Chapter Text
Growing up, Regulus didn’t know much about love. His home wasn’t exactly overflowing with admiration and benevolence. Love didn’t have a place in his family or his home.
There was of course his older brother Sirius. He had always looked up to Sirius. He had been the bright star of his life – his protector, his secret keeper, his confidant.
But then Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor and Regulus in Slytherin, and home life got worse, and Sirius was so far away… further and further away… and then he was completely gone. He had left a note. Regulus said, he never read it, he burned it right away. In reality, he had kept it under his pillow, until he had memorized the words.
“If you ever need me, come to me. If you ever want to leave too, come to me. I love you – Sirius.”
And then home got worse.
And thus, Regulus realized the only love he ever had, his brotherly love, was gone.
And if losing this kind of love hurt as much as it did, then how bad would romantic love be? Because the pain of Sirius leaving, the sight of his empty seat, the sight of his smile at the Gryffindor table – it was like an anchor pulling Regulus deeper and deeper into a black ocean. He couldn’t come up and he couldn’t die.
And he thought he will never love anyone or anything again – no matter what kind of love.
His parents did not seem to love each other in any capacity – the only thing his mother loved was torture – so life like that was possible. It was his best outlook: Inherit the family fortune, get married to produce some heir.
So, this was the plan.
And then James Potter came along.
It started shortly after Sirius had left. Regulus was ignoring his brother at Hogwarts and Potter somehow thought, the next logical step would be for him to try to talk to him for Sirius.
The Slytherins were leaving the Quidditch pitch after their practice session. Regulus was taking his time and trailing behind the others. James was early for his own practice. Regulus left the changing rooms and practically ran into the Gryffindor.
“Whoa, slow down there, Black,” James laughed and held him by the shoulders.
Regulus automatically stepped back at the touch.
“Potter,” he said, it was meant as a greeting and goodbye at the same time. He tried to push past him, but James touched his arm.
“Regulus, wait a second. Please.”
Regulus stared at the hand on his arm and pushed him off.
“How is home?” James asked.
“How is that any of your business?”
“It is not, I guess.”
“Then why are you asking?”
“Sirius is worried… he would like to talk to you, but you keep brushing him off.”
“I think everything has been said. He left the family; he is thus not my concern anymore. And I’m neither his nor your concern.”
“You will always be his concern,” James said, “If you need anything, you can talk to him… or me, if you are this mad at him. Just know that you are not alone.”
Regulus looked at him calmy.
But I am alone. He thought but remained silent. He simply turned around and left.
Three weeks later, he was slow again after practice and ran into James again. The conversation went down in a similar fashion.
When he left quidditch practice the next week, James was waiting. He was almost an hour early for his own practice and Regulus did not believe in coincidence.
“I won’t tell you anything, just so can go and tell Sirius verbatim.”
“If you want to talk about something and you do not want me to tell him, I promise not to.”
“Yeah, right,” Regulus scoffed.
“Really,” he said sincerely, “If you need anyone… I can be a friend you can talk to.”
“I have friends of my own.”
“Yes, but they’re Slytherins,” he said dismissively.
Regulus raised his eyebrows, “So am I.”
“No – yes – I just meant – You’re Sirius’ Brother. And I know what your family is like and maybe that’s normal in Slytherin circles but it’s not here, so I don’t think they would understand – but I do, and you can talk to me, that’s what I was trying to… say,” he bit his lip embarrassed, “Sorry.”
Regulus just turned around and left.
James was there every week. No matter if Regulus ignored him or at some point even tried to hex him.
Summer came.
The day before Regulus would have to drive back home without Sirius again, he decided to sit outside. He had a favourite tree close to the lake with a pleasant view of the castle. He would truly miss Hogwarts this summer, more so than usual.
He had a book with him and was reading in the cooling shadow of the tree until his tranquillity was disturbed by loud barking and the laughter of teenage boys.
James Potter, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew were throwing a ball around while a large, black dog was running back and forth between them, trying to steal the ball. It seemed somewhat unfair to the dog.
Where the hell did that dog come from? He thought and shook his head, he didn’t even want to know what that group of absolute madmen was up to.
After about an hour of this, Remus and Peter left, and the dog came running over to him. Regulus looked at the animal. He never had a particular heart for dogs.
“Go away,” he said to it and kept reading. The dog came to him and nudged against his arm.
“I said, go away,” Regulus repeated but to no avail.
“Oi, Padfoot!” James called and jogged over to them, “Come on, go run some laps around the lake or something, leave him alone.”
The dog looked at him and seemed to whine. James shook his head.
“Go, come on.”
Another silent conversation seemed to pass between James and the dog and then the dog left, letting his head hang lowly. Regulus watched the scene with scientific interest.
Peculiar. He thought and made a mental note of this ordeal.
James let himself fall down next to Regulus.
“Hey, Reggie.”
“Don’t call me that.”
James smiled brightly at him. He had a very warm smile. The kind that drew lines on his entire face. Regulus kind of liked it.
“How are you?”
“Right now? Kind of annoyed. Where is that dog coming from?”
“That old furball?” he smirked – now, the smirk was a different story altogether. A cocky, arrogant little thing that made him look a little older and like those famous wizards in the magazines – “He must live somewhere near the grounds, I don’t know. Hogsmeade, probably. He sometimes comes here, and we play with him.”
“He’s not well trained.”
“Yeah, I know, he’s a bloody nightmare sometimes, but what can I say, we all got a little soft spot for him. No idea why,” James said and then laughed into himself, as if there was a particular inside joke, Regulus didn’t get.
“I just wanted to say, the game the other day –“
“The one where we beat you?” Regulus asked smugly.
“Yeah, thanks for rubbing it in.”
Now Regulus was the one who was smirking.
“You were great,” James said, “Truly amazing.”
“Well, I won the match for Slytherin so, yes I knew that already.”
James laughed openly.
“You know, sometimes it’s hard to believe that you and Sirius are brother and then you say stuff like that and it’s like you’re the same person.”
Regulus blinked once and then looked back at his book.
“Sorry, I know you don’t want to talk about him. So, how are you?”
Regulus shrugged, “Same as always.”
“You sure? You’re going home, that has to stir up some kind of feelings in you.”
“No, I’m made of ice,” he said nonchalantly.
James smiled and Regulus smiled too.
“I’m fine,” he said and scratched his arm, “It’s going to be fine.”
“You know, you can owl me over the summer. I can get you out of there any time. If you just want to talk, then we can do that. You can owl me about anything, really. Even just to tell me that you don’t miss my stupid face and do not think about your stupid brother.”
The dog came back now and looked from James to Regulus expectantly.
“Well, I gotta go. Have a safe summer, Reggie.”
Regulus nodded, “Bye, Potter.”
The summer was bad.
On the worst evening of it, he sent an owl to James
I do not miss your stupid face and I do not think about my stupid brother – RAB
And the next evening he got a letter back.
I do miss yours. Glad to know you are okay. Sirius is talking about you at least once a day, he is worried. See you soon at School. – J
Regulus kept it under his pillow with the note from Sirius.
It fully hit Regulus at the beginning of the new year.
He saw James in the great hall, sitting opposite Sirius and Remus, the two were sitting closer than usual, Regulus noted. James was telling them a story, using all of his limbs to bring his point across and then throwing his head back in laughter.
Regulus was unable to look away. It was mesmerizing.
Then James spotted him between his friends’ heads, looked directly at him and smiled shortly before he was distracted by Peter.
Regulus swallowed thickly. When did James become this attractive?
Fuck.
James picked up his habit of meeting him after his quidditch practice again, even though Gryffindor did not practice after him this time. James did not even try to make up an excuse.
Every week, James walked Regulus back to the castle and asked about his classes and his friends and how he was doing.
Sure, Regulus had his own friends, and yes, every once in a while, they would talk about how they were doing. But it was different. So very, very different.
James’ smile and his laugh immobilised him. Watching him play quidditch, paralysed him. He caught himself thinking about James' stupid face and stupid hair all the time, for no reason at all. Worse – he caught himself laughing at James’ stupid jokes, even when they weren’t funny at all. He also caught himself wanting to talk to him. He wanted to tell him about his day and his classes and how Barty thought Mars and the moon were the same thing.
He was lucky, that his friends weren’t the most perceptive people, otherwise, he would have had to explain, why he was always late when he came from Quidditch practice, he would have to explain, why he was always staring over to the Gryffindor table and why he was smiling so much all the time.
Until winter he saw James and his friends and sometimes the dog running around outside a lot and James would always come over to him for a while and talk and make him laugh.
The dog was often there and stared at him or looked from James to him and seemed to expect something. Regulus had a theory about that.
At the end of November, he went to the library and looked through a book that dealt with Animagi, among other things. He read a few pages, put it back and walked over to the potions books – he did have to study actually. His dog of a brother be damned.
While he was moving through the bookshelves though, he stumbled upon said brother and his friends. These four near potions books, which dealt with explosions, probably were no good idea. Sirius quietly pointed at something in the book, showing it to Remus, who grinned and put his arm around his shoulders, Sirius leaned his head against him.
This was Romantic Love, Regulus supposed.
If mother knew that he’s dating a bloke. He thought and sighed audibly.
The four looked up simultaneously. Sometimes, a library could be too quiet after all.
“Hey, Reggie,” James grinned, “What are you doing here?”
“Studying. That’s what the library is for,” he said and eyed the bookshelf next to him, acting like he was looking for a specific book, knowing fully well, the one he needed was one shelf over.
“Hey Reggie,” Sirius said, “How are you?”
Regulus ignored him.
“What are you doing in Potions right now? Maybe I can help you, already did your year, after all.”
Regulus ignored him further and pulled a random book out of the shelf, just to busy his hands.
“Yeah, I get it, I’m shit at potions anyways,” Sirius sighed.
“Come, leave him alone if he doesn’t want to talk,” James said quietly.
“Come Padfoot, let’s go back to the dorm,” Remus said softly, and Regulus almost felt sorry for his brother.
In leaving, James placed his hand on Regulus’ shoulder for a short moment.
Speaking of fancying blokes. Regulus sighed exhaustedly at his own thoughts.
He wasn’t sure when he gave up on his plan to never allow any kind of love in his life again, but James Potter came in and with every bone-crushing smile and immobilising laugh and with every question for his wellbeing, he made Regulus fall for him.
It was the beginning of December. Regulus came back from his quidditch practice and as always James was waiting for him. It was bloody cold outside, and Regulus was freezing.
“Are you cold?” James asked when Regulus shivered on the way back to the castle.
“Yes,” he mumbled.
“Do you want my sweater?”
Regulus looked up at him, not sure whether he heard this correctly.
“What?”
“Do you want my sweater? I’m always warm anyways. And Slytherin can’t have their Star-Seeker freeze his hands off, you would never win any quidditch match ever again in the history of Hogwarts.”
Bevor Regulus could answer, James already pulled off his Gryffindor jumper and pushed it over Regulus' head. Quite overwhelmed, Regulus put the jumper on and pulled it in place.
“It looks good on you. Better than on me,” James said with an honest smile.
“If my mother saw me wearing red and gold, she would have a heart attack.”
“Maybe you should keep it over Christmas then,” James mused.
Regulus gave him a stern look, but then he had to smile too.
When they reached the castle, Regulus stopped and wanted to take the jumper off to give it back.
“Keep it,” James said, “The halls aren’t that much warmer. And the dungeon’s gotta be cold as shit.”
Regulus shook his head, “They’re quite nice, actually.”
“Still, keep it, I’ve got more,” he winked, “See you around then. I gotta head back to the library.”
James already turned around when Regulus called out to him.
“Just- one question,” Regulus said, and James turned fully around to him again and smiled.
“Yes?”
“Sirius and Lupin. They are a couple, right? Like, actually dating?”
James looked at him surprised, “Yes. How do you know? They try keeping it secret.”
“They are bad at it,” he said simply, “They are extremely obvious, always have been. My brother has been eyeing Lupin since his third year, I could see that from the other side of the hall.”
James stared at him stunned, then he started laughing.
“Damn, I knew since our fourth year, but third even… you’re probably right. So, what about it? Wait – you aren’t like… against it, right?”
Regulus shook his head, “I would not tell my mother though. I don’t know what she would do.”
James nodded, “But you’re fine with it.”
“Is he happy? With being in love and a bloke and all that?”
“Yes, yes very happy. The happiest I have seen him since… ever, really. Especially since you stopped talking to him, he’s still taking that pretty hart.”
Regulus nodded, “I know. I just… I’m not ready yet.”
James nodded; they have had this conversation plenty of times already.
“But… tell him, okay?”
“Tell him what?”
“That I don’t have problem with it.”
“Oh, alright I tell him. Should I also tell him, that you’re glad, he’s happy?”
“No. That’s too much.”
“But you are happy that he’s happy, right?”
“In this regard, yes. But I’m still not ready to talk to him yet.”
James nodded and smiled.
“I’ll tell him. I’ll see you on the pitch tomorrow, yeah? Slytherin against Gryffindor. It’s gonna be a hell of a match.”
Regulus nodded, “See you then.”
James grinned and left.
Regulus went to his dorm room. His friends, although generally unperceptive, noticed the Gryffindor house colours on him immediately.
“Halloween’s over, Reggie, why are you dressed up as an idiot?” Barty Crouch Jr asked laughing.
Regulus shook his head and pulled the jumper off. He folded it together and wanted to put it into his trunk, but Evan Rosier was quicker and pulled it out of his hands.
“You’ve gotta be kidding me, that’s bloody Potter’s jumper! It has his name and everything!” he showed the jumper off to the rest of the room.
“Rosier, you are a bloody annoying, give it back.”
Rosier shook his head and held it high above Regulus’ head, “I fucking told you Barty, he’s fancying the Gryffindor!”
“I’m not fancying anyone, tosser,” Regulus absolutely refused to make a fool out of himself by jumping up and down to get the jumper back, “He just does my brother a favour by talking to me every once in a while.”
“But Potter is fancying you,” Barty said, “It’s the only explanation why he’s always around. Always. The other day, the match against Ravenclaw, I saw him cheering when you caught the snitch, he was the only Gryffindor who cheered.”
Regulus realised, that his friends were apparently a tad more perceptive than he thought. This wasn’t good.
“You know, it’s fine if you fancy blokes, Reggie. It’s whatever, we all stare for a moment too long in the showers at one point. But a Gryffindor? Have you no self-respect?”
“I am now officially done talking about this. And I will never shower as the same time as you after quidditch or flying lessons.”
Regulus let himself fall on his bed. Evan threw the jumper on his face.
It smelled so much like Potter it was crazy. What did he do with this thing? Drench it in his cologne?
Regulus pulled it down from his face and glared at Evan.
From this moment onwards, Regulus couldn’t get Barty’s words out of his head.
But Potter is fancying you. It’s the only explanation.
Could this be true? Regulus wanted it to be true so badly. He was almost embarrassed by himself for how much he wanted it.
It made no sense altogether. It was not like anything could ever happen between them. His mother would kill them both.
I could run away to him as Sirius did. And we could be together.
The thoughts were running through his mind during the entire quidditch match. He was 100% convinced it was Potter's fault, he lost that game. But when he saw James’ smile, he wasn’t even mad.
When he was alone in the dorm room, he would take out James’ jumper and just put it on and lie in bed and nap or read. He didn’t know why, but he couldn’t stop doing it. It felt warm and safe, and it made him think of James in the best way.
Before Christmas, Regulus brought some books back to the library. He was surprised to run into James. James was rarely in the library. More importantly, he was never here without his friends.
James sat across from a Gryffindor girl with red hair. Lily Evans, if Regulus wasn’t mistaken.
Regulus walked by them, hoping James would look up and see him. James did look up, but his eyes were trained on the girl. Nothing else than her seemed to exist to James at that moment. Regulus watched from the sideline.
That look there in James’ eyes, he knew that one. It was how Sirius was staring at Remus since their 3rd year.
Lily looked up and reached over to point out something in the book to James, her arm touched his and James smiled.
It was that immobilizing smile, that Regulus loved. But now it was immobilizing in a different way. As if he dropped a boulder on him.
Regulus didn’t know for how long he was just standing and staring there. It felt like a lifetime. He noticed every little look that passed between them, every small touch and he could read their feelings of them.
Regulus felt very cold very suddenly. He felt like he needed to put on James’ sweater in order to feel warm again. He quickly put the books somewhere and left as quickly as possible, without breaking into a full sprint.
Back in his dorm he simply fell down on his bed and he sat there for hours, replaying the interactions between James and Lily and James and himself in his head, trying to make sense of it.
It didn’t make sense.
He didn’t make sense.
How could he believe that there could be something between James and him? He was just the little brother of James’ best friend, that was all.
I’m so damn stupid.
After the Christmas break, James and the redheaded girl came walking into the great hall holding hands. She was wearing a red and gold sweater, which said Potter on the back. Identical to the one in Regulus' trunk.
Evan patted his back and Barty’s adjusted his place on the bench across from Regulus, so he was blocking the view of James and Lily. And that was all that passed between them regarding the topic of James Potter, and Regulus was grateful.
He couldn’t sleep all night afterwards. He took the sweater out of his trunk and traced the letters on the back.
I’m so stupid. Why would you ever like me in the first place?
Lily is damn beautiful, of course, a guy like James would fall for a girl like her.
I’m not even half as pretty.
Regulus bunched up the sweater. It was just stupid cloth, stupid polyester, it didn’t mean anything. Lily can have all the damn sweaters she wants. She’s a damn Angel. Of course, he liked her better than him. He, a Slytherin – why would James ever go for someone like him? And then, he was a bloke to top it all off, James was probably not even into blokes.
For the rest of the night, he was crying and sobbing into the sweater.
For the following two weeks, he kept seeing James and Lily at every other turn. He couldn’t escape them. Whenever they came into view, Regulus abruptly turned around and walked in the other direction, no matter where he actually had to go. He couldn’t trust himself around the pair.
He would rather die than cry in front of James or impulsively let him know what he was feeling by hexing his girlfriend.
He walked down a corridor when he saw the two again. She was wearing the sweater; he was kissing her. Regulus turned around and went into the next best corridor, blinded by tears that started welling in his eyes.
“Reggie?” a familiar voice appeared in front of him. It was Sirius, who walked next to Remus, probably on his way to meet James.
Regulus looked up at his brother.
“Are you okay?” Sirius asked concerned.
Regulus grabbed Sirius’ Arm and pulled him with him. Sirius let himself be dragged through the hallways until they were alone.
Regulus let go of his brother, he looked at him for a beat and then he wrapped his arms around him and started crying bitterly into his shoulder.
Sirius went rigid for a second. Then he wrapped his arms around him and tried to comfort him, rubbing his hand over Regulus’ back.
“What happened?” Sirius whispered.
“I wish I were Lily.”