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It's a quarter to midnight when Minho checks the time on his phone as he exits the convenience store. He's about to text Seungmin and mess with him, saying they were out of the snacks he wanted, only for Minho to hide them in the cupboards and wait for Seungmin to walk past him in the kitchen a couple days later and roll his eyes but smile in thanks while holding the snacks in his hands, when he gets distracted by a sudden voice behind him.
"Hey stranger."
Minho pockets his phone, already fighting the smile that's making its way to his face as he recognizes the voice immediately. He turns and ends up smiling a bit too joyously for how tired he is tonight but when he sees the boy in front of him, he can't help it. "What're you doing out here?"
"Wanted a sugar rush after working since early afternoon so I came to grab some snacks before going to the dorm."
"I just bought a bunch for the others, have some." Minho offers his bag to Jisung who's already approaching it with grabby hands. "I'm sure Jeongin won't mind if you take some of his favourites."
"He will definitely mind." Jisung laughs with a shake of head but takes a peek inside Minho's bag anyway, hand rummaging through the goodies inside.
"Well that'll be his problem then, I'll just tell him they didn't have anything he'd like. I do it to Seungmin all the time." Minho let's Jisung take whatever he pleases, and watches him settle with a bag of sour candies. Jisung opens the package, stuffing his jean jacket pockets full of them so they're almost overflowing and it makes Minho laugh as they begin walking away from the store together.
Jisung unwraps a red candy, popping it in his mouth and placing his garbage in Minho's bag while sporting a lopsided grin. "So you'd lie to one of your precious dongsaengs just for me? Well isn't that just special, no particular reason right?"
Jisung's fucking with him, Minho can tell when he looks away and in the corner of his eye sees Jisung still smiling at him with a hint of teasing in his eyes.
"It's just candy, it's whatever." He mutters quietly and bumps his shoulder into Jisung's in an attempt to brush it off but it doesn't help his case any as Jisung laughs and Minho wishes it was darker, figuring Jisung can see the way his blush is crawling up his neck every time they pass underneath one of the streetlights. Jisung makes a point of purposely staring at him under the next light they pass and Minho takes one look at him and glares and then proceeds to burst out laughing at the same time Jisung does, the other boy laughing loudly while glancing up at the night sky.
"Oh my god, shut up." Minho shoves Jisung away from him but he too is still laughing when Jisung comes back to his side, giggling and apologizing for teasing but sticks his tongue out at Minho. "It's not even funny and someone's gonna hear us with your obnoxious laughing."
"The streets are practically bare at this hour, and by the way… it's too late for you to be outside alone."
"Says the one who was also out alone. What are you, my bodyguard?" Minho glances at him, chuckling when Jisung nods with a proud look on his face. "Yeah? You scared someone's gonna steal me? Or is this your way of trying to take me home or something?"
Jisung snorts, the last of their laughter dying off and he stuffs his hands into his pockets. "Wish I could." He says a couple seconds later under his breath, one side of his lips pushed up in a half smile as he catches Minho's gaze again.
Minho weighs his options for what he could say as he watches those feelings fill in Jisung's eyes when they look at each other, and realizes it's better not to speak at all once he notices they've stopped walking and are just standing in front of each other, as if gravity has pulled them back together.
It's his best option out of anything else he could do, simply keeping quiet.
As the months have continued to pass by since their last slip up, they've never quite gotten the hang of pretending, or perhaps it's just because neither one of them wants to anymore. Jisung doesn't want to go back to acting like he doesn't have a special soft spot for Minho, and Minho doesn't want to change the fact that he's had his entire heart on a silver platter ready for Jisung to take since they were teenagers.
It's the harshness of their reality that hurts Minho the most though, just like it always has. Constantly seeing the ripples of what swims in between them so prominently in Jisung's eyes, but then having to watch as those same feelings begin to die away in his eyes as he tries to force them back down to drown. There's always a remnant of something a little too soft and significant left behind though, and Minho continues to hold onto those small pieces of something more than he may ever get to express.
Jisung finally notices how they're just standing in the middle of the sidewalk staring at each other in silence and his eyebrows narrow slightly, looking as if he's about to open his mouth to say something. However Minho sees how Jisung struggles to find words and how he eventually shakes his head, giving Minho a faint smile that he tries his darndest to match and Jisung closes his mouth again and they turn away from each other, continuing their walk in silence, ignoring the fact that another moment has passed that they're not supposed to have.
Minho doesn't even know where they're going, Jisung's dorm is in the opposite direction from the convenience store and they've already passed the turn to take if they were heading to Minho's dorm, but he doesn't mind walking around aimlessly with Jisung as their silence becomes something lighter, more comfortable the further they walk. Minho's not worried about needing to rush home and get as much sleep as he can, there's no crazy schedules for tomorrow, the group has a dance practice video to film for the comeback that's fastly approaching its release but that's later in the afternoon so he knows he can still manage to get a couple decent hours of sleep.
But Minho knows he would still take the opportunity of hanging out with Jisung even if their next day was packed. He would gladly lose sleep over Jisung any night he possibly could.
"Did you see Changbin watching us when we were eating lunch together yesterday?" Minho asks, daring to take a look at Jisung who turns his head in his direction immediately.
"Of course I noticed. He's always staring at us though." Jisung shrugs and then digs in his pocket for another candy, a blue one and unwraps it, pops it in his mouth, talking around it with a bit of a slur. "Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with him when he's looking at us and he always has the same look on his face. Like he can see right through me, right through us. He doesn't do it to any of the others when they're off doing their own stuff together, just us."
Minho huffs a breath of air out at that. "Ha. I wonder why."
Minho knows very well that sometimes he and Jisung can draw eyes towards them when they sit together, when they're too preoccupied in their own little world to care about who or what is around them. He knows it could even come across like they're isolating themselves from the rest of the group. They've seen the looks exchanged by some of the members when they think Minho and Jisung aren't paying attention. Minho also knows there's times when it makes Jisung uncomfortable, when they're doing their own thing and then see one of the other members or even the staff watching them. It makes Minho uneasy too, forever scared to make one wrong move and have Jisung ripped away from him.
They never do anything they're not supposed to though. Despite hating it, they can see the line clearly drawn in the sand that they can't cross and they haven't come close to it for months. Nowadays, they just sit together when one's looking for silent comfort from the other, or gravitate to each other for reasons as simple as just wanting to be near each other. It's not something new, everyone else in the group does it too, always pairing off with a member of their choice when they want to relax but it's different for Minho and Jisung and they can feel it, knowing they're the two who are different in their group.
"Do you think they'd ever say anything to someone?" Jisung asks softly and the question breaks Minho out of his own thoughts.
He finally clues into where they are when trees come into his view and begin to line the sidewalk. They're a couple side streets away from one of the city's park and Minho glances around, looking to see if anybody is in the area, and when he sees they're alone, a small wave of annoyance runs through him that he's become so accustomed to thinking like he needs to check his and Jisung's surroundings when they're out together.
"No." He finally answers Jisung's question with a shake of his head. "I believe they're better than that. It's their opinions that scare me more than anything."
"Me too." Jisung agrees, seemingly doing what Minho had just previously done and looks around before catching Minho's gaze again and points to a bench a couple feet away and Minho nods, walking with Jisung towards it so they can sit down.
"Do you– have you ever thought about telling them?"
Of course he has. Minho has several times in the past, and lately he thinks about it almost every time he sees one of the members looking his and Jisung's way a little too inquisitive. Would it be so bad if they knew? He wonders what they'd say if they knew about the secrets he and Jisung have kept for so long. Secrets that if put into the wrong hands could leave all eight of them in shambles. And if the others knew, would the two of them still have to hide and lock their feelings away as much as they do now?
Full fledged freedom will never be in the cards for either one of them, but Minho would like to think there's more out there for him and Jisung. Even if it's hidden away in the confinement of their rooms. He'd take that instead of the moments where they tread so close to crossing the line only to try and reinforce the barriers again so everything doesn't come crumbling down on top of them. But Minho's been stuck in his own suffering for so long now, that he doesn't know if he has the fight in him to ever get them to that point of something, and he really doesn't know if he and Jisung are ready to take the chance of letting anyone else in and pop their bubble and the safety of their secrets yet.
"Yeah, have you?" Minho settles on saying. He doesn't want to overwhelm Jisung with his worrying, not right now, not tonight, and not when their moods are already somewhat low and the tiredness from their days are finally catching up to them.
"I almost came out to Felix and told him about us once, but I didn't know how to say it. I was– I know he'd be so accepting but I was scared and then felt stupid for being that scared. And I still feel stupid because I don't know what I'd do if it went wrong and I was judged by them when this is who I am. I'm a boy who just happens to have romantic feelings for another boy, so fucking what? I hate how anxious I get whenever I feel like I want to tell them."
"I'm terrified." Minho confesses and looks anywhere but at Jisung whose eyes are on him as soon as they sit down.
"I don't exactly hide it all the time so they probably all have their own suspicions about my sexuality, I know Changbin does, but I can't handle the thought of coming out to them and ruining the group. I'd never be able to live with myself. I don't want to let everyone down again."
It's a wound that'll never heal, even if everything worked out in the end, it still happened and though try as all eight boys might, the past still creeps up on them and sometimes it still really hurts. Two eliminations. Him not being good enough for the team. It always comes up in Minho's head when he lets himself overthink this much about everything that's happening around him.
"Not once have you ever let any of us down." It comes out as a whisper from Jisung, and there's a sad, heart-wrenching look that's in his eyes when Minho finally turns to look at him.
"I have. Before." Minho nods quickly, smiling sadly, wanting to dismiss the topic at hand. He wouldn't be surprised if Jisung could see misery in his eyes, he only ever references the past like this with a level of seriousness with Jisung, but it's still always such a hard thing for Minho to talk about, no matter how much he tries, never able to fully get the right words out without feeling tears burn the back of his eyelids.
Minho's glad that neither of them get the chance to say anything else though, when Jisung's phone goes off and he tears his eyes away from Minho's to look down and digs for it in his pocket, a couple pieces of candies falling in between them and Minho goes to pick them up before they can slip off the bench.
"That your dorm dads checking up on you?" He jokes quietly as he's putting the candies back in Jisung's pocket and sees a streak of texts appearing on Jisung's phone screen and the boy snorts beside him.
"No, Hyunjinnie. He's asking where I am." Jisung types out a quick couple of words and then locks his screen, shoving his phone back into his pocket, hand brushing against Minho's accidentally and their eyes instantly meet again. For a moment, Minho thinks he sees a flash of the fire that they would do anything to ignite in Jisung's eyes before, like always, it begins to disappear. "Do you wanna just like… sit for a little longer? And then we'll leave?"
"That'd be nice." Minho nods, and doesn't waste time worrying when Jisung shifts closer to him. Jisung manoeuvres himself so he can lift his leg up and his boot is on the bench, his hand rests on the side of his thigh that's closest to Minho and he's looking at him as he bumps his hand against Minho's.
Minho feels that same blush from earlier coming back and warming his skin again as he slides his hand down just enough to curl a finger around Jisung's. Jisung nudges a couple more of his fingers in between Minho's and Minho wills his nerves to rest for a while, finally settling down with the knowledge of their fingers being covered from any possible view due to Jisung's leg raised. Any nerves Jisung may have had seem to non-existent too, as he squeezes the three fingers he has around Minho tighter, holding onto where they're connected for dear life.
"We're really shit at stopping this, aren't we?" Jisung mumbles, looking out into the park.
Minho looks down at their hidden hands and lets out the quietest of laughs. Keeping their distance, not getting caught up in each other, staying just friends. It's all easier said than done. Yet whenever they feel like they're getting too close to that point, a point where they may be able to stay only friends, they bring each other back in, so desperate to try and hold onto what they want to have together even if it just causes them more sorrow in the long run.
It makes Minho wonder what the point is in trying to hide it anymore.
"Yeah, yeah we are." He sighs when he finally answers and takes his eyes off their entwined fingers, deciding to pretend to be as interested in the scenery in front of them just like Jisung is as he squeezes his fingers in sequences of threes against Minho's every couple of seconds.
Minho will never ask why, but he has a feeling the squeezes against his skin coming in threes is Jisung's way of saying the three words they wish they could say without ruining each other and everything else in the process.
***
Almost everyone's in the room when Minho finally enters after their latest comeback stage of the week. He waves at the camera that's instantly pointed at him and does a brief greeting and some fun teasing with Changbin who's filming for SKZ-Talker and then sits on one of the couches, planning to absorb himself in his phone. He takes a glance around the room at the other members first; Felix has himself sprawled out, probably half asleep on the couch that's across the room, Changbin is still recording in the corner and looks to be filming Felix from the way he's angled the camera, and Hyunjin and Jisung are sitting next to the couch Felix is on, on the floor near the wall socket.
Minho smiles when he notices the long charging cord coming from the wall that Jisung has attached to his phone that he's attempting to balance on top of his knees. His head is leaning against Hyunjin's shoulder, and Minho wonders how the blond boy has managed to have tucked himself into Jisung's side so easily as they both watch whatever is on Jisung's phone.
He gets caught up in staring at one of them in particular for a beat too long though, his eyes travelling their way down Jisung's body as he looks at the stage outfit the boy's yet to take off, and he's so lost in the moment that he doesn't even feel the dip in the couch until a throat is purposefully and directly cleared beside him and Minho nearly jumps out of his skin, head instantly turning to see a pair of eyes staring right back at him.
Acting as if it's completely normal for Minho to be staring at him looking beyond mortified, Seungmin nudges a small plate of pastries in between them and towards Minho.
"Hey hyung, you hungry?"
Minho doesn't feel like he's in control of his surroundings anymore, and feels how quickly his heart is pounding against his chest that he can almost hear it. There's a pit of nerves forming in his stomach that makes him have to suppress a gag when he takes one look down at the food Seungmin is offering.
"No, I'm fine–"
There's a loud laugh across the room that cuts Minho off and he breaks eye contact with Seungmin to see Hyunjin laughing and clapping at something Jisung is pointing at on his phone while he laughs too, eyes crinkled and forming little crescents in the corners as he looks at Hyunjin. Jisung freezes when he turns to look back down at his phone and notices Minho's gaze on him but then his eyes begin to soften even more. He gives Minho the same shy, knowing smile that Minho's loved for years and Minho reciprocates it in a second.
"Can't look away?" Jisung teases from across the room, eyebrows raised in a way that Minho thinks could only be described as seductive.
"You wish." Minho answers, surprised at Jisung's boldness and playfully decides to roll his eyes and laughs when he sees Jisung begins to smirk. They play a silent game of "you look away first... no you look away first" with their eyes until Minho forces himself to finally be the one to look away and return his focus towards Seungmin and try not to flirt with Jisung so openly in front of everyone.
However Seungmin has yet to take his eyes off the same boy Minho was just staring at, even when Jisung goes back to talking to Hyunjin as if nothing happened. When he sees Seungmin's eyebrows furrow and his face crunching up the same way it does when he's trying to really figure something out, Minho realizes it'll be only a matter of time before he does. His stomach drops when Seungmin's eyes finally lock on his again and they're staring back with a look that Minho has seen a thousand times before from the members in the past but time's finally up, because there's some different in Seungmin's eyes now, something that Minho's been scared of seeing since day one and Seungmin makes it comes across so evidently that it can't be mistaken as anything else.
He's seen in full what no one else has yet to, something that goes beyond silly play moments of a friendship, and instead something that Minho and Jisung have always classified as theirs.
He's seen a secret, and when Seungmin looks back at Jisung once more and then at Minho with his eyes momentarily flashing with that something again but more concrete, like he can really see them, Minho feels a chill rip through him, freezing with panic.
Within seconds his ears feel like they're melting from how hot they have become as he stares at Seungmin. It's like he's watching someone piece together his life and pick out every single moment that led him to being who he is, and how he's different. Seungmin's already seen half the emotions he and Jisung have shared with each other through their eyes even when they're in a crowded place, seen the wandering eyes that look over each other more than they should to be just friendly, and all because Minho couldn't stop his feelings for boys from happening.
Minho can almost pinpoint the exactly second Seungmin figures out what's really going on behind the scenes and Minho feels like he's going to throw up. Being seen as himself for who he truly is by someone other than Jisung for the first time is one of the worst feelings Minho's ever had and he can't handle it. Especially not in a setting like this, in front of everyone with no way to run.
Minho looks away, keeping quiet and squeezes his phone so tightly in his left hand to keep his entire body from shaking. His eyes dart across the room, not finding Changbin with the camera in the room anymore, and noticing Felix is nowhere to be seen either. The remaining two on the floor are too enticed by what they're watching on Jisung's phone to be paying attention, and Minho has one single moment to breathe a sigh of relief that no one other than Seungmin is witnessing this moment, before he begins to feel himself break again after months of trying to heal, repress.
For what feels like the longest five minutes of Minho's life, they don't speak. Seungmin puts his plate on the table and then quietly lays back against the couch beside Minho, with his arms lazily thrown over his knees that he brings to his chest.
When Seungmin decides to break their still air, he speaks bluntly but softly, keeping his voice low, only wanting to be heard by Minho.
"You know you could just ask Jisung."
"Ask him what?"
"If he feels the same way you do." Seungmin says lightly as he glances at Minho.
Feeling more broken than he's ever felt, Minho smiles sadly and quietly says, "What if I already know?"
Seungmin's face falls instantly, and the genuine worry and pity in his eyes makes Minho feel a sharp sting of tears behind his own.
"Minho hyung–"
"We really don't need to talk about it." Minho's met his limit, already shaking at the thought of Seungmin knowing he's gay, and mixed with confirmation of something involving him and Jisung, he needs to put a stop to this conversation before he completely shuts down. He looks down at his lap and picks at his phone case to try and distract himself from the tears he's trying so desperately not to let reach the surface. He sniffles and clears his throat, almost in disbelief that this is his reality right now, and how everything feels like it's crashed down on him so hard he doesn't even feel like he's breathing.
"I can handle it." He says and doesn't know who he's trying to convince anymore, Seungmin or himself. "Trust me, it's better this way."
"Is it though?" Seungmin questions softly. Minho feels his eyes still on him, but he can't look at him, knowing if he sees that same look in Seungmin's eyes again then he'll burst into tears. "I trust that you know what you're doing, but hyung… from an outsider's view, the way you're handling it doesn't seem like it makes you happy."
"It doesn't." Minho forces himself to tell the truth and it's like he's driving the knife that's been wedged into his heart for years for one more final aching twist. When he meets Seungmin's eyes again, he lifts one side of his lips in a tiny, forceful smile, hoping Seungmin can see how close Minho is to crumbling in front of him and how much he needs them to stop.
Seungmin nods and exhales, understanding the message Minho's laid out for him and gets up, grabbing his plate on the table. He turns to look at Minho once more, standing right in front of him and blocking anything else from Minho's view.
"It's never going to be easy, and you can't rig the system to go your way exactly how you want. But if you really want it, you should try. And not like this, with this self inflicted misery. Try to do what you can, with what you have at least. I'll always support you, hyung. I promise." Seungmin says his final piece quietly, then mumbling something about finding Jeongin to take selfies and then he's gone, leaving Minho in a headspace where he struggles with the fact that he still exists.
It's a mixture of the raw exposure he's brought upon himself and Jisung that bothers Minho and the fact that he just came out to one of his group members that makes trembles run through Minho's body. He and Jisung have lived and breathed the vulnerability of their secrets every day for years, and the guilt of being gay has always been hidden in the shadows of the whispered pain he and Jisung confided in at night that never left their rooms or each other's hearts. But now, he's not alone with Jisung in their rooms, and he won't be able to have that comfort for another twelve hours, maybe even longer, and Minho can't handle it. All this shame without Jisung telling him that he'll be okay, that they'll be okay, that everything is fine, that it shouldn't hurt this much because Seungmin seems perfectly fine with it. Instead, Minho feels like he's suffocating in his own self hatred, like his humiliation is crawling under the first layer of his skin and he scratches at his arm self-consciously, worrying that any part of his exposed skin someone else can see will begin to burn if looked at too closely.
The door has barely fully shut after Seungmin's exit and it's like an alarm goes off in Jisung's head, like he knows something is wrong by how fast his head is shooting up from his phone to look for Minho. His lips part in surprise and worry fills his features when he locks eyes with Minho, who doesn't bother covering up the fact that he's truly on the brink of a breakdown, tears gathering in his eyes as his neck goes red with embarrassment. Minho looks at Jisung and lets him see everything, all the shattering parts of his soul, and the parts of him that are screaming out for Jisung.
What's wrong? What's happening? Jisung mouths, but Minho simply pushes his lips up in a phoney smile that Jisung frowns at, eyebrows sinking in confusion. Baby. Jisung mouths and makes a move to get up but Minho quickly shakes his head, silently signaling Jisung to stay where he is. He can almost hear the word and the way it slips off Jisung's tongue and how it's sounded in the past when it was whispered in his ear late at night when it shouldn't have been and it's the final tipping point for Minho.
Too many memories begin to flood Minho's mind that are laced with the taunting, dehumanizing words of one of them know, someone else knows you're gay, you're gonna lose him and Minho feels so disgusted with himself. He grips onto his phone for dear life in one final attempt to ground into reality and shoots up from his seat, avoiding the worrisome looks from Jisung as the boy drops his phone on his lap which makes Hyunjin curiously looks up, and Minho feels their eyes boring holes into his back as he walks out of the room without sparing either of them a second glance.
Minho speed-walks to the nearest bathroom he can find and locks the door, crumbling to the floor in the next second and letting everything take over him. He cries quietly into his hands, beyond exhausted and wishing for nothing more than to disappear and never be seen or heard from again. It's so much fucking pressure, day after day of being someone you're not. Or being yourself but to a certain limit, with restrictions to prevent yourself from wreaking havoc on everyone you care about around you. Minho hugs his legs into his chest, curling into himself as he heaves a silent sob into his knees, unable to process the emotions rushing through him.
He needs Jisung. He needs to be reminded he's going through this for a reason. He needs Jisung as he's the only one who would be able to calm Minho's worries, making everything just a little bit better.
But Jisung never comes, because Minho can't have the boy he loves.
***
He wishes he could view the world the way Jisung does. In a way that doesn't seem so black and white like Minho's so accustomed to. He wants to experience the way Jisung can take a cloudy moment and turn it into something where there's an answer to all the pain and suffering one has to go through to see the light at the end of the tunnel, like everything's supposed to work out the way it should.
"I'd like to think this is all happening for a reason though, yanno? Like, us going through the pain and the separation." Jisung explained one night months ago when they were once again talking about things they shouldn't, but hidden away in the quiet confines of Jisung's room, they let themselves talk about the possibilities of their someday, still wondering if it'll ever come within their grasp. "And that maybe we're meant to because it has to do with something greater than us, that... I don't know, our feelings for each other will... win." He had mumbled, cheesily squeezing out the end of his sentence and was blushing as soon as he met Minho's eyes. "It sounds stupid when I say it out loud though."
"No it doesn't. I like your take on it." Minho had said, smiling as he rolled onto his stomach and snuggled into one of Jisung's pillows. He rested his cheek on it as he looked up at Jisung who was resting his back against his bed, looking down at Minho with his eyes filled with such sweetness for him that it made heat rush to Minho's cheeks and they ended up looking away from each other giggling, like two fools in love because that's exactly what they were and in that moment, nothing could be taken away from them.
But that was long before Minho outed himself to Seungmin, and before he outed the idea that maybe there really is something more than just a super close best friend bond happening with Jisung.
"...you can't rig the system to go your way exactly how you want. But if you really want it, you should try. And not like this, with this self inflicted misery." Seungmin's words stay with Minho even after they've finally returned to their dorms and are huddled in their rooms for the night. He leans against his headboard, eyes blinking every so often as he stares at the plants he has across the room in silence. He's long since cried everything inside of him out, and now he feels a hollowness inside him, like he's completely desolated with everything until he thinks about Jisung, because it makes Minho want to have that same hopeful, wishful mindset that he tries to have, even when their picture isn't painted out so perfectly. Minho wants to believe that maybe things won't be as bad as he thinks they'll be.
But in the end, Minho doesn't see the world like Jisung does. Which leaves Minho fearing that he doesn't know what to do anymore. That he'll make a bigger mess than he already has if he tries to finally have something more with Jisung, where Minho really will ruin everything once and for all, and he'll lose Jisung forever in the process.
There's a knock on his door around eight and Minho would love to pretend to be asleep so he doesn't have to socialize or possibly entertain one of the other boys in the dorm. Would want nothing more than to be alone the rest of the night and wallow in his emptiness but he knows that it would make matters worse, and he worries that the younger boys in the dorm might actually need something so he brings himself out of the hell loop he's been replaying in his head and clears his throat.
"It's unlocked." He calls towards the door, feeling the thumping of a headache against his temple as he rolls his head to the side to watch his door open.
Jisung's eyes meet his as the boy slips into the room in the next second and the door is shut as fast as it was opened, with the sound of the lock ringing in Minho's ears. Jisung silently walks over and sits on the side of Minho's bed, bending one leg that rests near Minho's as he turns his body to face Minho.
"Hey." Minho smiles a bit.
"What's up?" Jisung asks softly, returning the smile and rubbing his hand over one of Minho's knees. "You feeling okay? You were quiet all throughout today, something's wrong."
"Seungmin knows."
"Knows what?"
"That I'm gay." Minho says flatly, trying not to focus on the way that Jisung's eyes are already beginning to fill with distress. "Or just that maybe out of the entire population, I happen to really like you specifically."
Jisung doesn't move, nor does he say anything right away, and Minho waits for him to process the news that's just been thrown at him. Jisung doesn't waste time though, his face neutral and moving closer to Minho by stuffing his legs under Minho's thigh, resting his hands on Minho's skin. He looks down as he begins drawing circles with his index finger next to the end of Minho's shorts.
"Did he find out this morning after the recording?"
Minho nods, watching Jisung's fingers trace invisible shapes across his skin.
"How?"
"He was laser focused on us when we were being– I don't know, us. And he basically put everything together and then I opened my mouth and made matters worse. I was gonna go talk to him when we got home but I just wanted to be alone."
"Do you still wanna be alone?"
"Yeah." Minho nods but adds, "You don't count though, so stay."
Jisung snorts, glancing up at him and he's wearing a silly smirk that Minho wants nothing more than to lean forward and kiss off his lips. "Are you calling me a nobody?"
"Oh fuck off." Minho laughs, lifting his other foot to lightly kick at Jisung's side.
"Alright, bye." Jisung teases, letting go of Minho's thigh and goes to move himself away from Minho and shift backwards but Minho's quicker, playing right into Jisung's hands like he knows the boy wants him to. He lifts his hips up to push himself closer to Jisung and swings his legs around his hips, ankles crossing behind Jisung's back and essentially locking him in place.
Jisung's too cocky about the way he looks down at the sight in front of him, with Minho's legs half on his and around his body. He puts his hands on Minho's thighs and that same smirk from before is on his face and Minho knows Jisung's noticed he could easily pull Minho into his lap if he really wanted to.
"Hey there hyung."
"Mhm, hi asshole." Minho balances his hands behind him and rolls his eyes. For a second, everything seems so domestic, with Minho's heart filling with so much love, it makes him realize how his horrible mood has been completely lifted just from Jisung being with him for a simple few minutes. "Thank you for coming over." He mumbles, wishing for time to freeze over so he and Jisung could stay like this forever.
"It was my plan the second I saw you get into the van after we left the recording this morning with puffy eyes." Jisung says and Minho can't meet his eyes out of his own embarrassment, not wanting to be reminded of everything he went through and has been going through the entire day.
He eyes the clock on his nightstand and sighs, "Seungmin's probably told them all what I said by now."
"We both know that's not true." Jisung's quick to correct him, and goes on to explain, "He would never go and out you to the others if you didn't explicitly tell him that it was fine to do so. And I think it's pretty obvious that what you two talked about left you feeling anything but fine so he'd never say anything, none of them would."
"He's seen a lot though."
"I think they all have at this point." Jisung shrugs, staring down at his hands as he slides them down Minho's inner thighs. Minho naturally squeezes his legs around his hips, and Jisung looks at him, corner of his mouth lifting up in a brief smile that Minho lets out a breath of laughter at, cracking his own small smile. "I wouldn't be surprised if they all think something's going on between us by now."
"Then what the fuck are we doing?" Minho asks quietly as the smile slips off his face.
"I… I don't actually know anymore." Jisung laughs despite himself, breaking eye contact as he looks down at his hands on Minho's skin again. "We say we need to push our feelings down and stop doing this but almost every chance we get, we still give in to almost any opportunity that we can, just like this." Jisung proves his point when he gently digs his fingers into the fleshy parts of Minho's thighs and Minho's lips part automatically at the sensation and he has to squeeze the sheets behind him, grounding himself and trying not to react.
Jisung notices Minho's behaviour and smiles, but it's anything but happy. "We keep failing at trying to act like we're two friends hanging out in the dorms, and chillin' together during breaks or between schedules– hell, sometimes even while we're on camera. We're trying to be something we're not, we've never been just friends. The lines have been blurred since day one and we've crossed every single one and do it all over again whenever we can. All we've been doing is hurting each other and being damaged emotionally more than anything."
"I'm sorry."
"What for?"
"Because this is my fault." Minho says it like it should be obvious. "I'm the one that can't hold back in all this and I let people see right through me. If I hadn't been staring at you like a pound puppy earlier waiting for you to pay me attention then Seungmin wouldn't have seen anything."
"What are you supposed to do Minho? Never look at me?" Jisung's eyebrows turn inwards as he frowns and he shakes his head. "We've been in this together from the start, it's not your fault that neither one of us want to stop feeling the way we do. We've been so dead set on not letting our feelings break the surface that we've already let everything out anyway, so why not just go for the big kill now and just tell the others?"
"What if it's not as easy as that?"
"But what if it is?" Jisung says with a sad look on his face. "You know I'd do anything for you, and I mean it. So if the next step in all of this is coming out to the others, then I'd do it in a second. But only if you want to actually do this."
Minho wants it more than anything, knowing they'd be stronger and better if they could just be together, but the deadly thorns of his fears begin to prick away at every ounce of his core just like they did this morning. "I don't know if I can handle it if they all don't accept us."
"I think they will." Jisung says, shrugging. "Chaos hasn't erupted in our dorms yet just because Seungmin knows, and I don't think it will. Do you think if they were really against us that we wouldn't know by now, after all this time?"
Jisung's logic makes sense, it really does, but Minho's still apprehensive. Always so scared. "There's still other eyes that could see us."
"Nobody could ever see all of us though," Jisung says softly and his eyes are shining with unshed tears and an ounce of that love that Minho wants to hold the entirety of in his hands. "The members, the fans, the media, whoever it may be, whatever. They can see us interact and can think they know it all, but in the end, they don't. No one could ever see all of us, these moments when we're alone, when we're really us. These are our moments and that's what matters."
"What if I'm bad at this though?"
"Bad at what? This?" Jisung asks, gesturing between the two of them and Minho nods. Jisung snorts a second later, pulling Minho's legs tighter around him. "You're joking right?"
"I don't want to waste the chance I finally have to have you and still lose you because I'm shit at it or like, a bad boyfriend." Minho admits, not meeting Jisung's eyes and looking down at his lap instead. He anxiously moves a foot back and forth behind Jisung.
Jisung nudges his chin up gently with his index finger and thumb and Minho's forced to lift his head up and look at him. "If I thought you'd ever be a bad boyfriend, I would've never kissed you in the old dorm, and I definitely wouldn't have let us do everything else we did that night." The boy says quietly with a knowing smile on his face that makes Minho laugh bashfully as his face flushes from the constant eye contact.
"It's been us against this fucked up world for years. You're the only one I've let know every single part of who I am. I don't feel like this about anyone else and I won't. And honestly, I'm so fucking tired of having to keep myself guarded when I'm with you, because if I don't then I'll tip us over that edge we're not supposed to but I want to. Constantly. I want you and I want to be with you."
"I want to try." Minho whispers. Everything they've kept pretending to push down has finally caught up to them and they have the choice to try and do something or let this pain continue to drag them down until it eventually suffocates them. "I want us to try and tell the others, I want to tell them so maybe we can finally be together." He repeats to make himself more clear and Jisung's face fills with a mixture of surprise and happiness.
"Are you sure?"
Minho nods. Maybe he'll regret his decision, but maybe he won't. He trusts Jisung and he has enough faith in his members that maybe they'll let them have even the smallest ounce of something together and go against those in the world who would rather see them suffer than love who they want. Minho has kept weakly grasping for enough hope for this moment to come for years, where something could actually become of him and Jisung. And through tears and breakdowns Minho thinks he finally has enough strength and hope inside him to be able to make it with Jisung.
***
If Minho looks back on it, he would probably say he was a bit dramatic with his worrying. But in the heat of the moment, when still filled with such pain and fear, Minho tries not judge himself too hard over it. Because in the end, it goes a lot smoother than either boy thought it would, not really coming as a surprise to Minho and Jisung that the boys are so supportive, loving, and accepting of each other for whatever it may be, sexuality included.
Jisung started the conversation off the following evening when they'd gathered around Minho and the younger boys' dorm, the boys all scattered around the living room and waiting for whatever was to be said to them. Jisung handled coming out to everyone much better than Minho did during his talk with Seungmin, or at least Jisung seemed to hold himself together enough, hands only hiding behind his back once to find Minho's fingers and playing with them to keep himself calm.
It was followed by Minho saying me too, trying not to look as scared as he was feeling on the inside but that fear didn't last long when Jisung immediately spoke up about his feelings for Minho and a couple of the boys began to smile and their eyes lit up, watching the two boys in front of them.
What really made Minho's confidence grow more was when he made eye contact with Chan who had a small smile on his lips the entire time, and when he noticed Minho looking at him, he nodded a bit, giving Minho a thumbs up and therefore approval and it made the weight of Minho feeling like a burden to his team disappear. He was able to take over for Jisung then, filling in the boys on some of things he and Jisung had earlier agreed they should know about what's went on and what hasn't between them over the years, and at the end he asked for their support as always and simply hoped that they would accept him and Jisung as they may try to figure something out between them and keep themselves hidden from the public eye.
"We'll do whatever we can to help you guys out. Just ask and as long as it's nothing too publicly revealing, then I'm sure it can be done." Chan had been the first to speak, giving them both a big hug and everyone giggled as Jisung went back towards Chan for a second hug as he began to sniffle at his words, too overcome with gratefulness.
"I hope you two have never felt judged by us. You can come to any of us whenever you need to. We'll always be here for you both." Felix spoke up, giving his own supportive words and hugs.
"Don't be scared to be who you are, at least in front of us, live like how you should be able to." Seungmin had said. His words were so similar to what Minho had heard the day prior that it made him smile as he caught Seungmin's eye across the room, and truly thankful to have someone like Seungmin on their team, and in his life.
Unlike Jisung who was fighting back more and more tears as the boys continued to speak up and give their love and support, Minho was fine until he finally made eye contact with Changbin as the boy began to speak.
"I've never known what exactly has been happening between the two of you, but I've always been happy for you. And I'll continue to be happy for you and Jisungie, even more so now hyung."
Minho nodded in thanks, struggling to smile as he felt the all too familiar burn of tears in the back of his eyes and he had to look away to clear his throat and blink awkwardly to hold back from crying. He eventually gave up and just looked up again at Changbin with teary eyes filled with such thanks and Changbin winked, giving him a reassuring smile.
"Damn, thought you guys were at least best friends with benefits by now. But congrats on this new chapter I guess." Jeongin had shrugged near the end, making everyone giggle in the room. Hyunjin had pointed a thumb towards Jeongin who was seated next to him, and nodded in agreement to what the boy said.
"Me too. Especially from all the eye sex they have across the room while we're on schedules."
"Eye sex? Hyung, c'mon be a little less gross, would you?"
"I'm right though, aren't I?"
The silly, light-hearted jokes helped lessen the worry and anxiety both Minho and Jisung felt as the room erupted with harder laughs and more giggles, and Minho had looked at Jisung who stood closely beside him and smiled. Jisung turned his head to smile back and reached for Minho's hand, naturally intertwining their fingers together, eyes shining as their hearts were filled with so much relief, being able to take a moment and just breathe above all the fear, as the depths of severity their actions slowly, but finally, dissolved around them.
"Oh my god, look, they're holding hands. That's so cute."
"Felix, I doubt they want us to say things like that."
"Like your eye sex comment wasn't out of line, Hyunjin?"
***
Even though Minho's yet to learn how to swim, he's heard from the others what it's like, especially Chan, so he begins to think of his journey with Jisung as if they'd spent years practicing to hold their breath underwater.
Spending minutes and minutes under the surface training their bodies and minds to become relaxed enough to hold, breathe, hold and then repeat that same sequence over and over again. For years. But then one day, they successfully beat their past records and rose to the top, shooting out from the water and wiping their hair out of their eyes and taking big gasps of air before the excitement kicks in and then they just simply return to breathing. They just breathe.
Though Minho thinks he'll never attempt to ever learn how to swim, he likes the feeling his daydreaming has left over him. He likes the thought of what he thinks it feels like as he stays lying next to Jisung on his bed hours later after coming out to the group. The group separated close to midnight, after having decided to spend the rest of their free day together and order food, having a night together and have the bond between them only become stronger than it was before now that everyone was once again on the same page, respected, and understood one another. At the end of the night, Minho only had to look at Jisung once for the boy to give him a wide smile and begin following Minho to his room, ignoring the way Minho began to giggle when Jisung's cheeks flushed as Felix and Jeongin made ooo ahhh sounds behind him as they saw the two boys walking out of the kitchen together.
It's like nothing Minho's ever felt before, how easy it is to just inhale, and exhale, without feeling the pressure of something on his chest. The waves of relief still washing over him every time he realizes he doesn't have to live in the shadows of who he really is anymore, at the very least in his own dorm, or with his best friends. And what matters most of all to him, is that he can finally have Jisung within an arm's reach and be able to hold him without feeling a sick pit form in his stomach. He doesn't have to be worried about someone mentioning how much he looks at Jisung or what the others may think when they see the two of them sitting closely together. Now they know, and it's okay.
Telling the members, it's not everything, but it's something. It's that one thing that allows Minho and Jisung just enough of that freedom they've so desperately wanted for years, and letting them be who they are.
"You're staring."
"No I'm not."
Jisung takes his eyes off his phone to look down at Minho who's still sprawled on his bed, compared to Jisung who's been sitting cross legged playing with Minho's hair with one hand as he watches a show he casted to Minho's TV an hour ago. He immediately makes eye contact with Minho who is staring at him and Jisung laughs, nails lightly scratching at Minho's scalp. Minho feels Jisung's eyes still on him as he closes his own for a moment, enjoying the feeling and curling in closer to Jisung's side and even lets out the quietest of hums.
"This is so fucking weird." Jisung suddenly blurts, a silly, joyous laugh escaping him.
"Wow thanks." Minho snorts, but knows what Jisung means regardless. Having gotten so used to the limitations and walls between them for years, the ability to just be together has almost become foreign. They've hung out like this for years, watched shows and laid close to one another, but to not be burdened by looming consequences of their close proximity they crave sometimes… It's so new, and it feels so special.
He sits up, meeting Jisung's eyes straight on now and gives him a small smile, "It's the best kind of weird though, right?"
Jisung nods, mirroring the same smile. "Yeah, it is. Took us long enough."
"You always said we'd have our time one day."
"I'm glad I ended up being right."
"Me too."
As Minho looks at Jisung, he sees so many emotions swimming around Jisung's eyes that he doesn't have to hide anymore that it almost overwhelms Minho from how loved he feels in that moment. It's a feeling he can't wait to begin to get used to. "Are you crying?" He smiles as he sees water gathering around Jisung's eyes and goes to reach up to wipe away the tears.
"No I am not." Jisung says with a glare, swatting Minho's hand away playfully. It's all done in light fun as the action makes the tears fall and it's Jisung's groan when he notices his cheeks are damp with tears that causes Minho to giggle. He watches Jisung pull the collar of his shirt up and presses the material against his eyes for a moment, mumbling with his shirt covering his face. "'M just really fuckin' happy."
Minho leans back on his hands and tilts his head to the side, taking in and almost studying just how soft Jisung looks next to him as he pulls his shirt away from his face and blinks down at his lap, clearly fighting the remaining tears that are threatening to fall. It takes Jisung a minute to notice Minho hasn't said anything and when he turns to look at him, he laughs softly, shaking his head.
"You're staring again."
"Mhmm." Minho nods and it only takes Jisung a moment to flicker his eyes back and forth from Minho's to finally realize why he's gone quiet and one side of his face quirks up in a smug smile as he puts weight in one of his hands and leans more into Minho's space.
"Hi Minho." He whispers, a breath away from him now and his eyes dart from Minho's parted lips to his eyes.
"Hi Jisung." Minho mumbles, and is yet again overcome with that feeling of breathing in a brand new gust of fresh air. Having Jisung this close, where they're practically sharing the same air and not having an ounce of worry in their minds, with no stress of thinking about the aftermath of their actions, it's like the final piece of the puzzle that needed to be placed for everything to come together, for them to come together.
And Minho knows Jisung was right yesterday, despite what people may think and say, no one will ever see them when they're alone like this, so happy and absorbed in their own world with no care for anything except each other.
Everything they're gone through and everything they've had to put themselves through has all been so worth it, and Minho would do it all again just to get to this moment, just so he and Jisung could finally have their moment.
They both lean in at the same time, but it's Jisung who connects their lips in a slow kiss that has Minho reaching one of his hands forward and grabbing for Jisung's shirt. Their lips move together in one of the softest kisses they've ever shared, their first kiss in months, now with a newfound passion and slowness that they both can't seem to get enough of, continuing to slip away and go right back in for more. Minho curls his fingers inwards, fisting at the material of Jisung's shirt to keep him close as they pull apart and they both have silly smiles on their faces as they look at each other.
"I love you." Minho whispers, nudging their noses together lightly and goes to place another kiss to the boy's lips, "Love you so much Jisung."
Jisung's eyes go wide, and he immediately chases after Minho's lips, placing a shaky hand on Minho's cheek and pecks more and more kisses to his lips, "I love you too." He says, repeating the words in between kisses and it makes Minho smile against his lips.
I love you. They're such small words to describe the profound impact they've had on each other's lives, with how at peace they both finally feel by being completely who they are around those who matter the most to them, and finally being able to love each other and say it. The force the words bring with them as they roll off Jisung's tongue makes Minho dizzy, eventually making him pull back so he can see the boy he's so in love with looking back at him the love they speak about and it's so crystal clear in Jisung's eyes, with no hiding or attempt to push it down, it's just, there. And it's there to stay.
It's everything and more than Minho could have ever hoped for.