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“You know, hyung, it’s so cute how whipped you are for Felix even when you’re mad,” Hyunjin appears in the living room out of nowhere, startling Changbin with these words.
He’s in the middle of a home workout, all sweaty and already tired, so it takes him a few seconds to even realize that Hyunjin was talking to him, and when he opens his mouth to say something, the guy is already gone. Changbin is left alone to stare at the door to his bedroom in confusion, and when he hears Seungmin’s quiet giggling behind that door, he gets even more confused — why would Seungmin even come over today?
Nonetheless, Changbin just shrugs at Hyunjin’s words and wipes the sweat off his forehead before proceeding with his workout as he decides to think about it later. Whatever Hyunjin meant by that doesn’t really matter right now, because his mind is occupied with more important things at the moment, such as the song that he’s currently working on and the new choreo that they need to memorize and practice in just under a week.
Both Jisung and Chan are out in the studio working on music, and originally Changbin wasn’t planning to join them today since they already recorded his parts earlier in the morning, but once Seungmin’s laughter dies down and gets replaced with very suspicious silence, Changbin comes to the conclusion that it’s best to not test his luck and leaves the dorm after a quick shower too.
When the cold air of the evening streets hits his face, those random Hyunjin’s words start to echo in his mind again, and though it doesn’t take long to walk to the company building, all this time the only thing that’s on his mind is revisiting all the memories that they’ve shared with Felix lately. These weren’t a lot, much to his dismay, because ever since they moved dorms and got separate schedules on their plate at once, each day packed with important solo activities, the only time they met was the time when they were all together, and that didn’t leave much room for private moments.
Truthfully, though he still has no idea what their beloved ferret boy meant earlier, Changbin catches himself thinking that he wouldn’t mind having Felix keep him company now. He tries not to think that it has to do with the uncontrollable jealousy that sparks and starts burning somewhere deep in his chest whenever Hyunjin and Seungmin act all lovey-dovey in front of him.
Changbin also knows that he must be honest at least with himself, so he kicks a stone that’s on his way and, grimacing from the pain it sends to his toes in revenge, admits that he is jealous and wishes that he could have the same with Felix.
////
A few days later, however, Changbin slowly starts to understand what exactly Hyunjin was trying to tell him with those words that he already forgot by the time he got back home from the studio at sunrise. Changbin starts to notice, and it only makes him feel worse, because his feelings for Felix, though not subtle and surprising for anyone at this point, were supposed to stay in secret and this… ruins it all.
For everyone but Felix, it seems, so he sighs in relief and puts on his brightest fake smile whenever Felix is around, pretending that it wasn’t him who served as the inspiration behind the song that was included in their latest album. Words came to Changbin sooner than he even opened the notes on his phone to write them down, and it was perhaps the easiest song that he’s ever written, because he was writing from experience.
It happened after yet another evening of having Felix sprawled all over him like a soft melting marshmallow during their monthly group movie marathon, when Felix kept testing his heart with those gentle touches and his nose buried in the crook of Changbin’s neck, quiet giggles sending shivers down his spine every time something funny happened on the screen.
For Changbin, this, as well as the three years before that, was another challenge to sit through without blurting out that he loved Felix perhaps more than working out, which is just impossible to imagine for most of his friends. For Felix, though, it meant nothing, because Changbin has always been his reliable hyung, the best older brother, maybe even beating Chan in that sometimes, and just overall a good friend — and these touches, gestures and words around friends are such a norm for him that Felix does all that unconsciously, never second-guessing any of his actions.
That was what gave birth to Sorry, I Love You, yet another song about Felix that was especially ironic to work on after writing a beautiful love song together with him. The love wasn’t meant for them, so Changbin just swallowed the bitter aftermath of this and once again swore to keep his feelings to himself only, not even sharing them with Chan or Jisung despite them surely suspecting or maybe even knowing that something was up.
It’s always been easy to notice that something was clearly up, because Changbin was often openly conflicted about it: on the one hand, he wanted to follow his principles and confess regardless of the outcome, but on the other hand, Felix seemed so carefree and so blissfully unaware of those feelings that eventually Changbin chose to only write love songs about that.
This worked like a clock for some time, because ignoring the overflowing love that he has for every little detail about Felix wasn’t so hard with their crazy schedule: as much as he loves Felix, realistically that love can still never come before the basic needs like food and sleep — or maybe it’s just that Changbin isn’t romantic enough for it. This worked, but now, after hearing that light-hearted teasing from Hyunjin’s side that most likely was only meant to stay that way, it’s becoming hard for him, because he really starts to notice.
“Do you seriously think that it’s funny?” Changbin nearly growls at Minho, who decided that stupid jokes in between their dance practice rounds would lift up their spirits.
Usually, Changbin wouldn’t even pay attention to this, or maybe he would laugh along, because that is how things are between them in the team, but in the past week they’ve all been on edge. If this method works for Minho, it’s probably great, and logically, Changbin knows that Minho is under as much pressure as he is, if not more, but thinking straight is hard when you’re exhausted and so riled up, so he ends up raising his voice more than on other occasions when they’re just playing around.
“Hyung, you’re crossing the line,” Jisung dares to call him out while Chan cautiously watches from the side, ready to step in if necessary but trusting them to handle it peacefully.
“It’s okay, Hannie, we’re all a bit sensitive right now, it’s my bad,” Minho assures, but Jisung keeps glaring at him expectantly, and, predictably, Changbin loses it again.
“Well, maybe you should’ve thought about this sooner,” he bites back, completely ignoring Minho’s raised eyebrows and Jisung’s frown.
This fight, although it’s hard to call it one, is really meaningless and makes no sense, but they all know that once Changbin blows up, it’s hard to stop the eruption of his emotional volcano until it naturally dies down. He tries to control himself, and he’s also fully aware that it really is him in the wrong now, but there are moments when all the lines become blurred and he can’t do anything about it other than force himself to shut up, but even then the fire of anger keeps burning inside and hurting him.
But there is a cure to it, something that Changbin previously preferred to not treat as such and even barely noticed how different his reaction was to this compared to all the other attempts to calm him down. This cure is found in the small hands that wrap around his waist from behind, enveloping him in their safe embrace, the cure lies in the pretty blond head that gently bonks him on the shoulder, it is in the warm smile that Felix gifts to him and no one else at that moment.
“Changbinnie-hyung, relax, it’s not worth getting so worked up over it,” Felix murmurs in his ear, and somehow just his voice alone is already enough to make Changbin’s tense shoulders fall in a comforting sense of relief.
He glances over at the other side of the room, where Jisung is holding Minho’s hand and telling him something while giggling and playing with Minho’s fingers, and that sight instantly makes him feel bad for once again giving in to his exhaustion and letting emotions take control of his words and actions. Changbin makes a note to apologize later, when they’ve both calmed down after this little argument and when Jisung stops trying to burn a hole in him with his gaze, and for now turns around to nod at Felix and thank him quietly.
“We only have another hour before it’s over and then you can sleep it away,” Felix promises, chirping so brightly as though there aren’t deep dark circles under his own eyes.
Changbin isn’t really going to get much sleep tonight, because there is still work to be done in the studio, and then it’s already a new day full of dance practice and filming all sorts of content for when they do finally get a short break. He isn’t complaining about this lifestyle in the slightest, though understands that it’s not anywhere near to being healthy, because he lives his dream and is ready to do anything for it, but some days are just harder than others, and that is when Felix inevitably comes to the rescue.
Sometimes Changbin wonders how Felix can read his mood so well, even lets himself bask in the hope that maybe Felix pays so much attention to him because Changbin is more than just a responsible and reliable big hyung for him, but those hopes never last long. Changbin is a realist, and he knows that the fact that Hyunjin and Seungmin are secretly dating is an exception and not the rule, and even with whatever this relationship is between Minho and Jisung, chances for Felix reciprocating his feelings are almost below zero.
Felix is bisexual, his mind reminds him on some nights. Felix loves everyone, Changbin thinks to himself on those nights, but he will never love me.
“You’re an angel,” he ends up blurting out, and the silence that follows it in the next few moments is so loud that Changbin is almost sure that everyone in the room can hear how fast his heart starts beating after saying that.
“I know, hyung,” Felix then laughs, and as cheesy as it is, his laugh sounds like music to Changbin’s ears — god damn he is so whipped. “Don’t listen to the demon then.”
But what can Changbin do about it when the demon appears on his shoulder every time he is around Felix?
////
That week is packed with stressful events, so, as days fly by, Changbin keeps noticing how Felix is always around him during the heated moments, and how even when he snaps so hard that he hits the nearest wall in frustration (they never fight with each other anymore, but it just couldn’t wait until he would get to the gym), he still instantly and almost unconsciously relaxes in Felix’s arms.
One of these evenings, after yet another small argument with Jisung, right when Changbin is about to head to the studio and let it all out in writing some aggressive lyrics (not because of Jisung, but because he is so damn drained right now), Felix catches him by the sleeve of his hoodie. Everyone else has already left the practice room after making sure that Changbin and Jisung apologized to each other, but Changbin took his time to avoid having to talk about it with Chan, and Felix… was apparently waiting for him.
Changbin sighs when Felix gently places his palms behind the tense shoulder blades, but doesn’t say anything for this short moment of peace, lets Felix take away all the anger and exhaustion out of his body, replacing it with lighter feelings. Among those feelings there is hope, and, as much as Changbin hates doing that to the person he loves most, even if discreetly, he has to shake that stupid hope away before it blooms through his chest like a sword, and that means shaking off Felix’s hands too.
“You need to get some rest, come spend the night with me?” Felix doesn’t just ask, he pleads, and Changbin would rather hurt himself a million times than ever hurt him, so he can’t say no.
“I don’t want to stress the others out with my grumpy face,” he still tries, grimacing at the unpleasant shot of pain in his shoulder as he picks up the bag. “They already see it every day, and I’m better off in our dorm where nobody leaves their room.”
But deep down Changbin knows that Felix wouldn’t be suggesting this if he didn’t have everything planned out already, and, just like always, Felix doesn’t disappoint him with that.
“Seungmin is over at your dorm tonight, he found some new drama and they’re planning to binge it with Hyunjin since we only have group schedule in the afternoon tomorrow,” he reports, and with each word the knot of mixed feelings inside of Changbin’s chest gets even tighter — only to be pulled apart later, as always.
“And what about Jeongin?” Changbin asks, because they all know that their youngest isn’t a fan of going out, especially not after such a tiring day.
“Recording his new cover with Chan, they’ll probably take a while. Minho… out with Jisung, they’re in their own world as always, but I highly doubt that he’s coming back home tonight. The dorm is all ours, and I want to see your grumpy face and make it less grumpy. Please?”
Changbin nods, because he absolutely can’t deny this boy anything, and when Felix beams at that, almost squealing with joy, he wonders for a second how can he still be so bright when all they do every single day is practice, film new things and always worry, worry, worry about how everything is going to go and how it will be accepted. It only lasts a second, however, because then he notices a hint of tiredness on Felix’s face too and lets himself be weak just this once, grabbing his small hand and volunteering to get them a taxi.
The ride only takes them ten minutes, but it’s certainly much better than walking through the streets after such a tiring day with a heavy bag on one shoulder and Felix clinging onto his other shoulder like a small affectionate kitten. They don’t really talk, only exchanging a few phrases about their plans for tomorrow, but Changbin doesn’t need any words when he’s with Felix — in fact, he would be happy to just sit side by side and enjoy their time together, and that would already be enough.
When they do get to the dorm, however, it feels weird: not in a bad way, and yet Changbin almost starts to regret agreeing to this, because it’s been… a while since they got the chance to have a few hours like this, just between them with no one else interrupting it. Felix turns on the lights everywhere he can reach, though it’s still somehow his tired smile that shines the brightest for Changbin, and then offers the brownies that he made yesterday as he pours them both some water.
He stands at the counter with his back facing Changbin when the question is asked, and though this causes a million other questions in his mind, Changbin doesn’t dare to ask — it all becomes clear from the way Felix grips his mug, muscles all getting tense in a blink.
“How did you—”
“I couldn’t quite fall asleep yesterday,” Felix cuts off, and this is where Changbin stops the unnecessary interrogation. “If you’re not hungry, we could go to my room.”
Changbin is actually hungry, he always is, but tonight this feeling gets pushed somewhere to the back of his mind somehow, so he says no to the brownies and quietly follows Felix to his room. It’s cozy, though still slightly empty, and the purple lights make the atmosphere feel even more intimate than it would already be, but what draws Changbin’s attention isn’t this, but the long pillow with his face on.
It’s not a secret to anyone that Felix claimed this pillow as his because of how soft and nice it was, and though they never really understood why he loved it so much, it was just his tiny quirk that no one could judge him for. Judge him for that — never, but Changbin is still confused, feeling somewhat embarrassed when one of the members brings that up, and, above it all, he sometimes even feels jealous of a damn pillow.
Back when they still lived together and shared a room, Felix would often crawl into his bed at night, totally unaware of how his clinginess made Changbin feel, and they slept together plenty of times for it to become a habit, of sorts. After moving out and getting their own rooms, it’s been hard for Felix to adjust, because he ended up living with people who valued their personal space a lot more than others. One night would go well, no one would kick him out of their bed for feeling homesick and wanting to cuddle, but asking for more was rude — at least that’s what Felix said — and he ended up sleeping with this pillow instead.
And yet, Changbin can’t help feeling this odd jealousy inside when Minho or Jeongin tease Felix about hugging that pillow so tight early in the morning as though his whole life depends on that. Is that because he wants to be that pillow, or rather, wants to go back in time and have Felix slip into his bed every other night again? Maybe.
“Would you like a massage?” Felix offers, innocent as ever, and lightly pushes the pillow towards him, making Changbin raise his eyebrows at that.
“Seriously?” he laughs. “I’m not placing my body on— that.”
“Why not?” Felix looks genuinely confused for a second. “It’s just a pillow, it’ll be easier this way.”
“It’s not just a pillow, it’s a pillow with my face on it,” Changbin grumbles and carefully throws it to Felix’s other, normal pillows to get it out of his way.
Felix doesn’t comment on that, but Changbin can still almost see how he’s rolling his eyes, though most definitely with a fond smile on his face — that’s just how he is, never actually mad or annoyed. Sometimes Changbin catches himself wondering how someone so pure like Felix can even live in this cruel world, always surrounded by people who will want to use him and his innocent kindness. At such times, Changbin is also afraid that he might accidentally corrupt Felix too, stain his angelic personality with some of the darkness that he inevitably carries inside.
Minho often jokes that Felix needs to start taking money for giving massages to Changbin nearly every day — between practicing that new choreo, at their dorm which requires him to actually come over just to help Changbin with his sore back, or sometimes even in the studio when he knows that Changbin’s been working on music for a long time without taking breaks.
They usually all laugh at this, but maybe it’s actually true, because on nights like this, when they’re both extremely exhausted and want nothing but a few hours of rest, Changbin starts seriously wondering whether he’s abusing Felix’s friendly kindness and why Felix even keeps doing it for him.
However, he can never turn down an offer like this, because Felix’s eyes are burning with determination and sparkling with something akin to love in those moments, and he sure knows how to be threatening when he wants to — they both understand that Changbin needs that, and why say no when Felix is willing to give it to him?
“Can I take off your hoodie?” Felix asks carefully as he places his hands over Changbin’s back and gently touches him through the thick fabric. “It’ll feel better if I do.”
“Y-yeah,” Changbin’s voice almost gives him away, so he tries again, this time firmly. “Yeah, sure.”
He completely forgets at this moment that he could perfectly do it himself and lets Felix pull it over his head, revealing his body for the pink and purple lights of the room to dance around his skin. It’s just a massage, and they’ve seen each other topless, naked, even, so many times that it’s now impossible to count them all, but somehow Changbin still feels a bit self-conscious under Felix’s curious gaze. The fact that Felix really loves his body is not a secret for anyone, and Changbin knows that there is a lot to admire and love about it, but it does feel— somewhat embarrassing when it’s just the two of them off camera.
Changbin barely holds back a groan of a whole mixture of feelings when Felix starts massaging his body in all the right places — there’s relief, pleasure, there’s pain and tiredness, uncertainty, sleepiness and, somehow, even love. Is he weird for thinking about how much he loves Felix and never wants to see him hurt even when Felix is straddling his hips with that serious face, fingers flying all across his bare back? Perhaps he is.
What else can he think about, though, when this is the only thing seeping through his brain, mind, body, whole being?
“You know, hyung….” Felix murmurs, voice so low and quiet that Changbin thanks the universe and whatever gods there might be for letting him rest on the bed instead of standing. “This is probably none of my business, I understand, but— I can feel that there’s something bothering you a lot.”
“Just tired, that’s all,” Changbin lies and then actually does let out a groan when Felix’s hands press on a particularly tense spot. “You don’t have to worry about me, Lixie.”
“I don’t have to,” Felix echoes. “But I do. I do worry about you. You mean a lot to me, hyung, more than— more than you can imagine.”
Changbin’s breath hitches at these words and he buries his face deeper in the blanket, inhaling the scent of Felix’s favorite fabric softener and wondering how crazy it will look if he slaps himself on the cheeks a few times to shake away the stupid hope flying through his heart like a proud bird at sunset. But he is damn tired, surviving only on coffee and heavy responsibilities in these past few days, so he doesn’t quite control his thoughts that move past the filter and get shaped into words.
“What is that supposed to mean?” he asks, freezing as well when Felix stops moving and leaves both hands on Changbin’s shoulder.
The wait only lasts a few seconds, but those seconds feel like hours for Changbin, because for some reason instead of just bringing comfort Felix’s palms leave burning scorches on his skin now. Feelings start boiling inside, like dragon fire that is only restrained by those tiny hands on his back — it makes him go back to all the moments when Felix’s hands were the only barrier between his anger and the members, but Changbin forces himself to stay patient and stop thinking, just floating past the questions in his mind.
“It’s all very… complicated,” Felix tells him, albeit hesitant, and slowly gets back to the massage. “I think that you should know about it, you deserve to, but I’m… I don’t want you to judge me, or anything to change between us if you start to pity me.”
“Yongbok-ah,” Changbin raises his head a little but doesn’t dare to turn around, not ready to lock eyes with Felix just yet, relaxing under his touches instead. “I believe we’ve been through this enough times for you to already remember that I’m not going to judge you. Ever. I’ll even help you hide the body if necessary, because it’s… you.”
For now, his own feelings become transparent and irrelevant: Changbin may be hopelessly in love, but he knows how to forget about it when Felix needs him — as a friend, a teacher, anyone, really. When Felix has something on his mind, keeps it bottled up for a long time and then finally feels comfortable enough to reveal it, share it with him or other members, labels suddenly become not so important.
He loves Felix with all his heart, that is true, but nothing really changes if he switches into his reliable hyung mode, he just doesn’t want to accidentally hurt Lix with a stream of his accidental love confessions — Felix needs him, not his love in that sense.
“I appreciate it a lot, but it’s also exactly the problem,” Felix chuckles sadly, and at this moment Changbin wishes that he could see Felix’s face instead of looking at the blanket in fear and frustration. “You still treat me like I’m a kid, but I’m not anymore, I’m a grown up man. You notice that even in Jeongin, who is supposed to be the youngest, but never in me, and that really upsets me. I want you— to notice that.”
Changbin nearly stops breathing when he hears Felix say that with so much pain in his tone, but when he tries to turn onto his back, sit upright, Felix wordlessly asks him not to, shows that with his hands — those small hands that hold the entire universe for Changbin. His mind, hazy and sleepy just ten minutes ago, starts processing a million thoughts at the same time, all of them mixing, tangling together and transforming in the bright neon realization that no matter how hard he tried to protect Felix from himself, he still somehow managed to hurt his biggest treasure in the world.
But before he gets to fully spiral into that loop, Felix stops all his thoughts by placing both hands on his biceps and slowly, gently traces them with his fingers. Those feather-like touches having nothing to do with the massage, they’re reluctant, they’re curious, and they’re almost driving Changbin crazy because he can’t quite figure out why Felix is doing this.
“There is… a reason why no one is here tonight,” Felix then shares, voice barely above a whisper, and Changbin starts to worry that the goosebumps on his skin are going to completely give him away. “They all had things to do, but not necessarily tonight, I just wanted to take care of you and share something with you. It might further complicate everything, but Channie-hyung said that it’s really worth a shot.”
“Well, if Channie-hyung said so, then he’s most likely right.”
“I hope that I’m not making the biggest mistake of my life by telling you this,” Felix murmurs, somewhat shy and even scared, making Changbin want to cuddle him for the rest of the night. “You mean more to me than a brother, and it might be the worst time to tell you about it, but I just can’t keep it to myself any longer. I like you. A lot. I look at you every day and think about how much I would like to kiss you.”
For Changbin, the world freezes at that moment. He’s always laughed at this metaphor, believing that it was way too romanticized, but right now he witnesses that with his entire being. Felix is confessing to him. While sitting on top of him when he is half-naked. Felix is… confessing to him? He got everyone out of the dorm for the night just to tell him about it. Felix is— confessing? He wants to kiss—
If this is a dream, then Changbin never wants to wake up from it, but for now, for Felix, he finally manages to sit upright and look at Felix, who starts playing with the sleeves of his own huge hoodie, so small and cuddly like a newborn kitty. He doesn’t dare to look at Changbin, perhaps afraid of seeing something akin to confusion or even disgust on his face, so Changbin has to take everything into his hands.
“Hey little one, look at me,” he carefully tilts Felix’s chin up, almost getting lost in the constellation of freckles scattered across Felix’s cheeks before he even looks up to see galaxies just as bright twinkling in his eyes. “Channie-hyung was right: you have nothing to worry about, and I’ve been an idiot all this time.”
“What?” Felix blinks up at him, slightly dumbfounded, and Changbin can’t hold back a fond laugh.
“I’ve been writing love songs about you nearly since the time when we made our debut,” words come easily, because now the weight of them isn’t so heavy anymore. “I never meant to confess, though a big part of me wanted you to know about it too, because it felt… wrong to put my feelings onto you like this. There’s a lot going on all the time, and honestly, you’re just too— you’re an angel, really. I didn’t want to break your wings with this.”
“You’re speaking in song lyrics even now,” Felix giggles and then, just a second later, Changbin finds himself with a handful of Felix on his lap, nose buried in his neck, squeezing him as tight as he can as though Changbin is going to disappear if he doesn’t. “This makes me so happy, just knowing it. I don’t need anything else right now.”
“Not even a kiss?” Changbin teases, though his palms start sweating just at the thought of it, and the fact that Felix is clinging onto him still topless isn’t helping here at all.
They don’t need to say anything more about it — just this confession alone is already enough for tonight, and the rest will come later. They never needed to exchange a lot of words to understand each other anyway, but it’s not about this right now: the only correct way to have a healthy relationship lies in communication, so they will have a dozen conversations about it later, and for now… cuddles will do a better job.
“A real kiss?” Felix almost squeals with joy, and Changbin barely holds back the urge to just lean forward and kiss him on the lips.
Instead, he gives a nod and then carefully untangles Felix’s limbs from his body and lies down on his stomach again, quietly complaining about his back still feeling sore all over. Felix is clearly unhappy with that, which he expresses in a light slap on his shoulder, but then gets back to giving him the much needed massage, making Changbin groan for real with how well Felix knows his body by now.
“Promise me that we’ll kiss all night after I’m done,” Felix whines, probably pouting as he says that, and once again Changbin finds himself absolutely incapable of saying no to this boy.
So maybe Hyunjin was right, after all, and he is cute whenever he is around Felix, because apparently love has turned him into a fool — but only for Felix, and he feels beyond grateful for that. He still doesn’t think that they could easily get to where they finally are now if they talked about it earlier, though, because all things like this happen only when people are ready to embrace them, and before tonight… neither of them was, but they have arrived at this stop now and can continue this journey together.
Changbin will make sure that Felix never regrets loving him, because Felix is the brightest beam of hope and happiness for him even on the darkest nights.
Only Felix falls asleep right on top of him even before getting the kiss that he’s been asking for so desperately… There will be time for that later, Changbin decides, kissing him on the forehead instead, and this realization along with having Felix in his arms, the pillow forgotten somewhere on the floor, helps him have a peaceful sleep for the first time in weeks, too.
There will be time for everything that they need to catch up on.