okay?”
“Ye-yes,” he replied. “I’m fine, why?” He turned from the phone and mouthed an emphatic stop, rolling his eyes at Sonny’s responding chuckle.
“You sound a little… off.”
“I’m fine.” He was pleased that he finally managed an entire sentence without stammering. “Just at home. Relaxing.”
He distinctly heard her chuckle. “Barba, do you have…company?”
Rafael yelped when Sonny’s hand crept down the back of his pants and cupped his backside. “As a matter of fact… ye-yes.”
“Right.”
He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, cheeks flaming even as Sonny moved closer and slid his hands up and under his shirt, his palms running over Barba’s chest.
“Go enjoy your evening, Rafa,” Olivia chuckled, her amusement ringing over the line. “I’ll see you in the morning at the courthouse.”
“See you, Liv,” he managed, and clicked off the phone. He turned in Sonny’s arms and shook his head at the detective, amusement pulling at the corners of his lips. “I’ll have you know, your boss is now fully aware I’m not alone tonight.”
Sonny laughed as he fastened his mouth on Rafael’s again as he slid off his suit jacket. “She’s probably happy for you.”
“You’re an ass, Carisi,” Barba retorted. He slid his arms around Sonny’s waist in an embrace. “I’m glad you’re out of the halfway house.”
He didn’t miss Sonny’s wince. “Not my most favorite undercover assignment, but I pulled it off.” Sonny gently took his hand and moved it away from his right side. “Easy,” he said. “I’m still bruised.”
Rafael leaned up and kissed him gently. “How does a nice soak in a hot tub sound?”
The detective pretended to consider it. “Are you joining me?”
He fought a grin. “I can probably be convinced.”
Rafael started to turn down the hall towards the bathroom, but Sonny grabbed his wrist. “I was thinking about what you said,” he began. “About how we haven’t defined what we’re doing or anything like that.” He tugged Rafael back towards him. “Rafael, I don’t want to see anyone else. Since even before that night you helped me study and brought me back here, it’s only been you.”
“That long?” Barba asked, eyebrows lifting in surprise.
“That long. For me, this is it.” He coughed and looked down. “I don’t know how you feel, but that’s where I stand.”
Rafael hooked a finger under his chin and lifted his face. “I think the fact that I made an idiot of myself chasing you down at the office over your ribs is a good indication of how I feel, Dominick.” He smiled, softly. “The only one I plan to soak in a hot tub with is you.”
Sonny sobered. “This won’t be my last UC assignment,” he warned. “It probably won’t be the last time I come home with bruises.”
“I know.” He gently took Sonny’s hands. “I know what I’m signing up for. And I’ll be here. Waiting. With a hot tub.” He smirked. “And scotch.”
“Why don’t you show me that tub, then?” Carisi said, and with a grin followed him down the hall.