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It wasn’t that Foggy didn’t want to believe Matt when he said that he’d wanted to tell Foggy the truth. Hell, it was easier to believe that Matt was being honest and Foggy wasn’t sure if that was because he’d always assumed that Matt had been being honest with him or if it was because a small part of him was terrified of hearing what else Matt had been lying about.
Foggy wanted to believe that Matt’s silence, that his lies, had been born from the need to protect Foggy and not because Matt hadn’t trusted him enough but it was fucking hard and that wasn’t exactly Matt’s fault.
Foggy was used to never being enough for people. He hadn’t been cute enough for girls to want to date him. He hadn’t been buff enough or interesting enough to catch anyone’s attention when he finally admitted to himself that he spent as much time looking at guys as he did girls and finally went to a gay club. He’d never been the kid who got invited to birthday parties or the adult who got people’s numbers just by existing.
He’d spent most of the first days after meeting Matt convinced that Matt would figure out how absolutely uncool Foggy was and decide to book it, then he’d convinced himself that the only reason why Matt stuck around was because he was blind and he couldn’t actually see Foggy in all his uncool glory.
It had taken him years to accept Matt’s interest at face value and then all of that had come crashing down around his ears.
But he’d promised Matt that they could try and move forward and Foggy did try.
He pasted on a smile whenever Matt was focused on him because he wasn’t sure exactly how much Matt could pick up on and he’d rather be safe than sorry.
He went out for drinks with Matt and Karen. He laughed with them and cried with them and then he went home to his own apartment despite the fact that he’d let them both believe that he was still seeing Marci.
It was easier this way. He didn’t have to see Karen’s tentative attempts at flirting with Matt. He didn’t have to wonder how soon it would be before Matt stopped needing Foggy around because honestly Foggy had always known it was just a matter of time.
Matt had told Claire after all…a complete fucking stranger had known what his best friend was doing before he did and he’d heard Matt’s explanations countless times. He understood that Matt hadn’t exactly told Claire, so much as she’d found out after she’d dug him out of a dumpster but it still didn’t stop that little voice in the back of Foggy’s head that whispered that Matt hadn’t had to tell her about anything else but he had. He just hadn’t seen the need to tell Foggy.
Pressing his hands to his face Foggy exhaled slowly, gritting his teeth against the cold feeling seeping through his chest.
Inhaling just as slowly Foggy held it for a beat before exhaling again because he wasn’t going to have a fucking panic attack over Matt Murdock.
He’d done enough of that after he’d slipped up and called Matt hot.
It had taken his mother two days on the phone to keep Foggy from calling it quits and just coming home after that screw up but thankfully Matt hadn’t been around much so Foggy had been certain that Matt hadn’t known about it.
Now, he wasn’t so sure.
Keeping his breathing steady, Foggy ignored the wetness soaking into his hair and the way that his hands were trembling.
He didn’t know why it was getting worse, before finding out about Matt being the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen, Foggy had been fine. He’d stomped all over the lingering feelings he’d had for Matt because Matt was straight and Foggy had been content just being Matt’s best friend because that was as close as being family and he’d been willing to have that over nothing at all.
He didn’t even know if he could call himself Matt’s best friend anymore and the thought sent him lurching from his bed and stumbling towards his bathroom.
His mother had told him once that ‘love hurt’…Foggy just hadn’t known how much until now.
*O*
Foggy had thought that it would get better after a few weeks but it hadn’t.
His smiles felt more and more faked, it was harder to not just snap at Matt and Karen when they tried to include him in their inside jokes and Foggy knew that that wasn’t fair because it wasn’t their fault that he’d been stupid enough to fall completely in love with someone who would never be his.
He spent most of his time hiding in his office and ignoring Matt’s concerned questions.
Their business flourished under his new work ethic but everything else felt like it was falling apart and Foggy found it hard to breathe past the ache in his chest but he did. He went to work and he won cases and he absolutely didn’t break down no matter how much he wanted to because there were people depending on him and he’d promised himself that he wouldn’t let anyone else down…not again.
Gritting his teeth as he stared down at his shaking hands, Foggy blinked past the blurriness of his vision as Matt and Karen joked about something or another. Foggy wasn’t sure what the hell they were talking about because he hadn’t been paying attention…he’d stopped paying attention to anything but just breathing almost an hour ago, which was really bad.
“So are we still on for tonight?” Karen’s voice was light and hopeful and Foggy almost snorted because someone needed to be hopeful especially with the gloom that he was probably radiating from his pores.
“Sure, I mean we’re still on right, Foggy?” Matt inquired and Foggy raised his head.
He could feel a frown creasing his forehead as he glanced at them. “What?”
“We’re going out for drinks tonight, remember?” Karen prompted but Foggy just shook his head.
“No…I, I don’t remember anything about drinks,” he admitted, flickering through his memory. Had he forgotten? Or maybe he just hadn’t heard?
“Oh shit,” Karen muttered with a rueful grin, “I think we organized it that night when we…”
“…got completely drunk and started making plans to take over the world?” Matt added and Karen snorted.
“Yeah, then,” she agreed and Foggy stared at his hands…they weren’t shaking, that had to be good right?
Matt was allowed to have friends who he shared things with, friends that weren’t Foggy, friends that he might date. It wasn’t any of Foggy’s business.
“Foggy?”
Matt’s voice was concerned now and Foggy could feel his lips stretching into that fake smile even as he gathered his things together because he didn’t need Matt’s super sense to know that his heart was going haywire in his chest.
“It’s cool…I can’t, I mean I’ve got something important that I need to sort out,” he told them as he stood up.
“Do you need my he…”
“No!” Foggy snapped, cutting Matt off and Karen’s eyes were wide as he finally let himself glance at them. “No, it’s fine, I just need to do this,” he finished and then he fled.
*O*
Foggy didn’t know what the hell he was doing but that didn’t keep him from emailing Matt and Karen and informing them that he’d be taking a few weeks off and that they could forward any work they needed doing to his email address.
His plans didn’t get any clearer as he packed a suitcase.
It wasn’t until he was knocking on his parents’ door that Foggy even knew where he’d been going.
His mother took one look at his face and her own expression crumpled like a deck of cards. His dad had always said that he got his empathy from his mother and Foggy was just starting to believe it.
“Oh, Franky,” she whispered and Foggy collapsed into her embrace like his strings had been cut, inhaling the scent that always clung to her that had made him feel as safe and wanted as Matt’s voice had used to.
Foggy didn’t even realize that he was crying until his mom started wiping at his face with her free hand as she combed the other through his hair.
“Come on, let’s get you inside. Some chamomile tea and some sleep, then you can tell me all about it, alright?” she murmured and Foggy nodded, allowing her to lead him into the house.
He drank his tea in a daze, only partially aware of his mom as she bustled around him and the next thing he knew she was leading him into his old room then Foggy was falling asleep easier than he had in weeks.
A part of him wondered if Matt was worried about him…another part of him wanted to know why the hell he cared.
*O*
Foggy stumbled out of his room a few hours later and immediately wanted to turn right the hell around when he caught sight of both his dad and his mom waiting for him on the sofa, their expressions solemn.
On the surface his mom and dad were normal people, normal, smiley, honest people but honestly as far as Foggy was concerned there wasn’t a damn thing normal about Carol and Liam Nelson…the fact they’d produced Foggy and his sisters was proof enough.
They looked the part but underneath all the smiles and polite humour flowed the blood of sharks…fucking great white sharks. They could scent blood or fear from ten feet away and Foggy had been stupid enough to swim into their territory when he was pretty much bleeding out.
“No use in running now,” his dad commented lightly and Foggy pursed his lips before collapsing onto the chair across from them.
“Do you want to tell us what all of this is about?” Foggy’s mom tried and Foggy shook his head. “Right, let me rephrase that. Tell me what all of this is about,” she muttered and Foggy sighed as he picked at the cushions because he’d never been good at lying to his family.
“I think I’m in love,” he responded finally.
There was dead silence for a moment before his mother rose to her feet.
“Where are you going?” Foggy gaped after her.
“For more alcohol, I’ve got a feeling we’re going to need it,” she called back.
“Seriously? Me being in love requires alcohol consumption?” Foggy spluttered.
“The last time you thought you were in love you decided to start a cult,” Foggy’s dad pointed out, ever so helpfully.
“It wasn’t a cult and I was ten!” Foggy retorted.
“You tried to bring your cat back to life because you thought it was a prince,” his father retorted and Foggy subsided with a glower because okay that actually happened but only because he’d been reading Pet Sematary and the Frog Prince.
“It wasn’t even a cult,” Foggy muttered.
“There were ten kids!” his mom called back and Foggy pursed his lips.
“Maybe you should bring two bottles?” he conceded, ignoring the smirk on his father’s face.
*O*
“He didn’ even trush me,” Foggy slurred, staring at his dad through bleary eyes.
“Are we still talking about Matt?” his mom sighed and Foggy could see his dad nodding…or maybe that was the room nodding, Foggy wasn’t really certain.
“How about you give me one of those bottles, huh, Champ?” his dad coaxed but Foggy clutched the bottles tighter because the bottles were his friends. They didn’t lie to him or flirt with other people while he was in the room and they sure as hell didn’t pretend that they didn’t know that he’d been in love with them since the moment he’d laid eyes on them. His bottles were loyal and he was going to marry them and have pretty bottle babies.
He wasn’t completely sure how that was going to work out but true love conquered all…except death and taxes because death and taxes were way stronger than true love and Oh God, what if his bottles ran off with death and taxes because they were better than he was?
“Nobody’s running off with death and taxes,” his mom cut in and Foggy squinted at her because when had his mom started reading minds?
“About the same time you decided to give us a running commentary,” his dad muttered.
Foggy just glowered at him. He’d seen the way his dad had been looking at his bottles
Foggy’s mom slid into his line of vision and then his bottles were gone but Foggy wasn’t certain why or where they’d gone and he could feel himself tearing up because even his bottles were leaving him now but before he could really start bemoaning his fate his mom wrapped her hands around his and Foggy got distracted by the prettiness of her smile.
“Okay, seeing as your father is crap at this…” she started ignoring the loud protests from his dad. “…let’s start this over. Who’s broken your heart and where do I need to go to get someone to off them?” she inquired softly like threatening to have someone assassinated was normal. Foggy was too distracted by the hint of her Irish brogue that was slipping into her voice to call her on it.
“ ‘s not like he was mine to start wif,” he murmured as he buried his face in her shoulder because if he wasn’t looking at her face he wouldn’t see the pity there. “He’s straight,” he added and she tutted.
“So why the hell have we been talking about Matt for the last three hours?” his dad queried loudly and Foggy flapped a hand in his direction.
“ ‘cause he’s straight!” he repeated because why was his dad so dumb?
“Franklin, are you trying to tell us that you’re in love with Matt?” his mom asked and Foggy nodded without removing his face from her clothes. “And you think he’s straight?” she inquired and Foggy nodded again because finally someone was getting it.
“Straight as a circle,” his dad snorted.
Foggy lifted his head just enough to glower at the man because his life wasn’t a laughing matter.
“Franky,” his mom called, drawing his attention back to her. “Matthew isn’t straight,”
“Is too,” Foggy shot back with a frown.
“He’s really not,” his mom responded. “He even said so,” she tacked on and Foggy gaped at her before lurching to his feet, ignoring the voices calling him back until he got to his room and slammed the door shut.
*O*
The next morning dawned like a horror story and Foggy groaned as he tugged the sheets up over his head. It tasted like something had died in his mouth and everywhere hurt.
Patting the sheets Foggy groaned as he touched his phone before squinting at the screen.
There were seventeen missed calls and three voicemails and suddenly Foggy felt sick and he was sure that had nothing to do with the alcohol he’d ingested.
He remembered yelling at someone on the phone and he remembered crying, everything after that was a bit of a blur and this was exactly why he didn’t drink. He wasn’t a happy drunk. He was the type of drunk who started drama at two in the morning and then forgot about it until his exes called him up to give him a piece of their mind and he was pretty sure that he knew who he’d called.
Accessing his voicemail took a while and Foggy switched to the speaker before turning the volume down as he played the first message.
“Foggy, would you answer the phone? Just so I can know you’re alright, please? I’m really worried.”
Foggy exhaled in the silence that followed the sound of Matt’s voice before he selected the second message.
“I thought you knew, I thought that was why you used to flirt with me. It wasn’t some big secret that I kept you out of. I would’ve told you if I’d known you wanted to know…I…just answer the phone, okay?”
Foggy’s fingers shook as he selected the last number.
“Foggy, this is stupid, you can’t just leave, you promised that we’d work through this. If it’s me, I’ll give you some space. I’ll tell you anything you need to know just answer the fucking phone so that I know that you’re not dead in a ditch or something…please, Foggy.”
Foggy clenched his eyes shut as he curled his fingers around his phone because no matter how mad he was at Matt and the whole situation Foggy couldn’t just leave him hanging.
Selecting Matt’s number, he waited…Matt picked up on the second ring.
“Foggy?” he whispered and Foggy blinked away the tears in his eyes because Matt sounded…well he sounded like Matt and that was enough to break Foggy’s heart again.
“I emailed you,” Foggy offered up in lieu of a greeting and Matt was silent for a long moment.
“Are you coming back?” he finally asked and Foggy pushed the sheets away as he glanced around his old room, taking in the posters on the walls and the electric shade of purple that he’d thought was so cool when he put it up. He focused on everything but the fear in Matt’s voice.
“I think so…but not now,” he responded.
“It’s me, isn’t it? I did something?” Matt queried and Foggy chuckled, a wet, weak sound in the silence of his room and the second that it hit the air he wanted to take it back. “If this is about me being bi, I didn’t think it’d bother you. I knew you were attracted to me but you’re attracted to lots of people…people like Marci and you got over it.”
“You think that’s what’s bothering me?!” Foggy snapped and Matt sucked in a sharp breath and fuck Matt for making Foggy feel like crap for being angry at him. “I just…I need some time away, okay? Just give me that much.”
“Time away from me?” Matt asked and Foggy pressed a hand to his face.
“You remember when we were talking about how you couldn’t love someone who you couldn’t trust?” Foggy prompted.
“After you started watching those Spanish Soap Operas and making me translate?” Matt responded and Foggy grinned even though Matt couldn’t see him or maybe it was because Matt couldn’t see him.
“Yeah, you said that people couldn’t,” he reminded.
“I remember,” Matt replied, his voice soft and wary.
“I guess you were wrong, Matty,” Foggy whispered and he ended the call before Matt could respond, switching the phone off and shoving it beneath his pillow.
“You were so wrong,” he repeated to himself and there wasn’t anyone to tell him otherwise.
*O*
Foggy stumbled from his room after two more attempts at sleep, neither of which were very successful and he wasn’t surprised because he was pretty sure that he’d just wrecked one of the only real friendships he’d ever had.
His dad was nowhere to be seen but his mom was humming to herself as she cooked and Foggy smiled at her when she caught sight of him.
“How are you feeling?” she queried softly and Foggy shrugged as he rested his head on his hands.
“Like I’ve just ruined my entire life in a few words,” he responded honestly because lying to his mom wasn’t something that he did.
“Would that be why I had to talk Matt out of shutting your office and coming up here?” she inquired and Foggy’s head snapped up so fast he was pretty sure that he’d given himself whiplash. The sheer terror on his face made his mother sigh. “You two are the reasons why I have grey hairs,” she muttered as she filled the kettle and put it on the stove. “You can get that look off your face; I talked him out of it.”
“What did you say?” Foggy demanded and his mother’s lips quirked up into a smirk.
“That if he broke your heart I’d hunt him down and…well I left the rest up to his imagination,” she beamed and Foggy buried his face in his hands.
“Mom, you didn’t,” he hissed but she just shrugged.
“Apparently there wasn’t much I needed to say to let that cat out of the bag. According to Matt you handled that one all by yourself,” she observed.
Foggy swallowed as he slid his hands away so that he could meet her eyes. “Did he sound angry?” he whispered and his mom sighed again before stepping closer so that she could brush his hair out of his face.
“He sounded scared and sorry but most of all he sounded miserable,” she responded.
“He’s probably thinking about how much money it’s gonna take to buy me out,” Foggy muttered.
His mother grinned before slapping him upside the head, glowering at him when he yelped.
“Just because the two of you are going through a rough patch that doesn’t mean you get to badmouth each other,” she warned and Foggy pursed his lips.
“This isn’t a rough patch, this is the end of the road, this is the bridge is closed, don’t go any further,” he grumbled.
“That just means you have to work harder to fix it,” his mom replied. “I don’t know why you kids think love is easy…it really isn’t,” she added.
Foggy bit his tongue because the last thing he needed was to remind her that there was no way that Matt would think twice about falling in love with someone like him.
*O*
Foggy held out for three days. Three days of not switching on his phone. Three days of not reading any email that didn’t seem strictly work oriented.
He lasted three days with his parents tiptoeing around him and he missed Matt like an absent limb every second of those three days.
“Matt called again today,” his dad offered up as soon as Foggy left his room.
“Liam!” his mom hissed but his dad just waved her off.
“Don’t ‘Liam’ me, this is getting ridiculous!” he shot back before rounding on Foggy. “He called today just like he’s called every single day because that boy can’t seem to cope without you around.”
Foggy bit his lip and glanced away, “He’s probably just worried about what I’ll do now that my secret isn’t really a secret anymore.”
“He misses you, Franklin,” his mom whispered and Foggy ground his teeth together.
“Yeah, well, he’s got enough people to replace me with,” he huffed, ignoring the pitying look that his mother shot his way. “I’ll call him back, okay? I’ll tell him not to call…”
“That’s not what we want and you know it,” his dad cut in. “We’ve never seen you as happy as you were when you met Matt. Whatever’s going on between you…”
“I’m sorry did you not hear about me being stupidly in love with him while he let me think he was straight?” Foggy sighed, pressing his fingers against his temples where a headache was starting to build again.
“He said it was just a misunderstanding. He loves you,” his mother offered up and Foggy’s lips twisted into a bitter smile.
“The only misunderstanding here is Matt not knowing the difference between love and pity and I’m not going to be the one to teach him,” he whispered.
*O*
Foggy didn’t wait for Matt to say a word when he answered the call. “I told you I needed time, Matt. That doesn’t mean calling my parents instead.”
“You told me you loved me and I’m supposed to what, just leave it alone?” Matt shot back and Foggy grimaced.
“Look it’s just a thing I’m working through, alright? I shouldn’t even have told you about it. I was drunk and my mom had just told me you were bisexual. It doesn’t matter.”
“Like hell it doesn’t, Foggy! You can’t just say that and just…you can’t expect me to ignore it,” Matt growled.
“You ignored it for six years, what’s the difference now?!” Foggy snapped and Matt went silent. Foggy could almost hear Matt’s brain working and he was terrified of what the other man was going to come up with. “Look, I’m working on it, okay? I got used to being the person that you shared all your secrets with and knowing that I wasn’t even worth that much, it’s sort of shaken my foundations. I just need to get my feet back under…”
“You thought I knew,” Matt whispered and Foggy frowned.
“What?” he spluttered.
“You thought I knew you were in love with me,” Matt expanded and Foggy was tempted to throw his phone out the window and throw himself after it.
“That isn’t…I mean, look that doesn’t matter, okay? All I need is some time away,” Foggy tacked on quickly, trying to get the conversation back on topic.
“Was that why you snapped at Karen?” Matt asked.
“I didn’t fucking snap at…Matt, are you listening to me? I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that you were lying to me, none of this has anything to do with whether or not I’m attracted to you!” Foggy snapped.
“And you hate when I talk about Claire. I thought you were jealous at first but that’s not why your heart is always racing when I mention her, is it?” Matt demanded.
“Seriously? Are you even listening to me anymore? Are we even having the same conversation?”
“I’m coming up there,” Matt informed him and Foggy froze.
“No you’re not. Matt, if you even think of…Matt? Matt? You son of a bitch!” Foggy hissed as he tossed the dead phone onto his bed and buried his face in his hands.
He was screwed, he was so fucking screwed!
*O*
“Why do we have to be out of the house again?” his mother asked as Foggy bundled their stuff up.
“Because that way you won’t be accessories to murder,” Foggy hissed as he shoved his dad out onto the porch.
“Tell Matt I said ‘hi’!” his dad called back and Foggy swallowed down the hysterical laughter clawing at his throat as he slammed the door and leaned against it.
*O*
Foggy wasn’t even surprised when Matt opened the door because of course Matt had a key, of course he did. To be honest, it was probably Foggy’s key because he had no clue where it was, but that was neither here nor there.
“No, no, we don’t do this, okay? When I say I need space I don’t mean hunt me down. I’m not one of your criminals! You don’t get to do this anymore, Matt, you can’t just take over every part of my life and not return the favour,” Foggy hissed as soon as Matt shut the door
“I fell in love with your smell first,” Matt whispered and everything seemed to stop as Foggy gaped at him but Matt just leaned his cane against the door and took a step closer.
“I didn’t think it was possible to do that but I did because you weren’t wearing any cologne. It was just sweat and salt but under all of that you smelled like vanilla and the first thing I thought was ‘I could spend forever with that scent and never get tired of it’.”
Foggy took a step back because this wasn’t happening…it wasn’t real.
“Then you spoke and you didn’t pity me, you were curious but you never overstepped my boundaries and you didn’t make me feel like anything but a guy…a really hot guy,” Matt continued and his smile was a small, bitter thing that had Foggy clenching his teeth to keep back the tears beading at the corners of his eyes. “I could lie and say that your voice was what I noticed next but it wasn’t…it was your heartbeat…”
“Matt…” Foggy warned but Matt just shook his head as he took a step closer.
“You’d just called a complete stranger hot and you were probably freaking out but your heart didn’t sound like thunder, not like it should’ve. It sounded like a butterfly’s wings and I wanted to press my hands against your chest to see if I could feel it as well as I could hear it,” Matt continued and Foggy turned away because he couldn’t do this.
“And then you got to know me and your heartbeat changed, it grew solid like the ticking of a clock and it helped me sleep every night…even when you weren’t in our room,” Matt whispered. “I wanted to tell you but how could I when I’d be giving so much up? Because your heart never went crazy around me anymore so my blindness and our friendship were the only reasons why you still touched me all the time and I told myself that I was fine with that. I loved that you led me places and told me what was happening because it felt like I was a part of your world and when I went after that guy…I didn’t want you to know, Foggy. I didn’t want you to think that I was anything less than what you’d built me up to be…I just wanted to be enough for you because it…it was all I had.”
The break in Matt’s voice had Foggy pressing his hands to his chest where it felt like a hole had opened up around his heart but he still couldn’t make himself look at Matt.
“I’m not a good person. Yes, I help people but that’s not everything. I like hurting people…the bad guys? I liked making them bleed, it wasn’t just about justice, it’s in my blood and I couldn’t…I never thought that I had a chance with you but I was certain that even if I did that you deserved someone better than that. Someone who could touch you and not leave a taint behind because that’s what I’d do…”
“And I don’t get to decide?” Foggy demanded, turning around finally and it took all his self-control to stay where he was when he saw the tears on Matt’s face.
“Don’t I get to choose?” Foggy demanded, watching as Matt shook his head. “I felt like you didn’t need me anymore, like you were replacing me with Karen and Claire and I’m used to being second best for everyone else but never for you…”
“You weren’t,” Matt insisted, taking another step forward. “You were never second best, don’t ever say that!”
Foggy swiped at his cheeks, wiping away the tears wetting his skin. “You’re an idiot, you know that?” he muttered and Matt snorted.
“Yeah?” he whispered and Foggy didn’t even pretend to not hear the hope in that single word.
“You’re a huge idiot and I’m still pissed at you,” he muttered and Matt nodded even as he stepped closer, his lips quirking up into a tiny smile. “And you’re going to explain to my mother why I cried my eyes out and drank all of her chamomile tea because I thought you didn’t need me around anymore.”
Matt reached out towards him before he paused like he wasn’t certain if he should but Foggy caught his fingers and stepped closer until he could bury his face in Matt’s shoulder.
“I’ll always need you around,” Matt murmured.
“My mom might challenge you for my honour,” Foggy whispered against Matt’s clothes as Matt wrapped his arms around him.
“I love you,” Matt whispered and Foggy squeezed his eyes shut to keep back the tears welling in them.
“Don’t think this is gonna get you out of explaining this to my parents,” Foggy choked out as Matt pressed a kiss against his hair.
“Do you have anything else you want to say to me?” Matt asked and Foggy snorted because Matt wasn’t getting off that easy.
“Do I really smell like vanilla?” he asked, grinning when Matt’s laughter rumbled through him.
“Love you too, Matty…but you’re still an idiot.”