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They just had their comeback.
What it meant: schedules got rigorous again. There was always something going on, some places to be. Hours were spent inside vehicles in a day, and Mashiro made sure to check on the younger members to ensure they weren’t getting carsick from all the trips they had to take. On the other side, Yujin kept tabs on everyone’s meals, making sure they got to get something into their systems even amidst non-stop movements and instructions—
(Something cold touched her cheek, and Mashiro looked up. Yujin was pressing a can of energy drink to her face, smiling serenely.
“Drink, at least.”
Mashiro lifted an eyebrow. “No nagging to eat the sandwich?” It was distributed among them a moment ago, but all Mashiro felt upon seeing it was the exact opposite of an appetite. She felt close to throwing up, actually.
“Your stomach isn’t feeling well,” Yujin replied knowingly. “I told manager already. They’re getting you something warm, but in the meantime.” Yujin handed her the drink. Mashiro smiled in thanks, accepting it, and Yujin walked off to check on others.)
But anyway, the comeback.
Comeback meant fansigns. And, on a pleasant note: the world had gotten better enough that they could hold offline fansigns now. Not that Mashiro hated online fansigns; secretly, she thought there was some good to be had with First Impact’s fansigns being held entirely online. It sort of eased them into this whole thing—this whole being idols thing.
But being able to physically meet their fans—to feel their excitement and witness their responses to the new album this close—it was a blessing on another level. A reassurance like nothing else. It hyped them so much that sometimes, on their way back to the dorms, they were in some sort of a daze. What happened back there? How did you get that energetic? Hey, you were the one being everywhere! I can’t believe you tricked me into doing— Yah, did you even remember slapping my ass?
It was just something about the energy fansigns created, the reason why they might do things that were unexpected. That’s all Mashiro could tell you if you ever asked.
That’s all Mashiro could tell Xiaoting when the latter cornered her in the kitchen the one night they were back in the dorms miraculously early. Mashiro had just finished rinsing a pack of grapes when Xiaoting loomed over her shoulder and said, with a nonchalant air that was betrayed by the interested quirk of her eyebrows,
“Chaehyun has a crush on you.”
Just like that. Not I think, not it looks like, just a statement said matter-of-factly like it’s a nugget of truth you could verify somewhere in academic journals. Something inside Mashiro’s chest jumped a little at the statement, but she masked it with a light hum as she turned to face Xiaoting, extending a piece of grape towards the taller girl.
“Want some grapes?”
“No denying?” Xiaoting asked, even as she leaned down to eat the offered grape from Mashiro’s fingers.
“Is your source Chaehyunnie herself?”
“No need for source when she’s so obvious about it.”
Mashiro let out an amused huff, plopping one grape into her own mouth. Xiaoting peered at the bowl of grapes—understandable, as they turned to be really sweet and delicious—and Mashiro shifted to let Xiaoting get closer to the fruit.
It bought her time.
Xiaoting wasn’t one to easily get distracted, and she could be really persistent when she wanted to discuss something, or get someone to say something. She would wait an admirable amount of time if it meant getting answers. Even now, Xiaoting was still looking at her intently while consuming grapes.
So no, Mashiro wasn’t looking to distract her by offering her grapes; she was looking to buy some time to think.
“Her saying I’m her current favourite unnie doesn’t mean that she has a crush,” Mashiro said after a while.
Xiaoting snorted. “Shiro,” she said, in a way that made Mashiro feel caught. “Come on. After that fansign where she made a kissy face so close to you? Even then, you know it’s not only that.”
“No?” Mashiro hummed, shrugged. “I mean, eh. Fansigns are… fansigns. All of us do bizarre things during fansigns.”
Xiaoting stared at her for a few seconds, then plucked a grape out of the bowl and offered it to her. Mashiro mirrored what Xiaoting did earlier, and she was in the middle of chewing when Xiaoting said,
“Has anyone ever confessed to you?”
Mashiro choked.
“Oh dear,” Xiaoting said, patting her back. Her eyes were lit up in amusement. “Sorry, sorry. I just—wanted to see if you ever noticed it when someone likes you.”
Mashiro finally got her breathing pipes working again after a few suffocating seconds. “I—” she inhaled a lungful of air, clearing her throat. “What do you mean?”
“Like, without them confessing. Have you ever figured out that someone likes you, without them ever telling you they do?”
Mashiro stared at Xiaoting, who was resting against the countertop. Xiaoting, who probably had too many people liking her that it was impossible not to notice a pattern. Xiaoting, who probably had a thousand times the experience that she would be able to tell whether someone likes her just by spending time together for an hour or something. Xiaoting, who was perspective enough of her members that she could apply those patterns and notice things she shouldn’t have noticed.
Mashiro sighed; Xiaoting was someone she could never play dumb with.
“…I have.”
She’d rather not have Xiaoting bring things up by saying no. It was apparently the right choice to do, too, because Xiaoting then responded with:
“Oh, so then I don’t need to list off things for you, yes?”
Mashiro grabbed two grapes from the bowl and light-heartedly stuffed Xiaoting’s mouth with it. Xiaoting snickered, accepting the physical attempt at shutting her up, though she did move the bowl a bit away from Mashiro’s reach afterwards.
Okay, so of course Mashiro noticed… Chaehyun’s gestures.
She noticed it when Chaehyun offered to feed her fruits and stuffs. She noticed it when Chaehyun occasionally broke off from her ‘gang’—Youngeun and Dayeon—to walk alongside Mashiro or sit by her. She noticed it when Chaehyun kept making jokes in her presence to get her to laugh. She noticed it when Chaehyun occasionally glanced away shyly in the face of Mashiro’s care or praises. She noticed it when Chaehyun beamed over her praise about her vocal, her inability to refuse Mashiro when she requested a song to hear. She noticed it when Chaehyun pulled a prank or some acts of mischief at her, because it got her to relax and momentarily made Chaehyun the sole holder of her attention.
She noticed Chaehyun a lot, thought it would be pretty hard not to.
She wasn’t sure if it’s a crush, but she wouldn’t be surprised if it was.
Xiaoting hummed, apparently content with taking Mashiro's silence as an answer. “What are you going to do about it?”
Mashiro looked up at her, blinking. “What?” She let out a chuckle, leaning over to get another grape. “Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“Would you?” Mashiro queried, drawing away. “Do something about it, if it were you.” Her mind instantly zoned into a certain member, but she held her tongue from saying the name.
Xiaoting hummed again. Mashiro wondered what she was thinking. Then she wondered what was it that made Xiaoting switch topic instead of answering her question,
“What if she just walks up to you and confesses?”
Mashiro was just thankful this question only came up when she hadn’t eaten the grape in her hand. She let out a sigh, tiptoed swiftly to flick Xiaoting’s forehead with her other hand.
“She won’t.”
Xiaoting looked just a little put-out that she wasn't fast enough to avoid the forehead flick. “You don’t know that.”
“She won’t,” Mashiro repeated, finally eating her grape.
Because here’s the thing: their time as a group came with a time limit. The achievements they could reach as Kep1er would only be possible to get during that time. Chaehyun was among the most mature in their group; and with maturity came the understanding that 2.5 years was too short of a time to jeopardize it with things that would just become distractions. Things that weren’t as important as making it in this cutthroat industry. Things that were temporary, like a crush.
Even if Chaehyun didn’t arrive to that conclusion herself, her many talks with Yujin would have directed her to it. Mashiro was sure.
(After all, it was why Yujin didn’t make any move even though she lingered on and around Xiaoting one occasion too many. Even though Xiaoting noticed. Even though Yujin must have known Xiaoting noticed.)
“Fine, then hypothetically—” Mashiro groaned, and Xiaoting grinned. “Hypothetically, Shiro. If a confession happened. What are you going to do?”
“Let’s not entertain the imposs—”
“Pretend I’m her,” Xiaoting said, pushing herself up and standing straight. Mashiro didn’t even bother to tell her that she’s too tall to be Chaehyun. “Shiro-unnie, I like you.” Her voice was too different from Chaehyun’s, too.
Mashiro gave her a shove, shaking her head at the ensuing chuckles. She couldn’t help but smile, though, because at least Xiaoting was taking a great delight from this conversation.
“I would say thank you,” Mashiro said, a moment after most of Xiaoting’s amusement had tapered off.
“Just thank you?” Xiaoting asked, with a knowing look. A knowing look that might as well said that she knew there’s a possibility that hypothetical-Chaehyun’s feelings weren’t entirely one-sided. Because if Mashiro was one hundred percent sure that it was unrequited, then she would have said something about it, did something about it to not lead her on. But—
“What would you say?” Mashiro mumbled, picking out another grape.
Xiaoting tilted her head, seemingly really considering it. Her eyes travelled to the direction of the living room, where some shouts and cheers could be heard, courtesy of the other members playing games and chatting up. Yujin must be there, either joining the games or hanging back to watch over the rest.
Mashiro gazed at her and wondered if this whole conversation wasn’t just about bothering her, if Xiaoting was also trying to gain something from it—if Xiaoting was trying to gain a second perspective.
In the end, Xiaoting sighed.
“…You’re right, I don’t know what to say beyond a thank you, either.”
Mashiro snorted, and Xiaoting threw a grape at her.
(Feelings, stories and movies would tell you, are something to be celebrated. Something to be cherished. But this path Mashiro had taken was one that demanded sacrifice, and feelings were one of such things she would be better off keeping in. Because even if some feelings were mutual, there was a lot at stake. A lot that perhaps it was more responsible to not act on anything, more responsible to pretend it’s not there, more responsible to tuck unnecessary feelings away for 2.5 years, especially if they were to fade away somewhere halfway. It was better to let it fade in silence than to announce it at the risk of ending in disasters. It was only logical. It was the responsible thing to do, surely, right?
It was what responsible people would do.)
“Ting.”
“Hmm?”
The bowl was empty by then. They were leaning against the countertop, just staring at the ceiling and procrastinating on washing off the used bowl.
Mashiro softly said, “No one would confess.”
Xiaoting sighed, a faint smile on her lips. “What a great news,” she said, but both were aware of the unspoken ache behind it.
Near midnight, Mashiro got off her bed and quietly went to the kitchen to get water. The dorm was in a lull, most of its occupants already in bed—even the energetic kids, who had been delighted to be back in the dorms early that they then proceeded to spend hours playing card games and stuffs.
I should check the living room, Mashiro thought absently, emptying her cup of cold water. Just to make sure everything is locked and in place. She’d read one too many horrors about sasaengs and the likes to not be just a tad paranoid about the safety of everyone at times.
She washed the cup, then shortly went on her way to the living room. The first thing she checked was the front door, heaving a relieved breath upon finding the locks were in place, then she turned to inspect the room itself, preparing to tidy up a little if she needed to.
Except nothing seemed out of place, even in dim light. The carpeted floor and tables were tidy, without a single card scattered anywhere. Mashiro padded closer, noticing a lump by the sofa, and stopped in her tracks when the lump shifted and looked at her.
“…Shiro-unnie?”
“Oh,” Mashiro breathed out, only just managing to not freak out. She approached the sofa and asked, “Chaehyun-ah. Why are you still out there?”
The light inside the living room was dim, but Mashiro could still make out Chaehyun’s smile up close. Mashiro furrowed her brows in concern,
“Can’t sleep?”
Chaehyun shook her head. “Um… not entirely. It’s just. Everyone’s asleep and the room got too quiet, so…”
Mashiro hummed. “May I sit?”
Chaehyun blinked. She glanced away, voice lilting a little differently because of a sudden bout of shyness, “Oh! Come sit, Unnie. You don’t even—what are you going to do if I say no, actually walk away??”
Mashiro let out a huff of laughter, moving to settle next to her. “You’re right, it’s our couch.”
“Exactly, if we sold this off we’re both equally getting 1/9 of the profit. Chop chop, easy math.”
Mashiro laughed again. Chaehyun was closer now; Mashiro could easily see the pleasant grin on her face, and even if she were to deny it, Mashiro felt a little bit warm.
“Isn’t it cold out there, though?” she asked, and Chaehyun tilted her head.
“Is it?” Chaehyun mused. She flexed her hand, staring at it. She then brought her two hands together, feeling around, as though she would be able to tell whether the temperature of the room was cold by doing that.
Mashiro just let her do it, an amused smile playing on her lips, until Chaehyun glanced at her and expectantly reached out to clasp one hand over Mashiro’s own.
“Cold!”
Chaehyun snickered, fingers curling around Mashiro’s palm. “I guess the room is cold, then.”
“I told you!” Mashiro half-heartedly wriggled her fingers away from the cold hold. Chaehyun let her off after a while, an innocent smile unapologetically painted on her face. Mashiro sniffed. “You should get back to your room, Chaehyun-ah.”
“There’s a blanket here, I can use it.”
“Chaehyun-ah.”
“I still want to stay here,” Chaehyun said, a pout forming on her face, and Mashiro instantly knew then that she was fighting a losing battle.
“Pleaaaase, Shiro-unnie?”
Definitely a losing battle.
“…God, fine.”
Mashiro stayed, even though giving Chaehyun permission to still be there didn’t mean Mashiro had to keep her company. They talked lightly, about small things and occasionally anecdotes about the members. At some point, Chaehyun retrieved the blanket, and so they sat huddled together with the blanket draped over them.
After a conversation about haunted practice rooms (“I never got to practice in the room supposedly haunted during my time in SM, Shiro-unnie. That’s my biggest regret aside from not meeting Taeyeon-sunbaenim sooner,”) silence lapsed between them for a moment, Mashiro leaning back and Chaehyun fiddling with the blanket.
“Shiro-unnie.”
“Hmm?”
“...What were you talking about with Ting-unnie in the kitchen, earlier?”
Mashiro paused. She stared at the back of Chaehyun’s head, the younger girl resolutely not looking at her. Her heart raced faintly, because did Chaehyun hear us?
“Were you around?”
“I was just passing by,”
“Oh. We didn’t see you.”
There was a brief pause. “I guess you were too preoccupied with each other,” Chaehyun said, tone way too light as though she was trying to avoid sounding off. Something inside Mashiro’s stomach stirred uncomfortably.
Chaehyun continued, “I only caught—a word or two. I think I caught Ting-unnie saying I like you.”
The discomfort inside her stomach loosened up a little then; so Chaehyun was only around from that point. “Oh. Xiaoting was just playing around.”
Chaehyun continued fiddling with the blanket. “Was she?”
“Yeah. I said thank you, and then she threw a grape at me.”
As though her shoulders had been tense for some time, Chaehyun released a breath and lowered her shoulders. “I see,” Chaehyun said, finally glancing back at her with a smile curled on her lips, “that is quite funny.”
And of course Mashiro managed to pinpoint then, through this whole conversation, the simple fact she got way too aware of thanks to the conversation with Xiaoting a few hours before:
Chaehyun was jealous.
Mashiro swallowed, the faint sting upon her heart resembling something akin to guilt. Whatever feelings Chaehyun held for her, Mashiro didn’t want her to get hurt. Chaehyun was too kind, too earnest, too good to be hurt by something like—this.
“The grapes were delicious,” Mashiro said softly, keeping her voice even despite her whirlwind mind. “…I don’t think we have any left though, but I’ll ask manager to buy some again.” She let her voice dip a little then, with unmistakable fondness she could too easily feel when it came to Chaehyun,
“You should try it then, Chaehyun-ah.”
Chaehyun let out an airy hum, shifting in her seat. At first she simply leaned back, pressing her body against the sofa, but then she shifted again, closer to Mashiro’s side this time. When Mashiro stayed still, not commenting on their increasing proximity, Chaehyun slowly leaned her head on Mashiro’s shoulder and let out a contented sigh.
The blanket was warm. Mashiro had expressed that before.
(But Chaehyun was warmer.)
“Okay,” Chaehyun mumbled, just as soft. Mashiro's heart ached. “I’ll hold Unnie to that.” It took Mashiro a moment to realize that she was responding about the grapes. Chaehyun shifted to peer at Mashiro, a cheeky smile on her face.
“I’ll only try if Unnie feed me some, though.”
Kim Chaehyun, Mashiro decided, wasn’t self-aware enough of how adorable she could be. Or maybe she was fully aware, and this entire thing was an elaborate attempt to make Mashiro’s heart flutter. She’d succeeded if so.
(Not that Mashiro would tell her.)
“…sure. Whatever you want,” she finally answered, and it gained her a quiet cheer from the latter. Mashiro smiled faintly as Chaehyun snuggled just a tiny bit closer. Fleetingly, for a moment, she could picture Xiaoting walking in on them being in this position, could imagine the expression Xiaoting would surely have then.
What are you going to do about it? Xiaoting had asked.
Nothing, Mashiro had answered. Even if she noticed, even if she knew Chaehyun’s feelings weren’t one-sided. She couldn’t say anything about it, but she also didn’t want the younger girl to hurt.
So if Xiaoting were to see this, and ask her again, she’d tell her that. That she’d try to not hurt Chaehyun. And then, if possible, to also not hurt herself either. She could imagine Xiaoting scoffing at her answer, because often times when feelings are left uncommunicated it’s inevitable for someone to get hurt, but—
But what’s the harm in giving in every now and then?
Mashiro’s shoulder grew a little heavy, Chaehyun’s warmth sinking into her skin. With a held-in breath, Mashiro shifted her hand under the blanket, seeking for Chaehyun’s. When she slowly grasped for it, Chaehyun’s hand shifted, as though startled, but didn’t pull away.
Chaehyun has a crush on you.
Mashiro interlaced their fingers, exhaling softly when Chaehyun gave her a tentative squeeze.
“This is comfortable,” Chaehyun whispered.
“Mmm.”
“You’re going to make me fall asleep here.”
Mashiro noticed the accusation, noticed the way Chaehyun phrased her words—like the reason why it’s comfortable enough for her to fall asleep was because it’s Mashiro, not the blanket or the warmth or the fact that it was already past midnight.
Mashiro swallowed, squeezing their linked fingers herself,
“It’s no longer cold now. So if you’d like to sleep, it’s okay.”
Her only reply was a dragged out hum and a growing heaviness on her shoulder. Under the blanket, it all seemed so simple: Chaehyun wasn’t hurt, nor was Mashiro, so even pushing things this far should be fair. Under the blanket, they were warm; fingers clasped together, Chaehyun gradually dozing off despite herself with breaths evening out, and Mashiro smiled to her hair.
“Good night, Chaehyun-ah.”
Under the blanket, they were kept safe from the outside world and the complicated stakes that came with it—
(—and Mashiro pressed an unnoticed kiss to the crown of Chaehyun's head before she tried her best to also sleep.)
END