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Taemin is staring at himself in the mirror, unheeding the frenetic agitation all around. His peripheral vision is a blur and all the questions, all the comments, all the pieces of advice that friends and family throw at him ring in his ears in an incomprehensible cacophony.
He's staring at himself, stunned that the makeup artist managed to conceal the dark circles under his eyes so well. He couldn't sleep the previous night; his heart couldn't stop pounding.
It's silly and he shouldn't be so surprised to look that good today. He's worked with makeup artists for so long, he's seen them working miracles even more arduous on his face too many times to keep count. But today is special, more special than his debut with SHINee, more special than his solo debut, more special than any other day. He's lost in thoughts, looking at everything, at everyone as if he was looking at them behind glass. From someplace far away.
He's stunned to look so good.
There are glitters on his eyelids, and his lips shine with a soft pink. But the makeup artist made sure not to hide the shape of his upper lip. Taemin was very concerned about it because Jongin loves his upper lip dearly and it is particularly important today to look pretty for Jongin.
Some parts of his long hair are braided. Small stems of lilacs have been tied in his dark strands; it was Kibum's idea. He told Taemin that the light purple of the flowers would complement his eyes and also match his white and lavender wedding suit.
He can't wait for Jongin to see him. He can't wait to see Jongin. He can't wait for them to get married, for the rings they chose together to be on their fingers. He can't wait to say his vows out loud and kiss Jongin and hear Jinki sing the song Minho wrote for them.
His heart is pounding again in a mix of excitement and apprehension. He's already picturing everything, or trying to. Jongin struggled to keep his outfit a secret and Taemin knows it has lace. He knows it is white and golden. He knows the jacket is long enough, peculiar enough, to look like a dress.
He remembers Jongin sitting on their couch with red cheeks, fumbling with his fingers, not meeting his eyes, asking if Taemin would be okay with that.
"Because... you know... it's a church... and I know how important it is for you," Jongin had whispered. "Some people might talk-..."
Taemin had shut him up with a kiss. One so loving and passionate that they had ended up pressing their foreheads together, smiling, catching up their breath like teenagers in movies.
"Let them talk. If anyone has anything to say about seeing you in a dress, they can fuck off. I mean it. I don't want them in our life."
There isn't anything in this world that Taemin would keep away from Jongin if it made him happy; and certainly not a white and gold jacket that looks like a dress. He can't wait to see it. He can't wait to see his fiancé looking gorgeous in his almost-dress, walking down the aisle on his mother's arm.
Taemin is all jittery again. His heart squeezes and twists. Then, there's a hand wrapping around his wrist and he finally hears Kibum's voice. His best man is right next to him but he sounds as if he's miles away. Underwater.
"Taemin? Taeminnie? Oy!"
Taemin blinks. Once, twice, thrice. He hadn't realized he had tears in his eyes, but now Kibum is patting his cheeks with a tissue, mumbling something about ruined makeup.
"Hyung?"
His voice wavers a little and Kibum stops to look at him calmly.
"What do you need?" Kibum asks kindly.
Taemin is so grateful for Kibum. He's always been grateful to have him in his life – maybe some days more than others but still – but lately, more than ever. He cannot imagine what he would have done without him, without his constant support, without his help, without his calming presence among the storm of preparations and people pressing themselves around him. The two months of wedding preparation went smoothly only because of Kim Kibum.
"I want to talk to Jonginnie," Taemin murmurs shyly.
It's silly and also complicated, Taemin knows that. They're about to get married in just thirty minutes. They both need to get ready without seeing each other. The guests are about to enter the church and get seated. Taemin needs to hop into his suit, and maybe he should repeat his vows one last time, that'd be better, just to make sure he hasn't forgotten them. But he wants Jongin. Immediately. Not in thirty minutes, in the church, in front of all their friends and family. He wants Jongin now, to calm down his pounding heart. He wants Jongin to walk down the stairs and hallways separating them and talk to him.
They haven't seen each other in the last three hours and Taemin is losing it.
Kibum nods and a wave of relief immediately washes over Taemin.
"Thank you," he says with a faint smile.
There was never, in any wedding, a better best man than Kibum, Taemin is sure of it. He watches him as Kibum straightens up and shouts for everyone to leave the room immediately, not paying attention to any protest. He shields Taemin from questions and startled looks, he forces them all out.
"Wait behind the room divider, okay? I'll bring him so you two can talk."
Taemin is twisted on his chair, looking at Kibum as he disappears and closes the door behind him.
The quiet in the room is so deep and sudden that it is almost oppressing. Taemin jolts away from his seat and hurries behind the screen.
For a moment, he paces back and forth, looking up every time he hears voices or footsteps in the hallway, but the door's handle doesn't turn and Jongin doesn't arrive. Taemin closes his eyes and begins humming Jongin's song, Vanilla, to calm down. It helps, even if just slightly.
But then he feels silly again and he halts, sits down on the floor, and hugs himself. He doesn't quite understand his sudden nervousness, his doubts, his need for reassurance, because ever since that night, just six years ago, when he confessed to Jongin with bated breath and teary eyes because he truly, truly couldn't hold back his love anymore, ever since Jongin kissed him and promised he loved him back with everything he had, Taemin has never questioned it. Even when they fight and even when they are unable to meet for weeks, through thick and thin, Taemin knows that Jongin loves him. It's easy to see and easy to feel, so natural and genuine that Taemin wouldn't ever think of questioning it. It's loud and bright in everything that Jongin does, in everything he says, in the way he looks at Taemin and moves around him. Loving each other is part of them, inherent to their very being.
So why is he suddenly so afraid? Now, of all times.
The door opens and Taemin sucks in a breath, wide eyes staring at the wall in front of him.
"Taeminnie?"
Taemin exhales loudly in relief. Jongin's voice sounds concerned but calm. Gentle. Tender as always. Taemin leans in slightly to shake his small hand away from the room divider, so Jongin can see him.
"Kibum told me to hide because I already got my makeup done," Taemin says softly.
The door closes, then Taemin hears the sound of fabric being pushed away, and hurried tiny steps.
Jongin kneels on the other side of the wide wooden screen and takes his hand, laces their fingers, and squeezes.
"My makeup isn't finished yet," Jongin whispers, and Taemin can hear the smile in his voice. "I'm half-dressed and my makeup artist screamed when Kibum barged in."
"I'm sorry," Taemin gasps.
"It's okay. She's had to redo it twice because I kept crying."
Jongin rubs his thumb over the back of Taemin's hand in a soothing caress.
"Happy tears?"
"Happy tears," Jongin sighs. "Moonkyu said I should just give up and come without any makeup. He also stuffed tissues in my pocket. You're going to marry me with puffy red eyes, I'm afraid."
"I'd marry you in a potato bag and covered in soot, Kim Jongin."
Jongin lets out a small laugh and Taemin's heart soar at the sound of it.
They sit next to each other in silence for a minute and Taemin closes his eyes, relishing the moment. Today is so hectic, so busy, so frightening, that he almost forgot why he's doing all of this. It's all for Jongin; the man he can sit in silence with for hours and be happy about it.
"What's wrong, Taem?"
Taemin bit his lips and squeezes his eyes shut a little more tightly.
"I suddenly got so nervous..." he confesses in a whisper.
"Why?"
"It's dumb, I know it's dumb... but I just-... you know, I-..."
"Tell me."
"Are you sure you want to marry me?"
The answer comes before Taemin finishes his sentence. Jongin's voice is calm and certain. Grounding.
"I do."
"But-... won't you regret it, one day? Listen, it's like-... you know, in the movies, sometimes, you see two people who got married to other people but they weren't in love with them. And so, one day, they realize that they should have married their childhood best friends or so and they realize they got it all wrong and they regret not spending their lives with the one they were truly in love with all along. And then, they get a divorce and they marry their one true love and we all think it's super romantic that they could find each other again after all those years, but what happens to their ex? The one who also really loved them...? And I've just been thinking... what if you wake up in ten years and you realize you should have married someone else and you regret all your life with me? What would I do then, Jongin?"
Taemin is shaking a little. His anxiety is peaking as if it is certain that now, Jongin will realize things and say that the wedding is off. But all Taemin hears is a small giggle.
"But Taeminnie... you are my childhood best friend."
That answer is so simple and yet so true that both Taemin and his overwhelming anxiety are stunned into silence.
"I've been in love with you forever," Jongin says sweetly. "You're the one I would regret not marrying. You're the only one I ever wanted and will ever want to marry."
"Am I?" Taemin stammers.
Jongin hums cutely and Taemin is so close to crying. But Kibum would be heartbroken if Taemin ruined his makeup before the ceremony and so, for him, he sucks it up.
"What kind of movie have you been watching lately to get this worked up?" Jongin asks.
"I haven't-... it wasn't lately. It wasn't even me. It was your sister... you know, back then, when we were kids and I kept crashing at your place, she was always watching those sappy movies. I just thought back on that."
"You're silly."
"I know."
Jongin lifts their hands and presses a small kiss on Taemin's knuckles.
"But Jongin-..."
"Yes?"
"Do you remember my cousin's wedding? We went there two years ago..."
"I remember. What about it?"
"A couple of days after the wedding, she told me that something sad had happened. At her wedding, I mean. Her husband drank a little too much, and late in the night... I didn't see it but she told me... he danced to their song, you know, their song, with someone else. On their wedding night. It broke her heart. It broke my cousin's heart. And then, she forgave him because he apologized and that was all. But the way she told me... the look on her face when she told me how miserable it made her... You won't do that, will you? You won't dance to 'Can't Stop Loving You' with someone else? Not tonight and not ever?"
"What a fucking asshole," Jongin blurts out and Taemin jolts slightly.
"Yes," he agrees. "Yes, he is."
"I would never do that. I would never. You know that."
Taemin nods slowly and sighs.
He remembers being sixteen and desperately in love with Jongin already. He remembers dancing with him all night in the quiet practice room, sleeping there together, talking through the night, and falling asleep at dawn in each other's arms. He remembers pining for his best friend with all the strength in his young body. And he remembers the look on Jongin's face that day, in the subway, while they were going back home. They were sharing earphones and listening to music on Jongin's phone. Jongin played that stupid song from Phil Collins and none of them spoke English well enough to realize it was a break-up song. All they heard, all they understood, was the romantic chorus. They kept stealing glances at each other and Taemin listened to the song on repeat for months, thinking back on Jongin's thigh pressing against his as they had sat next to each other in the subway carriage. He listened to it endlessly as he pondered about his devastating feelings for his best friend.
Jongin had admitted, years later, once they were already dating, that playing that song had been his first lame and unsuccessful attempt at confessing his feelings.
It's their song and Jongin would never dance to it with anyone else.
"I won't share my earphones with anyone else so they can listen to it," Jongin teases.
"Promise?"
Jongin untangles their hands to cross their pinky fingers.
"I promise," he smiles.
Taemin sighs and leans his head against the room divider.
"I want to kiss you," he pouts.
"Soon," Jongin grins.
Jongin cups Taemin's hand in his and strokes his fingers, his palm, his wrist.
"Thanks for coming," Taemin whispers. "I don't know why I got so anxious all of a sudden... It was all really dumb."
Jongin hums softly and before he even opens his mouth, Taemin knows he'll find the right words to comfort him. Because that's Jongin's thing. He finds the words and never belittles Taemin's stupid, anxious feelings.
"I'll always come when you need me. Wherever you are. I'll crawl or come on my knees if I have to. You know that. To the end of the world."
"You're being dramatic."
"It's an emotional day," Jongin muses. "We've been waiting for it for so long... there are so many people around, so many things to think about. It's okay to be nervous. I got nervous too, I almost barged in twenty minutes ago just to ask if you were sure you liked me liked me, you know."
Taemin scoffs.
"What held you back?"
"I remembered you were the one who proposed to me."
"Fair point."
"You were also the one who confessed to me so I have important moments as proof that you're definitely into me."
"I can't believe I had to do everything myself."
"You were just quicker. I had plans for both occasions but you ruined them both," Jongin reminds him sourly.
He really did. Jongin had planned his proposal for months. Months. Trying to get both their packed schedules to somehow fit and work together. He had planned a whole short trip, had warned all of their friends so none would think about tagging in (Jongin didn't mind when any of their friends joined them on fun trips, he usually even loved it, but that time was supposed to be very special). He had found the perfect engagement ring, had brought Taemin to Greece, had put together different activities for Taemin to choose each morning depending on his mood because that's how they liked it both. He had waited for Taemin to decide they'd go diving on the shore of a nearby island so they'd do what he knew his boyfriend loved best, that's when Taemin would be the happiest, then Jongin would propose on the beach, hopefully when the sun would be setting on the sea and everything would have been damn perfect.
Except that Jongin had added a day visiting museums, just so Taemin wouldn't grow suspicious of his plans. And of course, Taemin had picked that one first (Sehun said it was gross how they always just wanted to make each other happy). They had gone to get ice creams after strolling in art galleries for three hours and Taemin had stopped in a tiny shop to buy a keychain with a bear on it that he had seen on the display. And then he had proposed to Jongin right there, with a wide grin and shiny eyes, while Jongin was holding both of their ice creams and had vanilla smeared all over his lips. Spontaneously. He didn't even have a damn ring so when Jongin started crying and sobbing yes, Taemin had just pushed the keychain on his ring finger while giggling. Jongin wanted to be mad at everything, but the whole thing was so Taemin... And he was very much in love with Taemin. Enough to think that that proposal was cute and endearing and romantic. (He still pouted later and whined that Taemin had ruined all of his efforts; and when they went scuba diving and the sky and sea turned pink in the evening, Taemin pretended to be shocked when Jongin gave him his engagement ring. Jongin had groaned and hit him and they had ended up half-wrestling, half-kissing on the sand.)
Taemin is grinning now too. But before he can tease Jongin further, they hear a short knock on the door, followed by Kibum's voice.
"Guys? Are you done?"
"Five more minutes, Mom," Jongin shouts and Taemin snorts.
Kibum swears and curses them both, but then he goes away and Taemin squeezes Jongin's hand softly.
"You should go though," Taemin says softly and Jongin can hear the smile in his voice. "We don't wanna keep them all waiting."
"Waiting won't hurt them. Are you okay? Better? Calmer?"
"Yeah," Taemin hums. "I think. My heart is still beating super fast but that's because I just can't wait to see and kiss you."
"If you get nervous, just think about Kkongie."
Taemin laughs and squeezes his eyes shut. Precious. Jongin is far too precious and Taemin loves him so much he thinks he might combust.
"Will do."
Jongin tugs Taemin's hand gently and kisses his knuckles.
"I'll go, then. See you down the aisle."
Jongin's voice is a little tight with emotions and Taemin feels him move around to get up but he can't let go of his hand. It's silly because he feels better and he can't wait to get out and get married but he can't let go. His fingers anxiously tighten around Jongin's.
Jongin immediately stops and sits back.
"Taeminnie?"
Taemin doesn't know what to say. He's blushing with embarrassment and he wants to apologize but words just won't come out. Only a shaky breath leaves his lips.
"Should we go through what happens next?" Jongin asks in that low, tender voice he always uses when Taemin gets too nervous.
Taemin instantly relaxes. It's a soothing, reassuring exercise his therapist told him about a few months ago; Jongin always remembers it. When Taemin gets too anxious over a task to do, Jongin breaks down every step until it seems less overwhelming. Sometimes, Taemin needs it to record a new song, sometimes he needs it to go grocery shopping. He needs it to get up and get married to Jongin, and he's very grateful that Jongin never judges him for it, never gets annoyed by how stressed Taemin can get over seemingly small things.
"Yes, please."
"When you're ready," Jongin begins gently, "I'll get up and leave the room. Kibum will come back to help you out here. We'll have to finish dressing up. Then, you'll find your mom, and you'll walk down the aisle with her. You'll see all of our friends and our families. And you'll join Kibum and Minho in front of the priest and you'll wait for me."
Taemin breathes slow and steady, pictures it all in his head.
"Then, my niece and nephew will walk down and throw flowers everywhere," Jongin smiles. "And the music will change, you remember? And then, I'll be there with my mom. And... honestly, I think I won't really see our friends and families, because I'll be looking only at you and most likely crying. And we'll have to behave and not immediately kiss. But also, if you're not crying a little by the time I'm in front of you, I'll kick you, Lee Taemin."
Taemin chuckles and Jongin squeezes his fingers again.
"Then, the priest will be talking a little, reading the prayers we chose together. Our favorites. Jinki will sing, and I'll be holding your hand the whole time, I'll be right there."
"Then," Taemin whispers shyly, "we'll exchange the rings, right?"
"Yes."
"And then we'll kiss?"
"And then we'll kiss."
"And then?"
"We'll dance," Jongin murmurs fondly. "We'll eat and we'll dance all night long."
"We have to leave the church first. They'll throw flowers at us."
"Oh, right."
"And then, we'll dance," Taemin grins.
"Until we're too tired to keep going."
Taemin leans against the room divider. He is peaceful at last. There isn't much he has to do alone. There will be Kibum right there with him, then his mom, and then Jongin.
"Does that sound okay?" Jongin asks cutely.
Taemin lets go of his hand and nods, even though he knows Jongin can't see him.
"Yes, you can go."
"Promise?"
"Promise. I'll see you soon."
Taemin hears him get up and go away softly like a gentle breeze of warm wind.
"I love you, Lee Taemin," Jongin sings.
He leaves before Taemin can answer.
Slowly, Taemin gets up. He walks back toward the dressing table and when he finally reaches it, Kibum barges into the room, giving orders to the people following him. Taemin barely hears them. He grabs his phone and looks at his locked screen, a picture of Jongin petting and kissing Kkong, and his heart soars in his chest.
When he turns his head to look at Kibum standing right next to him, Taemin is beaming.
"Hyung, I'm going to marry Jonginnie today."
Kibum smiles back at him and cups Taemin's face in his hands.
"You are. You are," he says with teary eyes.
Taemin knows – he knows because it's written all over his friend's face – that Kibum is trying not to sob. He knows Kibum is thinking about that evening, years and years ago, when Taemin came back to the dorm late at night, vibrating with excitement. Kibum and Jonghyun were watching a drama on TV but Taemin planted himself in front of them, uncaring of their protests, beaming with the same ecstatic grin.
"Hyung, I kissed Jonginnie tonight."
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