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Everyone assumed that Near was cold inside. That he didn't have feelings like the other kids. That he couldn't (or did not wish to) experience joy and excitement and anger. That he lacked a soul.
If only they knew how much those words cut him up. How they'd hurt him.
He's used to it by now: the weird stares, the looks of disapproval whenever he makes a statement that's perhaps a bit too blunt; the way he seems to lack empathy whenever someone else dies.
If only they knew.
And even years after leaving Wammy's House and becoming the official successor to L, Near remains the same as ever, silent and methodical in approach. He's always focused on the tasks at hand because he has no room in his heart for unnecessary emotions.
The last time he allowed himself to feel, the blazing fire nearly swallowed him whole.
The last time was after the Kira case was solved. After Mello's death.
He'd ordered the SPK to organize a gravesite and a small ceremony for Mello, then placed some flowers in front of the gravestone before returning straight to headquarters. He'd also requested the other members leave him alone for the day, and then he'd cried in the space of his own room, clutching at the little Mello finger puppet in his shaky hands until he'd passed out.
He hadn't wanted anyone to see him in such a vulnerable state as it would only give others an opportunity to take advantage of his weakness. He couldn't let them do that…
And yet, Near still acknowledges that he's only human, that he's meant to have moments of vulnerability because it's normal to feel things. Inside his heart is a flame that burns quietly, and instead of letting it run wild and destroy him from the inside out, Near has it locked away in a safe that only he has the key to, so that no one outside will ever know how he truly feels.
He manages to keep the flame under control for a while, and even years after the Kira case has been closed and he's become the next L, Near still keeps the fire locked away inside his own heart...
But when he looks up at the surveillance monitors and sees the blurry figure on the screen, the flame begins to flicker wildly as his heartbeat reaches a crescendo inside his chest, and all the emotions he thought he'd kept hidden away threaten to spill out again.
He grabs the first thing he can find beside him, a plastic action figure Rester had bought for him years ago, and clutches onto it like it's a lifeline...
And when Mello storms into Near's headquarters years after his body was supposed to be incinerated along with Takada's, Near finds his thoughts coming to a standstill for the first time in his life.
(Mello was, and still is, a puzzle that could not be solved.)
"Aren't you going to say anything, Near?" Mello sneers from behind, and Rester and Gevanni have already pulled their guns out. "You won the game. You succeeded L. You must be happy about that."
Near continues to fiddle with the action figure in his hand, curling his fingers against it before quietly settling it down beside him. Playing with toys has always been a source of comfort, even during his adult years. And right now, playing with the little plastic figurine serves as a good distraction from all of the emotions that keep welling up inside him.
Mello didn't die. Mello's here, talking to him right now. Somehow Near’s missed an equation because no one had been able to find Mello's remains anywhere. He'd ordered the SPK to search for anything that led to Mello's whereabouts, to no avail.
None of this makes any sense.
"Near! Say something!"
Near finally turns around to face Mello, dark gray eyes blazing in quiet fury.
"If you think I'm happy, Mello, I'm not."
The words only seem to anger Mello more. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Near lets out a quiet sigh. He doesn't want to explain things verbally. He thought Mello would be smart enough to figure it out on his own, but apparently Mello is just as hot-tempered and impulsive as ever.
"Mello, you never change."
Before Mello can say anything else, Near gets up and walks over to a toy box of sorts before rummaging through it.
"What are you doing?"
"I take it you already watched the clips from when Kira was exposed at the warehouse?"
That seems to catch Mello by surprise. "... Yes."
Near pauses briefly in his search, letting out a quiet sigh before pulling out three of the finger puppets inside the box. Once he's done arranging them, he turns around to face his long-lost rival.
Mello blinks as Near holds the puppets up in one hand: L's between his thumb and ring finger, Mello’s on his pointer finger, and Near's in the middle.
"Do you recognize these?" Near asks simply, and Mello grunts out an affirmative.
"Then I assume you've already heard what I said in the recordings." Near's other hand reaches up, fingers tangling in his own hair once more.
"To answer your question: no, I'm not happy I succeeded L. I didn't succeed alone that day. It was because I had the assistance of several others that Kira was exposed… including the efforts of you, Mello. Your actions were the key to us finding the replica notebook... Together, you and I were able to surpass L. Even though you had no intentions of working with me, I had Lidner relay information to you on my behalf because I wanted to work together... with you."
With that, Near finally looks up, a faint smile spreading across his lips, and unbeknownst to him something strange catches in Mello's chest. "You were never just a tool to me, Mello."
Near waves a hand in the air, and Rester and Gevanni take this as a cue to leave the room. A few seconds pass before the sliding door shuts, and once they're both alone, Near quietly places the finger puppets back into their box and puts it away before turning his full attention to Mello once more.
"Is there another reason why you came to see me, Mello?"
"I..." Mello shifts, his eyes darting around the room before settling back onto Near. "Look, Near. I... I know we haven't gotten along in the past, and I said some stupid things when we were younger, but I wanted to tell you that all of it was just a cover-up."
A soft questioning noise escapes from Near's lips before he blinks up at Mello, silently urging him to continue.
"I never hated you, Near. I just couldn't stand the thought of someone being better than me. You got perfect scores on all your tests but I was always second in line! No matter how hard I tried it was never enough... The kids used to make fun of me for always being second to you, you know?" Mello shakes his head, his fingers curling into a fist beside him. "It... It really got to me even though their opinion shouldn't have meant shit back then. I didn't want to work with you after L died because of my personal issues... The truth is, I knew we could both take down Kira together, but I couldn't physically be around you at the time."
Near raises an eyebrow at that.
"I had to become the next L because that meant that I would finally win, that I'd no longer be compared to you anymore and stop being in your shadow," Mello clarifies. "But in the end, I stopped caring so much about winning. I just wanted Kira gone... Even if it meant I had to die, someone had to prove the whereabouts of the real notebook."
From behind Near, Mello lets out a breath, and Near thinks for a moment that perhaps Mello's own flame has been extinguished.
"Near, I... I'm sorry."
Near blinks once more, processing the words in his mind as if he’s solving a Rubik’s cube. He hadn’t expected an apology, but Mello actually sounds genuine. Though Near has to wonder exactly what Mello's sorry for: for all the things he'd said about Near over the past years? For sabotaging the SPK and for inconveniencing Near so that he wouldn't get to Kira first? For sacrificing himself?
"Near."
Mello's soft voice breaks Near out of his thoughts, and he looks back up. "Mello?"
"There's one more thing I'm going to tell you, and then you'll never have to see me again."
What could it be? Near wonders to himself. It must be important if Mello came all the way here to tell him.
"Those 'personal issues' I mentioned... Back then, I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. I remember wanting to beat you so much that I became obsessed, and before I knew it, my thoughts were constantly about you day and night," Mello explains. "Matt told me I needed to figure it out myself, so I did... and right before I kidnapped Takada, I realized that I had feelings for you. I assumed I was going to die that day but somehow, I survived... I still don't know what the hell happened back then, and I also didn't want to face you until I was ready, but I'm here now because I've got one last chance to tell you all this."
Near doesn't say anything at first, just slowly processes Mello's words the way he did earlier. None of them speak for several seconds; it's only when it's clear that Mello isn't going to say anything else that Near opens his mouth to speak, his fingers coming up to twirl a lock of white hair.
"Mello... You exasperate me."
That catches Mello off-guard, and his eyes grow wide as he splutters: "What?"
"Did you really think it was all one-sided?" Near asks, completely unfazed. "I thought you'd be able to figure it out yourself."
At that, Mello flushes hot as he points a finger at his former nemesis. "Stop making fun of me! I was being completely truthful just now!"
"I know." Near allows himself to smile, before adding: "The feeling's mutual, you know."
Mello blinks in surprise. "It is?"
"Yes."
Near gets up from where he's sitting and moves so that he's standing in front of Mello. He's grown taller since they last met, but Mello is still a good couple of inches above him so Near still has to lift his head so that he can look into Mello's eyes.
"I've always liked you," Near whispers, before shyly averting his gaze and reaching up to twirl another lock of his hair.
However, before his fingers can reach, Mello's hand grabs onto his own, and Near lets out a small squeak of surprise as Mello pulls him in until they're chest-to-chest.
"Good. I'm glad," Mello murmurs, letting go of Near's hand so he can wrap his arms around him. "Because I won't let anyone else have you."
"Likewise," Near replies, pulling Mello closer. "But I have to warn you, I'm not the best at conversing with other people. There's a 0.45% chance that our relationship may not work."
"Bullshit," Mello scoffs. "You said, and I quote, 'Together we surpassed L'. I don't think anything else would be more difficult than doing that."
For the first time in a long while, Near lets out a quiet laugh.
He looks up to see Mello gazing at him, his usually angry and defiant expression replaced with something softer and more unreadable. It makes Near's heart leap up into his throat and something strange flutters inside his stomach until he finds himself trying to catch his breath.
The fire inside both of them hasn't extinguished yet—it never did.
"Can I kiss you now?" Mello asks, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Of course."
Near’s breath hitches as he feels Mello’s hand press against his cheek. The sensation sends sparks flying between them, and if Near's being honest, he's afraid but also a little excited.
Mello leans closer, tilting his head to meet Near's lips with a gentle brush. Near closes his eyes, melting against Mello, and he thinks to himself that they are both like two pieces of the same puzzle. Being like this somehow feels right, and a strange lump forms in his throat at the thought of him and Mello being together: being L with him, playing with cards and board games in between solving cases, even holding each other as they both drift off to sleep… The possibilities are endless. But Near won't allow himself to become complacent—if Mello is willing to accept Near's love, then that's more than enough.
(Mello's the only one who can create conflagrations strong enough to destroy the walls Near has built around his heart. No matter how carefully Near locks away his feelings, Mello still has a copy of the key.)
When their lips part for air, neither man moves away. Near's eyes flutter open when he realizes that Mello hasn't pulled back yet, and he looks up to see Mello giving him a small satisfied smirk that Near deduces must be filled with relief.
Near reaches up to touch Mello's burn scar, gently tracing it until his hand trails down and cups Mello's cheek. Mello lets Near's hand stay there as he leans down once more. Then he's kissing Near again, this time longer and deeper.
If only the ones who thought Near was cold inside could see him now.
This time, he’s content to just let the fire burn.