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It’s been six years since the end of the Mortal War. Six tough, happy, loving years. This life of fighting, and magic, and complications, and all other things that come with being a part of the Shadow world is not an easy one, but it is the only life we have so we all must choose how we want to live it. For Alec and I it was not clear how we were going to play out for a while, and that effected how we were going to live our lives, no matter how much we didn’t want to have to think about it. The beginning was hard in ways neither of us knew how to articulate. We had dealt with our fair share of problems and the period when we were broken up definitely took a toll on us.
When we were first getting back into our relationship there were trust issues. I didn’t know how to figure out for sure if he was being deceitful and he was sometimes weary of how truthful and transparent I was being. Looking back, it hurts to realize how much we weren’t the only ones affected by our strenuous relationship.I can never repay our friends and family for never giving up on us during that time.
Recently I rediscovered this letter that Alec wrote to me before we were able to talk through our problems and get to a place where we could start our relationship anew. He wasn’t able to talk himself into letting me read it until we were actually in that good, happy place, but here it is all these years later.
Magnus,
I’ve been thinking about how badly I messed up, and I can't forgive myself for messing up
what we had. It was wrong of me to go behind your back like I did and talk to Camille, and I wish more than anything that I could take it back, and I will always regret it. It was a mistake and I can now understand why that wasn't my choice to make for you. I am so sorry that I didn't respect your independence and your ability to make your own choices, you deserved better than that.
I’m writing this letter with the intent of apology and to ask for your forgiveness, but I’m struggling with the fact that it couldn’t be all my fault that we separated. I wasn’t the only one of us not playing fair in our relationship. I am well aware that you have more of a past to share than I do, but that will never mean I don't want to know all about yours. You know so many details about my life and I want you to know all of it and more, but I feel like I am in the dark when it comes to you and that is something I don’t know how to be okay with. I don't need everything I just need something, I can't be kept in the dark forever. Don’t worry, I know how me adding my own qualms undermines my apology, so you will likely never see this.
I miss you more than words and love you more than you could know and hope that I can earn your forgiveness eventually. I’m ready to give you mine. I am sorry for everything. I love you forever.
Yours dearly,
Alec
Reading this letter from so long ago was like a slap in the face that I wasn’t quite ready for. It was an unhappy reminder that we didn’t always know how to be happy together the way we do now. It’s a reminder of the work we put in, and the shortcomings we both had, and the issues that now feel obsolete. Obviously we are always growing together and adjusting as we need, but our days now revolve around each other when it comes down to it, so it’s strange to think about a time when the same couldn't be said. My relationship with Alec is the most steadfast thing in my life and despite it all, he has been since I met the light-eyed boy.