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Oner just loathes being alone.
It’s not that he’s an absolute extrovert who likes big crowds, but he has always been the type of person who enjoys the company of someone even if it’s just as small as sharing the same space together.
“I hate being alone the most. I really hate being alone. It’s too lonely, being alone. When you’re alone, it’s also not fun… and it’s lonely. It’s boring. I really hate being alone.” He rambled in his stream once.
The first two days of isolation are not too bad for his mind. The same, however, cannot be said for his body. Covid really got Oner dying on his bed that he can barely even remember the view times he woke up to do basic things such as eating or going to the toilet.
It wasn’t until noon of the third day that Oner manage to wake up with some kind of awareness of the outside world.
“Ugh…” The jungler groans as he slowly opens his eyes.
The first thing Oner noticed is that his head doesn’t immediately spin as he scans his surroundings. His throat still feels like sandpaper, but it doesn’t hurt as much as before he probably could talk without feeling like his throat has been ripped out. He also realises that he’s no longer sweating as much as in the last few days.
After a few minutes of absentmindedly staring at the ceiling, Oner reaches out to his bedside table to grab his phone.
Oner is immediately bombarded by the numerous messages and missed calls on his phone. Most of the messages were from friends and family congratulating him on the undefeated season, as well as some occasional get-well soon messages after their condition got announced to the public. He also saw the text from his sister, telling him that his parents are really worried about the Covid announcement and are asking him to call as soon as he feels better.
That, however, is not what caught his attention the most.
Sanghyeok has left a string of messages and 5 missed calls over the past 2 days.
Hyeonjoon immediately opens the messages from his mid-laner.
Sent : April 3rd, 11.21 am
Hyeonjoon-ah, are you awake?
How are you feeling?
I heard that Minhyeong tested negative. Can you believe it?
Text me once you’re awake.
Sent : April 3rd, 03.04 pm
Hyeonjoon-ah, are you okay?
I feel like dying…
But it’s not as bad as yesterday so don’t worry.
Are you feeling better?
Sent: April 3rd, 07.14 pm
My tastebuds feel numb… I can’t really taste the dinner.
How’s your throat?
Please eat a lot so that you recover faster.
Missed call from Hyeokie hyung
Missed call from Hyeokie hyung
Sent: April 3rd, 11.02 pm
Please answer me.
Once you’re better, call me.
Sent: April 4th, 12.15 pm
Seonghoon hyung tested positive.
I asked the doctor who checked on us about your condition.
He said you were barely conscious when he was there.
Please get better soon.
Sent: April 4th, 03.24 pm
Uijin and Haneul called today.
Their loud voices hurt my head.
It reminds me of your loud voice.
Missed call from Hyeokie Hyung
Sent: April 4th, 06.30 pm
I got caught trying to sneak into your room.
I don’t know why I tried to sneak out during the time they deliver our dinner.
Maybe Covid does affect your brain...
Missed call from Hyeokie Hyung
Missed call from Hyeokie Hyung
Sent: April 4th, 11.34 pm
We need to talk.
Wake up soon.
Sent: April 5th, 02.30 am
I can’t sleep.
Not because of Covid.
Sent: April 5th, 3.52 am
You…
You’re not just ignoring me, right?
Are you?
Sent: April 5th, 11.30 am
Joonie?
Oner stared blankly at the phone screen once he finished reading the whole thing. It took some time for Oner to process all the messages into his brain.
Double the time for him to process all the emotions it brings up.
———
Oner and Faker have been dancing around each other ever since last year’s summer split.
They are not really subtle about it too. It wasn’t a secret amongst the inner circle of LCK that the two of them fancy each other. Faker, however, never tried to take it to the next step. Everyone is curious about it, but no one is brave enough to ask the mid laner why. Hyeonjoon, being the gentleman that he is on the inside, respected Sanghyeok and also never asked why or pushed Sanghyeok to do anything he’s not comfortable with either.
To Hyeonjoon, Sanghyeok is like a cloud. It’s so far up in the sky that you know you can’t reach it on your own. The cloud would cover the sky, sheltering you from the searing heat of the sun. Sometimes, although rarely, it will come to the ground, becoming a fog that engulfs you entirely. The fog would cover everything around you so that it’s the only thing you can see or feel. The cloud can also turn into a rain cloud, forming raindrops that might entice you to play under it.
But then, the cloud might turn into a thunderhead at any time, striking you with painful lightning out of nowhere.
Hyeonjoon doesn’t know if it is intentional or not, but Sanghyeok has been consistently striking painful lightning at his heart.
———
Hyeonjoon knows that for Sanghyeok to be messaging him this frequently means that the mid-laner is really worried about him. Not wanting to distress him for longer than necessary, Hyeonjoon immediately write him a reply.
Sent: April 5th, 12.41 pm
Hi hyung.
I’m getting better now, don’t worry.
Are you okay hyung?
Sent: April 5th, 12.45 pm
That’s a relief.
I’m good.
Even though Hyeonjoon can see Sanghyeok’s typing status going off for the full 4 minutes after Oner sent his message, he is not surprised by the short reply that actually came through. He is already familiar with all of Sanghyeok’s antiques after all. Oner knows Faker is probably going to pull back from him again, now that the mid laner knows he’s fine.
It happens a lot. Hyeonjoon doesn’t know what changed, but at one point during the Summer Split last year, Faker began to distance himself from Oner.
What confuses and hurts Oner the most is the fact that he knows Faker still likes him as much as he likes Faker.
How does he know? Well, Sanghyeok would keep on giving him mixed signals. One second Sanghyeok would have the fondest smile while holding Hyeonjoon’s hand, yet he’ll frown and snatch his hand away immediately after. Another time Faker would look at him with so much love in his eyes, and he’ll avoid eye contact for the rest of that day.
Oner can only sigh whenever it happens, ignoring the pain and frustration every single time.
It’s possible for Oner to just call him right there and then, but he knows that it would only worry Sanghyeok more if he hears how bad his voice sounds.
And honestly? Hyeonjoon isn’t sure if Sanghyeok told him to call out of worry or if he really wants to talk to him.
He doesn’t want his call to be rejected, so the jungler doesn’t even try.
———
The night is when the loneliness starts to affect him.
Hyeonjoon has done a good job busying himself by showering and answering all the messages on his phone all day long. He even gets the chance to call his parents and tell them that everything is fine.
By 9pm, however, Hyeonjoon already has nothing left to do.
Here’s the deal: The reason why Hyeonjoon hates being alone is because he doesn’t like being left with his own mind. The voices in his head are not as loud when he is preoccupied, but without anything to distract him, all that he can do now is fall into his own thoughts.
Fall into the thought of him.
Looking at his phone, Oner saw that Faker hadn't tried to contact him again after the short massage.
You would have thought that the pain would lessen after being heartbroken so many times, but that is not the case for Hyeonjoon. In fact, the pain just keeps on growing inside him like thorns. It doesn’t feel fair, to be honest. Whenever Hyeonjoon thought that he could finally try to move on, Sanghyeok would find a way to pull him back into his grasp. It’s as if Sanghyeok has a rope circling around his heart, one that he can pull and play with whenever he wants.
The same questions always filled Oner’s mind. Why is Sanghyeok hyung trying so hard to avoid him? Why does he still look at him with so much love in his eyes? What changed? What makes Sanghyeok hyung so afraid to be with him? Is it fun for Sanghyeok hyung to play with him? Or is it him? Is it his fault? Maybe he’s the reason. Maybe there’s something wrong with him. Maybe he’s not worth Sanghyeok hyung’s time.
Maybe he’s the one who needs to be considerate and leave Sanghyeok hyung alone.
Hyeonjoon doesn’t know when the tears started to pour out, but now it just can’t seem to stop. Maybe the sickness made him more sensitive.
Maybe it’s also the sickness that made him insane enough to want to hear Sanghyeok's voice in the middle of his turmoil.
Oner slowly sat up on his bed, trying to not irritate his aching back more than necessary. He took his time to calm down before drinking some water from the glass on his bedside table to clear his throat, making sure that his voice sounded as normal as possible before he anxiously dialed Sanghyeok’s number.
Sanghyeok picked up immediately.
“Joonie?”
Hyeonjoon felt both at ease and in pain when he heard him.
“Sanghyeokie Hyung.” The jungler mumbles
Oner can hear the relieved sigh Sanghyeok lets out once he answers. The line turns silent for a few seconds before Sanghyeok speaks up again.
“I’ve… Hyeonjoon-ah I.. I…”
“Me too.”
Oner doesn’t actually know what Faker was trying to say, but in his head he hoped Sanghyeok was going to say that he missed him. The silence continues before Sanghyeok breaks it again.
“You hate being alone.”
A statement, not a question.
“Have you eaten yet?”
Oner glance at the uneaten lunch box at his desk before answering.
“Not yet.”
“Don’t eat yet.” That’s all Sanghyeok says before cutting the call.
All Hyeonjoon can do now is to let out a shaky breath as he tries to stop his tears from falling again.
———
*knock knock*
Hyeonjoon was scrolling mindlessly through his Instagram when he heard the knocking on his door. He took a glance at the time on his phone before slowly walking from his bed to open the door.
*I don’t remember anything scheduled for 11pm..* He thought as he opened the door.
Oner’s eyes widened in surprise when he saw Faker on the other side of the door with a lunchbox in his hand.
“Hi.” Sanghyeok offers after a brief moment of awkward silence.
“Hi.” Hyeonjoon replies out of habit.
Sanghyeok took no time to squeeze past him towards the dining table and placed his lunch box next to Oner’s.
Oner, after recovering from his surprise, closed the door and followed Sanghyeok to the table. Just as he closed in on Faker, however, the mid laner suddenly turned around and hugged him tightly. Oner tensed up from the contact but he slowly relaxed and wrapped his arms around Faker, reciprocating the hug. They stayed in that position for a while before Sanghyeok starts to speak.
“How are you feeling?” He asks gently. Oner can hear the worry in his voice even more clearly now than through the phone.
“I’ve felt better” Oner answers honestly.
“Does your throat still hurt?”
“A little. But I can talk for longer now”
After the short conversation, Sanghyeok tries to let go of the hug. Hyeonjoon, however, doesn’t want to let him go. He wants to stay in the moment for just a little longer.
The mid laner lets out a small chuckle before elaborating.
“Let’s eat. Together.”
The hug continues for a few seconds longer before Hyeonjoon finally lets Sanghyeok go.
Hyeonjoon took no time to start prepping the food for them to eat. He heats their lunch boxes with the microwave T1 had provided them while Sanghyeok helps by filling two glasses with warm water for them to drink. The two sat opposite to each other on the table once everything was ready.
“Thank you for the food.” Says the two before they start to eat in silence.
The lunch box contains a hearty amount of Samgyetang, which is ginseng chicken soup. Less than halfway through the meal, Sanghyeok starts to diligently debone his chicken and places its meat onto Hyeonjoon’s lunchbox.
Hyeonjoon can feel his heart fluttering once he realises what the mid laner is doing, but he forces himself to ignore the feeling and continues to eat as if nothing has happened.
“I’m fine hyung. You should eat more.” Hyeonjoon states after a while.
“No, you eat it. You’re much sicker than me.” Sanghyeok argues as he continues to put more chicken on Hyeonjoon’s box.
“But you’re much skinnier than me.You need to eat more.” Hyeonjoon tries to stop Sanghyeok by catching the mid laner’s chopstick with his own.
Faker lets out a fond chuckle which makes Oner’s heart jump. Faker then retracts his chopsticks from Hyeonjoon’s lunch box as he smiles gently at his jungler.
“How about this? You eat this now and once we are all better, I’ll let you take me out to eat anything.”
Oner immediately froze from the mid laner’s suggestion. Is Faker saying that he can take him out for dates once they’re cured?
No.. no. he’s probably just saying that now. he’ll probably forget about it once they’re not sick.
Oner just nods at the suggestion in response before looking down at his food and continuing to eat.
Once they finish eating and cleaning up, Sanghyeok stands in the middle of the room awkwardly while staring at Hyeonjoon who is busying himself by wiping the already clean table endlessly.
The mid laner fiddles with his hand, looking like a lost cat, before hesitantly vocalising his thoughts.
“Can I stay here tonight?”
Hyeonjoon hand stopped from wiping the table mindlessly as he froze. After what feels like an eternity to Sanghyeok, Hyeonjoon moved to throw the dirty cloth on the sink before answering.
“…Okay.” He whispers.
Hyeonjoon stiffly moves to his bed, lying far on one side of the bed to give Sanghyeok a large space to work with. Sanghyeok slowly and gently also lay on the bed, careful not to touch the obviously tense jungler.
Sanghyeok flicks the light switch next to the bed, rendering the room dark.
The tension only grows as the two of them lay together in the dark and silence.
“I want to hold you.”
The statement plays with Oner’s heart for more than he can handle.
He doesn’t know why Sanghyeok is sending so many signals today. Is it all just because they’re sick? Will he become distant again once everything returns back to normal? Or is Sanghyeok really coming back to him? Is this just another false hope like what Hyeonjoon has been receiving these past few months?
Hyeonjoon doesn’t think he can survive another heartbreak.
But… love is not something you can choose to ignore.
Call him selfish, but Hyeonjoon is tempted to live in this fantasy even just for a night. Even if indulging this means he will be left broken in the morning, at least it might give him the power to finally move on.
Before Oner could let himself lose in the fantasy, however, an idea comes to his mind.
Maybe this time he should be the one making the first move.
Ever since Sanghyeok started to pull away from him, Hyeonjoon also became unsure about showing his affection. Most of the time, Hyeonjoon would just be the receiving end of whatever Sanghyeok is willing to give him. Sure, Oner would still care for Sanghyeok indirectly by taking care of him. He would place snacks on Sanghyeok’s desk when he looked hungry or lend him his coats whenever Sanghyeok was cold. Physical affection, however, is a whole different story.
Maybe this time Hyeonjoon should be the one initiating the touch. Sanghyeok would have no choice but to either accept or reject him on the spot. This way, Hyeonjoon would get a clear idea of what is really happening right now. Not a bad idea, right?
Like ripping a bandage, as one might say.
Hence, Hyeonjoon didn’t answer Sanghyeok’s statement but instead moved to give Sanghyeok a back hug. The jungler can feel how Sanghyeok tenses up from the contract. Oner knows that it is time for Sanghyeok to make a decision, to stay or run away like he always does.
To his surprise, Sanghyeok lets all the tension go as he snuggles deeper into Hyeonjoon’s embrace. Hyeonjoon, in return, tightens his arms around the mid laner.
“I tried staying away from you.” Sanghyeok whispers after a moment of silence.
“I know.”
“I tried to not fall for you too deeply.”
“I know.”
“I don’t think it’s working.”
“…”
“When you weren’t answering my messages.. I was so worried that I couldn't think about anything else but you. All I can think of is that I should be taking care of you, that I should be there with you, That I… that I shouldn’t have pushed you away.”
Faker turns his body to face his jungler. He can now see that Oner had closed his eyes. Hyeonjoon’s face may not show any emotion, but Sanghyeok can feel the shaky breaths Hyeonjoon lets out on his face because of how close their faces were. Sanghyeok raises a hand to gently caress Oner’s cheek.
“I’m not running anymore. I want to be by your side. I want you to be by my side.. if you still want me.” Sanghyeok says with determination.
“Are you sure?”
Sanghyeok is caught off guard by the weird question.
“Of course I am.” He confidently answers.
Hyeonjoon opens his eyes and gazes into Sanghyeok’s eyes before asking another question. “You.. you won’t regret this right? Because to be honest, I don’t think I can survive if you do.”
“Joonie. The only thing I can regret is if I don’t have you in my life.”
“Then… Why?”
“What?”
Hyeonjoon let go of his embrace to sit up on the bed. He avoids eye contact with Sanghyeok by looking at his fidgeting hands on his lap before pouring his heart out.
“Why were you so adamant to push me away before? Am I… do I not deserve to be seen with you? Are you… embarrassed falling for me?” Hyeonjoon shakily asks as he tried to hold back his tears.
Shocked by the question, Sanghyeok instantly sits up and places his hand on top of Oner’s.
“No! Of course not.” Sanghyeok immediately asserts, feeling his own eyes starting to water from guilt. “Joonie… I’m sorry. I didn’t know that’s how you felt.” He apologises as he starts to add two and two together in his head.
“Is.. Is that why you never question it? When I pulled away?” Sanghyeok asks in horror.
The silence from Oner is enough to confirm his theory. Sanghyeok took no time to climb onto Hyeonjoon’s lap and latch his arms around the jungler’s neck, engulfing him in a tight hug. Sanghyeok then starts to whisper apologies repeatedly into Oner’s ear as he lets his own tears escape. He never realised how much his actions must have hurt the poor jungler…
… even though the action was done to protect the said jungler to begin with.
“I… I did it because I know how.. suffocating.. my reputation is. I don’t want you to only be associated with me. Not when I know how amazing, and unique, and skilful, and beautiful you are. I want everyone to see you the way I do, not just as someone who Faker fell in love with.” Sanghyeok eventually explains once he calms down, eyes turning cloudy as he recalls an old memory.
*flashback*
It was exactly 30 minutes before their first match after Stardust and Moment took charge as the main coaches starts.
The atmosphere at the T1 waiting room was very dense because of how tense and nervous everyone was. Who can blame them though? It is a match that will shape how everyone on the outside see them. A game that will make or break the team.
Sanghyeok, although being the most experienced player in Lol, was still affected by the atmosphere in the room. So he excuses himself to buy some drinks just so that he can take a break from the tension.
Sanghyeok took his time as he walked towards a vending machine tucked in the hidden corner of the Lol Park’s communal kitchen. He looks at all his options before deciding on buying two bottles of coke.
Faker was about to take the coke out from the vending machine when he heard the two voices talking just around the corner.
“…I can’t believe it though. Why would you change your coaching staff in the middle of the season?” Sanghyeok can hear one of them say as the guy turned on the drinking fountain, probably filling up a bottle.
“They’re also switching up the jungler. That’s probably why.”
“What does that have to do with changing head coach?”
“Haven’t you heard? The rookie jungler, what’s his name again? Oner? He has a thing with Faker.”
“No way… you’re telling me that Faker makes T1 fire their whole coaching staff just because they wouldn’t put the rookie jungler in?”
“That’s the rumour.”
“What a lucky guy.”
Sanghyeok froze on his feet, making no noise in hopes that the two unknown people wouldn’t notice him. Fortunately for him, the two people immediately left after filling up their water bottles.
A lot of thoughts flew into Sanghyeok’s mind at the same time. Is that really what everyone thought happened? How can they think of such a despicable theory? Is this what other people think of Hyeonjoon? Just someone Sanghyeok is partial of?
Is he hurting Hyeonjoon’s image by liking him?
Tears almost spilled out of Sanghyeok’s eyes when someone suddenly shouted out his name.
“Hyeokie hyung!” Oner called as he lightly jogs towards his leader. Sanghyeok, however, made no effort to acknowledge his presence.
“What took you so long? Did you forget to bring your card or something?”
Sanghyeok continued to ignore the jungler. Realising that his hyung was deep in his thoughts, Hyeonjoon reached out to clasp Sanghyeok’s hand and squeezed it. Sanghyeok, however, immediately retract his hand as if he has been burned. Faker took a few steps away from Oner, creating space between them.
To Oner, that never happened before.
“…Hyeokie hyung?” Hyeonjoon voiced hesitantly, eyes full of confusion.
Faker adamantly avoided Oner’s attempt to make any eye contact. “Let’s go back to the waiting room. We need to do the briefing soon.” He coldly said before walking away, not waiting for Oner to follow him.
Oner stood still, hundreds of questions in his mind, as he looked at Faker’s retreating figure. He then glanced at the vending machine’s pick up box, still filled by two untouched coke bottles.
*end of flashback*
“I don’t care.”
Sanghyeok’s daze is suddenly broken by Oner’s deep voice.
“I made up my mind about it a long time ago. I don’t care about what people think about me, I know what I’m capable of. I’m not here for fame, hyung. I’m just here to help you fly again. I don’t care about what others think about me, all I want is to be there behind you when you lift up another trophy.” Hyeonjoon claims firmly as he stares into Sanghyeok's eyes.
Sanghyeok fondly looks into Hyeonjoon’s eyes before he softly pecks on the tip of the jungler’s nose, making him blush.
“You’re not here to help me fly. You’re here to fly with me. Right by my side.” Sanghyeok reminds him.
“So… Boyfriend?” Sanghyeok asks with a smile.
Hyeonjoon gave him a shy nod before confirming. “Boyfriend.”
Hyeonjoon's face suddenly turns unsure again, worrying Sanghyeok.
“What is it?” Sanghyeok gently asks.
It took Oner a few seconds to build up his courage to say it.
“I love you.” He mutters softly, eyes looking away from Faker’s eyes.
A bittersweet smile finds its way on Sanghyeok's face as he spots Hyeonjoon’s insecurity. It pains him to know that he’s the one who unknowingly caused it, and that it will take time before Oner can fully heal from it.
But Sanghyeok has made up his mind on it. He will be there for Hyeonjoon every step of the way, helping him heal.
Sanghyeok gently but deeply kissed Hyeonjoon’s mouth this time, fully flustering him.
“I love you too.”
———
“What will you do if they catch us tomorrow?”
“I’ll tell them I’m staying here until isolation ends.”
“What if they don’t let you?”
“..I’m T1 co-owner.”
-end-