Chapter Text
JUNE 1998
The playground had been busy in the afternoon by many tiny bodies and shouts. You were there, trudging across, with a giant makeshift stick. You demanded any witnesses to come forward. It’s a game you and an imaginary friend would play. Some kids would run to their mothers. Others would play along, but only for a bit. You were insistent, always demanding for anyone to come forth if they dared to admit their wrongdoing. You were the judge, the hero, and the main obstacle.
It’s a silly game of justice. A pretend concept, to heal you from your own loneliness.
The sun was setting across the playground; the playscape losing the people who were there already heading home. It had been a good day, you would come to an empty house, but regardless of that, you were happy. You let yourself get lost in your own dreams, in your fantasies of being the savior to so many. You get to be the protagonist of someone’s life, even if you felt like your own did not account for anything much yet. The sound of your feet crunching against dull rocks comforted you. You bent down, crouching in on yourself and setting aside your stick, your sword and shield. You push your hands into the pebbles, letting them relax against the coolness of them.
The sensation of it calmed you, you dug further in, dirtying your hands. You had to discover gold, a treasure. The surrounding pirates gave you a job, so you must now go on an adventure. Your childlike mind envisioning your crew around you and you the captain.
It had been a warm day. You had been out here for who knows how long. You feel the beginnings of a slight reddening on your cheeks. Out of the corner of your eye, you see a figure running to the tree away from you.
You heard the gentle cries. Someone needed your help. So you go, picking up your stick beside you and shouting to your crew to get the ship. That someone needs help.
You go around the tree and see someone, a young boy about your age. He covers his face in his arms, his shoulders are trembling from his weeping. You approach then, your wooden stick stomping on the ground to make your presence known. “I hear your cries!”
The boy looks up then, his bright eyes watering. He looks in shock, sniffling, trying to wipe his snot on his sleeves. “Who’re you?”
You smile at him. A wide grin, showing off your missing two front teeth, you exclaim your name proudly. “I am here to help!” You declare. He looks at you, blinking curiously.
You get near him, face too close for comfort, that he jolts away. “Why’re you crying?”
He sniffles, wiping at his eyes. “Just sad,” he says. He doesn’t tell you much else. So you go along with it, anyway.
You stick your hand out. It’s filthy, covered in the dirt and white dusting from the pebbles. He eyes it warily. “Don’t worry, if you come with me! I’ll protect you!” You guaranteed. You made that kid, your new friend, Hanemiya Kazutora, a promise.
He grabbed your hands with his, the two of you going together to play.
The next couple of weeks passed on with time. You would meet him at the playground, marching around telling him of stories. The different ones your teacher would read to you and others you heard from the tv programs you loved watching.
You would hum the akatombo¹ under your breath, all the while Kazutora would walk alongside you, listening.
You had decreed him your personal right-hand man. “You will bear this sword and shield,” you declared.
He looks at you, tilting his head. “How can this be a sword and shield?”
It was a simple question, but one where to you, it should’ve made sense. Even to him.
You scoff, placing your tiny hand against his. “This is to fight and protect. It’s ours.”
“Ours?” He parrots, curiously. You nod in an affirming manner, rubbing the top of your nose. You run then, telling him that the sharks will get him if he doesn’t follow.
The time the two of you shared had been a long one. You would depart your ways but always come back the next day underneath that tree. Kazutora grew comfortable over his new secret friend. Even if things happened at home or the voices got louder through his walls, he’d hum to himself the song you would sing. It brought him comfort, something to ground him.
He’d get lost in his own imaginations that you have gifted him. So when the next day came, he arrived at the spot and waited for you. What he didn’t expect was not to see you already there. Usually, you’d be by the tree, stick in hand, commanding a fleet of imaginary teams. The emptiness that presided over him as he waited for you and waited, not knowing where you were, sunk into him like daggers. Kazutora tucked himself close, hiding himself away until he could hear your song and the march of your feet.
None of those things came. Only the sounds of children’s laughter and the birds overhead. He stayed there for who knows how long, waiting. He left when it became night time, coming home to his mother with a bruise across her cheek. She was frantic, worried, his father’s presence a shadow in the corner. There was a horrid sinking feeling in Kazutora, a fading emotion. It dwindled, a piece of himself chipped away at the loss.
Where have you gone? What happened?
He would come each day to that spot, over and over. He’d hope you were sick and would bounce back in no time. Kazutora hid himself in the divet of the tree, staying there. The song you would sing. He’d try to mimic it as best he could, hoping it’d call you over. That you’d be waiting there on a bamboo pole like the red dragonfly.
You never showed up.
FEBRUARY 2017
It had been years. Kazutora does not remember much of his childhood. After being released two years ago from the detention center, he figured he could go back to therapy again, hoping to remember.
During sessions in counseling, he found that sometimes, the mind to protect itself from an increasing amount of stress or trauma will block it out. It’d tape over memories; his memories would come to him like the reel of an old film camera. Sometimes it’s white noise, all black and white, and there would always be a high pitch noise that would cut in.
Kazutora learned to live with it. It could be tinnitus, as said by one of his doctors, but he’s not sure if that’s really what it is.
He’s slept a little better these days. He exists. That’s enough. Chifuyu had welcomed him, invited him to honor their old friend in their own way. He assists him in the pet shop as much as he can. The animals are a distraction, a joy to be around. They lift his heart and the ache in his chest goes away for a moment.
There’s a specific routine for him, a set of times he wakes, goes, and rests. Routine is good. It keeps him stable. Being on a schedule, reminding himself to take his medicines, and then working out. He goes for a light jog or to a nearby gym with Chifuyu. On weekends, he visits with Pah.
The first year of being released, he would stop by the Sano family grave and Baji’s. That first year had been hard. He had wept, horrible sobs wracking his body. It had felt like his ribcage collapsed in on his lungs.
The next year, it had been easier to face the headstones. In those, he talks to them as if he’s reuniting with old friends. He had written Shinichiro and Baji letters, one for each day while incarcerated. He left it there with them. His apologies, his guilt. All too painful and raw. He still feels that frightening pressure in his chest that would tighten up. Kazutora would leave, come back, and the tightness wouldn’t stop growing; but he’s managed. Now he feels better as much as anyone trying to re-patch broken seams. It’s enough.
It gets easier. He exists. He repeats it to himself. A chant that has comforted him despite all that he’s done. Existing is terrifying, but he’s here. He’s real, and he’s here. Kazutora counts his breaths, focusing on a rhythm. The red dragonfly would come to mind for him. He’d hum the tune; only remembering missing teeth, a crooked smile, and a dirty hand reaching for him.
NOVEMBER 2017
The shop had opened on a crispy afternoon. Kazutora bustles in, the door ringing ahead of him. He taps his feet against the carpeted entry. Some cats make noise, gentle meows and other animals rustle themselves awake.
He smiles. He goes over to them. Kazutora had taken a day off the other day to see Meguro City₂ for a bit. Taking trains and traveling for even a fifteen minute adventure is enough.
Chifuyu pokes his head above the counter. “Hey, how was the trip?”
Kazutora sighs, going to pluck out the cat to hold. “It was fine. I visited the museum for a bit. It’s nice to get out.”
Chifuyu hums approvingly. “Always good to get reacquainted with places. How was the Sato Sakura Museum₂?”
The cat snuggles into his neck, the weight in his chest relieving itself a little. “It was great. I sat there for a bit, just staring at a piece. Chinami Nakajima₂ is one of my favorites.”
“Yeah? Maybe I should head out there.”
Kazutora shares a glance with him, moving side to side. “You should. It’s refreshing.”
“Definitely considering. Hey, here, I need you to come to work the register while I get the restock.”
He places the cat back carefully in its enclosure, latching the door. Chifuyu heads into the back part of the shop, while Kazutora does his count for the register. He makes sure they have enough of each bill and amount of change. There’s usually a list of things for the front he has to note, usually entering in updated adoptions. He looks through the computer.
There had been one adoption from when he was out. “Moka’s gone?” Kazutora calls out.
A scuffling noise comes around and Chifuyu pops his head behind an aisle. “Yeah, someone came by and picked her up. The application is already in digitally, so you don’t have to do all that.”
Kazutora curiously clicks through Moka’s profile. She was a two-year-old stray they had found nearby the tea shops dumpsters. A beautiful white cat, with a tabby marking on her forehead and bits of it on her paws.
He looked through to see who got her. He read the name, one he didn’t recognize as being a regular to the store.
Whoever it was, he hopes they take good care of her.
Kazutora sighs, a little sad that Moka wouldn’t be here. Sometimes Chifuyu would let her wander the shop, and she’d capture a lot of their customers’ attention.
While he continues doing his menial tasks, checking on the cats, scooping out their litter, refilling water bowls. He goes around to the aquarium area where Chifuyu is already cleaning out the fishes' tanks.
“It’s a slow day, thankfully, but you know how I hate this?” He wipes his hands on his apron, shaking his head.
Kazutora laughs. “Here, let me get in there.”
The two of them switch places, while Kazutora cleans around the tank, getting the horrible smudges off.
“I don’t know about you, but it’s putting in a little elbow grease.”
Chifuyu grimaces. “Don’t be a smart ass. It’s the feeling of the gunk, it’s slippery.”
The door shop chimes then. Kazutora and Chifuyu look at one another.
“You gotta go. Let me finish this.” Chifuyu kicks him out of the aisle while Kazutora frantically washes his hands at the nearby sink.
“Welcome in!” He says, sneaking by to the front of the shop.
Whoever just came in doesn’t seem to say anything, so he shrugs it off. Chifuyu’s figure is already floating to the back of the store for the supplies restock.
Usually, Kazutora does the opposite. Chifuyu would be at the front and he’d be in the back attending to other duties. Maybe Chifuyu was trying to rattle his usual routine. That’s fine.
He awaits for the customer to finish browsing. When they come around the corner, they begin to talk. “I just got a cat from here, and it’s been the best decision. I actually have never gotten a cat before, and I didn’t know they would just dump their litter everywhere. A small act of rebellion, right?” He listens, although the chatter didn’t stop you. You kept telling him an entire paragraph of your thoughts on your new pet.
The customer laughs at their own chatter. When you look up, you stare at him for a long duration of time. It could’ve been a passing minute, but it felt like a lifetime. One because Kazutora doesn’t know what to say and second, because it looks like you know him. The recognition on your face, your eyebrows wrinkled together as if parsing a puzzle.
“I recognize you,” you whisper. Kazutora gulps, the image of a dragonfly taking shape in front of him. Does he know you? He has seen no one like you before here. The recognition comes then, a slow smile appearing across your face.
Red dragonfly. The song comes to mind. Kazutora, in awe, says your name wistfully, wide eyed.
You still look thoughtful, attempting to remember this young man before you. “Kazutora?” He nods, still looking at you as if he forgot how to speak. You remember the little boy from childhood, the one you met so long ago under that tree.
You blink rapidly a few times and grin, wide and bright. “I haven’t seen you since we were seven. Oh my gosh, how are you?” You reach your hand over to shake his. He looks at it for a long moment. It seems he’s still in a frozen state of disbelief. You retract your hand slowly giving him an odd look.
Kazutora coughs then. He must be weirdly nervous. A little out of place in all of this. “I apologize, it’s just I didn’t think you’d remember my name.”
You laugh. “You remembered mine first. You beat me to it!” You wink at him, playfully. Kazutora the warmth creeping up on his neck. “You were one of my first friends, so of course!”
He nods at that, realizing he needs to check out the items you have sitting on the counter. Kazutora begins to do so. You decide to talk, hoping to break a bit of the uneasy silence. “So how is Chifuyu? He’s the one who helped pick out my new pet. My cat, Moka.”
Kazutora looks up then, a small smile playing on his lips. “Moka was one of my favorites. How’s she doing?”
You grin wide, happy he’s finally talking. Kazutora looks away from you then, not seeming to want to make eye contact. “Oh, she’s great. She’s such a sweetie, although she knocked over one of my planters. Don’t worry though, I bought house plants specifically cat friendly.” You tell him. He listens carefully, bagging everything for you. Chifuyu comes around the counter then. He says your name excitedly, setting down the box of supplies he’s bringing for one of the shelf restocks. “How’s Moka doing?” Chifuyu begins conversationally.
“We were just talking about her! She’s great. Here I have photos if you want to see!” You pull out your phone, already unlocking it to pull up the wallpaper you have of her on your phone home screen. Moka rolled on her back, staring up at the camera. “Isn’t she cute!”
Chifuyu’s smile is so infectious that Kazutora can’t help but feel his lips pull up at the sides. He had to say something. Anything. “She looks happy and healthy. I’m glad she found you,” Kazutora tells you. It’s a sincere comment. One that makes you feel yourself grow warm at the honesty of his tone. To think you would see an old face here. Chifuyu gives him a long look off to the side.
You’re entirely too excited that you don’t even notice. “I’m happy I found her when I did. And now I found you.”
It was Kazutora’s turn to feel himself grow red. He looks down again, trying to not let himself away. He hasn’t seen you, but he hates to admit that you grew into yourself. You weren’t an ugly kid by any means, but you had the horrible haircut all elementary schoolers donned. The crooked bangs you gave yourself and two missing front teeth. Now, you look nothing like that. You grew to be a knockout, a stunning person.
He’s having a hard time connecting you with the kid he knew who stuck out a dirty hand versus the person in front of him. How can they be the same?
Although your amicable personality and spunky attitude come to him immediately while you're talking to Chifuyu. It seems after all those years you didn’t change. You had been one of his first solid friends before everything had gotten worse. Before–
He swallows, realizing Chifuyu and you were looking at him, expectantly waiting.
“Right?” Chifuyu says again.
Kazutora glances between you two. “I’m sorry, I, uh, zoned out.”
You wave his confusion away. “It’s fine! We were just talking about going out for tea later? When you two are on a lunch break?”
He gulps, glancing up at the clock of the store. That would be soon. A little too soon for him to be around people. “Could we do it here, maybe?”
Chifuyu nods, agreeing. “That’s fine, but are you fine with that?” He directs the attention back to you.
“Absolutely! I don’t like crowded spaces either, but the tea shop next door would be easier to gather from, yes?”
“Read our mind,” Chifuyu says. He nudges Kazutora to say anything. He just doesn’t know how.
You look between them, telling them you’ll see them later. You haul up the large box of supplies you had bought. Kazutora moves around the counter to help you. “Sorry, here. Let me take this out with you. Did you drive?”
“No worries, I can get it.”
The bell rings, alerting the entry to another. An unfamiliar person steps his way in. Chifuyu tenses at the back and Kazutora looks between you.
“Hey, come on, we’re wasting gas,” he calls out, having the audacity to look annoyed. He waves to Chifuyu who gives him a reluctant wave back.
“I’m sorry. Can you take this out to the car? I just wanted to talk to them a little more.” You ask politely. The man rolls his eyes, grumbling something under his breath. “Yeah, whatever.” He leaves then with a final kick open of the door. Chifuyu grimaces. Kazutora’s never met someone that foul before. Not since his youth. He forgets people can sometimes be that detestable.
“My apologies. That’s my boyfriend, Kenji.”
Chifuyu waves his hand. “Nah, don’t worry about it. He came in the other day to pick up some litter.”
Kazutora can feel the twist in his stomach, a dreadful churn. You already have a boyfriend. You already have a partner . He pushes the thoughts away when you turn to him. “I hope we can still catch up,” you ask him. Your brows furrowed together and the way you regard him makes Kazutora feel regrettable. He’s doing this all wrong.
“We can. I mean, do you think I would say no?”
You soften at that. “No, but you look a bit stressed. I know, I come on really strong. I hope that’s a good nostalgia trip for you.” You joke gently.
Kazutora snorts. “Yeah, it was. Thanks.”
You take a moment to look at him. Kazutora looks like he wants to say more. The whole conversation felt one-sided, but you let it go. You didn’t want to overwhelm him anymore. You let out a breath, and you wave them off. “Well, we can try doing that tea thing sometime. Chifuyu has my number, so you can definitely get it from him! Bye!”
Kazutora watches you leave, meeting up with your boyfriend from across the street. The fool looks irritated at you, and he cannot fathom how in the world he got someone like you.
Chifuyu leans against the counter, watching Kazutora. “Their boyfriend is a dick. You know, he came in here chastising me about litter.”
Kazutora stands there for a long time. Not sure what to say. It happened all too fast. He saw you; he remembered your name, but not any bit of him reacted in the way he should have. There’s been years between the two of you. How could you still remember him? There was no way. His memories from those days feel washed out. Just a huge blur for him. The song always stuck with him, though.
He knows he’s blacked out some of it. He remembered you, though. The messy, crooked bangs, the lopsided smile and no front teeth grin you always had. Your grand gesture of you will always protect him. You had been playing buddies for not long until you had left suddenly. He never knew where you went. It was during the height of it all. Kazutora shakes away those thoughts.
Not realizing Chifuyu is still venting about your awful boyfriend. “It’s like, listen dude, it’s not my fault you don’t know how to clean up after a cat. You gotta sweep every day, dumbass. I didn’t say that, though. I wanted to.”
Kazutora asks him one simple question, but it’s enough to earn him that mischievous gleam in Chifuyu’s eyes. “Are they living together?”
His friend smirks. “Why? Are you interested?” He leers, getting a sudden rise out of Kazutora.
“No! I mean, just curious,” he mumbles. He bites his lip. How could he be interested? He hasn’t talked to you in ages. You’re completely different now, but you approached him like you’ve known him forever. Of course, that’d make anyone feel a certain way. Especially someone as energetic as you. The faint image of holding your hand comes to his mind. He also shoos it away. “We got to feed the cats soon,” he keeps himself busy, moving over to the windows of the kittens already mewling excitedly.
Chifuyu hums, still studying Kazutora. “You’re such a squirmer, you know? Whenever they looked at you, you couldn’t even keep eye contact.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t need this from you. Don’t you have a shoujo to read?”
“You should probably read more. It’d help you with your love life,” Chifuyu sniffs, his response a jab.
Kazutora clenches his teeth together, his hand hovering over the latch to the cat’s den. “I don’t need to hear that from someone who can’t get a date.”
The sound of a box dropping onto the floor can be heard from nearby. “Shut up!”
Kazutora heads out after his shift, going to his tiny apartment. Chifuyu usually stops by with him, but today it was more for himself to be alone.
A sudden ding of his phone alerts him when he passes through the threshold.
He flicks on the lights, reaching in the back of his pocket.
It’s an unknown number, one he didn’t recognize. There was also another message from Chifuyu.
He opens his first.
Chifuyu (6:15pm)
I gave them your number. Have fun! 😊
Kazutora scoffs, going back to his messages. A photo image is present there. Could this be? He clicks on it then and there is Moka, in the shape of a loaf by a door.
The message read: “She misses you!”
He cannot fight the smile coming onto his face. Kazutora saves your number then. He texts you a response back, telling you thank you. He has to hide his phone or else he’s bound to say something he can’t take back. Sometimes, through text, one can become too bold.
His phone buzzes again.
You (6:25pm)
I hope it’s okay I text you. We can plan it better this way. Maybe we can meet at Streamer or The Roaster?
Kazutora thinks it’s more than okay for you to text him. His heart flutters despite himself. His interest in you cannot tread past more than just a friendly association. You were already in a relationship. There’s no way for him to let this flourish. He needed to get a grip on himself.
Kazutora (6:28pm)
That’s fine, did you invite Chifuyu too?
The response comes all too fast.
You (6:29pm)
I was hoping it could be the two of us? I still told Chifuyu he could come too.
Kazutora sighs, plopping onto his recliner. He knew the scheming idiot will more than likely not take up the offer. He’d let himself make an excuse. Chifuyu is already arranging the alone time between the two of you. Kazutora feels it in his bones.
His phone buzzes again.
You (6:32 pm)
I hope that’s not too weird. I’m so sorry.
Kazutora (6:33pm)
It’s not. I’m fine with it. Thanks for reaching out.
God, what is this? A business transaction. He regrets texting that. He flops onto his couch, head into his hands. You’re definitely going to think something’s wrong with him. In so many ways. He’s already trying to work out what he’s going to do when this get together happens.
How is it that you can talk to him easily after just today? What if you ask him how life’s been? He can’t tell you where he’s been. What he’s been doing. He feels the insurmountable dread coiling inside of him. What is he doing? Talking to someone he’s known for only a small amount of time, and yet.
You (6:35pm)
Do you want to try for Wednesday at noon? I can bring drinks for everyone?
Kazutora (6:36pm)
Perfect. Thanks. I’ll relay the information. Have a good evening. Best regards.
He sets his phone down in frustration on the table; he folds into himself. What the hell. He groans to himself, agonizing over his display of formality. Did it have to be in that way? Is he an idiot? He feels like one. It’s insane how quickly he’s receded into himself. Is this all he’s good for? To be tense in person and then formal through message. So not cool.
Kazutora screenshots the conversation, sending it to Chifuyu. His friend responds with a line sticker of a gasping cat.
Chifuyu (6:40pm)
Seriously?! Are you answering emails to a business?
Chifuyu (6:41pm)
Did you want to talk about it?
Kazutora (6:42pm)
Please. I feel like a dweeb.
Chifuyu (6:43pm)
You definitely are now, stupid.
The ringtone of a cat's meowing blares near him. Chifuyu is calling. He answers it begrudgingly, already knowing what he's going to say.
“Are you an idiot?” Chifuyu asks, annoyed. No greeting. Always a warranted insult, just right out the door with it. He expected it, really. It still catches him off guard every time, though.
Kazutora releases a breath. “I feel like the biggest idiot in the world. They have a boyfriend.”
He can overhear Chifuyu rustling around, calling over Peke J, and the gentle purrs over the receiver come through. “Here, you need some comfort, apparently. Did you want my help?”
Kazutora cringes. Chifuyu’s idea of helping is the worst kind. The most meddling and idealistic method. This isn’t a work of fiction, it was devastatingly enough real life. The reality of it being already too much for him to think about. There’s no way feelings could come this fast. It’s probably just because he thinks you’re attractive. That’s all. He’ll really need to not let his emotions run its course. If he lets it go too far, it’d become a mess.
Kazutora comes to when he realizes Chifuyu already has been going on a tirade planning a ploy. “So what we can do is get them to be isolated from their boyfriend. Listen, that guy is bad news. I feel it. My hunches have been right. He sucks. They’ll realize that, and when they realize how much better you are, it’s in the bag–”
He cuts him off. “Chifuyu. That won’t happen.”
Chifuyu makes a guttural noise of protest. “It could happen, okay? There’s hope.”
Kazutora bites his tongue. If he says what he really wants to say, Chifuyu would go dead silent. There’s no hope for someone like me. He closes his eyes tightly. “It’s just not practical. The best I can hope for is just us being friends.”
The other line sounds scratchy, a shuffling noise following Chifuyu. “Yeah, yeah. I guess that’s fine. They’re really cool. I like them. You will too.”
Kazutora smiles softly. “Yeah, they are.”
Chifuyu sniffs, his tone shifting. “But not as cool as me, right? I’m the best.”
He laughs on the other side. “Seriously? Don’t start getting jealous.”
Chifuyu huffs loudly. “I’m just saying.”
There’s another noise and a meow from the other side of the line. “Peke J says he supports you.”
“Thanks. I just think what I need is not a romantic relationship. I wouldn’t mind more friends, though.”
Chifuyu hums, considering his words. “Do you feel like it makes you undeserving? Or is it also fear involved with it? You know I read a lot of self-help books. I could let you borrow some.”
Kazutora glances at the stack of books in the corner of his living room. Chifuyu had already given him some the other month. “I think I’m good.”
“Well, whatever. Just a suggestion and just a thought. You know and I know, but they don’t know.”
Kazutora grows serious, jaw tightening. “And they won’t. I don’t know how I can tell someone else about all the stuff I did.”
There’s a beat of silence. A ragged breath coming from Chifuyu. “Man, just. I don’t know. Just do what you have to do. I think it’s fine though. You need new friends.” He changes the subject to Peke J then. Kazutora listens kindly, letting himself un-tense. He didn’t mean to bring it up. They’ve talked about it before. When he had gotten out, he and Chifuyu had written letters to one another. They had kept in touch with that way to work through their grief and also because of their attachment to Baji. It had helped a bit to reminisce, instead of letting it fester.
Whatever happens between you and Kazutora would be new. A fresh start for him.
He likes to think of it as one. Maybe this will give him a new beginning in several ways.
Once Chifuyu hangs up, Kazutora gets ready for his usual routine. He gets out of the shower, shuffling to turn off the lights and to lie in bed.
He picks up his phone from the nightstand seeing the text message notification.
You (9:30 pm)
Sorry for my late response! I had to cook for a bit. I made some curry. I could treat you to some, sometime. I hope you have a goodnight. Ttyl‼️ 💞
Kazutora’s lips pull up at the sides, putting his phone close to his chest. He lets the sleep overtake him. He can hear the song again, the light hum and the words of another time.
