Chapter Text
Dear Diary,
I think I like someone
Robin,
I went to Family video, and Robin was there and I panicked and rented ‘Niagara’ and I think she knows that I. I think I might have a crush on someone. someone other than-. Someone.
What if she knows? I’m alright. It’s been months since I broke up with Jonathan. Why now? Why not earlier? Why her?
I’m gonna ruin this.
…
Nancy fidgeted in the cereal aisle as she recalled the entry, now over a week stale. Locked in her journal was a knee-jerk panic statement that didn’t mean anything. Nancy was sure of it, this had happened before and it passed, this would too. Sure. She wouldn't be ruining any friendships anytime soon. Hopefully.
Robin-
Sweat formed on her brow and she quickly decided on which cereal she was going to get, the debate lasting 5 whole minutes. if was hard to choose that was all, her mind wasn’t elsewhere or anything.
Feelings for her.
“Shit,” Nancy said out loud as she dropped the box of Frosted Flakes. Shut up, she told her brain.
“Are you alright, dear?” Mrs. Bayou said concerned from the end of the aisle.
Shit. Again. How long had she been watching Nancy, pacing in place, messing with her hair, wining occasionally?
“Oh, hi Mrs. Bayou!” She chirped, hiding the grimace that had been glued to her face anytime someone tried interacting with her since she wrote that entry.
She worried everyone could see right through her, hear her thoughts. They would say ‘Nancy Joan wheeler!’ And she couldn’t bring herself to imagine anymore, just saying ‘how do you know my full name?’ To the guy who works at the Italian restaurant on 5th and burnside.
“Yeah, I’m fine, just clumsy!” Nancy told her, hoping she’d leave.
Leave. She didn’t leave.
“Well you know, there’s a sale on raisin brand today and I know Mr wheeler loves it so I thought,” the woman collected the discarded cereal and handed it to Nancy, “I would come over and tell you.”
Nancy was sure she knew. Sure that the elderly woman who had been running the grocery store since Nancy was 14 knew she was stuck on Robin Buckley's raspy voice saying ‘I love that movie’ and ’This is a very bold statement, Nancy’.
“Uhh.” She uttered, “thank- you. I will check that out, thank you.”
Leave, I don’t care about the cereal. Was what she wanted to say. But she didn’t have to, Mrs. Bayou was already on her way to help a different customer. Of course she didn’t know, Nancy felt foolish, though she always felt like that. No one had a clue except her, her journal, and she dreaded the thought that maybe, possibly, Robin herself had a clue.
Feelings for you.
She didn’t drop the cereal that time but she did groan, storming to the cash register to worry that the guy ringing her up knew about her big crush on the only blonde she knew.
…
Nancy tried to wright again, once home, but she couldn’t even bring herself to open the old journal.
Her mom always told her to write when she was confused or sad or overwhelmed, to try and get it out if she didn’t feel like talking to anyone. She just couldn’t do it this time, so she turned on Niagara.
Why she thought that would clear her mind, she had no idea. Counterproductive was the only word that suited.
The whole reason she rented the movie was that she was feeling… confused- in need of confirmation. She felt she wanted to relive the first time this had happened to her. The first time she saw a woman and thought, her beautiful neck, her beautiful eyes, her beautiful voice, and panicked for weeks because that, whatever that was, had only ever happened with boys.
It passed and she forgot about it until she got roped into a movie night with Mike and his friends, including Steve and Eddie. And Robin. And she so happened to be placed next to Robin in the movie theater and they talked the entire way through about so many different things. Dreams, people, friends, family, movies, shows, school.
They couldn’t stop talking to each other, they got along so well.
When the movie was over, the lights in the room brightened and there was Robin's face, smiling at Nancy, with her blue eyes and her blonde hair, lighter from the summer sun, asking Nancy how she liked the movie.
How did I like it? She wanted to scream but she spoke lightly, with humor. “I spent the entire time talking to you, so honestly I don’t know.”
Robin laughed and Nancy could see it now, and after that, Nancy was not, in any way shape, or form, O.K.
Panicking in the parking lot, at home, in bed, in her journal, in the living room, in her car, in Family video, back to the source. And all she managed was to make it worse.
“Why is this a bad thing?” She asked herself in the car, and she knew why, because Robin would never feel that way about her. She couldn’t assume Robin liked girls. Barb liked girls and she told Nancy when they were young. She explained it to her carefully and Nancy couldn’t see anything wrong with it.
In that moment, when Barb said, “I think girls are pretty, the way you think boys are.”, Nancy remembered watching Niagara a year before and blushed, though she didn’t say anything to Barb, she felt too unsure.
Days after the movie night with Robin, Nancy was still confused, so she wanted to see if watching Niagara again would help or something- she didn’t know but it felt right.
And now, here she is, staring at Marilyn Monroe in her pink 50’s dress, listening to her hum. Nancy must have looked like a deer, a wide-eyed deer. it wasn't that she thought she was straight, she didn't, how could she? the thing was, Marilyn Monroe—was blonde, and she had blue eyes, and so did Robin and—Nancy was about to explode.
She was even more affected by it than she was when she was 14. She was- she didn’t have the words. Before she could think better of it, she paused the movie. Shit. Steve had told her that they could see when someone paused a movie, he poked fun at the number of people who paused at a certain point in some movie, something about Phoebe Cates.
It was fine, it was a perfectly innocent point to pause at. Yeah. She took a minute to stare, the deed was already done, and she might as well soak it in.
She was still wearing her jeans from her trip to the grocery store and she thought maybe getting out of them would help so she changed into some grey sweatpants and jogged downstairs for some ice.
Robin,
The ice clattered to the floor, and though it was only a cup, it made probably the loudest noise something could make on an autumn night with the ac off. Sound travels everywhere when there’s no fan to block its motion.
Nancy waited a few moments with bated breath, cringing at the loud sound that seemed to echo in her mind, praying her mom or her brother didn’t come round.
They didn’t, the family cat turned the corner and Nancy jumped but that was all.
Sappy, the 9-month-old cat that had been living with them for the past 3, rubbed up against her legs and purred almost as loud as the falling ice.
“Hi, baby.” She picked him up, “sorry for the scare.”
Huh? He seemed to say. Giving her a cross-eyed look and then dive-bombing her neck again.
…
The ice didn’t help, maybe air would.
She debated going on a drive but glanced at her watch before she could even find her keys.
12:26 AM
Nancy was groaning a lot at every inconvenience it seemed.
Robin always said she wanted a car, either Nancy overheard her complaining about it or Robin was actually asking her about her car, and the jealousy, or maybe just wonder, was transparent. Nancy wanted to tell her she could use her car whenever, but she never could get the words out. it wasn't all that practical, she really did need her car.
In reality, she had hardly spent time with Robin compared to her other friends. Robin was new but she had felt close to her quickly, maybe because of star court, or maybe because they were just compatible. After they first met, She kept wanting to ask Robin to hang out but it was still summer and Nancy had a hard time actually building up the courage to go find someone and ask to hang out, it was easier in school. Once school rolled around, she thought it had been too long, like maybe she missed her chance.
Nancy saw her one time, at the beginning of the summer, before they met, before everything. She was in the mall for some reason and was passing Scoops. There she was, laughing with Steve. Nancy recognized Steve first and then suddenly felt jealous. Nancy knew it was unfair, and kind of sad, so she repressed it.
Jealousy. Overridden by—she’s very pretty. I wonder if she lives near me…
Nancy blushed, Robin looked a little different then. longer hair, tanner, always in that uniform, always looking fed up or laughing, on the brink of cracking a joke or telling Steve to shut up. Now she seemed less guarded, especially around Steve, always talking in the background. When Robin wasn't guarded, you could see how nervous she was about a lot of things, when she wasn't mean and short, she talked too much, and the regret on her face after a long monologue was evident. Nancy liked observing the other girl, she felt like she could relate to her.
Nancy spent a lot of time not talking so as not to let people know what she was feeling. just polite remarks to avoid confrontation, but only when it was dealing with matters of love and affection did she feel somewhat emotionally constipated. Any other circumstance and Nancy would speak her mind, she wasn't afraid to stand up for herself but when it came to putting herself out there with someone liked? putting herself out there when it could go terribly wrong? Totally hopeless. it was immature, she knew and she could hear Robin laugh at that.
If she closed her eyes she could hear a lot of things, birds, water, a car engine. she tried to focus on different sounds to calm herself down. Paper, sugar falling, heels, 'Here with me, near with me'
"shiiittttt." Nancy rolled on her front, excepting that maybe that was the last straw, maybe this would stay for a while. Maybe she needed Robin to say she wasn't interested. Nancy was fine with it being subtextual too, just being avoided or Robin talking about some guy she liked, Nancy didn't care and she knew she wouldn't say anything outright to Robin. Still, she knew that she was the absolute worst at keeping something secret if it occupied her every thought which at the moment, it definitely did.